Circumstances Jokes
57 circumstances jokes and hilarious circumstances puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about circumstances that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Circumstances Short Jokes
Short circumstances jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The circumstances humour may include short situation jokes also.
- My church was going to have a sermon on prophecy today... but it was cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.
- We're sorry, but the "blind people rejoice" meeting has been postponed, Due to unforeseen circumstances.
- I was going to go to the Psychics Conference. But it was closed due to unforeseen circumstances.
- Hey, dad. "Dad, is there a word to describe answers that are completely correct but entirely useless under the circumstances?"
"Yes, son, yes there is." - I was born in very sorry circumstances.... Both of my parents were very sorry.
\-Joke by Norman Wisdom (Source IMDB)- - I wasn't sure if I should post this here, because it's only funny under certain circumstances certain circumstances
funny - It's such a shame about tomorrow's session on Prophecies It got cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.
- Why is the key next to the space bar on Trump's keyboard always in pristine condition? Because no matter the circumstances, he'll never put pressure on the alt-right
- I wonder if the views of a color blind person depend on the circumstances of the scenario Or if they just see the world in black and white.
- Unfortunately, this month's Psychics Club meeting is cancelled... ... due to unforeseen circumstances.
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Circumstances One Liners
Which circumstances one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with circumstances? I can suggest the ones about predicament and consequences.
- My printer died last night under suspicious circumstances. Epson didn't kill itself.
- Psychic convention cancelled ... ... due to unforeseen circumstances
- Under what circumstance is mass a unit of time? Church
- In what circumstance would a fan restrict airflow? When you are hanging from it.
- What is permanent in Soviet Russia? Temporary circumstances.
- A psychic talk show was cancelled Due to unforseen circumstances.
- My local psychic closed down... ..due to unforeseen circumstances
- Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
- Psychic Prediction Convention 2018 [CLOSED] Due to unforeseen circumstances.
- My first job was as a fortune teller. I had to quit due to unforeseen circumstances.
- Why was the paranormal convention cancelled? Due to unforseen circumstances
- What song plays at a Grim Reaper graduation? Psychopomp and Circumstance
- Physics's convention cancled Due to unforeseen circumstances.
- One of my coworkers called in sick on 4/20 We all found the circumstances to be dubious.
- Why was 9 acquitted of the m**... of 10? There were ex-ten-uating circumstances.
Experience Instant Grins & Giggles with Playful Circumstances Jokes
What funny jokes about circumstances you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean occasion jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make circumstances pranks.
Why do autopsies always have to be "performed"? You'd think under the circumstances they could do without the big production.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking.
He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk.
When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs.
Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end.
That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly.
But,he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.
A few minutes later, as he was u**..., he noticed blood,so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible.
Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said.
"Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied, "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night,anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
Depending on the circumstances, Chuck Norris will decide whether or not his farts will stink.
If he chooses to have them stink, he will then also determine the appropriate percentage level of rankness delivered based on the demographics of the attending audience.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"Alright guys, we have lots of pictures to mount before the art gallery tonight. Like I said in the email, we'll have to use these adhesive hooks. Under no circumstances will you p**... the wall with nails or screws. Tim, I've noticed you've already hung one picture. Great job.
Tim (hiding his drill and muttering under his breath): welp.. I s**... that up.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
CIA final test
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background
checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists:
two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of
the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what
the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in
a chair. You have to kill her."
The first man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my
wife."
The agent replies, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and
went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the
agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my
wife."
The agent replies, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and
go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her
husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard,
one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, b**... on the
walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and
there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said,
"You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat
him to death with the chair."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy goes to his psychiatrist complaining about his s**... life...
Upon further discussion the psychiatrist suggests that the spark of excitement has gone out of his client's marriage.
"Perhaps," he suggests, "the next time you are feeling amorous, you should just take your wife, s**... and with abandon, right there and then, no matter the circumstance."
The man agrees that it seems a good idea. Two weeks later, he returns for his normal session with the psychiatrist.
"How did things go?" asks the psychiatrist.
"Absolutely amazing," says the man. "One night, as we sat down to dinner, I looked at my wife. She looked at me and we immediately made mad, passionate love right there on the table."
"So, things are good?" asks the psychiatrist.
"Couldn't be better," says the guy, "except we're can't eat at the Denny's next to our house anymore."
There's an old Italian man
There's an old Italian man, and every year, he and his son plant a tomato garden together. This particular year, however, the son is in jail, and so the old man writes him a letter.
"My son, it is regrettable that you can't be here to plant the tomato garden with me this year. The soil is too hard for me to dig myself. I look forward to the day you come home so we can continue this tradition together."
The son writes back, "Father, don't dig up the tomato garden, that's where the bodies are buried."
That night around 2 AM, the police show up at the old man's house with a warrant to search the ground for bodies. After several hours of digging around, they find nothing, apologize to the man, and go on their way.
The next day, the man receives another letter from his son, "Father, given the circumstances, this was the best I could do. You should be able to plant the tomatoes now."
A professor gives his psychology class a pop quiz. . .
One question he asks is, "What part of the human anatomy may expand up to ten times under certain circumstances?" He picks a rather overdressed girl in the front row to answer it. "Miss Callahan!" The indicated girl, who heard the question, stammers with some embarrassment: "Professor, I'd rather not answer that question." The professor says, "That's all right, Miss Callahan, you don't need to answer it. Is there anyone present who can answer it?" He notes an interested face in the back of the classroom. "Mr. Hawkins!" Hawkins says, "Yes, Professor, it is the pupil of the eye that may expand to ten times." The professor says, "That is correct, Mr. Hawkins." Then he turns to Miss Callahan. He says, "Young lady, two things are obvious from your reaction to this question. One, you haven't studied this week's assignment; and Two, I'm afraid marriage is going to be a tremendous disappointment to you."
I'm going to set up my own religion!
I'm going to set up my own religion, one where its important to respect other peoples beliefs, learn to take criticism on the chin like an adult, wash regularly, treat women and children as equals and never kill anyone under any circumstances.
Its a non-prophet organisation.
Potato Patch
An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son Fred, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Fred, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over I know you would dig the plot for me. Love, Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad, For heaven's sake, don't dig up that garden! That's where I buried the BODIES! Love, Fred
At 4am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Fred
After the death of Bobbi Kristina Brown in similar circumstances to her mother Whitney Houston...
The family have released an online video to commemorate their lives.
"Two Girls, One Tub" was probably not the best idea for a title.
So the Judge says "OK, I see that circumstance and duress made you eat the endangered spotted owl. NOT guilty." Then he leans over and whispers "Between you and me, what does a spotted owl actually taste like?"
The accused says "A cross between a bald eagle and an Amazon Imperial Parrot."
Whats the law that states...
Whats the law that states under the perfect circumstances any joke can be funny
What do I call someone who dies of obesity?
Victim of circumstance, or victim of circumference?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A solar eclipse is like watching a woman breastfeed in public
It's beautiful, it's free, but under no circumstances should you look at it.
A man is caught feasting on a Bald Eagle by a park ranger.
He is taken to court and the judge asks him why he committed this crime.
The man replies I had no other choice and this was my only way of survival.
Given the circumstances, the judge decides that this man is telling the truth and let's him off the case. But being curious, the judge asks Well, how did it taste like?
The man replied Have you ever had Spotted Owl?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Today's meeting for visually impaired psychics
has been cancelled...
due to unforeseen circumstances.
We assure you this issue will be **raised** in our next newsletter.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I think that the nuclear launch codes should be kept in the hands of women, and those codes should also represent the number of s**... partners they have had.
That way they will never give up the real numbers under any circumstances.
This just in. A truck full of wigs has crashed under mysterious circumstances.
Police are now combing the area.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to t**... blindfold.
Him: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
20 Minutes
An old man and a young woman are stuck in an elevator and the building is on fire. The young woman asks, "Sir, I'm interested what would you do if you thought you only had 20 minutes to live?" "Well, I think I would screw anything that moved. Why what would you do?" asked the old man. "Well, under the circumstances," said the woman, "I think I would remain perfectly still."
