Civilian Jokes
19 civilian jokes and hilarious civilian puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about civilian that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Civilian Short Jokes
Short civilian jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The civilian humour may include short citizen jokes also.
- Why does the military only allow dress shirts at its ceremonies? Because civilian casual tees are unacceptable.
- Why do soldiers have to wear such fancy uniforms? Because they don't allow civilian casual tees!
- A police officer shoots and kills an unarmed civilian The officer is immediately arrested and eventually found guilty
- A civilian has taken control of the capital of South Korea... ...he's got Seoul, but he's not a soldier.
- A woman started attacking civilians with an axe. Cops were present, but did nothing. They were stunned by her cleavage.
- Biochemists at Chipotle have discovered a way to defeat ISIS militants without any civilian casualties Free Burrito Bowls.
- FBI responds to increased number of botched investigations resulting in civilian casualties By adding a new definition for "botched" to urban dictionary; successful
- What's the difference between a t**... and a civilian? I don't know man, I just fly the drones.
- So everyone talking about Pro-Russian Separatists accidentally shooting down a civilian plane.... They sound like Amateur-Russian Separatists to me.
^^b**...-dum-tiss
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Civilian One Liners
Which civilian one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with civilian? I can suggest the ones about civic and military.
- An officer accidentally hit a civilian He was the first officer on the scene.
- Hindsight is 20/20. Or 8:20 PM, for the civilians out there.
- What's a civilian called in military slang? A collateral damage still alive.
- What lives in the middle east,has explosives strapped to it and kills civilians. Drones.
- where did the civilians go during the b**...? everywhere.
Howlingly Hilarious Civilian Jokes for All Ages to Enjoy
What funny jokes about civilian you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean military veteran jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make civilian pranks.
A police officer pulls a man over
"Licence and registration!" - the police officer says.
"Certainly, officer!", replies the civilian.
"Do you know why I pulled you over?", asks the officer.
The civilian replies: "I assume you are collecting donations for the policemans' ball."
"Sir, the police doesn't have b**....", the officer says.
There is a moment of silence, and then the officer just hands the civilian his documentation, goes back to his car and drives away.
A Navy ship hailed a civilian at sea...
**Navy**: We ask that you divert your course 15 degrees north, to avoid collision.
**Civilian**: Negative. Recommend that *you* divert 15 degrees north, to avoid collision.
**Navy**: This is the Captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert your course.
**Civilian**: Negative. I say again, recommend you change course.
**Navy**: This is the aircraft carrier *Enterprise*! We are a large warship of the U.S. Navy! Divert your course *immediately*!
**Civilian**: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Network administrator
A network administrator decided to join the military, and as part of his basic training, he went out on the rifle range.
After taking a hundred shots and missing every one, the man's DI (drill instructor) came by to see what was wrong.
"What's the matter with you?" he asked. "Why can't you hit the target? What were you in civilian life?"
"I was a network administrator," replied the new recruit, "and I don't know why I can't hit the target. Let me see..."
The recruit checked his rifle, checked his rifle again, and checked his rifle a third time. He then put his finger in front of the muzzle, pulled the trigger, and blew the end of his finger off.
"Well," the he said, writhing in pain, "the bullets are leaving here fine. The trouble must be on the other end!"
So a recently separated veteran gets a civilian job.
He does a wonderful job, but there's only one problem: he always shows up late.
So his boss takes him aside and asks him, "Weren't you in the military? What would your leadership say if you were late?"
The veteran replies, "They'd say, 'Good morning, Sergeant Major. Your coffee's on your desk.'"
A man calls the National Security Agency...
Man: Hello, I heard you record all our phone conversations, is that correct?
Agent: No sir, we don't do that
Man: Oh shoot. I was just talking to my wife and she gave me a list of things to do and I can't remember! I thought I would check with you rather than call her back and let her know I wasn't listening!
Agent: I'm sorry to hear that sir, but as I said, we don't listen to civilian conversations. However, you should:
1. Pick up a gallon of milk
2. 2 dozen eggs
3. 4 Macintosh apples
4. Help Sofia with her math homework
....
My wife and I were walking in Rome. The was a lone old guy at the other side of the street. My wife said, He looks like the Pope in civilian clothes. Go and ask!
So I crossed the road and asked the old man if he was indeed the Pope.
He said, F**k off.
I went back to my wife who eagerly asked, Well? Tell me, is he the Pope?
I said, He told me to f**k off.
Oh no, said my wife, Now we'll never know.
A News Anchor is in an Islamic country interviewing the civilians.
The news anchor asks a woman:"Are you being oppressed?"
The woman stutters:"I...I have to ask my husband."
Source/Inspiration: Dutch comedian Hans Teeuwen
The year is 1945...
The Soviet army is pushing closer to Berlin with each day. As they march closer, they start to find the concentration camps. In one of these camps, a Polish man with a limited knowledge of the Russian language is talking to Russian military officers about the camps, with assistance from a translator. As he explains, he reaches a word he doesn't know, and turns to the translator.
"How do you say civilians?"
"Acceptable casualties."
