Church Offering Jokes

The head of KFC called the Pope

He said, "I'll give you a million dollars to change the Lord's prayer to give us our daily chicken."
The Pope said no and hung up.
kfc called back and offered 10 million.
The Pope said no and hung up.
KFC called back and offered 100 million.
The Pope said, "You have a deal!"
The Pope got all the churches big wigs together and said, "I have good news and bad news. Good news is, we are 100 million richer. Bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account.

Nescafe and the Pope

Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.
After receiving the Papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers,
"Your Eminence, we have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to
donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from
'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily
coffee."
The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the
Lord. It must not be changed."
"Well," said the Nescafe man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For
this reason we will increase our offer to $300 million."
"My son, it is impossible, for the prayer is the word of the Lord and
it must not be changed."
The Nescafe guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your
adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer.... We will
donate $500 million - that's half a billion dollars - to the great
Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give
us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.'
Please consider it."
And he leaves.
The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.
"There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news.The good
news is that the Church will come into $500 million.'"
"And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.
"We're losing the Wonder-Bread account."

A Kentucky Fried Chicken lobbyist meets with the Pope.

He offers a donation of ten million dollars to the church if the Pope agrees to change the words in the Lord's Prayer from give us this day our daily bread to give us this day our daily chicken
The Pope apologizes and says he is not interested.
100 million dollars , says the KFC rep.
Again the Pope shakes his head and explains that these words are sacred.
One billion dollars. This is our final offer.
After some consideration of the sum of the donation that the church is about to receive, the Pope reluctantly agrees to the deal. He then returned to the Vatican and called a meeting of all the Cardinals.
I have good news and bad news, the Pontiff said. The good news is, I have managed to secure a donation of one billion dollars to our church. The bad news is, we've lost the Wonder Bread account.

A Religious Joke From a Non-Religious Reditor

A flood occurs in a small town. A man climbs on top of his house to avoid the rising waters. A boat sails up to the house and offers the stranded man a ride. The man refuses saying, "No thanks, God will save me," and the boat leaves.
Then, a large ship comes along and offers the man help. Once more, the man says, "No thank you, I am waiting for God to help me," and the ship leaves.
Finally a helicopter flies overhead and offers to give the man a lift, and, one last time, the man passes, replying, "The good Lord will surely rescue me," and the chopper flies away.
Eventually the man drowns when the flood waters rise above his roof.
Once in heaven the man asks God, "What was up with that? Why'd you leave me hanging like that? Why didn't you save me? I was good, I went to church, I confessed all my sins, and followed the bible, why wasn't I rescued?"
God replies,"What are you talking about? I sent two boats and a helicopter!"

Gay Man in Church

So, a gay man goes to church one Sunday. As the offering basket is passed, he drops in a big w**... of bills. When the basket gets back to the minister, he notices the w**... of money and announces: "Someone here was very generous in the offering today. I would like to ask the person who gave this large amount of money to please stand." The gay man stood up. The minister continued, "Well, sir, we certainly do appreciate your generosity. And to show our appreciation, I'm going to let you select your three favorite hymns."
"Okay," the gay man replied, "I'll take him, him and him!"

Three Pastors and their secret problems...

Three pastors met and agreed to sincerely tell each other their problems which must be kept a secret between the three of them. The first pastor said; my problem is money l do steal even from the church offering. Please pray for me. The second pastor; mine is women. Whenever l see any woman my desire will be to go to bed with her, in fact l have slept with most of the church (female) members. Turning to the third pastor to hear his problem he started crying (it took his friends some effort to calm him). When they asked him to continue, he was still crying, he said my problem is gossiping, when we leave this place everybody will hear all what the two of you have just told me. Please pray for me! The two pastors fainted.

"Go forth and seek, further up, thy you will find glory"

A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg instead of gear.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun smiled and once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the grip is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, ''Go forth and seek, further up,thy you will find glory''

The Best Toast of the Night

Patrick O'Reilly hoisted his beer at his regular pub and offered the following toast: "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me lovely wife!"
That won him top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and proudly told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
"Aye, did ye now," said Mary. "And what was your toast?"
Thinking quickly, Patrick said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, Patrick!" said Mary.
The next day, Mary ran into one of Patrick's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "Patrick won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
"Aye, he told me," said Mary, "and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he'd only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

A charismatic preacher...

A charismatic preacher at a church invited any members of his flock who had problems to come forward so that prayers could be offered on their behalf. One rather scruffy, down at heel young man approached the pulpit and upon being asked the nature of his problem said, It's my hearing. The preacher then led the congregation in prayer asking for divine intervention to ease this poor man's affliction, accompanied by a chorus of praise the Lords, and Hallelujahs. Following this mass intervention the preacher asked the young man, How's your hearing now? to which he replied, It's not on 'till next Thursday.

The Pope's Coffee - From my grandfather

Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the pope at the Vatican .
After receiving the papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers, "Your Eminence, we have an offer for you.
Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.'"
The pope responds, "That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the Lord. It must not be changed."
"Well," says the Nescafe man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason we will increase our offer to $300 million."
"My son, it is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord, and it must not be changed."
The Nescafe guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer... We will donate $500 million - that's half a billion dollars - to the great Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.' Please consider it."
And he leaves.
The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.
"There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news. The good news is that the Church will come into $500 million."
"And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.
"We're losing the Wonderbread account."

A cowboy walks into a bar...

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

The Vet

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the
next week!
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"
The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very
successful; what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
The woman answered proudly,
"In Nevada... He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas and one in Reno."

A Priest Offers a Nun a Lift..

She gets in and crosses her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg and nearly causing the priest to have an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, Father, remember Psalm 129?
The priest removed his hand. But,changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, Father, remember Psalm 129?
The priest apologized Sorry sister but the flesh is weak. Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity

priest gives a nun a lift.

a priest offers a nun a ride, she gets into his car and crosses her legs. her gown lifts enough for her legs to show. he nearly has an accident while looking at her legs. after controlling the car he stealthily slides his hand up her leg and the nun says "father, dont remember psalm 129?". the priest removes his hand and continues to drive, he shifts gears and his hand bumps into her leg again and he begins to slide his hand up her leg again. the nun repeats again "father, don't you remember psalm 129?". the priest apologizes saying "sorry sister, the flesh is weak". arriving at the church the priest gets out and goes into his office, he picks up his bible and looks up psalm 129 not remembering it entirely.
the first line was "go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory". 

Remembering Brothers

A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of brew and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it so it would taste better if you bought just one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin and I'm in Texas. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we were together. So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders only two mugs! All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.......
"It's just that my wife and I joined the m**... Church and obviously I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though."

A priest offered a Nun a lift...

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg...
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Charlie was responsible for taking up the offerings at a local church.
One Sunday, after the service, the priest counted the money and found there was less than anticipated, given the size of the congregation. He took Charlie aside and questioned him.
Charlie said that he did not take any of the offerings.
The priest questioned him again and again and Charlie continued to insist that he did not take any of the offerings.
So, the priest told Charlie to get into the confessional, which he did.
The priest then asked him again, "Charlie, did you take any of the offering?"
This time, Charlie replied, "I can’t hear you."
The priest asked Charlie the same question several times and Charlie would always reply, "I can’t hear you."
Finally, the priest yelled, "Charlie, did you take any of the offering?"
Again, the reply was, "I can’t hear you."
The priest was now beginning to get angry, so he came out of the confessional and said to Charlie, "Trade places with me and you can ask me a question."
So, they traded places and Charlie asked, "Is it true that you and my wife are having an affair?"
To which the priest replied, "By golly, you’re right, you can’t hear in here!"

A m**... Family, one Monday evening, sat around the fire place and was discussing Church Finances, that included paying Tithing to the Bishop.
Their little five year old boy heard this, than ran to his bedroom, grabbed his piggy bank, went to the m**... Bishop's home and poured the contents of the piggy bank onto the Bishop's desk.
The Bishop asked, "Is this your tithing?" the little boy said, "No Bishop."
The Bishop than asked him, "Is this your Fast Offering?"
The little boy again said, "No Bishop."
The m**... Bishop had a puzzeled look about him, and than asked, "If this is not your tithing or not your Fast Offering, than What is it?"
The little boy said, "It's for you, Bishop, Mommy and Daddy just told me that you are the poorest Bishop that we have had."