Clean Jokes
Following is our collection of housework puns and cleaner one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Clean jokes for adults, dirty vigorous cleaning jokes and clean cleanliness dad gags for kids.
The Best Clean Puns
I'm 60 days clean now.
It's been hard showering every day, but thankfully I had heroin to help me through it.
What is the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A hooker can clean her crack and resell it.
I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday.
My boss said, Clean our your desk, and I'll see you in the office on Monday.
I like my women like I like my microwave
Hot, clean, and she'll kill any baby I put inside her.
Got fired from my job at the keyboard factory
At first I just wasn't putting in enough shifts, then I couldn't keep the space clean and finally I lost control
Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...
People will eventually get over it.
Got a new roommate. She cleans my room, I clean hers.
We are maid for each other.
God said to Adam "I'm going to make you a woman"
God: "She's going to clean for you, cook anything you want whenever you want it, always look beautiful, never be bad tempered, give you children, always obedient, and she'll never argue with you."
Adam: "That sounds great, but what'll it cost me?"
God: "Oh, an arm and a leg."
Adam: "That's a bit steep. What can I get for a rib?"
How many wipes does it take to clean a keyboard?
thbjgctr[HUV93tqwbhj4yui89 4ruq9-tyq3t9qp36crioedfh qweoyq9f7ewr y9p7q8tr q37902t 4047yq3rqwrqorgq rp8oqgrqo8g8owg fp8ewfg o8wegf ofhu prhq439pyr q4t83q[i09[fi0a[fdshv payuhieyu463wsur58ry r927ct9y1y9f38qepw0t7f8qeje278ee0
I used to be addicted to soap....
I'm clean now.
How many wipes does it take to clean a keyboard?
qwsedrftgyhujikolpawesdrtfgyhujikloaszxdcrfvgtbhnjmk,lazsxdcfvgsedtfrgyftg67y78u87u8uii9op[;'';;'/;l/l;.l.k,lkmjkmertyudfghjk12q21q2qw3qwe3we4r45rt6ygerdgfvbwedfcv qwedfscv
A wife asks her husband to sweep the house.
After 5 minutes she walks in on him playing video games, "I thought I asked you to sweep the house"
"It's clean", he replies, "I didn't find any hostiles"
Personally, i think that Tide pods are even better than advertised.
I mean, anything that can clean your clothes and the gene pool in the same product...
I've been clean for 45 days now
It's been tough taking a shower everyday, but at least I have the heroin to help me get throught it.
Jim was lazy, but boy was he clever.
A difficult customer walked into the shop that Jim didn't want to deal with, so he grabbed a mop and pretended to clean up a mess.
The manager came over and asked him what he was doing. After telling him that he was cleaning, the manager said, "It doesn't look messy here."
To which Jim replied, "Why, thank you!"
I should clean mirrors for a living.
It's a profession I see myself in.
My daughter wanted a Cinderella themed birthday party,
So I made her and all her friends clean the house.
To be fair, Donald Trump HAS created a lot of jobs.
It's going to take a lot of people to clean up this mess.
I'm 30 days clean now
Taking a shower every day was hard, it's a good thing I had meth to get me through it
How can you tell a mechanic just had sex?
Two of his fingers are clean.
I had posted this on Clean Jokes, just thought you guys would appreciate it.
So, The Past, Present, and Future all walk into a bar
It was tense.
I used to be addicted to Tide Pods...
But I'm clean now.
Wife: "Why are the dishes still in the sink?"
Husband: "Because if I let them soak for long enough, getting them clean will be effortless.
\**Wife rolls eyes*\*
Wife: "Oh forget it. I'll do it myself."
\**Wife goes to wash the dishes*\*
Husband (under his breath): "See? Effortless."
Cleaning mirrors for a living might not pay much
But it's definitely something I could see myself doing
I'm finally 5 years clean!
Having to get a shower every day has been hard - luckily, I've had my heroin addiction to help me through it.
I always used to lick the bowl clean.
Until my parents told me to flush it like everyone else.
Man sentenced to five years for masturbating with soap in public.
Came clean in court.
My Dad told me to find a woman that likes to cook, clean, and have sex.
The most important thing though was to make sure that these three women never meet.
A young woman walks into a dry cleaner
She asks the elderly owner inspecting her blouse how long it would take to clean.
Hard of hearing the man asks, "come again?"
She responds, "No, it's yogurt"
Advice from my father
Son, you need a woman who can cook, a woman who can clean, a woman that is great in bed. Most importantly, you must make sure these three women never meet.
Happy Saturday night from Pennsylvania
A man joins the mob and becomes the personal assistant to the Godfather
One day he receives a text message from the boss. "I've been having problems with my wife. Please pull the plug and then call someone in to take care of the matter."
The man knows better than to question the Godfather, so he dutifully carries out the command. He shoots the boss's wife, and then calls in the clean up crew.
But a short while later, he receives another message. "Stupid autocorrect. I meant wifi."
I really hate men that says women belongs in the kitchen
How are they then supposed to clean the rest of the house?
Dry Cleaning
Monica Lewinsky walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy, "I've got another dress for you to clean."
Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?"
"No," says Monica. "Mustard this time."
Jokes that say women should stay in the kitchen are so offensive...
How else are they supposed to clean the rest of the house?
How do you clean up after a spitroast sex?
With 2-in-1 shampoo.
What's the cleanest language in the world?
Polish
My dog came bounding into the house this morning with the neighbour's rabbit hanging lifeless from it's jaws.
Panic set in and so I scrubbed it clean and got all the blood marks off until it was pure white again. I then sneaked into their garden and popped it back in its hutch.
That evening my neighbour knocked at my door and said "I can't believe it, flopsy is lying dead in its hutch and the kids are hysterical."
"Sorry to hear that" I replied nervously.
"The strange thing is" he said "we buried it a couple of days ago."
So, my 3 year old cousin was over this morning.
I needed to grab a quick shower as I let him watch cartoons in the living room. When I came out, there was black permanent marker all over my 55 inch TV screen. I LITERALLY FREAKED OUT. Does anyone know what is best used to clean blood out of a carpet?
Annoying husband
Husband says: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Wife says: I clean the toilet...
Husband says: How does that help?
Wife says: I use your Toothbrush.....
Three blondes are walking through the woods...
They come across a pair of tracks.
The first blonde says, "I think these are bear tracks!"
"No", the second blondes goes, "these are definitely deer tracks!"
The third blonde says, "I think they're rabbit tracks!!"
Then the train hit them...
This is my favorite clean joke by far.
How can you tell a mechanic recently had sex?
He has 1 clean finger.
src: heard on radio yesterday
Im 60 days clean now.
It's been hard taking a bath every day, but at least I had heroin to help me through it.
A cops calls for backup from a crime scene
This is officer John, please send backup, a woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean.
Have you arrested the woman?
No Sir, the floor is still wet.
My friend got jury duty
So I drove him down to the courthouse. He came out 5 minutes later and said we could go. I said "How did you do that?" He said it was easy, just pretend to be super racist and they let you go. So I tried it myself a couple weeks later.
Apparently it doesn't work if you're the defendant.
What do you call a dinosaur with clean teeth?
A Flossaraptor
I know a hypnotist who could control the whole audience.
He'd enter the room, say 'sleep' and everyone would fall asleep.
He'd say ''laugh'', the audience would burst out laughing.
One day, he entered the room where he would make his show as usual, but tripped in the stairs; and yelled ''shit''!
The room took three hours to clean.
Dwayne Johnson paid me to clean up and organize his craft room, but sadly, I lost his scrapbook cutting tool.
I lost the Rock's paper scissors.
Monica Lewinsky walks into a cleaners....
with a dress and yells at the old owner who is hard of hearing
"I need to dry clean my dress"
The owner cups his hand next to his ear
"come again"
"No it's ketchup this time"
The cleaning lady at work asked if I wanted to smoke a J with her
I declined because I'm not interested in high maintenance women
A black kid puts powder on his face and realised he looked white
So he went down to his mom and said
Look mom I'm white .
His mother tells him
Don't do that, it's not funny now go wash up .
The kid then goes to his dad who said
Why are you doing stupid things. Now go clean up .
The kid disappointed with his parents reaction says to himself as he cleans up
One day of being white and I already hate black people .
I hear voices telling me to do things I don't want to do
"Take out the trash"
"Do the dishes"
"Clean the litter box"
Why did I get married?
How do you greet a very clean woman?
Hi Jean
My friend used to be addicted to mud wrestling...
He's 6 months clean now.
The 4 rules of marriage.
A father was explaining to his son the secrets of marriage,
"Son you there are only a few things you need in a marriage:
A woman who can cook, a woman who can clean, a woman who can satisfy you in the bedroom, and lastly you need to make sure none of these women ever meet."
I was addicted to Tide Pods
I'm clean now
A Pirate's Life
A pirate goes into a bar and sits down.
The bartender says:
"Wow, you look like you've had a long life. Tell me about it. How did you get your wooden leg?"
" Arrr.... me ship capsized and a shark bit me leg off. Then while loading a canon it blew me hand clean off".
"What about the eye-patch?".
"I happened to look up when a gull flying overhead crapped on me eye".
"Well, that doesn't qualify an eye patch, now does it?"
"Arrrgh, it was the first day I got me hook".
So Adam was lonely.
God asked Adam, "What's wrong?"
Adam replied, "I'm lonely."
So God said, "Adam, I will make you a partner. She will wash and cook and clean for you; she will listen to what you have to say and never interrupt you. She won't nag you about your actions and she will even bear your children. She will stay loyal to you and never be influenced by other men."
So Adam asked, "Well, what's his gonna cost me?"
"An arm and a leg," God replied.
Then Adam asked, "Well what can I get for a rib?"
Why is outer space so clean?
It's a vacuum!
Sex with my wife is like the England World Cup squad
neither of us know why we're there or what we're doing, there's little passion or communication and we rarely even make it past the first stage.
It's often accompanied by lots of unnecessary noise, horrible dribbling and never a clean sheet.
It's always over far too quickly and when it does end we know it'll be at least another 4 years before it happens again.
A huge crab walks into a bar...
...and says to the barman, "I demand one pint of lager. I will pay the full price, provided that the following criteria are met. The beer should be served to me within one minute of ordering, and at a temperature of between 6-9 degrees Celsius. The beer should be served in a clean, cold glass and a beer mat must be provided. If the quality of the provided beer does not meet my high standards, you must agree to refund the full amount charged, and provide any additional financial compensation for any discomfort, stress or time wasted."
The barman looks at the crab and says, "why the big clause?"
Adam and Eve
When God made Adam he noticed that Adam was sad and asked what was wrong.
Adam - I'm lonely.
God - That's no good! How about I make you a companion? One that is gorgeous, give you mind blowing sex, will cook and clean, and doesn't mind it when you spend time with the guys or watch football?
Adam - That sounds awesome! What will it cost me?
God - An arm and a leg!
Adam - What can I get for a rib?
Johny took a bath with bubbles.
Now let me tell you a dirty joke. Bubbles is his neighbor.
A nice clean jewish joke
The young rabbi was an avid golfer. Even on Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the year, he snuck out by himself for a quick nine holes.
On the last hole he teed off, and a gust of wind carried his ball directly over the hole and dropped it in for a hole in one.
An angel who witnessed this miracle complained to God, This guy is playing golf on Yom Kippur, and you cause him to get a hole in one? This is a punishment?
Of course it is, said the Lord, smiling. Who can he tell?
Best excuse for missing work
The voices told me to clean the guns.
A young, poor boy approaches a cheesemaker...
A young, poor boy approaches a cheesemaker.
"Sir, I am very hungry. I am willing to clean your entire cheese shop for a pound of cheddar. "
The cheesemaker thinks for a moment, decides, and nods. "Forthwith!"
The little boy grabs a broom and vigilantly begins cleaning.
At the end of the day, the little boy shows the cheesemaker his fine work. The cheesemaker, approving of the poor boy's efforts, hands him a pound of Swiss cheese.
"But I said I would clean your shop for a pound of cheddar!" protested the boy.
And the cheesemaker replies, "And I thaid for thwith."
What do you call a clean white board?
Remarkable!
Clean Shave
An old drover walks into a barber shop in Black Stump Crossing, NT, Aussie, for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old drover to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old drover tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in yonks, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."
A soon-to-be-wed couple are snuggling in bed after sex one night...
...The man suggests that they come clean about any straying that they may have done since they got together.
"It`s best to get this stuff out in the open before the wedding," he explains.
The woman replies, "Oh darling. Don`t you remember? We went through all this a month ago."
The man takes a deep breath and says, "Aah...yes...But that was a month ago..."
Wife's Duties
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties at home.
The first man had married a woman from Georgia and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day, he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from Arkansas. He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was cleaned and the dishes were done, and food was on the table.
The third man had married a girl from Texas. He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.
How many dubstep fans does it take to clean a shower?
100.
1 to actually clean the shower, and 99 to stand around and talk about how filthy it is.
How can you tell if a mechanic has gotten laid?
He has one clean finger
Why is the demand for potato chips rising in China?
They need clean air.
A Woman Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor…
A Woman Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor…
A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.
I have an interesting case here, he says. A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.
Have you arrested her? asks the sergeant.
No, not yet. The floor's still wet.
God see's Adam feeling depressed, and he decides help him out.
God says, " Adam, I will make you a companion who will cook for you, clean for you, do your laundry and please you in every way you can imagine".
Adam says, "Wow! This sounds great, but what will it cost me?"
God replies,"An arm and a leg".
Adam thinks about this for a second and says, "What can I get for a rib?"
Why doesn't Mrs. Clean get pregnant?
Because Mr. Clean comes in a bottle.
Clean Joke...
What's great about living in Switzerland?
....
.......
.............
The flag is a big plus
Laziness is the engine of progress.
The accountant printed out 50 absolutely clean sheets on the printer. To the question Why? , she replied that she needed 50 blank sheets, and she did not want to count them manually.
Old genie joke...
Three men find themselves stranded on a deserted island. After several years, despite their differences, they become close friends out of necessity. One day, they find an old lamp. On rubbing it clean, they release a genie who grants them each one wish.
"I wish to return to my old life!" Two of the men shout, disappearing in a puff of smoke.
The third man, a little slow, looks around at the empty island. Overcome by loneliness, he mutters, "I wish my friends were here."
How does Kris Kringle clean his hands?
Santatizer
I like to do my laundry naked so that all my clothes are clean.
Unfortunately, the patrons at the laundromat don't seem to agree.
Mind Your Words...
In a packed auditorium, a hypnotist hypnotized the whole audience with a Pendulum.
Suddenly, the Pendulum fell down.
He said "SHIT"...
It took 3 Days to clean the whole auditorium...
I used to be addicted to having sex with bars of soap.
But then I came clean.
How many dub-step artists does it take to clean a bathtub?
100\. One to actually clean it, and 99 to talk about how dirty it is.
I used to have an addiction to dirt
But I've now been clean for over a year
What does the Pope use to clean his counters?
A Papal towel.
Why did Sean Connery hire a special kid to clean his kitchen?
He had Dish-abilities
There is an abundance of wash jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 86 funniest jokes and clean puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any laundry witze you can hear about clean.
Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.