Clientes Jokes
131 clientes jokes and hilarious clientes puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about clientes that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Clientes Short Jokes
Short clientes jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The clientes humour may include short jokes also.
- "Your honor, it is said that people are what they eat... And therefore my client is an innocent man!"
- When I become a lawyer I want to defend a penguin. Just so I can say the words Your Honor, clearly my client is not a flight risk.
- Wanted: Personal psychic for wealthy client. Salary: $10,000 per week plus bonuses.
Free accommodation.
10 weeks paid leave per year.
Company car.
Generous pension scheme.
You know where to apply. - I've started a waxing/hair removal business, and I have decided to only take female clients for the time being. I don't want to go nuts right away.
- A psychologist asked his client what was troubling him. "Well, doc, I think I can see into the future."
"Into the future?" the doctor said, intrigued. "When did this start?"
"Next Monday." - The attorney filed a motion for a new trial. The judge barked angrily "On what grounds!?" "Your honor," the lawyer explained, "my client has discovered some money that I didn't know he had."
- None of my clients liked me when I was a plumber... But since becoming a coffin maker, they've been dying to see me
- Client: I want a cup of tea, please. Waiter: 2 teaspoons of sugar ?
Client: No, I want 5. Is it the same price ?
Waiter: Yes, sugar is free.
Client: OK, don't bring the tea, I want 2 lbs sugar. - I got fired from my job for assuring my clients that I will never let them down I guess being an elevator operator isn't my forte
- My client is very particular about which classical albums she wants me to restore... If it ain't Baroque, don't fix it.
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Clientes One Liners
Which clientes one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with clientes? I can suggest the ones about and .
- I asked my magic 8-ball which email client to use. It told me... Outlook not so good.
- Attorney: My client is trapped in a penny Judge: What?
Attorney: He's in a cent. - Ever wonder why African dating agencies are so successful? The clients always click
- What did the Australian optometrist say to the client with 20/20 vision? Good eye, mate.
- What does a cannibal life coach value in their clients? *Consistency.*
- How does a pornstar say good bye to a client? Nice business doing pleasure with you.
- Why did the lawyer lose his case? His client was a thief.
- Having U2 as a client would be the worst All the work is pro bono.
- Which fruit defends their clients in the juridical system? The advocato
- An Auditor was found sleeping with his client He was guilty of inside her trading
- What was the deal the coffee-addict lawyer offered potential clients? Grounds for divorce
- What does the IT sheep tell its clients? Ewe need more Ram!
- What does an amateur Mexican real estate agent say to his clients.? Hey look, homes
- What did the dyslexic booking agent tell his client? Your flight is reversed
- Q: Why did the cannibal tax auditor get disciplined?
A: For buttering up her clients.
Clientes Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about clientes you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make clientes pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy gets framed for m**...
Lawyer : my client is trapped inside a coin
Judge : what?
Lawyer : he's in a cent
Judge : your going to jail with him
OCD
A Stanford Medical research group advertised for participants
in a study of obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were
looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this
disorder. The response was gratifying; they got 300 responses
the day after the ad came out.
All from the same person.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An American businessman was in Japan...
He hired a local h**... and was going at it all night with her. She kept screaming "Fujifoo, Fugifoo!!!", which the guy took to be pleasurable.. The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one. Wanting to impress the clients, he said "Fujifoo". The Japanese clients looked confused and said "No, you got the right hole."
Two prostitutes were talking about clients...
When one of them points to the Mercedes across the street.
"You see that car, the owner afforded it because of me" she said with a smile on her face
"You know, that's not how it works, we don't give them money, they give it to us" the second said confused.
"Yeah, I know, before he met me, he had the money to buy a Ferrari"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy goes to his psychiatrist complaining about his s**... life...
Upon further discussion the psychiatrist suggests that the spark of excitement has gone out of his client's marriage.
"Perhaps," he suggests, "the next time you are feeling amorous, you should just take your wife, s**... and with abandon, right there and then, no matter the circumstance."
The man agrees that it seems a good idea. Two weeks later, he returns for his normal session with the psychiatrist.
"How did things go?" asks the psychiatrist.
"Absolutely amazing," says the man. "One night, as we sat down to dinner, I looked at my wife. She looked at me and we immediately made mad, passionate love right there on the table."
"So, things are good?" asks the psychiatrist.
"Couldn't be better," says the guy, "except we're can't eat at the Denny's next to our house anymore."
Need some help from you guys!
I'm writing a script for a commercial for a small denture business, and the client wants me to open with a pun and so far anything I've come up with is pretty bleak.. So hit me with your best mouth/dentist/smile (etc.) puns! Thanks in advance.
Upvotes for all answers!
Why don't abortion clinics have back doors?
If only their clients knew what the back door was for...
I work with mentally disabled people. Today I tried to tell a client the nacho cheese joke.
"Hey, you have nachos! What do you call cheese that isn't yours?"
"Tasty!" -Holds up a-okay sign-
"...Well...you aren't wrong!"
Happy Valentine's Day everybody!
Mr. Smith is Dead
A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's senior partner had passed away unexpectedly.
"Is Mr. Smith there?", asked the client on the phone.
"I'm very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last night," the receptionist answered.
"Is Mr. Smith there?", repeated the client.
The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you didn't understand me I'm afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night."
"Is Mr. Smith there?", asked the client again.
"Ma'am, do you understand what I'm saying?", said the exasperated receptionist. "Mr. Smith is DEAD!"
"I understand you perfectly," the client sighed. "I just can't hear it often enough."
The lawyer called his client overseas...
..."Your mother-in-law passed away in her sleep and I can't reach any other relatives. Shall we order burial or cremation?"
Back came the reply, "Take no chances - order both."
A graphic designer is working on a website...
...and his client says, "Could you make this banner a little more green?"
So he makes the color a little bit more green.
But his client says, "No, that's too green. Make it a little less so."
So he makes it a little less green.
The client says, "No, it's still a bit off."
So the artist, losing his patience, shouts, "On a scale of 0 to 255, how green do you want it!?"
Lawyer Joke
* A lawyer is meeting with his client after a negotiation fell through. The lawyer says "so I've got some good news and some bad news. Which do you want to hear first?
*The client says "I guess good news first."
*The lawyer responded "the negotiations fell through and we need to go to trial. This'll probably take years and cost you thousands in attorney's fees."
*"So wait, what's the good news."
*"Wait, did I say there was bad news?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I opened a s**... bank in London recently...
We had a disastrous first day. Only two clients. One came on the bus; the other one missed the tube.
An insurance agent was talking to a prospective client at her home.
When she noticed a beautiful vase. She asked her client, "do you keep anything in it?"
"My husband's ashes", the client replied.
"I am so sorry", apologized the agent, "I did not know he was deceased."
"He isn't - he's just too lazy to hunt for an ashtray."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Continuing Adventures of Lawyer Mom, Episode 1
Lawyer Mom: Your Honor, my client is accused of m**... in the first degree. But let me ask you, and everyone else in this court room, this: (Mom voice) Have any of YOU ever murdered someone?
Everyone looks around at each other, confused.
Judge: Um, no?
Lawyer Mom: (Puts hands on hips, closes her eyes, and continues in Mom voice) Well then how can any of you tell my client that m**... is bad if you have never even tried it? Hmmm?
An American and an Australian are chatting in a bar.
An American and an Australian are chatting in a bar.
After both ordering their drinks, the Australian asks the American "So what is it that you do for a living?"
"Oh" the American responds. "I help my clients by representing them in court, and also advise them in other legal matters."
In a thick Australian accent, the other man replies "You're a lawyer."
And the American says "No really, it's the truth."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a fortune teller that always predicts happiness for her clients?
A h**... with a gimmick
A man and his lawyer walk into the courtroom and stand before the judge.
The judge asks "What does the defendant plea?"
The lawyer replies "Your honor, my client pleads trans-guilty."
The judge has a puzzled look on his face.
Lawyer: "He identifies himself as an innocent man."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a chauffeur who has s**... with his clients?
A screwdriver.
A guy I know recently got fired for sleeping with one of his clients.
It's too bad because he was such a great vet.
(veterinarian)
A client just thanked me profusely for curing his erectile dysfunction.
-shrugs- It wasn't hard.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I accidentally flogged another d**...'s client.
Oops, wrong sub.
A man orders a coffee
A man enters a bar and the bartender comes over and asks "Can I help you sir?".
The man answers "What does a cup of coffee cost in this place?".
The bartender says "That would be $2.60".
"Alright, I'll have one." says the client and he takes 26 dimes out of his wallet and he throws them on the ground.
The bartender doesn't want to get involved in a fight so he just picks up the money and he brings the man his coffee.
A week later, the same man enters the bar. He orders a coffee again but this time he pays with a five dollar bill.
The bartender smelled an opportunity for revenge and when he brings the coffee, he throws 48 nickels on the ground as change. The client throws 2 extra dimes on the floor and orders a second coffee.
A banker tells his client that a £1,000,000 investment will turn into a ton of money!
So the the client asks "How much is a ton of money"
The banker responds "Two Thousand Pounds"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you get when two lawyers have s**... ?
A Binding contract that you can't pull out of ... Edit And their are no loop holes other than your client having piercings.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An American man hooks up with a Japanese woman... [n**...]
An American man hooks up with a Japanese woman the night before a game of golf with a big Japanese client.
The woman is screaming with passion a specific word in Japanese that the man could tell was a great thing. He decides to try it out at golf.
Each time the big client sinks the ball, the man shouts his newly learned Japanese word. Finally, after the 9th hole, the big client asks the man:
"Why do you keep shouting wrong hole?'"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walks into a barber shop for a shave.
While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.
"And what if I s**... it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
Unintelligent Design
Client to designer: It doesn't really look purple. It looks more like a mixture of red and blue.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was fired from my job for having s**... with one of our clients.
At least I won't have to dig graves anymore.
Disappointed that there will be no Call of Cthulhu client for Linux
I wanted to go insane installing *and* playing the game.
What did the company that makes wooden counters say to their client?
"We stand behind our product"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why does the bar association prohibit lawyers and clients from having s**...?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for the same service.
What did the psychologist say to his client after diagnosing him with a phobia on January 1?
Happy new fear.
Mr. Marcus was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defense.
"You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?" The client replied that he did. The lawyer then asked, "Do you know what will happen if you don't tell the truth?" The client looked back and said, "I imagine that our side will win."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A friend of mine was recently accused of having s**... with one of his clients...
As a result, he has been publicly humiliated, and is probably going to be indicted any day. On top of that, a wonderful marriage, not to mention years of schooling and training, wasted for a moment of weakness. It's such a shame, for he was truly a nice guy, and an absolutely gifted mortician.
Lawyer: My client is trapped inside a penny
Judge: What?
Lawyer: He's in a cent
Judge: You're going to jail with him
^^^^Totally ^^^^my ^^^^own ^^^^work ^^^^and ^^^^not ^^^^a ^^^^repost ^^^^by ^^^^any ^^^^mean
I had to specify an IT system for the local anorexia clinic.
I recommended a thin client architecture.
Why didn't the client tip the server?
Because they didn't have enough cache!
(Computer Science nerds unite! This is my original joke, I originally posted it on Imgflip last year with bad pun dog and it got a decent response.)
Midget Fortuneteller
Did you hear about the midget fortuneteller who killed his client.
His a small medium at large.
Mark knopfler's been arrested for stealing animals
His lawyer said it was all just a misunderstanding and his client "thought the monkeys were nothing and the chimps were free"
A lawyer took a client who was charged with aggressively weaving objects to throw at people
He had a real basket case on his hands
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Criss Angel arrested for m**......
His lawyer asks "When and where did the m**... take place?"
Detective "Around midnight at the MGM."
Lawyer "Well my client is definitely innocent then."
Detective "How's that?"
Lawyer "He was at The Bellagio then, he would have to be some kind of magician to be in two places at once."
I'll admit; my business plan of impersonating and running marathons on behalf of fee paying clients who want prestige without effort, is not going well.
But I'd still give you a run for your money.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What is the difference between a p**... and EA?
Both have expensive loot boxes we have to pay for however it's prostitutes who end up with a bad taste in their mouths not their clients.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the p**... get angry after having s**... in an apple orchard?
Because her client came in cider.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I got transferred from work three times this year for letting my clients give me o**... during checkups.
I'm starting to think that maybe a veterinarian career isn't for me.
An artist went to confession...
...where he admitted to cheating his clients on his hues.
The priest told him, "Repaint, repaint, and thin no more."
Why did the diet coach send her . .
Why did the diet coach send her clients to the paint store?
She heard you could get thinner there.
Good news / bad news
The lawyer looked at his client and said, "I've got good news and bad news. Your wife has found a picture worth $1 million."
"Well, that's amazing!" exclaimed the client, "but what's the bad news?"
"It's a picture of you and your secretary."
Why did the Real Estate Agent fail to sell the house next to a horse stable?
Because his clients were worried about the neigh-bors.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What does a m**... shop owner call his clients?
Kushtomers
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do central European s**... traffickers tell their clients?
The Czech's in the mail.
My wife asked me to buy a king sized pillow at Target.
After a fruitless search, I replied, "As a trans madam once said to a prospective client, 'Sorry, they're all standard queens.'"
(true story, bro)
The attorney tells his client the accused, "I have some good news and some bad news."
"What's the bad news?" asks the accused.
"The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it."
"What's the good news?"
"Your cholesterol is 130."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Studies show that prostitutes have higher levels of oxytocin than the average person.
Oxytocin is known to increase e**... vocalizations during s**.... Scientists believe that this may be an adaptation to help with pleasing their clients.
It's a very powerful w**...-moan.
Why did the psychic turn her client down?
Because she was only offered a penny for her thoughts.
A lawyer asks his client if she is guilty because he's in love with her.
"I'm just trying to get you off," he says, hopefully not for the last time.
Show Off - A young businessman has just set up his own company.
A young businessman has just set up his own company. He rents an office downtown and buys some trendy furniture for it. Sitting behind his new desk, he suddenly sees a potential client come into the outer office. Wanting to appear busy, he picks up the phone and pretends that he's calling an important client. Offer them no more than $3 million! he shouts
down the phone. And tell them that if it isn't finished by next week, they won't get a penny! After hanging up , the man says to the visitor, "Hello? Can I help you?" And the visitor replies, Yes, I'm from the phone company. I've come to connect your phone line.
A Therapist is complaining to his friend about not having any clients
His friend replies it may have something to do with putting his profession on the office door in such large font that it had to be broken into two words.
They say a lawyer who represents himself has a fool for a client
Which worked out pretty good because that was going to be my defense.
"The prosecutor says she can produce five witnesses who saw you running from the bank with money bags in your hands"
"The prosecutor says she can produce five witnesses who saw you running from the bank with money bags in your hands" a defense lawyer confided in his client.
"That's nothing," the client replied, ""I can produce five hundred witnesses who didn't see me running from the bank with money bags in my hands"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I had just began to present my client's case in Court the other day when without warning the Judge slammed down his gaval, yelled "Guilty! ", and left the room.
Clearly he struggles with p**... adjudication.
A man gets arrested for selling alcohol without a permit. He gets a lawyer who tells to not to worry, he's got a fool-proof defense. The day of the trial arrives, and the lawyer address the jury. Ladies and gentlemen, take a good long look at my client...
...do you think, if he had even a drop of alcohol in his possession, that he would sell it?