Citizen Jokes

Following is our collection of dmz puns and dweller one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Citizen jokes for adults, dirty civic jokes and clean resident dad gags for kids.

The Best Citizen Puns

A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home.

"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90, Please be careful!"

Herman said, "It's not just one car. There's hundreds of them!"

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "My dear husband, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 10. Please be careful!"

"Heck," said the husband, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

As a middle class first world citizen, I still feel I know just as much about working in a sweatshop in China as the children themselves.

After all, I've walked a mile in their shoes.

A senior citizen is sitting at a bar..

A young woman walks in and sits down a couple seats over. The old man gets up, shuffles over to her, leans over and asks "So, do I come here often?"

So a cop pulls over a guy for wearing his seatbelt..

tells the citizen that his captain gave him a 100 dollar bill to give to the 100th person he sees wearing their seat belt. The citizen looks a little confused, but of course, accepts the note, and proceeds to leave. The officer asks, " So, if you don't mind my asking, what are you going to spend the money on?" To a reply of, " yes, i do mind your asking, and frankly, i don't think its any of your business." The officer of course is stunned, but , as he goes to leave, the drivers objects. "If you must know, i'll probably spend it on getting my drivers license." The cop is taken aback, as the passenger says, " Oh don't listen to him, he's drunk." Shortly thereafter, a knocking comes from the trunk, and a muffled voice says, " are we over the border yet?"

edited for grammar nazis.


The police vs the senior citizen

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mp...h, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife
ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper

!!BAD DRIVERS!!

There's a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, "**David, be careful!** I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!"

David says, "I know, but there isn't just one, **there are hundreds!**"

Ronald Reagan got into hot water for telling this joke at the S.A.L.T. talks

Russian citizen goes to the Volga car dealership to buy his first car . Dealer says ''that'll be 20,000 Rubles , and we'll deliver it to you TEN YEARS FROM TODAY''. Man asks ''Morning or afternoon?'' Dealer says ''What's the difference , it's ten years from today''. Man says ''Well , the plumber is scheduled for that morning.''ο»Ώ

What do you call an elderly Mexican man?

A senΓ΅r citizen

Driving down the highway

So this senior citizen was driving down 93 when his wife called him on the phone. "Be careful! I just saw on the news there's a car driving the wrong way on the highway!"


"It's not just one car, it's hundreds of 'em!"

Overhead in a country ruled by a dictator

Citizen: What happened to freedom of speech in this country?

Dictator: Freedom of speech has always been guaranteed in this country. It is freedom after speech which we can't guarantee


What do you call an old Hispanic immigrant?

A seΓ±or citizen.

What do you call a 60 year old Spanish man?

A seΓ±or citizen

A black person is walking down the road...

When all of a sudden he peels over with a massive throbbing pain in his heart. He grabs his chest and screams in pain. A man sees this and runs to his aid.

"Sir, listen to me, you are going into cardiac arrest." the helpful citizen says.

"But I didn't even do nothing!"

If being handsome is a crime...

I would be a law-abiding citizen

As a citizen from Baltic states

Hello Russia, my old friend
You've come to talk to me again
New SovietRussia vision softly creeping
You've spread your seeds while we were sleeping
And the vision that was planted in your brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence

As a Mongolian who just became a U.S. citizen...

I'm so proud to be an Ameri-khan

A chinese citizen has an opinion

Sorry, had\*

Why did the US citizen cross the road?

To cross the border into Canada.


1995: A Chinese Official is conversing with a Russian citizen...

...Chinese Official, "You have nothing in Russia."

Russian, "Oh yeah, we have Yeltsin."

Chinese Offical, "Then we will steal your Yeltsin.

Russian, "If you take Yeltsin you'll have nothing in China."
Disclaimer: This joke is not mine, it was told to my father during his stay in Russia in the year 1995.

What Do You Call A Poor Zimbabwe Citizen?

A trillionaire.

Did you hear about the mannequin given a key to the city?

He was a model citizen.

What do you call an old Mexican man?

A seΓ±or citizen

Why do the citizens of Athens hate waking up early?

Because Dawn is tough on Greece!

A Mexican man is in line at the immigration office...

and the judge is tired from a long day. Flustered, the judge yells out, "If you can put these three words into an english sentence you're a citizen and we can all go home: 'pink', 'green', and 'yellow'!"

The man thinks for a second and responds, "I think I have it, SeΓ±or. The phone goes 'green', I 'pink' it up, and say, 'yellow'"!

A man goes to apply for Finnish citizenship.

A man goes to apply for Finnish citizenship. He says to the employee, I want to be a citizen of Finland. The employee responds in broken English.
Employee: You nice?
Man: Um... I suppose so.
Back of line.
What's the problem?
Nice guys Finnish last.

Medication

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed To me has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."

Mikhail Gorbachev started an anti-alcohol campaign in USSR in 1980s. People went crazy because of the restrictions on selling of alcohol. An old Soviet joke went like this:

A disaffected and angry citizen, fed up of standing in lines for vodka, decided to go assassinate Gorbachev. He soon came back and ruefully reported that the lines to assassinate Gorbachev were even longer than the lines for vodka.

I filled out an application to become a citizen of Finland and I must've been accepted almost instantly

The last button I had to click said Finish

My Nan just got this cool senior citizen scooter

And man is that thing fast. It can do 30 aisles per hour!

There is a new site for senior citizen dating.

Its called "I've fallen in love and I can't get up."

What does the communist citizen say every morning before leaving his/her home?

Lets get this bread.

Have you ever?

Have you ever looked at a hot Mexican girl and thought, "I want to put a citizen in you"?

Why do citizens of Prague rarely get scammed?

Because they always double Czech

What do you call a citizen of Hiroshima?

A rice crispy

Citizen of a secretive dictatorship - AMA!

[this user has been jailed]

I applied to a citizen of Finland

In the online application there was an odd question. "Are you a nice guy", it said, I thought it was an odd question but I clicked yes. Immediately I was directed to a page saying I was directed to the back of the queue for citizenship, I was confused but I read later in the application and it said. "Nice guys, Finnish last".

A senior citizen was driving down the freeway, when his phone rang

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

What's the difference between a forty-year-old Roman and your average American citizen?

They're both XL.

Yesterday, three unknown men attacked our fellow citizen in the park and burnt all his documents.

Now, there are four unknown men.

Donald Trump's has said his favorite movie is Citizen Kane

It's about a guy who inherited his wealth, flirted with fascism, and ended up a delusional, sad man.

I really don't have anything to add to that.

Which Nordic country should you never be a part of?

Finland.
Once you're a citizen, that's it!
You're Finnish! It's over.

What do you call a lazy immigrant ?

A United States citizen

What do you call a Canadian with sunburn

A Dual Citizen, Eh?

Told my wife I wouldn't leave her for the world...

...

So does anyone know how to get on Elon Musk's martian citizen list?

Why was Dorian given the key to the city?

He was a modal citizen.

I became a citizen of U.S. last year, of which I am very happy. Now I know why America is number 1.

They win World Series every year.

How can conservatives be christian

if Jesus isn't even a US citizen

My friend said he went down on a senior citizen.

I asked him what it tasted like and he said,
Depends.

Why did the citizen run for Sewer Commissioner?

He thought it was his civic doodie!

What did the cop say to senior citizen he caught stealing Depends?

'Ur in trouble.

What does it taste like to go down on a senior citizen?

Depends.

What did the lawyer say to the sovereign citizen when asked for legal counsel?

**Am I being retained?**
**Am I being retained?**

Police Officer: "Sir, your eyes look red. Have you been drinking?"

Citizen: "Officer, your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

There is an abundance of virtues jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 54 funniest jokes and citizen puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any senior citizen witze you can hear about citizen.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes