Following is our collection of banta puns and mistletoe one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Claus jokes for adults, dirty grinch jokes and clean sleigh dad gags for kids.
It exists thanks to gullible six year olds
However, finding a divorce lawyer at the North Pole is next to impossible, so instead they got a semicolon.
They're great at separating independent Clauses.
He knows where all the naughty girls live.
Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, its down the chimney.
It turns out that Santa knew I would do this and killed my dad.
They don't come until you're asleep.
God knows what Santa Claus thought of him.
The way they traveled through the chimney.
There's not mushroom in here
He knows where all the naughty girls live.
I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents.
I've been taking steps to avoid it.
Thank you Jesus!
"Because they make the toys."
Come to think of it, actually, I've never seen my Dad.
Because no woman will wear same dress year after year for same occasion.
Little Johnny claps his hands over his ears and says, "I don't wanna hear anymore! First you tell me there's no Santa Claus, and then there's no Easter Bunny or Tooth Fairy either. If you're about to tell me grown ups don't have sex, I got nothin' to believe in anymore!"
...because Santa comes but once a year
A rebel without a Claus
For example, I am going to the liquor store and I'm afraid that it's closed
They both only come when your sleeping
I've never met the real one...
He flipped out
He breaks into my house, drinks all the milk and snacks.. Then, he unloads his sack all over the living room.
North Polish to be exact
One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Claus, "Please send me a sister." Santa Claus wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."
He only comes once a year
A: Santa stops after three hos.
One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"
The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad"
Then there was always that awkward silence afterwards as he put his pants on and left.
He knows where all the naughty girls live.
I actually heard this in the video game LA Noire. Thought it was pretty funny so I bust it out every Christmas.
Little Johnny's father asks him if he knows about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny says, bursting into tears.
Confused, his father asks what's wrong.
"Oh, Dad," Little Johnny sobs, "first, there was no Santa Claus, then no Easter Bunny, and finally, no Tooth Fairy. If you're about to tell me that grownups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in."
Because he knows the adress of every bad girl.
"Anyone wanna buy any presents?"
one asks the other:
-What did you ask to Santa Claus this year?
the other one answers:
-Fifty dollars like everybody else
He know where all the naughty girls are, but doesn't tell anyone else.....
Q: Why dont Chinese people believe in Santa Claus.
A: Cuz they make the gifts....
Only Santa Claus, the other 3 don't exist.
They both leave kid's homes with empty sacks.
santa only comes once a year and when he does it's down a chimney...
The Easter bunny, the rest only come when you are sleeping.
Asked the one hooker the other: What do you ask from Santa Claus this year?
Oh, just 50 dollars, like always.
What's the difference between dad and Santa Claus?
Santa Claus stops after 3 hos.
Because he only gets to come once a year and thats down a chimney.
You can feel his presents ...
I still don't know how he snuck out every year to deliver presents all over the world.
because Santa came early!
I'll let myself out.
Santa Claus has 10 reindeers according to the song.
>You know **Dasher** and **Dancer** and **Prancer** and **Vixen**,
**Comet** and **Cupid** and **Donner** and **Blitzen**,
but do you recall the most famous reindeer of all?
**Rudolph** the Red-Nosed Reindeer, had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows.
**Olof** the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names
Because they had probable Claus
I guess you could say I'm a rebel without a Claus.
Dashing through the snow, on a pair of broken skis
Over the hills we go, crashing into trees!
The snow is turning red, I think I might be dead,
I woke up in the hospital with stitches in my head, oh!
9-1-1, 9-1-1, Santa Claus is dead!
Rudolph took a .44 and shot him in the head, oh!
Barbie Doll, Barbie Doll, tried to save his life,
But G.I. Joe from Mexico stabbed him with a knife!
He keeps a log
Hoe hoe hoe
Santa stops at three hoes.
(sorry if repost)
Santa Claus stops after three ho's.
I don't claim... heard from a colleague of mine.
No one, none of them exists.
Mrs. Claus wasn't too happy.
The dumb blonde does. The other two don't exist.
A week later she gets a tattoo of Santa Claus on her right thigh. The artist asked what's the significance. she replies turkey is for Thanksgiving, Santa is for Christmas. My husband complains there is nothing to eat in between Thanksgiving and Christmas, now he can't complain
They only come once a year.
I'm afraid of Santa.
one comes when children dream & the other dreams of children coming*.
He's gonna find out what's knotty or gneiss.
He's there when I'm young, but he disappears as I get older
He comes while you're asleep.
He's old, fat, and comes once in a year.
Universal elf care.
When they think outside the box.
Luckily there wasn't a single person in it
Santa Claus probably regrets giving coal to naughty children now that global warming is threatening his habitat.
Your parents eventually admit Santa isn't real.
They both like to empty their sacks for young boys.
(I know it's an old MJ joke)
What is the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods?
Santa stopped at 3 ho's
Because they always try to think outside of the box.
The same age as your father.
"Santa, how do your reindeer fly?"
He replies, "With magic, of course!-
You want some magic?"
It's rain, dear!
Because he only comes once a year
He always leaves your home with an empty sack
Dashing through the snow, on a pair of broken skis
Over the hills we go, crashing into trees!
The snow is turning red, I think I might be dead,
I woke up in the hospital with stitches in my head, oh!
9-1-1, 9-1-1, Santa Claus is dead!
Rudolph took a .44 and shot him in the head, oh!
Barbie Doll, Barbie Doll, tried to save his life,
But G.I. Joe from Mexico stabbed him with a knife!
Little Johnny (Bursting into tears): "I dont want to know!"
Father: "Whats wrong?"
LJ: Oh dad, first there was no Santa Claus, then no Easter bunny and finally no Tooth-Fairy. If you are about to tell me grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to beleive in!
He only comes once a year, and it's down the chimney.
They both come when you are sleeping
He only comes once a year.
The car goes out of control and crashes into the side of a building, only one survives, who is it?
The Perfect woman survived because the perfect man and Santa Claus aren't real.
Still, just goes to show that even the perfect woman can't drive.
A Feliz Naive-dad.
Santa, confused, replies "but doesn't Barbie come with Ken?"
"No she comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken".
There is an abundance of hos jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 87 funniest jokes and claus puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any santa witze you can hear about claus.
Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.