Claims Jokes
142 claims jokes and hilarious claims puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about claims that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Learn how to laugh at the expense of your job with these funny claims jokes. From unfounded and unsubstantiated auto claims to humorous takes on insurance claims, you’ll be smiling over these jokes about the claims adjuster job.
Funniest Claims Short Jokes
Short claims jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The claims humour may include short insurance claim jokes also.
- I'm a scientist who's researching b**... between humans and dogs… If you'd like more details, I'll be in my lab…
- My friend claims he can build a gun using his new 3D printer, but I'm not impressed. I've had a Canon printer for years.
- EA have been hit by ransomware and need to pay up to $7,000,000 hacker claim they want EA to feel a sense of pride and accomplishment when they finally unlock their information
- When I was little, my dad used to feed me alphabet soup, claiming that I loved it I didn't really; he was just putting words in my mouth.
- My neighbor claims his Golden Retriever dog can bring a ball back from half a mile away.. That seems a bit far-fetched to me..
- Just saw on the news that Apple is suing Samsung: They claim that the Galaxy S3 has copied concepts used on the iPhone 6.
- Donald Trump claims he won the election by a landslide How else would you describe his campaign other than a 'natural disaster'?
- I think my friend is lying when he claimed he reached the top of Mount Everest last year. I'm not sure if…he made it up.
- A man in India claimed that he could predict the price of bread at every restaurant he went to Absolute naansense
- What do you call a muscular cow? Beefy
(My 8yo claims she made this one up. I'm so proud)
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Claims One Liners
Which claims one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with claims? I can suggest the ones about coverage and issues.
- Roses are red, reposting is lame, [this post was removed due to a copyright claim.]
- The Egyptians claim there are no crocodiles in their country. I think they're in de Nile.
- Americans: "This is not who we are." ⓘ This claim is disputed
- My wife claims that I'm cheap But I'm not buying it
- My roommate claims I'm schizophrenic. Joke's on him, I don't have a roommate.
- How to start a cult 1. Claim you have talked to God
2. ???
3. >!Prophet!< - There are multiple reports claiming that Kim Jong-Un is dead. Another Un bites the dust.
- Some people claim Al Gore dances too robotically He says its just his al gore rhythm
- A perfectionist walks into a bar Immediately they claim the bar isn't set high enough.
- My friend jack claims he can communicate with vegetables.. Jack and the beans talk.
- Kim Jong Un claims to have golfed 38 under par... ...But his story is full of holes.
- My therapist claims I'm a narcissist, but what does he know? Clearly not as much as me.
- I got arrested for indecent exposure. They've sent me to the Small Claims Court.
- What is empty and spins round and round? A Malaysian Airlines baggage claim.
- What happens when you claim an island by peeing on it? Urination
Insurance Claims Jokes
Here is a list of funny insurance claims jokes and even better insurance claims puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My local church had troubles getting their insurance to pay for the lightning damage The insurance claimed it was deliberate damage by the owner.
- On my way to my wedding I got caught in a rain shower and my dress was ruined. I tried to file a claim with insurance but they said I didn't have an umbrella policy.
- My husband is on the roof - only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
- Why was the insurance claim sad? It found out it was an accident...
- Why did the German baker claim on his insurance at Christmas? Because his bread was stollen!!!
Cheeky Claims Jokes that Will Make You and Your Friends Chuckle
What funny jokes about claims you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean rights jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make claims pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A riddle for the day
A riddle for the day
Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.
Michael J. Fox has a small one.
Madonna doesn't have one.
The Pope has one but doesn't use it.
Clinton uses his all the time.
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.
Liberace never used his on women.
j**... Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.
Cher claims that she took on 3.
We never saw Lucy use Desi's.
What is it? Answer below! (this is pretty good )
----------------------------------------------------------
The answer is: "A Last Name."
Sorry Folks...No Dirty Jokes Here!
So, a friend of mine claims to be really body-positive, but...
...I saw him comment on a picture of a fat woman in Wal-Mart comparing her to a pachyderm. I told him to stop being so hippo-critical.
there has been a shooting at the Westboro baptist church...
police report 3 dozen cheerful bystanders, yet nobody claims to have seen who did it.
Two old friends run into each other at a bar
Two old friends run into each other at a bar. The one friend says to the other "Nice to see you, you're looking really good. Have you lost weight?" "Yeah I have, actually." says the other friend. The first friend asks, "How did you manage to get so fit?" The friend replies "Well, I'd like to contribute it to a good diet and exercise...but the Judge claims it's from excessive drinking and evading the police."
The Original sports drink.
Despite What The University of Florida Claims about Gatorade being the first sports drink Florida State Football had the first energy drink. They have been drinking Seminole Fluid for years.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Catholic, Protestant and Jew debate
The Catholic argues that life begins at conception; the protestant claims that life begins at birth. The Jew states that life begins when the kids move out and the dog dies.
Give me your best golf joke.
I work with a guy who claims he's heard ever golf joke there is. So far he's been correct, and has known every joke I've thrown his way.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
what is big data ?
College professor asks students , " There is so much so going on about big data right now so What is big data ?"
John responds , " Sir, its like teenage s**.... Nobody quite understand it, everybody says know how to do it and claims to have done it and tell stories about how amazing was it everyday"
What's the slogan for Orion's Pizza?
OP delivers.
Not a great joke, but my wife claims no one will get it. I am trying to prove her wrong.
A man finds a genie who claims to be all-knowing...
The genie says the man may ask him one question, about anything he could possibly imagine, and he will answer truthfully.
The man, amazed, replies, "wow, and you'll know the correct answer to literally any question I ask?"
The genie answers, "yes." And disappears.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I will never trust a poster who claims to be an obstetrician.
Because OP never delivers.
My PhD student claims to have made a breakthrough in hyperbolic mathematics
Turns out he was just exaggerating
Bob the Builder sacked!
The BBC have announced that Bob The Builder has been sacked.. They say they can no longer trust any children's Tv star who claims to be able to fix it!!
My european friend Opee is opening up a restaurant where he claims to have the 'worlds best pizza'. His restaurant is in the middle of no where, but don't worry
Opee Delivers
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A riddle for today
A riddle for today
Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.
Michael J. Fox has a small one.
Madonna doesn't have one.
The Pope has one but doesn't use it.
Clinton uses his all the time.
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.
Liberace never used his on women.
j**... Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.
Cher claims that she took on 3.
We never saw Lucy use Desi's.
What is it?
[The answer is: "A Last Name."
Sorry Folks...No Dirty Jokes Here!] (/spoiler)
My neighbor claims to have a large collection of classic arcade games
but I think it's just a case of 1UPmanship.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
X-ray Parrot
A street vendor claims that his pet parrot can tell the color of the p**... of the women walking by.
Three nuns come by and the parrot yells "yellow, white, green!"
The nuns are impressed.
The next day the parrot says "blue, orange, purple!!" and the nuns can't believe it.
The third day, they decide to throw a curve ball and not wear anything.
The parrot says "s**..., s**..., curly"
My wife claims that I treat one of our kids unfairly.
"Which one?" I replied, "Chris Jr, or the girl one?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a girl ant who claims she can see the future ....
.... clairvoyant
Putin denies Russian naval exercises in Finnish waters, claims that sonar readings "were misinterpreted".
Whoops, wrong sub.
What do you call a disembodied nose?
Nobody nose.
My 8-year-old niece claims she made this up. I have my doubts.
Nobody claims to like cancer when they're first diagonosed
But after a while, it tends to grow on you.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife claims to be very good at yoga...
but I think she's just a poser.
My girlfriend is so busted
she claims to be an atheist but yesterday I got home from work early and she was screaming "OH GOD! YES! YOU'RE SO GOOD!". So I sat smugly on the couch until she came out with my friend Steve. Then I was like "busted! you're not an atheist at all. I don't know what you did Steve but you are a legend"
DC Comics to end production of Wonder Woman after DEA claims
They stated the movie would have attracted to many people to a strong form of Heroine.
I found Jesus the other day.......
and if no one claims him within 30 days, by gosh, I am going to keep him!
An armed criminal disrupted the origami convention...
... an eye witness claims he saw the whole thing unfold.
North Korea claims to have just tested an H-Bomb
Turns out they just discovered Mentos and Diet Coke
Ford claims that 90% of its cars are still on the road today
That's pretty bad, apparently only 10% of them made it back home
What do you call a frozen hamburger?
A ham-brrr-ger.
my 7yo claims she made it up herself.
Scientists have looked into claims of widespread mansplaining...
Turns out it's usually just an ovaryaction.
I'm such an alcoholic....
That when Alcohol does its taxes, it claims me as its
dependant!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There's an email going around that claims to include a n**... photo of Hillary Clinton
Don't open it. It contains a n**... photo of Hillary Clinton.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
NASA claims that they've just discovered blood s**... bugs on the moon.
They're a bunch of lunatics.
My friend claims he has a degree in blacksmithing...
... But everything he makes is forged.
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning....
The wife claims, "You should do it, because you get up first and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband says, "You are in charge of cooking around here so you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
The wife replied, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should make the coffee."
The husband replied, "I can't believe that; show me!"
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........
"HEBREWS"
My friend claims that he is a really good boxer.
He doesn't strike me as one.
Invisible...
A psychiatrist's secretary walked into his study and said, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible."
The psychiatrist responded, "Tell him I can't see him."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My apartment has more than nine ants, but my landlord refuses to get rid of them.
He claims they have **ten ants' rights**.
Trump finally addressed the Russian claims!
He was quoted "I did not have foreign relations with that country."
A Navy captain and his first mate are looking through their telescopes.
The first mate claims he can see beautiful island sands in the east.
"Are you positive?" Asks the captain.
"Pretty shore" replies the first mate.
What does Donald Trump have if he has 8 apples in one hand and 6 oranges in the other?
Really big hands.... or so as he claims.
My ex-gf claims I dumped her for being a feminist...
Which is completely wrong! I dumped her for not doing my laundry, cleaning my dishes, or cooking my dinner.
Scientists claims that 85% of rainforests will be gone by 2025
but if we worked really hard, we can do it by the end of 2017
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two philosophers are having a discussion about the morality of swords. To back up their claims, one of them picks up a sword and shouts "The tip of this sword could never pierce your leather vest" and proceeds to lunge the sword into their chest
Coughing up blood, the wounded philosopher weakly replies "That's a good point"
Receptionist: Doctor, your next patient claims to be invisible.
Doctor: Well tell him I can't see him right now.
Claims that cloud storage is the future of smartphone memory issues
Sounds good, but I have no data to back it up.
A midget who claims to see dead people just escaped from a psychiatric ward.
There's a small medium at large.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Your friend might secretly be a member of ISIS if...
You drop a horrendous f**... and he claims ownership of it.
So John Kelly claims that the lack of an ability to compromise led to the Civil War...
I wouldn't say that's 100% accurate, but at least 3/5ths.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So, apparently Rand Paul was s**... punched...
So Rand Paul, who happens to be an ophthalmologist, apparently got into a fight with his neighbor, an anesthesiologist. Paul claims he was s**... punched, but neither man was badly hurt.
Does make you wonder, though - an ophthalmologist who didn't see it coming and an anesthesiologist who failed to deliver a knockout - seems like both men let their professions down badly...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A feminist has taken legal action against a shopping mall Santa.
She claims he called her a h**... three times.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Caitlyn Jenner is filing a Lawsuit for s**... Harassment...
Claims that she's Constantly being Groped by Bruce Jenner.
Does anyone believe the bodybuilder who claims he never used protein suppliments?
No whey.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
James Franco responds to claims of s**... misconduct.
I did not touch them! It's not true! It's b**...! I did not touch them! I did naaaht.
Oh hi Mark.
A coworker claims I always have to one-up his stories.
But I know a guy that one-ups people's stories way more.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So Amy Schumer claims that a big time producer, s**... harassed her by asking her for a b**....
Turns out, he was just telling her she s**....
Julie Andrews withdraws her endorsement
Julie Andrews will no longer be endorsing Revlon Vibrant Shades lipstick, as she claims it breaks too easily and makes her breath smell.
In a statement she said, "The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis."
A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.
A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.
He has two in his boat when the police approach him.
The man claims he's not poaching them and they are his pet lobsters, he's just taking them for a swim.
"I let them play in the water for a few minutes but when I whistle they come back to me."
So the police let him place the lobsters in the water and command the man to call them back.
"Call who back?"
Two men are waiting for appointments with their insurance claims adjuster.
They chat and learn they have a common bond. The first one says "My restaurant was wiped out by a fire, everything inside was wrecked."
The second one says "Mine was taken out by a flood, total loss too."
The first one thinks a bit then asks "How do you start a flood?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A polish guy and a German guy are arguing..
The polish guy said Polish people are the smartest people in the world. He'd even made ludicrous claims. He said the Polish people invented the outhouse. The German looks at him and says "yes, but it was us d**... Germans who put the hole in the floor"
A new survey claims that 74% of Louisiana households are now considered overweight
The rest just don't see it as a problem.
Did you hear about the guy who claims to be martial arts master Bruce's son
AllegedLee
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man goes on a date with a patent examiner.
Things are going well, so they go back to his place, and end up having s**....
Afterwards, the man asks his date, "So, do you want to do this again tomorrow?"
His date replies: "I will report that your technique, while novel, is obvious to one skilled in the art. Also I found some of your more extraordinary claims to be unsubstantiated."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A blonde hooks up with a guy at a bar having met earlier on Tinder.
Straight away, she starts flirting with him, subtly at first, but it quickly escalates.
"I don't usually get much response to my profile, why'd you pick me?" asks the guy.
"Well, in all honesty, I mostly use Tinder for s**...", claims the blonde, "You're cute and I like what you wrote in your profile about being a unique".
"Um... I'm a e**..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Anyone who claims rivers flow south to north...
Is in de-Nile
My mayor claims he's a Honda dealer...
He calls his dealership the Civic Centre
I know a guy who claims to be a necrophiliac...
He came out of the casket.
She claims to love to travel on her Tinder profile....
Starts screaming the second you shut the trunk lid.
Socialism is the Axe Body Spray of political ideologies
It never does what it claims to do but people too young to know better keep buying it anyway.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Building an AI is like teenage s**...
- Everyone talks about it.
- Nobody really knows how to do it.
- Everyone thinks everyone else is doing it.
- So everyone claims they are doing it.
Shirt Power
My kid goes to school every day wearing a different color shirt and claims that she has the power of the color of the shirt, like red power and blue power. The problem arises when she picks a white shirt to wear.
My friend claims that his apartment is 100 feet from ceiling to floor.
Bit of a tall story if you ask me.
The U.S is so hypocritical
Claims to be a republic, yet uses the imperial system...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Apparently some n**... photos of Donald Trump have been leaked by a Whitehouse staff member...
...he claims it's all just fake n**....
A guy claims to have made a 20 lb hotdog
A butcher says ah, that's bologna
I don't understand Oganesson
It's currently the last element on the periodic table, but it claims to be the Og
