Cigarette Jokes

Following is our collection of vapist humor and cigar one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Cigarette puns for adults, dirty drag jokes or clean nicotine gags for kids.

There is an abundance of smoker jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 78 funniest jokes on cigarette. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any tobacco witze you can hear about cigarette.

The Best jokes about Cigarette

3 guys are on a boat and they have 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with. What do they do?

They throw one cigarette off the boat and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

There are 3 men on a boat and 4 cigarettes, they don't have a lighter, how do they smoke?

they toss one cigarette over board to make the boat a cigarette lighter.

Don't you hate it when you're driving along smoking a cigarette, you flick it out the window and you drive for a couple more miles and smell something funny and you look over onto the back seat and sure enough..

Grandma's fingering herself again

Cigarettes are like hamsters

Totally harmless, until you stick one in your mouth and set it on fire.

Ebay needs to step their game up.

I searched for a cigarette lighter and 15,000 matches came up.


This girl on Tinder asked me why I have an unlit cigarette in my picture.

I told her that I am looking for matches.

Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with.

So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

There are 2 people on a boat…

There are two people on a boat; they have three cigarettes. However, they don't have a lighter. What do they do?

They throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat *became a cigarette lighter!*

My wife and I decided to curb our smoking habit a bit by only smoking after sex.

I havnt touched a cigarette in 10 years and shes up to 2 packs a day.

RIP Rodney.

I have a dog with no legs

I call him cigarette. Every night I take him out for a drag.

There's a guy who smokes 2 cigarettes together

They asked him: why do you always smoke 2 cigarettes together?

He said: one for me, and one for my brother in prison.

After a while they saw him smoking one cigarette only and they asked him: so your brother is out of the jail?

He said: no, I stopped smoking.


Cigarette warnings should also include how dangerous it is just going to purchase a package...

My dad left 19 years ago to buy some and he still hasn't made it back.

A man noticed that his friend only smoked two cigarettes at a time.

He asked him about it and his friend said: "one for me and one on my imprisoned brother's behalf. He told me to smoke for him too"

Years later, the man saw his friend smoking only one cigarette, he told him: "I'm guessing good news! Your brother finished his sentence?"

His friend said: "No, I quit smoking"

"One cigarette each time you have sex" was the doctor's prescription.

That's how I quit smoking.

I was on a bus when this girl offered to blow me for $5...

β€Ž...and never being a person to pass up a good deal, I gave her $5 and watched her do her thing. After she was finished she lit up a cigarette and started smoking right there on the bus.

I was disgusted. I thought to myself, "What is this world coming to? Who sells cigarettes to a 12 year old?"

Cigarettes are just like squirrels.

They aren't dangerous until you stick one in your mouth and light it on fire.

I used to have a dog with no legs named Cigarette

And every now and again I would take him out for a drag.

Three men brought four cigarettes onto a boat, but then realized they had no lighters or matches. What do they do?

Throw one cigarette off the boat and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

Smoking two cigarettes at once

A girl saw a guy smoking two cigarettes at once, she asked him why ? he replied that he smokes one for himself and one for his buddy in prison. Another day, the same girl saw that guy again smoking only one cigarette this time, she said : "Congrats! i'm verry happy for you and your friend ! he must have missed you", he replied that he still is in prison, she asked : "so why are you smoking only one cigarette ?", he replied : "i stopped smoking".


3 men were on a boat..

And all they had were 4 cigarettes.

Unsure on what to do, one of them throws a cigarette overboard.

Now the boat was a cigarette lighter.

Chicken and an egg

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken lights up a cigarette. The egg, with a dissatisfied look on it's face, rolls over and remarks, "Well, I guess we answered that question."

2 men are on a boat sharing a pack of cigarettes when they realise they have no lighter

How do they light up?

They toss a cigarette overboard to make the boat a cigarette lighter.

I googled cigarette lighters

And got 1,500,000 matches.

There are three men in a boat in the middle of the ocean with four cigarettes, no lighter or any matches. What do they do?

They throw one of the cigarettes overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn't matter - He won't come anyway.


But you could call him "cigarette" and take him out for a drag.

Two guys are in a boat with three cigarettes.....

Two guys are in a boat with three cigarettes. They had no fire, so they threw one of the cigarettes overboard, and the entire boat became a cigarette lighter.

Please don't throw cigarette butts in urinals.

It makes them soggy and hard to light.

A young priest asked his bishop, May I smoke while praying? ...

The answer was an emphatic No!

Later, when he sees an older priest puffing on a cigarette while praying, the younger priest scolded him, You shouldn't be smoking while praying! I asked the bishop, and he said I couldn't do it!

That's odd, the old priest replied. I asked the bishop if I could pray while I'm smoking, and he told me that it was okay to pray at any time!

A kid in the park told me smoking was bad for me

So I popped his ballon with my cigarette and informed him so was talking to strangers.

A cigarette after sex...

That's how I quit smoking.

Three guys are on a boat with four cigarettes, but they don't have any matches or lighters. What do they do?

They throw one cigarette overboard and the entire boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

*Stolen from BuzzFeed, but I thought it was hilarious.*

You know, cigarettes are a lot like Hamsters, Perfectly Harmless....

That is unless, of course, you put it in your mouth and light it on fire.

A man on fire

A man is filling up his car tank with gasoline and accidentally gets some on his hand. He doesn't notice it, so when he gets into his car he lights a cigarette. His arm instantly catches on fire. The man sticks his arm out the window and begins to wave it around attempting to blow out the flames crawling up his sleeve. A policeman sees the man struggling with his arm on fire and arrests him on the spot for an unlicensed firearm.

A computer programmer was sitting at home with his wife.

He takes a cigarette out of his pocket, lights it, and takes a puff.
His wife looks at him angrily and says,
"You really need to stop doing that. Can't you see the warning on the box? It says 'hazardous to health!'"
The programmer takes another puff of his cigarette and says,
"I'm a computer programmer. I don't care about warnings. I only care about errors."

3 men were in a boat with 4 cigarettes,but there was no way to light them.What did they do?

Threw one cigarette overboard and the boat became a cigarette lighter.

I saw a woman once

Who was smoking a cigarette at a gas station while she filled her car. She pulled out the nozzle and gas shot everywhere and her arm was immediately engulfed in flames. She starts waving it around and a cop saw it and shot her dead. She was waving an illegal fire arm.

After sex, a lot of people like to smoke a cigarette.

As a gay man, me and my boyfriend smoke weed after sex. After all, in the bible it says "if a man lies with another man, he should be stoned."

Scariest thing ever

The scariest thing in the world is waking up with a cigarette in one hand and a beer in the other. I was so scared I almost swerved off the road!

There are three guys on a boat

There are three guys on a boat and four cigarettes, and there are no lighters or matches or anything to light them with, so what do they do?
They throw one cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

Cigarettes are just like weasels...

Both are completely harmless until you put them in your mouth and set them on fire.

Why did a man name his legless dog, Cigarette?

Cause he had to take him out for a drag every night.

Finally took that warning on the cigarette pack to heart

and stopped littering

What's a hipster's favorite kind of cigarette?

Yours.

3 guys are on a boat with four cigarettes and nothing to light them with.

So they throw a cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

My wife and I decided only to smoke after sex

I haven't had a cigarette in 10 years but my wife is up to two packs a day

2 nuns were smoking when it started to rain...

The first nun takes out a condom and cuts off the end and slides it over her cigarette and continues smoking.

The second nun notices that it is keeping the first nuns cigarette dry and asks "where'd you get that?"

"From the Pharmacy" replied the first nun.

So the second nun heads down to the pharmacy and asks the clerk for a pack of condoms.

"What size do you need" asked the clerk.

The nun replied - "Large enough to fit a Camel"

Two old ladies are outside smoking a cigarette

It starts raining and without hesitating one of the ladies pulls a condom out of her purse and covers the cig to keep it from getting wet.

The other lady thinks this is genius and walks to the nearest pharmacy.

She grabs a pack of extra large condoms and proceeds to check out.
The cashier says," ma'am, are you sure you need these in extra large?"

The old lady replies, "well I'm not sure, do you think they'll fit a Camel?"

Getting my dad some strong aftershave and a cigarette lighter for Christmas.

Can't wait to see his face light up.

A man is smoking two cigarettes at a park

Another man walks up to him and asks, "Why are you smoking two cigarettes?"

He replies: "I'm smoking one for myself and one for my brother, he is in a no-smoking prison."

Satisfied with the answer, the man walks away.

A few days pass and he sees the same man at the park, but he's only smoking one cigarette.

Excited, he goes up to the man and asks, "Did your brother get out of prison? You are only smoking one cigarette."

He replies: "No, I quit smoking."

There are three men on a boat with a pack of cigarettes and no matches. How did they manage to smoke?

They threw a cigarette overboard, and made the boat a cigarette lighter

Still my favorite joke I ever made up. :)

A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."

So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump into each other as they cross paths and fall to the floor, hopelessly entangled. They try to get free but the more they struggle, the more tangled they become.

The bartender looks down on this travesty and shakes his head. "Hey you two!" he shouts. "Stop making spectacles of yourselves!"

When I...

A man walks into a bar, orders a drink, and yells "When I drink, everybody drinks!". Everybody rushes to the counter and orders a drink.

After that, he orders another drink and yells "When I get another drink, everybody gets another drink!". Everybody rushes to the counter and orders another drink.

After finishing the drink, the man orders a sandwich and yells "When I eat, everybody eats!". Everybody rushes to the counter and orders food.

After eating the sandwich, the man buys a cigarette and yells "When I get a smoke, everybody gets a smoke!". Everybody rushes to the counter and gets a cigarette.

After smoking, the man pays $25 and yells "When I pay, everybody pays!"

I saw a woman at the fuel pump spill gasoline on her arm and then light a cigarette.

The police arrested her for waving a firearm.

A tourist is in Russia and they see a frail little babushka sitting in front of her house, smoking a cigarette and drinking vodka.

So he stops and asks her: "Excuse me, but are you celebrating something?"


"No, I drink a few bottles of vodka every day. Always have."


"Amazing. And the cigarettes?"


"At least four packs a day, since I was a little girl."


"That's amazing! May I ask, how old are you?"


"Twenty-five".

We have a dog with no legs

We called him "cigarette" because every now and then we'd take him out for a drag

A young man on his first date.

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped. I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex. The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. Why aren't we going anywhere? asked the girl. Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25…

A Frenchman, a Jew and a Polack

A Frenchman, a Jew and a Polack are each sentenced to thirty years in prison. Each man is given one request that will be honored by the jail warden.

A woman, asks the Frenchman.

A telephone, says the Jew.

A cigarette, says the Polack.

Thirty years later the Frenchman walks out with the woman and ten kids.

The Jew strolls out carrying a ten thousand dollar commission he has made during the time.

The Polack walks out and says, Has anyone got a match?

I walked out of my local shop today...

...and outside was a tramp. Same guy as always, but I'd never talked to him before. As I passed, he said, "Excuse me, I don't suppose you have a spare cigarette I can have?". I looked around, and I was the only person in the vacinity, so I knew he was talking to me. "Sorry mate, I don't smoke." I replied, which is true. He looked disappointed, but then asked hopefully "Any change?", I thought for a second before answering "Nope, still don't smoke."

So a chicken and an egg are lying in bed together.

The chicken slowly puffs on a cigarette as he radiates satisfaction. The frustrated egg turns to him and barks, "Well I guess that answers that question."

Nighttime. You're alone on a small boat at sea, hours away from any land. All you brought with you is a pack of cigarettes. You wanna smoke, but realize you forgot a lighter. What do you do?

You just take out a cigarette, throw it off the boat into the water... thus, making the boat a cigarette lighter.

Three men are on a boat with four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with

They decide to throw one overboard, so the boat becomes a cigarette lighter

Two elderly ladies are smoking outside...

It stared raining and one of the ladies pulls out a condom, cuts the end off and puts it over her cigarette so it won't get wet. The other lady thinks this is a great idea so she decides to head to the store to buy some condoms.
When she gets there she goes to the counter and asks the cashier for a pack of condoms. He looks at her in disgust as he can't believe someone of her age would be having sex. He asks what kind she would like anyways as he doesn't want to lose his job.
She replys "honey, it doesn't matter what kind as long as it fits a camel"

Two men are standing on the pavement...

Two men are standing on the pavement smoking cigarettes. The first man turns to the other and asks, "Why are you smoking two cigarettes?" The second man responds, "One is for me and the other is in honor of my brother who is in jail." The first man nods his understanding and leaves to get on with his day.

Two weeks later the first man walks past the second man and sees he is only smoking one cigarette. Excited he asks him, "Is your brother out of jail?" The second man looks at him in a dejected way and replies, "No, I just quit smoking."

A beautiful black woman was filling her car with gas...

I noticed that she wasn't paying much attention; she was looking at her phone as she removed the pump from her car and accidentally spilled gasoline on herself.

As she got into her car she pulled out a cigarette and lit it, but the gasoline on her arm set on fire. Luckily, there was a cop a couple pumps away, so she ran out of her car and ran at him, waving her burning arm at him for help.

The cop was completely caught off guard and, in his confusion, he shot her.

I wasn't that surprised though... it was her fault for running at him with a firearm.

Two homosexuals bumped into each other one day in Bondi Junction.

After their customary intimate greeting, one of them asked the other, "Fabian, have you stopped smoking?"

When Fabian replied in the affirmative, his chum asked him how he had managed to kick the habit.

Explained Fabian, "It was easy really. Everytime I felt like a cigarette, I`d just suck on a lifesaver."

Replied his friend, "Well - lucky you live near the beach."

Berta and Ethel are two older ladies who were outside smoking cigarettes when it starts rain.

Berta reaches into her purse and pulls out a condom with the tip cut off. She slides the condom over the cigarette and resumes smoking. "What are you doing?" asks Ethel. "Oh, this?" replies Berta, "I always carry a condom to put on my cigarettes when it starts to rain."

Thinking this is a terrific idea, the next day Ethel goes to her pharmacy to buy condoms. Realizing that she'd never done this before, she asks a clerk for some help. "Of course, ma'am," says the clerk, "what size do you need?" Ethel replies, "Oh I don't know, but it needs to fit a camel."

Why did the man smoke a cigarette in Beijing?

To get some fresh air

Two Old Ladies go out for a smoke in the rain

As they're smoking, Old Lady 1 takes out a condom, cuts off the end, and puts it over her cigarette. Old Lady 2 looks at her and, realizing what a good idea it is, asks "hey where'd you get that."

"The Pharmacy, you can get a huge box of em down there."

The next day, Old Lady 2 goes into the pharmacy and says to the pharmacist "I need a box of condoms please"

The pharmacist looked at old lady questioningly (she was 80 after all) and asked "what size?"

The Old lady thought for a second and said "It doesn't matter, as long as it can fit on a Camel"

A joke my grandma told me at our last family reunion.

Liz and Mary are working hard at their desks. Liz stands up and invites Mary to go outside for a cigarette. They go outside only to find it's pouring rain so badly it would be impossible to smoke. However, Mary pulls a condom out of her purse and puts it around her cigarette and proceeds to smoke. Liz, completely astonished, thought it was the most fantastic idea ever. So, after work, she goes to a pharmacy and asks for some condoms. The clerk says, "What size?" The lady responds, "Big enough to fit a camel."

My Gran fell asleep last night with a cigarette in her hand. That woman was the best thing since sliced bread.

Now she's toast.

A chicken and egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette.

The egg says to herself, "I guess we answered that question."

Three guys are on a boat and they have four cigarettes, but no lighters or matches or anything to light it with. What do they do?

They throw one cigarette over board and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

I almost got mugged today

Guy runs up on me with a knife and says' "Your money or your life."
I said, "Look, man, I'm married. I ain't got no money and I ain't got no life."
He gave me a hug and a cigarette.

Last weekend my dad caught me smoking a cigarette and for punishment made me smoke until I puked.

This weekend I made sure he caught me in bed with my girlfriend.

Father's ashes!

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to get them some snacks and drinks.

As he's standing there alone, he lights a cigarette. After a while, he notices a cute little vase on the mantle. He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in.

He says, "What's this?"

She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."

He turns beet red in horror and goes, "Oh God no... Oh!!! I just....."

She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."

Good Sunday

On their first date, a man asked his companion if she'd like a drink with dinner.

"Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?" she said.

Later, he offered her a cigarette.

"Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?" she said again.

On the drive home, he saw a motel. Figuring he had nothing to lose, he asked if she wanted to stop in there.

"Okay," his date replied.

"What will you tell your Sunday school class? he asked, shocked.

"The same thing I always tell them. 'You don't have to drink or smoke to have a good time.'"

On A Desert Island For 10 Years

A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit...
The man runs to greet her, "Am I ever happy to see you."
The girl says "Hi! Looks like you've been here a long time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" The man says, "It's been ten years!" With this information the girl unzips a pocket on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man cigarette.
The man says, "Thanks!" The girl says, "So tell me, how long its been since you had a drink?"
The man replies, "It's been ten years" The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and out comes a flask of whiskey. The man takes a drink.
The man is so happy. "Wow. Thanks. You are a life saver!"
The girl begins to unzip the front of her wet suit. She says seductively, "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?" Excitedly, the man says, "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too?!"

I promised myself that I would have a cigarette after having sex

Well, at least I'm cancer-free. :)

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes