cider Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious cider puns

A law student walks into the bar and orders a beer.

"Um, we dont serve beer".

Slightly miffed, the law student says, "pint of cider then?"

"Yeah, we dont have any cider either".

"Well, you must at least have a glass of fucking wine?" asks the law student, infuriated.

"No sir, we don't. Now please take your seat, the bar exam starts in one minute".

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I told my wife I like my apples like I like my penis

In cider

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How do you get an apple pregnant?

You cum in cider.

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What's a sluts favourite drink?

7 Up in Cider

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What's a porn stars favorite drink?

7up in cider

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What is a pornstars favorite drink?

7 up n cider

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Why did the prostitute get angry after having sex in an apple orchard?

Because her client came in cider.

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An 8 year old girl cuts her hand on a thorn...

...and rushes inside shouting "Mommy, Mommy! I've cut my hand on a thorn! Can you get me some cider?"

Confused, her mother says "You're 8 years old, you're not having any cider."

"But Mommy, I've cut my hand on a thorn! I need to soak it in a bowl of cider!"

Laughing, her mother says "Why cider?"

"Because the other day I overheard big sis saying that when she gets a big prick in her hand she can't wait to get it in cider!"

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What's the difference between cider and apple juice?

My wife doesn't let me cum in apple juice :-(

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What's the difference between apple juice and apple cider?

Your sister doesn't care if you cum in juice but she won't let you cum in cider.

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Did somebody say limerick? (NSFW)

There once was a man from Bombay

Who fashioned a cunt out of clay

But the heat of his prick

Turned it into a brick

And it chafed all his foreskin away.

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(Can't take credit for that - I read it in a John Irving novel. *The Cider House Rules*, I believe.)

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Porn stars' favorite drink?

7-Up 'n cider.

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The Apple Doesn't Fall Far From The Tree

Son: "Dad where did I come from?"

Dad: "One day your mother and I were walking through an apple orchard..."

Son *rolls eyes*: "And you grabbed an apple not far from a tr..."


Dad: "I slipped in cider."

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A small boy gets a splinter in his finger....

A small boy gets a splinter in his finger and goes running to his parents and demands a glass of cider. After a while they give in and give the boy the cider. He puts his finger in but he cries as it hurts and doesn't get rid of the splinter. Curious his parents asks him why he did that and he said I overheard my big sister talking to her friend the other day and she said whenever she gets a prick in her hand she cant wait to put it in cider

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A little girl came running into the house crying...

A little girl came running into the house crying and miserable from a small cut she just received. She asked her mom for a glass of cider. "Why do you want cider? " asked Mom. "To take the pain away," sobbed the little girl. Tired of all the tears, Mom poured her a glass. The little girl immediately put her hand into the drink. "It doesn't work! " she yelled. "What do you mean? " asked Mom. "Well," sniffed the little girl, "I overheard my sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider. "

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I had sex with a girl in an apple orchard,

I came in cider.

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What's better than being up to your knees in beer?

Being up to your nuts in cider.

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When I'm having sex with a woman I prefer to do it atop a pile of fermented apples…

I just love the feeling of being in cider.

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How do you get alcohol pregnant?

Put your dick in cider.

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Today I slept with a girl in an apple orchard...

She let me come in cider

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What's an adult actress' favourite drink?

7-Up in Cider.

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Why did the chicken cross the apple orchard?

To get to the other cider heheheh

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I had sex in an orchard today.

I came in cider.

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Little Johnny gets a splinter

Not mine, heard it years back. I hope it hasn't been posted in some time.


One day little Johnny is climbing a tree in his backyard when he gets a splinter. Moving as fast as he can, he runs into the house screaming for his mother.


"Mommy! Mommy! Help! Help! I need cider, quick!"


Confused, his mother stops helping his sister Lisa with her homework and asks him what he's going on about. Johnny explains that he has a splinter and he needs cider for his finger to heal.


Confused his mother asks him where he got such a strange idea from and Johnny explains, "Well, Lisa told me that when ever she gets a prick in her hand she has to put it in cider".

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My girlfriend gets mad at me when I'm having a beer and can't finish...

So last night I came in cider.

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How do you know when you've fucked an apple?

When you're in cider

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My wife got a prick in her hand while sewing.

"Stick it in cider," I said.

"What good'll that do?"

"I dunno, but there's this woman at work who says every time she gets a prick in her hand she sticks it in cider."

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What do you call a spy that sell apples?

An in cider

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What's a hooker's favorite drink?

7-up in cider.

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Local Apple grower was sent to federal prison this week...

In cider trading.

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I had sex with a girl at an apple orchid and she ended up getting pregnant...

It's probably because I came in cider.

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What is the difference between beer and cider?

I never had to buy Plan B after cumming in beer.

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Whats a porn star's favorite drink?

Dixon Cider

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I was getting drunk with this cute girl and booze was going everywhere.

Then suddenly I slipped in cider.

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What's a hookers favorite drink?

7 Up in cider

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What are the most funny Cider jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Cider? Well, here are the best Cider dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Cider pick up lines to share with friends.

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