Cigar Jokes
87 cigar jokes and hilarious cigar puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about cigar that are clean and suitable for kids and friends. We've covered all the best cuban cigar jokes, cigar lounge jokes.
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Funniest Cigar Short Jokes
Short cigar jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The cigar humour may include short tobacco jokes also.
- Fidel Castro was a cigar-smoking, repressive leader who hated free speech and a free press. Donald Trump, in comparison, doesn't smoke.
- My friend went on holiday to Havana... ...and asked me what gift I would like him to get for me. I said get me "something Cuban", but he got me a Che Guevara t shirt.
Clothes, but no cigar. - I remember 30 years ago with a dollar you went to the supermarket and went out with 2 sandwiches, 1 box of 6 beers and a pack of cigars. Today, unfortunately, there are cameras everywhere.
- My friend came second in a Winston Churchill lookalike competition He was close, but no cigar
- An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars. A question mark walks into a bar?
- Did you hear that Monica Lewinsky stopped smoking cigars? Now she's just bummimg cigarettes!
- Hillary was asked if Weinstein's behavior compared to that of her husband's. She said "Close, but no cigar."
- If the opposite of bachelor is bachelorette, what's the opposite of cigar? Living to see your grandchildren.
- My buddy took some amazing pictures of himself with a cigar, hanging out in a funhouse. When I asked him how he did it, he said "It's all Smoke and Mirrors".
- Apparently Bill Clinton is so sure that Hillary is going to win that he stopped at the tobacco store and bought a box of cigars. He has interviews scheduled for his new interns all day.
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Cigar One Liners
Which cigar one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with cigar? I can suggest the ones about smoking and smokers.
- I came 2nd in a Fidel Castro look-a-like competition.. close but no cigar
- Googled 'how to light a cigar'... and got 70 million matches.
- Oh yeah, I REALLY hate cigars. -Fidel Sarcastro
- Does Hilary's scandal compare to Bill's? I'd say it's close, but no cigar.
- Can a cigar box? No, but a tin can.
- I like my women like I like my cigars. Cuban, shipped in bulk and 7 years old.
- My dad left to get a pack of cigars He came back tho
- Chuck Norris occasionally smokes large cigars.
The last one was called the Hindenburg. - Cigars are most ecological product in world. It kills pollution directly from source.
- Who was the intern Bill Clinton smashed? Was it Paula Jones? Close, but no cigar.
- Why are cigars unhealthier than cigarettes? Because they're fatter.
- My hands are too small to smoke cigars I blame big tobacco
- Vaping is pretty close to smoking. It's close, but no cigar.
- Did you hear about the guy who mistook the oxygen bar for a cigar bar? He had a blast.
- Chuck Norris doesn't smoke cigars.
He smokes smoke grenades.
Smoking Cigar Jokes
Here is a list of funny smoking cigar jokes and even better smoking cigar puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- If you use a lighter on a cigar, a man will smoke for a day If you use a lighter on a man, he'll smoke for the rest of his life.
- So there is this class in New York that teaches women how to smoke cigars, and the price per person is one-hundred dollars The price to watch is two-hundred.
- I was meeting a friend at a smoke shop and accidentally went into the dry cleaners next door... Clothes, but no cigar.
- Where does Christopher Walken like to smoke cigars? A Walken humidor.
Cuban Cigar Jokes
Here is a list of funny cuban cigar jokes and even better cuban cigar puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What did Monica Lewinsky lean over and say to Mark Cuban at the Presidential Debate? Is that a Cuban Cigar?
- A great idea for Shark Tank Mark Cuban Cigars.
Comical Cigar Jokes to Spread Joy and Laughter
What funny jokes about cigar you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean fire smoke jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make cigar pranks.
How near was the boy to his dad's tobacco stash before getting busted?
Close... but no cigar.
Adult book store
Three guys are arrested in an adult book store and appear before the judge. He asks the first guy to stand:
"What is your name?" he asked.
"George," the guy answered.
"And why were you arrested?" the judge asked.
"I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and blowing smoke," he answered.
The judge didn't see anything wrong with that, so he dismissed the guy and called up the next one.
"What's your name?" he asked.
"George," the guy answered.
"Why were you arrested?" the Judge asked.
"I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and blowing smoke," he answered.
Again, the judge saw nothing offensive, 'This so-called adult store is begining to sound more like a smoking club!' he thought. So he dismissed the charge and called up the next guy.
"What's your name?? No wait, let me guess; George," he said.
"No," said the guy, "My name is Smoke."
Little Johnny and the Salesman
A salesman knocks on a door. A few seconds later the door opens. Little Johnny is standing there with a bourbon and Coke in one hand and lit cigar in the other hand.
The salesman looks at him for a second and then asks "Little boy, is your mommy here?"
Johnny flicks some cigar ash on the carpet, rubs it into the carpet with his shoe. Then he looks at the salesman and asks "What do you think?"
Cigarretes
Some guy is smoking in an airport.
"How many cigarettes do you smoke daily, sir?"
"Why?"
"Did you know that if you collected all the money you spend on cigarettes and medications you could buy that plane?
"Well, do you smoke cigarettes?"
"No, sir"
"Do you own a plane?"
"Uhm. No..."
"Well, thanks for the advice. By the way that plane's mine."
I robbed a convenience store today, only to find out I accidentally grabbed the cigarillos instead
i was close, but no cigar
Went to the doctor today.
He wanted to know if the laxatives he prescribed worked. I told him it was close, but no cigar.
What's the best name for a cigarette company?
TOBA Co
Cigarettes
are a much cheaper and far more widely available alternative to nicotine patches.
What's Bill Clinton's favorite Pink Floyd jam?
Have a Cigar
My daughter ate a cigarette when she was a baby.
It was close but no cigar.
I came in second at a Monica Lewinsky look alike competition. . .
. . . the judge said I was close, but no cigar.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Cigarettes in the rain
Two old ladies were sitting out in front of a nursing home smoking, when all of the sudden it began to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a c**..., cut the tip off and slid it over her cigarette and continued smoking.
*Lady 2*: "What in the world is that?"
*Lady 1*: "A c**...."
*Lady 2*: "Where can I get one??"
*Lady 1*: "At the pharmacy!"
So the other old lady walks to the drug store, straight to the pharmacist.
*Lady*: "I'd like to buy some condoms please!"
*Pharmacist*: "There are many kinds, do you need anything in particular?"
*Lady*: "I don't care, as long as they'll fit on a Camel!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Sarah Palin is claiming she had a s**... relationship with Bill Clinton.
When asked, Clinton responded "Close, but no cigar."
What would Hillary tell Bill when she will sit at the Oval Office?
"Close, Bill, but no cigar!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I assassinated my friend...
I gave Miguel a cigar and lit the end. When it began to fizzle, he looked at me, puzzled.
"What brand of cigar does this?" he asked.
I answered, "Red Herring, of course."
And his chair exploded.
What do cigarettes and Jacob Sartorious have in common?
They both cause cancer
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Police nearly apprehended a drug dealer selling c**... in a tobacco store.
They were close, but no cigar.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So Trump walks into a bar...
and sees Bill having a drink. "Hey Bill catch me in the news lately? I'm a bigger pervert than you!" Bill chuckles as he goes back to his drink. "Close, but no cigar."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
American nuclear response time is around four minutes.
But eight minutes if you are using a cigar on a n**... intern.
Was President Obama as good in the Oval Office as was President Clinton?
I would say close, but no cigar.
I like my cigarettes like my Instagram.
\#nofilter
Why are cigarette taxes such a safe bet right now?
One way or the other, there's going to be a lot of smoking over the next four years.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the disappointed s**... get for Christmas?
Clothes but no cigar...
Cigarette warnings should also include how dangerous it is just going to purchase a package...
My dad left 19 years ago to buy some and he still hasn't made it back.
My cigarette packet
My cigarette packet has a warning printed on it: "Smoking seriously harms you and others around you."
I always try to laugh as I light up, just to protect myself.
Cigarettes are just like weasels...
Both are completely harmless until you put them in your mouth and set them on fire.
If I had a cigarette for every time I quit smoking...
I would not be jonesing so hard right now.
Groucho Marx is on TV, interviewing a woman with 14 children
— My god, that's a lot of children! How can you do this?
— I love my husband a lot…
— Lady, I love my cigar, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
69 is known as s**...'s position......
Girl smoke the cigar and guy cleans the ashtray.
I saw two cigarettes having a fight outside a shop earlier
They looked absolutely menthol
Why do cigarettes cost so much?
Because smokers keep coughing up money.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A salesman knocked on a suburban door...
...and was greeted by a nine-year-old boy puffing away on a long black cigar. Stunned for a brief moment, he managed to regain his composure and say "Good afternoon. Would your mother or father be home?" The boy took the cigar out of his mouth, flicked ashes onto the carpet, and replied "What the f*c**... do you think?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the cheap cigar say to the bag of w**...?
May I be blunt with you?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I like p**... symbolism as much as the next guy...
But sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
The cigarette store is 8 minutes from my house
Oh wait, it's not my house anymore
Cigarette packets says smoking kills so I stopped smoking them
I just smoke the ones that seriously damage health instead
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A cigarette after s**......
That's how I quit smoking.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"One cigarette each time you have s**..." was the doctor's prescription.
That's how I quit smoking.
My first cigarette was my last.
I've not changed brand since.
Cigarettes are like hamsters
Totally harmless, until you stick one in your mouth and set it on fire.
How many cigarettes did the rapper smoke each day?
2Pacs.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I had a dream my father was n**...
I had a dream last night that my father was chasing me around but n**... dressed as a cigar smoking pirate.
That's the last time a try lucid dream
Cigarettes are like rats
They are both harmless until you put it in your mouth and light it on fire
What do cigarettes and dogs with no legs have in common?
You take them both out for a drag
I just found out The Spice Girls were paid off by the tobacco industry to hide subliminal pro-smoking messages in their songs.
I couldn't believe it, so I put on one of their records, and it made me really really really want a cig or cigar.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call it when someone coerces you into smoking m**... rolled into a cigar and it mentally scars you?
Blunt force trauma
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why does the ashtray tell the truth everytime someone uses it to put out a cigar?
It likes big butts and it cannot lie
If you have two cigarettes in a boat and throw one overboard…
You have made the boat a cigarette lighter.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My friend is a s**... and decided to read about the health risks of smoking.
He went online and read about how smoking can lead to cancer, and other health risks.
A few days later I meet up with him and find him overjoyed and full of energy, so I asked him what did he do to become so healthy.
He tells me while lighting a cigar: "I quit reading."
A guy walks into a bar
... and orders a beer. "Hey, what happened to the smoke shop that used to be next door? the guy asks the bartender. "I thought I'd stop in and pick up some stuff and now its some sort of ladies apparel store." "Yep," the bartender replies. "Clothes, but no cigar."
