The Best 86 Clap Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Clap jokes. There are some clap catcall jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these clap shaky puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Clap Jokes and Puns
Most people think that t-rexes can't clap because they have short arms
Actually it's because they are dead
Is syphilis forever?
Or is it kinda like... Clap on, Clap off?
Why can't the Tyrannosaurus Rex clap?
Because they're dead
If you're Jesus and you know it
Clap your hands....oh.
how often do i beat my wife?
Every time i clap my hands.
Did you hear about the prostitute with no hands?
At least she can't get the clap.
What do you call making your booty clap for likes and upvotes?
Social netwerking
My favorite Robin Williams joke
U2 is playing a concert in Scotland, and as a hush comes over the crowd, Bono starts clapping his hands above his head very slowly.
As he claps, he tells the crowd, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies." And a man stands up in the back of the room, and shouts "Then stop clappin' your hands!"
Thanks, Robin.
What's the best part of dating a one armed girl?
At least she probably won't give you the clap
Why can't a dog clap in the middle of a movie?
Because it keeps hitting pause.
What do you call gonorrhea that takes a long time to show up?
Slow clap.
You can explore clap whoop reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean clap madly dad jokes. There are also clap puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
What do you call a group of sorority girls/fraternity guys standing in a circle?
A round of applause
...because they all have the clap.
I've had the clap so much that it's turning into applause.
Why did the comedian go to doctor?
Because the audience gave him the clap
So I was fingering this girl, she said put 2 in so I did.
She said put your whole hand in so I did, next she demanded the other hand so I obliged. Finally she said "now clap your hands" I said "I can't" to which she replied "Pretty tight huh?"
Did you hear about the little guy compelled to clap in time whenever he was on the Paris underground?
He was a Métro gnome.
How do you make an orphans hands bleed?
Tell them to clap until daddy gets home
What has hands but can't clap?
Stephen Hawking
Why did Jeb Bush cross the road?
To get to the other side! ^^Please ^^Clap
If a kid with Down Syndrome gets Gonorrhea
Is it called "Slow Clap"?
What do Vegans who work in an intensive care unit eat?
The Vegetables.
/Slow Clap.
I'd really like to applaud my doctor. The symptoms of my gonorrhea are finally starting to go away.
::slow clap::
What do you get when you have sex with an STD infested mentally challenged person?
The slow clap
Angry after the primary season, Jeb Bush had sex with a hooker, hoping to give her gonorrhea...
Please clap.
If you get the clap a bunch of times...
...does it just become applause?
I love being a mosquito...
People always clap when I'm around!
Did you hear about the builder who could clap very loudly?
They always got him to raise the roof.
A women tells her lover to "Put two fingers in." So he does...
Then she says, "put your hand in." So he does.
Then she says, "Put your other hand in." So he does.
Then she says, "Now clap." And he says, "I can't".
And she says proudly, "Tight, huh?"
A police officer sees a beaten up woman laying on the ground with a man standing over her.
The woman is unconscious and clearly was injured.
"What happened to her?" asked the cop.
"The clap," said the man.
"The clap doesn't do that to people," said the cop.
"Well," said the man, "it does when you give it to me."
Why can't a T-Rex clap it's hands?
Because it's dead
Why was the T-Rex angry?
His arms were too short to sarcastically slow clap this terrible joke...
If you're an amputee and you know it
clap your hand!
Kissing lead to foreplay...
She liked it when I used one finger,
She: "Now use two fingers"
Me: "Yeah you like that?"
She: "Now stick your hand in..."
Me: "Oh babe, you're kinky"
She: "Two hands now..."
Me: 😦"okay...."
She: "Now clap...
Me: "I can't..."
She: 😏 "I'm tight, right?"
I got chlamydia from a person with special needs
She gave me the slow clap
What doesnt get wet when it rains?
The oceans
(The joke is the joke itself.)
Please clap.
Best part about watching golf
Is taking a nap and having people clap and cheer for you
Why can't a tyranosauras clap?
It's extinct.
Why do people clap at benefits?
They have applausable cause.
How do you save an epilectic man's marriage?
Replace all the light switches with clap ons
What do you call the STD that restricts arm movements?
[Slow hand clap]
Why can't mammoths clap?
Because they're extinct, stupid.
Why can't dinosaurs clap?
Because they died.
I always clap along to Pharrell Williams' song "Happy"
Because just like a room without a roof, I feel utterly and completely useless
In my world, a threesome is when I use both my right AND my left hand.
Problem is: together they gave me the clap.
Why can't a T-Rex clap it's hands?
Because they are extinct.
Who's the most clapped rock star?
Eric CLAPton.
Which STD is transmitted through sound...
The clap.
Yes this joke was just posted but I think my punchline is better.
A stand-up comedian tells a joke about a newly-discovered STI that takes ten years to show symptoms.
\* Slow clap *
Why can't the tyrannosaurus clap?
Because they're extinct.
I'm Full of Riddles.
Riddle A:
---
What is the longest word in the dictionary?
S**mile**s because there is a mile between the S's.
Riddle B:
---
What has hands but cannot clap?
A clock!
Riddle Cya L8ter:
---
How do you make the #1 disappear?
Add a **G** to it and it's G**one**.
Bye.
What did Jeb Bush say to his buttcheeks when he tried twerking?
Please Clap
I've had the clap at least 12 times
At this point it should really be called the applause
I used to clap at people when I would get into arguments but then my black co worker told me that that's cultural appropriation
So I changed my name to Darnell and started curling my hair
10 blondes and a brunette were hanging on a rope on the side of a cliff
However the rope cannot carry all 11, so one person has to be sacrificed. The brunette volunteers to sacrifice herself and proceeds to make a long touching speech. After she finishes, all the blondes clap and let go of the rope.
What's a comedian's favourite disease?
The Clap
A group of people, all of whom have the "clap", are sitting in a circle.
It was a round of applause.
Did I ever tell you the story of when I met the woman with the tightest vag ever?
She was bragging about it at a bar.
I told her I didn't believe her and to prove it.
She took me to her car and said, "Put a finger in" so I did.
Then she said "Put another finger in" so I did.
Then she said "Put your hand in" so I did.
Then she said "Put your other hand in" so I did that too.
The she said "Now clap" and I said "I CAN'T"
And she said "Tight ain't I ?"
Why do they call Chlamydia "The Clap"?
Because you're so happy it's not AIDS
Yo mamma so fat
That Thanos had to clap
Yo mama so fat...
Thanos had to clap to get rid of her
Your momma's so fat
Thanos had to clap
Just got back from the Zen VD clinic
Doc told me I have the one hand Clap.
If you're fully able bodied
Clap your hands..
If people clap after landing in a plane...
Why dont people clap after reaching a bus stop?
When I have gay sex it's like a drum set
Clap them cheeks like cymbals
Make him moan like a base drum
What would be a bad gift for an epileptic teenage boy?
Clap on lights
Clapping when the plane lands is the whitest thing ever
Because black people couldn't afford the plane tickets anyway
A young man is out for his first date with an older lady...
It goes very well, and they wind up in the back seat of his car, messing around.
"Put a finger in me..." she whispers.
"Okay.."
"Now put two fingers in..."
"Okay..."
"Put *four* in, baby..."
"Alright..."
"Now put your whole hand in!"
"Urgggh...! Okay..."
"Oh, yes! Now put your other hand in!"
"Uhhhhhrrrrg! Whew! Done!"
"Now clap!"
"Rrrrggghhh!!! I... I can't!"
"Tight, eh!?"
Why don't dinosaurs clap?
Because they're all dead
Why can't dinosaurs clap?
Cause they're dead.
A kid asks his mom:
- Mom, what's dark humor?
- Do you see that man without arms over there? Tell him to clap
- Mom! I'm blind....
- Exactly.
Why can't a trex clap?
It's dead
I gave my girlfriend a standing ovation...
and by that I mean the clap.
You let a sloth give you gonnorhea?!
*slow clap*
My friend asked me to explain dark humor to them
I pointed at a guy sitting on a park bench and said "See that guy with no hands on the bench? Tell him to clap".
They replied "Austin, you know I'm blind", to which I replied "Exactly"
Why can't T-Rexes clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
Can someone please clap?
That way I'm not the only one touching themselves tonight
You got gonorrhea from a sloth...?
*slow clap*
Why can't the T-Rex clap his hands?
Because he's dead.
I dated a skanky girl once who gave me the clap so many times...
I started referring to it as the applause.
If two people with clap have sex,
Is it considered a round of applause?
Why can't a T-Rex clap?
Because they're extinct, dumbass.
Why can't t-rexes clap their hands?
Because they're all dead.
Why can't dinosaurs clap their hands?
Cause they're dead.
What is an amputee's least favorite song?
If you're happy and you know it clap your hands
"Mom what's dark humor?"
"Do you see that guy over there without arms? Ask him to clap his hand"
"But mom I'm blind..."
"Exactly!"
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the clap smack jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working clap horizontal piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.