Clear Jokes
114 clear jokes and hilarious clear puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about clear that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Clear Short Jokes
Short clear jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The clear humour may include short clean jokes also.
- Whomever said laughter is the best medicine... clearly hasn't tried curing diarrhea with a tickle fight.
- I can't believe how everybody's freaking out over that guy stealing Nancy Pelosi's podium. He was clearly just taking a political stand.
- Today it became clear to me that the letters 'T' and 'G' are far too close together on the keyboard. This is why I'll never be ending an email with 'Regards' ever again.
- When the smog clears over Los Angeles... ... U.C.L.A.
I am not at all sorry for this joke. - When I become a lawyer I want to defend a penguin. Just so I can say the words Your Honor, clearly my client is not a flight risk.
- Got a parking ticket the other day for being parked illegally. Not sure why. The sign clearly said 'Fine for parking'.
- My husband asked me if I could clear the kitchen table. I had to get a running start but I made it
- Guy goes to the doctor and says, " I cnat siht!" The doctor says, "Clearly, you are having problems with vowel movements."
- I asked my girlfriend if looks and money were important to her when choosing a boyfriend... she said "Clearly not."
:-( - If I had the power of invisibility, I would end every argument by disappearing and saying "have I made myself clear?"
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Clear One Liners
Which clear one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with clear? I can suggest the ones about plain and blank.
- As a wizard, I enjoy turning objects into glass. Just wanted to make that clear.
- There is a fine line between the numerator and the denominator the division is clear
- I sneaked onto a beach early this morning. The coast was clear.
- "sometimes you just need a car ride to clear your head." - John. F. Kennedy
- My dad wanted me to let you know he's cleaning a window. He just wanted to make it clear.
- Can anyone adopt my grades? I clearly can't raise them myself.
- What do you call crystal clear pee? 1080p
- How do you clear a North Korean bingo hall? B 52
- Two over achievers walk into a bar.. Clearly it wasn't set high enough.
- Did you hear about the competition for the world's best Tie? There was no clear winner.
- My therapist claims I'm a narcissist, but what does he know? Clearly not as much as me.
- Just so everybody's clear..... I'm going to put my glasses on
- How does JFK clear his head? He goes for a car ride.
- How do you clear out a Japanese bingo parlor? B-29
- Three fonts walk into a bar. The barman says, Clear out, we don't want your type here!
Clear Recent Jokes
Here is a list of funny clear recent jokes and even better clear recent puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Just been arrested by the police after recently being given the part of Romeo in my local theater. The script clearly said 'Enter Juliet from behind'.
- An alcoholic is walking in the woods and stumbled upon his wife lying on the floor recently beaten to death. What does he do? Change his route, he is clearly walking in circles.
- I recently started a new business making caskets out of clear polycarbonate. Not sure if it's going to catch on though... ... it remains to be seen.
Crystal Clear Jokes
Here is a list of funny crystal clear jokes and even better crystal clear puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I heard that Battlefront II removed microtransactions. I guess you can say the game is Crystal clear.
- I have an obsession with polishing minerals! I hope that('s) crystal('s) clear
- Why is the psychic so confident about the predictions she makes for 3 years out? Because she can see what is going to happen in 2020 crystal clear.
- Crystal Clear Silicone Case for iPhone 6 & 6 Plus
Uproarious Clear Jokes to Have a Laugh Out Loud Good Time
What funny jokes about clear you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean bright jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make clear pranks.
An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"
"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Jesus and Moses are playing golf.
After teeing off, Jesus asks Moses which club he should use to clear the water hazard and Moses says, "Use your 4 iron". Jesus says, "No, Tiger Woods would use a 6 iron". His shots goes into the water. Jesus walks out onto the water to find his ball and is seen by another golfer who says to Moses, "Look at that guy. Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?" Moses says, "He is Jesus Christ, he THINKS he's Tiger Woods."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
so a dyslexic person walks into a bra..
The joke is really over at this point. Wasn't that clear from the title? Why did you click through?
Vladimir Nabokov walks into a bar...
The bartender looks to him and says, "What'll it be?" He orders a glass of Redbreast and chats with the bartender awhile. The night grows old and the bar starts to clear out. Eventually he says to the barkeep, "You know, I like my whiskey like I like my women." The barkeep sets aside a freshly polished glass and says, "Yeah, I like my whiskey twelve years old, too."
Midwestern joke I heard years ago...
State officials in Ohio are trying to pass legislation to change the name of the town, Mechanicsburg, to Engagement. When asked why, one official commented that it made clear sense because the town is halfway between Dayton and Marion.
The coach discovers he is going to die in a week
He tells his wife: I want to clear my conscience. I have been unfaithful to you, only once, with your sister.
She says: That's okay. I too have been unfaithful to you, only once, with the football team.
Famous Last Words
Post your own. I'll start-
"Nah, thats not a dragon"
"And it looks like clear skies over Hiroshima today"
Another blonde joke
A blonde tells her husband 'I've been thinking'
He replies 'Take two aspirin, the pain will clear right up'.
Bellboy
Once there was a church that had a bell that no one could ring. One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. So the boy went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell, face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The shocked priest gave him the job. But one Sunday, he ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed and fell off the tower and died.
"Congregation," the priest said before the assembled masses. "Does anybody know this boy's name? Because I don't know him, but his face rings a bell."
Blonde Co-Pilot
This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.
He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out for help.
"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! First, give me your height and position."
She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."
"O.K." says the voice on the radio.... "repeat after me: Our Father...Who art in Heaven....."
What did phenolphthalein do when he couldn't understand his Chemistry homework?
He just added Acetic Acid until it became clear.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Obama frees a genie
Obama frees a genie, but this is a cheap genie and he only grants him one wish. Obama furrows his brow in thought and finally comes up with the perfect single wish and starts:
"Now, let me be clear..."
A blonde calls her boyfriend...
One day a man gets a call from his blond girlfriend.
"Hey Babe!"
"Listen, I need you to come over right now! I'm doing a puzzle and I think it's supposed to be a tiger but I just can't figure it out, I've been doing it for hours..."
The boyfriend was a little confused, as she didn't seem the type to buy a puzzle... But it was clear she was upset, so he made the trip over. He walked in to her apartment and saw her sitting on the floor, a blue box overturned and all the pieces arranged in random circles on the floor.
He looked at her for a while without saying anything, then just sighed and said, "Sweetie, lets get all these frosted flakes back in the box..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy runs into a saloon and yells "everybody clear out, Big John's comin' to town!"
A couple minutes later a mountain of a man rides into town on an ox and he's dragging a mountain lion on a chain behind him. He gets down and punches the ox and slams the mountain lion and says "You guys stay here."
He walks into the saloon, ripping the doors off the hinges. Walks up to the bartender grabs him by the shirt and says "Give me a bottle of beer." Bartender does, guy bites the top right off, c**... it down in one gulp and slams it down on the bar.
Bartender asks, "Ca-ca-can I getcha another?"
Guy says "Naw. I gotta get out of here. Big John's coming to town."
You have to admit, Apple is being treated unfairly after the recent news about the iPhone 6+...
They merely wanted to provide a phone with the flexibility their customers demanded. It's clear that Apple bends over backwards for their fans, and they wanted to build a flagship phone which does so, too.
You could say that the iPhone 6+ is ... ahead of the curve.
President Obama visits the Pentagon...
President Obama visits the Pentagon to test out the latest in military technology.
A scientist says to him "We have two projects that we are very proud of. One is a powered exoskeleton and the other is an invisibility cloak. Which would you like to try first?"
Obama replies, "Uh, let me be clear."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I saw a Russian woman shouting at her husband
It's clear who wears the tracksuit bottoms in that relationship
A guy walks into a doctors office wearing nothing but clear plastic wrap...
Doctor: "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Know why v**... is so clear?
Its so Russians can tell it isn't tap water.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A salesman with a bad lisp...
came to my front door today. He was giving away a coupon for either free cologne or a free abortion. When I confronted him about it, he simply explained "Eidah way, you're gonna clear tha w**...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Kim Jong-Un has promised a new clear future for North Korea.
Oops! Spelt ***nuclear*** wrong.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
In a crime scene....
"So, Rookie, What do you make of all this?"
"Well, the vic was found n**... in bed, severely beaten to death. Sounds like a clear cut m**... case if you ask me"
"close. Our prime suspect is his wife, a morbidly obese woman who says he asked to be on the bottom during s**..."
"So it was a s**... then...."
This bloke said to me
This bloke said to me, "Tim, as a young boy, was your mother very strict with you?" I said, "Let me make one thing absolutely clear. My mother was never a young boy."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A middle-aged man enters a bar, and orders a straight double whiskey.
The bartender asks:
"What's the occasion ?"
"I just had my first ever o**... s**......" goes the guy.
"Well, this calls for a celebration", says the bartender, and takes out a full bottle, "this is on me".
"Thanks", answers the man, "if this doesn't clear up the taste, nothing will".
How many Scientologists does it take to change a light bulb?
None: the light bulb must find $80,000 to become clear, then it will have the self-determination to change itself.
I was clearing out my loft today when I found a catalogued list of paedophiles
Naturally I was baffled to find such a thing in my loft, so I did a double take, and realised it was a TV guide from 1973.
A blonde was lying in the grass...
One afternoon, a college student is walking across the Green and sees a pretty blonde lying in the grass staring up at the clear blue sky.
"Getting a tan?" he asks.
"No! Do you think that just because I'm blonde I'm focussing on my looks? I'm actually a very good student and right now I'm getting a head start on my homework!"
"Oh, I'm sorry. What class is it for?"
"Astronomy!"
I've just sold some glass rockets to Kim Jong Un.
I hope he's pleased with his new, clear weapons.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Dad: Why did the Grammar teacher slap you today?
Dad: Why did the Grammar teacher slap you today?
Son: I just wanted to clear my doubt. I asked her a valid question for which she had no answer, so she took out her frustration by being violent.
Dad : What was the question?
Son: I asked her why 'bra' is singular when it covers two things & p**...' plural when it covers only one
IF JFK taught me one thing...
The best way to clear your head is to take a ride in your car.
My husband doesn't believe me that the Bible instructs him to make the coffee in the morning.
It's there, clear as day. Hebrews.
Barack Obama:
Most of the time, all he wanted was to be invisible.
"Now, let me be clear."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man decides to go to his psychiatrist wearing nothing but glad wrap.
The psychiatrist takes one look at him and says, 'it's clear, I can see your nuts'.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Old Man and His Lake
An old man went down to his lake to clear brush from a recent storm. When he arrived he found 8 beautiful women skinny dipping in the water. Seeing him the women yelled "you get out of here old man. We're staying under the water until you're long gone so you don't see a thing." Quickly the old man replied "I apologize ladies. I'm not here to spy on you. I just came to feed the alligators."
Those who fail to learn history are doomed to repeat it.
Those who fail to clear their history are doomed to explain it.
So I came home today to find a homeless guy munching biscuits over my PC cabinet.
When I confronted him he said he'd clear the cookies later.
If people went shopping like they do in RPG games, shop owners would be rich
"I'll take 99 boxes of Tylenol, 99 tetanus shots, 99 vials of clear eyes, and what's in that little box over there? screw it -I'll take 99 of them as well."
"Very good sir, may I ask what you will be using these for?"
"Who says I'm gonna use them?"
An elephant was drinking out of the river one day...
When he spotted a turtle lying fast asleep on a log.
The elephant walked over and kicked the unsuspecting turtle clear across the river.
A passing giraffe who happened to see this happen asked the elephant, "Why did you do that?"
The elephant replied, "Because I recognized it as the same turtle that bit my trunk 38 years ago."
The giraffe said, "Wow, what a memory you've got!"
"Yes," said the elephant, proudly. "Turtle recall."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
10-inch BIC
Two guys are out fishing on a boat when one of them wants to have a smoke.
1: You got a lighter?
2: Yes. *pulls out a 10 inch long BIC lighter*
1: Woah, where'd you get that!?
2: I have a personal genie.
1: Cool! Can I make a wish?
2: Sure, just be very clear, he's a bit hard of hearing. *Summons genie*
1: I wish for a million bucks!
*The genie snaps his fingers and a million ducks fly overhead.*
1: Wow, your genie really s**... at hearing.
2: I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC?
My wife asked me why I never go to Confession.
I told her I just clear my browser history when I want to wash away my sins.
Why is there no clear distinction concerning the morality of altering one's personality through brain surgery?
Because, it's a bit of a grey matter!
Why were the console wars started?
Because neither side could find a clear resolution
A guy is sitting in the living room with his wife when the phone rings.
He picks it up, listens for a moment then says, "I don't know, maybe you should call the coast guard." "Who was that?," his wife asks when he hangs up.. "I'm not sure but they wanted to know if the coast is clear."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Who is a "d**..."
While at college, foreign students found an online English-to-English dictionary of American slang.
Awesome read, but almost all agreed there was no need to look up for the word "d**..." as it was completely clear.
One student persisted.
And got the answer - the dictionary stated:
"d**..." - the person who looks up for the word "d**..." in a dictionary.
Our joy was limitless.
She said, "boy, I know you got ulterior motives. You can't fool me." I told her, "nah, girl I got one clear motive."
^to fill this ever-deepening void of loneliness.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Woman goes to a doctor with a t**... lodged inside her...
Doctor: So how did this happen?
Woman: I don't know, I mean I didn't get them from the store as usual, I saw a special deal on eBay, a hundred boxes for $1!
Doctor: A hundred boxes for $1? Didn't that sound suspiciously cheap to you?
Woman: Well I thought that too, so I checked the entire listing and it said plain and clear
One hundred boxes of tampons for $1...
...no strings attached!
I must say that I completely support scientists working on discovering a real invisibility cloak.
I just want to make myself clear.
Someone said that all the songs in Moana are pop songs.
But it is quite clear that "You're Welcome" is a rock song.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two pirates were aboard the Queen Anne's Revenge discussing the upcoming pirate captain's election
One says to the other: "Arrr matey, I'll give ye my clear glass eye if ye give me yer vote for captain tomorrow."
The other considers the proposal for a moment, then squeezes his fake wooden eye out of its socket, throws it overboard, spits on his hand and offers it to the first pirate.
"Arrr, an Aye for an eye it is, then."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It's clear why my mom makes so many dad jokes...
She's transparent.
Ben was at home looking for his super cool amazingly fantastic awesome dad
When it was clear his dad wasn't inside sitting, he went to the window and saw....
That his dad was outstanding
Jesus and Satan are having a contest
They want to see who is the best programmer.
So the first challenge is screens. It's a tie.
Then Assembly. Tie again.
Web Design. Tie again.
Challenge after challenge nobody is winning. So after like five days the power fails. So they wait for it to come back on. Then when the power come back on Jesus is the clear winner.
Because Jesus saves.
I can bring a Lady to complete ecstasy with one hand
To be clear, Lady is my cat's name, and the hand in question operates the electric can opener
There was clear fraud and cheating in the 2020 United States Presidential election
and despite cheating, Trump still lost!
A man called the wrong number...
"I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into the phone. "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information."
"Who was that?" his young wife asked.
"Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear."
Mendel goes to see his rabbi and tells him that his wife is trying to poison him.
The rabbi assures Mendel that this is impossible and tells him he will visit his wife and straighten everything out.
Mendel thanks the rabbi and waits for him to come back.
About four hours later, the rabbi returns, looking haggard and exhausted.
Mendel says "So, what do you think?"
The rabbi's eyes drop to the floor and in a low, but clear voice says, "Take the poison".
More of a story than a joke, but it's worth it.
Tony, a friend and mentor of mine (a dad figure) used to start talking about his fantastic new hearing aid, telling anyone who would listen about how everything sounded so clear to him now that he had this new device. He would say, "It's a new kind; it's NOT a MiracleEar." Of course once he told them what it was not, the natural response generally followed, "What kind is it?"
All this set-up and he would check his watch and respond, "About 4:30" (or whatever time it was)
I have some great stock tips..
Always keep the simmer low and slow. Save up the odds and ends from veggies. If you're using chicken, skim the fat/floaty bits off to get a clear liquid etc.
If you keep doing this, you end up a bouillonaire.
I've spent so long trying to think of a synonym for 'ambitious' that I've given myself a headache.
Aspiring?
No thanks, I'll just get some fresh air, that'll clear it up.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When Joe, a nice man married for over 50 years died, his wife, Myrtle was devastated.
A couple of months later, Myrtle also died
Once in heaven, Myrtle anxiously looked for Joe. Suddenly, behind a Cloud, she could clearly see him with another woman.
She ran towards him, calling his name, "Joe. Darling, Joe"
Joe said, "Hold your horses woman, and don't give me that 'darling' s\*\*t. The deal was very clear: 'Until death do us part'."
I have a skin disease called psoriasis
It really only flares up on my legs and feet and using dandruff shampoo helps clear it up or at least soften it. So I guess you could say I use head and shoulders for my knees and toes.
You never want to go near a cow made of glass…
Steer clear
What traffic sign does the Invisible Man always obey?
"Keep clear."
My 14 year old made me proud
I was driving them to a friend's house and we were sitting at an intersection waiting for a clear space for me to turn left. It was unusually busy for the side streets we live on and I muttered "where is all this traffic coming from?".
Without hesitation, they said "from the right".
A tear of pride may have been shed
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
During a water shortage, the government encouraged us to p**... in the shower to save the water from flushing
I now have to shower 3-4 times a day and it's not clear to me how this is helping with the water shortage…
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Zelensky recieves a call from an unknown number (a joke)
Anon: Sir, I have a clear shot at putin. How much will you pay me for successful elimination?
Zelensky: 1 million dollas for not killing putin.
The man shocked at the response, asks for a reason for this.
Zelensky: No way the next guy they put in is going to be this incompetent
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You've been warned. It might be a little early in the day for this one.
If s**... with three people is called a t**... and s**... with four people is called a f**..., I guess now it's clear why everyone calls me handsome.
