Client Jokes

Following is our collection of transaction puns and user one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Client jokes for adults, dirty plaintiff jokes and clean salespeople dad gags for kids.

The Best Client Puns

When I become a lawyer I want to defend a penguin.

Just so I can say the words Your Honor, clearly my client is not a flight risk.

I asked my magic 8-ball which email client to use. It told me...

Outlook not so good.

An American man meets a woman while on a business trip to Paris. She barely speaks any English, but their date goes well...

During sex, she is moaning and basically screaming C'est le mauvais trou . He is emboldened and confident, seeing how much he's pleasing her. Over and over again, C'est le mauvais trou!

The next day, he's playing golf with a client who hits an amazing hole in one. Eager to use his new compliment, the man says C'est le mauvais trou!

The client replies What the hell do you mean that's the wrong hole?!

Why did the prostitute get angry after having sex in an apple orchard?

Because her client came in cider.

I accidentally flogged another dominatrix's client.

Oops, wrong sub.


Show Off - A young businessman has just set up his own company.

A young businessman has just set up his own company. He rents an office downtown and buys some trendy furniture for it. Sitting behind his new desk, he suddenly sees a potential client come into the outer office. Wanting to appear busy, he picks up the phone and pretends that he's calling an important client. Offer them no more than $3 million! he shouts

down the phone. And tell them that if it isn't finished by next week, they won't get a penny! After hanging up , the man says to the visitor, "Hello? Can I help you?" And the visitor replies, Yes, I'm from the phone company. I've come to connect your phone line.

Attorney: My client is trapped in a penny

Judge: What?

Attorney: He's in a cent.

A man orders a coffee

A man enters a bar and the bartender comes over and asks "Can I help you sir?".

The man answers "What does a cup of coffee cost in this place?".

The bartender says "That would be $2.60".

"Alright, I'll have one." says the client and he takes 26 dimes out of his wallet and he throws them on the ground.
The bartender doesn't want to get involved in a fight so he just picks up the money and he brings the man his coffee.


A week later, the same man enters the bar. He orders a coffee again but this time he pays with a five dollar bill.

The bartender smelled an opportunity for revenge and when he brings the coffee, he throws 48 nickels on the ground as change. The client throws 2 extra dimes on the floor and orders a second coffee.

A man walks into a barber shop for a shave.

While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.

"And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

Mr. Smith is Dead

A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's senior partner had passed away unexpectedly.

"Is Mr. Smith there?", asked the client on the phone.

"I'm very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last night," the receptionist answered.

"Is Mr. Smith there?", repeated the client.

The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you didn't understand me I'm afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night."

"Is Mr. Smith there?", asked the client again.

"Ma'am, do you understand what I'm saying?", said the exasperated receptionist. "Mr. Smith is DEAD!"

"I understand you perfectly," the client sighed. "I just can't hear it often enough."

Did you hear about the limo driver who drove for 20 years but never found a client?

All that time wasted with nothing to chauffeur it.


What did the prostitute say to her client?

"It's a business doing pleasure with you."

Lawyer: My client is trapped inside a penny

Judge: What?

Lawyer: He's in a cent

Judge: You're going to jail with him



^^^^Totally ^^^^my ^^^^own ^^^^work ^^^^and ^^^^not ^^^^a ^^^^repost ^^^^by ^^^^any ^^^^mean

A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer...

A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer. "I would like to ask a few questions", said the client. "Of course", the lawyer replied, "But I have to charge you $200 to answer 2 questions" "Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?" said the suprised client. "Yes it certainly is", said the lawyer, "And what's your second question?"

Wanted: Personal psychic for wealthy client.

Salary: $10,000 per week plus bonuses.
Free accommodation.
10 weeks paid leave per year.
Company car.
Generous pension scheme.

You know where to apply.

A graphic designer is working on a website...

...and his client says, "Could you make this banner a little more green?"

So he makes the color a little bit more green.

But his client says, "No, that's too green. Make it a little less so."

So he makes it a little less green.

The client says, "No, it's still a bit off."

So the artist, losing his patience, shouts, "On a scale of 0 to 255, how green do you want it!?"

A lawyer is about to go home for the night...

...when a client shows up, asking for his council. The lawyer decides to stay late and work with the client. Afterwards, the client asks how much he owes for the lawyer's time.
"One hundred dollars," the lawyer responds.

The client pays him and walks out, at which point the lawyer realizes it's two hundred dollar bills stuck together. This leaves the lawyer with a moral dilemma...

Does he tell his partner?

An American businessman goes to Japan (NSFW)

An American businessman goes to Japan to meet with a client so the night before, he hires a prostitute. While they're having sex, she keeps moaning "machigatta ana." The man is confident about himself and goes to meet with his client the next day at a golf course. While there, the client makes a hole-in-one and the businessman congratulates the client by saying "machigatta ana" to which the Japanese client says "what do you mean 'wrong hole?'"

"The prosecutor says she can produce five witnesses who saw you running from the bank with money bags in your hands"

"The prosecutor says she can produce five witnesses who saw you running from the bank with money bags in your hands" a defense lawyer confided in his client.

"That's nothing," the client replied, ""I can produce five hundred witnesses who didn't see me running from the bank with money bags in my hands"


What did the Australian optometrist say to the client with 20/20 vision?

Good eye, mate.

How much English can you speak

"Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client toγ€€be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knew hisγ€€way around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English."

The judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English can you speak?"

The defendant looked up and said, "Give me your wallet!"

A psychologist asked his client what was troubling him.

"Well, doc, I think I can see into the future."

"Into the future?" the doctor said, intrigued. "When did this start?"

"Next Monday."

The lawyer called his client overseas...

..."Your mother-in-law passed away in her sleep and I can't reach any other relatives. Shall we order burial or cremation?"

Back came the reply, "Take no chances - order both."

My Client Is Not Guilty.

Lawyer: My Client Is Trapped In A Penny

Judge: What Do You Mean?

Lawyer: He's In A Cent.

An American man hooks up with a Japanese woman... [nsfw]

An American man hooks up with a Japanese woman the night before a game of golf with a big Japanese client.

The woman is screaming with passion a specific word in Japanese that the man could tell was a great thing. He decides to try it out at golf.

Each time the big client sinks the ball, the man shouts his newly learned Japanese word. Finally, after the 9th hole, the big client asks the man:

"Why do you keep shouting wrong hole?'"

Good news / bad news

The lawyer looked at his client and said, "I've got good news and bad news. Your wife has found a picture worth $1 million."

"Well, that's amazing!" exclaimed the client, "but what's the bad news?"

"It's a picture of you and your secretary."

An insurance agent was talking to a prospective client at her home.

When she noticed a beautiful vase. She asked her client, "do you keep anything in it?"

"My husband's ashes", the client replied.

"I am so sorry", apologized the agent, "I did not know he was deceased."

"He isn't - he's just too lazy to hunt for an ashtray."

An American travels on business to Japan for the first time, and decides to pick up a hooker

When he was diddling her, she kept screaming "Fujifoo, Fugifoo!" The guy figured this was a term for something great.

The next day, he went golfing with his Japanese client and colleagues, and he got a hole-in-one. He wanted to impress his Japanese friends, so he yelled out, "Fujifoo!!!"

The Japanese speaking folks looked confused, and one of them finally said, "No, you got the right hole."

A man gets arrested for selling alcohol without a permit. He gets a lawyer who tells to not to worry, he's got a fool-proof defense. The day of the trial arrives, and the lawyer address the jury. Ladies and gentlemen, take a good long look at my client...

...do you think, if he had even a drop of alcohol in his possession, that he would sell it?

The attorney filed a motion for a new trial. The judge barked angrily "On what grounds!?"

"Your honor," the lawyer explained, "my client has discovered some money that I didn't know he had."

None of my clients liked me when I was a plumber...

But since becoming a coffin maker, they've been dying to see me

A cartographer is asked to make a giant topographic map

He is very meticulous, agonizing over every little detail on the map. After months of work, he nervously presents it to his client, who says it's perfect and commissions another big project. As he leaves the meeting, the cartographer takes a deep breath, turns to his assistant, and says, "I was really worried he wouldn't like it, but that was a huge relief."

Lawyers' Ethical Dilemma

When a client gives you two hundred dollar bills stuck together from the bank machine to pay a $100 bill, do you tell your law partner?

The attorney tells his client the accused, "I have some good news and some bad news."

"What's the bad news?" asks the accused.

"The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it."

"What's the good news?"

"Your cholesterol is 130."

Criss Angel arrested for murder...

His lawyer asks "When and where did the murder take place?"

Detective "Around midnight at the MGM."

Lawyer "Well my client is definitely innocent then."

Detective "How's that?"

Lawyer "He was at The Bellagio then, he would have to be some kind of magician to be in two places at once."

My client is very particular about which classical albums she wants me to restore...

If it ain't Baroque, don't fix it.

I had to specify an IT system for the local anorexia clinic.

I recommended a thin client architecture.

Donner Party.

Here's a rare treat....an original joke

At work I was talking with a client who brought up the Donner Party and asked if i knew who the were. I replied that yes, I did. They were the group snowbound in the mountains in the 1800s and turned to cannabalism.
I added that they were supposedly humbled by their experience but I always thought they were full of themselves.
Client laughed.

My first day as a drug dealer

Me: Sorry we've run out of coke, is Pepsi ok?

Client: *stab

Me: Ok, have a nice day

The lawyer looked at his rich client and said, "I've got some good news and some bad news,"

The client said, "well gee, I guess lets here the good news first."

So the lawyer said "You're wife has found a picture worth $10 million."

The client replied, "Oh that's fantastic! But whats the bad news?"

"It's a picture of you and your secretary."

A banker tells his client that a Β£1,000,000 investment will turn into a ton of money!

So the the client asks "How much is a ton of money"

The banker responds "Two Thousand Pounds"

How does a pornstar say good bye to a client?

Nice business doing pleasure with you.

A lawyer took a client who was charged with aggressively weaving objects to throw at people

He had a real basket case on his hands

Why did the lawyer lose his case?

His client was a thief.

Mr. Marcus was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defense.

"You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?" The client replied that he did. The lawyer then asked, "Do you know what will happen if you don't tell the truth?" The client looked back and said, "I imagine that our side will win."

What do you get when two lawyers have sex ?

A Binding contract that you can't pull out of ... Edit And their are no loop holes other than your client having piercings.

Need some help from you guys!

I'm writing a script for a commercial for a small denture business, and the client wants me to open with a pun and so far anything I've come up with is pretty bleak.. So hit me with your best mouth/dentist/smile (etc.) puns! Thanks in advance.

Upvotes for all answers!

Why did the psychic turn her client down?

Because she was only offered a penny for her thoughts.

Why didn't the client tip the server?

Because they didn't have enough cache!

(Computer Science nerds unite! This is my original joke, I originally posted it on Imgflip last year with bad pun dog and it got a decent response.)

My Client is trapped inside a penny.

Judge says,"What?"

Laywer,"He's in a cent."

A client just thanked me profusely for curing his erectile dysfunction.

-shrugs- It wasn't hard.

An Auditor was found sleeping with his client

He was guilty of inside her trading

Our local barber just got arrested today

Apparently he's a drug dealer, which is really weird because I've been his client for 7 years and never knew he was a barber.

A lawyer claims that his client had been trapped inside a penny...

...and that said client was in a cent.

A man and his lawyer walk into the courtroom and stand before the judge.

The judge asks "What does the defendant plea?"

The lawyer replies "Your honor, my client pleads trans-guilty."

The judge has a puzzled look on his face.

Lawyer: "He identifies himself as an innocent man."

I work with mentally disabled people. Today I tried to tell a client the Nacho Cheese joke.

"Hey, you have nachos! What do you call cheese that isn't yours?"



"Tasty!" -Holds up a-okay sign-



"...Well...you aren't wrong!"



Happy Valentine's Day everybody!

A lawyer asks his client if she is guilty because he's in love with her.

"I'm just trying to get you off," he says, hopefully not for the last time.

My wife asked me to buy a king sized pillow at Target.

After a fruitless search, I replied, "As a trans madam once said to a prospective client, 'Sorry, they're all standard queens.'"


(true story, bro)

What did the company that makes wooden counters say to their client?

"We stand behind our product"

Windows can be fun!

**Client:** How good are you guys at PowerPoint?

**IT Expert:** We Excel at it...

**Client:** Was that a Microsoft Office pun?

**IT Expert:** Word.

Unintelligent Design

Client to designer: It doesn't really look purple. It looks more like a mixture of red and blue.

A guy gets framed for murder

Lawyer : my client is trapped inside a coin

Judge : what?

Lawyer : he's in a cent

Judge : your going to jail with him

Lawyer: my client is trapped in a penny

Judge: what..?

Lawyer: he's in a cent your honor

There is an abundance of verdict jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 63 funniest jokes and client puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any vendor witze you can hear about client.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes