Clever Jokes

Following is our collection of smart puns and trackstar one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Clever jokes for adults, dirty justification jokes and clean cunning dad gags for kids.

The Best Clever Puns

Three men were about to be executed by the firing squad.

The first man was brought forward and before they could shoot him he yelled "avalanche"! The firing squad panicked and in the confusion, the man jumped over the wall and into freedom before the firing squad could regroup.

The second man thought what the first man did was clever and when he was brought forward for his execution, he yelled "earthquake"! Again, the firing squad panicked and the second man took advantage of it to jump over the wall and into freedom.

The third man thought he saw the pattern: yell a disaster and jump over the wall. When he was finally brought forward, with a smirk on his face he yelled "fire"!

Finding a woman sobbing because she had locked her keys in the car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.

She watches amazed as he takes off his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens.

"That's so clever!" the woman exclaims. "How did you do that?"

"Easy," replied the soldier, "These are my khakis."

Burglars are getting very clever these days..

Last night, my wife woke me up..

*Darling! Darling! There's a burglar downstairs!!*

So I go down, check every room and don't find anyone.

Then I realised I don't have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.

A woman was sobbing on the side of the street because she had accidentally locked her keys in her car,

a passing soldier saw this and assured her that he can help.

She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.

Magically it opens....... "That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"

"Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my khakis."

Your mom joke, but clever

Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."
Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ."
Kid 1: "As if."
Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."
Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."
Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."


My 8 year old told me a really clever joke for once.

What do you get when you cross Captain America and the Hulk?

A Star-Spangled Banner.

My manly password

My wife and I were trying to set up a new password for our computer.

Trying to be clever, I put "Mypenis" and my wife fell to the ground laughing hysterically because on the screen it said:

**"Error. Not long enough."**

Clever Insult joke

If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb up to your ego and jump down to your IQ level.

Jim was lazy, but boy was he clever.

A difficult customer walked into the shop that Jim didn't want to deal with, so he grabbed a mop and pretended to clean up a mess.

The manager came over and asked him what he was doing. After telling him that he was cleaning, the manager said, "It doesn't look messy here."

To which Jim replied, "Why, thank you!"

What do you call a clever, socially awkward, bisexual hippie with fancy neckwear who streams Star-Trek?

A shy, wry, bi guy in a fly tie and tie dye watching sci-fi on wifi.

Credits: my bud

So my wife said to me, "I swear, it's like all men share one brain"

I wanted to think of a clever comeback, but it wasn't my turn to use the brain


My doctor just asked me if I knew my sperm count

"Didn't realise they were that clever"

Romney was asked about the Chinese going to the moon...

He responded that when they are up there, they will be able to see the flag we planted over 40 years ago. This is a pretty clever comeback. But the last laugh is on us. The US flags are now all beached white due to the unprotected exposure to the sun's UV radiation. This means the Chinese will think the French made it first.

A little girl tells her dad she wishes she had a sister

In an attempt to be clever, her dad explains, "You do, it's just you don't see her. Every time you come in the front door: she leaves out the back door.". The little girl replies, "ohhhh, just like my other daddy!"

Ok my 4 year old came up with this one, not sure he really understands how clever it is though... Why did the Dragon Cross the Road?

He wanted to eat some chicken.

Clever Husband.

Husband: Today is Sunday & I have to enjoy it. So I bought 3 movie tickets.

Wife: Why Three?

Husband: It's for you and your parents.

A clever way of telling if your kids asleep.

A man tells his kid,
You beep when you sleep.
The dad ends up convincing his kid that he actually beeps when he sleeps.
The next night the dad peeked into his kids room to see if he was asleep.
*beep*
*beep*
*beep*
Now his kid makes beep noises when he fake sleeps.

I came up with a clever strategy to get my girlfriend to like my wordplay-loving family....

....but she didn't fall for my punning clan.

Clever guy applying for a job, ended up talking about the wages...

Manager: '' So you will start at $15 a hour and later you could earn at least $20 a hour. ''

Applicant: ''Alright then I'll be back later! ''


Yokel Logic

Two country types are sitting outside a university, when a man comes out. One of them stands up, and goes over to talk to this man.

He says ''Ello there, son. You look loike one of them clever university toipes. What is it that you're studyin' then?'

The man, slightly stunned, says, 'I study Mathematics, Physics and Logic'

The country dude says 'Oo- arr, logic, what's that then?'

The Student replies, 'I could teach you it.'

'Okay then.'

'So', says the student, 'you look like a country type. I'm going to guess that you have a tractor?'

'Yep'

'And if you have a tractor, then surely you have... a yard, to keep your tractor in?'

'Arr'

'So in turn, surely you have a house next to that yard?'

'Wow, incredible, go on!'

'And taking care of that big house must be awfully hard on your own- so you must have a wife to help out with it?'

'Moi god...'

'And because you live with your wife, I'm going to conclude that you're a heterosexual!'

'Oh lord...' says the farmer. 'How did you know all that?'

'That's logic, my friend', says the student, and he walks off with a cheerful wave.

The yokel runs over to his friend to show off his newfound learnings.

''Ere, Oi've got somethin' to show ya! It's called 'Logic'', he shouts.

'Alroight then', says the friend

'So, do you have a tract'r?'

'No'

'Then you're Gay!'

A clever Russian is planning on a streaming service exclusively for banned films.

He's going to call it Nyetflix.

There was a farmer who grew watermelons...

He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his water melon patch at night and eat his watermelons. After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day, the kids show up and they saw the sign which read, "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide." The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons are missing, but the sign next to his read, "Now there are two!!!"

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.

We'll see about that.

I heard this at work and thought it was clever. Enjoy

(NSFW) What's the difference between a clever dwarf and a blue waffle?

Well one's a cunning runt...

Young boy comes home from school early from school, his mother asks him why he's home early...

Boy: 'the headmaster expelled me from school for using the C word in class!'

Mum: 'That wasn't clever was it'

Boy: 'No, it was cunt'



Sorry if repostage :/

Mice

We've had a few mice in the house recently so I set a few traps.

The next day I went down to check and was very surprised with what I found.

I jumped back into bed and said to the wife, "There are some clever mice in this area."

"Why?" she asked, "Did they get the cheese without springing the traps?"

"They didn't go near them," I replied. "They're sitting in the living room playing Scrabble."

In a bar, there's a guy hitting on a cute Banker girl

The guy brags about all his riches and possessions, but he got shot down by the girl immediately.

The girl said, "Leave me a loan!"

The guy noticed the wordplay, he praised the girl. "That's a pretty clever pun! ...But not as pretty as you"

The girl, now irritated, said. "I'm not kidding, leave me a loan! I lost interest."

What do you call a clever pig?

Cunningham

Q: A word that defines "a quick, clever reply to an insult or criticism."

Sorry, this was "a riposte".

My 5 year old's original joke

My son came up with this one. Clever, I thought.

What has one wheel, spins, but never moves?

A Ferris wheel.

What do you call a clever, socially awkward, bi sexual Hippie with fancy neckwear who streams Star-Trek?

A shy, wry, bi guy in a fly tie watching sci-fi on wifi.

What's the difference between a tribe of clever pygmies and a girls' track team?

One is a group of cunning runts.

Thought I had written something clever until i started telling this one and no one got it.

I made a trip to the local dump yesterday and while I was there, I noticed that one of the employees was coughing and struggling to breathe, trying to heft a bag into a dumpster. So I went over to him and asked "excuse me sir, are you alright? Do you need a hand?" And he just replies "Nah I'm used to it, it's just miasma."

Clever yo mama jokes

The title says it all.

Heres one:
Yo mama so fat that light bends around her.

they call me JOHNNY TWO GUNS

a nickname I invented as a clever ploy

>!to hide my THIRD GUN!<

The trouble with translating jokes is...

Many jokes rely on clever wordplay, which can get lost in translation!


(What? That always gets a laugh when I tell it in Basque.)

Clever son!

Father: Which one do you love more , me or Mommy?
Son: I love you both.
Father: Very Well , lets say I went to Japan and Mommy went to France which country will you go to?
Son: Japan.
Father: See, that you love Mommy more than me?
Son: No, I just want to visit Japan.
Father: Very well , lets say I went to Japan and Mommy went to France which country will you go to?
Son: France.
Father: See?
Son: No its just because I have already visited Japan! :D

What's the difference between a clever midget and a yeast infection?

One's a cunning runt...

In park people come across man playing chess with dog

They are of surprise and say "What clever dog!"

But man say: "No, no, he isn't so clever. I am lead by three game to one!"

A Russian cosmonaut and a Russian brain surgeon were discussing religion.

A Russian cosmonaut and a Russian brain surgeon were discussing religion. The brain surgeon was a Christian but the cosmonaut was an atheist. The cosmonaut said, "I've been out in space many times but I've never seen God or angels." The brain surgeon said, "And I've operated on many clever brains but I've never seen a single thought."

Little Johnny's mother receives a note from his teacher

"johhny is a very clever boy, but he spends too much time thinking about girls and it distracts him from matters that are really important"

The mother replies: "please inform me right away if you ever find a solution. His dad is having the same problem"

Awesome Reporting of the Accident

A car was involved in an accident. As expected a large crowd gathered. A newspaper reporter, anxious to get his story, could not get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim. The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

Three stereotypes (one that you don't like) are in this particular situation

The first two act in a normal or clever way, while the third confirms some negative thing you want to think about the stereotype, but in a humorous way!!

I know a lot of clever jokes about umbrellas,

but they usually go over people's heads.

A pair of Jesuits started a flower shop...

A pair of Jesuits started a flower shop, with prices so below-cost that no other shop could compete. Several of the other shop owners tried to kill the brothers, but they always failed. Eventually, the other shop owners pooled their money to hire the most clever and expensive assassin in town, Hugh McTaggart. He succeeded, demonstrating that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

A clever one from Yahoo! Answers

Sea water equals salt. That's what it boils down to.

Dolphins are really clever

In fact, they have trained humans to stand at the edge of the pools and throw fish at them.

Why shouldn't you make fun of a midget with learning difficulties?

Because it's not big, and it's not clever.

What does an Australian chemist call is bro?

Bromate

Sorry, just studying my poly atomic ions and thought I was clever. I thought wrong

Where did Noah put the penguins on the ark?

In the arctic section.

Note: my 7 yr old grand daughter made this up on the spot, after I told her this joke:
Where did Noah put the bees on the ark?
In the archives.

I think she's pretty clever.

God said to Eve: "I will make your pains in childbearing very severe;"

Clever as she was, she asked, "You mind if I pay in periods?"

Bad joke I made but thought it was clever in 4th grade

What do you get when you slice ice cream?

Slice cream!

... I think I'll join the reposting group now...

Someone asked me if I smoked

I said sodium Bromate

Cuz NaBrO




_______________________________________________

Hope you liked my joke! Let me know if you think you've seen it before. I thought I came up with it but these Jokes are common and I'm not clever enough so I possibly read it somewhere

Either way hope you liked it!

What do you call an alligator that wins a race?

A chompion.

(7-year old me thought he was very clever.)

My better half said period jokes aren't clever

So I wound up discarding 3 pages of jokes i had expounded on the Victorian period.

My account said I'm crazy for investing all my money in my idea of building a business that offers a boxing gym, a dentist, and a manicurist all under one roof.

But I told him I'm going to fight tooth and nail for it. Now if I could just think of a clever name for it, I'd be all set.

What's musical and useful at the grocery store?

A Chopin Liszt

Note: taken from one of those horrible "Joke of the Day" desk calendars. It took almost 12 months to get something clever.

FEmale

The original iron man. (clever feminist joke I read on a T-shirt. Not actually a huge feminist.)

"Woman was in bed with her lover" Clever Woman

The woman was in bed with her lover and had just told him how stupid her Irish husband was when the door was thrown open and there stood her husband. He glared at her lover and bellowed, "What are you doing?" "There," said the wife, "didn't I tell you he was stupid?"

Did you hear about the clever nun who got tricked?

She was nun the wiser

Accountants are very clever opponents.

They are used to being underestimated.

What do you call a dead skunk?

A stunk.

My daughter made this up when she was about 7 years old. I thought it was incredible clever.

Dad why'd you name me Tim?

Well son your Mom and I met at MIT and thought we were being clever.

Then why'd you choose to name my sister Lana?

No reason..

Everybody's trying to make clever statements on Twitter.

In the end they always turn out as 'Stupid autocovfefe!'

I'm getting old, The only way I can screw a woman...

Is to borrow money from her and not pay her back.

(Credit given to my friend. i'm not that clever.)

Sherlock Holmes faced a tax audit because...

all his clever deductions made the tax office very suspicious.

What do you call a clever idiot?

An Oxymoron.

What did the farmer name the clever and scheming pig?

Cunningham.

Puma has created a smart shoe that ties itself via an app on your phone.

Clever idea, but I feel devices like these lack sole.

What's the difference between a clever midget and an STD?

Well, one of them is a cunning runt...


side note: apparently Jim Morrison of The Doors said this gem at a meeting with some record executives.

Know why I won't have two pet rocks?

'Cause I ain't raising no pebbles!


.. Idk, my brother told me that years ago and I still think it's clever.

What's clever, witty and makes everyone laugh?

Definitely not me

When your not clever enough for metaphors...

I've found literal comparisons make great fact similes.

Do you know what "oxymoron" means?

It's a term in which contradicting words occur together. For example:
a "clever vegan"
or
a "female driver"

Now that the democrats banned straws...

Republicans can no longer use strawman tactics. That's actually really clever.

When I was young and was getting in trouble, I remember leading up to Christmas trying think of clever excuses to get off the naughty list.

I guess you could say I was looking for the Santa *Clause*.

How do you describe a cruel, yet clever, German? [OC]

They're auschwitty

Never date a dyslexic midget...

...it's not big and it's not clever.

"You can't teach clever!"

"Yes you can!

It is a three step process:
Find what is normal

Then do the opposite!"

What do you call a quick, clever reply to an insult or criticism.

A riposte

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?

To get to the bottom.

Thought this was a clever one from the 8 year old I nanny

I go to Northern Oklahoma University. Someone asked me "what college let someone as stupid as you in?" I couldn't think of a clever comeback so I just said

No U

What do you call a Hooker with a bar of soap on a sleigh?

A 1 horse open sleigh...

My dad made it up, thought I'd post it here and see if he's as clever as he thinks

What is your clever Wifi Name?

What's white and found up a tree?

Clever fridge.

My wife was surprised when she realized my skill in the bedroom matched my skill at crafting clever punchlines.

To get to the other side!

There is an abundance of creative jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 86 funniest jokes and clever puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any cleverly witze you can hear about clever.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes