Following is our collection of antique puns and classical one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Classic jokes for adults, dirty iconic jokes and clean spinoff dad gags for kids.
Classic conditioning.
Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?"
"No, just here for a few days."
On the one hand, I hate that they have to remake all the classic movies with female leads as if that somehow makes them better. On the other hand, lotion.
I shouted to him ,"Hey Denzel!" He responded, "Does every black man look like Denzel Washington to you?"
Classic Denzel.
So we were having a family dinner for the first time in a while.
My mum was saying how terrible the situation in Nepal is, when my Dad says "it's nepalling isn't it?"
I had a good laugh, feeling guilty after :(
The floor is lava.
He had to go to the Bat Room.
[an old classic]
A mother brings her son two new ties as a birthday gift for her adult son. Later, in the evening the two meet for dinner and the son is wearing one of the ties. His mother takes one look at him and says, You didn't like the other tie?
A priest, a pedophile and a rapist walk into a bar.
He sits down and orders a drink.
It's a classic case of he said, Smee said.
Because he couldn't resistor.
Classic Christian Bale
Q: If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have?
A: Big hands.
Was in a pub the other day as one of the patrons was teliing the classic "What do you do if an epileptic person has a fit in the bath? Throw in the washing!" as a big burly guy walks over and says, "I don't think that's funny. My brother was epileptic and died in the bath."
"Sorry, did he drown?"
"No. He choked on a sock."
A Catholic Priest, a Rabbi, and an Atheist walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Oh Goddammit, no! We don't like jokes in here and if you guys are a part of one, you're gonna have to leave right now!" So the catholic priest, rabbi, and atheist leave the bar and a chicken walks in. The bartender says, "OH COME ON! We don't serve CHICKENS in here!" The chicken says, "Do you know somewhere that does?" The bartender says, "Yeah.." The chicken asks, "Well, where is it?" The bartender says, "It's across the road."
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way. Unique up on it.
A: Separatists and small pox.
Classic rook-y mistake.
An old couple was sitting in church when the wife says, "I just let out a silent fart. What should I do?" Her husband responded, "Change the batteries in your hearing aids."
Why'd the mushroom go to the party?
Cause he's a fungi!
Why'd the fungi leave the party?
Cause there wasn't mushroom!
Passenger: Which bus are you?
Driver: I'm not a bus, I'm the driver.
Woman: "That's a pretty small organ you're playing down there."
Man: "Well, I didn't know I would be performing in Carnegie Hall tonight."
I had the classic "How many ____ does it take to change a lightbulb" joke in mind.... But before I got to tell it,
He responded, "Nine"... How did he know?!?!
Two scientists walk into a bar.
The first says, "I'll have some H2O." The second says, "I'll have a glass of water too. Why did you say H2O? It's the end of the day and there's no need to talk about work."
The first scientist stares at his drink, angry that his assassination plan has failed.
Ajay comes crying to his father after school. His father noticed he is covered in bruises, just completely beaten black and blue. So he asked his sone what happened. Ajay tells him the teacher pointed pointed a ruler at me and said At the end of this ruler is an idiot.
So His dad said
So I said which side
Classic Rock?
* A dog walks into a bakery
* Baker: How can I help you?
* Dog: Woof!
* Baker: Anything else?
* Dog: Bark!
* Baker: That'll be 12 Euro's. Do you want a receipt?
* Dog: No.
because it had a hard drive! (stole it from ellen, from her classic joke tuesday)
One afternoon the teacher asked the Johnny Can you explain what oxidation is? He replied No my science is a little rusty.
I hear it's a real cult classic.
It was a no-go hobo yo-yo logo.
He said, "Who cares?"
I said, "that's a classic!"
There are two Russians in the Soviet Union talking to each other and a curfew is about to be enforced
The two men say goodbye to each other and just as they do a soviet soldier walks over to the both of them and shoots one of the men dead
The other man says Why did you shoot him?
The soldier says I'm his friend I know where he lives he wouldn't have made it home in time
Lady Astor said to Churchill, "If you were my husband, I'd poison your tea," to which he responded, "Madam, if you were my wife, I'd drink it!"
Bach to the future.
I dunno if I buy it though, he looked pretty relaxed in the bath this morning.
*classic Frankie boyle*
Tequil-a Mockinbird
Winslow.
Another classic male attribute. Always finishing before women.
So Boudreaux and Thibodeaux are heading to the bayou to check the trot lines. Boudreaux hooks his truck to his boat trailer and connects the trailer lights.
He says, "Thibodeaux, Check to see if my brake lights are working!"
As Boudreaux presses the brakes, Thibodeaux says, "Yea, they workin!"
Boudreaux turns on the right blinker and says, "Alright how about my blinkers?"
Thibodeaux says, "Yes, no, yes, no, yes!"
She comes with all of Ken's stuff too.
Classic reverse psychology.
It's this classic movie about a young boy who gets left behind by his family at Christmas and has to defend his house from burglars.
He sees a begar with wooden leg and thinks: a criple, classic... But then he sees that he has a tag: Falkland veteran. The men remembers what was that about and tells himself: This man fought for me, when i was lying at home. So he gives the begar ten pounds.
And the begar answers: Gracias senor, gracias.
An opera-tunity.
Now he is quite Baroque.
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer passed away today at the age of 57. He was struck by a 747 jet liner and a flock of seagulls as he flew over Barcelona. Coroners say that the reindeer in Spain was hit mainly by the plane.
And my WEE-KNEE!!!!! Classic
It was a timeless classic.
Did you hear about the guy who was obsessed with building HOV lanes through mountains?
Classic case of carpool tunnel syndrome
Classic case of projection
... A boiled potato, eh? Huh.
It made Budweiser.
(Setting: 1980 Olympics)
Leonid Ilyich Brezhnev began reading his opening speech.
"O!" - the crowd applauses.
"O!" - another round of applause and cheer comes from the audience.
"O!" - the entire audience body stands up and begins clapping.
A secretary comes to Brezhnev and says, "Dear Leonid Ilyich, these are Olympic logo rings; you don't need to read all of them!"
A Chopin Liszt.
"That first time when this joke was told and one kid turned in his essay and it just said *"This is"* on it. That was classic!"
Haydn. [OC]
Czar Wars
There is an abundance of vintage jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 58 funniest jokes and classic puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any favorites witze you can hear about classic.
Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.