Claus Jokes

Following is our collection of banta puns and mistletoe one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Claus jokes for adults, dirty grinch jokes and clean sleigh dad gags for kids.

The Best Claus Puns

My love life is like Santa Claus.

It exists thanks to gullible six year olds

Santa and Mrs. Claus have decided to break up

However, finding a divorce lawyer at the North Pole is next to impossible, so instead they got a semicolon.

They're great at separating independent Clauses.

Why is Santa Claus always so Jolly?

He knows where all the naughty girls live.

Why doesn't Santa Claus have any children?

Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, its down the chimney.

I saw Santa Claus having sex with my mom. To get him back, I poisoned the cookies.

It turns out that Santa knew I would do this and killed my dad.


What do Bill Cosby and Santa Claus have in common?

They don't come until you're asleep.

I took my son to see Santa Claus yesterday and he stank of booze and cigarettes.

God knows what Santa Claus thought of him.

What's the difference between Santa Claus and the Jews?

The way they traveled through the chimney.

What did the claustrophobic fungi say to his friends?

There's not mushroom in here

I would like to be Santa Claus

He knows where all the naughty girls live.

Christmas always sucked when I was a kid...

I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents.


I keep getting claustrophobic in elevators.

I've been taking steps to avoid it.

When I was a kid, my parents fed me a lot of bullshit, like believing in the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. But I finally started thinking for myself and realized it was all wishful thinking.

Thank you Jesus!

In an attempt to boost morale, my office threw a 'Christmas in July' event today. I got to talking to my coworker from Beijing and asked him, "Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?" He confided in me...

"Because they make the toys."

You know, I've never seen my Dad and Santa Claus in the same room

Come to think of it, actually, I've never seen my Dad.

Why is Santa Claus always a man?

Because no woman will wear same dress year after year for same occasion.

Little Johnny's dad asks him if he knows about the birds and the bees...

Little Johnny claps his hands over his ears and says, "I don't wanna hear anymore! First you tell me there's no Santa Claus, and then there's no Easter Bunny or Tooth Fairy either. If you're about to tell me grown ups don't have sex, I got nothin' to believe in anymore!"

Why do Santa and Mrs. Claus not have any children?

...because Santa comes but once a year

What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa?

A rebel without a Claus


Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces

For example, I am going to the liquor store and I'm afraid that it's closed

How are Bill Cosby and Santa Claus similar

They both only come when your sleeping

What do Santa Claus and my dad have in common?

I've never met the real one...

What did the claustrophobic ninja do when he fell down a well?

He flipped out

My drunk uncle is Santa Claus

He breaks into my house, drinks all the milk and snacks.. Then, he unloads his sack all over the living room.

TIL Santa Claus is European..

North Polish to be exact

A little boy wrote to Santa Claus...

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Claus, "Please send me a sister." Santa Claus wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."

Why doesn't Santa Claus have any kids?

He only comes once a year

Q: What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?

A: Santa stops after three hos.

Two boys were walking home from church after hearing a strong preaching on the devil...

One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"
The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad"

I remember laying in bed as a child waiting for Santa Claus to come....

Then there was always that awkward silence afterwards as he put his pants on and left.

Why is Santa Claus so jolly?

He knows where all the naughty girls live.

I actually heard this in the video game LA Noire. Thought it was pretty funny so I bust it out every Christmas.

Little Johnny and the Birds and the Bees

Little Johnny's father asks him if he knows about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny says, bursting into tears.

Confused, his father asks what's wrong.

"Oh, Dad," Little Johnny sobs, "first, there was no Santa Claus, then no Easter Bunny, and finally, no Tooth Fairy. If you're about to tell me that grownups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in."

Why is Santa Claus the happiest man?

Because he knows the adress of every bad girl.

A Jewish Santa Claus came down the chimney and said....

"Anyone wanna buy any presents?"

Two prostitutes are discussing

one asks the other:
-What did you ask to Santa Claus this year?
the other one answers:
-Fifty dollars like everybody else

Santa Claus is such and arsehole

He know where all the naughty girls are, but doesn't tell anyone else.....

Christmas!!!

Q: Why dont Chinese people believe in Santa Claus.

A: Cuz they make the gifts....

An honest lawyer, a wealthy garbage collector, a teenage girl who's oblivious to what others think of her, and Santa Claus are in an elevator. Who's in the elevator?

Only Santa Claus, the other 3 don't exist.

What does Santa Claus and Jared from Subway have in common?

They both leave kid's homes with empty sacks.

why couldn't mrs. claus get pregnant?

santa only comes once a year and when he does it's down a chimney...

Who is the odd one out between.... Santa Claus, the Easter bunny, Bill Cosby and the tooth fairy?

The Easter bunny, the rest only come when you are sleeping.

There were hookers talking...

Asked the one hooker the other: What do you ask from Santa Claus this year?

Oh, just 50 dollars, like always.

My brother pulled this one about his promiscuous dad today

What's the difference between dad and Santa Claus?





Santa Claus stops after 3 hos.

Do you know why Santa Claus doesn't have any kids?

Because he only gets to come once a year and thats down a chimney.

How do you know when Santa Claus is nearby ?

You can feel his presents ...

I remember when I discovered Santa Claus was just my dad

I still don't know how he snuck out every year to deliver presents all over the world.

Why is Mrs. Claus disappointed?

because Santa came early!



I'll let myself out.

How many reindeers does Santa Claus have?

Santa Claus has 10 reindeers according to the song.

>You know **Dasher** and **Dancer** and **Prancer** and **Vixen**,
**Comet** and **Cupid** and **Donner** and **Blitzen**,
but do you recall the most famous reindeer of all?
**Rudolph** the Red-Nosed Reindeer, had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows.
**Olof** the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names

Why did the police search Santas sleigh

Because they had probable Claus

I don't believe in Santa

I guess you could say I'm a rebel without a Claus.

911 - A Parody Of Jingle Bells

Dashing through the snow, on a pair of broken skis
Over the hills we go, crashing into trees!
The snow is turning red, I think I might be dead,
I woke up in the hospital with stitches in my head, oh!
9-1-1, 9-1-1, Santa Claus is dead!
Rudolph took a .44 and shot him in the head, oh!
Barbie Doll, Barbie Doll, tried to save his life,
But G.I. Joe from Mexico stabbed him with a knife!

How does Santa Claus remember which chimneys he's been down?

He keeps a log

What did Santa Claus say when he heard Mrs Claus had been cheating on him?

Hoe hoe hoe

What's the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods?

Santa stops at three hoes.
(sorry if repost)

What's the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods?

Santa Claus stops after three ho's.




I don't claim... heard from a colleague of mine.

A Smart Blonde, Big Foot and Santa Claus Jump From A Building. Who reaches the ground first?

No one, none of them exists.

Santa Claus came early!

Mrs. Claus wasn't too happy.

A dumb blonde, a smart blonde and Santa Claus are playing a card game. Who wins?

The dumb blonde does. The other two don't exist.

A lady goes to a tattoo parlor and gets a tattoo of a turkey on her left thigh.

A week later she gets a tattoo of Santa Claus on her right thigh. The artist asked what's the significance. she replies turkey is for Thanksgiving, Santa is for Christmas. My husband complains there is nothing to eat in between Thanksgiving and Christmas, now he can't complain

What do married men and Santa Claus have in common?

They only come once a year.

I'm claustrophobic...

I'm afraid of Santa.

What's the difference between Santa Claus & Michael Jackson?

one comes when children dream & the other dreams of children coming*.

Did you know that Santa Claus is both an arborist and a geologist?

He's gonna find out what's knotty or gneiss.

My dad is like Santa Claus

He's there when I'm young, but he disappears as I get older

Bill Cosby is like Santa Claus

He comes while you're asleep.

My husband is like Santa Claus

He's old, fat, and comes once in a year.

What's the best thing about working for Santa Claus?

Universal elf care.

When are claustrophobic people thinking at their best?

When they think outside the box.

I'm really claustrophobic and just walked into a room crammed full with married people...

Luckily there wasn't a single person in it

Santa probably regrets giving coal

Santa Claus probably regrets giving coal to naughty children now that global warming is threatening his habitat.

What's the difference between god and Santa Claus?

Your parents eventually admit Santa isn't real.

What do Kevin Spacey and Santa Claus have in common?

They both like to empty their sacks for young boys.
(I know it's an old MJ joke)

Since Tiger Woods is back in the news and it's the holiday season....

What is the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods?

Santa stopped at 3 ho's

Claustrophobic people are interesting

Because they always try to think outside of the box.

How old is Santa Claus?

The same age as your father.

A little boy asks a dealer in an alley dressed like Santa Claus,

"Santa, how do your reindeer fly?"

He replies, "With magic, of course!-

You want some magic?"

What did Santa Claus say when Mrs. Claus asked him for the weather?

It's rain, dear!

Why does Santa Claus have blueballs?

Because he only comes once a year

How is Michael Jackson like Santa Claus?

He always leaves your home with an empty sack

Parody of Jinga Bells

Dashing through the snow, on a pair of broken skis
Over the hills we go, crashing into trees!
The snow is turning red, I think I might be dead,
I woke up in the hospital with stitches in my head, oh!
9-1-1, 9-1-1, Santa Claus is dead!
Rudolph took a .44 and shot him in the head, oh!
Barbie Doll, Barbie Doll, tried to save his life,
But G.I. Joe from Mexico stabbed him with a knife!

DAD: Johnny, do youy know about the birds and the bees?

Little Johnny (Bursting into tears): "I dont want to know!"

Father: "Whats wrong?"

LJ: Oh dad, first there was no Santa Claus, then no Easter bunny and finally no Tooth-Fairy. If you are about to tell me grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to beleive in!

Do you know why Santa Claus ain't got not babies?

He only comes once a year, and it's down the chimney.

How is Billy Cosby like Santa Claus?

They both come when you are sleeping

How do you know Santa Claus is married?

He only comes once a year.

Perfect Man, Perfect Woman, and Santa Claus are in a car.

The car goes out of control and crashes into the side of a building, only one survives, who is it?

The Perfect woman survived because the perfect man and Santa Claus aren't real.

Still, just goes to show that even the perfect woman can't drive.

What do you call a father that still believes in Santa Claus?

A Feliz Naive-dad.

A little girl is visiting Santa Claus and asks for Barbie and G.I. Joe.

Santa, confused, replies "but doesn't Barbie come with Ken?"
"No she comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken".

There is an abundance of hos jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 87 funniest jokes and claus puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any santa witze you can hear about claus.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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