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Classroom Teacher Jokes

89 classroom teacher jokes and hilarious classroom teacher puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about classroom teacher that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Classroom Teacher Short Jokes

Short classroom teacher jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The classroom teacher humour may include short school teacher jokes also.

  1. A Bitter Army Veteran storms into a classroom and shouts "If it weren't for me you'd all be speaking German!" "That's right" replies the German teacher.
  2. A science teacher was teaching his students how to convert from pounds to kilograms. There was mass confusion in the classroom.
  3. I complained to my maths teacher that it was too cold in the classroom He told me to stand in the corner.
    Because the coner is 90 degrees
  4. why did the computer go to the cafe?, and who is the king of the classroom? to get a byte, and
    the ruler!!!
    my one sub teacher tells absolutely terrible jokes everytime we have her!
  5. A kid from England walks into an classroom in America. Kid: Is this maths?
    Teacher: No, this is math.
    Kid: Ah, so you don't do multiples here.
  6. A physics teacher accidentally walks into the psychology classroom on her first day... Whoops wrong sub
  7. Classroom Nerd (In a high school class room)
    Girl: Do you see that F@#$ING nerd over there.
    Teacher: Don't be so mean, he could be your boss one day.
    Nerd: Sorry I don't plan on being a p**...
  8. A Swedish exchange student asked me if he could do m**...' in my classroom after school As a maths teacher, I was pleasantly surprised by his willingness to learn.

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Classroom Teacher One Liners

Which classroom teacher one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with classroom teacher? I can suggest the ones about classroom student and classroom.

  1. Why was the English teacher arrested? She practiced capital punishment in her classroom.
  2. TIFU by sending a substitute math teacher to a geography classroom. Whoops, wrong sub!
  3. "Is this a classroom?" said the teacher... loudly... in a fish market.
  4. TIFU By standing in for a sick teacher in the wrong classroom whoops, wrong sub.
  5. What happened when the child m**... lost his job? Classroom 3-A got a new teacher.
  6. A s**... teacher enters a classroom with 20 boys...... All 40 get up.

Classroom Teacher Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about classroom teacher you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean high school teacher jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make classroom teacher pranks.

The teacher is droning away in the classroom when he notices a student sleeping way up in the back row.
The teacher shouts to the sleeping student's neighbor, "Hey wake that student up!"
The neighbor yells back, "You put him to sleep, you wake him up!"

Little Johnny got caught stealing in a FOOD 4 LESS and runs away from the cops.


He runs towards his school and into his classroom.
He asks his teacher "May I please hide in your classroom because I got caught stealing".
The teacher says "Yes".
Little Johnny first hides under a desk, but no, the cops can see him there.
He then hides behind the door, but no, the cops can see him there.
So the teacher suggested to little Johnny "Hide under my long, fluffy skirt".
Little Johnny says "O.K."
The cops arrive and ask the teacher "Have you seen a little boy around here?".
The teacher replies "sorry, I haven't".
When the cops left the classroom the teacher says" Johnny, the cops are gone.you can come out now".
Little johnny replies" not yet, I got one more braid to go".

Little Johnny was walking down the hallway at school.


When he reaches his classroom he looks inside and sees a sub instead of his regular teacher.
Johnny sits down and the teacher says, “Now students, my name is Ms. Prussy. Not the other word, this word has an r after the first letter.” Johnny started laughing.
An hour later he forgot her name and said, “Your name has an r after the first letter is it Ms. Crunt?”

Billy was excited about his first day at school.


So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom.
So Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course the teacher said yes, but asked Billy to be quick.
Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. "I can’t find it," he admitted.
The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now.
Billy looked at the diagram, said "yes" and went on his way.
A short while later he returned to the class room and said to the teacher "I still can’t find it."
Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy, a boy who had been at the school for awhile, to help Billy find the bathroom.
So Tommy and Billy left the classroom together and five minutes later they both return and sat down at their seats.
The teacher asked Tommy "Well, did you find it?"
Tommy was quick with his reply. "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards."

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."
The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.
The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.
The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.
The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day.
The professor says I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read? so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.
The C.E.O says I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.
The janitor says I'll be an artist so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.
The janitor says I got a masters degree in art.

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."
The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.
The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.
The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.
The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."

In a classroom...

The girl students were really upset and shouted together in class in unison for justice. The agahst teacher asked for a reason. They asked him to look at the blackboard in which was written in bold "**50% of girls don't have brains**", which the girls asserted was the job done by boys on purpose.
The teacher called one of the boys and asked if indeed this was true. The boy admitted that it was respectfully done by them. The teacher then asked him to correct the mistake and rewrite the sentence.
The boy dutifully moved forward and picked up the duster instead of the chalk to the amazement of the teacher and erased the word don't from the blackboard. The sentence now read "**50% of girls ~~don't~~ have brains**".
There was an awkward silence and then a Roar of applause from the girls for their victory. The boys and the teacher too joined in their celebration.

An arab child

Jassem, an Arab child, entered his classroom on the first day of school in Ohio. "What is your name?" – asked the teacher. "Jassem"- answered the kid. "You are in America now, From now on your name will be Johnny," –replied the teacher.
In the evening, Jassem returned home. "How was your day, Jassem?" – asked his mother. "My name is not Jassem. I'm in America and now my name is Johnny. "
"Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage? Shame on you!" – and she beat him. Then she called his father and he too beat him. The next day Jassem returned to school.. When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked, "What happened to you little Johnny"?
Well ma'am, 4 hours after I becoming an American, I was attacked by two Arabs at home."

No problems

A former Sergeant , having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher, but just before the school year started he injured his back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.
Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-alec punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest. Dead silence ... He had no trouble with discipline that year.

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while
they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each
child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl
replied, "They will in a minute."

the teacher and the vandal

One day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed that someone had written the word p**...' (in tiny letters) on the blackboard. She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the word off and began class. The next day, the word p**...' was written on the board again; this time it was written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's being larger than the previous one, and each being rubbed off vigorously. At the end of the second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."

How to keep kids from acting up in class

A former Sergeant , having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher, but just before the school year started he injured his back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.
Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-alec punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest. Dead silence ... He had no trouble with discipline that year.

In a classroom

The teacher is talking to little girls about Johnny's awful language 'Remember girls, when Johnny starts swearing just go out of our classroom.' Johnny came in and sat down. The teacher asked what are the buildings under construction in town. Kids say many things but then Little Johnny says 'They are building a w**... nearby'. And so every girl got up and started heading for the door. Then Johnny shouted 'Wait up w**..., it will be done in a month, what's the rush'

Philosophy final

in a class for philosophy, the teacher looks at his class, grabs his chair, places it on his desk and tells the entire classroom about his final.
"You have only one question: use your knowledge that I have taught you in this class and prove to me that this chair doesn't exist. You have until the end of class."
Now while everyone else in the class worked on long complicated answers to his problem, one student got up from his desk almost as soon as it begun. The student smiles and hands the teacher his paper and was off.
The teacher, almost sad that the student didn't even try, looked at the sheet of paper and gave the student an "A"
His answer: What chair?

So there's this classroom full of students in china...

...and this kid named meng was making fun of the teacher. The teacher walks up to him and yells; now listen you... All of a sudden the kid next to him says, but meng did it not me.

The inflatable headteacher at the inflatable school caught the inflatable student bringing a pin into the classroom.

He said, "Not only have you let yourself down, you've let me down, you've let your teachers down, and you've let the whole school down..."

The crab saw it. (average length)

In the first grades classroom one day, the teacher asks the students:
-*Why* *is* *the* *flounder* *so* *flat* ?
Alan then quickly responds:
-*Because* *he* *had* *s**...* *with* *a* *whale*.
The teacher gets mad, and sends Alan straight out of the classroom. The teacher then asks another question:
-*Why* *are* *the* *c**...* *eyes* *so* *big* ?
Alan then opens the door and sneaks his head out into the classroom and says:
-*Because* *he* *saw* *the* *whole* *thing* !

Little Johnny

Teacher: "Children, tomorrow I would like you to give me an example of a development that is currently being built near your home and what are the advantages of this new development. At the end of the class, the teacher asks that all the little girls remain behind for 5 minutes.
Teacher: "Young ladies, I have received numerous complaints from your parents concerning Little Johnny's crude remarks. It is very likely that tomorrow he is going to say something dirty and that is why I am asking you all, to avoid any further problems - that if he says anything that appears rude, I would like you all to get up and leave the classroom."
Everybody agreed to this plan. Next day...
Teacher: "Is everybody ready with their assignment? Go ahead Anita."
Anita: "Near my home, a supermarket is being built. Now my mommy doesn't have to walk so far to get bread and milk." Teacher: "Very good Anita! Yes - Suzie!"
Suzie: "Near my home, they are building a furniture factory. My daddy is a carpenter and this permits him to work near home."
Teacher: "Excellent, thank-you Suzie! At this point, little Johnny's hand shoots up and the Teacher asks: "Oh heavens, Johnny tell me what new development is being built near your home."
Little Johnny: "Near my home, they are building a brothel."
All the young ladies get up and proceed to leave. Little Johnny says, "Hey, relax girls... it hasn't opened yet!"

A teacher assigns her students to read a chapter of a book.

"Class, I want you to read chapter 31 of the book I assigned you. Understood?"
The entire class agreed. "Okay. Class is dismissed. Remember to read it."
Skip to the next day in the classroom. "Okay, so whoever read chapter 31, please stand up."
Every student stood up. "Now, all of you go to the principals office."
Every student is shocked and confused.
"Why, you ask? There isn't any chapter 31!".

Registration on the first day back at school in Birmingham, ENGLAND.

*Registration on the first day back at school in Birmingham, ENGLAND.
The teacher began calling out the names of the pupils:*
"Mustafa Al Eih Zeri?" "Here"
"Achmed El Kabul?" "Here"
"Fatima Al Hayek? " "Here"
"Ali Abdul Olmi?" "Here"
"Mohammed Bin Kadir?" "Here"
"Ali Son al En — *silence in the classroom.*
"Ali Son al En" — *continued silence as everyone looked around the room.*
*The teacher repeated the call.*
*A girl stood up and said*: "Sorry teacher. I think that's me. It's pronounced Alison Allen."

School Punishments

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny,Pat?"
"I just saw one of your garters!"
"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!"
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"
"I just saw both of your garters!"
Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!"
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
"Where do you think you're going?" she asks.
"From what I just saw, my school days are over!"

The Tallest Boy

As the Principal made his rounds during the first day of school, he could hear a terrible commotion coming from one of the classrooms.
He quickly rushed in and spotted one boy, much taller than the others, who appeared to be making the most noise.
He seized the lad, dragged him to the hall, and told him to remain there until he was excused.
Returning to the classroom, the Principal restored order and lectured the students for quite some time on the importance of good behavior.
"Now," he said, "are there any questions?"
One girl stood up timidly and asked, "Yes, sir. May we please have our teacher back?"

Joke I came up with when I was ten

So a student walks into his classroom early and approaches the teacher.
He says: "I just wanted to tell you that I couldn't do my homework last night"
The teacher asks: "Why not?"
The students replies: "Because I ran out"
Teacher: "Of notebook paper?"
Student: "No, of toilet paper"
Teacher: "What does that have to do with anything?"
Student: "I had to improvise"
It's a really bad joke but I remember my parents thought it was funny.

Great Minds...

A teacher says to her classroom: "There are 3 birds sitting on a fence. You shoot one of the birds...how many birds are left?"
Kid raises his hand and says "None...if you shoot one of the birds, the noise will scare the other two and they'll fly away" The teacher says, "Well that's not the answer we're looking for but I like the way you think!". The kid replies: "Hey Teach, I've got one for you: Three women are sitting on a park bench, all eating Popsicles. The 1st one is l**... hers, the 2nd one is s**... hers, and the 3rd one is biting hers...Which one is married?"
The teacher replies "I don't know: The one that's s**... hers?", and the kid replies "No: The one with the wedding band, but I like the way you think too!"

A 4th grade '49ers fan in Dallas

The scene is a 4th grade classroom in Dallas, Texas. The teacher asks for a show of hands:
"Hey kids, how many of you are Dallas Cowboys fans?"
Everyone in the class raises their hand, except for little Suzy. The teacher says:
"Little Suzy, I notice you didn't raise your hand. Why is that?" Little Suzy responds:
"Because I'm a 49ers fan!"
"A 49ers fan?," the teacher asks incredulously, "Why on Earth are you a 49ers fan?"
"Because my Mommy is a 49ers fan, my Daddy is a 49ers fan, so I'm a 49ers fan."
The teacher doesn't like Suzy's answer:
"Little Suzy, that's no kind of logic. What if your Daddy was a drug dealer and your Mommy was a p**...?"
Suzy doesn't blink an eye:
"Well then I'd be a Raiders fan!"

Classroom Joke

For class every student must research a natural disaster. So after everyone gets their topic, the teacher asks them what they chose.
"What did you get, Jimmy?"
"Hurricanes."
"What did you get, Thomas?"
"Earthquakes."
"What did you get, Karl?"
"US Congress."

An uneducqted p**... goes by an elementary school.

She hears a class in progress and is interested. She approaches the classroom window and hears the teacher "..What comes after N?" "P!" The children shout in unison. The teacher continues "Now can someone tell me what comes after P" the p**... in a fit of excitement burst out "BURNING!"

Why is your cat at school?

Jimmy walks in his classroom with his cat. Then the teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy sobbing replied, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
*love

Before we left the room, our teacher told us all to pick up at least one piece of trash on our way out.

So as I walked out the classroom, I looked at her and said "Hey baby, here's my number, call me."

Poor Tommy

The teacher asked her class to write down on a piece of paper the type of work their daddies did.
The children, very excitedly, scribbled their answers
One by one, the teacher asked each child to stand and describe the job.

There was much laughter and screaming, apart from, that is little Tommy.
"Tommy, why do you look so sad?" asked the teacher.
Tommy slowly rose to his feet, and replied: "my dads a stripper in a gay bar".
The other children remained silent as Tommy continued:
"Sometimes, he doesn't come home, and my mummy sits crying, sometimes he sells his body for other mens pleasure."
There were gasps around the classroom, the teacher acted quickly and dismissed the children, telling them to go outside and play.
She then walked up to Tommy, put her arm around him, and asked "is that all true Tommy?
"No not at all miss. He really plays rugby for England, but i was too embarrassed to say"

The German Dream

A student was listening to his teacher while they prepare to discuss about "The American Dream", the teacher was going around the classroom asking what everyone thought it meant, then the teacher asked the exchange student if they had their own version of "The American Dream" on their country. The German exchange student replied "We did before, but the world didn't like it."

A Former Sergeant In The Marine Corps Took A New Job As A High School Teacher

A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.
Just before the school year started, he injured his back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
Dead silence... the rest of the year went very smoothly :)

I'm a teacher...

Today I had a new student in my class.
I asked him his name, and he said his name was Ben, and that he has just moved from Germany.
So I asked him how old he was, and he said "9!" So I slapped him. I will not tolerate insolence in my classroom.

Billy and Tommy are in a classroom

Billy gets up to go ask the teacher a question, when he runs into Tommy along the way.
Billy: What are you going up to ask?
Tommy: I wanted to know what the word coincidence means.
Billy: Wow that's funny, I was just about to go ask the same question.

Biology Lesson

A little girl raised her hand during a biology lesson and asked the teacher if her grandmother could have a baby.
The teacher surprised by the question explains that her grandmother would be too old to have a baby.
The little girl followed that up by asking if her mother could have a baby.
The teacher explains that although it was possible her mother is a bit old now so it was unlikely she would have a baby.
The little girl then asked "can I have a baby?"
"Of course not, you're much too young to have a baby" replied the teacher.
"See!" Said a voice at the back of the classroom. "I told you that you didn't have anything to worry about!"

Little Johnny in the classroom..

One day, a teacher asked her students, "if you think you are s**..., please stand up." No one thought they were s**..., so they remained sitting. She asked again, "if you think you are s**..., please stand up." Little Johnny stood up, and everyone around him started laughing. The teacher asked "now why did you think you are s**...?" Little Johnny replied, "I don't, but I didn't wanna see you standing there all by yourself."

Hospital and Cop

*In class*
Teacher: "Jay, why are you down today?"
Jay: "Because my mom is at the hospital and my dad's at the police station."
Teacher: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, dear. Do you want to go home?"
Jay: "Yes, please."
After Jay has left the classroom, the teacher asks the other classmates, "Why is Jay's father at the police station and his mother at the hospital?"
Classmate: "Because his father is a policeman and his mom's a nurse."

Johnny, could you please come up here and count to ten?

The teacher asked Johnny to come up to the front of the classroom and count to ten
Teacher: "What are waiting for Johnny?"
Johnny took a deep breath
Johnny: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5..."
Suddenly Johnny burst out crying and the teacher came running to him
Teacher: What's wrong Johnny, why did you stop at 5?
Johnny: "Because I feel so bad for 6!"
Teacher: "Why do you feel bad for it?"
Johnny: " O-On the news this m-morning it said '6 died in major car c**...'"

Little Peter was on his classroom

his the teacher asks, if I have five birds on a branch and I throw a stone to one of them, how many I have left ...
None teacher ... ..
Why not Peter? ....
no teacher because the others fly away from the fright ....
That's wrong Peter but I like your way of thinking ......
The next day Peter goes to his teacher and ask her, now I am going to ask a question, if you see two women eating an ice cream and one of them is s**... and the other is biting, which one who is married ???? ....
After a little thought the teacher says a little confused, I guess the one who is s**... ...
No teacher, the one with the ring, but I like the way you think ...

A teacher asked in a class full of blondes who killed Abraham Lincoln

A student said It wasn't me
Second blonde said I was absent yesterday
Another blonde I couldn't kill a fly and you ask me if I killed a human being
The teacher frustratingly left the classroom and head to the principal,whose happen to be blonde.
She heard the story and went to the class.
She left the classroom and asked the teacher are you sure the killer in this class?

Little Johnny at his finest

Teacher: Ok class, if any student here is a m**..., please stand up.
*Silence fills the classroom for a couple of seconds until Little Johnny, sitting all the way at the back of the classroom, stands up*
Teacher: Oh look, Little Johnny stood up! Not surprising, considering you're the dumbest student in the whole class. Tell me, Little Johnny, why did you stand up? You do realize, you're admitting to the whole class that you're a m**...? You know that, right?
Little Johnny: I'm not standing up to let everyone know I'm a m**.... I'm only doing it to make you feel better, since you're standing alone.

A teacher does a classroom experiment

The teacher has three jars, one filled with alcohol, one filled with cigarette smoke, and one filled with soil.
The teacher puts a few worms in each jar and says to the students we'll see which jar is thriving tomorrow.
The next day the worms in the jars with the alcohol and cigarette smoke are dead while the worms in the jar of the soil are alive and well. The teacher asks the students what they've learned from the experience. One student raises his hand and says, well if I drink and smoke I won't have worms in me.

Three kids walk into a classroom...

The White girl enters. The teacher says "Do an essay", and the girl is finished in 45 minutes
The Asian girl enters. The teacher says "Do an essay", and the girl is finished in 35 minutes
The Mexican girl enters. The teacher says "Do an essay", and the girl is finished in 5 minutes

I don't fuss over the difference between "can" and "may" like other English teachers.

In fact, once a student asked me this: "Can you give me an example of future progressive tense?"
I responded with "Certainly. I will be seeing you after class."
He must have wanted another example, as he was still standing in my classroom when I arrived the next day.

A 6th-grade teacher posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic classes:

A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars.
One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity.
Now, what does each get?
After a very long silence in the classroom, one little boy raised his hand.
With complete sincerity in his voice, answered, A lawyer!

My high school English teacher was so mean!

She would walk around the classroom and stop to ask students random grammar questions. I remember this one time she was walking by my desk and she stopped, pointed at me and said "Quick, name 2 pronouns!"
Startled, I looked at her and replied "who, me?"

A teacher is giving a lesson when suddenly she hears someone scream outside the classroom.

She rushes out the door to find one of her students on the ground crying.
Teacher: Oh my God, what happened?!
Student: Someone just pulled a gun on me and tried to rob me!
Teacher: Oh my God, are you okay?
Student: Yes. All they took was my homework.

Little Johnny and classmates are asked to bring an edible item to the classroom...

"So, Mary, what did you bring today?", the teacher asks.
"An apple. We love apples at home."
"Great, what about you, Annie?"
"I brought a PB & Jelly sandwich. It's so yummy!"
"Everybody loves those... and you, what did you bring today?"
Little Johnny opens his backpack and grabs a light bulb.
"Johnny, why did you bring a light bulb? That's not an edible item..." says the teacher.
"Well, not in your home. But yesterday night I heard my dad tell my mom 'turn the light off. Now you're going to s**... it.'"

The Last Exam

(Sorry for terrible formatting and grammar)
A Philosophy teacher was handing out empty papers for the last exam of the year. The students had one simple task to complete,
They had to convince their teacher that the chair he had placed on the middle of the classroom didn't exist.
After 40 minutes, students returned their answer sheets. All of them had complex sentences and long paragraphs except one.
It had a single sentence.
What chair?
He was the only one to pass the exam.

Johnny goes to school on the first day of second grade

Johnny goes to school on the first day of second grade. The teacher asks each student to say their name.
Johnny replies, "my name is Johnny Fuckhour".
The teacher immediately scolds him and tells him that such language will not be tolerated.
"But that's my name," he protests. "If you don't believe me, go ask my brother in the fifth grade."
So the teacher marches him over to the fifth grade classroom and asks the fifth grade teacher, "do you have a Fuckhour in here?"
One of the students replies, "oh, no, we don't even have a nap time."

A teacher would always enter the classroom with a v**... joke

The girls decided that next time he does it they would all leave the room. Now the teacher caught wind of this plot and when the day came, he said: it turns out that there is a boatload of w**... that are going to Africa at this all the girls start to leave the teacher stops them by saying hey, hey ladies! The boat leaves next week

A teacher is about to sing a song he made for his students

He then started:
-Joe, kiss my toe! Ferdinand, kiss my hand!
He abruptly stops singing and asks:
Why are you leaving the classroom, Patrick?

Classroom situation

Teacher: There are three birds sitting on a fence, you shoot two of them how many birds are there now?
Pupil: Zero.
Teacher: Why zero?
Pupil: Because all the birds flew away when they heard the shots.
Teacher: No there is one left, but i like the way your thinking.
Pupil: Can I ask you a question now?
Teacher: Yes.
Pupil: Three women are sitting on a bench eating ice cream, one of them bites her ice cream, the other one licks her ice cream, the third one s**... on her ice cream. Who's married?
Teacher: The one who s**... on her ice cream.
Pupil: Wrong, the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way your thinking.

A teacher told the students, "The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early."

A teacher told the students, "The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early."
Suddenly, a pen came flying across to room, practically hitting the teacher in the face.
"Who threw that?!" the teacher shouted angrily.
"Me!" piped up a voice from the back of the classroom. "Can I leave now?"

A string gets t**...

A string walks into a classroom. The teacher sees the string, then ties it between two posts tightly. Did the teacher do a good job teaching?


Yes, because the string was taut.

Frank farts in the classroom and his teacher gets really upset and throws him out.

He goes and sits outside the class and can't stop laughing. The principle walks by and sees him. He asks, Frank, why are you sitting outside your class laughing?"
I f**... in class and the teacher threw me out. The principle asks him again, Well then, why are you laughing?
Because those idiots are sitting in the class smelling my f**... while I'm outside in the fresh air."

Two boys are arguing when the teacher enters the classroom. The teacher says, What are you two arguing about?

One boy answers, We found a ten-dollar bill and decided whoever tells the biggest lie gets to keep it.
You two should be ashamed of yourselves, said the teacher. When I was your age, I didn't even know what a lie was. The boys looked at each other and handed the ten dollars to the teacher.

A teacher told his students, "The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early."

Suddenly, a pen came flying across to room, practically hitting the teacher in the face.
"Who threw that?!" the teacher shouted, angrily.
"Me!" piped up a voice from the back of the classroom. "Can I leave now?"

A joke from my grandfather

In a kindergarten classroom in Moscow in 1980:
Teacher: The Soviet Union is the heaven where you always have food to fill your stomach and your parents have a job and everyone is happy.
Student named Mikhail: Teacher I want to go to the Soviet Union.

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I"?

In the classroom the teacher is asking a student to do something.
Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with "I."
Student: I is the ...
Teacher: Stop! Never put "is" after "I." Always put 'am' after "I."
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

A teacher teaches class on drug a**...

He walks into the classroom, draws a big circle and a small circle on the blackboard and asks: What are these?
As nobody answers, he says: The big circle is your eye pupil, when you're clean, and the small circle is your eye pupil, when you're high! If the police see this, they put you in jail…
Then he proceeds to draw a small circle and a big circle and asks: What are these? . Nobody answers…
He points to the small circle and says: This is your a**..., before you go to jail….

Make a sentence with Defence, Defeat and Detail...

Little Johnny was back from his summer break where he'd toured the Italian countryside.
The language teacher wanting to spur grey matter in the classroom asked the children to make a sentence with defence, defeat and detail.
After a few minutes of silence Little Johnny raised his hand and hesitantly spoke:
"Well... de horse jumped over de fence and de feet got tangled in de tail..."

Funny Classroom Jokes

Teacher to student: Make a sentence using the word I
Student: I is..
Teacher: No that is not correct, you should say I am
Student: Ok. I am the ninth letter in the Alphabet !

Late for school

Johnny was late for school one day and when he arrived in his classroom the teacher asked why he was late.
Well replied Johnny, I had to take our cow to the neighbor's farm to mate with his bull . Couldn't your father take care of that? asked the teacher. To which Johnny replied, the cow prefers the bull.

It was terrible, moaned John upon entering the classroom a half hour late.

I left with plenty of time to arrive at school on time, but it was so slippery that every step I took, I slipped two steps back.
Well, said the teacher, with a suspicious look on his face, how in the world did you get here at all?
Well, replied the student, finally after twenty minutes I gave up and started heading home!

Artist

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She walked around to look at the artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, I'm drawing God. The teacher paused and said, But no one knows what God looks like. Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, They will in a minute.

Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her classes:

"A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?"
After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher called on Little Johnny for his answer.
With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Johnny answered, "A lawyer!"