The Best 87 Claus Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Claus jokes. There are some claus mistletoe jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these claus sleigh puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Claus Jokes and Puns
What's the difference between Santa Claus & Michael Jackson?
one comes when children dream & the other dreams of children coming*.
Santa Claus came early!
Mrs. Claus wasn't too happy.
What's the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods?
Santa stops at three hoes.
(sorry if repost)
How many reindeers does Santa Claus have?
Santa Claus has 10 reindeers according to the song.
>You know **Dasher** and **Dancer** and **Prancer** and **Vixen**,
**Comet** and **Cupid** and **Donner** and **Blitzen**,
but do you recall the most famous reindeer of all?
**Rudolph** the Red-Nosed Reindeer, had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows.
**Olof** the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names
A Jewish Santa Claus came down the chimney and said....
"Anyone wanna buy any presents?"
Did you know that Santa Claus is both an arborist and a geologist?
He's gonna find out what's knotty or gneiss.
Two prostitutes are discussing
one asks the other:
-What did you ask to Santa Claus this year?
the other one answers:
-Fifty dollars like everybody else
Why is Santa Claus so jolly?
He knows where all the naughty girls live.
I actually heard this in the video game LA Noire. Thought it was pretty funny so I bust it out every Christmas.
Little Johnny's dad asks him if he knows about the birds and the bees...
Little Johnny claps his hands over his ears and says, "I don't wanna hear anymore! First you tell me there's no Santa Claus, and then there's no Easter Bunny or Tooth Fairy either. If you're about to tell me grown ups don't have sex, I got nothin' to believe in anymore!"
why couldn't mrs. claus get pregnant?
santa only comes once a year and when he does it's down a chimney...
Do you know why Santa Claus doesn't have any kids?
Because he only gets to come once a year and thats down a chimney.
You can explore claus banta reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean claus grinch dad jokes. There are also claus puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Two boys were walking home from church after hearing a strong preaching on the devil...
One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"
The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad"
Bill Cosby is like Santa Claus
He comes while you're asleep.
What's the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods?
Santa Claus stops after three ho's.
I don't claim... heard from a colleague of mine.
My brother pulled this one about his promiscuous dad today
What's the difference between dad and Santa Claus?
Santa Claus stops after 3 hos.
I'm claustrophobic...
I'm afraid of Santa.
A little boy wrote to Santa Claus...
One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Claus, "Please send me a sister." Santa Claus wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."
A lady goes to a tattoo parlor and gets a tattoo of a turkey on her left thigh.
A week later she gets a tattoo of Santa Claus on her right thigh. The artist asked what's the significance. she replies turkey is for Thanksgiving, Santa is for Christmas. My husband complains there is nothing to eat in between Thanksgiving and Christmas, now he can't complain
Why doesn't Santa Claus have any kids?
He only comes once a year
An honest lawyer, a wealthy garbage collector, a teenage girl who's oblivious to what others think of her, and Santa Claus are in an elevator. Who's in the elevator?
Only Santa Claus, the other 3 don't exist.
Why is Mrs. Claus disappointed?
because Santa came early!
I'll let myself out.
How do you know when Santa Claus is nearby ?
You can feel his presents ...
Why doesn't Santa Claus have any children?
Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, its down the chimney.
What does Santa Claus and Jared from Subway have in common?
They both leave kid's homes with empty sacks.
Why do Santa and Mrs. Claus not have any children?
...because Santa comes but once a year
How are Bill Cosby and Santa Claus similar
They both only come when your sleeping
I would like to be Santa Claus
He knows where all the naughty girls live.
Santa probably regrets giving coal
Santa Claus probably regrets giving coal to naughty children now that global warming is threatening his habitat.
Why is Santa Claus always a man?
Because no woman will wear same dress year after year for same occasion.
My love life is like Santa Claus.
It exists thanks to gullible six year olds
How does Santa Claus remember which chimneys he's been down?
He keeps a log
There were hookers talking...
Asked the one hooker the other: What do you ask from Santa Claus this year?
Oh, just 50 dollars, like always.
What did the claustrophobic fungi say to his friends?
There's not mushroom in here
Q: What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?
A: Santa stops after three hos.
What's the difference between Santa Claus and the Jews?
The way they traveled through the chimney.
My husband is like Santa Claus
He's old, fat, and comes once in a year.
I'm really claustrophobic and just walked into a room crammed full with married people...
Luckily there wasn't a single person in it
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid...
I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents.
Little Johnny and the Birds and the Bees
Little Johnny's father asks him if he knows about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny says, bursting into tears.
Confused, his father asks what's wrong.
"Oh, Dad," Little Johnny sobs, "first, there was no Santa Claus, then no Easter Bunny, and finally, no Tooth Fairy. If you're about to tell me that grownups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in."
I keep getting claustrophobic in elevators.
I've been taking steps to avoid it.
Why is Santa Claus always so Jolly?
He knows where all the naughty girls live.
I don't believe in Santa
I guess you could say I'm a rebel without a Claus.
Why is Santa Claus the happiest man?
Because he knows the adress of every bad girl.
I remember when I discovered Santa Claus was just my dad
I still don't know how he snuck out every year to deliver presents all over the world.
A dumb blonde, a smart blonde and Santa Claus are playing a card game. Who wins?
The dumb blonde does. The other two don't exist.
What did the claustrophobic ninja do when he fell down a well?
He flipped out
A Smart Blonde, Big Foot and Santa Claus Jump From A Building. Who reaches the ground first?
No one, none of them exists.
What do Bill Cosby and Santa Claus have in common?
They don't come until you're asleep.
What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus
Santa Claus is such and arsehole
He know where all the naughty girls are, but doesn't tell anyone else.....
What do Kevin Spacey and Santa Claus have in common?
They both like to empty their sacks for young boys.
(I know it's an old MJ joke)
What did Santa Claus say when he heard Mrs Claus had been cheating on him?
Hoe hoe hoe
TIL Santa Claus is European..
North Polish to be exact
What do Santa Claus and my dad have in common?
I've never met the real one...
I took my son to see Santa Claus yesterday and he stank of booze and cigarettes.
God knows what Santa Claus thought of him.
What's the best thing about working for Santa Claus?
Universal elf care.
My drunk uncle is Santa Claus
He breaks into my house, drinks all the milk and snacks.. Then, he unloads his sack all over the living room.
Why did the police search Santas sleigh
Because they had probable Claus
I saw Santa Claus having sex with my mom. To get him back, I poisoned the cookies.
It turns out that Santa knew I would do this and killed my dad.
Santa and Mrs. Claus have decided to break up
However, finding a divorce lawyer at the North Pole is next to impossible, so instead they got a semicolon.
They're great at separating independent Clauses.
You know, I've never seen my Dad and Santa Claus in the same room
Come to think of it, actually, I've never seen my Dad.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces
For example, I am going to the liquor store and I'm afraid that it's closed
Christmas!!!
Q: Why dont Chinese people believe in Santa Claus.
A: Cuz they make the gifts....
I remember laying in bed as a child waiting for Santa Claus to come....
Then there was always that awkward silence afterwards as he put his pants on and left.
My dad is like Santa Claus
He's there when I'm young, but he disappears as I get older
Who is the odd one out between.... Santa Claus, the Easter bunny, Bill Cosby and the tooth fairy?
The Easter bunny, the rest only come when you are sleeping.
What's the difference between god and Santa Claus?
Your parents eventually admit Santa isn't real.
How old is Santa Claus?
The same age as your father.
When are claustrophobic people thinking at their best?
When they think outside the box.
What do married men and Santa Claus have in common?
They only come once a year.
When I was a kid, my parents fed me a lot of bullshit, like believing in the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. But I finally started thinking for myself and realized it was all wishful thinking.
Thank you Jesus!
In an attempt to boost morale, my office threw a 'Christmas in July' event today. I got to talking to my coworker from Beijing and asked him, "Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?" He confided in me...
"Because they make the toys."
911 - A Parody Of Jingle Bells
Dashing through the snow, on a pair of broken skis
Over the hills we go, crashing into trees!
The snow is turning red, I think I might be dead,
I woke up in the hospital with stitches in my head, oh!
9-1-1, 9-1-1, Santa Claus is dead!
Rudolph took a .44 and shot him in the head, oh!
Barbie Doll, Barbie Doll, tried to save his life,
But G.I. Joe from Mexico stabbed him with a knife!
What's the difference between Santa Claus and voter fraud?
One is a childish fantasy about getting what you want. The other has flying reindeer.
Santa Claus is a douchebag...
He made my wife sit on his lap, asked if she's been naughty this year then laughed and repeatedly called her a ho.
Santa Claus will be allowed to go out and deliver presents without speading Covid-19
He has spent the last year in the North Pole in Ice-olation
What did Mrs. Claus said when Santa Claus asked how is the weather?
"It looks like rain dear!"
When my parents told me there was no Santa Claus I was so mad at them!
I stomped out the door, got in my car and drove away.
Why did Rudolph run away from Santa, get a tattoo and dye his tail purple?
He was a rebel without a Claus
How does Mrs. Claus describe her husband's annoying laugh?
Ha ha ha
Santa Claus is near
I can sense his presents
What do you call someone who wants to sleep with Santa Claus?
A ho ho hoe
When I was a kid, I used to believe in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy
Now that I've grown older, I don't believe in that nonsense any more, thank God.
Claustrophobic?
Who would ever be scared of Santa Claus?
Why did Mrs. Claus finally leave Santa after all these years?
She found out about his other two hos.
How is Bill Cosby like Santa Claus?
Neither will come unless you're asleep
Why does Santa always keep a Baseball bat in his sleigh?
For Claus combat.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the claus hos jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working claus santa piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.