Clasping Jokes
15 clasping jokes and hilarious clasping puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about clasping that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Clasping Short Jokes
Short clasping jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The clasping humour may include short jokes also.
- Did you hear about the vintage attaché with a perfectly working clasp? It was a classic open-and-shut case.
- My mouth hurts, my wife clasped my lips close using a metal utensil that has two arms. Friend: Why didn't you say anything?
I was tong-tied.
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Clasping One Liners
Which clasping one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with clasping? I can suggest the ones about and .
- If your'e anxious and you know it..... ...clasp your hands.
Clasping Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about clasping you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make clasping pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A priest and a farmer are playing a round of golf.
On the first hole, the priest clasps his hands, says a prayer and shoots a hole-in-one.
When it's the farmers turn, he shoots and the ball ends up in the woods.
The farmer is furious and screams: "g**... I missed".
The priest tells him "If you curse one more time, god will punish you".
On the second hole, the priest clasps his hands, says a prayer and shoots another hole-in-one.
When it's the farmers turn, he shoots and this ball also ends up in the woods.
He screams "g**... I missed"
A loud rumble is heard and lightning strikes the *priest*.
Shortly after, a voice is heard from above the clouds saying "g**... I missed"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
3 men are captured by a group of Indians
The Indians tell the men were going to kill you, skin you, and turn your skin into canoes. You have 3 options, we can burn you, drown you, or hang you.
First guy says, hang me. So they hang him, skin him, turn him into a canoe.
Second guy says, down me. So they drown him, skin him, turn him into a canoe.
Third guy says, I have 1 wish. A fork. So they bring him a fork. He clasps the fork in his hand and says, I don't care how you kill me… he starts vigorously stabbing himself …but to h**... with your canoe!
Steve asked the preacher to pray for his hearing.
After a few minutes of fervent prayer with his hands clasped over Steve's ears the entire time, he stopped and asked, "How's your hearing now?" Steve replied, "I don't know. It's coming up this Tuesday at the courthouse."
A pirate captain was sailing to Antarctica in search of treasure.
One morning, his first mate woke him.
Captain, the ship won't move! The ocean is frozen solid!
The pirate captain rose from his bed, yawned, and stretched. After a good scratch, he put on his boots and coat, and strode out of his quarters.
As he arrived at the bow of the ship, his men gathered around in nervous anticipation. He pulled out his pocket telescope and took a good, long look around the entire horizon. He collapsed his telescope, placed it back in his pocket, and clasped his hands behind his back. After some time, he tipped his head down toward his first mate and said:
Ice sea.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An atheist is walking through the woods
and he is suddenly set upon by a bear. He falls to the ground, and in his panic, calls out "Oh God, help!"
And suddenly time freezes, and a light shines upon him, and a voice calls out from on high: "**YES?**"
The atheist is a might surprised but manages to respond: "Well God, I never really believed in you, and it feels dishonest to ask for your help now, but could you do me a favor, and make the bear religious?"
"**YES, I COULD DO THAT**"
And there is a flash of light, and when the Atheist's vision clears, he see the bear kneeling over him, its paws clasped together.
"What are you doing?" asks the atheist.
"Praying over my dinner."
A woman has been having stomach pain for the past week...
A woman goes to the doctor complaining of stomach cramps. Once she reaches the doctor, he tells her they'll need to run a few tests. At the end of the visit, he says she must come back in a week, when the results come in. Once she enters his office, he says, "Well, I hope you're ready for many sleepless nights of crying and changing dirty diapers!"
"Wow, you mean I'm pregnant?" the woman asks excitedly, clasping her hands.
"No, you have inoperable bowel cancer."
An atheist was...
..walking through the forest, admiring the beauty of nature when suddenly, a feral bear came out of nowhere. He ran away and the bear chased him into a corner. Just before the bear could attack him, the atheist yelled "OH GOD PLEASE HELP ME!!!". Time stopped, the heavens opened and a voice came from heaven. God said "I thought you didn't believe in me?". The atheist replied "I still don't...until you do something for me." God entertained the atheist's request and asked if the atheist wanted to become a believer and be saved. The atheist thought hard about it and asked God to turn the bear into a Christian, since the Christians he knew were not violent people. Then God replied with a "IT IS DONE.", the heavens closed and time resumed. The bear paused in his attack and the atheist let out a sigh of relief. Then the bear knelt down, clasped its paws together and began to say grace.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A pilgrim is walking through the woods when he comes across a hungry bear....
...the pilgrim then drops to his knees on the trail and claspes his hands together to pray for salvation. To his surprise . . . so did the bear! Greatly heartened by this, the pilgrim then began to pray.
"Oh, Heavenly Father, please let this be a Christian bear! I don't want to be eaten by those evil n**... devil bears!
And the bear, to the great shock of the pilgrim, began to pray, too!
Kneeling there on the side of the road across from the pilgrim, paws clasped together, the bear prayed, "Oh, Heavenly Father! For this meal, which we are about to receive . . . we give thanks.
Two rabbis are at temple...
Two rabbis of great scholarly distinction are spending a quiet morning at Temple, enjoying peaceful contemplation in the near-empty building. Suddenly overwhelmed with spiritual exaltation, the first rabbi stands, and with his hands spread wide exclaimed, "Lord, I am nothing!", and with a deep breath, he sat back down. The second rabbi, feeling a similar rush of soul stirring, stood up, and with his hands clasped over his head and his eyes shut tight, proclaimed calmly "Lord, I am nothing." Sitting back down, both rabbis returned to their talmudic ruminations.
Near the front of the room was a volunteer cleaner, who had been sweeping up and saw both of the revered men make the profound statements. So overcome with emotion having just witnessed the most sublime of confessions from such great leaders of faith, he tossed down his broom, fell to his knees, and wailed "Oh LORD! I am nothing!"
The rabbis both looked up, startled out of meditation. The first rabbi looked at the second, and gesturing towards the cleaner with his eyebrows, said "So look who think's he's nothing."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A couple of women are playing golf on one sunny Saturday morning...
The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball veered off into a f**... of men. Indeed the ball hit one of the men who then immediately clasped his hand near his c**... and went into a fetal position. The women rushed to his side and started to apologize. She said "Please allow me to help, I'm a physical therapist, I can relieve your pain." he denies the help and continues to roll around in his fetal position. After minutes of begging the women is finally allowed to help the man. First she unzipps his pants and starts to massage him. Once she is done she asks, "how do you feel now?" the man replies "that felt great but my THUMB still hurts a lot!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
FOUR!
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a f**... of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground, and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist, and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position...still clasping his hands at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel?'
'Feels great,' he replied, 'but I still think my thumb's broken!'