Cleaning Woman Jokes
93 cleaning woman jokes and hilarious cleaning woman puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about cleaning woman that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Cleaning Woman Short Jokes
Short cleaning woman jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The cleaning woman humour may include short cleaning lady jokes also.
- A young woman walks into a dry cleaner She asks the elderly owner inspecting her blouse how long it would take to clean.
Hard of hearing the man asks, "come again?"
She responds, "No, it's yogurt" - Sort of clean joke amanda Bynes changed her name to Da Bynes because she's an independent woman who don't need Aman
- Isn't it somewhat ironic that a woman who. hasn't been clean for years managed to die in a bath?
- Be careful of woman who say you're a good catch. They'll try to clean you and remove your spine.
- How can you tell if a mechanic has just gotten freaky with a woman? He's got one clean finger.
- Woman goes to dry cleaners to clean her clothes, the lady at the counter says come again Woman: No its toothpaste this time.
- I don't go on and on about how I can't roller skate But apparently the whole world needs to know about how this w**... in the river can't swim.
- They say a good woman will cook and clean for you. That's why i married a part time Chef and a full-time janitor
- My Dad told me to find a woman that likes to cook, clean, and have s**.... The most important thing though was to make sure that these three women never meet.
- What's the difference between a woman and a hand? One of them can cook, clean and give you an unrivaled s**... release.
The other's a woman.
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Cleaning Woman One Liners
Which cleaning woman one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with cleaning woman? I can suggest the ones about house cleaning and cleaning services.
- How do you greet a very clean woman? Hi Jean
- Why haven't we sent a woman to the moon? It doesn't need cleaning
- How do you clean a seat for a woman? Wipe your face
- How to a greet a very clean woman? Hi Jean
- What does a woman do in space? Vacuum cleaning.
- What do you call a woman in a spaceship? The cleaning lady.
- Man: "Hey baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not enter." - Why is it NASA has never sent a woman to the moon? It don't need cleaning!
- Wise Men Sea man came across a woman, there was a lot of cleaning up
- A woman who can't cook and doesn't clean is... my wife.
- Why hasn't there been a woman on the moon yet? it doesn't need cleaned.
- How many real men does it take to clean a toilet? None, that's f**...' woman's work.
Cleaning Woman Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about cleaning woman you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean cleaner jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make cleaning woman pranks.
An Amish husband, wife and son travel to the city on vacation.
They visit a shopping mall and while the mother is shopping, the father and son are standing in awe in front of an elevator (having no idea what it is). As they watch, an elderly lady walks into the strange silver doors and the doors close. The father and son watch as the numbers go up, and then back down. When the doors open, a beautiful young woman walks out. The father leans over and whispers to the son, "Son, go get your mother!"
A woman answered the doorbell with a man standing on her porch.
The man said, "I'm terribly sorry. I just ran over your cat and I would like to replace it for you." The woman replied, "Well that's alright with me, but how are you at catching mice?"
A woman walks into a cafe with a stomach ache.
After a while she realizes she needs to relieve herself, knowing her farts are loud, she decides to f**... simultaneously with the cafe music. Every time the music gets really loud she let out a long f**.... She saw that everyone in the cafe was staring at her and later realized that she was wearing headsets the whole time...
What a woman says…
This place is a mess! C’mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You’ll have no clothes to wear if we
don’t do laundry right now!
What a man hears…
blah blah blah blah blah C’MON!
YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!
A man and his wife have a baby.
As soon as they are leaving the hospital the baby poops and the wife tells her husband to change him.
A year passes and the woman keeps noticing how the baby looks less and less like them so she does a DNA test.
The test comes back and the woman runs to her husband screaming that the baby isn't theirs.
He replies "Don't you remember you told me to change him right before we left, so I brought the dirty one back and got a clean one."
An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink.
As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
A pastor takes four earthworms and places them in different jars at the start of the service.
Each jar contained something different, the first had alcohol, the second had cigerette butts and smoke, the third had all sorts of sweets, and the forth had good, clean dirt. At the end of the service, the pastor pulls the jars back out and removes the worm from the alcohol. "Dead!" exclaims the pastor. Next is the worm in the cigerette smoke. "Dead!". The worm in the sweets "DEAD!" Finally the worm in the dirt, "Look at this! He is alive!"
"Can anyone tell me what the moral of this story is?"
Mrs. Jones, an elderly woman in the front row, stands up and exclaims "If you drink, smoke, and eat nothing but candy, you won't get worms!"
A woman pregnant with triplets gets shot
with three bullets to her w**.... Miraculously she and all her children survived. However, a bullet had embedded in each of the three children. The doctor decided it would be best to leave the bullets. A few months later she gives birth to two beautiful daughters and a son, with no health complication.
~~~13 years later ~~~
The mother had decided that it would be best for the children if she never told them about the shooting. One day when one of her daughters was using the washroom she peed out the bullet. She freaked out and ran to her mother, "Mom, mom I was just using the washroom and I peed out a bullet, what is going on?!" And the mom decided it was time to come clean. "I was shot 13 years ago, and a bullet has embedded in you and your brother and sister..." A few days later her other daughter comes running "Mom, mom I was just using the washroom and I peed out a bullet, what is going on?!" and the mother responded "I was shot 13 years ago, and a bullet has embedded in you and your brother and sister..." A few days, not to the mothers surprise her son came running "Mom, mom..." "Wait, let me guess , interrupted the mother, you were using the washroom and you peed out a bullet?" "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"
A Scot finished making love with a woman, and heads to the bathroom.
She sees him remove and wash off his c**.... She says, "You Scots certainly are cheap b**...!"
The guy responds, "Hey, I have to clean it. It belongs to the club!"
So a man finds a dirty lamp on the ground...
and he starts to clean it, because he thinks it may be valuable! After a while of rubbing it a genie comes out, and says "Hey! I'm a genie and normally i'd grant you 3 wishes but today i'm really tired, so I can only grant you one."
So after a while of thinking, the man says "Alright, I've always loved Hawaii. I want a bridge that goes from my backyard to there."
The genie snorts. "That's probably the dumbest wish I've ever heard! Make a different one."
So after another long while of thinking, the man says "I want to be able to know what any woman is thinking."
The genie then replies "So do you want this bridge to be invisible from other people or....
Wife's Duties
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties at home.
The first man had married a woman from Georgia and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day, he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from Arkansas. He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was cleaned and the dishes were done, and food was on the table.
The third man had married a girl from Texas. He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.
IF YOU MARRY AN IRISH GIRL
The first man married a woman from Italy. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from Poland. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Ireland. He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees......;)
A soon-to-be-wed couple are snuggling in bed after s**... one night...
...The man suggests that they come clean about any straying that they may have done since they got together.
"It`s best to get this stuff out in the open before the wedding," he explains.
The woman replies, "Oh darling. Don`t you remember? We went through all this a month ago."
The man takes a deep breath and says, "Aah...yes...But that was a month ago..."
The 4 rules of marriage.
A father was explaining to his son the secrets of marriage,
"Son you there are only a few things you need in a marriage:
A woman who can cook, a woman who can clean, a woman who can satisfy you in the bedroom, and lastly you need to make sure none of these women ever meet."
Interview with the 3x Widow (Clean Joke)
A journalist for a local newspaper was an interviewing an old woman who had been married three times before and was about to embark on her fourth marriage at the ripe old age of 90.
**Interviewer**: "Please give me a quick run down of the men you married in the past",
**Old Lady**: "We'll my first husband was the CEO of a bank. He died from a heart attack from stress. God bless him.
My second husband was so much different. He was a circus performer. He could s**... swords, walk a tight rope, and tame lions. Unfortunately, one of the lions wasn't fed one day, and I was single once again.
My third husband was the minister for my past two husbands funerals. I'm happy to say that he passed away peacefully surrounded by his friends and family.
And my soon to be fourth husband is the mortician who buried all three of my former husbands. He has always been there for me and is a kind man. I love him dearly.
**Interviewer**: Wow, that's a quite variety of men. So how would you summarize your love life?
**Old Lady**: Well, I guess you could say, I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.
Five secrets of a perfect Relationship
1. It`s important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks, cleans and has a job.
2. It`s important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It`s important to have a woman you can trust and who would never lie.
4. It`s important to have a woman who is good in bed and likes being with you.
5. It`s absolutely important that these four women never meet.
A Woman's Ultimate Fantasy
In a recent On-line poll 38,562 men across the UK were asked to identify a woman's ultimate fantasy.
98.8% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.
While this has been verified by a recent sociological study,
it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.
The cleaning operation!
A rather attractive woman goes up to the register in a restaurant. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red.
"Are you the owner?" she asks, now softly s**... his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies, "I'm just the manager."
"Can you get him for me? - I need to speak to him."She asks, Running her hands up beyond his ears and into his hair.
"I`m afraid I can't," breathes the manager - clearly a**..., "he's in the back doing taxes right now. Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message."
She continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to s**... them gently.
"Tell him," she says, "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."
Advice from my father
Son, you need a woman who can cook, a woman who can clean, a woman that is great in bed. Most importantly, you must make sure these three women never meet.
Happy Saturday night from Pennsylvania
Secrets to a happy marriage
1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.
2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.
3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have s**....
and MOST important...
4. It is important that these three women never meet.
A lady walks into a pet store...
She sees a beautiful parrot with a sign on its cage: $10 OBO
The lady asks the pet shop owner, "Why so cheap?" The owner says "This bird used to live in a brothel, so he says a lot of inappropriate things." The lady can't pass up the deal and decides to get the bird anyway.
She gets the bird home and the first thing the bird says is "Finally cleaned up this dump, and the new madam isn't bad looking." The lady finds it amusing.
Her two teen daughters get home and the bird says "New w**... in the house, business will be booming tonight." The girls are shocked but laugh it off.
A few hours later the woman's husband gets home and the bird says "Hey Jim."
The seven sons
A woman had seven sons, all of whom were named Tyrone. One day, the local newspaper sent a reporter out to interview her. He asked, "Ma'am, whay did you name all of your sons Tyrone?" The woman responded,
"Oh, it's great! If I need to clean the dishes I just yell 'Tyrone come help clean the dishes' and 3 Tyrones help get it done real quick. When I get groceries 'Tyrone help bring in the bags' and 5 Tyrones get it all inside and put away real quick!"
"That's nice," replied the reporter, "but what if you need a specific son?" The woman laughed and said, "Oh that's easy, just call 'em by their last name."
A woman is cleaning out her husband's bedside table...
...and when she gets to the bottom drawer she finds 3 eggs and $3,458.
Confused, she asks her husband about it. He sighs, then says sadly, "You'd better sit down."
She sits, looking anxious. "We've been married for over 30 years", he starts, "and in that time, I've... well I've been unfaithful."
There's an awkward pause, then with tears in her eyes she asks, "What does that have to do with the eggs?" "Well," he explains "whenever I was unfaithful, I put an egg in the drawer."
"Well three times isn't that bad in 30 years, but what about the money?"
"Oh." the husband says, "Whenever I had a dozen eggs, I sold them."
Two girlfriends meet each other on the street.
Two girlfriends meet each other on the street.
A: How is your married life?
B: For the last couple of weeks my husband has been helping me a lot around the house: watching kids, cooking, groceries, cleaning, doing laundry…
A: How did you convince him to do that?
B: He read an article in one magazine that if a woman is less tired at the end of the day, then she is much more active in bed.
A: And, did it help him?
B: I don't know yet. He falls asleep as soon as he hits bed.. =/
Wisdom of a drunk
A woman in her mid-thirties went to a local grocery store late at night to buy a few necessities. As she was in line at the register, an extremely intoxicated man got in line behind her holding some liquor.The woman ignored him and the waft of alcohol, but couldn't help notice he was looking her over.
Finally the woman turned and asked what was wrong. The intoxicated man looked at her, at the items she was buying, at her again, then said, "Lady, I bet you're single."
The woman was taken aback. She WAS single, but looking at the apples and milk she was buying, and her modest but clean and fashionable attire, she had no idea what gave the drunk man that idea.
"Why yes, I am single. How did you know?"
"Cuz yer ugly."
4 rules for a happy marriage
1. It is important to find a woman who cooks and cleans.
2. It is important to find a woman who makes good money.
3. It is important to find a woman who loves to have s**....
4. It is very important that these three women never meet!!
Door to Door salesman - another oldie
A couple was having their morning routine before they head to their jobs when suddenly the doorbell rang. The wife rushed to the door. When she opened it a man with a bucket full of s,,t rushed in and splashed them all over the carpet with a grin. Before the women could react he started his speech:
- My name is Tom and this is the all new (insert random hoover brand here) vacuum cleaners that is guaranteed to clean any type of mess on your floors, carpets or upholstery. If it doesn`t do the job I will eat all of the s,,t!
At that point the women just asked him:
- Mustard or ketchup?
- Excuse me? - he asked with a blank expression on his face.
- Would you like ketchup or mustard with your s,,t, Tom? - asked the woman again somewhat irritated.
- There is no need for that. Just you wait until you've seen the hoover in action. - he replied with a smirk.
- Oh, but there is. We haven't had electricity for a week.
Adam: God, I appreciate everything you've done for me, but this earth is kind of lonely.
God: Well Adam. I can create for you a beautiful woman who cooks and cleans and fulfills all your desires.
Adam: ooooh sounds expensive. What's it gonna cost me.
God: An arm, leg and your right nut.
Adam: What can I get for a rib?
Fin.
2 beat cops call the crime branch on phone
Hello! Crime branch?
Yes.
This is sergeant John. We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean.
Have you arrested the woman?
No Sir! The floor is still wet!
A cop calls up the station
Cop: "This is officer John. We have a h**... case here. A woman just shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean."
HQ: "Have you arrested the woman?"
Cop: "No sir, the floor is still wet."
Adam is a little lonely...
About a month or so after Adam was introduced to Eden, God and Adam are meeting for dinner. Adam expresses his admiration for the plants and the animals and the joy and beauty of it all, but admits that there is one little thing that he feels sad about: he feels a tiny bit lonely....
God quickly points out that he is already working on a solution: it is called a "woman," and is stunning to behold, beautiful and slim, would make company for Adam, would care for him when he's sick, attend to cooking and cleaning, make love to him whenever he wanted, and basically be a joy to be around.
Adam is suitably impressed, and expresses his eagerness for this "woman" thing to be created. He is practically beside himself.
"There is a catch, though," says God, "to create the woman I described I need both of your legs, and at least one arm."
Adam hems and haws for a while, and then asks: "what can I get for one rib?"
A cops calls for backup from a crime scene
This is officer John, please send backup, a woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean.
Have you arrested the woman?
No Sir, the floor is still wet.
Police talking on the radio...
* Sergeant, we've arrived at the scene.
* So, what's the situation?
* A woman killed her husband. There were 35 stab wounds, two gunshot wounds, and after decapitating him, she finally burned his body.
* Wow, what was the reason she gave for the crime?
* He stepped where she was cleaning the floor.
* Did you manage to capture the woman?
* No, Sergeant. We are waiting for the floor to dry ...
Diminishing Return Joke (request)
Salesman: Lady, this vacuum cleaner will cut your house cleaning time in half.
Woman: Great, Gimme two of 'em!
*Does anyone know of any other jokes that demonstrate the Law of Diminishing returns? Its for a project I'm working on...
5 advices to men for a happy life
1. You should find a woman that helps you with the cleaning and the chores,
2. You should find a woman that is a good cook,
3. You should find a woman that you can trust and share your feelings with,
4. You should find a woman that enjoys making love to you,
5. Last and the most important thing is that these 4 women should never meet.
A middle aged man needs to buy condoms, but he doesn't know what size he needs...
So he asks the cashier at the checkout line. She reaches over the counter, grabs his c**..., and calls out over the intercom, "Medium condoms needed at register 3!"
An older gentleman has the same problem later that day, so the woman grabs his c**... and calls out, "Large condoms needed at register 3!"
A few minutes later a 16 year old boy walks in with the same dilemma. The woman grabs his c**... and calls out, "Clean-up at register 3!"
There was this one lady, she named all her kids Leeroy. Another woman at the park asked her why. She said cause when I want them to do something I just say "Leeroy you better clean this up" or "Leeroy come to dinner" and they all do it. But what if one is in trouble the woman asked?
Why, then, I just use his last name.
A Woman Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor…
A Woman Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor…
A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.
I have an interesting case here, he says. A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.
Have you arrested her? asks the sergeant.
No, not yet. The floor's still wet.
A man walks into a bar..
...and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says: "Hi there, good lookin'. How's it going?" Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door,back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, n**... or with clothes on,dirty, clean... It just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-a**... love it." Eyes now wide with interest, he responds: "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"
A woman is cleaning her daughters room when she stumbles upon her diary. She sees an entry that reads: "I lost my virginitty today"
The woman starts crying.
"How can this happen? I've given her everything. Why did she do this to me? She can't be serious about this. She's in 9th grade for gods sake. How does she not know how to spell virginity?"
God said to Adam "I'm going to make you a woman"
God: "She's going to clean for you, cook anything you want whenever you want it, always look beautiful, never be bad tempered, give you children, always obedient, and she'll never argue with you."
Adam: "That sounds great, but what'll it cost me?"
God: "Oh, an arm and a leg."
Adam: "That's a bit steep. What can I get for a rib?"
Social services are talking to a recneck woman about her ten kids...
Social service guy: "ok miss, what's the first boy called?"
Recneck woman: "Billy-Joe"
SS guy: "and the second one?"
RW: "Billy-Joe"
The SS guy pauses for a second and asks "What's the third child called?"
RW: "Billy-Joe"
Ss guy: "hold on... Are ALL your boys caked Billy-Joe?"
RW: "They sure are."
SS: "doesn't that get confusing"
RW: "Naw, it helps. If I want the house clean I say "Billy-Joe clean up!" And they ALL clean up. At tea time I shout "Billy-Joe, food time" and they all come running."
SS guy: "but what if you need one specific boy?"
RW: "That's easy... I shout their surname."
A woman walks into a pet store..
She sees a beautiful parrot with a sign on its cage: $10 OBO The lady asks the pet shop owner, "Why so cheap?" The owner says "This bird used to live in a brothel, so he says a lot of inappropriate things." The lady can't pass up the deal and decides to get the bird anyway. She gets the bird home and the first thing the bird says is "Finally cleaned up this dump, and the new madam isn't bad looking." The lady finds it amusing. Her two teen daughters get home and the bird says "New w**... in the house, business will be booming tonight." The girls are shocked but laugh it off. A few hours later the woman's husband gets home and the bird says "Hey Jim."
My grandpa always told me that cooking and cleaning was a woman's job, so I was surprised when he confessed he does his own laundry...
I guess he's really passionate about separating w**... from coloreds.
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO LIVE HAPPY LIFE!
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, whom you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be in it with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other
Clever mother
A woman goes to her son's house for dinner with his "roommate"
Throughout dinner he bends over backwards to point out how they're roommates, sleeping in separate bedrooms etc
They have a delicious dinner with the best silverware and then she heads home
He's cleaning up and sees that a serving spoon is missing
A few days later she gets a call from her son
"I'm not saying you did take the silver spoon, but the fact remains, it's been missing since you were here"
His clever mother replied
"I'm not saying you and your "roommate" are dating, but the fact remains, if he was sleeping in the second bedroom, he'd have found the spoon by now."
Three men are drinking in a bar
A Italian, Frenchman and Estonian gentlemen are drinking in a bar arguing who's the best lover.
The Italian goes: "Last night I made love to my woman for 2 hours, she kept screaming for 5 minutes when I was done!"
The Frenchman smirks at that and goes: "That's nothing, last night I made love to my partner for 8 hours, she screamed for an hour after it!"
The Estonian looks at the other two, wipes beer foam from his mouth and says: "You guys really do not know what you are doing in bed, do you? Last night I made love to my wife for 2 minutes and cleaned myself in the curtains. She is still screaming!"
What you get, your husband will get it 3 times more
A woman is cleaning her attic, when she finds an old lamp. Surely enough, she rubs it and a genie pops off and tells her:
"I can grant you 3 wishes, but be aware that anything you get, your husband will get it 3 times more"
The woman asks:
"First I want to be very beautiful"
The genie grants her wish and turns her into a gorgeous woman. He then says:
"Done, and now your husband is 3 times more beautiful than you are"
Then the woman asks:
"Next I want to be rich"
Once again the genie grants her wish, and tells her:
"Done, and your husband is now 3 times richer than you"
The the woman asks:
"Finally, I want to have a small small small heart attack"
Woman Talks
An elderly couple talk in the evening: Honey,
I'm so sorry that I let out my anger at you so often.
How do you manage to stay so calm with my foul moods?
I always go and clean the toilet when that happens.
And that helps? Yes, because I'm using your toothbrush.
How much do you get paid?
The homeowner got into his grubbiest clothes one Saturday morning and set about all the chores he'd been putting off for weeks. He'd cleaned out the garage, pruned the hedges, and was halfway through mowing the lawn when a woman pulls up and yells out her window, Say, what do you get for yard work?
The homeowner thought for a moment, then answered, The lady who lives here lets me sleep with her.
COWBOY TOMBSTONE JOKE
Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery, Logan, Utah! I wonder if he died knowing he won the 'Coolest Headstone' contest? His five rules for a happy life are below.
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me
A 16yr old boy is cleaning his grandparents attic. When he uncovers a strange lamp.
As soon as he grabs the lamp a genie appears. "One and only one wish you have" bellows the genie. Being a young and naive boy only one thought comes to mind. Without much thought he blurts out "I wish the be in between the legs of a beautiful woman". The genie booms "wish granted". With a snap of his fingers turns the boy into a t**....
Five Important qualities
1. Its important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. Its important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. Its important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesnt lie to you.
4. Its important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. Its very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
For cake day, I wanted to share my grandpa's favorite joke when I was growing up: Wanna hear a dirty joke?
-A man fell in a mud puddle.
Wanna hear a clean joke?
-The man took a bath with bubbles.
Wanna hear a dirtier joke?
-Bubbles was the woman next door.
God said man should not be alone.
God told Adam, it is not good for you to be alone, I will make you a woman! She will do all the work, hunting , fishing cooking and cleaning, she will never say no to s**... and will do all your bidding, you will have it made. What do you think said God? Adam replied what will this cost me ? God replied this will cost you an arm and leg . Adam then asked God what can I get for just a rib ? AND THE REST MY FRIEND IS HISTORY.
Foul mouthed parrot
An old woman has a pet parrot with a filthy vocabulary. She warns him again and again to clean up his language. He just replies, "S\*!#w You, you old B\*\^$h.
So she grabs him and sticks him in the fridge to teach him a lesson.
As the poor parrot is there in the fridge, getting colder and colder, he spots a chicken, plucked and ready for the oven. He exclaims, "Holy s**...! What did you say to her"!
Salesman's promise
A salesman knocked at the door and a woman answers. The salesman barges in and scatters fresh h**... all around the living room floor and the carpet.
The woman is shocked and her kids are amused.
The salesman confidently says, Do not worry. I am selling this brand new extra power vacuum cleaner. If it cannot clean up all this s**... in 15 mins, I will eat it all myself.
The woman smiles and says, Very well, so would you like some ketchup or salt with it, because the power is out since morning.. .
(An oldie but I am shopping for vacuum cleaners and this joke has been popping up in my mind.)
There's 4 main rules when looking a good woman in a relationship:
1) Find a woman who's a good cook an an and keeps a clean home.
2) Find a woman who is fiscally responsible and appreciative of gifts you can afford.
3) Find a woman who is passionate and reallllllly good in the sack.
4) And The Most Important of All: Make sure they never find out about one another.
A Woman Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor...
A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station. I have an interesting case here, he says. A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped. Have you arrested her? asks the sergeant. No, not yet. The floor's still wet.