clean Jokes

funny clean jokes and hilarious stories

INTRODUCTION

What are Clean jokes? Clean jokes are one of the most funny and hilarious. Here is list with the Top 408 clean jokes to have fun with friends and family. Most famous jokes about clean ever. Funniest clean sayings and gags.

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BEST CLEAN JOKES

What are the best clean jokes? First are the Top 10 Clean jokes of all time. They are selected among the best 408 clean ever told. Below are some new and well-known jokes.

Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
A: Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.

Q: Why did the old woman put roller skates on her rocking chair?
A: Because she wanted to rock and roll.

Q: What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
A: I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim." That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

Q: Have you heard about the new restaurant called Karma?
A: There’s no menu; you get what you deserve.

Q: What did one hat say to another?
A: You stay here, I’ll go on a head.

Paddy and Murphy are havin' a pint in the pub, when some scuba divers come on the TV. Paddy says, "Murphy, why is it them deep sea divers always sit on the side of the boat with them air tanks on their backs, and fall backwards out of the boat?" Murphy thinks for a minute then says, "That's easy. It's 'cos if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the friggin boat!"

A girl asks her father, " Why does it rain? Is it God sweating or crying?" " No," says her father, " it rains to make the plants grow. Do you understand?" " Not exactly," says the girl. " Why does it rain on the sidewalk?"

A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?" "Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer. "Nope," replied the man. "OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $5,000 he owed you," said the lawyer. "But it's only $500," replied the man. "Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!"

Q: Why did the tofu cross the road?
A: To prove he wasn't chicken.

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FUNNY CLEAN JOKES

What are the funniest clean jokes of all time? Laugh with some of the best clean funny lines ever said. Here are the rest of all 408 jokes that are about clean.

Q: What does a nosy pepper do? A: It gets jalapeño business.

Q: When are holes beautiful?
A: When they're gorges.

An Indian cab driver picked up a Japanese man from a hotel. Along the way, they saw a Honda motorcycle overtake the taxicab and the Japanese guy said, "Motorcycle very fast, made in Japan." Then a Toyota car overtook the taxicab and the Japanese guy said, "Car very fast, made in Japan." When they reached the destination the fare was 1500 rupees. The Japanese man thought the ride was would only cost 500 rupees. He asked the driver why the ride was so expensive. The driver said, "Meter very fast, made in India."

Q:What Do Tree's Drink?

A:Root beer

Q: Why did the runner stop listing to music?
A: Because she broke too many records.

Does anyone remember the Swatch, a watch made in Switzerland? Thank god Croatia didn't come up with the idea first. Just imagine if someone were to ask you what time is it? "Oh pardon me while I look at my crotch."

Q: What do you give a pig who wins a medal at the Olympic games?
A: A pork medallion.

Q: Why can't a bicycle stand up on its own?
A: Because it's two tired.

Q: What did the mama cow say to the baby cow?
A: "It's pasture bedtime."

Being an astronaut is funny. It's the only job where you get fired before you start work.

Q: Why cant you hear a pterodactyl pee? A: Because the "p" is silent.

My mom drinks Diet Coke despite knowing full well of the repercussions to her health. You might say she's a sodamasochist.

Q: How did the blonde fisherman die?
A: He was run over by the Zamboni.

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the bathtub! I'm dwowning!

Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide!!

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Cargo.
Cargo who?
Cargo "Beep! Beep!"

Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesús is watching you." He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesús is watching you." In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesús is watching me" The parrot replied, "Yes." Relieved, the burglar asked, "What is your name?" The parrot said, "Clarence." The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot answered, "The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesús."

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

I told my wife I was going to make a bike out of spaghetti. She couldn't believe it when I rode pasta.

Q: Why is England the wettest country?
A: Because so many kings and queens have been reigning there.

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

Why don't they play poker in the jungle?

Too many Cheetahs!

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over the policeman says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?" The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

Q: What did one streetlight say to the other?
A: "Don't look, I'm changing."

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Q: Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?
A: Because he was always spotted.

Q: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?
A: Envelope.

Q: What happens when you cross a shark with a cow?
A: I don't know but I wouldn't milk it.

Q: Why does a cow wear a bell around its neck?
A: Because its horns don't work.

Q: What's a frog's favorite drink?
A: Croak-a cola.

Q: What did one wall say to the other wall?
A: "Meet you at the corner!"

Q: What stays in one corner but travels around the world?
A: A stamp.

In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, "Only take one. God is watching." Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

A woman answered the doorbell with a man standing on her porch. The man said, "I'm terribly sorry. I just ran over your cat and I would like to replace it for you." The woman replied, "Well that's alright with me, but how are you at catching mice?"

Q: What do you get with a fist and a long piece of wire?
A: A horrible punchline.

Q: What did the beaver say to the tree?
A: "It's been nice gnawing you!"

Q: How do birds fly?
A: They just wing it!

Q. Why do anime fans listen to the radio in the morning?
A. Because they enjoy car toons!

A man walks out on his front porch one day and sees a gorilla in the tree on his front lawn. He calls animal control and about an hour later a man shows up with a ladder, a pit bull, and a shotgun. The animal control employee tells the man, "I'm here to get the gorilla out of your tree. I'm going to use this ladder to climb up the tree and shake the branch the gorilla is on to knock him to the ground. The pit bull is trained to go after anything that falls from the tree and bites their balls which calms the animal down so I can put him in the truck." The man says "Okay, I see what the ladder and the pit bull are for but what is the shotgun for?" The animal control employee says, "Oh, that's for you. In case I fall out of the tree instead of the gorilla."

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

So two Irishmen are traveling to Australia. Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: "You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They'll rob you blind. Don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle." At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, "That'll be twenty dollars, lads." "Oh no you don't! My dad warned me about you. You'll only be getting fifteen dollars from me," says one of the men. "And you'll only be getting fifteen from me too," adds the other.

What happend when the duck fell upside-down? He quacked up!

Q: Why are fish easy to weigh?
A: Because they have their own scales.

Q: How do you make antifreeze?
A: You steal her pajamas.

How is Christmas like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

What happens when you play a country song backwards? You get a new truck, a new wife, and a new dog.

Q: What is pink and fluffy?
A: Pink fluff.

Q: Why did the fish blush?
A: Because it saw the ocean's bottom.

Q: What do you call someone without a nose or a body?
A: Nobodynose.

I think I killed my best friend. He asked me what was the best thing for sunburn and I told him, "Sit in the sun for eight hours."

Old Man: "Are you the young fellow who sold me this tube yesterday and told me it was toothpaste?"
Clerk: "Yes sir."
Old Man: "Well, I tried for half an hour this morning and I couldn't get my teeth to stick in."

A man called his child's doctor, "Hello! My son just snatched my pen when I was writing and swallowed it. What should I do?" The doctor replied, "Until I can come over, write with another pen."

Q: A cowboy left Montana to go to Texas on Friday and came back on Friday. How did he do it?
A: He named his horse Friday.

For a period, Houdini used a trap door in every single show he did…I guess you could say it was a stage he was going through.

Q: What is tall when it's young and short when it's old?
A: A candle.

Q: Who is the poorest guy in the south?
A: The Tooth Fairy.

Q: Why shouldn't you give Elsa a balloon?
A: Because she'll let it go!

A bank robber pulls out gun points it at the teller, and says, "Give me all the money or you're geography!" The puzzled teller replies, "Did you mean to say 'or you're history?'" The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"

Q: Who earns a living by driving his customers away?
A: A taxi driver.

There are three friends named Mad, Brain, and Fight. One day Fight went missing and his friends Mad and Brain started searching for him. Then Brain said, "Mad, let's file a missing person report with the police." When they were about to walk into the police station, Brain said, "Mad, you go and make the report. I will wait for you here." Mad said, "Okay." Mad walked in but no police officers paid attention to him. Then he saw a policeman drinking a cup of coffee. Mad went to the officer, smacked the table, and the cup of coffee flew in the air, landing in the officer's lap. Angry, the policeman asked, "Are you looking for a fight?" Mad replied, "Yes, I am." The policeman asked, "Are you mad?" Mad replied, "Yes, I am Mad." The policeman then asked, "Don't you have a brain?" Mad replied, "Brain is outside sir."

Q: What's the difference between a jeweller and a jailer?
A: A jeweller sells watches and a jailer watches cells.

Q: Why did the archaeologist's wife divorce him?
A: Because he was carbon dating.

My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Steve, so I asked him, "What's the name of his other leg?"

Q: What do cars eat on their toast?
A: Petroleum jelly.

Brunette: "Where were you born?"
Blonde: "The United States."
Brunette: "Which part?"
Blonde: "My whole body."

My friend told me he had the body of a Greek god. I had to explain to him that Buddha is not Greek.

Q: Why do milking stools only have three legs?
A: Because the cow’s got the udder!

A man was walking down the street and saw a sign in a store window that said "Help Wanted," so the man ran in the store and yelled out, "What's wrong?!"

Q: What do cats eat for breakfast?
A: Mice Krispies.

Q. What did the pop star do when he locked himself out?
A. He sang until he found the right key!

Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

Q: How do you turn white chocolate into dark chocolate?
A: Turn off the light.

A ham sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve lunch here."

Question :Why do pirates only have 1 eye?


Answer: Because in the word pirate there is only one i

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" "Nine..."

Q: What happens once in a minute and twice in a moment but never in a decade?
A: The letter "m."

Q: Why didn’t the melons get married?
A: Because they cantaloupe.

Boy: what's the difference between a tuna, a piano, and a pot of glue?
Girl: I don't know
Boy: you can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna
Girl: what about the pot of glue?
Boy: I knew you'd get stuck there!

Customer: "Waiter, waiter! What is this fly doing in my soup?"
Waiter: "The backstroke, I think."

Q: Why did Cinderella fail at basketball?
A: Because she had a pumpkin for a coach.

A child goes to his father and asks, "Father, how do parents think of names for their children?" The father answers, "Well, son, the night before the mother gives birth, the father goes into the woods and camps for the night. When he wakes the following morning, the first thing he sees is what he names his child, which is why your sister is named Soaring Eagle. Why do you ask, Bear Poop?"

A mom and a son come home from the grocery store. The boy immediately empties out a box of animal crackers and the mom asks him why. The boy says, "You should not eat it if the seal is broken, so I'm looking for the seal."

Two judges were stumbling home from their local pub, arms around each other, loudly singing Kenny Rodgers. "Hey," said one, "I think we're drunk." "You are right, and according to the law I will have to charge you with being drunk and disorderly," said his mate. "And you will have to appear before me at 10AM tomorrow," said the first. Next morning in court, the first pleaded guilty to the charge and was fined $10. They then switched places. "Drunk and disorderly, eh? You are fined $20." "Hey," protested the first, "When I was in was in chair I only fined you $10!" "Yes," said the second judge, "But the offence is becoming too common. You are the second drunk to appear before the court this morning."

If the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then lefties are the only ones in their right mind.

Q: How do you make the number seven even?

A: Drop the "s."

Teacher: "What is the chemical formula for water?"
Student: "HIJKLMNO."
Teacher: "What are you talking about?"
Student: "Yesterday you said it's H to O!"

A magician was driving down the road... then he turned into a driveway.

There were 3 men in the desert. They all wanted something to cool them down. One brought a pail of water. The second brought an umbrella. The third took out a car door. The other two said,"Why do you have a car door?" The person said, "So we could roll the windows down when we get hot!"

Q: Why was six scared of seven?
A: Because seven "ate" nine.

Q: What does Miley Cyrus eat for Christmas dinner?
A: Roast twerky!

Q: What do you get if you cross a horse with a bee?
A: Neigh buzz

Jim, Scott and Alex are tired after traveling all day and check into a hotel. When they get to reception, they find out they'll have to walk 75 flights of stairs to get to their room because the elevator is out of order. Jim suggests that they do something interesting to pass time while they walk the 75 flights. Jim will tell jokes, Scott will sing songs, and Alex will tell sad stories. So Jim tells jokes for 25 flights, Scott sings songs for 25 flights and Alex tells sad stories for 24 flights. When they reach the 75th floor, Alex tells his saddest story of all, "Guys, I left our room key at reception."

Q: What says "Eoo?"
A: A cow with no lips.

Q: What has four wheels and flies?
A: A garbage truck.

A Spanish captain was walking on his ship when a soldier rushes to him and exclaims, "An enemy ship is approaching us!" The captain replies calmly, "Go get my red shirt." The soldier gets the shirt for the captain. The enemy ship comes in and heavy rounds of fire are exchanged. Finally, the Spaniards win. The soldier asks, "Congrats sir, but why the red shirt?" The captain replies, "If I got injured, my blood shouldn't be seen, as I didn't want my men to lose hope." Just then, another soldier runs up and says, "Sir, we just spotted another twenty enemy ships!" The captain calmly replies, "Go bring my yellow pants."

A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

Q: Why does a milking stool only have 3 legs?
A: Because the cow has the utter.

What's Harry Potter's way to get to the bottom of a hill? Running...JK! Rolling.

There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. "Write it down," she told him, and again he said, "No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream." Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. "Write it down," she told her husband and again he said, "No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top." So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon. The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, "Where's the toast?"

Q: Why did the scarecrow get a promotion?

A: Cause he was outstanding in his field.

Q: Why couldn't the kid see the pirate movie?
A: Because it was rated Rrrrr.

Q: What do cars eat on their toast?
A: Traffic jam.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Soup.
Soup who?
Superman!

Q: How do you get a baby alien to sleep?
A: You rocket.

Ben: "Dad, there is a hole in my shoe."
Dad: "Yes, Ben, that's where you put your foot."

Don't break anybody's heart; they only have 1. Break their bones; they have 206.

Q: What nails do carpenters hate to hit?
A: Fingernails.

Conjunctivitis.com: a site for sore eyes.

Q: What did one eye say to the other eye?
A: Between you and me, there's something that smells.

I have a phobia of over engineered buildings. I have a complex complex complex.

Q: How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
A: Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

Man: "Hey baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not enter."

Have you heard the story of the magic sandwich? Never mind, it's just a bunch of bologna.

Q: Which pet makes the most noise?
A: A trumpet.

Q: Why do centipedes have 100 legs?
A: So they can walk.

Q: Why is Peter Pan always flying?
A: Because he neverlands.

Fred: "Why do elephants wear red nail polish?"
Bob: "I don't know, why?"
Fred: "To hide in cherry trees."
Bob: "But I've never seen an elephant in a cherry tree."
Fred: "See, it works."

Q: Why is Snow White such a good judge?
A: Because she is the fairest of them all.

Q: What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a 1,000 letters?
A: Post office.

Q: What did the lawyer name his daughter?
A: Sue.

Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A: "A miner be flat" (A minor B-flat).

Q: What did one ocean say to another ocean?
A: Nothing. It just waved.

Q: Did you hear about oxygen's second date with potassium?
A: It was OK2!

Q: Why does the queen carry a scepter?
A: Because everyone works 'cept her.

What does an air conditioner have in common with a computer? They both lose efficiency as soon as you open windows.

Q: Why did the school kids eat their homework?
A: Because their teacher told them it was a piece of cake.

A drunk walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck. The bartender says, "You can stay but don't try to start anything."

Q: What is the difference between a teacher and a train?
A: One says, "Spit out your gum," and the other says, "Choo choo choo!"

Q: What do you do with epileptic lettuce?
A: You make a seizure salad.

20 years I've been eating outta cereal boxes, and you gotta give it to em'. They stayed firm and refused to move with the times. I mean they know the resealable ziplock bag exists, but they've never backed down. No matter how many times the fold-in top rips or the plastic bag tears on the wrong edge, they say "No innovation, we say no!"

Q: What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
A: You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish.

Q. What's a shark's favorite sandwich?
A. Peanut butter and jellyfish!

Q: Why couldn't Dracula’s wife get to sleep?
A: Because of his coffin.

An Amish husband, wife and son travel to the city on vacation. They visit a shopping mall and while the mother is shopping, the father and son are standing in awe in front of an elevator (having no idea what it is). As they watch, an elderly lady walks into the strange silver doors and the doors close. The father and son watch as the numbers go up, and then back down. When the doors open, a beautiful young woman walks out. The father leans over and whispers to the son, "Son, go get your mother!"

A disciple went to his master and said, "I have served you faithfully for ten years. Now I have a wish: give me something to eat which will never end." His master said, "Here, have some chewing gum."

Son: "Dad, there is someone at the door to collect donations for a community swimming pool."
Father: "Okay, give him a glass of water."

Q: Why did Captain Kirk go in to the ladies room?
A: Because he wanted to go where no man had gone before.

Two old friends crossed paths after not seeing one another for almost a decade.
Utkarsh: "What are you doing these days?"
Sparsh: "PHD."
Utkarsh: "Wow! You're a doctor!"
Sparsh: "No, Pizza Home Delivery."

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they would be called bagles

Q: Why is a river rich?
A: It has banks on both sides.

Q: If you were forced to go through one of the following doors, which door do you go through with 100 % certainty you'd stay alive: a door with a man with a gun behind it, a door with a tiger who hasn't eaten in 7 years behind it, or a door with an electrical chair behind it?
A: The one with the tiger behind it, because if it hasn't eaten in 7 years it's dead.

Q. Why did the apple run away?
A. Because the banana split!

Q: If an electric train is traveling north-by-northeast at 59 MPH, and the wind is blowing west at 18 MPH, which way is the smoke blowing? A: There is no smoke; it's an electric train.

Q: What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant?
A: Swimming trunks.

A woman is at a grocery store. She goes to the clerk to purchase her groceries. The clerk looks at her items and sees a carton of eggs, a gallon of milk, and a head of lettuce. He says to the woman, "You must be single." The woman was surprised & replies, "Yes, how did you know?" The clerk answers, "Because you're ugly."

Q: What is a tree's favorite drink?
A: Root beer.

Q: Why did King Kong climb the Empire State Building?
A: He couldn't fit in the elevator

Q: What did one toilet say to the other toilet?
A: You look a bit flushed.

Patient: "I get a terrible pain in my eye when I drink a cup of coffee."
Doctor: "Try taking the spoon out."

Q: Can a match box?
A: No, but a tin can.

Q: What do you call a girl who's just come back from the beach?
A: Sandy.

How many snowboarders does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 50: 3 to die trying, 1 to actually pull it off, and 46 other to say, "man, I could do that!"

Q: why did the skeleton refuse to got to the prom
A: because he had noBODY to dance with

Q: What has a face and two hands but no arms, legs, or a body?
A: A clock.

Q: Which two letters in the alphabet are always jealous?
A: NV.

At the doctor's office, Tom was getting a check up. "I have good news and bad news," says the doctor. "The good news is you have 24 hours left to live." Tom replies, "That's the good news?!" Then the doctor says, "The bad news is I should have told you that yesterday."

A man is walking along a beach and finds a bottle. When he rubs the bottle, a genie appears and says, "I can grant you one wish." "Well," says the man, "I have never been too fond of flying, so could you make a highway from California to Hawaii?" The genie says, "Do you know how much of my power that would take?" The man says, "Okay, I have never really gotten girls, so could you make that happen?" The genie says, "You want that highway two lane or four lane?"

A lot of people cry when they cut an onion. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

THREE TREES AND A WOODPECKER
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch, It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into."

Now wipe that smile off your face.

Q: Why is the barn so noisy?
A: Because the cows have horns.

Q: Did your hear about the man with a broken left arm and broken left leg?
A: Don't worry he's "ALRIGHT" now!

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
I eat mop
I eat mop who?
Hah! You said, "I eat ma poo!"

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Abby.
Abby who?
Abby birthday!

Q: Why did the ink pots cry?
A: Their mother was in the pen doing a long sentence.

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Boo

Boo Who?

Do not cry it is only a joke

A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. “You mean a martini?” the bartender asks. The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!” Another Roman walks up to the bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please.”

Q: Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? A: To get to the bottom.

A man walks into a bar and sits down. He asks the bartender, "Can I have a cigarette?" The bartender replies, "Sure, the cigarette machine is over there." So he walks over to the machine and as he is about to order a cigarette, the machine suddenly says, "Oi, you bloody idiot." The man says with surprise in his voice, "That's not very nice." He returns to his bar stool without a cigarette and asks the bartender for some peanuts. The bartender passes the man a bowl of peanuts and the man hears one of the peanuts speak, "Ooh, I like your hair." The man says to the bartender, "Hey, what's going on here? Your cigarette machine is insulting me and this peanut is coming on to me. Why's this?" The bartender replies, "Oh, that's because the machine is out of order and the peanuts are complementary."

Q: What kind of shoes do ninjas wear?
A: Sneakers.

What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.

Q : Why do museums have old dinosaur bones ?
A : Because they can't afford new ones

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for a half hour. Then a big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, & just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry." "No, it's not that," the man replies, wiping his tears, "This day is the worst of my life. First, I oversleep & I go in late to my office. My outraged boss fires me. When I leave the building to go to my car, I find out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to go home, & when I get out, I remember I left my wallet. The cab driver just drives away. I go inside my house where I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave my home, come to this bar, & just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up & drink my poison."

Santa, standing on a railway platform, suddenly runs and stands on the tracks.
Banta: "Santa, move out of the way! The train is arriving!"
Santa: "Haven't you heard the announcement that the train is arriving on the platform?"

Q: Why did the one armed man cross the road?
A: To get to the second hand shop.

Q: Can February march?
A: No, but April may.

A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He goes over to the first priest and says, "Dude, I'm Jesus Christ!" And the priest says, "No son, you're not." So the drunk goes over to the second priest and says, "Man, I'm Jesus Christ!" Then the priest says, "No son, you're not." Finally, the drunk had enough and said, "Here, I'll prove it." He walks back into the bar with both priests and the bartender looks up and sees the drunk and says, "Jesus Christ, you're back AGAIN?"

Teacher: "Which book has helped you the most in your life?"
Student: "My father's check book!"

Q: What do computers eat for a snack?
A: Microchips!

Q: Why did the painting go to jail?
A: It was framed.

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in pal. You're obviously drunk." The wasted man asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" "Yeah buddy, I'm sure," said the cop, "Let's go." Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness. I thought I was crippled."

Q: Why did the ants dance on the jam jar?
A: The lid said, "Twist to open."

Q: What did the ocean say to the beach?
A: Nothing it just waved

If you ever get cold, just stand in the corner of a room for a while. They're normally around 90 degrees.

Q: What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
A: A thesaurus.

"Johnny, why did you kick your brother in the stomach?" exclaimed the angry mother. “It was pure accident, Mama. He turned around.”

I was wondering why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger, and then it hit me.

Q: Wanna hear a joke about construction?
A: Never mind, I'm still working on it.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Army.
Army who?
Army and you still friends?

Q: If April showers bring may flowers, what do mayflowers bring?
A: Pilgrims!

Q: What's a race car's favorite thing to eat for lunch?
A: Fast food!

Q: Why did the fish cross the sea?
A: To get to the other tide

A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke, but he was alright because it was a soft drink.

A man dining at a restaurant flagged down his waiter and said, "Excuse me. I have a bee in my soup." The waiter replied, "Yes sir. Didn't you order the alphabet soup?"

Q: What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
A: "You're too young to smoke."

A man was driving and saw a truck stalled on the side of the highway that had ten penguins standing next to it. The man pulled over and asked the truck driver if he needed any help. The truck driver replied, "If you can take these penguins to the zoo while I wait for AAA that will be great!" The man agreed and the penguins hopped into the back of his car. Two hours later, the trucker was back on the road again and decided to check on the penguins. He showed up at the zoo and they weren't there! He headed back into his truck and started driving around the town, looking for any sign of the penguins, the man, or his car. While driving past a movie theater, the truck driver spotted the guy walking out with the ten penguins. The truck driver yelled, "What are you doing? You were supposed to take them to the zoo!" The man replied, "I did and then I had some extra money so I took them to go see a movie."

Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?

A: Because chickens weren't around yet.

Mahatma Gandhi often walked barefoot which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, making him rather frail and with his odd diet he often suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.

Son: "Dad, when will I be old enough so I don't have to ask mom for her permission to go out?"
Dad: "Son, even I haven't grown old enough to go out without her permission!"

I bought shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

Q: Why do pirates like algebra?
A: "Annex" marks the spot.

An old woman is upset at her husband’s funeral. "You have him in a brown suit and I wanted him in a blue suit." The mortician says, "We’ll take care of it, ma’am," and yells to the back, "Ed, switch the heads on two and four!"

Q: What has more lives than a cat?
A: A frog because it croaks every night.

Tom was at the hospital visiting with his best friend Larry who was dying. Tom asked, "If there is baseball in heaven will you come back and tell me?" Larry nodded yes just as he passed away. That night while Tom was sleeping, he heard Larry's voice in a dream, "Tom..." "Larry! What is it?!" asked Tom. "I have good news and bad news from heaven." "What's the good news?" "There is baseball in heaven after all, but the bad news is you're pitching on Tuesday."

Q: Where did the general keep his armies?
A: Up his sleevies.

Q: Why did the can crusher quit his job?
A: Because it was soda pressing.

Q: What do you call a duck that steals?
A: A Robber Duck.

Q: Why did the skeleton cross the road?
A: To get to the body shop.

Q. what do you call a bear with no teeth
A. A gummy bear

If a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

Q: How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: one to change it and another one to change it back again.

Q: Did you hear about the guy who drank 8 Cokes?
A: He burped 7Up.

Q: Why are ghosts such good cheerleaders?
A: Because they have a lot of spirit!

A teacher was testing her students' knowledge of words' antonyms. She asked, "What is the opposite go?" A student answered, "Stop." "Very good," the teacher replied. "What is the opposite of adamant?" Another student said, "Eveant."

Q: What type of book has only characters and no story?
A: A telephone book.

Three dead men go to hell at the same time. There is a white man, a Chinese man, and a Mexican man. Satan tells them that they can only leave hell if he can't do what they ask. The white man asks for the fastest sports car in the world; he goes to into hell. The Chinese man asks for the most advanced computer in the world; he goes into to hell. The Mexican man gets a glass soda bottle, farts into it, closes the lid, pokes many holes in the lid, and asks Satan which hole the fart came from. After pointing to every hole on the lid, the Mexican turns around, points at his butt hole, and says, "Nope, this one."

A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."

Patient: "Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains."

Doctor: "Pull yourself together then."

Q: What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind as it hits your windshield?
A: Its butt.

"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"Nobel."
"Nobel who?"
"No bell that's why I knocked."

A young boy is pulling his wagon up a hill when one of the back wheels falls off and rolls down the hill. The young boy says, "I'll be darned." A local pastor heard him and said, "You should not say that. Next time your wheel falls off say, 'Praise the Lord.'" So the next day the young boy is pulling his wagon up the hill and the wheel falls off and rolls down the hill. The young boy says, "Praise the Lord." The wheel stops rolling, turns around, rolls back up the hill and puts itself back on the wagon. The young boy being very surprised by this exclaims, "I'll be darned!"

Q: Why is a swordfish's nose 11 inches long?
A: Because if it were 12 inches long, it would be a foot!

Q: What type of sandals do frogs wear?
A: Open-toad!

Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, "What are you doing?" "Playing a game," the boy replied. "What is your name?" the officer questioned. "Mind Your Own Business." Furious the policeman inquired, "Are you looking for trouble?!" The boy replied, "Why, yes."

During an impassioned sermon about death and final judgement, the pastor said forcefully, "Each member of this church is going to die and face judgement." Glancing down at the front pew, he noticed a man with a big smile on his face. The minister repeated his point louder. "Each member of this church is going to die and face judgement!" The man nodded and smiled even more. This really got the preacher wound up. He pounded the pulpit emphatically when he came to the ultimatum: "Each member of this church is going to die and face judgement!!!" Though everyone else in the congregation was looking somber, the man in front continued to smile. Finally the preacher stepped off the platform, stood in front of the man and shouted, "I said each member of this church is going to die!" The man grinned from ear to ear. After the service was over, the preacher made a beeline for the man. "I don't get it," the preacher said in frustration. "Whenever I said, 'Each member of this church is going to die,' your smile got bigger. Why?" "I'm not a member of this church," the man replied.

What goes up and down stairs with out moving? Carpet.

There was a plane and it had 5 people in it: a president, a lawyer, a young teenage boy, a priest and a blonde girl. The plane driver said that the plane was going to crash so one of them has to jump off without a parachute because there was only 4 so they were talking to each other about who was going to jump off without a parachute. The president spoke first and he said " I run a part of this earth so I should get a parachute" so he jumped off with one. Then the blonde girl spoke and she said " I look beautiful so I should get one too" so she jumped off with one. The next person to speak was the lawyer and he said " I help people solve their problems so I should get one" so he jumped off with one. Now there was only two people left: a priest and the teenage boy. The priest said to the boy " here you take the last parachute and go because you will live a longer life then me" but then the boy said "no, it's all right because there is still 2 parachutes left. The blonde girl only took my backpack".

Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!" "I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."

Q: How do you make a witch itch?
A: Take away her "w".

A woman walks into a cafe with a stomach ache.After a while she realizes she needs to relieve herself, knowing her farts are loud, she decides to fart simultaneously with the cafe music. Every time the music gets really loud she let out a long fart. She saw that everyone in the cafe was staring at her and later realized that she was wearing headsets the whole time...

The Lone Ranger woke to see his tent blown away by a tornado. He declared, "Tonto, we’re not in canvas anymore."

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Hatch.
Hatch who?
Bless you.

The student asked René DesCartes, "Professor, you say 'I think therefore I am.' But how do I know it is I who is thinking?"
"Who wants to know?" answered the old philosopher.

Q: Why did they have to bury George Washington standing up?
A: Because he could never lie.

I’m looking for a bank which can perform two things;
Give me a Loan and then leave me Alone.

A redneck's last words are always, "Hey y'all, watch this!"

Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A: A fsh.

Q: Where do bees go to the toilet?
A: The BP station.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

Q: Why do pirates not know the alphabet?
A: They always get stuck at "c."

Q: If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have?
A: Big hands.

Q: What do you call a lawyer who has gone bad?
A: Senator.

Man- What would you do if I won the lottery?
Woman- Take half and leave!
Man- Well, I won 20 bucks, here's 10, now get out!

Q: What did the banana say to the doctor?
A: "I'm not peeling well."

Q: Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil?
A: Because it’s pointless!

Q: What city are you in when you drop your waffle on the beach?
A: Sandy Eggo.

Q: What do you say to a lollipop when you throw it away?
A: "So long sucker!"

Teacher: "Why does a stone sink in water when you thrown it in?"
Student: "Because it does not know how to swim."

Two guys are walking through a game park & they come across a lion that has not eaten for days. The lion starts chasing the two men. They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, "Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord." He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion. As he comes closer to the lion, he hears the it saying a prayer: "Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive."

Q: What is white when it's dirty and black when it's clean?
A: A chalkboard.

Q. What can you give and keep at the same time?
A. A cold!

A man is filling up his car tank with gasoline and accidentally gets some on his hand. He doesn't notice it, so when he gets into his car he lights a cigarette. His arm instantly catches on fire. The man sticks his arm out the window and begins to wave it around attempting to blow out the flames crawling up his sleeve. A policeman sees the man struggling with his arm on fire and arrests him on the spot for an unlicensed firearm.

Q: Did you hear about the guy who dreamed he was eating a giant marshmallow?
A: When he woke up, his pillow was gone.

Q: What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
A: A waist of time.

Q: Why did Cinderella get kicked off the soccer team?
A: Because she ran away from the ball.

Q: Why are hairdressers never late for work?
A: Because they know all the short cuts!

Q. Why are mountains not just funny?
A. They are also hill areas.

There's a blond and a brunette in a car. The brunette is driving while the blonde is in the passenger seat. They're going down a steep hill when the brunette realizes that the brakes don't work. The brunette tells the blonde that the brakes don't work and they will drive off the side of the cliff because they failed to stop. The blonde then replies, "Don't worry! There's a stop sign ahead."

Q: Why is a baseball game a good place to go on a hot day?
A: Because there are lots of fans.

Q. What do you do if attacked by a clan of clowns?

A. Go for the juggler.

Two little boys were known troublemakers, stealing everything they could get their hands, even from the church. One day a priest stopped one of the boys and asked, "Where is God?" The boy shrugged and the priest repeated, "Where is God?" The boy ran out of the cathedral crying to his home where he hid in a closet. Eventually his brother found him and asked, "What's wrong?" The crying boy replied, "We're in trouble now! God is missing and they think we took him!"

Q: What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops?
A: Guardians of the Galaxy.

Q: Why did the razor cross the face?
A: To get to the other sideburn.

Q: What is green and fuzzy and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?
A: A pool table.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.”

Q: What do you do with a sick boat?
A: Take it to the doc.

Q: How do you catch a squirrel? A: Climb a tree and act like a nut.

Q. What is the color of the wind?
A. Blew.

Q: What do you call a man that has no shins? A: Tony.

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in. “So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog. “I've led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.” The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?” The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”

Q: What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
A: "Put it on my bill."

The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

Q: How do you get 500 old cows in a barn?
A: Put up a Bingo sign.

Q: How do you create light by using water?
A: Clean the windows!

Bob: "Have you seen the movie Constipation?"
Jim: "No, it hasn't come out yet."

Q: Why did the dyslexic agnostic with insomnia stay up all night? A: She was wondering if there really is a dog.

Three old friends got together and were discussing what movie they had watched when they conceived their children. One lady says she had just watched a movie called The Search for One-eye Jimmy and nine months later she gave birth to her baby. Another lady says, "Oh, I saw the movie Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs and then nine months later I had septuplets." The last lady gasps and exclaims, "Oh no, I just watched 101 Dalmations!"

Q: What did the astronaut say when he wanted to be alone? A: "Give me some space!"

Q: When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, what happens?
A: UCLA.

Q: If a plane crashed on the Canada/USA border, where would the survivors be buried?
A: You don't bury survivors.

Nurse: "The invisible man is here for his appointment."
Doctor: "Tell him I'm sorry I can't see him right now."

Q: What did the old chimney say to the young chimney?

A: You're too young to smoke

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Joanna.
Joanna who?
Joanna build a snowman?

Bob: "Holy crap, I just fell off a 50 ft ladder."
Jim: "Oh my God, are you okay?"
Bob: "Yeah it's a good thing I fell off the first step."

A mom texts, "Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?" He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later." The mom texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too."

Two guys are driving down 5th Avenue in Manhattan when they come up to a red light. The guy driving slams the gas pedal and they go zooming past the red light. His friend looks at him and says, "Hey, you just went through a red light." The guy driving says, "Don't worry about it. My brother does it all the time." So they keep driving and they come to a second red light. The guy driving slams on the gas pedal and zooms past another red light. His friend is pretty mad, looks at him and says, "Hey man, you just went through another red light. What the heck are you doing?" The guy driving tells his friend, "Don't worry about it. My brother does this all the time." They come to a third red light and the guy driving slams on the gas, zooming past the red light. His friend starts screaming at him, "What the heck? You're going to get us killed! Pull over and let me out." The guy driving screams back at him, "I'm telling you: don't worry about it. My brother, he does it all the time." So they keep driving and they come to a green light. The guy driving slams on the brakes. His friend looks at him and says, "Are you out of your mind? What the heck is wrong with you? You go flying past three red lights, almost getting us killed, and then you slam on the brakes when you have a green light?" The guy driving looks at his friend and says, "I had to stop; my brother might have been coming."

Q. What do clouds do when they become rich?

A. They make it rain!

Q: How do you make a tissue dance?
A: Put a little boogie in it.

''Doctor, my nose is 11 inches long!"
''Come back when it grows into a foot!"

A man was in a restaurant one day and then he suddenly realized he had to pass gas! And the music was really loud in the restaurant so he let it out! But, then he realized he was listening to his iPod music

Q: Where do you learn how to make ice cream?
A: Sundae School

If number two pencils are so popular why are they still number two?

Q: What did Cinderella say when her photos did not show up? A: "Someday my prints will come."

Q: What did the buffalo say to her child as he left for school?
A: "Bison!" (bye son)

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

Q: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
A: It's okay. He woke up.

Q: How do you fix a broken tuba?
A: With a tuba glue.

Dad: Son, I want you to marry a girl of my choice.
Son: No.
Dad: The girl is Bill Gate's daughter.
Son: Okay then!
Dad goes to Bill Gate.
Dad: I want your daughter to marry my son.
Bill Gates: No.
Dad: My son is the CEO of the world's greatest bank.
Bill Gates: Okay then!
Dad goes to the CEO of the world's greatest bank.
Dad: Make my son the CEO.
CEO: No.
Dad: My son is the son-in-law of Bill Gates.
CEO: Okay then!
This is BUSINESS.

How do you fix a cabbage? With a cabbage patch.

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground. When the man's turn came, he laughed and said, "I wish they were all ugly again."

Q: What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
A: Decalfeinated.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Chicken.
Chicken who?
Chicken your pockets. I think the keys are in there.

Q: What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
A: "Breathe, stupid!"

Q: What is tall when it is young and short when it is old?
A: A candle.

Q: What can only be used after it is broken?
A: An egg.

Q: What is a question with a different answer every time you're asked? A: "What time is it?"

Q: What did the math book say to its therapist? A: I've got a lot of problems.

An uneducated father with his educated son went for a camping
they set up a tent and slept
father gets up after sometime and asks his son"what can you see in the sky?"
son:i can see many stars
father:what does it resemble?
son:there are many planets
father beats on his sons head and says "Someone has stolen our tent"

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

A young boy came home from school and told his mother, "I had a big fight with my classmate. He called me a sissy." The mother asked, "What did you do?" The boy replied, "I hit him with my purse!"

Q: Why couldn't the blonde add 10 + 5 on a calculator?
A: She couldn't find the "10" button.

Q: What do you call a Time Lord's poop?
A: A Turdis.

Q: What do you call a wandering caveman?
A: A meanderthal.

Q: What did the zombie girl say to the zombie boy?
A: "Are you going to kiss me or rot?"

Q: Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex?
A: Because they were watch dogs.

Q: What was Ludwig van Beethoven's favorite fruit?
A: Ba-na-na-na!

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Yodelay hee.
Yodelay hee who?
I like your yodeling!

Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"
Nobody stands up
Teacher: "I'm sure there are some stupid students over here!!"
Little Johnny stands up
Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"
Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..."

Q: Wanna hear a joke about a stone?
A: Never mind, I will just skip that one.

Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?"
Student: "A drinking problem."

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

They say you can never judge a book by its cover. But it’s the only way to
judge a tribute band.

Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!

During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable! Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, "Happy Birthday!"

Q: What do cheap hotels and designer jeans have in common?

A: No ballroom.

Q: What did the cross-eyed teacher say?
A: I can't control my pupils!

Lady: "Is this my train?"
Station Master: "No, it belongs to the railway company."
Lady: "Don’t try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New York."
Station Master: "No Madam, I’m afraid it’s too heavy."

Q: What's red and bad for your teeth?
A: A brick.

If Mary had Jesus, and Jesus is the lamb of God, does that mean Mary had a little lamb?

Bob goes to see his friend Pete. He finds Pete in his barn dancing naked around his John Deere. "What are you doing!" asks Bob. Pete stops dancing & says, "My wife has been ignoring me lately so I talked to my psychiatrist and he said I needed to do some thing sexy to a tractor." [to attract her]

Coach: "Why are you late for the game?"
Caterpillar: "I had to put my shoes on."

Hey girl, come feel my sweater. Wanna know what its made of? Boyfriend material.


(Troll Face)

Q: Why do museums have old dinosaur bones?
A: Because they cant afford new ones.

Why do hummingbirds hum? Because they don't know the words.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory today. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Q: Why did the witches' team lose the baseball game?
A: Their bats flew away.

A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

Q: Why can't you trust an atom?
A: Because they make up everything.

Q: How did the frog die?
A: He Kermit suicide.

Q: What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? A: I lava you.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Marry.
Marry who?
Marry me, please!

Q: Why didn't the witch fly on her broom when she was angry?
A: She was afraid she would fly off the handle.

Q: What does a cat like to eat with birthday cake? A: Mice cream!

One day a duck walks in a store and ask the manager if they sell grapes. The manager says, "No, we don't sell grapes." The duck goes home and comes back the next day and asks the same question. The manager says the same thing again, "No, we do not sell grapes." The duck goes home, comes back the next day, and asks the manager if they sell grapes. This time the manager says, "No, we don't sell grapes! If you ask one more time, I will nail your beak to the floor!" The duck goes home. It comes back the next day and asks the manager if he has any nails. The manager says, "No, I don't have any nails." The duck says, "Okay, good. Do you sell grapes?"

Q: Why is the letter B very cool?
A: Because it's sitting in the AC.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Daisy.
Daisy who?
Daisy me rollin', they hatin'.

Q: Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn?
A: Because Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

Q: Where do eggplants come from?
A: Chicken plants.

A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence. "My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."

Q: Why did the man take toilet paper to the party?
A: Because he was a party pooper.

Late one night, a preacher was driving on a country road and had a wreck. A farmer stopped and said, "Sir, are you okay?" The preacher said, "Yes, I had the Lord riding with me." The farmer said, "Well, you better let him ride with me, because you're gonna kill him."

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. The man eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go." The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse approaches the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You're the father of twins.” “That's odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!” A nurse then yells the second man, “Congratulations! You're the father of triplets!” “That's weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!” A nurse goes up to the third man saying, “Congratulations! You're the father of quadruplets." “That's strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!” The last man begins groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What's wrong?” the others ask. “I work for 7 Up!”

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house?" and George said, "No," and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Q: Which months have 29 days in them?
A: All of them.

Q: Why didn't the sailors play cards?
A: Because the captain was on the deck.

A little girl and her older brother were visiting their grandfather's farm. The older brother decided to play a trick on his younger sister. He told her that he discovered a man-eating chicken. The girl was frightened, and ran inside in fear. Then the older brother heard his little sister scream. He ran inside immediately. She was screaming at their grandfather, who was chowing down on a plate of fried chicken. "What is it?" he asked. The sister turned to him in fear and said," It- it's- IT'S A MAN EATING CHICKEN!!!"

Q: What is the tallest building in the entire world?
A: The library, because it has so many stories.

Did you know there is a species of antelope capable of jumping higher then the average house due to its powerful hind legs and the fact that the average house can't jump?

A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot. The genius says, "Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don't know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can't answer yours I will give you $5,000." The idiot says, "Okay." The genius then asks, "How many continents are there in the world?" The idiot doesn't know and hands over the $5. The idiot says, "Now me ask: what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?" The genius tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over the $5000. The genius says, "Dang it, I lost. By the way, what was the answer to your question?" The idiot hands over $5.

A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses five feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses five feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!”

Why is it that your nose runs, but your feet smell?

An old man is met by his attorney, and is told he is going to be audited. He rides to the IRS office with his attorney, and when he gets there, he begins to talk with the IRS agent. "I bet $2,000 I can bite my own eye!" The IRS agent agrees to the bet, believing it an impossible task. The old man laughs, pulls out his glass eye, and bites it. The IRS agent is dumbfounded. The old man bets $3,000 he can bite his other eye. The IRS agent knows there's no way possible to do this, so he once more agrees. The old man cackles, pulls out his dentures, and bites his eye. Then the old man finally wagers, "I bet $20,000 I can stand on the far side of your desk, pee over the desk, and get it into your wastebasket, without missing a single drop." The agent knows he won't be able to, so once more he agrees. The old man indeed misses, peeing all over the desk, and on the paperwork. The IRS agent jumps for joy, but then notices the attorney over in the corner moaning. "Are you all right?" asks the agent. "No! On the way over here, he bet me $400,000 he could pee on your desk and you'd be happy about it!"

Q: How can you get four suits for a dollar?
A: Buy a deck of cards.

Q: What is the king of all inches?
A: The ruler.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Phil.
Phil who?
Phil up the tire. It needs more air.

Q: Why is a river rich? A: Because it has two banks.

Every time I lose weight, I find it again in the refrigerator.

Q: What did the magnet say to the other magnet?
A: I find you very attractive!

Q: Why are vampires so easy to fool?
A: Because they are suckers.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in. It's cold outside.

Simba was moving too slowly, so I told him to Mufasa!

Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize.

Q: What did the verb say when the words have, has, and had were removed from the English language?
A: "Nobody's perfect!"

A prisoner was freed from prison and yelled: I'm free, I'm free at last!" and a kid replied "So what? I'm four"

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ach.
Ach who?
Bless you! Need a tissue?

Q: What do you call a pig that does karate?
A: A pork chop.

I'm thinking of becoming a hitman... I heard they make a killing.

Q: What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
A: "Odor in the court!"

Q: Why do seagles fly over the sea?
A: Because if they flew over the bay they'd be bagles!

Q: How did the ghost go on vacation?
A: By scareplane!

Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It is vey time consuming.

One day, 3 men died and went to heaven. "Religion?" God's secretary asked the first man.
"Jewish," the man replied.
"Okay, go to room 23, but be very quiet when you go past room 8," the secretary said.
"Religion?" he asked the second man.
"Muslim."
"Go to room 10, but be very quiet when you go past room 8."
"Religion?" he asked the third man.
"Agnostic."
"Go to room 71, but be very quiet when you go past room 8."
"Why must I be quiet when I go past room 8?" the man asked.
The secretary replied, "Oh, the Catholics are in room 8, and they think that they are they only ones here."

Q: Why did the cookie cry?
A: Because his mother was a wafer so long!

Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."
Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ."
Kid 1: "As if."
Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."
Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."
Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."

Q: What does a clam do on its birthday? A: Shellabrate!

Place:mental hospital
Doctor:what is wrong with you?
Patient:I wrote a 500 page book
Doctor:what did you write about?
Patient:I wrote a king started going to the jungle with his horse and in the last page he arrived at the jungle
Doctor:what did you write in the other 498 page
Patient:tigdik tigdik tigdik
Tigdik tigdik and so on the other 493 pages
Doctor:you idiot.who will read it
Patient:I will put it on watazapp and some idiot will read it

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?" She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Don't cry. It's only a joke.

Question: What did one toilet roll say to the other toilet roll?
Answer: "People keep on ripping me off!"

Teacher: "Where was the Constitution of India signed?"
Student: "At the bottom of the page!"

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"

Q: Why did Adele cross the road?
A: To sing, "Hello from the other side!"

Q: How do trees access the internet?
A: They log in.

Wise man say, "Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger."

The energizer bunny was arrested on a charge of battery.

A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down the road when he passed a policeman who said, "Now, now young lad, I think you had better take that monkey the zoo." The next day, the boy was walking down the road with the monkey on his shoulder again, when he passed the same policeman. The policeman said, "Hey there, I thought I told you to take that money to the zoo!" The boy answered, "I did! Today I'm taking him to the cinema."

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

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ABOUT

What are Clean jokes about? Clean is if great topic to laugh at. Some of the funniest jokes ever are about clean.

Are Clean jokes funny? For sure! There is no such thing as boring clean joke here. All jokes are funny in their own way. You can also view clean jokes images on Pinterest or watch videos with clean jokes on YouTube.

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You've read some of the best clean jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 408 jokes about clean. Most of the jokes are suitable for kids, children or teens boys and girls. You must supervise your chidlren not to read jokes for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty clean jokes to your kids.

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