Cleaning Lady Jokes
50 cleaning lady jokes and hilarious cleaning lady puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about cleaning lady that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Cleaning Lady Short Jokes
Short cleaning lady jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The cleaning lady humour may include short cleaning woman jokes also.
- The cleaning lady at work asked if I wanted to smoke a J with her I declined because I'm not interested in high maintenance women
- The cleaning lady was almost finished cleaning a suite when she noticed her Hoover wasn't working. Thinking quick, she threw it out the window, making the room a vacuum cleaner.
- Woman goes to dry cleaners to clean her clothes, the lady at the counter says come again Woman: No its toothpaste this time.
- Sometimes when I feel really lonely, I put a blade to my neck. The ladies like a clean shaven guy.
- Ladies, if a man says he'll clean the garage then he'll clean the garage. You don't have to remind him every two years.
- Q: Why did Captain Kirk go in to the ladies room?
A: Because he wanted to go where no man had gone before. - The cleaning lady at my office invited me to go smoke w**... after work, but I told her no I made a commitment to myself to avoid high maintenance women
- I was laying in my hotel room bed, n**... and spread eagle, when the cleaning lady comes in. Finally.
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Cleaning Lady One Liners
Which cleaning lady one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with cleaning lady? I can suggest the ones about house cleaning and cleaning services.
- What do you call a cleaning lady who is anti-vax? Mrs. DoubtPfizer
- What do you say when you see two cleaning ladies making out in public? Get a broom.
- The cleaning lady refused to mop or sweep "Floors are beneath me" she explained.
- Cleaning ladies: The new craze that's sweeping the nation
- What do you call a woman in a spaceship? The cleaning lady.
- Minesweeper What h**... called his cleaning lady.
- (Offensive) Why are so many cleaning ladies Mexican? They make everything s**... and span.
Hilarious Fun Cleaning Lady Jokes That Will Have You Rolling with Laughter
What funny jokes about cleaning lady you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean housekeeper jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make cleaning lady pranks.
There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. "Write it down," she told him, and again he said, "No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream." Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. "Write it down," she told her husband and again he said, "No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top." So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon. The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, "Where's the toast?"
An Amish husband, wife and son travel to the city on vacation.
They visit a shopping mall and while the mother is shopping, the father and son are standing in awe in front of an elevator (having no idea what it is). As they watch, an elderly lady walks into the strange silver doors and the doors close. The father and son watch as the numbers go up, and then back down. When the doors open, a beautiful young woman walks out. The father leans over and whispers to the son, "Son, go get your mother!"
Three old friends got together and were discussing what movie they had watched when they conceived their children. One lady says she had just watched a movie called The Search for One-eye Jimmy and nine months later she gave birth to her baby. Another lady says, "Oh, I saw the movie Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs and then nine months later I had septuplets." The last lady gasps and exclaims, "Oh no, I just watched 101 Dalmations!"
Lady: "Is this my train?"
Station Master: "No, it belongs to the railway company.
"
Lady: "Don’t try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New York."
Station Master: "No Madam, I’m afraid it’s too heavy."
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady.
He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the h**.... As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his cigarette pack. "I found them in the hallway. Now, if only I could find my sweet little hamster."
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady.
He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes.
In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.
''No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,'' he said to himself.
He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the h**....
As he was cleaning up, the lady came in.
''Here,'' she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. ''I found them in the hallway.''
''Now,'' she said, ''if only I could find my parakeet.''
New Old House
While carpenters were busy working outside the old house I just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning. I had just finished washing the floor when one of the workers came in and asked to use the washroom. I looked at his muddy boots and said "Just wait a second, Ill grab some newspapers"
"That's alright lady," he responded, "I'm already trained."
Lipstick Girls
A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.
Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm. They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them.
The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean.
The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.
That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.
Interview with the 3x Widow (Clean Joke)
A journalist for a local newspaper was an interviewing an old woman who had been married three times before and was about to embark on her fourth marriage at the ripe old age of 90.
**Interviewer**: "Please give me a quick run down of the men you married in the past",
**Old Lady**: "We'll my first husband was the CEO of a bank. He died from a heart attack from stress. God bless him.
My second husband was so much different. He was a circus performer. He could s**... swords, walk a tight rope, and tame lions. Unfortunately, one of the lions wasn't fed one day, and I was single once again.
My third husband was the minister for my past two husbands funerals. I'm happy to say that he passed away peacefully surrounded by his friends and family.
And my soon to be fourth husband is the mortician who buried all three of my former husbands. He has always been there for me and is a kind man. I love him dearly.
**Interviewer**: Wow, that's a quite variety of men. So how would you summarize your love life?
**Old Lady**: Well, I guess you could say, I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.
A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a s**... count
A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a s**... count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" the old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"
Moroccan joke
There's a feminist convention going on where women are talking about what they've accomplished with their SO.
A lady stands up and says "I told my husband that if he wanted clean clothes, he'd have to wash them himself, after the first day, i didn't see anything, second day, still nothing, and third day he started washing his own clothes." The whole crowd starts cheering.
Second lady stands up and says "I told my husband that if he wanted his dishes cleaned, he'd have to clean them himself, first day I didn't see anything, second day still nothing, and the third day I saw that he started washing some plates." The crowd cheers even more.
Moroccan lady with shades stands up and says "i told my husband that if he wanted couscous, he'd have to cook it himself, first day I didn't see anything, second day still nothing, third day I could start seeing a bit out of my left eye."
A lady walks into a pet store...
She sees a beautiful parrot with a sign on its cage: $10 OBO
The lady asks the pet shop owner, "Why so cheap?" The owner says "This bird used to live in a brothel, so he says a lot of inappropriate things." The lady can't pass up the deal and decides to get the bird anyway.
She gets the bird home and the first thing the bird says is "Finally cleaned up this dump, and the new madam isn't bad looking." The lady finds it amusing.
Her two teen daughters get home and the bird says "New w**... in the house, business will be booming tonight." The girls are shocked but laugh it off.
A few hours later the woman's husband gets home and the bird says "Hey Jim."
Diminishing Return Joke (request)
Salesman: Lady, this vacuum cleaner will cut your house cleaning time in half.
Woman: Great, Gimme two of 'em!
*Does anyone know of any other jokes that demonstrate the Law of Diminishing returns? Its for a project I'm working on...
World's Best Vacuum Cleaner
A young man knocks on a residential door and an elderly lady answers, the young man says "hello maam, I'm here to show you the world's best vacuum cleaner!", she responds "sorry but I'm not interested and I have no money" as she tries to close the door.
Of course the young man puts his foot in the door and says "Maam, I'm so confident that this is the World's Best Vacuum Cleaner that I'll eat what's in this bag if you smell anything after this vacuum cleans and deodorizes your carpet!" He then takes a small bag of horse manure and dumps it right on her carpet in front of her.
She starts walking away to the back of the house and he says "where are you going maam, don't you want to see the world's best vacuum cleaner in action?", she replies "I'm going to get you some silverware from the kitchen because my power was turned off last week".
There was this one lady, she named all her kids Leeroy. Another woman at the park asked her why. She said cause when I want them to do something I just say "Leeroy you better clean this up" or "Leeroy come to dinner" and they all do it. But what if one is in trouble the woman asked?
Why, then, I just use his last name.
May Sound like a Joke to Some
Husband comes home drunk and breaks some crockery,
vomits and falls down on the floor...
Wife pulls him up and cleans everything.
Next day wen he gets up he expects her to be really angry wid him....
He prays that they should not have a
fight..
He finds a note near the table...
"Honey..your favorite breakfast is ready on the table,
i had to leave early to buy grocery...
i will come running back to you, my love.
I love you. ...
He gets surprised and asks his son..,
'what happened last night..?
Son told...,"
when mom pulled you to bed and tried
removing your boots and shirt..
you were dead drunk and you said......
" Hey Lady ! Leave Me Alone...
I M Married !!!
This dude went to Maccas and saw a lady wearing a burqa....
Went to Macca's & the girl serving was wearing a burqa. I noticed it was quite dirty and tattered and a bit smelly. It actually put me off so we walked out and went across the road to Hungry Jack's. Here was another girl wearing a burqa. I was happy to see that it was clean and it actually was nicely decorated with beads and sequins. That's when I realised - the Burqas are Better at Hungry Jack's....
An old lady told me this
You know how rubber gloves are made? They hire all kinds of people; black guys, white guys,boys, girls, men, women; and have them all dip their hands in liquid hot rubber. You get all manner of gloves from this. Big ones, small ones, medical gloves, elbow length cleaning gloves. The more durable the glove, the longer they have to hold their hand in the molten rubber.
Betcha can't guess how condoms are made?
How much do you get paid?
The homeowner got into his grubbiest clothes one Saturday morning and set about all the chores he'd been putting off for weeks. He'd cleaned out the garage, pruned the hedges, and was halfway through mowing the lawn when a woman pulls up and yells out her window, Say, what do you get for yard work?
The homeowner thought for a moment, then answered, The lady who lives here lets me sleep with her.
An old lady was cleaning an ancient lamp in her attic
And then p**... , a genie appeared and asked if he can grant 3 wishes for her .
The old lady said
- I want to be young and beautiful again
- I want to very rich
- my cat should become a handsome prince
p**... the next moment she is young , sitting in her palace and her cat now transformed into a prince started crying ..
She asked what happened ?
Cat : I guess you forgot the time you had me neutered !!
Little Jimmy wakes up due to the loud sounds coming from his parents room. Little Jimmy gets there, opens the door and catches them doing it.
The mom was *riding* the father. Of course Little Jimmy being such an innocent child, he didn't know what they were doing, so he asks his mom : - Mom what you doing ... - Your father is too fat , and he has such a big belly , so I told him to lay down, I got on top of him and started pushing and pushing his belly, so it deflates a little ...
-.. Mom , you're working for nothing. Whenever you leave, the cleaning lady gets on her knees and starts inflating him again ..
An old lady walks into an Apple store with a dripping wet MacBook in hand.
She finds an employee and tells him that her MacBook wouldn't turn on after she cleaned it. The employee looks at the MacBook and sees that it's soaking wet.
Ma'am did you wash it with water? He asks.
Yes but I don't think that's what killed it. Replied the old lady.
Than what killed it? Asked the employee very confused.
The Spin Cycle.
A man answers a Craigslist ad for a Porsche for sale.
He goes to check it out, it's a nice late model sport coupe being sold by a middle-aged lady. The engine purrs, the car is clean as a whistle, and drives like a dream. But when he asks the price, the lady tells him $100. This sets off his BS meter, so he starts trying to figure out what's wrong. Is it salvage title? No. She does realize it's a much more valuable car? Yes. Is... is it stolen? No.
So why $100?
The lady explains "Last week my husband goes on a business trip. He then emails me and tells me he is staying in Atlanta, wants to shack up with his secretary, and instructed me to sell the Porsche and send him the proceeds."
A maid decided it was time to demand a raise, so she went directly to the Lady of the house's private study
Maid: "I'd like a raise."
Mrs. Smith:"Why do you think you deserve a raise?
Maid:"Three reasons. First, I can cook better than you."
Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"
Maid:"Your husband. Second, I clean better than you."
Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"
Maid:"Your husband.Third, I'm better in bed than you are."
Mrs. Smith:"I suppose my husband said that too?"
Maid:"No, the gardener."
Mrs. Smith:"How much do you want?"
A lady brought her car into my shop the other day
It had a rough idle. I adjusted and cleaned the carburetor. Called the lady to come pick it up, and when she got there she asked what was going on. I said "s**... in the carb". She said "how often do I need to do that?"
My Service Dog
Just left Walmart where a lady asked me what kind of dog i had. I said a GSD service dog. Very rudely she yells what type of service? I said he is a BLD. What's a BLD? She asked as she has her face in my dog's face allowing him to lick her......Now with a straight face I said "He is my b**... l**... dog. I can't find any toilet paper anywhere because of all you hoarding a**... people, so he licks my a**... clean...... The cashier lost it and walked away from the register.
A housekeeper approached the lady of the house to ask for a raise...
And why would you deserve a raise, may I ask? , said the wealthy homeowner.
3 reasons: Because I'm a better cook than you are , said the maid.
Who told you that?
Your husband. And I'm also better at cleaning.
Who told you that?
Also your husband.
And the third reason why you think I should give you a raise?
Because I'm a LOT better in bed than you.
Hmmm... did my husband tell you that, too?
No, ma'am... the gardener.
Fake out clean jokes
Some of my favorite jokes are ones where the set-up sounds like it's going to be offensive, but the punch line takes it back to clean town. My top 3 examples:
I like my email passwords like I like my ladies... Same one for the last 10 years.
If it wasn't for the Arabs, we'd have never had 9/11! We'd have had IX/XI.
What do you call a black guy on the moon? \*delivered with a bit of disgust\* An astronaut, you racist!
Any others like this?
