Clear Jokes
120 clear jokes and hilarious clear puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about clear that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Clear Short Jokes
Short clear jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The clear humour may include short clean jokes also.
- If you aren't impressed with the picture of the first Black Hole you clearly don't understand the gravity of the situation
- Whomever said laughter is the best medicine... clearly hasn't tried curing diarrhea with a tickle fight.
- I can't believe how everybody's freaking out over that guy stealing Nancy Pelosi's podium. He was clearly just taking a political stand.
- Today it became clear to me that the letters 'T' and 'G' are far too close together on the keyboard. This is why I'll never be ending an email with 'Regards' ever again.
- When the smog clears over Los Angeles... ... U.C.L.A.
I am not at all sorry for this joke. - When I become a lawyer I want to defend a penguin. Just so I can say the words Your Honor, clearly my client is not a flight risk.
- Got a parking ticket the other day for being parked illegally. Not sure why. The sign clearly said 'Fine for parking'.
- My husband asked me if I could clear the kitchen table. I had to get a running start but I made it
- Guy goes to the doctor and says, " I cnat siht!" The doctor says, "Clearly, you are having problems with vowel movements."
- I asked my girlfriend if looks and money were important to her when choosing a boyfriend... she said "Clearly not."
:-(
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Clear One Liners
Which clear one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with clear? I can suggest the ones about plain and blank.
- As a wizard, I enjoy turning objects into glass. Just wanted to make that clear.
- There is a fine line between the numerator and the denominator the division is clear
- I sneaked onto a beach early this morning. The coast was clear.
- "sometimes you just need a car ride to clear your head." - John. F. Kennedy
- Why do cops have really clear skin? They're great at popping black heads.
- How to avoid clickbait? clearly, you wouldn't know...
- My grief counselor died recently Clearly did a good job, because I didn't care
- My dad wanted me to let you know he's cleaning a window. He just wanted to make it clear.
- Can anyone adopt my grades? I clearly can't raise them myself.
- Will clear acrylic coffins become popular one day? Remains to be seen
- What do you call crystal clear pee? 1080p
- How do you clear a North Korean bingo hall? B 52
- Two over achievers walk into a bar.. Clearly it wasn't set high enough.
- It's clear why my mom makes so many dad jokes... She's transparent.
- My son told me the Bible is very clear, there are two genders. Dirt and ribs.
Clear Recent Jokes
Here is a list of funny clear recent jokes and even better clear recent puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Just been arrested by the police after recently being given the part of Romeo in my local theater. The script clearly said 'Enter Juliet from behind'.
- I read recently that Iron Man is actually a woman. I mean it makes sense, he is clearly a Fe Male.
- China's recent crackdown on effeminate men is comical when you consider that it clearly demonstrates their overall dedication to 'CCPness'. Talk about mixed messages.
- An alcoholic is walking in the woods and stumbled upon his wife lying on the floor recently beaten to death. What does he do? Change his route, he is clearly walking in circles.
- I recently started a new business making caskets out of clear polycarbonate. Not sure if it's going to catch on though... ... it remains to be seen.
- In light of recent events, it seems pretty clear to me that w**... and colors shoukd be kept seperate... ...I don't know what to do with all these pink socks.
Crystal Clear Jokes
Here is a list of funny crystal clear jokes and even better crystal clear puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I heard that Battlefront II removed microtransactions. I guess you can say the game is Crystal clear.
- I absolutely, unequivocally support any and all scientific efforts to create a real, working invisibility cloak. I just want to make myself crystal clear.
- I have an obsession with polishing minerals! I hope that('s) crystal('s) clear
- Why is the psychic so confident about the predictions she makes for 3 years out? Because she can see what is going to happen in 2020 crystal clear.
- Crystal Clear Silicone Case for iPhone 6 & 6 Plus
- What do you call crystal clear u**...? 1080p
Uproarious Clear Jokes to Have a Laugh Out Loud Good Time
What funny jokes about clear you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean bright jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make clear pranks.
An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"
"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."
so a dyslexic person walks into a bra..
The joke is really over at this point. Wasn't that clear from the title? Why did you click through?
Vladimir Nabokov walks into a bar...
The bartender looks to him and says, "What'll it be?" He orders a glass of Redbreast and chats with the bartender awhile. The night grows old and the bar starts to clear out. Eventually he says to the barkeep, "You know, I like my whiskey like I like my women." The barkeep sets aside a freshly polished glass and says, "Yeah, I like my whiskey twelve years old, too."
A guy is sitting in a bar when a great looking woman comes over to him.
He's really excited, but it immediately comes clear that she is a h**.... She says, "Hey, handsome. Want to play a game? Here is how it works. I'll do absolutely anything you want for three hundred dollars, as long as you can say it in three words."
The guy thinks for a minute. Then he pulls his wallet out of his pocket, lays three hundred dollar bills on the bar, and says, "Paint my house."
Did you hear about the competition for the world's best Tie?
There was no clear winner.
Midwestern joke I heard years ago...
State officials in Ohio are trying to pass legislation to change the name of the town, Mechanicsburg, to Engagement. When asked why, one official commented that it made clear sense because the town is halfway between Dayton and Marion.
The coach discovers he is going to die in a week
He tells his wife: I want to clear my conscience. I have been unfaithful to you, only once, with your sister.
She says: That's okay. I too have been unfaithful to you, only once, with the football team.
Famous Last Words
Post your own. I'll start-
"Nah, thats not a dragon"
"And it looks like clear skies over Hiroshima today"
Another blonde joke
A blonde tells her husband 'I've been thinking'
He replies 'Take two aspirin, the pain will clear right up'.
Bellboy
Once there was a church that had a bell that no one could ring. One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. So the boy went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell, face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The shocked priest gave him the job. But one Sunday, he ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed and fell off the tower and died.
"Congregation," the priest said before the assembled masses. "Does anybody know this boy's name? Because I don't know him, but his face rings a bell."
Blonde Co-Pilot
This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.
He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out for help.
"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! First, give me your height and position."
She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."
"O.K." says the voice on the radio.... "repeat after me: Our Father...Who art in Heaven....."
What did phenolphthalein do when he couldn't understand his Chemistry homework?
He just added Acetic Acid until it became clear.
Obama frees a genie
Obama frees a genie, but this is a cheap genie and he only grants him one wish. Obama furrows his brow in thought and finally comes up with the perfect single wish and starts:
"Now, let me be clear..."
he turns into a window.
A blonde calls her boyfriend...
One day a man gets a call from his blond girlfriend.
"Hey Babe!"
"Listen, I need you to come over right now! I'm doing a puzzle and I think it's supposed to be a tiger but I just can't figure it out, I've been doing it for hours..."
The boyfriend was a little confused, as she didn't seem the type to buy a puzzle... But it was clear she was upset, so he made the trip over. He walked in to her apartment and saw her sitting on the floor, a blue box overturned and all the pieces arranged in random circles on the floor.
He looked at her for a while without saying anything, then just sighed and said, "Sweetie, lets get all these frosted flakes back in the box..."
A guy runs into a saloon and yells "everybody clear out, Big John's comin' to town!"
A couple minutes later a mountain of a man rides into town on an ox and he's dragging a mountain lion on a chain behind him. He gets down and punches the ox and slams the mountain lion and says "You guys stay here."
He walks into the saloon, ripping the doors off the hinges. Walks up to the bartender grabs him by the shirt and says "Give me a bottle of beer." Bartender does, guy bites the top right off, c**... it down in one gulp and slams it down on the bar.
Bartender asks, "Ca-ca-can I getcha another?"
Guy says "Naw. I gotta get out of here. Big John's coming to town."
You have to admit, Apple is being treated unfairly after the recent news about the iPhone 6+...
They merely wanted to provide a phone with the flexibility their customers demanded. It's clear that Apple bends over backwards for their fans, and they wanted to build a flagship phone which does so, too.
You could say that the iPhone 6+ is ... ahead of the curve.
President Obama visits the Pentagon...
President Obama visits the Pentagon to test out the latest in military technology.
A scientist says to him "We have two projects that we are very proud of. One is a powered exoskeleton and the other is an invisibility cloak. Which would you like to try first?"
Obama replies, "Uh, let me be clear."
A guy walks into a doctors office wearing nothing but clear plastic wrap...
Doctor: "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."
There is a Hispanic train conductor going around committing horrible crimes..
No one knows why, but it's clear he has a loco motive.
If s**... with three people is called a t**... and s**... with four people is called a f**..., I guess now it's clear why everyone calls me handsome.
Know why v**... is so clear?
Its so Russians can tell it isn't tap water.
A salesman with a bad lisp...
came to my front door today. He was giving away a coupon for either free cologne or a free abortion. When I confronted him about it, he simply explained "Eidah way, you're gonna clear tha w**...."
Kim Jong-Un has promised a new clear future for North Korea.
Oops! Spelt ***nuclear*** wrong.
In a crime scene....
"So, Rookie, What do you make of all this?"
"Well, the vic was found n**... in bed, severely beaten to death. Sounds like a clear cut m**... case if you ask me"
"close. Our prime suspect is his wife, a morbidly obese woman who says he asked to be on the bottom during s**..."
"So it was a s**... then...."
This bloke said to me
This bloke said to me, "Tim, as a young boy, was your mother very strict with you?" I said, "Let me make one thing absolutely clear. My mother was never a young boy."
A middle-aged man enters a bar, and orders a straight double whiskey.
The bartender asks:
"What's the occasion ?"
"I just had my first ever o**... s**......" goes the guy.
"Well, this calls for a celebration", says the bartender, and takes out a full bottle, "this is on me".
"Thanks", answers the man, "if this doesn't clear up the taste, nothing will".
From an English Professor.
"In the world of hi-tech gadgetry , I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the practice of using capital letters.
The use of capitals , known as capitalization , is the difference between helping your Uncle j**... a horse, and helping your uncle j**... a horse.
Is everybody clear on that ?"
How many Scientologists does it take to change a light bulb?
None: the light bulb must find $80,000 to become clear, then it will have the self-determination to change itself.
I was clearing out my loft today when I found a catalogued list of paedophiles
Naturally I was baffled to find such a thing in my loft, so I did a double take, and realised it was a TV guide from 1973.
What do you call really clear u**...?
1080p
A blonde was lying in the grass...
One afternoon, a college student is walking across the Green and sees a pretty blonde lying in the grass staring up at the clear blue sky.
"Getting a tan?" he asks.
"No! Do you think that just because I'm blonde I'm focussing on my looks? I'm actually a very good student and right now I'm getting a head start on my homework!"
"Oh, I'm sorry. What class is it for?"
"Astronomy!"
I've just sold some glass rockets to Kim Jong Un.
I hope he's pleased with his new, clear weapons.
Dad: Why did the Grammar teacher slap you today?
Dad: Why did the Grammar teacher slap you today?
Son: I just wanted to clear my doubt. I asked her a valid question for which she had no answer, so she took out her frustration by being violent.
Dad : What was the question?
Son: I asked her why 'bra' is singular when it covers two things & p**...' plural when it covers only one
IF JFK taught me one thing...
The best way to clear your head is to take a ride in your car.
My husband doesn't believe me that the Bible instructs him to make the coffee in the morning.
It's there, clear as day. Hebrews.
How does JFK clear his head?
He goes for a car ride.
Barack Obama:
Most of the time, all he wanted was to be invisible.
"Now, let me be clear."
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table...
I needed a running start, but I did it!
A man decides to go to his psychiatrist wearing nothing but glad wrap.
The psychiatrist takes one look at him and says, 'it's clear, I can see your nuts'.
An Old Man and His Lake
An old man went down to his lake to clear brush from a recent storm. When he arrived he found 8 beautiful women skinny dipping in the water. Seeing him the women yelled "you get out of here old man. We're staying under the water until you're long gone so you don't see a thing." Quickly the old man replied "I apologize ladies. I'm not here to spy on you. I just came to feed the alligators."
Those who fail to learn history are doomed to repeat it.
Those who fail to clear their history are doomed to explain it.
So I came home today to find a homeless guy munching biscuits over my PC cabinet.
When I confronted him he said he'd clear the cookies later.
If people went shopping like they do in RPG games, shop owners would be rich
"I'll take 99 boxes of Tylenol, 99 tetanus shots, 99 vials of clear eyes, and what's in that little box over there? screw it -I'll take 99 of them as well."
"Very good sir, may I ask what you will be using these for?"
"Who says I'm gonna use them?"
An elephant was drinking out of the river one day...
When he spotted a turtle lying fast asleep on a log.
The elephant walked over and kicked the unsuspecting turtle clear across the river.
A passing giraffe who happened to see this happen asked the elephant, "Why did you do that?"
The elephant replied, "Because I recognized it as the same turtle that bit my trunk 38 years ago."
The giraffe said, "Wow, what a memory you've got!"
"Yes," said the elephant, proudly. "Turtle recall."
10-inch BIC
Two guys are out fishing on a boat when one of them wants to have a smoke.
1: You got a lighter?
2: Yes. *pulls out a 10 inch long BIC lighter*
1: Woah, where'd you get that!?
2: I have a personal genie.
1: Cool! Can I make a wish?
2: Sure, just be very clear, he's a bit hard of hearing. *Summons genie*
1: I wish for a million bucks!
*The genie snaps his fingers and a million ducks fly overhead.*
1: Wow, your genie really s**... at hearing.
2: I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC?
My wife asked me why I never go to Confession.
I told her I just clear my browser history when I want to wash away my sins.
Studying engineering in school is like World War 2.
The objective is clear, there's an obvious enemy, and everyone is fighting for the same cause.
Interviewing to get an engineering job is like Vietnam. Everybody tells you a different objective, you're not properly equipped for the environment, and the Asians are always one step ahead.
A man walks into a barbershop
He tells the barber, "Could you give me a haircut, where you cut one sideburn is longer than the other, you use the razor to make several baldspots on the front of my head, and you make clear zigzags down the back of my head?"
The barber responds, "That's terrible! I can't do that."
The man retorts, "But that's what you did last time!"
If I had the power of invisibility,
I would end every argument by disappearing and saying "have I made myself clear?"
How do you clear out a Japanese bingo parlor?
B-29
Who is a "d**..."
While at college, foreign students found an online English-to-English dictionary of American slang.
Awesome read, but almost all agreed there was no need to look up for the word "d**..." as it was completely clear.
One student persisted.
And got the answer - the dictionary stated:
"d**..." - the person who looks up for the word "d**..." in a dictionary.
Our joy was limitless.
Woman goes to a doctor with a t**... lodged inside her...
Doctor: So how did this happen?
Woman: I don't know, I mean I didn't get them from the store as usual, I saw a special deal on eBay, a hundred boxes for $1!
Doctor: A hundred boxes for $1? Didn't that sound suspiciously cheap to you?
Woman: Well I thought that too, so I checked the entire listing and it said plain and clear
One hundred boxes of tampons for $1...
...no strings attached!
Someone said that all the songs in Moana are pop songs.
But it is quite clear that "You're Welcome" is a rock song.
Just so everybody's clear.....
I'm going to put my glasses on
Water can solve all your problems..
Want to lose weight?
Drink water.
Clear Face?
Drink water.
Tired of a person?
Drown them in water..
There is a fine line between numerator and denominator
some people appreciate these jokes, some do not.
The division is clear
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (a blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!"and hung up.
Curious, the husband said, "Who was that?" And his lovely wife replies, "I don't have any idea who it was. It was some s**... woman wanting to know "if the coast is clear."
There was clear fraud and cheating in the 2020 United States Presidential election
and despite cheating, Trump still lost!
The World Health Organization announced that dogs cannot contract COVID-19.
The World Health Organization announced that dogs cannot contract COVID-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.
Can anyone recommend a better way to clear the ice from my windscreen?
I tried using my discount card but could only get 20% off!
A man called the wrong number...
"I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into the phone. "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information."
"Who was that?" his young wife asked.
"Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear."
What to pick
An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"
"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff. The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."
Mendel goes to see his rabbi and tells him that his wife is trying to poison him.
The rabbi assures Mendel that this is impossible and tells him he will visit his wife and straighten everything out.
Mendel thanks the rabbi and waits for him to come back.
About four hours later, the rabbi returns, looking haggard and exhausted.
Mendel says "So, what do you think?"
The rabbi's eyes drop to the floor and in a low, but clear voice says, "Take the poison".
Husband yells into the phone "How the h**... would I know. I'm not a weatherman."
Wife asks him "What's that all about?"
He says "Some guy keeps calling and asking if the coast is clear."
I've spent so long trying to think of a synonym for 'ambitious' that I've given myself a headache.
Aspiring?
No thanks, I'll just get some fresh air, that'll clear it up.
WHO and Covid 😛
The World Health Organization announced that dogs cannot contract COVID-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.
Will caskets with clear lids ever catch on?
Remains to be seen.
My 14 year old made me proud
I was driving them to a friend's house and we were sitting at an intersection waiting for a clear space for me to turn left. It was unusually busy for the side streets we live on and I muttered "where is all this traffic coming from?".
Without hesitation, they said "from the right".
A tear of pride may have been shed
During a water shortage, the government encouraged us to p**... in the shower to save the water from flushing
I now have to shower 3-4 times a day and it's not clear to me how this is helping with the water shortage…