Cigar Jokes

94 cigar jokes and hilarious cigar puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about cigar that are clean and suitable for kids and friends. We've covered all the best cuban cigar jokes, cigar lounge jokes.

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Funniest Cigar Short Jokes

Short cigar jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The cigar humour may include short tobacco jokes also.

  1. Fidel Castro was a cigar-smoking, repressive leader who hated free speech and a free press. Donald Trump, in comparison, doesn't smoke.
  2. My friend went on holiday to Havana... ...and asked me what gift I would like him to get for me. I said get me "something Cuban", but he got me a Che Guevara t shirt.
    Clothes, but no cigar.
  3. I remember 30 years ago with a dollar you went to the supermarket and went out with 2 sandwiches, 1 box of 6 beers and a pack of cigars. Today, unfortunately, there are cameras everywhere.
  4. I asked my parents for something Cuban. They got me a Che Guevara t-shirt. Clothes, but no cigar
  5. Cuban I asked my grandmother for "something Cuban" for my birthday, and she had got me a Che Guevara shirt.
    Clothes, but no cigar.
  6. A chicken and an egg are laying in bed... When the chicken sits up, lights a cigar and says " Well I guess that answers that question."
  7. A dog with a cowboy hat, spurs and a cigar limps in through the swinging doors of a saloon... ...He says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw"
  8. My friend came second in a Winston Churchill lookalike competition He was close, but no cigar
  9. Why does the ashtray tell the truth everytime someone uses it to put out a cigar? It likes big butts and it cannot lie
  10. I just came second in a Fidel Castro lookalike contest. Judge said I was close, but no cigar.

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Cigar One Liners

Which cigar one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with cigar? I can suggest the ones about smoking and smokers.

  1. I like my women like I like my cigars 7 years old and coming from Cuba in a burlap sack
  2. I came 2nd in a Fidel Castro look-a-like competition.. close but no cigar
  3. Googled 'how to light a cigar'... and got 70 million matches.
  4. Oh yeah, I REALLY hate cigars. -Fidel Sarcastro
  5. Does Hilary's scandal compare to Bill's? I'd say it's close, but no cigar.
  6. Can a cigar box? No, but a tin can.
  7. I like my women like I like my cigars. Cuban, shipped in bulk and 7 years old.
  8. My dad left to get a pack of cigars He came back tho
  9. I like my women how I like my cigars Seven years old and in a burlap sack from India
  10. I like my women like I like my cigars Smuggled in from Cuba in a burlap sack
  11. Chuck Norris occasionally smokes large cigars.
    The last one was called the Hindenburg.
  12. Cigars are most ecological product in world. It kills pollution directly from source.
  13. Who was the intern Bill Clinton smashed? Was it Paula Jones? Close, but no cigar.
  14. Why are cigars unhealthier than cigarettes? Because they're fatter.
  15. My hands are too small to smoke cigars I blame big tobacco

Smoking Cigar Jokes

Here is a list of funny smoking cigar jokes and even better smoking cigar puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars. A question mark walks into a bar?
  • Did you hear that Monica Lewinsky stopped smoking cigars? Now she's just bummimg cigarettes!
  • My buddy took some amazing pictures of himself with a cigar, hanging out in a funhouse. When I asked him how he did it, he said "It's all Smoke and Mirrors".
  • If you use a lighter on a cigar, a man will smoke for a day If you use a lighter on a man, he'll smoke for the rest of his life.
  • So there is this class in New York that teaches women how to smoke cigars, and the price per person is one-hundred dollars The price to watch is two-hundred.
  • I was meeting a friend at a smoke shop and accidentally went into the dry cleaners next door... Clothes, but no cigar.
  • Vaping is pretty close to smoking. It's close, but no cigar.
  • Chuck Norris doesn't smoke cigars.
    He smokes smoke grenades.
  • Where does Christopher Walken like to smoke cigars? A Walken humidor.
  • What kind of cigars does Baby Jesus smoke? (Mmmph!) Meek & Milds!!!! :0

Cuban Cigar Jokes

Here is a list of funny cuban cigar jokes and even better cuban cigar puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What did Monica Lewinsky lean over and say to Mark Cuban at the Presidential Debate? Is that a Cuban Cigar?
  • I like my women like I like my Cuban cigars. 7 years old and delivered to me in a burlap sack!
  • A great idea for Shark Tank Mark Cuban Cigars.
Cigar joke, A great idea for Shark Tank

Cigar joke, A great idea for Shark Tank

Comical Cigar Jokes to Spread Joy and Laughter

What funny jokes about cigar you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean fire smoke jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make cigar pranks.

How near was the boy to his dad's tobacco stash before getting busted?

Close... but no cigar.

Little Johnny and the Salesman

A salesman knocks on a door. A few seconds later the door opens. Little Johnny is standing there with a bourbon and Coke in one hand and lit cigar in the other hand.
The salesman looks at him for a second and then asks "Little boy, is your mommy here?"
Johnny flicks some cigar ash on the carpet, rubs it into the carpet with his shoe. Then he looks at the salesman and asks "What do you think?"

First timer

Son comes back home at night
Dad is waiting for him and asks:
- where have u been so late!!??
- dad I just lost my virginity!
- ohh...I'm so proud of you... have a cigar, whiskey, sit down and tell me everything
- ok I'll take a cigar and whiskey but I won't sit down.


Some guy is smoking in an airport.
"How many cigarettes do you smoke daily, sir?"
"Did you know that if you collected all the money you spend on cigarettes and medications you could buy that plane?
"Well, do you smoke cigarettes?"
"No, sir"
"Do you own a plane?"
"Uhm. No..."
"Well, thanks for the advice. By the way that plane's mine."

I robbed a convenience store today, only to find out I accidentally grabbed the cigarillos instead

i was close, but no cigar

As told to me by my dad who smokes a lot

Did the disappointed s**... get everything he wanted for Christmas? Clothes but no cigar.

Went to the doctor today.

He wanted to know if the laxatives he prescribed worked. I told him it was close, but no cigar.

What's the best name for a cigarette company?


I came in second at a Monica Lewinsky look alike competition. . .

. . . the judge said I was close, but no cigar.

"I have 14 children, Groucho"

Woman: I have 14 children, Groucho .
Groucho: You have 14 children? Why do you have so many kids?
Woman: Because I love my husband .
Groucho: I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth every once in a while.

a french girl married a texas guy..

After a while together, she is complaining:
- listen, John, when you kiss me with a chewing gum in your mouth, I can live with that, when you make love to me with your boots and hat on - i can bear with it, but please take your cigar out when we do 69!

What would Hillary tell Bill when she will sit at the Oval Office?

"Close, Bill, but no cigar!"

I assassinated my friend...

I gave Miguel a cigar and lit the end. When it began to fizzle, he looked at me, puzzled.
"What brand of cigar does this?" he asked.
I answered, "Red Herring, of course."
And his chair exploded.

What do cigarettes and Jacob Sartorious have in common?

They both cause cancer

Police nearly apprehended a drug dealer selling c**... in a tobacco store.

They were close, but no cigar.

So Trump walks into a bar...

and sees Bill having a drink. "Hey Bill catch me in the news lately? I'm a bigger pervert than you!" Bill chuckles as he goes back to his drink. "Close, but no cigar."

American nuclear response time is around four minutes.

But eight minutes if you are using a cigar on a n**... intern.

I like my cigarettes like my Instagram.


What did the disappointed s**... get for Christmas?

Clothes but no cigar...

Cigarette warnings should also include how dangerous it is just going to purchase a package...

My dad left 19 years ago to buy some and he still hasn't made it back.

Cigarettes on a boat.

Three sailors are on a boat. They have four cigarettes and feel the sudden urge to smoke, but the problem is they don't have a lighter. How do they smoke?
They toss one of the cigarettes into the ocean to make the boat a cigarette lighter.

Cigarettes are just like squirrels.

They aren't dangerous until you stick one in your mouth and light it on fire.

Cigarettes are just like weasels...

Both are completely harmless until you put them in your mouth and set them on fire.

Groucho Marx is on TV, interviewing a woman with 14 children

— My god, that's a lot of children! How can you do this?
— I love my husband a lot…
— Lady, I love my cigar, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while!

69 is known as s**...'s position......

Girl smoke the cigar and guy cleans the ashtray.

I saw two cigarettes having a fight outside a shop earlier

They looked absolutely menthol

Why do cigarettes cost so much?

Because smokers keep coughing up money.

If the opposite of bachelor is bachelorette, what's the opposite of cigar?

Living to see your grandchildren.

A cigarette is safer than a bottle of wine.

If you don't believe me, let me hit you on the head with a cigarette.

Hillary was asked if Weinstein's behavior compared to that of her husband's.

She said "Close, but no cigar."

A salesman knocked on a suburban door...

...and was greeted by a nine-year-old boy puffing away on a long black cigar. Stunned for a brief moment, he managed to regain his composure and say "Good afternoon. Would your mother or father be home?" The boy took the cigar out of his mouth, flicked ashes onto the carpet, and replied "What the f*c**... do you think?"

A man travelling through Arizona stops at a small town and goes into a bar

He stands at the end of the bar and lights up a cigar. As he sips his drink, he stands there quietly blowing smoke rings.
After he's blown nine or ten smoke rings, an angry Indian comes up to him and says, "Listen buddy, if you don't stop calling me names, I'll smash your face in!"

What did the cheap cigar say to the bag of w**...?

May I be blunt with you?

Cigarettes are dangerous

My dad went out for some 17 years ago and he never came back.

Cigarette packets says smoking kills so I stopped smoking them

I just smoke the ones that seriously damage health instead

A cigarette after s**......

That's how I quit smoking.

"One cigarette each time you have s**..." was the doctor's prescription.

That's how I quit smoking.

You know, cigarettes are a lot like Hamsters, Perfectly Harmless....

That is unless, of course, you put it in your mouth and light it on fire.

Cigarettes are like hamsters

Totally harmless, until you stick one in your mouth and set it on fire.

How many cigarettes did the rapper smoke each day?


What do cigarettes and dogs with no legs have in common?

You take them both out for a drag

I just found out The Spice Girls were paid off by the tobacco industry to hide subliminal pro-smoking messages in their songs.

I couldn't believe it, so I put on one of their records, and it made me really really really want a cig or cigar.

What do you call it when someone coerces you into smoking m**... rolled into a cigar and it mentally scars you?

Blunt force trauma

What do a cigarette and a hamster have in common?

What do a cigarette and a hamster have in common?
A: They are both perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.

A travelling salesman knocks on a door, which is opened by a 12 year old in a bathrobe, holding a cigar and a snifter of cognac

The salesman is shocked, but manages to say, "Excuse me, is your dad home?"
The kid responds, "What the h**... do you think?"

If you have two cigarettes in a boat and throw one overboard…

You have made the boat a cigarette lighter.

How are a cigarette and a hamster alike?

Both are completely harmless until you stick them in your mouth and light them on fire.

My friend is a s**... and decided to read about the health risks of smoking.

He went online and read about how smoking can lead to cancer, and other health risks.
A few days later I meet up with him and find him overjoyed and full of energy, so I asked him what did he do to become so healthy.
He tells me while lighting a cigar: "I quit reading."

A guy walks into a bar

... and orders a beer. "Hey, what happened to the smoke shop that used to be next door? the guy asks the bartender. "I thought I'd stop in and pick up some stuff and now its some sort of ladies apparel store." "Yep," the bartender replies. "Clothes, but no cigar."

Cigar joke, A guy walks into a bar

jokes about cigar