Civil Jokes
153 civil jokes and hilarious civil puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about civil that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Find laughter in the fields of civil engineering, civil war, civil servants, civil rights and civil procedure. Our collection of civil jokes includes jokes related to judicial behavior, civility and lawsuits. No matter the profession, these jokes are sure to bring a smile.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Civil Short Jokes
Short civil jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The civil humour may include short civic jokes also.
- I did an ancestry.com family history today and found out that my great grandfather helped rosa Parks initiate the civil rights movement He was the guy who said, "Get up, that's my seat."
- Civil War spoilers Lee surrenders at Appomatox Courthouse, Abe Lincoln is shot by John Wilkes Booth.
- Engineers What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons.
Civil engineers build targets. - Just watched Captain America: Civil War for the first time Couldn't get enough, so I looked out of the window to watch America: Civil War.
- Britain has invented a new missile It's called the civil servant - it doesn't work and it can't be fired.
- Why do the French have so many civil wars? So they can win one every now and again. (Thanks, John Cleese! This was too good not to share.)
- What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
- Back in the civil war, gunshot wounds used to be the most gruesome, awful way to die. Now it's considered kid stuff.
- So John Kelly claims that the lack of an ability to compromise led to the Civil War... I wouldn't say that's 100% accurate, but at least 3/5ths.
- Sometimes I struggle to understand jokes about the Civil War. I just General Lee don't get them.
Share These Civil Jokes With Friends
Civil One Liners
Which civil one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with civil? I can suggest the ones about crime and urban.
- Why did the French have so many civil wars? So they can win once in a while
- Why did the Egyptian Civilization decline? It turned out to be a giant pyramid scheme.
- Why wasn't Daredevil in Civil War? He doesn't work well with Vision
- What do you call a snake that works for the government? A civil Serpent
- Civil war jokes are the worst I General Lee don't find them funny at all.
- Did you hear about the snake who worked for the government? He was a civil serpent.
- Why was Civil Disobedience such a good essay? Thoreau editing.
- What was Morgan Freeman called before the civil war? Morgan.
- Even if I end up being a civil engineer I won't build tunnels. Because it's boring.
- I can't believe AntMan and Spider-Man are in civil war. That really bugs me.
- I'm not a fan of Civil War jokes. I General Lee do not find them funny.
- [SPOILER] Ending of Civil War. Lincoln gets killed at the end.
- What do you call a civil rights activists who's also a shower sponge? Martin Loofah King
- Do you like jokes about the American Civil War? No, I General Lee don't find them funny
- What do you call a mediocre civilization? A So-society.
Civil War Jokes
Here is a list of funny civil war jokes and even better civil war puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Today I learned about Harvey E. Brown, a civil war surgeon who had so many amputations he ran out of fake legs and had to use a shovel. It was a ground-breaking medical procedure.
- A joke from Civil War History Class today Teacher asks: 'The southern plantations were very wealthy. Exactly how much of that wealth did the slaves get?'
Student answers: 'A whip' - How are your parents? shouted Cromwell across the battlefield. And the king replied: They're very well, thank you. Isn't the weather nice for this time of year? It was civil war.
- You got to admit these civil war reenactments are getting more efficient Nowadays it only takes a couple hours for the confederacy to surrender
- I was researching the Jackson family tree. I got back as far as the civil war and then I hit a stone wall.
- We all know about the American Civil War... But the Canadian Civil War was resolved with a handshake and an apology... making it more civil than any war ever.
- Civil war To all of the Hillary supporters who are unhappy with the election and would like to start a civil war, just remember, you are on the side that doesn't want any guns.
- Warning! Civil War Spoilers! The Confederates lose
- Civil War puns are the best And General Lee, they're easy to make.
- Southerners can do pretty good civil war voice impressions.... General Lee speaking.
Civil Engineer Jokes
Here is a list of funny civil engineer jokes and even better civil engineer puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- The next time you meet someone who says they're a civil engineer, Tell them, "That's wonderful! Engineers are usually so rude!"
[sorry, not useful unless you meet a lot of civil engineers] - Everyone hated the egotistical civil engineer. He got too big for his bridges.
- What's a civil engineer's favorite type of tea? Structural integri-tea
- I have a civil engineering joke... but it's still under construction.
- God is obviously a Civil Engineer... ... Only a civil engineer would route a sewage system through a playground.
- I like my women like I like my engineers... ...civil.
- Civil engineer fired after forgetting how to design electricity-generating water barriers. He lost his dam mind.
- My brother works as a part time civil engineer and part time relationship therapist He's an expert at building bridges
- It was very difficult to get my degree in civil engineering. But I built a bridge and got over it.
- I saw some people building a new bridge near me. Every lunch break they would sit down for afternoon tea complete with tablecloth and napkins. It was very civil engineering.
Civil Engineering Jokes
Here is a list of funny civil engineering jokes and even better civil engineering puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I failed my civil engineering exam today Apparently, "Mexicans" wasn't an appropriate answer to the question "What is commonly found behind walls?"
- Why did the mechanical engineer get kicked out of the club? It was all civil until he walked in.
- Traffic Two civil engineers were competing for a bid to do the road layout for a city. The engineer that lost accused the other of cheating, to which the winner said "Roundabouts are fair play".
- [joke request] Civil engineering jokes, (Bridges, sewers, roads, engineers in general) What is the best joke you have related to Civil Engineering.
- What do you call a polite man who builds bridges? A civil engineer
- Why was the civil engineer's relationship so unstable? Because there was no truss left!
- What do you call a caveman building a road? An un-civil engineer
- If you think s**... is just filling her hole Then you're a civil engineer, not a lover
Civil Rights Jokes
Here is a list of funny civil rights jokes and even better civil rights puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I don't understand why there's confusion arround the civil rights movement. It's a black and white issue.
- What civil rights leader sold the most sponges? Martin Loofa King
- Everyone keeps talking about how Rosa Parks stood up for civil rights. I thought the whole point was that they DIDN'T stand up??
- What do you call a white civil rights activist? Talcum X
- A pirate is sitting at a bar... In walks in a civil rights activist, a communist, and a dog.
The pirate says, "Well, today's my lucky day! X, Marx, and the Spot!" - What do you call a Mexican supremacist organization against civil rights? The Que Que Que.
- I'm a cop and I got caught choking the chicken in public I was revoked of my badge and sentenced to three years jail time. The chicken filed a civil rights suit and received 3 million in reparations
- I heard Frankie Muniz is going to be playing a 1960's civil rights leader, in the upcoming film... 'Malcolm X in the Middle'.
- Finger Brutality is real against boogers It's a civil rights tissue
- If India was to break out into a civil war right now... It could technically be considered the Third World War.
Civil Servant Jokes
Here is a list of funny civil servant jokes and even better civil servant puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- An honest politician, a hard-working civil servant and Santa Claus find a 100 dollar bill. Who gets to keep it?
Santa does, the other two are creatures of myth and legend. - Did you hear about the math club's failed attempt to overthrow the government by gradually filling in vacant civil servant jobs with their members? It was a pseudo-coup.
- A mugger attacks a man in an alley, and demands all his money. The man cries, "I'm a civil servant; I don't *have* any money!"
The mugger sneers, "Alright. Then give me all of *my* money." - How many civil servants does it take to set fire to Guy Fawkes on November 5th?
Twenty, One to strike the match and nineteen to fill in the paper work.
Hilarious Civil Jokes that Bring Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about civil you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean cola jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make civil pranks.
Rick s**... is claiming that mitt romney and Ron Paul have teamed up against him...
Which is kind of ironic — that s**... can be brought down by two men forming a civil union.
One day, Johnny's teacher asks him...
One day, Johnny's teacher asks him to give her a sentence about the Civil War. She tells him to talk about defense and defeat and instructs him to use detail in his sentence. So Johnny says "When the war horse jumped over defense, defeat came before detail."
Three Engineers
A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a civil engineer are sitting around and talking about God.
The mechanical engineer says, "God is a mechanical engineer. Just look at the human body - a light-weight skeleton with moving parts holding up a massive frame of muscle and fat. God must be a mechanical engineer!"
The electrical engineer disagrees. "No, no. God is an electrical engineer. Just look at the human body - the nerve system routes electrical signals to the brain which is essentially a computer. God must be an electrical engineer!"
The civil engineer disagrees. "No, no. God is a civil engineer. Just look at the human body - only a civil engineer would run a toxic waste pipe through a playground."
Three engineering students.
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Three boys are bragging about whose dad is the fastest runner...
The first says "My dad is a hunter. He can shoot an arrow, run to where it's gonna land and catch it!"
"That's nothing!" says the second boy "My dad's a police officer. He can shoot a bullet and be at the target before the bullet hits!"
"My dad can run the fastest!" says the third boy. "He's a civil servant. He works till 4 and is always home by 3:30!"
What caused the civil war in Ethiopia?
Too many Negus.
Three Engineers are having an argument...
The first says: "God must be a mechanical engineer -- just look at the joints in the human body."
The second says: "God is an electrical engineer -- just look at the nervous system."
The third says: "God has to be a civil engineer -- who else would run a waste disposal pipeline through a perfectly good recreational area?"
A Glasgow girl goes to the Civic Center to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the civil servant?
"10" replies the girl.
"10???" says the civil servant.. "What are their names?"
"Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec and.....eh...Alec
"Doesn't that get confusing?" "
Naw..." says the girl "its great because if thur oot playin in the street, ah jist huv tae shout ALEC, YER DINNER'S READY or ALEC, GO TO BED NOW 'n' they aw dae it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed civil servant.
"'at's easy," says the girl... "Ah just use thur surnames"
Three engineers are debating what kind of engineer designed the human body
The first says "It has to be an electric engineer! The nervous system resembles some fantastic electrical work!"
The second says "It was obviously a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints throughout the human body."
The third says "It was a civil engineer! Who else would put a waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Why wouldn't you ever see a pachyderm on a civil warship?
Because an elephant never frigates.
aaahhhthankyou
Why did the Mexican civil war last so long?
Because they were fighting Juan on Juan.
Today someone told me this joke about the stereotype that we Swabians are stingy
A Swabian goes to the registry office and asks how he can change his name.
The civil servant asks him, why he needs the name change.
The Swabian answers: "I found a box full of business cards in the street yesterday."
Fan's of Marvel should be happy with the election results.
Looks like you'll be getting a Civil War sequel much earlier than anticipated.
People are really upset about how the cast of Hamilton treated Mike Pence.
I mean, the last time people were this upset about something an actor did to a Republican in a theater, the Civil War had just ended.
"Y'know with all the civil unrest, political corruption, class divides, drug smuggling, gang wars, police brutality, gun violence, and poor education maybe building a wall to protect us from our southern neighbors isn't such a bad idea"
\- Canada
where did the civilians go during the b**...?
everywhere.
What does Captain America and Spain have in common?
A horrific Civil War
Why are there no more civil war reenactments any more?
Half the guys keep getting into fights and being arrested on their way to events.
Donald Trump doesn't believe there were any lynchings during the Civil War.
When asked about it, He said it was just a case of Fake Noose
Three engineers were discussing who could have been the architect of the human body.
The first said, "It definitely was a Mechanical Engineer, look at all the joints."
The second said, "Nah dude, it was an Electrical Engineer, look at all the electrical connections from the brain."
The third said, "Nope, only a Civil Engineer will run piping carrying sanitation waste right next to a recreational area."
Three engineers are discussing God's engineering background.
The first one says, "God was clearly an electrical engineer. The human nervous system is a feat of electrical engineering genius!"
The second one says, "Absolutely not! He was a mechanical engineer. The way the muscles and bones interact are mechanically brilliant!"
The third one says, "Nope, you're both idiots. God was a civil engineer. Who else would run a sewage line right through a playground?"
A 178 year old Civil War survivor told me this joke.
Me: "Hey old man, tell me a joke from the war!!"
Him: "I can't remember any - I General Lee didnt find them very funny."
A civilization of sentient deer may sound interesting
But I get the strange feeling that they'd make no progress in advancing their own culture once they come into contact with humans.
I guess that's what happens when you encounter Stagnation
Medical bills are expensive
but let's take comfort that it isn't like the civil war era. Doctors would charge an arm and a leg back than
A missile wasn't fired...
But someone in civil defense sure will be.
A beautiful p**... attended a high profile function..
When it was time for introductions you could hear, I am Dr this and that, professor this or that, Barristers, engineers this and that.
When it was the turn of the p**..., she calmly said she is a Civil Engineer.
Another curious engineer in the room got interested and asked her for area of specialization.
The lady calmly responded "I demolish erections"
Civilian: Detective! There's been a robbery at my apartment!
Detective: What did they take?
Civilian: The TV, the music system, all the cash from my locker, the mini fridge, my most expensive bottle of champagne!
Detective: What was the point of entry?
Civilian: I guess they wanted to get rich
A mechanical, electrical, and civil engineer were discussing God.
The mechanical engineer said, God had to have been a mechanical engineer. Look at the skeleton and how it's designed.
The electrical engineer said, No, no, no. God was an electrical engineer. Look at the nervous system and the way it works.
The civil engineer said, God had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a waste disposal pipeline through a great recreational area?
The difference between a cookie and a c**....
Cookies don't care if you pull down a civil war statue.
A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a civil engineer were having a drink after work
As they drank, the conversation turned to God. Obviously, he was an engineer! But what sort of engineer?
The mechanical engineer brought up the perfection of the human joints and musculature. Surely that proved God was a mechanical engineer!
The electrical engineer responded that, without the brains and nerves, those muscles and joints would be useless. God must be an electrical engineer!
The civil engineer just looked at the two of them and shook his head. "Who else but a civil engineer would put the sewer outflow right in the middle of the entertainment district?"
Why Americans don't need to feel bad when they are criticized by the British
Sometimes I hear people from Great Britain talk about how bad the education is in The US. I do get a little offended, but then I realize they are just salty because we beat them in The Civil War.
More than half of $2.6bn (£1.9bn) in donations made at a special one-day conference to ease the humanitarian crisis in Yemen were pledged by countries that are either fighting in the civil war or selling arms to those undertaking the fighting.
When life gives you Yemen, you give Yemen aid.
engineers
4 engineers are traveling down a road when suddenly the car comes to a stop
The electrical engineer says "the battery died"
The chemical engineer says "we ran out of fuel"
The civil engineer says "the road shredded the tires"
The computer engineer says "why don't we get out of the car and then back in?"
Me: "Dude! Help! I'm convinced that I'm possessed by the ghost of an American Civil War General!" Ed: "That's incredible! Are you sure, man?"
Me: "Nope, but 'Grant,' Ed - that's a good guess."
Ed: "Are you ever possessed by confederate commanders?"
Me: "General Lee? No."
An electrical engineer, a mechanical engineer, and a civil engineer are discussing the nature of God
"God is an electrical engineer" says the EE. "Look at the nervous system! It's all electrical impulses."
"Nonsense," says the ME. "God's a mechanical engineer. Look at the muscles and bones. That's mechnical engineering."
The civil engineer demurs.
"God is a civil engineer. Who else would put a waste disposal pipe through the middle of a recreational area?"
Poor planning?
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "it was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "no, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last said, "actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Three engineers argue about who designed the human body
"Look at all the supports and joints... " said the first engineer, "... it must have been a structural engineer."
"No, no, it was an electrical engineer; just look at the nervous system and all its connections and wiring." said the second engineer.
"Both of you are wrong" exclaimed the third engineer. "It was a civil engineer, because only a civil engineer would run a toxic pipeline through the middle of a recreational area."
Who designed the human body?
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints!"
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through the recreational area?"
Three Engineers are eating lunch together and arguing.
The mechanical engineer is adamant that God must be a mechanical engineer because the human body is so well designed. The software engineer is just as sure that God must be a software engineer as the human mind is the most sophisticated software in the known universe. Suddenly they stop arguing and look at the civil engineer, "you've been awefully quiet?"
"Well it's pretty obvious that God isn't a civil engineer. No civil engineer would combine a recreational area with a sewage treatment plant."
No one likes me telling jokes about the Civil War...
I always end up getting Stonewalled.
Three engineering majors
Three engineering majors were discussing who designed the human body.
The first one said "It had to be a mechanical engineer; the body has hundreds of joints."
The second one says "It had to be an electrical engineer; the nervous system has thousands of electrical connections."
The last one says "It had to be a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
3 engineering students
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
If we had a civilization on the moon and someone committed m**..., would the punishment still be the same?
I mean, I would think the gravity of the situation would be way less, ya know?
