Claims Jokes

Following is our collection of tillerson humor and claim one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Claims puns for adults, dirty suing jokes or clean plaintiff gags for kids.

There is an abundance of proof jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 72 funniest jokes on claims. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any truth witze you can hear about claims.

The Best jokes about Claims

Scientist: "My findings are meaningless if taken out of context."

Media: Scientist claims "Findings are meaningless."

My friend claims he can build a gun using his new 3D printer, but I'm not impressed.

I've had a Canon printer for years.

My author friend claims that he 'accidentally' glued himself to his autobiography, but I don't believe him.

But that's his story, and he's sticking to it.

A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.

A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.

He has two in his boat when the police approach him.

The man claims he's not poaching them and they are his pet lobsters, he's just taking them for a swim.

"I let them play in the water for a few minutes but when I whistle they come back to me."

So the police let him place the lobsters in the water and command the man to call them back.

"Call who back?"

How do you know that Darth Vader isn't a black man underneath the mask?

He claims to be your father.


Julie Andrews withdraws her endorsement

Julie Andrews will no longer be endorsing Revlon Vibrant Shades lipstick, as she claims it breaks too easily and makes her breath smell.

In a statement she said, "The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis."

Invisible...

A psychiatrist's secretary walked into his study and said, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible."

The psychiatrist responded, "Tell him I can't see him."

My girlfriend is so busted

she claims to be an atheist but yesterday I got home from work early and she was screaming "OH GOD! YES! YOU'RE SO GOOD!". So I sat smugly on the couch until she came out with my friend Steve. Then I was like "busted! you're not an atheist at all. I don't know what you did Steve but you are a legend"

There's an email going around that claims to include a nude photo of Hillary Clinton

Don't open it. It contains a nude photo of Hillary Clinton.

My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography and I don't believe him

Anyway that's his story and he is sticking to it

Receptionist: Doctor, your next patient claims to be invisible.

Doctor: Well tell him I can't see him right now.


So, apparently Rand Paul was sucker punched...

So Rand Paul, who happens to be an ophthalmologist, apparently got into a fight with his neighbor, an anesthesiologist. Paul claims he was sucker punched, but neither man was badly hurt.

Does make you wonder, though - an ophthalmologist who didn't see it coming and an anesthesiologist who failed to deliver a knockout - seems like both men let their professions down badly...

Scientists claims that 85% of rainforests will be gone by 2025

but if we worked really hard, we can do it by the end of 2017

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning....

The wife claims, "You should do it, because you get up first and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband says, "You are in charge of cooking around here so you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

The wife replied, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should make the coffee."

The husband replied, "I can't believe that; show me!"

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........

"HEBREWS"

My wife claims that I treat one of our kids unfairly.

ο»Ώ"Which one?" I replied, "Chris Jr, or the girl one?"

Two men are waiting for appointments with their insurance claims adjuster.

They chat and learn they have a common bond. The first one says "My restaurant was wiped out by a fire, everything inside was wrecked."

The second one says "Mine was taken out by a flood, total loss too."

The first one thinks a bit then asks "How do you start a flood?"

A riddle for the day

A riddle for the day

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.

Michael J. Fox has a small one.

Madonna doesn't have one.

The Pope has one but doesn't use it.

Clinton uses his all the time.

Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.

Liberace never used his on women.

Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.

Cher claims that she took on 3.

We never saw Lucy use Desi's.

What is it? Answer below! (this is pretty good )

----------------------------------------------------------















The answer is: "A Last Name."

Sorry Folks...No Dirty Jokes Here!

So John Kelly claims that the lack of an ability to compromise led to the Civil War...

I wouldn't say that's 100% accurate, but at least 3/5ths.

Tony, a man of criminal reputation, goes to a confession.

Tony, a man of criminal reputation, goes to a confession and tells the priest a couple of mild sins.

"Is that all?" asks the priest, surprised.

"Yes, that's it. There are no more sins."

"And who steals apples from my garden?" asks the priest.

"Father, the acoustics in here are terrible, I can't hear a word you say!" claims Tony.

"What do you mean? Tell me who steals my apples!" demands the priest.

"Everything you say, I can't comprehend it in here! Let's switch places if you don't believe me!" suggests Tony.

The priest comes into the chamber where Tony sat and Tony into where the priest sat.

"Father, who lies with my wife when I'm not at home?" asks Tony.

"You're right, Tony, the acoustics in here are indeed terrible," agrees the priest.


A Frenchman, a German, and an American were regulars at a bar

One day, the Frenchman decides that he is going to prove how much smarter the French are than Germans or Americans. So he goes digging in his backyard and finds traces of copper wiring 15ft deep. He smugly claims, "Ha! 300 years ago, my ancestors had a working telephone system!"

The German, not wanting to be outdone by the French, goes digging in his backyard and finds traces of copper wiring 25ft deep. He smugly claims, "Ha! 400 years ago, my ancestors had a working telephone system!"

The American, not wanting to be outdone by either the German or the French, goes digging in his backyard. He digs all day and night and finds nothing 40ft deep. The next day, he walks into the bar and smugly claims, "Ha! 500 years ago, my ancestors had already gone wireless!"

A Chemist, a Biologist, and a Mathematician...

Were sitting on a bench in front of a hotel, and see two people enter, then three people exit. The Chemist claims that they must have been an error in the initial measurements, the biologist says they must have procreated, thus creating another person, the mathematician states that if one more person enters the building, the building would then be empty.

A guy takes his talking dog to a talent scout.

This dog can speak English, he claims to the unimpressed agent. Okay, Sport, the guys says to the dog, what's on the top of a house?

Roof! the dog replies.

Oh, come on… the talent agent responds. All dogs go 'roof'.

No, wait, the guy says. He asks the dog, What does sandpaper feel like?

Rough! the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. No, hang on, the guy says. This one will amaze you. He turns and asks the dog, Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?

Ruth! goes the dog. And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street.

The dog turns to the guy and says, Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?

The invisible man and the shrink

The receptionist tells the psychiatrist that there's a man in the waiting room who claims to be invisible.

The Psychiatrist says, "Tell him I can't see him right now."

A priest meets a drunk outside a bar.

The drunk claims to be Jesus, but the priest doesn't believe him. The drunk insists, so the priest demands the drunk prove it. At this, the drunk leads the priest into the bar, upon which the bartender exclaims in disbelief "Jesus Christ, not you again."

Nobody claims to like cancer when they're first diagonosed

But after a while, it tends to grow on you.

The gift

"Brian, what's wrong with you? You've been sitting at your desk looking depressed for the last five minutes!"


"Oh Dan", responded Brian "I don't know what to do! I got in a big fight last night with my Suzie, she claims I never buy her gifts, so I must not care about her!"


"Brian, that's horrible!" said Dan putting his arm around Brian. "What type of a gift does she want already?"


"Well, right before she closed the door on my face she said to me: Why don't you show me how much you care about me? Why can't you get me something that goes from 0 to 175 in seconds!"


"Dan what should I do? I don't have that kind of money? I can't go out and buy her a car!"


"A car? Asked Dan. Who needs a car? Just stop by Target and buy her a scale!`

A midget who claims to see dead people just escaped from a psychiatric ward.

There's a small medium at large.

A man finds a genie who claims to be all-knowing...

The genie says the man may ask him one question, about anything he could possibly imagine, and he will answer truthfully.
The man, amazed, replies, "wow, and you'll know the correct answer to literally any question I ask?"
The genie answers, "yes." And disappears.

Happiness

Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong Un and Donald Trump are on a plane. As the plane flies over a poor city, the Korean dictator looks through the window and claims:

-If I were to toss a dollar off the plane, I would make one person happy.

-If I were to throw a hundred dollars in pennies, I could make entire families happier,- says President Putin.

-Please, the amount of spare change I could find in my pockets alone would cheer up the city,- boasts President Trump.

-And if I were to throw you three off the plane, I would make the entire humanity happy,- adds the pilot.

Lenin in Poland

An artist is commissioned to create a painting celebrating Soviet-Polish friendship, to be called "Lenin in Poland."

The artist is confused; "Lenin never went to Poland" he claims. The commissioner doesnt care about the facts however, and just wants the painting.

When the painting is unveiled at the Kremlin, there is a gasp from the invited guests; the painting depicts Nadezhda Krupskaya (Lenin's wife) naked in bed with Leon Trotsky.

One guest asks, "But this is a travesty! Where is Lenin?" To which the painter replies, "Lenin is in Poland."

Kim Jong Un claims to have golfed 38 under par...

...But his story is full of holes.

My therapist claims I'm a narcissist, but what does he know?

Clearly not as much as me.

A German, an American and an Englishman are standing by the sea...

They're talking about their military's efficiency. The American boldly claims "Our American submarines can last a month under water without ever having to go up!".

The Englishman laughs and says "That's nothing. Our Royal Navy submarines can last half a year under water without ever having to go up!"

Both look at the German who remains silent. Suddenly a submarine emerges before them and a man jumps out shouting: "Heil Hitler, we need fuel!".

Ruth! (not sure if repost)

A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. "This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent. "Okay, Sport," the guys says to the dog, "what's on the top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies. "Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go 'roof'." "No, wait," the guy says. He asks the dog "what does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough!" the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. "No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you. " He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" goes the dog. And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. And the dog turns to the guy and says "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"

What's the slogan for Orion's Pizza?

OP delivers.

Not a great joke, but my wife claims no one will get it. I am trying to prove her wrong.

I got arrested for indecent exposure.

They've sent me to the Small Claims Court.

there has been a shooting at the Westboro Baptist church...

police report 3 dozen cheerful bystanders, yet nobody claims to have seen who did it.

My ex-gf claims I dumped her for being a feminist...

Which is completely wrong! I dumped her for not doing my laundry, cleaning my dishes, or cooking my dinner.

A professor walks in to a class….

He has a hypothesis. He claims the people who have sex most often are the happiest. To prove, he divides the class in to three groups. People having sex once a month are put to one corner. They are the least happy. People having sex once a week are put to another corner. They are slightly happier. And finally people having sex more than once a week are put to yet another corner. They are even happier.

But one guy is still sitting in the class. To see he's the happiest of them all! The professor is shaken. This chap is going to prove him wrong! Professor walks to him and ask;

Prof.: How often do you have sex son?

Guy: Once a year.

Prof.: Then how come you are so happy?!

Guy: IT'S TODAY! IT'S TODAY! IT'S TODAY!


Cr

today I met a girl that claims to work with bees

yeah, she's definitely a keeper

James Franco responds to claims of sexual misconduct.

I did not touch them! It's not true! It's bullshit! I did not touch them! I did naaaht.

Oh hi Mark.

My wife claims to be very good at yoga...

but I think she's just a poser.

My friend claims he has a degree in blacksmithing...

... But everything he makes is forged.

One for all of us country folks

Visiting the countryside on a hunting trip, the well-dressed man from Washington takes aim and shoots a duck. But the fowl drops into a farmer's field, and the farmer claims it. Since both want it, the farmer suggests settling the dispute with an old fashioned hick-kick. "I kick you as hard as I can in the crotch, then you do the same to me," he explains. "Whoever screams the least gets the bird." The city man agrees. So the farmer winds up and delivers a crushing blow to the man's privates, and he collapses to the ground. Twenty minutes later, when he finally manages to stand, he gasps, "My turn." "Nah," says the farmer, turning away. "You can keep the duck."

Three astronauts walk into a bar

On the way in, one of them spots ten dollars on the floor. As he bends down to pick it up, one of the others claims that he saw it first, so it belongs to him. The third then claims that he dropped it earlier, so it must be his.

Whose ten? We have a problem...

My PhD student claims to have made a breakthrough in hyperbolic mathematics

Turns out he was just exaggerating

Two men are eating chili together.

One finishes his bowl and claims it's the best chili he's ever eaten. He looks at the second man who's bowl is completely full.

First man: are you gonna eat that?
Second man: nah I'm not feeling too good.
First man: wouldn't want it to go to waste then.

The first man eats the second bowl of chili and finds a dead mouse at the bottom. He instantly spews the chili back into the bowl.

Second man: yeah that's as far as I got too.

Breaking news!

Corona Virus claims a black belt. Chuck Norris, Dead at 80.

Carlos Ray Chuck Norris, famous actor and fighter, died yesterday afternoon at his home in Northwood Hills, TX at the age of 80.

Chuck Starred in dozens of movies and Tv series which have, and continue to entertain millions of people.

He was also a master of martial arts, which was the cause of his initial fame in the movie industry.

However, after his minor inconvenience of death, Chuck has made a full recovery, and is reported to be doing quite well.

It has also been reported that the Corona virus is in self isolation for 14 days due to being exposed to Chuck Norris.

King Solomon's Judgement

Two women ran into the court of King Solomon, fighting. "My daughter was to marry this man, but this woman claims that the man was to marry HER daughter!" one of them yelled.

"There is a simple solution," said the King. "I shall cut the man in two and each of your daughters can have a piece."

"Fine by me!" said the first woman. "No, don't, I would rather let the other girl marry him than that!" cried the second.

The King didn't hesitate for a minute. "Fine." he said. "The first woman my have him."

"What?" protested the other? "She wanted him cut in two!" "Indeed." said the king. "She shows the true spirit of a mother-in-law!"

A guy goes to a barbershop

The barber claims to have a new machine that can cut everyone's hair equally well.

But that's ridiculous! Says the customer, not everyone has the same size and shaped head!

The barber responds, They do afterward

Three blondes are walking in the forest...

..when they come to a set of tracks. The first one decides she is gonna try her best to look smart in front of the other two and claims that based by the look of the tracks they belong to a badger. The second trying not to be outdone claims that the first had it all wrong and they were definitely raccoon tracks. The third blonde then decides to argue her case and claims the tracks belong to a beaver. The three are still arguing 10 minutes later when the train hits them.

Socialism is the Axe Body Spray of political ideologies

It never does what it claims to do but people too young to know better keep buying it anyway.

A renowned scientist is frustrated with the popularity of misinformation. In an interview, he tells the press my research is meaningless if taken out of context!

The next day, the public is taken by storm as headlines spread that Renowned Scientist Claims That His Research is Meaningless!

A physicist, a biologist, a mathematician, and a computer scientist are drinking coffee...

Over the course of the day they see two people enter a building across the street and three people exit. They all seem perplexed about this occurrence. The physicist says, "There must have been some error in our measurements!" The biologist replies, "The two must have reproduced!" The mathematician claims, "If one person goes inside then the building will be empty!" The computer scientist concludes, "Someone must have used a back door."

A man goes on a date with a patent examiner.

Things are going well, so they go back to his place, and end up having sex.

Afterwards, the man asks his date, "So, do you want to do this again tomorrow?"

His date replies: "I will report that your technique, while novel, is obvious to one skilled in the art. Also I found some of your more extraordinary claims to be unsubstantiated."

There is a conspiracy theory that claims Princess Diana was on the radio after her reported death.

I'd like to confirm this was completely true, she WAS on the radio, and the dashboard, the steering wheel, the back of the seats and the windscreen.

My friend has become addicted to brake fluid ...

He claims he can stop anytime.

Catholic, Protestant and Jew debate

The Catholic argues that life begins at conception; the protestant claims that life begins at birth. The Jew states that life begins when the kids move out and the dog dies.

My friend claims that he can make the best red paint you've ever seen out of raw beef

It looks great, but it's only meaty ochre

An old married couple...

An old married couple were married for a really long time. The only friction in their marriage was that the man passed gas every night in bed. The wife often told her husband that one day he would "fart his guts out" however the man would always dismiss these claims as false. One day after having chicken for dinner the wife decided to pull a prank on her husband, after he went to bed she took the intestines of the chicken they had and placed it between his legs, proving once and for all that he had farted his guts out. After doing so she went to bed, anxious to see his reaction in the morning. When she woke up she found that her husband had already gotten up. She went to the kitchen and asked him how he slept. "Oh I slept wonderfully", he replied. "Except that your prediction finally came true, I finally farted my guts out." Acting startled she asked him if he wanted to go to the hospital. "No I'm fine, after a couple of tries I managed to push them all back up in again".

My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with legumes.

Jack and the Beans talk.

She claims to love to travel on her Tinder profile....

Starts screaming the second you shut the trunk lid.

Mental hospital...

A man is brought into a mental hospital late one night, who claims to be Napoleon Bonaparte. Turns out, there is another patient there who also believes he is Napoleon, but is also flamboyantly gay. The director thinks it will be interesting to House them together overnight and see what happens.

In the morning, the director approached the gay Napoleon:

Who are you, Sir?

(Heavy French accent) How do you not know that I am the great, Napoleon Bonaparte?!?

OK.

He then asks the new patient- And who are you?

Sacre' bleu! You do not recognize Josephine, zee queen?!?

A feminist has taken legal action against a shopping mall Santa.

She claims he called her a hoe three times.

How does Romney only claim a 14% tax rate?

He claims 47% of the U.S. as dependents.

Claims that cloud storage is the future of smartphone memory issues

Sounds good, but I have no data to back it up.

Verizon claims they wants to make sure first responders can get the call to help people.

That is, if they pay enough.

My friend claims yoga is the best possible thing you can do for your body.

Seems like a bit of a stretch.

Trump finally addressed the Russian claims!

He was quoted "I did not have foreign relations with that country."

Give me your best golf joke.

I work with a guy who claims he's heard ever golf joke there is. So far he's been correct, and has known every joke I've thrown his way.

A coworker claims I always have to one-up his stories.

But I know a guy that one-ups people's stories way more.

My friend claims that he is a really good boxer.

He doesn't strike me as one.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes