Claim Jokes

Following is our collection of existentialists humor and allege one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Claim puns for adults, dirty false jokes or clean taxpayer gags for kids.

There is an abundance of consideration jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 73 funniest jokes on claim. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any aver witze you can hear about claim.

The Best jokes about Claim

After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:

"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bombing and violence."

OK, there - I said it. Now can you please stop sending me death threats?

My little brother wanted to be treated like a prince...

...So I slit his throat while he was sleeping to ensure he didn't lay claim to my crown.

Bros v. Hoes

A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.
The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.

A man doesn't come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.

Roses are Red, Reposters are lame,

[This post has been removed due to a copyright claim.]

Just saw on the news that Apple is suing Samsung:

They claim that the Galaxy S3 has copied concepts used on the iPhone 6.


Scientists claim its impossible to fold a piece of paper 8 times.

They have obviously never seen me wiping my ass when there is only one sheet of toilet paper left.

Apparantly all flags on the moon have faded to white by now.

Now the French can claim to have been there.

I, Ceasar, when I heard of the name...

I, Ceasar, when I heard of the name

Of Cleopatra, I straightaway laid claim.

Ahead of my legions, she conquered my regions,

I saw, I conquered, I came.

my brother just called me (11pm) with a joke so funny he was still laughing

**what is a bear without teeth?**

**answer: a gummy bear**

since he made it up all by himself, i informed him that i could no longer publicly claim him as my brother. he understood completely.

The Flintstones

A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.

A spokesman for the channel said....'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour,

but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'

Sven and Ole joke (do your best Swedish accent when reading their lines)

Sven and Ole both lost their jobs when the clothing manufacturer they worked at closed. At the unemployment office, Sven was asked what position he held at the factory, he replied Ya, well I sew women's underpants. He was told to go to the next line to claim his unemployment check.

Ole was asked the same question, to which he replied Diesel fitter. He too was told to go to the next line to get his unemployment check.

After Sven and Ole collected their checks, they compared them outside. Ole's check was twice as much, which made Sven furious. He stormed back inside and asked to talk with a manager. He demanded to know why his check was half of what Ole's was. The manager told him, Well, you were a tailor, your friend Ole has a specialty in engine repair.

Sven's anger was boiling over. He loudly told them, WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I sew the underpants and put them in a pile, Ole holds them up and says Ya, diesel fitter. What has that got to do with engines?


"They say that if you do what you love, it's never a job."

"How inspirational. Unfortunately your unemployment claim has been denied."

How many Apples does it take to change a light bulb?

Two

One to change the bulb

The other to sell the iBulb for $600 and claim it's "revolutionary"

Some people claim Al Gore dances too robotically

He says its just his Al Gore rhythm

I've heard addicts claim that heroin became their "God" but...

...they're always taking his name in vein.

Scottish man at the ranch

A scottish man is visiting a texas oilman. They spend hours touring the ranch; it's an enormous property. Eventually the oilman brags, "I can jump in my car and drive until sun down. I'd never hit the edge of my claim!". The scotsman replies, "Aye, I had a car like that once too".

A Higgs Boson walks into a Church

They are aghast.

The priest says, "You!! You claim to be a god particle. Your kind are not allowed here."

HB replies, "Then how do you have mass?"

A doctor, lawyer, and an engineer are about to be guillotined...

The doctor is first. The guillotine comes down and stops halfway. The doctor immediately yells "This is God's will, I must not be killed". The executioner, not seeing anybody protest his claim, lets him go. The lawyer is next. He places his head down, and as the guillotine falls, it comes to a halt right above his neck. "This is an act of God," he exclaims, and is set free. Finally the engineer is about to be executed. He puts his neck down, and as the guillotine falls, yet again it stops right above his neck. He looks up and exclaims, "Hey, I see the problem!"

Nobody claims to like cancer when they're first diagonosed

But after a while, it tends to grow on you.


People who claim to talk to God are so delusional..

I've never talked to any of them.

My mom told me to go join ISIS...

She says I could learn how to claim responsibility for once

My friends all claim that I'm the cheapest person they ever met.

I don't buy it.

I don't know why people claim that Redditors don't have girlfriend. For instance, I got one.

She just goes to another school.

A divorced couple standing in court over a child custody, the mother makes her claim and says: "I had him in my womb for 9 months, so he is mine"

The judge turns to the father and asks: "and what is your claim?"
The man, smiling, says calmly: "Your honour, when I put a coin in the vending machine, the coke that comes out is mine or the machine's?"

People claim they're into

recycling, but just watch their faces when you rinse out a condom.

The Magic Mirror

This is a rumour that a magic mirror resides in New York City. Anyone who can tell the truth in front of it is granted 3 wishes of their choosing. Anyone who tells a lie is exploded.

3 girls, a blonde, a redhead and a brunette find the mirror and try to claim their wishes.

"I think I'm the prettiest girl in the world!" says the brunette.

She explodes on the spot.

"I think I'm the smartest girl in the world!" says the redhead.

She explodes on the spot.

"I think-" says the blonde.

She explodes on the spot.

A white supremacist gets tested for diseases

So much for their "pure blood" claim, the only thing that came up negative was their IQ test.

Scientists claim that after man dolphins rank 2nd in intelligence..

After that comes apes, then some species of parrots.

I guess that pushes women down to 5th.

Several hundred years ago...

Several hundred years ago, two rival villages would meet annually to compete in a religious ceremony. Both villages would send forth their strongest, fastest male to compete against the other - which involved climbing up a cliff to claim a cross-shaped stone. Legend had it that the cross, a symbol of luck and fertility, would bring good fortune on whichever village owned it.


The day came, and each village met at the cliff.


"Our representative, Tom Smith, is young and fit, and will surely bring us the symbol." claimed the first mayor.


"No, our fighter, Tom Jameson, is faster and stronger! The symbol is ours!"


The race began. Both men scrambled up the cliff side at an equal pace, eventually reaching the top at the same time. Both grabbed the cross simultaneously, each trying to wrestle it from the other.


"The symbol is ours!" cried Tom Smith.


"No! The symbol belongs to our village!" shouted Tom Jameson.


Both edged closer and closer to the cliff face, and in one violent motion, both Tom's and the symbol fell over the edge, smashing into the rocks below.


BA-BOOM-CHSSSHHH

How many Atheists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to actually do it, the other to film it so fundamentalists won't claim that God did it.

A man was killed by an assassin

An Irishman was killed by an assassin in his own home Thursday. Sources say the assailant was armed only with 2 porcelain figures. After beating the man to death, the assassin threw the body to several mongrel dogs that lived in a nearby wooded area.

Police claim it's the first known case of a Knick-Knack Paddy whack, give a dog a bone.

How to use religion to your advantage

1. Claim divine visitation of some nature
2. ???
3. Prophet

People claim that in the English language, y can be a vowel

but I think that's just a myth

What is empty and spins round and round?

A Malaysian Airlines baggage claim.

4 explorers find land north of the United States

4 explorers find land north of the United States, and decide to claim it as their own. They make a simple flag out of some leaves and stick it in the ground.

"Looks great, eh?" An explorer says.

A second explorer agrees. "Yeah, it's perfect! We can call it the official flag of... um..."

"...We need a name for this place, eh?" A third explorer says.

Everyone else nods in agreement. They start thinking of names for their new land, but can't really find one they like.

"How about this?" An explorer says. "We can write down some letters and throw them in a hat, then pick some at random and see if that helps."

The other explorers agree. "Sure, why not." "I suppose it can't hurt." "Worth a shot, eh?" So they write down some letters and throw them in a hat. Three explorers pick a letter at random, while the fourth one grabs some more writing supplies.

"Okay, what did you all get?"

"I got a 'C', eh?"

"I got a 'N', eh?"

"I got a 'D', eh?"

And so the new land was named, "CANADA".

Mothers on Facebook. Full time mummy is not a job.

Only Tutankhamun can claim that...

A stupid person buys a lottery ticket for $1

To his delight, he won a million dollars. Going forward to claim his prize, he was informed that he will be paid in $1000 instalments. Appalled and shocked, he shouted to the register, give me my million dollars or give me my $1 back

I don't understand why so many people claim that cancer is 'hard to beat'

I'm already on stage 4.

What do Baptist churches and YouTube comment sections have in common?

They both claim that they're first.

Some people claim Epstein killed himself.

Others are calling it fake noose.

Twilight is like the world cup.

They run around for a couple of hours, nobody scores, and millions of fans claim you don't understand.

The sexual position reverse cowgirl has been outlawed in West Virginia.

They claim turning your back on family is very insulting.

The Vatican has dispelled rumors that the Pope is resigning because he's a pedophile.

They claim he just got a little behind at work.

If your plane experiences turbulence, just pray. Works every time

Because no one alive has been able to claim otherwise.

Archaeologists discover the remains of a slave-worker under famous statue in Giza

Reports claim he died of Asphinxiation

Many people claim that they have difficulty sleeping.

However, I can even do it with my eyes closed.

Whatever people may say about ISIS...

...at least they claim responsibility for their actions.

What's the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods?

Santa Claus stops after three ho's.




I don't claim... heard from a colleague of mine.

A man dies in an accident

He never drank, nor smoked. He never had sex and never indulged in anything unhealthy.

The Life Insurance Company refused the claim on the note that 'How can someone have died if he had never lived in the first place?'

How does Romney only claim a 14% tax rate?

He claims 47% of the U.S. as dependents.

All of the parents who claim that vaccines cause autism have nothing to be afraid of.

You can't get autism twice.

99.99% of scientists claim that the Earth is, in fact, round.

Anyways, I lost my job as a scientist today.

It is claimed that Trump thought Finland was controlled by Russia

Finnish officials shrugged and said they thought the same was true of Trump

She claims to love to travel on her Tinder profile....

Starts screaming the second you shut the trunk lid.

How many grad students does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. One to make the change, but 3 will claim co-authorship.

Claims that cloud storage is the future of smartphone memory issues

Sounds good, but I have no data to back it up.

A marijuana plantation was set on fire

witnesses claim a dragon is responsible.

My parents claim I'm using alcohol as a crutch

I told them to stop being naive, crutches help you walk

Russian roulette

five out of six scientists claim that playing russian roulette its absolutely safe!

I had to file a sexual harassment claim against a squirrel in the park yesterday...

...he wouldn't stop trying to grab my nut sack.

A protestor walks into a bar

Or so the police claim.

When guys claim to have had a threesome, the next question is usually, "How was it?"

In my case, that question is shortened to one word.

Most Airlines claim to have claim their customer service is "unbeatable"

Only United can say its is "undefeated"

Why does O.J. Simpson claim that he's not a murderer?

He's an ex-murderer.

TIL that while little is known about the Tiananmen Square "Tank Man," many eyewitnesses claim that he was actually run over shortly after the famous footage was taken. Indeed, the Mandarin nickname for this folk hero is "The Lobster"...

...because he was a crushed Asian.

I left my Adderall in my Ford Fiesta,

It is now a Ford Focus.

I can't claim credit for this one, I heard it on one of my favorite streamers' streams.

What's a word in English that is both a word and sentence

"Prison". Although some may claim it is actually "marriage".

I say same difference.

Today, something disturbing is announced on the news.

"Flat Earthers claim to have members all around the globe."

Police are reporting that they have just located a truck of stollen goods

Though they are not hopeful that anyone will come forward to claim the German fruitcake.

A university has been accused of not having enough people of colour on their competitive speech recital team.

To tackle the problem they took a bunch of students and covered them in body paint.

They now claim they have achieved their dye varsity quoters.

How do you celebrate Christopher Columbus day?

Barge into your neighbor's home and claim it as yours.

I heard Roy Moore fell off the wagon after losing on Tuesday...

Several sources claim he was heard repeatedly asking for a decent 15 year old Brandy.

Why do the French claim the moon as theirs?

All the flags on the moon have turned white

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes