Cigarette Jokes
137 cigarette jokes and hilarious cigarette puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about cigarette that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
From Camel Cigarette to Vapist, find out which cigarette jokes will make you laugh the hardest. This article covers the classic gags to the funniest puns about smoking and everything in between. Get ready for some humor about cigarettes that you won't soon forget.
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Funniest Cigarette Short Jokes
Short cigarette jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The cigarette humour may include short tobacco jokes also.
- 3 guys are on a boat and they have 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with. What do they do? They throw one cigarette off the boat and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
- Cigarettes are like hamsters Totally harmless, until you stick one in your mouth and set it on fire.
- Everyone told me smoking kills, I had no idea how fast. My dad went to get his first pack of cigarettes ever and I never saw him again.
- Cigarette warnings should also include how dangerous it is just going to purchase a package... My dad left 19 years ago to buy some and he still hasn't made it back.
- A kid in the park told me smoking was bad for me So I popped his ballon with my cigarette and informed him so was talking to strangers.
- Scariest thing ever The scariest thing in the world is waking up with a cigarette in one hand and a beer in the other. I was so scared I almost swerved off the road!
- Cigarettes are just like weasels... Both are completely harmless until you put them in your mouth and set them on fire.
- I googled "cigarette lighter" and got over 12 million matches. But when i googled "more food" i hardly got any seconds.
- Getting my dad some strong aftershave and a cigarette lighter for Christmas. Can't wait to see his face light up.
- I saw a woman at the fuel pump spill gasoline on her arm and then light a cigarette. The police arrested her for waving a firearm.
Share These Cigarette Jokes With Friends
Cigarette One Liners
Which cigarette one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with cigarette? I can suggest the ones about smoking cigar and cuban cigar.
- I have a dog with no legs I call him cigarette. Every night I take him out for a drag.
- Why do people in Beijing smoke so many cigarettes? To get a breath of filtered air.
- What kind of cigarettes do hippies smoke? Yours.
- what does god light his cigarettes with? a match made in heaven .-.
- I googled cigarette lighters And got 1,500,000 matches.
- Please don't throw cigarette butts in urinals. It makes them soggy and hard to light.
- Finally took that warning on the cigarette pack to heart and stopped littering
- What's a hipster's favorite kind of cigarette? Yours.
- Where do dead people buy their cigarettes? At the coroner store.
- Why did the man smoke a cigarette in Beijing? To get some fresh air
- I left my job as a pastor to start a cigarette company It's called "Holy Smokes"
- Why do cigarettes cost so much? Because smokers keep coughing up money.
- What's the best name for a cigarette company? TOBA Co
- What followed the Big Bang? The Big Cigarette
- Why kind of cigarettes do Hawaiians smoke? Mahalo bro lights.
Cigarette Smoking Jokes
Here is a list of funny cigarette smoking jokes and even better cigarette smoking puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- There are three men on a boat with a pack of cigarettes and no matches. How did they manage to smoke? They threw a cigarette overboard, and made the boat a cigarette lighter
- This lady was at the gas station pumping gas and smoking a cigarette when her arm caught fire... When the police arrived they shot her for waving a firearm.
- How do you find out what's in an e-cigarette? Just ask someone not to smoke it next to you.
- Last weekend my dad caught me smoking a cigarette and for punishment made me smoke until I puked. This weekend I made sure he caught me in bed with my girlfriend.
- How long does it take a cinematographer to smoke a cigarette? The same as anyone but it takes him 2 hours to light it!
- Cigarette packets says smoking kills so I stopped smoking them I just smoke the ones that seriously damage health instead
- Under my doctor's advice, I am now healthily smoking 2 packs of cigarettes a day. He told me smoking just 1 pack a day would kill me
- What does an angel use to light his cigarette? [A match made in heaven](/spoiler)
What kind of cigarettes does he have?
[Holy Smokes](/spoiler) - I've been smoking cigarettes for 25 years I just don't know how I haven't gotten addicted yet
- Today at the church, the lady next to me lit a cigarette and started smoking it... I almost dropped my beer in shock.
Cigarette Lighter Jokes
Here is a list of funny cigarette lighter jokes and even better cigarette lighter puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Me and my friend were on a boat with 3 cigarettes but no lighter So we threw the 3rd cigarette overboard to make the boat a cigarette lighter
- A bunch of sailors on a boat want to have a smoke, but don't have any matches. So one sailor throws one of his cigarettes overboard, and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
- If you have two cigarettes in a boat and throw one overboard… You have made the boat a cigarette lighter.
- Why did the cricket team need cigarette lighters? Because they lost all of their matches!
- Present for my dad I've bought my dad a Zippo lighter for Christmas.
I want it to be a surprise when he comes back with the cigarettes he went out to buy ten years ago. - 4 guys are on a boat with 3 cigarettes and no lighter what do they do They throw one out so the boat becomes one cigarette lighter
- My buddy asked if I could make an electronic cigarette lighter so I removed the battery.
- 3 men are stranded in a boat with 4 cigarettes and no way to light them. So they toss the 4th cigarette overboard, which makes the whole boat a cigarette lighter.
Lit Cigarette Jokes
Here is a list of funny lit cigarette jokes and even better lit cigarette puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- The spy must have sensed I was watching him, because he quickly lit a cigarette and started puffing while gazing at his reflection on a shiny metal wall. It was smoke and mirrors. I had no doubt.
- Nowadays people are so disrespectful... I was at the church when a woman right in my front lit up a cigarette.
Got so shocked that I almost dropped my beer...
The Funniest Cigarette Jokes for a Bone-Shaking Laugh
What funny jokes about cigarette you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean smoking jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make cigarette pranks.
Still my favorite joke I ever made up. :)
A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."
So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump into each other as they cross paths and fall to the floor, hopelessly entangled. They try to get free but the more they struggle, the more tangled they become.
The bartender looks down on this travesty and shakes his head. "Hey you two!" he shouts. "Stop making spectacles of yourselves!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A tourist is in Russia and they see a frail little babushka sitting in front of her house, smoking a cigarette and drinking v**....
So he stops and asks her: "Excuse me, but are you celebrating something?"
"No, I drink a few bottles of v**... every day. Always have."
"Amazing. And the cigarettes?"
"At least four packs a day, since I was a little girl."
"That's amazing! May I ask, how old are you?"
"Twenty-five".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was on a bus when this girl offered to blow me for $5...
...and never being a person to pass up a good deal, I gave her $5 and watched her do her thing. After she was finished she lit up a cigarette and started smoking right there on the bus.
I was disgusted. I thought to myself, "What is this world coming to? Who sells cigarettes to a 12 year old?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I walked out of my local shop today...
...and outside was a t**.... Same guy as always, but I'd never talked to him before. As I passed, he said, "Excuse me, I don't suppose you have a spare cigarette I can have?". I looked around, and I was the only person in the vacinity, so I knew he was talking to me. "Sorry mate, I don't smoke." I replied, which is true. He looked disappointed, but then asked hopefully "Any change?", I thought for a second before answering "Nope, still don't smoke."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The bride asks her husband
The bride asks her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a v**... and I don't know
anything about s**.... Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two homosexuals bumped into each other one day in Bondi Junction.
After their customary intimate greeting, one of them asked the other, "Fabian, have you stopped smoking?"
When Fabian replied in the affirmative, his chum asked him how he had managed to kick the habit.
Explained Fabian, "It was easy really. Everytime I felt like a cigarette, I`d just s**... on a lifesaver."
Replied his friend, "Well - lucky you live near the beach."
So a Hispanic man walks into a bar...
He sees an old cigarette machine and decides to buy a pack. He puts in his change and the machine flashes the words, DIME, DIME, DIME. He looks around and whispers to the machine, Malboro.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two old ladies are outside smoking a cigarette
It starts raining and without hesitating one of the ladies pulls a c**... out of her purse and covers the cig to keep it from getting wet.
The other lady thinks this is genius and walks to the nearest pharmacy.
She grabs a pack of extra large condoms and proceeds to check out.
The cashier says," ma'am, are you sure you need these in extra large?"
The old lady replies, "well I'm not sure, do you think they'll fit a Camel?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter - He won't come anyway.
But you could call him "cigarette" and take him out for a drag.
A computer programmer was sitting at home with his wife.
He takes a cigarette out of his pocket, lights it, and takes a puff.
His wife looks at him angrily and says,
"You really need to stop doing that. Can't you see the warning on the box? It says 'hazardous to health!'"
The programmer takes another puff of his cigarette and says,
"I'm a computer programmer. I don't care about warnings. I only care about errors."
A man on fire
A man is filling up his car tank with gasoline and accidentally gets some on his hand. He doesn't notice it, so when he gets into his car he lights a cigarette. His arm instantly catches on fire. The man sticks his arm out the window and begins to wave it around attempting to blow out the flames crawling up his sleeve. A policeman sees the man struggling with his arm on fire and arrests him on the spot for an unlicensed firearm.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
2 nuns were smoking when it started to rain...
The first nun takes out a c**... and cuts off the end and slides it over her cigarette and continues smoking.
The second nun notices that it is keeping the first nuns cigarette dry and asks "where'd you get that?"
"From the Pharmacy" replied the first nun.
So the second nun heads down to the pharmacy and asks the clerk for a pack of condoms.
"What size do you need" asked the clerk.
The nun replied - "Large enough to fit a Camel"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Even though I don't smoke cigarettes, I exclusively date women who do...
I figure if they're willing to s**... on something that n**..., they'll s**... just about anything.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
After s**..., a lot of people like to smoke a cigarette.
As a gay man, me and my boyfriend smoke w**... after s**.... After all, in the bible it says "if a man lies with another man, he should be s**...."
My go-to joke: Chicken walks into a bar...
A chicken walks into a bar, meets an egg. They go home together and the sleep together, and when they're done the chicken rolls over in bed, lights a cigarette, takes a drag, and says, "Well, I guess that answers *that* question."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Kids are like smoking cigarettes.
I love them for about 5 minutes a day, until I realize that they are slowly killing me.
Jim Jefferies
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two elderly ladies are smoking outside...
It stared raining and one of the ladies pulls out a c**..., cuts the end off and puts it over her cigarette so it won't get wet. The other lady thinks this is a great idea so she decides to head to the store to buy some condoms.
When she gets there she goes to the counter and asks the cashier for a pack of condoms. He looks at her in disgust as he can't believe someone of her age would be having s**.... He asks what kind she would like anyways as he doesn't want to lose his job.
She replys "honey, it doesn't matter what kind as long as it fits a camel"
Nighttime. You're alone on a small boat at sea, hours away from any land. All you brought with you is a pack of cigarettes. You wanna smoke, but realize you forgot a lighter. What do you do?
You just take out a cigarette, throw it off the boat into the water... thus, making the boat a cigarette lighter.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
GRANDPA'S CONDOMS
An old man finds a c**... in his grandson's apartment and asks what it is.
"It's a c**...," replies the grandson, sheepishly.
"What do you use it for?" asks Grandpa.
The grandson is embarrassed, so he says, "I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain."
Grandpa says, "That's a great idea." He goes to the drug store and asks the pharmacist for a c**....
"What size would you like?" asks the pharmacist.
"Big enough to fit a Camel."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Frenchman, a Jew and a p**...
A Frenchman, a Jew and a p**... are each sentenced to thirty years in prison. Each man is given one request that will be honored by the jail warden.
A woman, asks the Frenchman.
A telephone, says the Jew.
A cigarette, says the p**....
Thirty years later the Frenchman walks out with the woman and ten kids.
The Jew strolls out carrying a ten thousand dollar commission he has made during the time.
The p**... walks out and says, Has anyone got a match?
A young priest asked his bishop, May I smoke while praying? ...
The answer was an emphatic No!
Later, when he sees an older priest puffing on a cigarette while praying, the younger priest scolded him, You shouldn't be smoking while praying! I asked the bishop, and he said I couldn't do it!
That's odd, the old priest replied. I asked the bishop if I could pray while I'm smoking, and he told me that it was okay to pray at any time!
A man goes to buy a pack of cigarettes......
The cashier hands him a pack. He goes out and thinks of lighting one up. The pack reads "Beware smoking causing impotency". He goes back in hey man i think you gave me the wrong pack give me the one with cancer.
I gave a homeless man 10 dollars and told him, "I want to make sure you find something good to eat". After watching him come out of the store with a pack of cigarettes I was quite upset
His stomach was too after I made sure he ate them.
Chicken and an egg
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken lights up a cigarette. The egg, with a dissatisfied look on it's face, rolls over and remarks, "Well, I guess we answered that question."
Fresh and Funny!
Hey Sue, what do you say to a nice walk?
Oh Harry, that would be lovely!
Wonderful. Could you bring me some beer and cigarettes on your way back?
Police Shooting
A lady was filling up the gas tank in her car and lit a cigarette to pass the time. After which a piece of ash fell onto her arm and started a fire. As she's flailing about trying to put the fire out, a police cruiser pulls into the station. Instinctively, she starts running towards the officer in an effort to get help. The police officer sees the lady running at him and shoots her, killing her
I guess you shouldn't run towards police officers if you have a firearm
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When I was a teenager, my dad found cigarettes in my room & made me smoke the whole pack.
I'm really glad he didn't find my bag of h**....
My Gran fell asleep last night with a cigarette in her hand. That woman was the best thing since sliced bread.
Now she's toast.
A hunter went out on a hunting trip. He took his sons cigarettes by mistake.
He had an excellent day. He shot 2 bucks, a boar, a black bear, and a unicorn.
My 10-year old daughter just Dad joked me.
She said she was leaving to get cigarettes and never came home.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Teacher: What do you do after school?
1st Student: I go and buy w**... from Yakobo
2nd Student: I always go and buy cigarettes from Yakobo.
3rd Student: I go and buy c**... from Yakobo.
4th Student: I always stay at home and do my homework.
Teacher: You are a great student, I hereby appoint you as the class monitor. You are a good example to other students. What's your name?
4th Student: Yakobo
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The whole pack
This guy caught me having s**... with his daughter, and he was furious.
He said, "I'm not going to go easy on you, son. Nobody ever went easy on me. When I was a kid, my father caught me smoking a cigarette, and he made me smoke the whole pack right in front of him. When my mother caught me drinking whisky from the cabinet, she made me drink the entire bottle down to the last drop."
I said, "I think I see where you're going with this. How many kids do you have?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Don't you hate it when you're driving along smoking a cigarette, you flick it out the window and you drive for a couple more miles and smell something funny and you look over onto the back seat and sure enough..
Grandma's f**... herself again
Squirrels are like cigarettes
The perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and set in on fire
My girlfriend told me she had never heard of condoms...
I thought she must be pulling my leg so I played along. Oh yeah? I said, They're for covering your cigarettes in the rain.
Well one day we were in a pharmacy and she asked the clerk for a package of condoms. He asked what kind, and she said oh, to fit a camel.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I took my son to see Santa Claus yesterday and he stank of booze and cigarettes.
God knows what Santa Claus thought of him.
Scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children.
It's probably better to just use an ashtray.
When I...
A man walks into a bar, orders a drink, and yells "When I drink, everybody drinks!". Everybody rushes to the counter and orders a drink.
After that, he orders another drink and yells "When I get another drink, everybody gets another drink!". Everybody rushes to the counter and orders another drink.
After finishing the drink, the man orders a sandwich and yells "When I eat, everybody eats!". Everybody rushes to the counter and orders food.
After eating the sandwich, the man buys a cigarette and yells "When I get a smoke, everybody gets a smoke!". Everybody rushes to the counter and gets a cigarette.
After smoking, the man pays $25 and yells "When I pay, everybody pays!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An 18 year old in America is allowed to buy an AR-15, vote, enlist in the army, buy cigarettes, get a lottery ticket, and die for their country...
...but god FORBID they try to rent a car.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A cigarette after s**......
That's how I quit smoking.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I promised myself that I would have a cigarette after having s**...
Well, at least I'm cancer-free. :)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"One cigarette each time you have s**..." was the doctor's prescription.
That's how I quit smoking.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Star Wars fans don't smoke cigarettes after s**......
They chew 'bacca
I used to tell dad jokes.
But he still hasn't come back from buying that pack of cigarettes yet.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A pregnant woman asks the cashier for a pack of cigarettes...
The cashier immediately begins to berate her for such a poor decision. "I can't believe you are being so s**.... Knowing that you are pregnant! You shouldn't buy a single pack until after you've had the baby."
"You're right," the lady replied, "Give me a carton. I'm smoking for two now."
Why is a step ladder better then a regular ladder?
Because your regular ladder went for cigarettes and never came back.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young man on his first date.
A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have s**... when the girl stopped. I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a h**... and I charge $20 for s**.... The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. Why aren't we going anywhere? asked the girl. Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25…
I'm going to tattoo a pack of cigarettes on my arm.
That way my father will actually want me.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife and I decided to curb our smoking habit a bit by only smoking after s**....
I havnt touched a cigarette in 10 years and shes up to 2 packs a day.
RIP Rodney.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton-b**... and a ball of string on the counter.
The sales girl says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's so much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she."
A man is smoking two cigarettes at a park
Another man walks up to him and asks, "Why are you smoking two cigarettes?"
He replies: "I'm smoking one for myself and one for my brother, he is in a no-smoking prison."
Satisfied with the answer, the man walks away.
A few days pass and he sees the same man at the park, but he's only smoking one cigarette.
Excited, he goes up to the man and asks, "Did your brother get out of prison? You are only smoking one cigarette."
He replies: "No, I quit smoking."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
This g**... Tinder asked me why I have an unlit cigarette in my picture.
I told her that I am looking for matches.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm fine with alchohol, cigarettes and m**...
But coccaine is where I draw the line
As of today, I've been 50 days free from cigarettes. A friend offered me a pack.
I burned them.
There's a guy who smokes 2 cigarettes together
They asked him: why do you always smoke 2 cigarettes together?
He said: one for me, and one for my brother in prison.
After a while they saw him smoking one cigarette only and they asked him: so your brother is out of the jail?
He said: no, I stopped smoking.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two nuns are sitting on a park bench
Sister Carol lights a cigarette and Sister Beatrice declares:
'That's a filthy habit'
Sister Carol replies: 'blame Sister Mary, she washes the b**... things'.
I've decided to become a better father, so I'm down to five cigarettes a day now.
The rest of the pack I give to my twelve year old son.
I almost got mugged today
Guy runs up on me with a knife and says' "Your money or your life."
I said, "Look, man, I'm married. I ain't got no money and I ain't got no life."
He gave me a hug and a cigarette.
Steve sees a woman crying on the street
\- "Why are you crying?" he asks.
\- "My husband went to pick up cigarettes' and he hasn't come back home for 2 weeks now."
\- "Don't worry, I can give you cigarettes."
