Cinema Jokes

An elderly couple are at the cinema...

About halfway through the film, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'


He replies, 'You should put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

People always ask me how I sneak chocolate into the cinema. Well ...

I got a few Twix up my sleeve.

My buddy just lost his job at a cinema that only shows Pixar films...

He forgot to show Up

One day Stalin decides to go to the cinema in disguise and hear what people are really saying about him.

When the newsreel comes on the audience stands up and applauds each time he appears on the screen. Stalin is pleased. Modestly, he himself remains seated. After a few moments the man next to him leans over and whispers
Most people feel the same way you do Comrade, but you'll be safer if you stand up.

I hate it when people talk and eat loud in the cinema.

Like shutup, I'm trying to film a movie here!

My grandfather saw the Titanic and he warned everyone that it would sink, but no one listened

He told people a few more times and then he was kicked out of the cinema

My grandpa kept telling people that the Titanic was going to sink. They ignored him.

Eventually, they needed to throw him out the cinema.

My local cinema was robbed last night of £754.

The thieves took a bag of maltesers, a pick n mix and a large drink...

Laughing Dog

A man walks into the cinema with a dog. They start watching the movie (a comedy) and laugh and laugh all the way through it.
When the lights go up, a woman who was sitting in the row behind tapped the man on the shoulder and said:
" I must say I was really surprised to hear your dog laughing all through the film.
"So was I" replied the man, " He hated the book!"

Nineteen blondes go to the cinema...

when the ticket vendor asked why there are so many of them they replied "the film said 18 or over".

The wife & I have just been to the cinema to see that film, Suffragette.

Two hours of a woman's struggle... full of tears, aggression, sadness, anger and frustration.

Anyway, after she finally managed to park the car in the cinema car park, we rushed in and caught the credits.

Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie.

The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, So, you were at school today, right? Son: Yeah. Detector: Beep. Son: OK, OK, I was in a cinema. Detector: Beep. Son: Alright, I went for a beer with my friends. Father: What?! At your age, I wouldn't touch alcohol! Detector: Beep. Mother laughs: Ha ha ha, well, he really is your son! Detector: Beep.

A black guy at the cinema told me (a white guy) I wasn't allowed to watch Black Panther.

Apparently I have to "buy" a "ticket"

So apparently it's just a bit of lighthearted fun when people dress up to go and see Harry Potter at the cinema.........

but, when you do the same for Schindler's List, you're some kind of sick weirdo.

Two blondes at the cinema, one says to the other I bet that girl falls out of that boat and into the lake, second blonde, no way, I bet you 50 bucks, sure enough the girl falls into the lake, second blonde says how did you know that?

first blonde, I saw this film last week, second says so did I, didn't think she would do it twice.

I wouldn't say my wife was fat.......

.....but she wore a white dress to the cinema last night and they showed the film on her back!

Why did the two blondes freeze to death at the drive in cinema?

They went to see Closed for the Winter .

I went to the cinema to watch Harry Potter

...and I was surprised to see a man and his dog there. The dog barked at the exciting bits, growled at the scary bits and whimpered at the sad bits. At the end I approached the owner and said how I had never seen a dog enjoy a film so much and I was amazed. He replied So am I. He hated the book

Pig in the cinema

So this guy goes to the cinema to watch a film and there's a pig sat next to him.

Surprised, he says to the pig, "what are you doing here??"

"Well," responds the pig, turning to look at the man, "I liked the book"

Our local cinema is putting on a screening of the new James Bond film especially for dyslexics.

Respect

I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50.

So I
said, "Give me two boys and a girl."

A couple is buying popcorn at the concession stand in the cinema...

Vendor: Do you want your popcorn sweet or salty?

Guy looks lovingly at his girlfriend and says: I want my popcorn like my girlfriend

Vendor: Dude, we don't sell ugly popcorn

I got thrown out of the cinema for throwing popcorn at the back of people's heads.

I also lost my job behind the popcorn counter.

A guy was throwing popcorn at the back of my head in the cinema.

I turned around and said, "You and me...when this film finishes...let's sort this out."

He said, "OK then."

And then, when it was over, we cleared away all the popcorn like respectable men.

The Titanic

My grandfather knew from the beginning that the Titanic would sink. He warned everyone but no one would listen. He tried a few more times until he finally got kicked out of the cinema!

17 blondes decide to go to cinema...

But when they arrive they don't enter the cinema because it says you have to be 18 to get in.

I went to the cinema to see a really, really sad film.

The guy behind me was just wailing. Half way through, a harpoon hit the back of my head.

I just heard Back to the Future was getting a re-release at the cinema.

It's about time.

Why don't Leave voters go to the cinema?

Because they're unable to see the big picture.

So a cinematographer, writer, and production designer walk into a bar....

and the director takes all the credit.

When blondes go to the cinema to watch a comedy, they always sit on the last row. Why?

He who laughs last, laughs better

On our third date she said she liked to have sex with the lights off.

She should have also mentioned "not in a cinema".

I was at the cinema and this couple were kissing in front of us, not even watching the movie. How wasteful can you be with your money!

So I threw my bag of popcorn at them.

They threw me out of the cinema today...

They threw me out of the cinema today for bringing my own food. But come on – the prices are way too high, plus I haven't had a barbecue in months.  

So yesterday I was fapping to this Scarlett Johanson sex scene

The cinema looked so shocked for some reason

What time is Thor on in the cinema?

Thor Thirty

Cinema food

Got kicked out of the cinema today just because I took my own food! My argument was the prices they charge there are outrageous, and besides I haven't had a barbecue for ages...

Back when going to the cinema was still a thing, I saw a magician in my theater

I was watching a movie at the cinema and there was a magician further down my theater. A sex scene came on and he started clapping without using his hands, it was amazing!

I was talking to my buddy in the pub.

'I went to see a movie with my *new girlfriend* last night,' I boasted.

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'Oh nice,' he said, impressed, 'where did you two meet?'

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'Outside the cinema, of course,' I replied.

I was thrown out the cinema for bringing my own food

That's completely unfair. The food their is so expensive and I've haven't had a barbecue in ages

Irish SAS

The Irish SAS were dropped into Russia last week with orders to take Vladimir Putin out……
So far…. news reports say …… he's been to the cinema twice……… and last night they went Ten Pin Bowling…..!

So, My grandfather saw the Titanic. He told everyone it was going to sink. No one believed him. He yelled it out 3 more times until finally, he was kicked out of the cinema...

What do you call a famous director of modern noir cinema who is notorious for needing glasses and pulling apart his pizza rolls to cool them before eating?

Squintin' Tearin' 'Tino's

What do you call a cheap British cinema?

a Nickelodeon

Siri

So I asked Siri what movies were playing at the local cinema.

Siri said, "Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?"

Turns out my phone was in airplane mode.

Fresh Popcorn

A man goes to the cinema with his wife. He takes her to the snack bar and wants to order popcorn. When asked what he wants, he just said, "I want popcorn like my girlfriend".
The cashier said, "Sorry, but we don't have ugly popcorn."

"I'm going to see The Meg with your mother at the cinema tonight."

"that thing scares me, it's really scary," my son said

"I know," I replied, "but it will be cool to see The Meg."