The Best 87 Clear Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Clear jokes. There are some clear politely jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these clear definite puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Clear Jokes and Puns

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

Jesus and Moses are playing golf.

After teeing off, Jesus asks Moses which club he should use to clear the water hazard and Moses says, "Use your 4 iron". Jesus says, "No, Tiger Woods would use a 6 iron". His shots goes into the water. Jesus walks out onto the water to find his ball and is seen by another golfer who says to Moses, "Look at that guy. Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?" Moses says, "He is Jesus Christ, he THINKS he's Tiger Woods."

so a dyslexic person walks into a bra..

The joke is really over at this point. Wasn't that clear from the title? Why did you click through?

Clear joke, so a dyslexic person walks into a bra..

Vladimir Nabokov walks into a bar...

The bartender looks to him and says, "What'll it be?" He orders a glass of Redbreast and chats with the bartender awhile. The night grows old and the bar starts to clear out. Eventually he says to the barkeep, "You know, I like my whiskey like I like my women." The barkeep sets aside a freshly polished glass and says, "Yeah, I like my whiskey twelve years old, too."

A guy is sitting in a bar when a great looking woman comes over to him.

He's really excited, but it immediately comes clear that she is a hooker. She says, "Hey, handsome. Want to play a game? Here is how it works. I'll do absolutely anything you want for three hundred dollars, as long as you can say it in three words."
The guy thinks for a minute. Then he pulls his wallet out of his pocket, lays three hundred dollar bills on the bar, and says, "Paint my house."


Did you hear about the competition for the world's best Tie?

There was no clear winner.

Midwestern joke I heard years ago...

State officials in Ohio are trying to pass legislation to change the name of the town, Mechanicsburg, to Engagement. When asked why, one official commented that it made clear sense because the town is halfway between Dayton and Marion.

Clear joke, Midwestern joke I heard years ago...

The coach discovers he is going to die in a week

He tells his wife: I want to clear my conscience. I have been unfaithful to you, only once, with your sister.
She says: That's okay. I too have been unfaithful to you, only once, with the football team.

Famous Last Words

Post your own. I'll start-

"Nah, thats not a dragon"

"And it looks like clear skies over Hiroshima today"

Another blonde joke

A blonde tells her husband 'I've been thinking'

He replies 'Take two aspirin, the pain will clear right up'.

Bellboy

Once there was a church that had a bell that no one could ring. One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. So the boy went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell, face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The shocked priest gave him the job. But one Sunday, he ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed and fell off the tower and died.
"Congregation," the priest said before the assembled masses. "Does anybody know this boy's name? Because I don't know him, but his face rings a bell."

You can explore clear objective reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean clear distinct dad jokes. There are also clear puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Blonde Co-Pilot

This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.

He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out for help.

"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

She hears a voice over the radio saying:

"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! First, give me your height and position."

She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."

"O.K." says the voice on the radio.... "repeat after me: Our Father...Who art in Heaven....."

What did phenolphthalein do when he couldn't understand his Chemistry homework?

He just added Acetic Acid until it became clear.

Obama frees a genie

Obama frees a genie, but this is a cheap genie and he only grants him one wish. Obama furrows his brow in thought and finally comes up with the perfect single wish and starts:

"Now, let me be clear..."

he turns into a window.

A blonde calls her boyfriend...

One day a man gets a call from his blond girlfriend.

"Hey Babe!"

"Listen, I need you to come over right now! I'm doing a puzzle and I think it's supposed to be a tiger but I just can't figure it out, I've been doing it for hours..."

The boyfriend was a little confused, as she didn't seem the type to buy a puzzle... But it was clear she was upset, so he made the trip over. He walked in to her apartment and saw her sitting on the floor, a blue box overturned and all the pieces arranged in random circles on the floor.

He looked at her for a while without saying anything, then just sighed and said, "Sweetie, lets get all these frosted flakes back in the box..."

A guy runs into a saloon and yells "everybody clear out, Big John's comin' to town!"

A couple minutes later a mountain of a man rides into town on an ox and he's dragging a mountain lion on a chain behind him. He gets down and punches the ox and slams the mountain lion and says "You guys stay here."

He walks into the saloon, ripping the doors off the hinges. Walks up to the bartender grabs him by the shirt and says "Give me a bottle of beer." Bartender does, guy bites the top right off, chugs it down in one gulp and slams it down on the bar.

Bartender asks, "Ca-ca-can I getcha another?"

Guy says "Naw. I gotta get out of here. Big John's coming to town."

Clear joke, A guy runs into a saloon and yells "everybody clear out, Big John's comin' to town!"

You have to admit, Apple is being treated unfairly after the recent news about the iPhone 6+...

They merely wanted to provide a phone with the flexibility their customers demanded. It's clear that Apple bends over backwards for their fans, and they wanted to build a flagship phone which does so, too.

You could say that the iPhone 6+ is ... ahead of the curve.

President Obama visits the Pentagon...

President Obama visits the Pentagon to test out the latest in military technology.

A scientist says to him "We have two projects that we are very proud of. One is a powered exoskeleton and the other is an invisibility cloak. Which would you like to try first?"

Obama replies, "Uh, let me be clear."

A guy walks into a doctors office wearing nothing but clear plastic wrap...

Doctor: "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."


There is a Hispanic train conductor going around committing horrible crimes..

No one knows why, but it's clear he has a loco motive.

If sex with three people is called a threesome and sex with four people is called a foursome, I guess now it's clear why everyone calls me handsome.

Know why vodka is so clear?

Its so Russians can tell it isn't tap water.

What do you call crystal clear urine?

1080p

A salesman with a bad lisp...

came to my front door today. He was giving away a coupon for either free cologne or a free abortion. When I confronted him about it, he simply explained "Eidah way, you're gonna clear tha womb."

Kim Jong-Un has promised a new clear future for North Korea.

Oops! Spelt ***nuclear*** wrong.

In a crime scene....

"So, Rookie, What do you make of all this?"

"Well, the vic was found naked in bed, severely beaten to death. Sounds like a clear cut murder case if you ask me"

"close. Our prime suspect is his wife, a morbidly obese woman who says he asked to be on the bottom during sex"

"So it was a suicide then...."

This bloke said to me

This bloke said to me, "Tim, as a young boy, was your mother very strict with you?" I said, "Let me make one thing absolutely clear. My mother was never a young boy."

A middle-aged man enters a bar, and orders a straight double whiskey.

The bartender asks:

"What's the occasion ?"

"I just had my first ever oral sex..." goes the guy.

"Well, this calls for a celebration", says the bartender, and takes out a full bottle, "this is on me".

"Thanks", answers the man, "if this doesn't clear up the taste, nothing will".

From an English Professor.

"In the world of hi-tech gadgetry , I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the practice of using capital letters.

The use of capitals , known as capitalization , is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

Is everybody clear on that ?"

How many Scientologists does it take to change a light bulb?

None: the light bulb must find $80,000 to become clear, then it will have the self-determination to change itself.

I was clearing out my loft today when I found a catalogued list of paedophiles

Naturally I was baffled to find such a thing in my loft, so I did a double take, and realised it was a TV guide from 1973.

What do you call really clear urine?

1080p

A blonde was lying in the grass...

One afternoon, a college student is walking across the Green and sees a pretty blonde lying in the grass staring up at the clear blue sky.

"Getting a tan?" he asks.

"No! Do you think that just because I'm blonde I'm focussing on my looks? I'm actually a very good student and right now I'm getting a head start on my homework!"

"Oh, I'm sorry. What class is it for?"

"Astronomy!"

I've just sold some glass rockets to Kim Jong Un.

I hope he's pleased with his new, clear weapons.

Dad: Why did the Grammar teacher slap you today?

Dad: Why did the Grammar teacher slap you today?

Son: I just wanted to clear my doubt. I asked her a valid question for which she had no answer, so she took out her frustration by being violent.

Dad : What was the question?

Son: I asked her why 'bra' is singular when it covers two things & 'panties' plural when it covers only one

IF JFK taught me one thing...

The best way to clear your head is to take a ride in your car.

My husband doesn't believe me that the Bible instructs him to make the coffee in the morning.

It's there, clear as day. Hebrews.

I really don't have a clear stance on abortion

On one hand I'm all for killing babies.

But on the other hand I don't support women's rights.

How does JFK clear his head?

He goes for a car ride.

"sometimes you just need a car ride to clear your head."

- John. F. Kennedy

As a wizard, I enjoy turning objects into glass.

Just wanted to make that clear.

Barack Obama:

Most of the time, all he wanted was to be invisible.

"Now, let me be clear."

What do you call crystal clear pee?

1080p

After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table...

I needed a running start, but I did it!

A man decides to go to his psychiatrist wearing nothing but glad wrap.

The psychiatrist takes one look at him and says, 'it's clear, I can see your nuts'.

An Old Man and His Lake

An old man went down to his lake to clear brush from a recent storm. When he arrived he found 8 beautiful women skinny dipping in the water. Seeing him the women yelled "you get out of here old man. We're staying under the water until you're long gone so you don't see a thing." Quickly the old man replied "I apologize ladies. I'm not here to spy on you. I just came to feed the alligators."

Those who fail to learn history are doomed to repeat it.

Those who fail to clear their history are doomed to explain it.

So I came home today to find a homeless guy munching biscuits over my PC cabinet.

When I confronted him he said he'd clear the cookies later.

Why do cops have really clear skin?

They're great at popping black heads.

I sneaked onto a beach early this morning.

The coast was clear.

If people went shopping like they do in RPG games, shop owners would be rich

"I'll take 99 boxes of Tylenol, 99 tetanus shots, 99 vials of clear eyes, and what's in that little box over there? screw it -I'll take 99 of them as well."

"Very good sir, may I ask what you will be using these for?"

"Who says I'm gonna use them?"

An elephant was drinking out of the river one day...

When he spotted a turtle lying fast asleep on a log.
The elephant walked over and kicked the unsuspecting turtle clear across the river.

A passing giraffe who happened to see this happen asked the elephant, "Why did you do that?"

The elephant replied, "Because I recognized it as the same turtle that bit my trunk 38 years ago."

The giraffe said, "Wow, what a memory you've got!"

"Yes," said the elephant, proudly. "Turtle recall."

10-inch BIC

Two guys are out fishing on a boat when one of them wants to have a smoke.

1: You got a lighter?

2: Yes. *pulls out a 10 inch long BIC lighter*

1: Woah, where'd you get that!?

2: I have a personal genie.

1: Cool! Can I make a wish?

2: Sure, just be very clear, he's a bit hard of hearing. *Summons genie*

1: I wish for a million bucks!

*The genie snaps his fingers and a million ducks fly overhead.*

1: Wow, your genie really sucks at hearing.

2: I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC?

How do you clear a North Korean bingo hall?

B 52

Today it became clear to me that the letters 'T' and 'G' are far too close together on the keyboard.

This is why I'll never be ending an email with 'Regards' ever again.

My wife asked me why I never go to Confession.

I told her I just clear my browser history when I want to wash away my sins.

Studying engineering in school is like World War 2.

The objective is clear, there's an obvious enemy, and everyone is fighting for the same cause.

Interviewing to get an engineering job is like Vietnam. Everybody tells you a different objective, you're not properly equipped for the environment, and the Asians are always one step ahead.

I heard that Battlefront II removed microtransactions.

I guess you can say the game is Crystal clear.

Why were the console wars started?

Because neither side could find a clear resolution

A man walks into a barbershop

He tells the barber, "Could you give me a haircut, where you cut one sideburn is longer than the other, you use the razor to make several baldspots on the front of my head, and you make clear zigzags down the back of my head?"

The barber responds, "That's terrible! I can't do that."

The man retorts, "But that's what you did last time!"

A guy is sitting in the living room with his wife when the phone rings.

He picks it up, listens for a moment then says, "I don't know, maybe you should call the coast guard." "Who was that?," his wife asks when he hangs up.. "I'm not sure but they wanted to know if the coast is clear."

If I had the power of invisibility,

I would end every argument by disappearing and saying "have I made myself clear?"

How do you clear out a Japanese bingo parlor?

B-29

My dad wanted me to let you know he's cleaning a window.

He just wanted to make it clear.

Who is a "dumbass"

While at college, foreign students found an online English-to-English dictionary of American slang.

Awesome read, but almost all agreed there was no need to look up for the word "dumbass" as it was completely clear.

One student persisted.

And got the answer - the dictionary stated:

"Dumbass" - the person who looks up for the word "dumbass" in a dictionary.

Our joy was limitless.



She said, "boy, I know you got ulterior motives. You can't fool me." I told her, "nah, girl I got one clear motive."

^to fill this ever-deepening void of loneliness.

Woman goes to a doctor with a tampon lodged inside her...

Doctor: So how did this happen?

Woman: I don't know, I mean I didn't get them from the store as usual, I saw a special deal on eBay, a hundred boxes for $1!

Doctor: A hundred boxes for $1? Didn't that sound suspiciously cheap to you?

Woman: Well I thought that too, so I checked the entire listing and it said plain and clear

One hundred boxes of tampons for $1...

...no strings attached!

I must say that I completely support scientists working on discovering a real invisibility cloak.

I just want to make myself clear.

Someone said that all the songs in Moana are pop songs.

But it is quite clear that "You're Welcome" is a rock song.

It's clear why my mom makes so many dad jokes...

She's transparent.

Ben was at home looking for his super cool amazingly fantastic awesome dad

When it was clear his dad wasn't inside sitting, he went to the window and saw....

That his dad was outstanding

Just so everybody's clear.....

I'm going to put my glasses on

Water can solve all your problems..

Want to lose weight?
Drink water.

Clear Face?
Drink water.

Tired of a person?
Drown them in water..

I can bring a Lady to complete ecstasy with one hand

To be clear, Lady is my cat's name, and the hand in question operates the electric can opener

There is a fine line between numerator and denominator

some people appreciate these jokes, some do not.
The division is clear

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.

The wife (a blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!"and hung up.

Curious, the husband said, "Who was that?" And his lovely wife replies, "I don't have any idea who it was. It was some stupid woman wanting to know "if the coast is clear."

There was clear fraud and cheating in the 2020 United States Presidential election

and despite cheating, Trump still lost!

The World Health Organization announced that dogs cannot contract COVID-19.

TheΒ World Health Organization announced that dogs cannot contract COVID-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

There is a fine line between the numerator and the denominator

the division is clear

Little Johnny wants a computer upgrade

Little Johnny was complaining to his mom that he needs a new computer, because the graphics aren't as clear as his friend's.

His mom looked at the monitor and said, it'll take her 10 minutes to upgrade the computer.

Johnny laughed. Mom could barely change a light bulb, but she was going to upgrade his computer in 10 minutes!?

10 minutes later, Johnny couldn't believe it. The graphics were clearer than his friend's!

"How did you do it?", he asked?

She said, "I cleaned your monitor".

So you've probably heard

So you've probably heard the Brazilian variant of COVID is a bit more infectious than what we have here up north.

Don't worry, I hear things are going to clear up a lot down south when they get a Brazilian Vax.

Can anyone recommend a better way to clear the ice from my windscreen?

I tried using my discount card but could only get 20% off!

I took this art class and the teacher said, draw anything.

So, of course, your boy likes wordplay, so I decided to draw water.

I call the teacher over to look at my artwork that I finished and she said, You didn't draw anything.

I said Yes I did.

She said, No you didn't.

I said Um... last time I checked, water was clear, so I guess you didn't see it.

The teacher must've had some anger management issues because she grabbed my canvas, threw it on the ground, and started jumping on it. After the third jump, she tripped and fell right on her ass.

I said, Oof, be careful... Water is slippery.

A man called the wrong number...

"I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into the phone. Β "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information."

"Who was that?" his young wife asked.

Β "Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear."

What to pick

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff. The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

My husband asked me if I could clear the kitchen table.

I had to get a running start but I made it

Past, Present, and Future walked into a bar, and it was simply tense.

As they were drinking it was clear it was becoming progressively tenser.

By the time they'd walked out it had become perfectly tense.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the clear concise jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working clear goof piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes