Clam Jokes

Following is our collection of crustasian puns and conch one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Clam jokes for adults, dirty launder jokes and clean shell dad gags for kids.

The Best Clam Puns

What did the pirate name his pet clam?


An artist lives next to a Marsh.

Twice a week, he goes out and collects the clam shells in the marsh to use in his art. One day, he visits a fellow artist and the two compare their works as usual. Suddenly, a gang of bandits breaks into the house to steal art, but before anyone else could react the first artist launches a furious flurry of kicks and punches that quickly incapacitates all the robbers.
"Incredible!" Goes his friend, "I never realised you were so well trained in combat!"
"Well you should," the first artist replied, "considering you already know I am a marsh shell artist."

What do clams do for their birthday?

They shellibrate...

Clam joke, What do clams do for their birthday?

a scallop fell in love with a clam...

and against everyone 's advice they got married. and six short months later sure enough they filed for divorce and went their separate ways. their problem was obvious to anyone who knew them. they were just two shellfish .

Sure, Aphrodite poses naked in a giant clam shell, she's a goddess.

But when I do it, I'm ''drunk' and 'no longer welcome at the aquarium'.

Why don't clams donate to charity?

They're shellfish.

What is the female equivalent of a sausage fest?

A clam bake

Clam joke, What is the female equivalent of a sausage fest?

How'd the clam cross the river?

Took a taxi crab.

I have a question about tampons

Do they call it Tampax Pearl because it goes in their clam?

Did you hear about the clam that could play violin?

It had excellent mussel memory.

What do you call a clam that lifts?

A hoyster

Keep clam. I'm dyslexic.

A man got a job in Ireland...

A man got a job in Ireland. His wife was upset, because they would have to move.

The day before they were to leave, she asked him,

"Are you sure about this?"

He tried to clam her down, saying

"Relax, honey. It's only Tipperary."

My girlfriend fell off a fishing boat just off the coast of Maine and was devoured by a giant shellfish.

You might say a New England clam chowed her.

How is it "the world is your oyster"?

When I'm always chasing that clam

Whats the difference between

An epileptic clam diver and a prostitute with diarrhea?

The epileptic clam diver Shucks Between Fits

Clam joke, Whats the difference between

Did you know that tornadoes can displace shellfish?

Apparently the locals in danger areas are able to identify oncoming bad weather due to the shellfish preceding it.

They call it the clam before the storm.

If men "shrink" when it's cold out . . .

... then do women "clam shut" ?

What do you call a shellfish Action movie star?

Jean Claude Van Clam.

Why did the clam get dumped?

Because he was shellfish!

How do shellfish get high?

At a clam bake's like what the mussel said to the clam...

I wouldn't wish that on an anemone!"

What do you call a timid Canadian shellfish?

A cool clux clam.

Why are clams bad at sharing?

Because they are shellfish.

What did the clam say when a crab attacked him?


Why was the clam limping on Monday morning?

Because he went clubbing at the weekend and pulled a mussel.

What do you call a greedy clam?

My Ex-Wife.

Why did the clam get in an accident?

He was talking on his shellphone.

What is a lesbians favorite kind of soup?

Clam chowder

I've never dated a clam

but i have pulled a few mussels

I went to Boston and ate some chowder last Thursday.

It was the clam before the storm.

What is a clams favorite TV channel?

The crust station.

\ \ What did the clam say \ \ at his nephew's bar mitzvah? \

\ Mollusktov Shellhome! \ \

Why did the shrimp and the clam get a divorce?

They were two shellfish.

Why do Britons in airports seem kind of fishy?

Is it because they Keep Clam in Carry On?

What do you call a clam charged with sexual harrasment


Why did the clam go to jail?

For setting up illegal shell companies!

Why was the clam so nice to everyone?

He didn't want to be shellfish anymore

What do you call a narcissistic clam?

How did the clam launder money for the Trump family?

Through a shell company!

(waits quietly for MSNBC show)

What did the clam with a lisp say to his greedy friend?

You're so shelfish!

Why couldn't the Clam make new friends?

It's not because he was too shellfish, I think he just never opened up.

Is this the smooth clam?

No this is spongebob.

Did you hear about the clam that went to a disco?

He pulled a muscle

What does a clam do on his birthday?

He Shellabrates!

There is an abundance of mussel jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 45 funniest jokes and clam puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any crab witze you can hear about clam.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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