Classic Jokes

Following is our collection of antique puns and classical one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Classic jokes for adults, dirty iconic jokes and clean spinoff dad gags for kids.

The Best Classic Puns

Why is Pavlov's hair so soft?

Classic conditioning.

classic germans

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?"

"No, just here for a few days."

Hollywood is remaking Brokeback Mountain with Margot Robbie and Emma Watson

On the one hand, I hate that they have to remake all the classic movies with female leads as if that somehow makes them better. On the other hand, lotion.

The other day I saw Denzel Washington walking down the street.

I shouted to him ,"Hey Denzel!" He responded, "Does every black man look like Denzel Washington to you?"

Classic Denzel.

Classic dad joke, but in bad taste

So we were having a family dinner for the first time in a while.
My mum was saying how terrible the situation in Nepal is, when my Dad says "it's nepalling isn't it?"
I had a good laugh, feeling guilty after :(


What classic game do Hawaiian kids love the most?

The floor is lava.

Why did Batman rush to the Bat Cave?

He had to go to the Bat Room.

[an old classic]

Here's a classic jewish joke.

A mother brings her son two new ties as a birthday gift for her adult son. Later, in the evening the two meet for dinner and the son is wearing one of the ties. His mother takes one look at him and says, You didn't like the other tie?

My classic blasphemy joke in honor of the occasion...

A priest, a pedophile and a rapist walk into a bar.

He sits down and orders a drink.

Captain Hook is claiming that he was sexually assaulted by his first mate some years ago.

It's a classic case of he said, Smee said.

Why did Mr Ohm marry Mrs Ohm?

Because he couldn't resistor.


Batman told me he was skipping church this week.

Classic Christian Bale

Classic.

Q: If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have?

A: Big hands.

Was in a pub the other day...

Was in a pub the other day as one of the patrons was teliing the classic "What do you do if an epileptic person has a fit in the bath? Throw in the washing!" as a big burly guy walks over and says, "I don't think that's funny. My brother was epileptic and died in the bath."
"Sorry, did he drown?"
"No. He choked on a sock."

This is My "classic" joke

A Catholic Priest, a Rabbi, and an Atheist walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Oh Goddammit, no! We don't like jokes in here and if you guys are a part of one, you're gonna have to leave right now!" So the catholic priest, rabbi, and atheist leave the bar and a chicken walks in. The bartender says, "OH COME ON! We don't serve CHICKENS in here!" The chicken says, "Do you know somewhere that does?" The bartender says, "Yeah.." The chicken asks, "Well, where is it?" The bartender says, "It's across the road."

A classic from my grandfather.

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

Unique up on it.


How do you catch a tame rabbit?

Tame way. Unique up on it.

Q: April showers bring May flowers. What do May flowers bring?

A: Separatists and small pox.

When I first started playing chess, I thought the castle could move diagonally.

Classic rook-y mistake.

Classic church joke

An old couple was sitting in church when the wife says, "I just let out a silent fart. What should I do?" Her husband responded, "Change the batteries in your hearing aids."


Classic

Why'd the mushroom go to the party?

Cause he's a fungi!

Why'd the fungi leave the party?

Cause there wasn't mushroom!

Just witnessed this classic on the bus

Passenger: Which bus are you?
Driver: I'm not a bus, I'm the driver.

Two classical musicians had sex for the first time together.

Woman: "That's a pretty small organ you're playing down there."

Man: "Well, I didn't know I would be performing in Carnegie Hall tonight."

I asked a German the other day if he wanted to hear a joke...

I had the classic "How many ____ does it take to change a lightbulb" joke in mind.... But before I got to tell it,

He responded, "Nine"... How did he know?!?!

A classic

Two scientists walk into a bar.

The first says, "I'll have some H2O." The second says, "I'll have a glass of water too. Why did you say H2O? It's the end of the day and there's no need to talk about work."

The first scientist stares at his drink, angry that his assassination plan has failed.

A Classic joke from India

Ajay comes crying to his father after school. His father noticed he is covered in bruises, just completely beaten black and blue. So he asked his sone what happened. Ajay tells him the teacher pointed pointed a ruler at me and said At the end of this ruler is an idiot.

So His dad said

So I said which side

Who decided to call it "Dwayne Johnson's Wrestling Career" instead of...

Classic Rock?

Another classic Dutch Bakerjoke

* A dog walks into a bakery
* Baker: How can I help you?
* Dog: Woof!
* Baker: Anything else?
* Dog: Bark!
* Baker: That'll be 12 Euro's. Do you want a receipt?
* Dog: No.

why was the computer late to work?

because it had a hard drive! (stole it from ellen, from her classic joke tuesday)

Classic. I'd be surprised if this was not posted already.

One afternoon the teacher asked the Johnny Can you explain what oxidation is? He replied No my science is a little rusty.

Have you seen that old movie about the KKK?

I hear it's a real cult classic.

Did you hear about the homeless artist who got turned down in his submission for a classic string toy rebranding?

It was a no-go hobo yo-yo logo.

Told a stranger on a bus that I liked rhetorical questions.

He said, "Who cares?"
I said, "that's a classic!"

A classic joke from Ronald Regan (Not exactly accurate)

There are two Russians in the Soviet Union talking to each other and a curfew is about to be enforced

The two men say goodbye to each other and just as they do a soviet soldier walks over to the both of them and shoots one of the men dead

The other man says Why did you shoot him?

The soldier says I'm his friend I know where he lives he wouldn't have made it home in time

Original & Classic Winston Churchill (not my retort)

Lady Astor said to Churchill, "If you were my husband, I'd poison your tea," to which he responded, "Madam, if you were my wife, I'd drink it!"

They say classical music was written to speak through the ages

Bach to the future.

A patient came in today saying he felt paranoid and like people were watching him.

I dunno if I buy it though, he looked pretty relaxed in the bath this morning.

*classic Frankie boyle*

What do you get when you cross hard alcohol with a classic American novel?

Tequil-a Mockinbird

In the classic story of the tortoise and the hare, what was the tortoise's name?

Winslow.

On an average, Women live 2 years more than men.

Another classic male attribute. Always finishing before women.

Classic Cajun joke my grandpa told me.

So Boudreaux and Thibodeaux are heading to the bayou to check the trot lines. Boudreaux hooks his truck to his boat trailer and connects the trailer lights.

He says, "Thibodeaux, Check to see if my brake lights are working!"

As Boudreaux presses the brakes, Thibodeaux says, "Yea, they workin!"

Boudreaux turns on the right blinker and says, "Alright how about my blinkers?"

Thibodeaux says, "Yes, no, yes, no, yes!"

In the interest of of trying to make the classic doll more realistic, and easier for children to identify with, a new version is about to be released called "Divorced Barbie"

She comes with all of Ken's stuff too.

If you really don't want someone to do something, tell them to do it, then scream "YGOLOHCYSP".

Classic reverse psychology.

If you've heard of Post Malone maybe you've heard of Ho Malone

It's this classic movie about a young boy who gets left behind by his family at Christmas and has to defend his house from burglars.

A man walks the streets of London

He sees a begar with wooden leg and thinks: a criple, classic... But then he sees that he has a tag: Falkland veteran. The men remembers what was that about and tells himself: This man fought for me, when i was lying at home. So he gives the begar ten pounds.
And the begar answers: Gracias senor, gracias.

What is a classical singer's big break?

An opera-tunity.

A classical musician bought a Stradivari violin

Now he is quite Baroque.

Reindeer joke!

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer passed away today at the age of 57. He was struck by a 747 jet liner and a flock of seagulls as he flew over Barcelona. Coroners say that the reindeer in Spain was hit mainly by the plane.

I have three knees, my left Knee, my right knee...

And my WEE-KNEE!!!!! Classic

Did you hear about the broken watch from the 1800's?

It was a timeless classic.

Did you hear about the guy who was obsessed with building HOV lanes through mountains?

Did you hear about the guy who was obsessed with building HOV lanes through mountains?

Classic case of carpool tunnel syndrome

Thomas Edison stole the design for a film-playing box from Tesla. Tesla confronted Edison about it, but instead of apologizing he accused Tesla of trying to steal his idea.

Classic case of projection

Classic joke from Norm MacDonald: I quit smoking and nothing much is different. Except I can taste my food. I went to a friend's place for dinner and I was like... What's this zingy, zangy thing you're serving me here? Never tasted anything so zingy and zangy.

... A boiled potato, eh? Huh.

This one's a classic from my dad: Did you know beer makes you smarter?

It made Budweiser.

A classic Soviet joke

(Setting: 1980 Olympics)

Leonid Ilyich Brezhnev began reading his opening speech.

"O!" - the crowd applauses.

"O!" - another round of applause and cheer comes from the audience.

"O!" - the entire audience body stands up and begins clapping.

A secretary comes to Brezhnev and says, "Dear Leonid Ilyich, these are Olympic logo rings; you don't need to read all of them!"

What do classical pianists use to remember their groceries?

A Chopin Liszt.

A teacher has his students write an essay on, "What is bravery?" - one kid's entire essay was:

"That first time when this joke was told and one kid turned in his essay and it just said *"This is"* on it. That was classic!"

Which classical composer is best at playing hide and seek?

Haydn. [OC]

What's a classic Russian sci-fi film?

Czar Wars

There is an abundance of vintage jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 58 funniest jokes and classic puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any favorites witze you can hear about classic.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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