Civil Jokes

Following is our collection of lawsuits puns and postulate one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Civil jokes for adults, dirty civic jokes and clean extremes dad gags for kids.

The Best Civil Puns

I did an ancestry.com family history today and found out that my great grandfather helped Rosa Parks initiate the civil rights movement

He was the guy who said, "Get up, that's my seat."

Three Engineers are having an argument...

The first says: "God must be a mechanical engineer -- just look at the joints in the human body."

The second says: "God is an electrical engineer -- just look at the nervous system."

The third says: "God has to be a civil engineer -- who else would run a waste disposal pipeline through a perfectly good recreational area?"

Civil War spoilers

Lee surrenders at Appomatox Courthouse, Abe Lincoln is shot by John Wilkes Booth.

Three engineers were discussing who could have been the architect of the human body.

The first said, "It definitely was a Mechanical Engineer, look at all the joints."

The second said, "Nah dude, it was an Electrical Engineer, look at all the electrical connections from the brain."

The third said, "Nope, only a Civil Engineer will run piping carrying sanitation waste right next to a recreational area."

Engineers

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons.

Civil engineers build targets.


Just watched Captain America: Civil War for the first time

Couldn't get enough, so I looked out of the window to watch America: Civil War.

People are really upset about how the cast of Hamilton treated Mike Pence.

I mean, the last time people were this upset about something an actor did to a Republican in a theater, the Civil War had just ended.

Who designed the human body?

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints!"

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through the recreational area?"

Three boys are bragging about whose dad is the fastest runner...

The first says "My dad is a hunter. He can shoot an arrow, run to where it's gonna land and catch it!"

"That's nothing!" says the second boy "My dad's a police officer. He can shoot a bullet and be at the target before the bullet hits!"

"My dad can run the fastest!" says the third boy. "He's a civil servant. He works till 4 and is always home by 3:30!"

Why did the French have so many civil wars?

So they can win once in a while

A mechanical, electrical, and civil engineer were discussing God.

The mechanical engineer said, God had to have been a mechanical engineer. Look at the skeleton and how it's designed.

The electrical engineer said, No, no, no. God was an electrical engineer. Look at the nervous system and the way it works.

The civil engineer said, God had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a waste disposal pipeline through a great recreational area?


where did the civilians go during the bombing?

everywhere.

Why wasn't Daredevil in Civil War?

He doesn't work well with Vision

Britain has invented a new missile

It's called the civil servant - it doesn't work and it can't be fired.

Why do the French have so many civil wars?

So they can win one every now and again. (Thanks, John Cleese! This was too good not to share.)

Back in the civil war, gunshot wounds used to be the most gruesome, awful way to die.

Now it's considered kid stuff.

What do you call a snake that works for the government?

A civil Serpent

Poor planning?

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "it was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "no, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last said, "actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a civil engineer were having a drink after work

As they drank, the conversation turned to God. Obviously, he was an engineer! But what sort of engineer?

The mechanical engineer brought up the perfection of the human joints and musculature. Surely that proved God was a mechanical engineer!

The electrical engineer responded that, without the brains and nerves, those muscles and joints would be useless. God must be an electrical engineer!

The civil engineer just looked at the two of them and shook his head. "Who else but a civil engineer would put the sewer outflow right in the middle of the entertainment district?"


Three engineering students.

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

A Glasgow girl goes to the Civic Center to register for child benefit.

"How many children?" asks the civil servant?

"10" replies the girl.

"10???" says the civil servant.. "What are their names?"

"Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec and.....eh...Alec

"Doesn't that get confusing?" "

Naw..." says the girl "its great because if thur oot playin in the street, ah jist huv tae shout ALEC, YER DINNER'S READY or ALEC, GO TO BED NOW 'n' they aw dae it..."

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed civil servant.

"'at's easy," says the girl... "Ah just use thur surnames"

Three Engineers

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a civil engineer are sitting around and talking about God.

The mechanical engineer says, "God is a mechanical engineer. Just look at the human body - a light-weight skeleton with moving parts holding up a massive frame of muscle and fat. God must be a mechanical engineer!"

The electrical engineer disagrees. "No, no. God is an electrical engineer. Just look at the human body - the nerve system routes electrical signals to the brain which is essentially a computer. God must be an electrical engineer!"

The civil engineer disagrees. "No, no. God is a civil engineer. Just look at the human body - only a civil engineer would run a toxic waste pipe through a playground."

So John Kelly claims that the lack of an ability to compromise led to the Civil War...

I wouldn't say that's 100% accurate, but at least 3/5ths.

Rick Santorum is claiming that Mitt Romney and Ron Paul have teamed up against him...

Which is kind of ironic — that Santorum can be brought down by two men forming a civil union.

Sometimes I struggle to understand jokes about the Civil War.

I just General Lee don't get them.

"Y'know with all the civil unrest, political corruption, class divides, drug smuggling, gang wars, police brutality, gun violence, and poor education maybe building a wall to protect us from our southern neighbors isn't such a bad idea"

\- Canada

Three engineers are debating what kind of engineer designed the human body

The first says "It has to be an electric engineer! The nervous system resembles some fantastic electrical work!"

The second says "It was obviously a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints throughout the human body."

The third says "It was a civil engineer! Who else would put a waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Why was Civil Disobedience such a good essay?

Thoreau editing.

Why Americans don't need to feel bad when they are criticized by the British

Sometimes I hear people from Great Britain talk about how bad the education is in The US. I do get a little offended, but then I realize they are just salty because we beat them in The Civil War.

What was Morgan Freeman called before the civil war?

Morgan.

An electrical engineer, a mechanical engineer, and a civil engineer are discussing the nature of God

"God is an electrical engineer" says the EE. "Look at the nervous system! It's all electrical impulses."

"Nonsense," says the ME. "God's a mechanical engineer. Look at the muscles and bones. That's mechnical engineering."

The civil engineer demurs.

"God is a civil engineer. Who else would put a waste disposal pipe through the middle of a recreational area?"

Even if I end up being a civil engineer I won't build tunnels.

Because it's boring.

Three engineers argue about who designed the human body

"Look at all the supports and joints... " said the first engineer, "... it must have been a structural engineer."

"No, no, it was an electrical engineer; just look at the nervous system and all its connections and wiring." said the second engineer.

"Both of you are wrong" exclaimed the third engineer. "It was a civil engineer, because only a civil engineer would run a toxic pipeline through the middle of a recreational area."

Today I learned about Harvey E. Brown, a civil war surgeon who had so many amputations he ran out of fake legs and had to use a shovel.

It was a ground-breaking medical procedure.

Three engineers are discussing God's engineering background.

The first one says, "God was clearly an electrical engineer. The human nervous system is a feat of electrical engineering genius!"

The second one says, "Absolutely not! He was a mechanical engineer. The way the muscles and bones interact are mechanically brilliant!"

The third one says, "Nope, you're both idiots. God was a civil engineer. Who else would run a sewage line right through a playground?"

How are your parents? shouted Cromwell across the battlefield. And the king replied: They're very well, thank you. Isn't the weather nice for this time of year?

It was civil war.

I can't believe AntMan and Spider-Man are in civil war.

That really bugs me.

A joke from Civil War History Class today

Teacher asks: 'The southern plantations were very wealthy. Exactly how much of that wealth did the slaves get?'

Student answers: 'A whip'

[SPOILER] Ending of Civil War.

Lincoln gets killed at the end.

I don't understand why there's confusion arround the civil rights movement.

It's a black and white issue.

What do you call a civil rights activists who's also a shower sponge?

Martin Loofah King

I was researching the Jackson family tree.

I got back as far as the civil war and then I hit a stone wall.

The next time you meet someone who says they're a civil engineer,

Tell them, "That's wonderful! Engineers are usually so rude!"

[sorry, not useful unless you meet a lot of civil engineers]

More than half of $2.6bn (£1.9bn) in donations made at a special one-day conference to ease the humanitarian crisis in Yemen were pledged by countries that are either fighting in the civil war or selling arms to those undertaking the fighting.

When life gives you Yemen, you give Yemen aid.

Warning! Civil War Spoilers!

The Confederates lose

A beautiful prostitute attended a high profile function..

When it was time for introductions you could hear, I am Dr this and that, professor this or that, Barristers, engineers this and that.
When it was the turn of the prostitute, she calmly said she is a Civil Engineer.
Another curious engineer in the room got interested and asked her for area of specialization.
The lady calmly responded "I demolish erections"

Civil war

To all of the Hillary supporters who are unhappy with the election and would like to start a civil war, just remember, you are on the side that doesn't want any guns.

We all know about the American Civil War...

But the Canadian Civil War was resolved with a handshake and an apology... making it more civil than any war ever.

Civil War puns are the best

And General Lee, they're easy to make.

One day, Johnny's teacher asks him...

One day, Johnny's teacher asks him to give her a sentence about the Civil War. She tells him to talk about defense and defeat and instructs him to use detail in his sentence. So Johnny says "When the war horse jumped over defense, defeat came before detail."

A civilization of sentient deer may sound interesting

But I get the strange feeling that they'd make no progress in advancing their own culture once they come into contact with humans.

I guess that's what happens when you encounter Stagnation

Southerners can do pretty good civil war voice impressions....

General Lee speaking.

What does Captain America and Spain have in common?

A horrific Civil War

A missile wasn't fired...

But someone in civil defense sure will be.

Why wouldn't you ever see a pachyderm on a civil warship?

Because an elephant never frigates.



aaahhhthankyou

Me: "Dude! Help! I'm convinced that I'm possessed by the ghost of an American Civil War General!" Ed: "That's incredible! Are you sure, man?"

Me: "Nope, but 'Grant,' Ed - that's a good guess."

Ed: "Are you ever possessed by confederate commanders?"

Me: "General Lee? No."

engineers

4 engineers are traveling down a road when suddenly the car comes to a stop

The electrical engineer says "the battery died"

The chemical engineer says "we ran out of fuel"

The civil engineer says "the road shredded the tires"

The computer engineer says "why don't we get out of the car and then back in?"

Donald Trump doesn't believe there were any lynchings during the Civil War.

When asked about it, He said it was just a case of Fake Noose

God is obviously a Civil Engineer...

... Only a civil engineer would route a sewage system through a playground.

A 178 year old Civil War survivor told me this joke.

Me: "Hey old man, tell me a joke from the war!!"

Him: "I can't remember any - I General Lee didnt find them very funny."

What caused the civil war in Ethiopia?

Too many Negus.

Why did the Mexican civil war last so long?

Because they were fighting Juan on Juan.

Medical bills are expensive

but let's take comfort that it isn't like the civil war era. Doctors would charge an arm and a leg back than

Fan's of Marvel should be happy with the election results.

Looks like you'll be getting a Civil War sequel much earlier than anticipated.

Why are there no more civil war reenactments any more?

Half the guys keep getting into fights and being arrested on their way to events.

What do you call a white civil rights activist?

Talcum X

I like my women like I like my engineers...

...civil.

Everyone keeps talking about how Rosa Parks stood up for civil rights.

I thought the whole point was that they DIDN'T stand up??

What do you call a Mexican supremacist organization against civil rights?

The Que Que Que.

Civilian: Detective! There's been a robbery at my apartment!

Detective: What did they take?

Civilian: The TV, the music system, all the cash from my locker, the mini fridge, my most expensive bottle of champagne!

Detective: What was the point of entry?

Civilian: I guess they wanted to get rich

Today someone told me this joke about the stereotype that we Swabians are stingy

A Swabian goes to the registry office and asks how he can change his name.

The civil servant asks him, why he needs the name change.

The Swabian answers: "I found a box full of business cards in the street yesterday."

The difference between a cookie and a cracker.

Cookies don't care if you pull down a civil war statue.

A civilian has taken control of the capital of South Korea...

...he's got Seoul, but he's not a soldier.

There is an abundance of emp jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 73 funniest jokes and civil puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any union witze you can hear about civil.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes