Cigarette Jokes
149 cigarette jokes and hilarious cigarette puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about cigarette that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
From Camel Cigarette to Vapist, find out which cigarette jokes will make you laugh the hardest. This article covers the classic gags to the funniest puns about smoking and everything in between. Get ready for some humor about cigarettes that you won't soon forget.
Quick Jump To
- Short Cigarette Jokes
- Cigarette One Liners
- Cigarette Smoking Jokes
- Cigarette Lighter Jokes
- Lit Cigarette Jokes
- Hamster Cigarette Jokes
- More Cigarette Jokes
Funniest Cigarette Short Jokes
Short cigarette jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The cigarette humour may include short tobacco jokes also.
- 3 guys are on a boat and they have 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with. What do they do? They throw one cigarette off the boat and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
- There are 3 men on a boat and 4 cigarettes, they don't have a lighter, how do they smoke? they toss one cigarette over board to make the boat a cigarette lighter.
- Cigarettes are like hamsters Totally harmless, until you stick one in your mouth and set it on fire.
- Ebay needs to step their game up. I searched for a cigarette lighter and 15,000 matches came up.
- What do hamsters and cigarettes have in common? They're both perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire
- Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with. So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
- Everyone told me smoking kills, I had no idea how fast. My dad went to get his first pack of cigarettes ever and I never saw him again.
- Cigarette warnings should also include how dangerous it is just going to purchase a package... My dad left 19 years ago to buy some and he still hasn't made it back.
- Three men were on a boat. All together, they had four cigarettes; However, no one brought any matches. They threw one cigarette overboard, which caused the whole boat to become a cigarette lighter.
- Cigarettes are just like squirrels. They aren't dangerous until you stick one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Share These Cigarette Jokes With Friends
Cigarette One Liners
Which cigarette one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with cigarette? I can suggest the ones about smoking cigar and cuban cigar.
- I have a dog with no legs I call him cigarette. Every night I take him out for a drag.
- Why do people in Beijing smoke so many cigarettes? To get a breath of filtered air.
- What kind of cigarettes do hippies smoke? Yours.
- what does god light his cigarettes with? a match made in heaven .-.
- I googled cigarette lighters And got 1,500,000 matches.
- Please don't throw cigarette butts in urinals. It makes them soggy and hard to light.
- My legless dog is named cigarette… Every day I take him out for a drag.
- Finally took that warning on the cigarette pack to heart and stopped littering
- What's a hipster's favorite kind of cigarette? Yours.
- Where do dead people buy their cigarettes? At the coroner store.
- Why did the man smoke a cigarette in Beijing? To get some fresh air
- Today I Google cigarette lighters I was shocked when I got over 15 million matches.
- I did a Google search for a cigarette lighter. Ended up with 15,000 matches.
- I left my job as a pastor to start a cigarette company It's called "Holy Smokes"
- I tried searching Google for cigarette lighters And all I got was 15,000 matches.
Cigarette Smoking Jokes
Here is a list of funny cigarette smoking jokes and even better cigarette smoking puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A kid in the park told me smoking was bad for me So I popped his ballon with my cigarette and informed him so was talking to strangers.
- There are three men on a boat with a pack of cigarettes and no matches. How did they manage to smoke? They threw a cigarette overboard, and made the boat a cigarette lighter
- Kids are like smoking cigarettes. I love them for about 5 minutes a day, until I realize that they are slowly killing me.
Jim Jefferies - This lady was at the gas station pumping gas and smoking a cigarette when her arm caught fire... When the police arrived they shot her for waving a firearm.
- How do you find out what's in an e-cigarette? Just ask someone not to smoke it next to you.
- A chicken and egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette. The egg says to herself, "I guess we answered that question."
- Last weekend my dad caught me smoking a cigarette and for punishment made me smoke until I puked. This weekend I made sure he caught me in bed with my girlfriend.
- A chicken and an egg lay in bed smoking cigarettes. The egg says, "well, that answers that old question."
- How long does it take a cinematographer to smoke a cigarette? The same as anyone but it takes him 2 hours to light it!
- Four men are in a boat Four men are in a boat trying to smoke some cigarettes, but they don't have a lighter. One man throws a cigarette over board and now the whole boat is a cigarette lighter.
Cigarette Lighter Jokes
Here is a list of funny cigarette lighter jokes and even better cigarette lighter puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Three men brought four cigarettes onto a boat, but then realized they had no lighters or matches. What do they do? Throw one cigarette off the boat and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
- 3 men were on a boat.. And all they had were 4 cigarettes.
Unsure on what to do, one of them throws a cigarette overboard.
Now the boat was a cigarette lighter. - There are three guys on a boat, and they have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with – what do they do? They throw one cigarette overboard, and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
- 2 men are on a boat sharing a pack of cigarettes when they realise they have no lighter How do they light up?
They toss a cigarette overboard to make the boat a cigarette lighter. - 3 men were in a boat with 4 cigarettes,but there was no way to light them.What did they do? Threw one cigarette overboard and the boat became a cigarette lighter.
- 3 guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes, but no lighter So one of the guys throws a cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
- 3 guys are on a boat with four cigarettes and nothing to light them with. So they throw a cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
- I googled "cigarette lighter" and got over 12 million matches. But when i googled "more food" i hardly got any seconds.
- Getting my dad some strong aftershave and a cigarette lighter for Christmas. Can't wait to see his face light up.
- Three men are on a boat with four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with They decide to throw one overboard, so the boat becomes a cigarette lighter
Lit Cigarette Jokes
Here is a list of funny lit cigarette jokes and even better lit cigarette puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- 2 guys are on a boat with 3 cigarettes and no fire source to lit them So they throw 1 cigarette out the boat and the boat comes a cigarette lighter
- Today at the church, the lady next to me lit a cigarette and started smoking it... I almost dropped my beer in shock.
- I swear to god, people these days have no morals whatsoever I was at church today and some scumbag lit a cigarette with an alter candle, I was so shocked I almost dropped my beer
- The spy must have sensed I was watching him, because he quickly lit a cigarette and started puffing while gazing at his reflection on a shiny metal wall. It was smoke and mirrors. I had no doubt.
- The spy sensed that I was following him. So he stopped, quickly lit a cigarette and stared at his imagine in the reflective glass.... I'd seen this bit of tradecraft before - "smoke and mirrors"
- Nowadays people are so disrespectful... I was at the church when a woman right in my front lit up a cigarette.
Got so shocked that I almost dropped my beer... - Your momma is sooooo broke When i walked into her house i stepped on a lit cigarette and she said "Who put out the heat!?"
- Yo mama so poor when I went to her house and stepped on a lit cigarette she said, "Who turned the lights out?"
Hamster Cigarette Jokes
Here is a list of funny hamster cigarette jokes and even better hamster cigarette puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- You know, cigarettes are a lot like Hamsters, Perfectly Harmless.... That is unless, of course, you put it in your mouth and light it on fire.
- Hamsters are a lot like cigarettes Completely harmless till you light one on fire and place it in your mouth
- How are a cigarette and a hamster alike? Both are completely harmless until you stick them in your mouth and light them on fire.
- Hamsters are a lot like cigarettes. They're perfectly harmless until you stick them in your mouth and light them on fire.
\- John Branyon - What do a cigarette and a hamster have in common? What do a cigarette and a hamster have in common?
A: They are both perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
The Funniest Cigarette Jokes for a Bone-Shaking Laugh
What funny jokes about cigarette you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean smoking jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make cigarette pranks.
Still my favorite joke I ever made up. :)
A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."
So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump into each other as they cross paths and fall to the floor, hopelessly entangled. They try to get free but the more they struggle, the more tangled they become.
The bartender looks down on this travesty and shakes his head. "Hey you two!" he shouts. "Stop making spectacles of yourselves!"
A tourist is in Russia and they see a frail little babushka sitting in front of her house, smoking a cigarette and drinking v**....
So he stops and asks her: "Excuse me, but are you celebrating something?"
"No, I drink a few bottles of v**... every day. Always have."
"Amazing. And the cigarettes?"
"At least four packs a day, since I was a little girl."
"That's amazing! May I ask, how old are you?"
"Twenty-five".
I was on a bus when this girl offered to blow me for $5...
...and never being a person to pass up a good deal, I gave her $5 and watched her do her thing. After she was finished she lit up a cigarette and started smoking right there on the bus.
I was disgusted. I thought to myself, "What is this world coming to? Who sells cigarettes to a 12 year old?"
So a chicken and an egg are lying in bed together.
The chicken slowly puffs on a cigarette as he radiates satisfaction. The frustrated egg turns to him and barks, "Well I guess that answers that question."
I walked out of my local shop today...
...and outside was a t**.... Same guy as always, but I'd never talked to him before. As I passed, he said, "Excuse me, I don't suppose you have a spare cigarette I can have?". I looked around, and I was the only person in the vacinity, so I knew he was talking to me. "Sorry mate, I don't smoke." I replied, which is true. He looked disappointed, but then asked hopefully "Any change?", I thought for a second before answering "Nope, still don't smoke."
The bride asks her husband
The bride asks her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a v**... and I don't know
anything about s**.... Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!
I saw a woman at the fuel pump spill gasoline on her arm and then light a cigarette.
The police arrested her for waving a firearm.
Scariest thing ever
The scariest thing in the world is waking up with a cigarette in one hand and a beer in the other. I was so scared I almost swerved off the road!
Two homosexuals bumped into each other one day in Bondi Junction.
After their customary intimate greeting, one of them asked the other, "Fabian, have you stopped smoking?"
When Fabian replied in the affirmative, his chum asked him how he had managed to kick the habit.
Explained Fabian, "It was easy really. Everytime I felt like a cigarette, I`d just s**... on a lifesaver."
Replied his friend, "Well - lucky you live near the beach."
Three guys are on a boat with four cigarettes, but they don't have any matches or lighters. What do they do?
They throw one cigarette overboard and the entire boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
*Stolen from BuzzFeed, but I thought it was hilarious.*
Two old ladies are outside smoking a cigarette
It starts raining and without hesitating one of the ladies pulls a c**... out of her purse and covers the cig to keep it from getting wet.
The other lady thinks this is genius and walks to the nearest pharmacy.
She grabs a pack of extra large condoms and proceeds to check out.
The cashier says," ma'am, are you sure you need these in extra large?"
The old lady replies, "well I'm not sure, do you think they'll fit a Camel?"
Why did a man name his legless dog, Cigarette?
Cause he had to take him out for a drag every night.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter - He won't come anyway.
But you could call him "cigarette" and take him out for a drag.
A computer programmer was sitting at home with his wife.
He takes a cigarette out of his pocket, lights it, and takes a puff.
His wife looks at him angrily and says,
"You really need to stop doing that. Can't you see the warning on the box? It says 'hazardous to health!'"
The programmer takes another puff of his cigarette and says,
"I'm a computer programmer. I don't care about warnings. I only care about errors."
A man on fire
A man is filling up his car tank with gasoline and accidentally gets some on his hand. He doesn't notice it, so when he gets into his car he lights a cigarette. His arm instantly catches on fire. The man sticks his arm out the window and begins to wave it around attempting to blow out the flames crawling up his sleeve. A policeman sees the man struggling with his arm on fire and arrests him on the spot for an unlicensed firearm.
2 nuns were smoking when it started to rain...
The first nun takes out a c**... and cuts off the end and slides it over her cigarette and continues smoking.
The second nun notices that it is keeping the first nuns cigarette dry and asks "where'd you get that?"
"From the Pharmacy" replied the first nun.
So the second nun heads down to the pharmacy and asks the clerk for a pack of condoms.
"What size do you need" asked the clerk.
The nun replied - "Large enough to fit a Camel"
After s**..., a lot of people like to smoke a cigarette.
As a gay man, me and my boyfriend smoke w**... after s**.... After all, in the bible it says "if a man lies with another man, he should be s**...."
There are 2 people on a boat…
There are two people on a boat; they have three cigarettes. However, they don't have a lighter. What do they do?
They throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat *became a cigarette lighter!*
Two elderly ladies are smoking outside...
It stared raining and one of the ladies pulls out a c**..., cuts the end off and puts it over her cigarette so it won't get wet. The other lady thinks this is a great idea so she decides to head to the store to buy some condoms.
When she gets there she goes to the counter and asks the cashier for a pack of condoms. He looks at her in disgust as he can't believe someone of her age would be having s**.... He asks what kind she would like anyways as he doesn't want to lose his job.
She replys "honey, it doesn't matter what kind as long as it fits a camel"
Nighttime. You're alone on a small boat at sea, hours away from any land. All you brought with you is a pack of cigarettes. You wanna smoke, but realize you forgot a lighter. What do you do?
You just take out a cigarette, throw it off the boat into the water... thus, making the boat a cigarette lighter.
There are three men in a boat in the middle of the ocean with four cigarettes, no lighter or any matches. What do they do?
They throw one of the cigarettes overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
GRANDPA'S CONDOMS
An old man finds a c**... in his grandson's apartment and asks what it is.
"It's a c**...," replies the grandson, sheepishly.
"What do you use it for?" asks Grandpa.
The grandson is embarrassed, so he says, "I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain."
Grandpa says, "That's a great idea." He goes to the drug store and asks the pharmacist for a c**....
"What size would you like?" asks the pharmacist.
"Big enough to fit a Camel."
A man always smoked two cigarettes at a time
When people asked him why, he answered: i'm smoking one for myself and one for my brother in jail.
One day he was smoking only one, so people gladly asked "is your brother out of jail?"
He answered: "no, I quit"
Secret to Long Life
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?"
"Twenty-six," he said.
My wife and I said we would only smoke after s**.......
I have had the same pack of cigarettes since 2007, im starting to get worried about my wife though shes been going through 3 packs a day!
Two guys are in a boat with three cigarettes.....
Two guys are in a boat with three cigarettes. They had no fire, so they threw one of the cigarettes overboard, and the entire boat became a cigarette lighter.
A Frenchman, a Jew and a p**...
A Frenchman, a Jew and a p**... are each sentenced to thirty years in prison. Each man is given one request that will be honored by the jail warden.
A woman, asks the Frenchman.
A telephone, says the Jew.
A cigarette, says the p**....
Thirty years later the Frenchman walks out with the woman and ten kids.
The Jew strolls out carrying a ten thousand dollar commission he has made during the time.
The p**... walks out and says, Has anyone got a match?
A young priest asked his bishop, May I smoke while praying? ...
The answer was an emphatic No!
Later, when he sees an older priest puffing on a cigarette while praying, the younger priest scolded him, You shouldn't be smoking while praying! I asked the bishop, and he said I couldn't do it!
That's odd, the old priest replied. I asked the bishop if I could pray while I'm smoking, and he told me that it was okay to pray at any time!
Squirrels are like cigarettes.
They are completely harmless until you stick one in your mouth and light them on fire.
There are three guys on a boat
There are three guys on a boat and four cigarettes, and there are no lighters or matches or anything to light them with, so what do they do?
They throw one cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Chicken and an egg
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken lights up a cigarette. The egg, with a dissatisfied look on it's face, rolls over and remarks, "Well, I guess we answered that question."
Smoking two cigarettes at once
A girl saw a guy smoking two cigarettes at once, she asked him why ? he replied that he smokes one for himself and one for his buddy in prison. Another day, the same girl saw that guy again smoking only one cigarette this time, she said : "Congrats! i'm verry happy for you and your friend ! he must have missed you", he replied that he still is in prison, she asked : "so why are you smoking only one cigarette ?", he replied : "i stopped smoking".
Cigarettes are just like weasels...
Both are completely harmless until you put them in your mouth and set them on fire.
My 10-year old daughter just Dad joked me.
She said she was leaving to get cigarettes and never came home.
Teacher: What do you do after school?
1st Student: I go and buy w**... from Yakobo
2nd Student: I always go and buy cigarettes from Yakobo.
3rd Student: I go and buy c**... from Yakobo.
4th Student: I always stay at home and do my homework.
Teacher: You are a great student, I hereby appoint you as the class monitor. You are a good example to other students. What's your name?
4th Student: Yakobo
Don't you hate it when you're driving along smoking a cigarette, you flick it out the window and you drive for a couple more miles and smell something funny and you look over onto the back seat and sure enough..
Grandma's f**... herself again
My girlfriend told me she had never heard of condoms...
I thought she must be pulling my leg so I played along. Oh yeah? I said, They're for covering your cigarettes in the rain.
Well one day we were in a pharmacy and she asked the clerk for a package of condoms. He asked what kind, and she said oh, to fit a camel.
I took my son to see Santa Claus yesterday and he stank of booze and cigarettes.
God knows what Santa Claus thought of him.
When I...
A man walks into a bar, orders a drink, and yells "When I drink, everybody drinks!". Everybody rushes to the counter and orders a drink.
After that, he orders another drink and yells "When I get another drink, everybody gets another drink!". Everybody rushes to the counter and orders another drink.
After finishing the drink, the man orders a sandwich and yells "When I eat, everybody eats!". Everybody rushes to the counter and orders food.
After eating the sandwich, the man buys a cigarette and yells "When I get a smoke, everybody gets a smoke!". Everybody rushes to the counter and gets a cigarette.
After smoking, the man pays $25 and yells "When I pay, everybody pays!"
A cigarette after s**......
That's how I quit smoking.
"One cigarette each time you have s**..." was the doctor's prescription.
That's how I quit smoking.
My wife and I decided only to smoke after s**...
I haven't had a cigarette in 10 years but my wife is up to two packs a day
I saw a woman once
Who was smoking a cigarette at a gas station while she filled her car. She pulled out the nozzle and gas shot everywhere and her arm was immediately engulfed in flames. She starts waving it around and a cop saw it and shot her dead. She was waving an i**... fire arm.
A pregnant woman asks the cashier for a pack of cigarettes...
The cashier immediately begins to berate her for such a poor decision. "I can't believe you are being so s**.... Knowing that you are pregnant! You shouldn't buy a single pack until after you've had the baby."
"You're right," the lady replied, "Give me a carton. I'm smoking for two now."
A young man on his first date.
A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have s**... when the girl stopped. I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a h**... and I charge $20 for s**.... The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. Why aren't we going anywhere? asked the girl. Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25…
My wife and I decided to curb our smoking habit a bit by only smoking after s**....
I havnt touched a cigarette in 10 years and shes up to 2 packs a day.
RIP Rodney.
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton-b**... and a ball of string on the counter.
The sales girl says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's so much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she."
I used to have a dog with no legs named Cigarette
And every now and again I would take him out for a drag.
We have a dog with no legs
We called him "cigarette" because every now and then we'd take him out for a drag
A man is smoking two cigarettes at a park
Another man walks up to him and asks, "Why are you smoking two cigarettes?"
He replies: "I'm smoking one for myself and one for my brother, he is in a no-smoking prison."
Satisfied with the answer, the man walks away.
A few days pass and he sees the same man at the park, but he's only smoking one cigarette.
Excited, he goes up to the man and asks, "Did your brother get out of prison? You are only smoking one cigarette."
He replies: "No, I quit smoking."
A man noticed that his friend only smoked two cigarettes at a time.
He asked him about it and his friend said: "one for me and one on my imprisoned brother's behalf. He told me to smoke for him too"
Years later, the man saw his friend smoking only one cigarette, he told him: "I'm guessing good news! Your brother finished his sentence?"
His friend said: "No, I quit smoking"
This g**... Tinder asked me why I have an unlit cigarette in my picture.
I told her that I am looking for matches.
I'm fine with alchohol, cigarettes and m**...
But coccaine is where I draw the line
There's a guy who smokes 2 cigarettes together
They asked him: why do you always smoke 2 cigarettes together?
He said: one for me, and one for my brother in prison.
After a while they saw him smoking one cigarette only and they asked him: so your brother is out of the jail?
He said: no, I stopped smoking.
My rescue dog has no legs, so I named her cigarette...
and every night we go out for a drag.
