The Best 73 Claim Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Claim jokes. There are some claim allege jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these claim taxpayer puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Claim Jokes and Puns

After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:

"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bombing and violence."

OK, there - I said it. Now can you please stop sending me death threats?

Twilight is like the world cup.

They run around for a couple of hours, nobody scores, and millions of fans claim you don't understand.

Sven and Ole joke (do your best Swedish accent when reading their lines)

Sven and Ole both lost their jobs when the clothing manufacturer they worked at closed. At the unemployment office, Sven was asked what position he held at the factory, he replied Ya, well I sew women's underpants. He was told to go to the next line to claim his unemployment check.

Ole was asked the same question, to which he replied Diesel fitter. He too was told to go to the next line to get his unemployment check.

After Sven and Ole collected their checks, they compared them outside. Ole's check was twice as much, which made Sven furious. He stormed back inside and asked to talk with a manager. He demanded to know why his check was half of what Ole's was. The manager told him, Well, you were a tailor, your friend Ole has a specialty in engine repair.

Sven's anger was boiling over. He loudly told them, WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I sew the underpants and put them in a pile, Ole holds them up and says Ya, diesel fitter. What has that got to do with engines?

Claim joke, Sven and Ole joke (do your best Swedish accent when reading their lines)

How many Atheists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to actually do it, the other to film it so fundamentalists won't claim that God did it.

How does Romney only claim a 14% tax rate?

He claims 47% of the U.S. as dependents.


The Vatican has dispelled rumors that the Pope is resigning because he's a pedophile.

They claim he just got a little behind at work.

Scottish man at the ranch

A scottish man is visiting a texas oilman. They spend hours touring the ranch; it's an enormous property. Eventually the oilman brags, "I can jump in my car and drive until sun down. I'd never hit the edge of my claim!". The scotsman replies, "Aye, I had a car like that once too".

Claim joke, Scottish man at the ranch

A marijuana plantation was set on fire

witnesses claim a dragon is responsible.

Just saw on the news that Apple is suing Samsung:

They claim that the Galaxy S3 has copied concepts used on the iPhone 6.

I, Ceasar, when I heard of the name...

I, Ceasar, when I heard of the name

Of Cleopatra, I straightaway laid claim.

Ahead of my legions, she conquered my regions,

I saw, I conquered, I came.

What's the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods?

Santa Claus stops after three ho's.

I don't claim... heard from a colleague of mine.

You can explore claim existentialists reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean claim false dad jokes. There are also claim puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Bros v. Hoes

A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.
The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.

A man doesn't come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.

The Flintstones

A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.

A spokesman for the channel said....'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour,

but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'

Nobody claims to like cancer when they're first diagonosed

But after a while, it tends to grow on you.

A man dies in an accident

He never drank, nor smoked. He never had sex and never indulged in anything unhealthy.

The Life Insurance Company refused the claim on the note that 'How can someone have died if he had never lived in the first place?'

Why does O.J. Simpson claim that he's not a murderer?

He's an ex-murderer.

Claim joke, Why does O.J. Simpson claim that he's not a murderer?

People claim they're into

recycling, but just watch their faces when you rinse out a condom.

What is empty and spins round and round?

A Malaysian Airlines baggage claim.

I've heard addicts claim that heroin became their "God" but...

...they're always taking his name in vein.


When guys claim to have had a threesome, the next question is usually, "How was it?"

In my case, that question is shortened to one word.

I left my Adderall in my Ford Fiesta,

It is now a Ford Focus.

I can't claim credit for this one, I heard it on one of my favorite streamers' streams.

People who claim to talk to God are so delusional..

I've never talked to any of them.

I had to file a sexual harassment claim against a squirrel in the park yesterday...

...he wouldn't stop trying to grab my nut sack.

Archaeologists discover the remains of a slave-worker under famous statue in Giza

Reports claim he died of Asphinxiation

People claim that in the English language, y can be a vowel

but I think that's just a myth

my brother just called me (11pm) with a joke so funny he was still laughing

**what is a bear without teeth?**

**answer: a gummy bear**

since he made it up all by himself, i informed him that i could no longer publicly claim him as my brother. he understood completely.

Most Airlines claim to have claim their customer service is "unbeatable"

Only United can say its is "undefeated"

A divorced couple standing in court over a child custody, the mother makes her claim and says: "I had him in my womb for 9 months, so he is mine"

The judge turns to the father and asks: "and what is your claim?"
The man, smiling, says calmly: "Your honour, when I put a coin in the vending machine, the coke that comes out is mine or the machine's?"

My mom told me to go join ISIS...

She says I could learn how to claim responsibility for once

Whatever people may say about ISIS...

...at least they claim responsibility for their actions.

My little brother wanted to be treated like a prince...

...So I slit his throat while he was sleeping to ensure he didn't lay claim to my crown.

How many grad students does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. One to make the change, but 3 will claim co-authorship.

How many Apples does it take to change a light bulb?

Two

One to change the bulb

The other to sell the iBulb for $600 and claim it's "revolutionary"

A white supremacist gets tested for diseases

So much for their "pure blood" claim, the only thing that came up negative was their IQ test.

Claims that cloud storage is the future of smartphone memory issues

Sounds good, but I have no data to back it up.

A man was killed by an assassin

An Irishman was killed by an assassin in his own home Thursday. Sources say the assailant was armed only with 2 porcelain figures. After beating the man to death, the assassin threw the body to several mongrel dogs that lived in a nearby wooded area.

Police claim it's the first known case of a Knick-Knack Paddy whack, give a dog a bone.

Apparantly all flags on the moon have faded to white by now.

Now the French can claim to have been there.

What do Baptist churches and YouTube comment sections have in common?

They both claim that they're first.

A stupid person buys a lottery ticket for $1

To his delight, he won a million dollars. Going forward to claim his prize, he was informed that he will be paid in $1000 instalments. Appalled and shocked, he shouted to the register, give me my million dollars or give me my $1 back

A Higgs Boson walks into a Church

They are aghast.

The priest says, "You!! You claim to be a god particle. Your kind are not allowed here."

HB replies, "Then how do you have mass?"

She claims to love to travel on her Tinder profile....

Starts screaming the second you shut the trunk lid.

Scientists claim that after man dolphins rank 2nd in intelligence..

After that comes apes, then some species of parrots.

I guess that pushes women down to 5th.

I don't understand why so many people claim that cancer is 'hard to beat'

I'm already on stage 4.

Mothers on Facebook. Full time mummy is not a job.

Only Tutankhamun can claim that...

"They say that if you do what you love, it's never a job."

"How inspirational. Unfortunately your unemployment claim has been denied."

How to use religion to your advantage

1. Claim divine visitation of some nature
2. ???
3. Prophet

Some people claim Al Gore dances too robotically

He says its just his Al Gore rhythm

TIL that while little is known about the Tiananmen Square "Tank Man," many eyewitnesses claim that he was actually run over shortly after the famous footage was taken. Indeed, the Mandarin nickname for this folk hero is "The Lobster"...

...because he was a crushed Asian.

The sexual position reverse cowgirl has been outlawed in West Virginia.

They claim turning your back on family is very insulting.

99.99% of scientists claim that the Earth is, in fact, round.

Anyways, I lost my job as a scientist today.

All of the parents who claim that vaccines cause autism have nothing to be afraid of.

You can't get autism twice.

My friends all claim that I'm the cheapest person they ever met.

I don't buy it.

If your plane experiences turbulence, just pray. Works every time

Because no one alive has been able to claim otherwise.

Russian roulette

five out of six scientists claim that playing russian roulette its absolutely safe!

My parents claim I'm using alcohol as a crutch

I told them to stop being naive, crutches help you walk

A protestor walks into a bar

Or so the police claim.

It is claimed that Trump thought Finland was controlled by Russia

Finnish officials shrugged and said they thought the same was true of Trump

Some people claim Epstein killed himself.

Others are calling it fake noose.

Scientists claim its impossible to fold a piece of paper 8 times.

They have obviously never seen me wiping my ass when there is only one sheet of toilet paper left.

Many people claim that they have difficulty sleeping.

However, I can even do it with my eyes closed.

I don't know why people claim that Redditors don't have girlfriend. For instance, I got one.

She just goes to another school.

I think that one puppet from Sesame Street is my favorite vampire ever.

Some people claim he doesn't count, but I'm certain that he does.

How to start a cult

1. Claim you have talked to God
2. ???
3. >!Prophet!<

People claim ghosts are real...

But I've lived in this house for 527 years and I've never seen one.

Americans: "This is not who we are."

ⓘ This claim is disputed

Roses are red, reposting is lame,

[this post was removed due to a copyright claim.]

I'm not claiming my neighbor is in the mob, but...

There was a mole in my yard and I asked him to help me kill it.
He asked if it needed to look like an accident.

I dispute those studies that claim people often die from smoking.

My uncle smoked, and he only died once.

There was a fire at my local model village today

Eye witness reports claim that flames could be seen from up to 3 feet away

EA have been hit by ransomware and need to pay up to $7,000,000

Hackers claim they want EA to feel a sense of pride and accomplishment when they finally unlock their information

The kind of joke that should have been invented by a six year old, but instead by me, a thirtysomething: What kind of fungus grows on a cow?

a mooooshroom

(I don't know if I can actually claim credit as an inventor of this joke, but I've never heard it anywhere)

I had an argument with my friend. She thinks the reason we men make so many more sexist remarks about women than the other way around is because in our patriarchal society men need to claim their superiority to women all the time.

I think it is because we are just better at it.

I could never be a greeter at a steakhouse.

They always want you to pick your cut from the case before you are seated.

I wouldn't know whether to ask customers to stake their claim or claim their steak.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the claim consideration jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working claim aver piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes