Clap Jokes
97 clap jokes and hilarious clap puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about clap that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article will help you learn the basics of clap jokes, giving you examples of different types of claps such as slow clap, clap back, clap std, slap, thwack, and whoop. Get ready to add some clever clap humor to your repertoire.
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Funniest Clap Short Jokes
Short clap jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The clap humour may include short applause jokes also.
- A boy asked his mom "Mom, What is dark humor?" The mom said to the boy "See that man with no hands? Tell him to clap."
The boy then said to his mom "But mom, you know I'm blind!" - I'm so proud of my son I asked him what the sound of one hand clapping is. He said "dunno" and walked off to his room, but I can hear him trying to figure it out.
- A stand-up comedian tells a joke about a newly-discovered STI that takes ten years to show symptoms. \* Slow clap *
- How do you know when an accordionist is playing well? Everyone in the bar starts clapping- their hands over their ears.
- A dad and son are sitting in a park Son asks, "Dad what is dark humour"
Dad, "Son see that man with no arms. Ask him to clap"
Son, "But dad I am blind"
Dad "I know" - Everyone clapped when the boy was rescued from the well. But I'm waiting to see if he found my phone.
- How was it like, flying for the first time? "I think I did quite well. Everybody in the room was clapping", the second mosquito said.
- Son walks up to his dad and asks: -Dad what is black humour?
-Well you see this man without arms standing there tell him to clap his hands
-Dad but I'm blind - 5 year old kid goes to his parents' room in the middle of the night Hey why y'all clapping at 3am?
- Did such a great job cutting down a tree yesterday The neighbours clapped as I took a bough
Share These Clap Jokes With Friends
Clap One Liners
Which clap one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with clap? I can suggest the ones about clam and cluck.
- Why can't dinosaurs clap their hands? Cause they're dead.
- What does a ginger do when he wants to high five a friend? He claps
- What do you call gonorrhea that takes a long time to show up? Slow clap.
- Why did the comedian go to doctor? Because the audience gave him the clap
- Why can't a dog clap in the middle of a movie? Because it keeps hitting pause.
- What has hands but can't clap? Stephen Hawking
- What is an amputee's least favorite song? If you're happy and you know it clap your hands
- I've had the clap at least 12 times At this point it should really be called the applause
- I love being a mosquito... People always clap when I'm around!
- Why did Jeb Bush cross the road? To get to the other side! ^^Please ^^Clap
- If you're Jesus and you know it Clap your hands....oh.
- Why do people clap at benefits? They have applausable cause.
- What is the sound of one hand clapping? Amputees anonymous
- Best part about watching golf Is taking a nap and having people clap and cheer for you
- I gave my girlfriend a standing ovation... and by that I mean the clap.
Clap Back Jokes
Here is a list of funny clap back jokes and even better clap back puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A son returns from the Vietnam war. His father clapped him on the back and told him he is a very fortunate son.
- Just got back from the Zen VD clinic Doc told me I have the one hand Clap.
Slow Clap Jokes
Here is a list of funny slow clap jokes and even better slow clap puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why was the T-Rex angry? His arms were too short to sarcastically slow clap this terrible joke...
- I'd really like to applaud my doctor. The symptoms of my gonorrhea are finally starting to go away. ::slow clap::
- What do you call the STD that restricts arm movements? [Slow hand clap]
- What do Vegans who work in an intensive care unit eat? The Vegetables.
/Slow Clap.
Clap Std Jokes
Here is a list of funny clap std jokes and even better clap std puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Which STD is transmitted through sound... The clap.
Yes this joke was just posted but I think my punchline is better.
Howlingly Hilarious Clap Jokes for an Unforgettable Evening
What funny jokes about clap you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean cheer jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make clap pranks.
Most people think that t-rexes can't clap because they have short arms
Actually it's because they are dead
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Is s**... forever?
Or is it kinda like... Clap on, Clap off?
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Did you hear about the p**... with no hands?
At least she can't get the clap.
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What do you call making your b**... clap for likes and upvotes?
Social netwerking
My favorite Robin Williams joke
U2 is playing a concert in Scotland, and as a hush comes over the crowd, Bono starts clapping his hands above his head very slowly.
As he claps, he tells the crowd, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies." And a man stands up in the back of the room, and shouts "Then stop clappin' your hands!"
Thanks, Robin.
Zen Koan
If a man falls in the woods, do the trees clap?
What do you call a group of sorority girls/fraternity guys standing in a circle?
A round of applause
...because they all have the clap.
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So I was f**... this girl, she said put 2 in so I did.
She said put your whole hand in so I did, next she demanded the other hand so I obliged. Finally she said "now clap your hands" I said "I can't" to which she replied "Pretty tight huh?"
Did you hear about the little guy compelled to clap in time whenever he was on the Paris underground?
He was a Métro gnome.
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If a kid with Down Syndrome gets Gonorrhea
Is it called "Slow Clap"?
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What do you get when you have s**... with an STD infested mentally challenged person?
The slow clap
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Angry after the primary season, Jeb Bush had s**... with a h**..., hoping to give her gonorrhea...
Please clap.
Did you hear about the builder who could clap very loudly?
They always got him to raise the roof.
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A women tells her lover to "Put two fingers in." So he does...
Then she says, "put your hand in." So he does.
Then she says, "Put your other hand in." So he does.
Then she says, "Now clap." And he says, "I can't".
And she says proudly, "Tight, huh?"
A police officer sees a beaten up woman laying on the ground with a man standing over her.
The woman is unconscious and clearly was injured.
"What happened to her?" asked the cop.
"The clap," said the man.
"The clap doesn't do that to people," said the cop.
"Well," said the man, "it does when you give it to me."
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If you're an amputee and you know it
clap your hand!
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Kissing lead to foreplay...
She liked it when I used one finger,
She: "Now use two fingers"
Me: "Yeah you like that?"
She: "Now stick your hand in..."
Me: "Oh babe, you're k**..."
She: "Two hands now..."
Me: 😦"okay...."
She: "Now clap...
Me: "I can't..."
She: 😏 "I'm tight, right?"
What doesnt get wet when it rains?
The oceans
(The joke is the joke itself.)
Please clap.
How do you save an epilectic man's marriage?
Replace all the light switches with clap ons
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Why can't mammoths clap?
Because they're extinct, s**....
I asked my wife for more encouragement
So she gave me the clap
I always clap along to Pharrell Williams' song "Happy"
Because just like a room without a roof, I feel utterly and completely useless
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In my world, a t**... is when I use both my right AND my left hand.
Problem is: together they gave me the clap.
What do you call a mild case of Gonorrhea?
A golf clap.
Who's the most clapped rock star?
Eric CLAPton.
What do you call a dinosaur that doesn't clap?
Treasonosaurus Rex
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I'm Full of Riddles.
Riddle A:
---
What is the longest word in the dictionary?
S**mile**s because there is a mile between the S's.
Riddle B:
---
What has hands but cannot clap?
A clock!
Riddle Cya L8ter:
---
How do you make the #1 disappear?
Add a **G** to it and it's G**one**.
Bye.
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What did Jeb Bush say to his b**... when he tried twerking?
Please Clap
Why can't David Bowie clap his hands?
Because he's dead.
I used to clap at people when I would get into arguments but then my black co worker told me that that's cultural appropriation
So I changed my name to Darnell and started curling my hair
What's a comedian's favourite disease?
The Clap
A group of people, all of whom have the "clap", are sitting in a circle.
It was a round of applause.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did I ever tell you the story of when I met the woman with the tightest v**... ever?
She was bragging about it at a bar.
I told her I didn't believe her and to prove it.
She took me to her car and said, "Put a finger in" so I did.
Then she said "Put another finger in" so I did.
Then she said "Put your hand in" so I did.
Then she said "Put your other hand in" so I did that too.
The she said "Now clap" and I said "I CAN'T"
And she said "Tight ain't I ?"
Why do they call Chlamydia "The Clap"?
Because you're so happy it's not AIDS
What do you call it when a bunch of elephants clap?
A huge round of Applause!
If you're fully able bodied
Clap your hands..
If people clap after landing in a plane...
Why dont people clap after reaching a bus stop?
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When I have gay s**... it's like a drum set
Clap them cheeks like cymbals
Make him moan like a base drum
What would be a bad gift for an epileptic teenage boy?
Clap on lights
According to my 14 year old cousin...
another way to say "applause" is "to give someone the clap".
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You let a sloth give you gonnorhea?!
*slow clap*
My friend asked me to explain dark humor to them
I pointed at a guy sitting on a park bench and said "See that guy with no hands on the bench? Tell him to clap".
They replied "Austin, you know I'm blind", to which I replied "Exactly"
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Can someone please clap?
That way I'm not the only one touching themselves tonight
Painting the church
Two volunteers are painting the church. They begin to paint and about half way through, they realize they don't have enough paint to finish. Well, its just the church, so they thin the paint and continue. Getting close to the end, still not enough to finish, so they start to thin again, and there's a flash of lightning, a clap of thunder, and a voice thunders out of the clouds, "Repaint, and thin no more!"
Or was it planting the church garden, and the voice said,"Replant and thin no more"
Or was it, "post and repost no more"
I can't remember, I'm old and I get so mixed up.
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You got gonorrhea from a sloth...?
*slow clap*
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I dated a s**... girl once who gave me the clap so many times...
I started referring to it as the applause.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If two people with clap have s**...,
Is it considered a round of applause?
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"Mom what's dark humor?"
"Do you see that guy over there without arms? Ask him to clap his hand"
"But mom I'm blind..."
"Exactly!"
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Mom, what's dark humor?
Mom: Well son, you see that man over there with no arms? Go tell him to clap.
Son: But, Mom! I'm blind!
Mom: Exactly.
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How do you make an orphans hands bleed
Tell them to clap until their parents come home
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Lottery
Guy is sitting alone in his house watching tv and envious of the latest person who just won the lottery.
" God, I wish I could win the lottery"
Another few weeks goes by and again someone else wins the lottery.
"God, I wish I could win the lottery"
Another month goes by and still another person wins the lottery.
"God, I wish I could win the lottery"
That same minute a loud clap of thunder and the Heavens open up. In this bright angelic light comes a voice....... " Dude, work with me. Buy a d**... ticket"
