The Best 60 Cigar Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Cigar jokes. There are some cigar cigarette jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these cigar cig puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Cigar Jokes and Puns


I asked my grandmother for "something Cuban" for my birthday, and she had got me a Che Guevara shirt.

Clothes, but no cigar.

Can a cigar box?

No, but a tin can.

How near was the boy to his dad's tobacco stash before getting busted?

Close... but no cigar.

Cigar joke, How near was the boy to his dad's tobacco stash before getting busted?

Little Johnny and the Salesman

A salesman knocks on a door. A few seconds later the door opens. Little Johnny is standing there with a bourbon and Coke in one hand and lit cigar in the other hand.

The salesman looks at him for a second and then asks "Little boy, is your mommy here?"

Johnny flicks some cigar ash on the carpet, rubs it into the carpet with his shoe. Then he looks at the salesman and asks "What do you think?"

My friend went on holiday to Havana...

...and asked me what gift I would like him to get for me. I said get me "something Cuban", but he got me a Che Guevara t shirt.

Clothes, but no cigar.

First timer

Son comes back home at night
Dad is waiting for him and asks:
- where have u been so late!!??
- dad I just lost my virginity!
- ohh...I'm so proud of you... have a cigar, whiskey, sit down and tell me everything
- ok I'll take a cigar and whiskey but I won't sit down.


Some guy is smoking in an airport.

"How many cigarettes do you smoke daily, sir?"
"Did you know that if you collected all the money you spend on cigarettes and medications you could buy that plane?
"Well, do you smoke cigarettes?"
"No, sir"
"Do you own a plane?"
"Uhm. No..."
"Well, thanks for the advice. By the way that plane's mine."

Cigar joke, Cigarretes

I robbed a convenience store today, only to find out I accidentally grabbed the cigarillos instead

i was close, but no cigar

As told to me by my dad who smokes a lot

Did the disappointed smoker get everything he wanted for Christmas? Clothes but no cigar.

Went to the doctor today.

He wanted to know if the laxatives he prescribed worked. I told him it was close, but no cigar.

I just came second in a Fidel Castro lookalike contest.

Judge said I was close, but no cigar.

You can explore cigar sonny reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean cigar salesman dad jokes. There are also cigar puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

What's the best name for a cigarette company?


Why are cigars unhealthier than cigarettes?

Because they're fatter.

Who was the intern Bill Clinton smashed? Was it Paula Jones?

Close, but no cigar.

I came 2nd in a Fidel Castro look-a-like competition..

close but no cigar

I came in second at a Monica Lewinsky look alike competition. . .

. . . the judge said I was close, but no cigar.

Cigar joke, I came in second at a Monica Lewinsky look alike competition. . .

"I have 14 children, Groucho"

Woman: I have 14 children, Groucho .

Groucho: You have 14 children? Why do you have so many kids?

Woman: Because I love my husband .

Groucho: I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth every once in a while.

A chicken and an egg are laying in bed...

When the chicken sits up, lights a cigar and says " Well I guess that answers that question."

If you use a lighter on a cigar, a man will smoke for a day

If you use a lighter on a man, he'll smoke for the rest of his life.

a french girl married a texas guy..

After a while together, she is complaining:
- listen, John, when you kiss me with a chewing gum in your mouth, I can live with that, when you make love to me with your boots and hat on - i can bear with it, but please take your cigar out when we do 69!

What would Hillary tell Bill when she will sit at the Oval Office?

"Close, Bill, but no cigar!"

I assassinated my friend...

I gave Miguel a cigar and lit the end. When it began to fizzle, he looked at me, puzzled.

"What brand of cigar does this?" he asked.

I answered, "Red Herring, of course."

And his chair exploded.

Does Hilary's scandal compare to Bill's?

I'd say it's close, but no cigar.

A dog with a cowboy hat, spurs and a cigar limps in through the swinging doors of a saloon...

...He says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw"

What do cigarettes and Jacob Sartorious have in common?

They both cause cancer

Police nearly apprehended a drug dealer selling cocaine in a tobacco store.

They were close, but no cigar.

So Trump walks into a bar...

and sees Bill having a drink. "Hey Bill catch me in the news lately? I'm a bigger pervert than you!" Bill chuckles as he goes back to his drink. "Close, but no cigar."

American nuclear response time is around four minutes.

But eight minutes if you are using a cigar on a naked intern.

I like my cigarettes like my Instagram.


Vaping is pretty close to smoking.

It's close, but no cigar.

What did the disappointed smoker get for Christmas?

Clothes but no cigar...

Cigarette warnings should also include how dangerous it is just going to purchase a package...

My dad left 19 years ago to buy some and he still hasn't made it back.

Cigarettes on a boat.

Three sailors are on a boat. They have four cigarettes and feel the sudden urge to smoke, but the problem is they don't have a lighter. How do they smoke?

They toss one of the cigarettes into the ocean to make the boat a cigarette lighter.

Cigarettes are just like squirrels.

They aren't dangerous until you stick one in your mouth and light it on fire.

Cigarettes are just like weasels...

Both are completely harmless until you put them in your mouth and set them on fire.

Groucho Marx is on TV, interviewing a woman with 14 children

— My god, that's a lot of children! How can you do this?

— I love my husband a lot…

— Lady, I love my cigar, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while!

69 is known as smoker's position......

Girl smoke the cigar and guy cleans the ashtray.

I saw two cigarettes having a fight outside a shop earlier

They looked absolutely menthol

I asked my parents for something Cuban. They got me a Che Guevara t-shirt.

Clothes, but no cigar

Why do cigarettes cost so much?

Because smokers keep coughing up money.

If the opposite of bachelor is bachelorette, what's the opposite of cigar?

Living to see your grandchildren.

A cigarette is safer than a bottle of wine.

If you don't believe me, let me hit you on the head with a cigarette.

Hillary was asked if Weinstein's behavior compared to that of her husband's.

She said "Close, but no cigar."

A salesman knocked on a suburban door...

...and was greeted by a nine-year-old boy puffing away on a long black cigar. Stunned for a brief moment, he managed to regain his composure and say "Good afternoon. Would your mother or father be home?" The boy took the cigar out of his mouth, flicked ashes onto the carpet, and replied "What the f*ck do you think?"

My buddy took some amazing pictures of himself with a cigar, hanging out in a funhouse.

When I asked him how he did it, he said "It's all Smoke and Mirrors".

A man travelling through Arizona stops at a small town and goes into a bar

He stands at the end of the bar and lights up a cigar. As he sips his drink, he stands there quietly blowing smoke rings.

After he's blown nine or ten smoke rings, an angry Indian comes up to him and says, "Listen buddy, if you don't stop calling me names, I'll smash your face in!"

What did the cheap cigar say to the bag of weed?

May I be blunt with you?

Cigarettes are dangerous

My dad went out for some 17 years ago and he never came back.

Cigarette packets says smoking kills so I stopped smoking them

I just smoke the ones that seriously damage health instead

A cigarette after sex...

That's how I quit smoking.

"One cigarette each time you have sex" was the doctor's prescription.

That's how I quit smoking.

You know, cigarettes are a lot like Hamsters, Perfectly Harmless....

That is unless, of course, you put it in your mouth and light it on fire.

Cigarettes are like hamsters

Totally harmless, until you stick one in your mouth and set it on fire.

How many cigarettes did the rapper smoke each day?


I was meeting a friend at a smoke shop and accidentally went into the dry cleaners next door...

Clothes, but no cigar.

I had a dream my father was naked

I had a dream last night that my father was chasing me around but naked dressed as a cigar smoking pirate.

That's the last time a try lucid dream

Cigars are most ecological product in world.

It kills pollution directly from source.

Cigarettes are like rats

They are both harmless until you put it in your mouth and light it on fire

What do cigarettes and dogs with no legs have in common?

You take them both out for a drag

I just found out The Spice Girls were paid off by the tobacco industry to hide subliminal pro-smoking messages in their songs.

I couldn't believe it, so I put on one of their records, and it made me really really really want a cig or cigar.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the cigar smoke jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working cigar brandy piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes