Church Pew Jokes
80 church pew jokes and hilarious church pew puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about church pew that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Church Pew Short Jokes
Short church pew jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The church pew humour may include short church offering jokes also.
- I want a gun that shoots wooden benches. I'd walk into a church with no seating and be like: *pew pew pew. pew pew. pew pew pew*
- A man accidentally sharted in church last week, everyone moved away from him. He had to sit on his own pew.
- My local church went bankrupt and someone turned it into a gun range. The community didn't like it, but it already had pew pew pews.
- What sound does a gun made from church seating make? Pew Pew..
Sorry. Just became a father 2 years ago. I have some catching up to do. - If the 2nd Amendment were a religion, what kind of chairs would their churches have? Pew pews.
- What's the difference between a church and a mosque? In a church you see pew, pew pew.
In a mosque you hear pew pew pew. - A man armed with lazer guns shot up a church... ...people went running pew after pew.
- In Texas, going to a chili cook-off is an acceptable alternative to church Either way you end up sitting in a pew
- What did the laser say when it entered the church? Pew pew pew!
- One day a skunk and an opossum go to church. They had to sit in their own pew.
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Church Pew One Liners
Which church pew one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with church pew? I can suggest the ones about church holy and church choir.
- What is the most dangerous part of a church? The pews.
- What does a church shooting sound like? Pew! Pew!
- What do you get when you cross a church with a laser tag arena? Pew! Pew! Pew!
- How is a church like a laser gun? Pew! Pew! Pew!
- How is a Stormtrooper like an empty church? Both of their Pews are missing people
- What does it sound like when two churches fight? Pew Pew PEWPEWPEW!!!
- Why do Storm Troopers like churchs? Cuz of all the pews.
I hate myself - Have you heard about the skunk who went to church? He had his own pew.
- How is a church like an old video game? Pew-pew! Pew! Pew-pew-pew!
- Ancient Chinese proverb says Man who farts in church, sits in his own pew.
- What did the young boy shout in the church while pointing finger guns? pew pew pew
- What sounds do lasers make in a church? Pew pew pew!
- What sound does a gun make in church? Pew pew pew
- Did you hear about the skunk that went to church? He sat in his own p-ew
- Little known fact: Most Star Wars' space fights filmed in a church Pew Pew Pew
Church Pew Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about church pew you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean church elder jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make church pew pranks.
During an impassioned sermon about death and final judgement, the pastor said forcefully, "Each member of this church is going to die and face judgement." Glancing down at the front pew, he noticed a man with a big smile on his face. The minister repeated his point louder. "Each member of this church is going to die and face judgement!" The man nodded and smiled even more. This really got the preacher wound up. He pounded the pulpit emphatically when he came to the ultimatum: "Each member of this church is going to die and face judgement!!!" Though everyone else in the congregation was looking somber, the man in front continued to smile. Finally the preacher stepped off the platform, stood in front of the man and shouted, "I said each member of this church is going to die!" The man grinned from ear to ear. After the service was over, the preacher made a beeline for the man. "I don't get it," the preacher said in frustration. "Whenever I said, 'Each member of this church is going to die,' your smile got bigger. Why?" "I'm not a member of this church," the man replied.
During an impassioned sermon about death and final judgement, the pastor said forcefully, "Each member of this church is going to die and face judgement." Glancing down at the front pew, he noticed a man with a big smile on his face. The minister repeated his point louder. "Each member of this church is going to die and face judgement!" The man nodded and smiled even more. This really got the preacher wound up. He pounded the pulpit emphatically when he came to the ultimatum: "Each member of this church is going to die and face judgement!!!" Though everyone else in the congregation was looking somber, the man in front continued to smile. Finally the preacher stepped off the platform, stood in front of the man and shouted, "I said each member of this church is going to die!" The man grinned from ear to ear. After the service was over, the preacher made a beeline for the man. "I don't get it," the preacher said in frustration. "Whenever I said, 'Each member of this church is going to die,' your smile got bigger. Why?" "I'm not a member of this church," the man replied.
During an impassioned sermon about death and final judgement, the pastor said forcefully, "Each member of this church is going to die and face judgement." Glancing down at the front pew, he noticed a man with a big smile on his face. The minister repeated his point louder. "Each member of this church is going to die and face judgement!" The man nodded and smiled even more. This really got the preacher wound up. He pounded the pulpit emphatically when he came to the ultimatum: "Each member of this church is going to die and face judgement!!!" Though everyone else in the congregation was looking somber, the man in front continued to smile. Finally the preacher stepped off the platform, stood in front of the man and shouted, "I said each member of this church is going to die!" The man grinned from ear to ear. After the service was over, the preacher made a beeline for the man. "I don't get it," the preacher said in frustration. "Whenever I said, 'Each member of this church is going to die,' your smile got bigger. Why?" "I'm not a member of this church," the man replied.
Satan in Church!
A few minutes before the church services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute." returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity??" persisted Satan.
"Yep." was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?!" asked Satan.
"Nope."
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me? "
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
An Irish boys confession
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose Woman."
The Priest asks, "Is that you, little Timmy Shaughnessy?" "Yes, Father, it is. "
"And, who was the woman you were with," asked the Priest. "
"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Timmy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Sheilah O'Brien?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Kathleen Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed. "
"Was it Fiona Grogan, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The Priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast Lad, Timmy ...And, I admire that. But, you have sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend Church Mass for three months. Be off with you now. "
Timmy walks back to his pew. His Friend, Sean, slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Three month's vacation and five good leads."
Overcrowded church
The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.
One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.
The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"
Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.
After a few moments, there were only three people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.
The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."
Confucius say, man who f**... in church.
Sit in own pew.
A kid goes to church to confess...
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."
A catholic schoolgirl goes to church for confession...
When she gets to the church, she notices that the confessional is occupied, so she sits down in a nearby pew. A short time later, the confessional door opens, and her best friend exits. The friend sits next to the girl, who asks her, "So... what did you confess to?"
"I told Father Murphy I gave my boyfriend a h**... in the back seat of the car. He told me to say ten Hail Marys and wash my hands in the font of holy water."
The first girl winces and says, "Well, you might want to wait. When I'm finished confessing, I'm probably going to have to gargle in it."
A guy shows up at work Monday Morning with two black eyes...
"What happened to you?" asked his concerned co-workers.
"Well, I was in church, minding my own business and this beautiful women, in a slightly inappropriately tight dress sat in the pew in front of me. When everyone stood up, her dress got caught in between her cheeks. I figured she didn't want that there, so I reached up and pulled it out. She turned around a landed me with a left hook!"
Oh, no... everyone stood around in shock, "but wait" one co-worker asks, "that explains ONE black eye, but what about the other black eye?"
"Well, after coming back from communion, the same thing happened, her dress got caught between her cheeks."
"Didn't you learn your lesson?" they asked.
"I DID! But the guy standing NEXT to me reached up to pull the dress out from between her cheeks..."
"SO..." They all asked in unison... "Well, I knew she didn't like that, so I jammed her dress back in between her cheeks and that's when she landed a right hook!"
What do churches and guns have in common?
They both go PEW PEW PEW
What sound did the gun make when that guy shot up the church?
Pew pew.
What does a laser in a church sound like?
Pew pew pew!
Whenever I'm in church I always think of laser blasters
Pew! Pew! Pew!
My sister said to me: Where do Tie Fighters sit in church?
In the *pew*.
Wise man say...
Man who passes gas in church sits in own pew.
What happened to the guy who f**... in church?
He sat in his own pew.
I don't recommend eating kidney beans the night before church...
...I've been sitting in my own pew all morning.
When I went to church today I f**...
So I sat in pew
What sounds do guns make in church?
Pew pew pew!
A Weapon Of Mass Destruction...
A cabbage and beer f**..., with a couple of boiled eggs thrown in, in the second pew at the 10:00 service at St. Agnes of the Holy Water Church...
What smells really bad at church?
The pews
THE LORD TRIED!
A church was flooded out and as the preacher stood on the pews, parishioners came by in a boat. "No thanks" the preacher said, "I'll put my faith in the Lord."
As waters rose, the preacher climbed on the roof of the church. When the boat passed by again the preacher said "No thanks, I'll put my faith in the Lord."
The waters rose and as the preacher clung to the steeple he refused a helicopter stating, "No thanks, I'll put my faith in the Lord."
The preacher drowned and when he met the Lord he said, "Lord why did you forsake me?" The Lord said, "What are you talking about? I sent you two boats and a helicopter"!!!
What did Dylann Roof say when he arrived at church?
PEW PEW PEW
Ever notice how the dmv's seats are set up like pews kind of like in a church?
It's because most people are praying to get out of there.
[OC] What did Han Solo day when he walked into a church?
Pew pew pew pew pew pew pew pew!
What happens when you shart in church?
They make you sit in your own pew.
What do church and Star Wars blasters have in common?
They both go "Pew pew pew!"
My father was the rector for a local church. He was responsible for making sure all the doors were locked, and for putting away the benches after services.
He really had to mind his keys and pews.
Where does a laser gun sit in church?
On a pew pew
I sharted at church today... [OC]
And let me tell ya... it feels awful sitting in your own pew.
Didja hear about the skunk that went to church?
They made him sit in his own pew.
A man is asked to speak at his best friend's f**....
He walks up to the front of the church and stands in front of the casket. Overcome with emotion, he pauses, and then says, "Plethora . . . plethora." After that he goes back into the pews and sits next to the deceased man's widow. She leans over and says to the guy, "Thanks. That means a lot."
What do you get when you lay a f**... in church?
You get to sit in your own pew.
What did the Storm Trooper say when he f**... in church?
"Pew, pew."
On Sunday, I f**... in church
I had to sit in my own pew
If you f**... in church...
You'll have to sit in your own pew
A small church was raising funds for a new piano. On Sunday the pastor said Whoever gives the most money today for the offering can pick out 3 hymns.
So they passed the offering plate around and the pastor sees a $100 bill in the plate.
He said Looks like we have a winner! Whoever gave the $100 bill can come to the front and select 3 hymns.
An 80 year old lady slowly got up, walked to the front, and pointed her finger into the pews…
I'll take him, him, and him!
Confucius say: Man who f**... in church...
Confucius say:
Man who f**... in church, sit in his own pew.
What happens if you f**... in church?
You have to sit in your own pew.