cities Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious cities puns

The trump family is flying from New York to DC

Donald looks down on the cities below and says "I think I'll throw a 1000$ bill out of the window and make some american happy. Melanie says "Oh honey why not throw 10 100$ bills and make 10 americans happy?"
So then Ivanka says "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out of the window and make 100 americans happy?" To that the pilot says " Why dont you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?"


An old couple went on holiday to Jerusalem..

...But on the trip the wife died. A local priest then told the husband that he had two options. He could get her buried in Jerusalem for $30, or he could fly her back to their own country and get her buried there for $200. The husband quickly said that he wanted her buried at home. The priest didn't understand this and asked the husband why he didn't just bury her in Jerusalem. After all it was one of the holiest cities in the world, and he could save some money. The husband then told him that long ago a man was buried in this city, and 3 days later he resurrected from the dead, and he was definitely not willing to risk that happening with his wife.


Vacation in Britain gone wrong

An american man was vacationing around Britain, visiting all the larger cities.

One night he found himself in a bar in Cardiff, having a few drinks and planning out how to spend the next couple of days of his vacation. But he had forgotten his guidebook. So he looked around to see if anyone could help him out.

There weren't many people in the bar. But there were two rather heavy women sitting at a table chatting. So he walked up to them, and asked if they had any tips.
"Excuse me, do either of you ladies know any good tourist spots here in England?"

The two women looked annoyed at the man, and one of them responded, "It's Wales you idiot!"

"I'm sorry, do either of you whales know any good tourist spots in England?"
..And he spent the rest of his vacation at a Hospital.


The Anti-Thieves Machine

Science is amazing. Some european scientists made a breakthrough and invented an Anti-Thieves Machine. It detects and catches the thieves in the streets of various cities through the world with an accuracy of 99,9%! Of course that various countries were interested. Germany got 2, France got 3, Greece got 4, Italy got 5 and Portugal, true to its *showoff* image, got 10.

After one hour, in Germany, 100 hundred thieves got caught. In France more than 250 thieves got caught. In Greece more than 350 thieves were caught. In Italy, more than 500 thieves were caught. In Portugal, after 30 minutes, all the machines were stolen.


What do the brave men, and women who protect our towns and cities have in common with some very small bugs that get stuck in Edgar Allan Poe's hair have in common?

They're both Po-Lice.

* my wife kicked me out of the car shortly after telling you this joke. Crazy part about it is I was driving at the time.


If God had wanted us to fly...

... the airports would be closer to the cities


The founding fathers of Canada are sitting in front of a map filling in names for cities...

Pierre: "I suppose the capital there should have a name, too, me."

Gaton "ought to, uh?"


My grandfather cracked this joke...

I had gone to visit my grandfather, a well-travelled man, and was telling him about my trip: the towering buildings, ornate architecture, and warm beaches of the cities I'd visited en route to his home town. I told him how all the walking had made me develop a blister on the bottom of my foot, and that in spite of the blister, I'd kept walking and exploring. By the last day, I was literally hobbling along almost on one leg, and had to call it quits.

His reply?

"Well, I guess you could say, your heart was willing, but your sole was weak!"


american , Japanese, Indian travelling together

**American :** Know what when we dug up our ancient cites we found these thick cables...U know what this means?

**Indian & Japanese** : NO.. tell us.

**American :** This means Telegraph was 1st used here

**Japanese not to be outdone :** When we dug our ancient cities we found these thin wires ... know what this means
**American & Indian :** ... no .. tell us

**Japanese: means we invented the telephone

*Both The ame**rican and the Japanese now look at the Indian with a smile*

**Indian :** Well we dug and found nothing ... know what that means

**The other 2:** no ... tell us

**Indian : **Who do you think invented wireless



Texas is trying to capitalize on the popularity of the show "Survivor" by hosting its own version.

Contestants will have to drive from Amarillo and visit checkpoints in the following cities, Lubbock - Dallas - Waco - Austin - Houston - Laredo - San Antonio - El Paso and finish back in Amarillo.

Contestants will be give a pink Saab with a bumper stickers that read, "I'm Gay, I'm Vegan, I Voted for Al Gore, and I'm here to confiscate your guns!"
The contestant who makes it back to Amarillo alive...wins.


I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.



The plastic straw bans now happening in many cities were predicted by a 16th Century prophet.

His name was No-straw-damus.


What does Godzilla do part time when he's not destroying cities?

He flips houses


What do you call the rapid growth of Indian cities?



Heard of a theatre company called 'Sex in Each City'

Apparently they do four plays in all cities they visit.


Eli5: How does recycling in major cities work?


McDonalds to open Irish Pubs, "Mc's", in 7 cities


The people on early Mediterranean cities used to enjoy using olive oil as "personal lubricant."

They really loved ancient grease.


Guy moves into a new house..

in a rural area.
His neighbor comes over and says hey buddy, hows it going, welcome to the neighborhood it sure is good to have you.

The guy having lived mostly in cities is almost taken aback by the kindness at first, but after a couple seconds he is excited to meet this guy. He replies to his neighbor "pretty good nice to meet you".

The neighbor then says hey buddy I am throwing you a welcoming party, theres gonna be dancing, drinking, and fucking.

The guy says "holy shit, wow thanks man that sounds like a good fucking time what should I bring."

The neighbor says "Bring whatever you want it is just going to be you and me"


Dickens' a Tale of two Cities was first serialised in two newspapers

It was the Biscester Times, is was the Worcester Times.


Where is the flu most common?

In cities with high levels of congestion!!


Did you know Dickens' A Tale of Two Cities was originally released as a storyboard in two local newspapers?

It was the Bicester Times, and it was the Worcester Times.


Traffic shut down in many US cities today

Have you ever seen a angry woman drive?


My wife thinks fucking and cooking are two cities in China.

I got a one way ticket to Wanking.


Cities in NZ

There is an Auckland and a Buckland. Seems like somebody was going for the alphabet. Good thing they stopped before C...

F and L would have been nice though


How do cities decide who gets to be in charge of wastewater management?

They hold a runoff election.


There are so many pigeons in major US cities

I wonder if they are planning a coup.


I like my butts like I like my inner cities...

...with lots of crack.


What has rivers but no water, forest but no trees and cities but no people?

A map.


How do you get Isrealis to evacuate their cities in the case of an approaching hurricane?

Name it Cyclone B



Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on

The first surgeon, from New York, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered..."

The second, from Chicago, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order"

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers... Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington. DC shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.


I like most ancient cities...

But I Constantinople.


TIL that the novel "A Tale of two cities " by Charles Dickens was first serialised in two black country papers....

The Bister Times and the Worcester Times


Why did all the Indians leave Oklahoma?

Broken Arrow, Broken Bow, and Nowata.

(These are names of cities in Oklahoma)


What does Ferguson, Missouri and Los Angeles, California have in common?

They are both cities.


What are the most funny Cities jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Cities? Well, here are the best Cities dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Cities pick up lines to share with friends.

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