Cleaning House Jokes

It’s a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up.

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks. Father Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars. Mother Bear sticks her head out the kitchen door and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mother Bear who go up first. It was Mother Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mother Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mother Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mother Bear who set the table. It was Mother Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food dish. And now that you've decided to come down stairs and grace me with your presence, listen good because I'm only going to say this one more time: I haven't made the f*cking porridge yet!"

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink.

He stays like that for a half hour. Then a big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, & just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry." "No, it's not that," the man replies, wiping his tears, "This day is the worst of my life. First, I oversleep & I go in late to my office. My outraged boss fires me. When I leave the building to go to my car, I find out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to go home, & when I get out, I remember I left my wallet. The cab driver just drives away. I go inside my house where I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave my home, come to this bar, & just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up & drink my poison."

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.
He immediately phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house?" and George said, "No," and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."
Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.

” Intrigued, he walks in. “So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog. “I've led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.” The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?” The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”

It’s a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up.

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks. Father Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars. Mother Bear sticks her head out the kitchen door and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mother Bear who go up first. It was Mother Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mother Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mother Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mother Bear who set the table. It was Mother Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food dish. And now that you've decided to come down stairs and grace me with your presence, listen good because I'm only going to say this one more time: I haven't made the f*cking porridge yet!"

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old man sitting on a park bench sobbing his eyes out.

I stopped and asked him what was wrong. He said, “I have a 22 year old wife at home.
She rubs my back every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.”
I said, “Well, then why are you crying?”
He said, “She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies, cleans the house and then watches sports TV with me for the rest of the afternoon.”
I said, “Well, why are you crying?”
He said, “For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love with me until the wee hours”
I said, “Well, why in the world would you be crying?”
He said, “I can’t remember where I live!”

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.

Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks, "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"

When you marry it is important to patience to see the results....

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....

The first man married a nice girl from Timbucktu. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Ireland . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.

The difference if you marry a Canadian girl...

Three friends married women from different parts of the world...
The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.
It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.
The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Canada. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
He still has some difficulty when he pees.

A man was walking along the beach with his mother-in-law...

She was complaining about how much of a good-for-nothing husband he was to her daughter, when he saw a bottle on the ground. He picked it up, wondering what it was, when a genie popped out. The genie told the man he could make 3 wishes, but when he saw the mother-in-law, said whatever the man got, the mother-in-law would get double. The man thought for a while and agreed. "I would like 1 million dollars," the man said. "Your wish is granted," said the genie. 1 million dollars was added to the man's banking account, and 2 million to the mother-in-law's. She starts complaining, "Thanks a lot, now I'll have to manage all this money, why do you have to be so selfish?!" The next wish was for a large house, and that wish was granted. This meant the mother-in-law would have a house twice as big, and started complaining about how she would have to clean such a large house, and the taxes would be expensive.
For the man's final wish, he wished to be beaten half to death.

Wife's Duties

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties at home.
The first man had married a woman from Georgia and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day, he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from Arkansas. He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was cleaned and the dishes were done, and food was on the table.
The third man had married a girl from Texas. He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.

Top Ten Worst Pickup Lines

10. You remind me so much of Pokemon that I just want to pick-at-choo.
9. I'm new in town. Can I have directions to your house?
8. I misplaced my Teddy Bear. Will you sleep with me?
7. Wow, your legs must be really tired because you have been running through my mind all night!
6. What's that in your eye? Oh, it must be a twinkle from when our eyes met!
5. Did you clean your pants with Windex, because I can totally see myself in them.
4. Those must be space pants, because your legs are outta this world.
3. Hi, my name is Justin… Justin Credible.
2. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but can still make your Bedrock.
1. Is your name Visa, because you're everywhere I want to be.

How to Get to Heaven

I was testing children in my Sunday School class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven.
I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered in unison.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?"
Again, the answer was a unanimous "NO!"
"If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?"
Again, they all answered "NO!"
I was just bursting with pride for them.
I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"
This time, there was no shout in unison. Finally, the silence was broken whan a little boy shouted out, "You've got to be dead!"

The Art Collector [Clean]

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store. He does a double take.
He knows that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.
The store owner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale."
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you 20 dollars for that cat."
And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."
The owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."

So a hunter

made a deal with his wife that if he catches a bear, she would field clean and prepare it. If he doesn't, she gets a day at the spa.
He walked out of their hunting lodge to his favorite spot and waited for a bear to pass by.
He sees a few creatures, but not the trophy he's looking for. An hour goes by...two hours... three hours, and then finally, there it is. The biggest bear he'd ever seen. Well, he slowly, quietly picks up his gun, aims, pulls the trigger, and "click" the gun jams.
"Uh oh" thinks the hunter, as he starts to get up to get out of there. But, the bear noticed and moved towards him. This caused the hunter to run, and the bear gave chase. He ran faster than he ever had before, all the way back to the hunting lodge. He thought he was in the clear, but he tripped going up the steps to the front door.
The bear jumps right over him and through the door into the house. The hunter shouts from outside " You clean this one, I'm gonna go get another one"

Daddy, why do you do all the work around here?

A young child kept noticing that at his home his dad always seemed to do all the house-work, and his mother did nothing. It was his dad that fixed the meals, shopped for groceries, cleaned the house etc.
Finally, one day, the son goes up to his father and asks him, "Daddy, why do you do all the work around here?"
His dad replies "Well, when you were born, I had a deal with your mother. For my part of the deal, I have to do all the work around here."
"So, what was her part of the deal? Was it worth all the effort that you put in everyday?"
"Ofcourse it was worth the effort, Goku, ofcourse it was."

Two girlfriends meet each other on the street.

Two girlfriends meet each other on the street.
A: How is your married life?
B: For the last couple of weeks my husband has been helping me a lot around the house: watching kids, cooking, groceries, cleaning, doing laundry…
A: How did you convince him to do that?
B: He read an article in one magazine that if a woman is less tired at the end of the day, then she is much more active in bed.
A: And, did it help him?
B: I don't know yet. He falls asleep as soon as he hits bed.. =/

World's Best Vacuum Cleaner

A young man knocks on a residential door and an elderly lady answers, the young man says "hello maam, I'm here to show you the world's best vacuum cleaner!", she responds "sorry but I'm not interested and I have no money" as she tries to close the door.
Of course the young man puts his foot in the door and says "Maam, I'm so confident that this is the World's Best Vacuum Cleaner that I'll eat what's in this bag if you smell anything after this vacuum cleans and deodorizes your carpet!" He then takes a small bag of horse manure and dumps it right on her carpet in front of her.
She starts walking away to the back of the house and he says "where are you going maam, don't you want to see the world's best vacuum cleaner in action?", she replies "I'm going to get you some silverware from the kitchen because my power was turned off last week".

How do you get into Heaven?

When Tim was just a wee lad, he went regularly to Sunday School. One day, his teacher decided to test Tim to see if he understood the concept of getting to Heaven. She asked him, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, Would that get me into Heaven?"
"NO!" Tim answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!"
By now, the teacher was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, Tim answered, "NO!"
The Sunday School teacher was just bursting with pride for him.
Well, she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A very confident young Tim shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."

Social services are talking to a recneck woman about her ten kids...

Social service guy: "ok miss, what's the first boy called?"
Recneck woman: "Billy-Joe"
SS guy: "and the second one?"
RW: "Billy-Joe"
The SS guy pauses for a second and asks "What's the third child called?"
RW: "Billy-Joe"
Ss guy: "hold on... Are ALL your boys caked Billy-Joe?"
RW: "They sure are."
SS: "doesn't that get confusing"
RW: "Naw, it helps. If I want the house clean I say "Billy-Joe clean up!" And they ALL clean up. At tea time I shout "Billy-Joe, food time" and they all come running."
SS guy: "but what if you need one specific boy?"
RW: "That's easy... I shout their surname."

Clever mother

A woman goes to her son's house for dinner with his "roommate"
Throughout dinner he bends over backwards to point out how they're roommates, sleeping in separate bedrooms etc
They have a delicious dinner with the best silverware and then she heads home
He's cleaning up and sees that a serving spoon is missing
A few days later she gets a call from her son
"I'm not saying you did take the silver spoon, but the fact remains, it's been missing since you were here"
His clever mother replied
"I'm not saying you and your "roommate" are dating, but the fact remains, if he was sleeping in the second bedroom, he'd have found the spoon by now."

An elderly couple were invited to their friend John's house for the evening

John's wife served dinner, and after eating, the men's wives went through to the kitchen to clean up.
As the men were chatting, one says to the other: "I brought my wife to a great restaurant last night, I really recommend it"
"What was it called?" replied the other
The first man thought for a while, "What's the word for that flower, you know the one with thorns on, usually red I think...?"
"A rose you mean?"
"Ah yes, that's it." He turned round and called into the kitchen, where his wife was washing dishes, "Rose, what was the name of the restaurant we went to yesterday?"