Churchills Jokes
26 churchills jokes and hilarious churchills puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about churchills that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Churchills Short Jokes
Short churchills jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The churchills humour may include short jokes also.
- Not to insult any history purists but... Why did Winston Churchill trade his manual for an automatic?
He hated stall'in. - My friend came second in a Winston Churchill lookalike competition He was close, but no cigar
- Original & Classic Winston Churchill (not my retort) Lady Astor said to Churchill, "If you were my husband, I'd poison your tea," to which he responded, "Madam, if you were my wife, I'd drink it!"
- "As long as you append my name to a quote,... people would buy into it and take it seriously."
- Winston Churchill - If Britain lost the second World War... Would the Prime Minister be known as Loseton Churchill?
- Winston Churchill said, "History will be kind me, for I intend to write it." Nowadays, history will be kind to me because I intend to delete it.
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Churchills One Liners
Which churchills one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with churchills? I can suggest the ones about and .
- I decided to name the lettuce that outlasted Liz Truss Wiltin' Churchill
- The man chilled in front of a church smoking cigarettes, who was he? Winston Churchill
- What do you call a sick s**... attending the catholic mass ? Winston™ Church-ill
- Why didn't Churchill tie his shoes? Because he hated those little n**...
Churchills Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about churchills you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make churchills pranks.
Can you call the British PM a fool?
During WW II, a man was arrested in London for calling Winston Churchill a fool.
The next day in the House of Commons, the opposition members were ready to roast the government for this. "Are we living in a police state", they shouted, "where we cannot call the PM a fool"?
Churchill's reply was truly disarming - "The man was not arrested for calling the Prime Minister a fool", he said, "but for letting out a state secret at a time of war".
Winston Churchill was dining in fine company, and when asked what piece of chicken he wanted, he requested a breast. A lady upbraided him, saying, "Mr. Churchill, in polite society we ask for white meat or dark."
The next day Churchill sent her a corsage, instructing the lady to affix it to her "white meat."
Roosevelt, Churchill and Stalin are taking a coffee break in Yalta...
Churchill takes out a small black notebook and starts writing something down.
"Taking notes?", Roosevelt asks.
"No," Churchill says, "I heard a new political joke about myself this morning. I collect all jokes about myself. I already have over 100 in this notebook."
"How funny," Stalin says. "I collect all jokes about myself too."
"Oh, really?" Churchill says. "So how many have you got?"
"Three prison camps so far."
Roosevelt, Churchill, and Stalin, meet on a skyscraper
Roosevelt, Churchill, and Stalin want to prove that their generals have a larger sense of duty and tenacity compared to the other nations' soldiers. So they all meet on top of a skyscraper.
Roosevelt goes first, and orders his finest general to jump off the ledge, stating that it was for God and country. The general, states " Sir, you are the greatest president this country has seen, but I cannot jump over the ledge, I have a family to think of!"
Churchill goes second, and orders his finest general to jump off the ledge, stating that it was for God and country. The general, states " Sir, you are the greatest prime minister and have bravely led us through hell and back, but I cannot jump over the ledge, I have a family to think of!"
Stalin goes last, and orders his finest general to jump off the ledge, stating that it was for the greater good of the Soviet state. The general immediately jumps off the ledge, and is caught by a net a few stories down, where he is met by the three leaders.
Roosevelt and Churchill ask the Soviet general, "Why'd you jump?" The soldier grimly replies: "I have a family to think of."
During 1900 when looking for a vote, Churchill asked a person for his support, to which the man responded:
"Vote for you? I'd rather vote for the devil."
Churchill replied: "I quite understand, but since that man is not running this time, could I count on your support?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Paraprosdokians
*A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. Some paraprosdokians not only change the meaning of an early phrase, but they also play on the double meaning of a particular word, creating a form of syllepsis.*
Where there's a will ... I want to be in it.
I like going to the park and watching the children run around ... because they don't know I'm using blanks. (Emo Philips)
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
You can always count on the Americans to do the right thing ... after they have tried everything else. (Winston Churchill)
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' ... I put 'DOCTOR'.
If I am reading this graph correctly ... I'd be very surprised. (Stephen Colbert)
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
I don't belong to an organized political party. I'm a Democrat. (Will Rogers)
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. (Groucho Marx)
You're never too old to learn ...something s**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"Never, never, never give up."
Thanks Winston Churchill. I now have 8 counts of r**... and battery.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A secretary walks into Churchill's office
"Mr. Churchhill you are drunk!"
he replies:
"And you are ugly, but tomorrow i will be sober."
Churchill: Madam, would you sleep with me for £1 million?
Woman: Why Winston, yes I would.
Churchill: What about £10?
Woman: What sort of woman do you think I am?
Churchill: We have already established what sort of woman you are, now we are just negotiating the price.
The leaders of the Big Three after the conference in Yalta
After WW2 in 1945 the leaders of the Big Three(USA, UK and the Soviet Union) respectively Roosevelt, Churchill and Stalin met in Yalta for a conference to decide the fate of the world.
After the conference they wanted to have some fun. They decided to try and make the Persian cat in the residence to eat mustard.
Churchill started first. He took a silver spoon with some mustard and tried his best to feed the cat but failed.
-You british people don't understand, it should be done with democracy - said Roosevelt.
He took some chicken and put some mustard on it. The cat sniffed for a moment but walked away with no interest in the food he offered.
Without any hesitation Stalin took the cat and started to spread mustard on the fluffy tail. The cat started meowing loudly and lickеd the tail to wash out the mustard. Meowed and licked, meowed and licked... Then Stalin said wisely:
-That's how we do everything in our country, voluntarily and with a song.
Stalin, Churchill, and Roosevelt are at the Yalta Conference.
Stalin sees that Churchill is constantly writing something in his notebook. Curious, he asks:
"Winston, what are you writing in that notebook?"
"Oh, that's where I write jokes about me. Whenever I hear a joke where I'm mentioned by my name, I write it down. I'm on my second notebook."
"You know, I collect jokes about myself too" says Stalin.
"And how many jokes do you have about yourself?" asks Churchill.
"About three prison camps' worth" replies Stalin.
High Urinals
High Urinals
A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon) - but mostly to see the horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinals.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, helping them to hold on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.' 'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'