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Claus Jokes

135 claus jokes and hilarious claus puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about claus that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Looking for a good laugh? Check out this collection of Santa Claus jokes guaranteed to bring holiday cheer! From puns about Noël to zingy one-liners about Banta, these jokes are sure to make your holiday season merrier!

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Funniest Claus Short Jokes

Short claus jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The claus humour may include short noel jokes also.

  1. What's the difference between a cheetah and a comma? A cheetah has claws at the end of its paws, and a comma is a pause at the end of a clause
  2. Why shouldn't you enter into a contract with Wolverine? Because of his retractable clause.
  3. Why doesn't Santa Claus have any children? Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, its down the chimney.
  4. What's the first thing Mrs Clause did when Santa got home on Christmas morning ? Emptied his sack.
  5. What is the difference between a cat and a complex sentence? A cat has claws at the end of its paws. A complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
  6. 4 stages of life.... 1) You believe in Santa.
    2) You don't believe in Santa.
    3) You are Santa.
    4) You look like Santa.
  7. Darth Vader: Luke, I know what you're getting for Christmas. Luke: How?
    Darth Vader: I felt your presents.
  8. You know, I've never seen my Dad and Santa Claus in the same room Come to think of it, actually, I've never seen my Dad.
  9. Amazon is a lot like Santa Clause It brings gifts to our homes, gets busy around christmas and is very eager for our cookies.
  10. What's the difference between a semicolon and a cat? One has a pause at the end of it's clause, the other has claws at the end of it's paws.

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Claus One Liners

Which claus one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with claus? I can suggest the ones about mistletoe and mrs claus.

  1. My love life is like Santa Claus. It exists thanks to gullible six year olds
  2. Why is Santa Claus always so Jolly? He knows where all the naughty girls live.
  3. What do Bill Cosby and Santa Claus have in common? They don't come until you're asleep.
  4. I would like to be Santa Claus He knows where all the naughty girls live.
  5. TIL chimneys can be used as conjunctions They may introduce a clause
  6. What do you call the fear of being trapped in a chimney? Claus-trophobia.
  7. What is another name for Santa's elves? Subordinate Clauses!
  8. Why do Santa and Mrs. Claus not have any children? ...because Santa comes but once a year
  9. What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus
  10. What does Mrs Claus get when she wears tight pants? A mistletoe.
  11. What do Santa Claus and my dad have in common? I've never met the real one...
  12. TIL Santa Claus is European.. North Polish to be exact
  13. A Jewish Santa Claus came down the chimney and said.... "Anyone wanna buy any presents?"
  14. Who corrects Santa's grammar? A subordinate Clause.
  15. Why do some Jewish people believe in Santa Claus? because he isreal

Santa Claus Jokes

Here is a list of funny santa claus jokes and even better santa claus puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why did Mrs. Claus finally leave Santa after all these years? She found out about his other two hos.
  • Santa Jingle… He's making a list.
    He's checking it twice.
    Gonna find out who's naughty or nice.
    Santa Claus is in violation of the General Data Protection Regulation (EU) 2016/679
  • Why does Santa come down the chimney? Mrs. clause told him he'd never be allowed to come in the back Door.
  • My drunk uncle is Santa Claus He breaks into my house, drinks all the milk and snacks.. Then, he unloads his sack all over the living room.
  • Q: What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus? A: Santa stops after three hos.
  • How come chinese kids dont belive in santa claus? Because they're the ones that make the toys.
  • What did Mrs. Claus said when Santa Claus asked how is the weather? "It looks like rain dear!"
  • What does Santa Claus and Jared from Subway have in common? They both leave kid's homes with empty sacks.
  • Two prostitutes are discussing one asks the other:
    -What did you ask to Santa Claus this year?
    the other one answers:
    -Fifty dollars like everybody else
  • When my parents told me there was no Santa Claus I was so mad at them! I stomped out the door, got in my car and drove away.

Mrs Claus Jokes

Here is a list of funny mrs claus jokes and even better mrs claus puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • why couldn't mrs. claus get pregnant? santa only comes once a year and when he does it's down a chimney...
  • Why is Mrs. Claus disappointed? because Santa came early!
    I'll let myself out.
  • Santa Claus came early! Mrs. Claus wasn't too happy.
  • How does Mrs. Claus describe her husband's annoying laugh? Ha ha ha
  • Why did Santa divorce Mrs Clause? because he only came once a year
  • Why is Mrs. Claus so cranky? Santa only comes once a year and it's down a chimney.
  • What is Santa saying to Mrs. Claus right now? I told you it would rain, dear.
  • What's Mrs. Clause's favorite romance novel? 50 shades of sleigh.
  • Did you know Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus were cousins from Alabama? Yule tide.
  • Why does Mrs Clause pray for a white Christmas? Because Santa always comes once a year.
Claus joke, Why does Mrs Clause pray for a white Christmas?

Entertaining Claus Jokes to Laugh Out Loud Fun with Everyone

What funny jokes about claus you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean santa claus jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make claus pranks.

Perfect Man, Perfect Woman, and Santa Claus are in a car.

The car goes out of control and crashes into the side of a building, only one survives, who is it?
The Perfect woman survived because the perfect man and Santa Claus aren't real.
Still, just goes to show that even the perfect woman can't drive.

What's the difference between Santa Claus & Michael Jackson?

one comes when children dream & the other dreams of children coming*.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

How many reindeers does Santa Claus have?

Santa Claus has 10 reindeers according to the song.

>You know **Dasher** and **Dancer** and **Prancer** and **v**...**,
**Comet** and **Cupid** and **Donner** and **Blitzen**,
but do you recall the most famous reindeer of all?
**Rudolph** the Red-Nosed Reindeer, had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows.
**Olof** the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names

Did you know that Santa Claus is both an arborist and a geologist?

He's gonna find out what's knotty or gneiss.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Little Johnny's dad asks him if he knows about the birds and the bees...

Little Johnny claps his hands over his ears and says, "I don't wanna hear anymore! First you tell me there's no Santa Claus, and then there's no Easter Bunny or Tooth Fairy either. If you're about to tell me grown ups don't have s**..., I got nothin' to believe in anymore!"

Two boys were walking home from church after hearing a strong preaching on the devil...

One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"
The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad"

My brother pulled this one about his promiscuous dad today

What's the difference between dad and Santa Claus?
Santa Claus stops after 3 hos.

I'm claustrophobic...

I'm afraid of Santa.

An honest lawyer, a wealthy garbage collector, a teenage girl who's oblivious to what others think of her, and Santa Claus are in an elevator. Who's in the elevator?

Only Santa Claus, the other 3 don't exist.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

These need to be written.

Q: What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A: A piiig.
Q: What goes Oh, Oh, Oh?
A: Santa Claus walking backwards.

Santa probably regrets giving coal

Santa Claus probably regrets giving coal to naughty children now that global warming is threatening his habitat.

What's the similarity between Santa Claus and your doorbell ringing at 3am?

It's your dad.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Why is Santa Claus always a man?

Because no woman will wear same dress year after year for same occasion.

How does Santa Claus remember which chimneys he's been down?

He keeps a log

What did the claustrophobic fungi say to his friends?

There's not mushroom in here

Claustrophobic people are interesting

Because they always try to think outside of the box.

My husband is like Santa Claus

He's old, fat, and comes once in a year.

I'm really claustrophobic and just walked into a room crammed full with married people...

Luckily there wasn't a single person in it

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Christmas always s**... when I was a kid...

I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Who is Santa Claus?

Because if in Spanish, "Santo" or "San" is used for male saints...
(San Francisco, San Diego)
And "Santa" is used for female saints...
(Santa Monica, Santa Barbara)
Wouldn't that make Santa Claus t**...?

Little Johnny

A teacher in Sunday school once asked Little Johnny, "Johnny, do you believe in the Devil?"
"No," said Little Johnny knowledgeably. "It's just like with Santa Claus. I know it's really my dad."

I don't believe in Santa

I guess you could say I'm a rebel without a Claus.

I remember when I discovered Santa Claus was just my dad

I still don't know how he snuck out every year to deliver presents all over the world.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

A dumb blonde, a smart blonde and Santa Claus are playing a card game. Who wins?

The dumb blonde does. The other two don't exist.

What did the claustrophobic ninja do when he fell down a well?

He flipped out

A Smart Blonde, Big Foot and Santa Claus Jump From A Building. Who reaches the ground first?

No one, none of them exists.

A little boy asks a dealer in an alley dressed like Santa Claus,

"Santa, how do your reindeer fly?"
He replies, "With magic, of course!-
You want some magic?"

Back in December a Santa wondered into the wrong street and couldn't figure out a way out

He was a lost Claus

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Santa Claus is such and a**...

He know where all the naughty girls are, but doesn't tell anyone else.....

What do Kevin Spacey and Santa Claus have in common?

They both like to empty their sacks for young boys.
(I know it's an old MJ joke)

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

What did Santa Claus say when he heard Mrs Claus had been cheating on him?

h**... h**... h**...

Why was Santa Claus sick?

He came down with the flue.

Why did Santa Claus go to the podiatrist?

He thought he had mistletoe.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

I took my son to see Santa Claus yesterday and he stank of booze and cigarettes.

God knows what Santa Claus thought of him.

That name to call an alcoholic Santa?

A dependent Claus.

What's the best thing about working for Santa Claus?

Universal elf care.

Why did the police search Santas sleigh

Because they had probable Claus

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

My childhood memories of Christmas are dominated by the time I sneaked downstairs one Christmas Eve and heard my mother telling Father Christmas that he was a fat, lazy, good for nothing drunken slob...

I saw mommy dissing Santa Claus...

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

I saw Santa Claus having s**... with my mom. To get him back, I poisoned the cookies.

It turns out that Santa knew I would do this and killed my dad.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

What did Santa say to Mrs. Claus when she asked him why he wanted to go to a s**... club?

Because I want to make it rain, dear.

What do you call a father that still believes in Santa Claus?

A Feliz Naive-dad.

An honest politician, a hard-working civil servant and Santa Claus find a 100 dollar bill.

Who gets to keep it? 
Santa does, the other two are creatures of myth and legend.

Santa and Mrs. Claus have decided to break up

However, finding a divorce lawyer at the North Pole is next to impossible, so instead they got a semicolon.
They're great at separating independent Clauses.

Why does Santa Claus have blueballs?

Because he only comes once a year

If michael jackson was dressed as santa claus how would he get in your house?

Down the chimi-NE-HE!

Who is the most cosplayed character?

Santa Claus

Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces

For example, I am going to the liquor store and I'm afraid that it's closed

Christmas!!!

Q: Why dont Chinese people believe in Santa Claus.
A: Cuz they make the gifts....

My dad is like Santa Claus

He's there when I'm young, but he disappears as I get older

Who is the odd one out between.... Santa Claus, the Easter bunny, Bill Cosby and the tooth fairy?

The Easter bunny, the rest only come when you are sleeping.

Who brings Purell and wet wipes to all the good little OCD girls and boys?

Sani Claus.

How old is Santa Claus?

The same age as your father.

When are claustrophobic people thinking at their best?

When they think outside the box.

What does a Janitor have in common with Santa Claus?

Leave out some cookies for them and you'll receive better treatment.

What do married men and Santa Claus have in common?

They only come once a year.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

When I was a kid, my parents fed me a lot of b**..., like believing in the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. But I finally started thinking for myself and realized it was all wishful thinking.

Thank you Jesus!

In an attempt to boost morale, my office threw a 'Christmas in July' event today. I got to talking to my coworker from Beijing and asked him, "Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?" He confided in me...

"Because they make the toys."

911 - A Parody Of Jingle Bells

Dashing through the snow, on a pair of broken skis
Over the hills we go, crashing into trees!
The snow is turning red, I think I might be dead,
I woke up in the hospital with stitches in my head, oh!
9-1-1, 9-1-1, Santa Claus is dead!
Rudolph took a .44 and shot him in the head, oh!
Barbie Doll, Barbie Doll, tried to save his life,
But G.I. Joe from Mexico stabbed him with a knife!

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Santa Claus is a d**......

He made my wife sit on his lap, asked if she's been naughty this year then laughed and repeatedly called her a h**....

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

What do you call head from Mrs. Claus?

A blo-h**...-h**... job.

Claus joke, What do you call head from Mrs. Claus?

jokes about claus