Church Jokes

182 church jokes and hilarious church puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about church that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Looking for a good laugh? Check out our collection of Church jokes. From clever one-liners to funny stories, we've got plenty of material to keep you entertained.

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Funniest Church Short Jokes

Short church jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The church humour may include short religious jokes also.

  1. An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, "I've let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?" The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."
  2. What's the difference between a casino and a church? You actually mean it when you pray at a casino.
  3. Why don't churches have Wi-Fi? They don't want to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
  4. "Jesus loves you" is a wonderful thing to hear in church. But a horrible thing to hear in a mexican prison.
  5. I'm not sure churches are the best places for PokèStops... a priest just asked me in and offered me a Slowpoke
  6. Wife asks: Why are you watching our wedding video backwards? — I like the part when I take the ring off your finger, leave church and go to the bar with friends.
  7. Why is free Wi-Fi never seen in churches? Because no church wants to be challenged by an invisible power that actually works.
  8. Today in church they asked what a Bishop does Apparently move diagonally wasn't the answer they were looking for.
  9. Watching my wedding video in reverse brought tear to my eyes I took off her wedding ring, returned her to her dad, and moonwalked my way out of the church.
  10. A Higgs Boson walks into a Catholic church The Priest says " you can't be here!". The particle replies "you can't have mass without me

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Church One Liners

Which church one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with church? I can suggest the ones about bishop and cathedral.

  1. Why did the chicken cross the road? To take a photo in front of a church.
  2. What do you call batman when he skips church? Christian Bale
  3. What do u call a book club that has been stuck on the same book for years? Church
  4. What does a church in Helsinki have in common with Mortal Kombat? Finnish Hymn!!
  5. What do you call a book club that's been stuck on only one book for years? The Church
  6. Why are there so many old people in Church? They're cramming for the final
  7. What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years? Church
  8. Found some money in a church yard. Thought what would Jesus do… So I turned it into wine.
  9. Are Christian's allowed to sing eminem in church? Or do their Psalms get sweaty?
  10. Why do people say amen instead of awomen at church? Because they sing hymns, not hers.
  11. What happens when you make a noise in Ninja Church? The nun chucks you out.
  12. What is the most dangerous part of a church? The pews.
  13. What's it called when Batman ditches church? Christian bail.
  14. A guy using Apple map walks into a bar ...or maybe a hospital....or possibly a church
  15. Jesus loves you is a great thing to hear in church. But an awful thing to hear in prison.

Catholic Church Jokes

Here is a list of funny catholic church jokes and even better catholic church puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • The Catholic Church absolutely agrees on homosexuals getting married... ... As long as a gay marries a lesbian.
  • My cousin is so poor.... that when she couldn't afford pay the Catholic church for her exorcism, they repossessed her.
  • A Higgs boson walks into a Catholic church... The priest says, "Hey hey hey, you're not allowed here."
    The Higgs boson says, "But without me, there would be no mass."
  • At the box office this weekend Predator took first place and The Nun took second. Coincidently, that's how the Catholic Church ranks it's priorities.
  • What time is bed time at the Catholic church? When the big hand touches the little hand!
  • Catholicism has 1.2 billion followers around the globe, second only to Islam with 1.8 billion But that's okay because the Catholic church doesn't mind coming in a little behind.
  • What does the head of the Catholic Church used to buy goods online? Papal
  • A Higgs boson walks into a Catholic church.. Priest: "I'm sorry we don't allow Higgs bosons in here."
    Higgs boson: "oh I'm sorry, but without me you can't have mass."
  • The Catholic Church is against gay marriage because it is unnatural... Well, walking on water is not very natural too...
  • Why does the Catholic Church have so much money? Because Jesus saves.

Church Pastor Jokes

Here is a list of funny church pastor jokes and even better church pastor puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • The pastor asked a little girl why one should remain quiet in church The little girl replied 'because everyone is sleeping.'
  • Did you know Metallica has a new album about the leader of Kermit's church? It's called Pastor of Muppets
  • A Higgs Boson particle walks into a church... "You can't be here" says the pastor
    The Higgs Boson particle responds
    "But with out me, how can you have mass?!"
  • 'Wow Pastor, what a beautiful church'. 'Indeed, it's Norman'. 'Wow Norman, what a beautiful church'.
  • All these mega church pastors in the news getting caught with gay prostitutes is appalling And has really lowered my opinion of male prostitutes.
  • Why couldn't the cow start a church? He wasn't pastorized
  • When I was a young boy I tried to get the leader of our church to touch me inappropriately during confession so that I could sue him... But he just told me to stop pastor baiting.
  • Q: Who did little Johnny see when he snuck into the church late one night?
    A: Pastor Bedtime.
  • There's always that one person who goes from church to church living off the congregation. Normally, we call that person the Pastor
  • What do you call a pastor that started giving sermons at a different church because that church's pastor quit? a step-father.
Church joke, What do you call a pastor that started giving sermons at a different church because that church's pa

Church Pew Jokes

Here is a list of funny church pew jokes and even better church pew puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I want a gun that shoots wooden benches. I'd walk into a church with no seating and be like: *pew pew pew. pew pew. pew pew pew*
  • What does a church shooting sound like? Pew! Pew!
  • What do you get when you cross a church with a laser tag arena? Pew! Pew! Pew!
  • How is a church like a laser gun? Pew! Pew! Pew!
  • A man accidentally sharted in church last week, everyone moved away from him. He had to sit on his own pew.
  • How is a Stormtrooper like an empty church? Both of their Pews are missing people
  • My local church went bankrupt and someone turned it into a gun range. The community didn't like it, but it already had pew pew pews.
  • What does it sound like when two churches fight? Pew Pew PEWPEWPEW!!!
  • Why do Storm Troopers like churchs? Cuz of all the pews.
    I hate myself
  • What sound does a gun made from church seating make? Pew Pew..
    Sorry. Just became a father 2 years ago. I have some catching up to do.

Church Holy Jokes

Here is a list of funny church holy jokes and even better church holy puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What's the difference between a restored church and a bumhole dipped in holy water? One's a rectified sanctum...
  • Welcome to the Church of the Holy Cabbage. Lettuce pray.
  • What did Ronnie James Dio wear to Church when he was a baby? Holy Diapers.
  • I am banned from my church livestream Apparently dunking a pizza crust into a full glass of wine and then chugging it is not acceptable for holy communion.
  • I ate a burger in church today The priest then said Holy cow
  • What do you say when a church is burning down? Holy smokes.
  • Why did the preacher get wet? The church had a holy roof.
  • Worst place to buy condoms? A church. They're holy.
  • What does a blind person read in church? Holy Braille
  • Apparently I need to listen more in church. Turns out the preacher wasn't talking about Jim Beam when he asked if anyone had been drunk on the Holy Spirit.
Church joke, Apparently I need to listen more in church.

Cheerful Fun Church Jokes to Brighten Your Day with Humor and Joy

What funny jokes about church you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean community jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make church pranks.

The usher in church greets one of their members...

and says "Welcome! You need to join the army of the Lord!"
The member says,"I am in the Lord's army".
The usher asked,"Then why do I only see you on Christmas and Easter?"
The member leaned over and whispered,"I'm in the Secret Service."

I just got caught having s**... in a church.

Needless to say I should have probably waited untill her f**... was over.

So a Higgs Boson particle goes into a catholic church

And it gets stopped at the door by the bishop.
The bishop says, "Sir, I can't allow you in here."
"What? Why?" the particle responds.
"You call yourself the 'God particle.' That's blasphemy against our Lord."
"Oh, well, I guess that makes sense. Before I go, though, can I ask you a question?"
"Yeah sure," the bishop responds. "Might as well."
"So," the Higgs Boson begins, "if you don't allow me in here, how do you have mass?"

Drunk in confession booth.

A drunk staggers into a church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to just sit there. Finally,the priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"

Jesus loves you.

A good thing to hear in church but a terrifying thing to hear in a mexican prison.

A preacher went into his church and he was praying to God.

While he was praying, he asked God, "How long is 10 million years to you?"
God replied, "One second."
The next day the preacher asked God, "God, how much is 10 million dollars to you?"
And God replied, "A penny."
Then finally the next day the preacher asked God, "God, can I have one of your pennies?"
And God replied, "Just wait a sec."

The Silent f**...

An old couple were sitting in Church and the wife noticed that people were staring at her.
She leaned across to her husband and whispered, "I've just let go a silent f**.... What do you think I should do?"
He said, "I think you should get fresh batteries for your hearing aid."

Overcrowded church

The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.
One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.
The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"
Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.
After a few moments, there were only three people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.
The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."

Irishman in confession

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies, "Get out. You're on my side."

Nescafe and the Pope

Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.
After receiving the Papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers,
"Your Eminence, we have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to
donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from
'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily
The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the
Lord. It must not be changed."
"Well," said the Nescafe man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For
this reason we will increase our offer to $300 million."
"My son, it is impossible, for the prayer is the word of the Lord and
it must not be changed."
The Nescafe guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your
adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer.... We will
donate $500 million - that's half a billion dollars - to the great
Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give
us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.'
Please consider it."
And he leaves.
The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.
"There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news.The good
news is that the Church will come into $500 million.'"
"And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.
"We're losing the Wonder-Bread account."

Old couple in church...

An old couple is sitting in church one morning, listening to a sermon, when the wife whispers, "I just let out a silent f**.... What should I do?"
Her husband whispers back, "Well, for starters, you can put a new battery in your hearing aid."

An Elderly Couple

An elderly couple Pauline & Frank were recently attending a church service at their retirement village.
About halfway through the service, Pauline took a pen and paper out of her purse, and wrote a note and handed it to Frank.
The note said:" I just let out a silent f**..., what do you think I should do?"
Frank scribbled back: "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

The Irishman's parking space

An Irishman is trying to find a parking space outside his local pub on a busy evening, but cannot find a single one.
He looks skyward and says, "Lord, if you grant me this space, I'll come to Church every Sunday like a good Catholic should."
Low and behold, a space opens up right in front of him at which time, he looks skyward again and says, "Never mind, I found one."

At church, last sunday

…, the preacher said "Jesus died for your sins". At that point, a man got up, furious and shouted "Seriously, man? I was reading that book!"

A man bought a horse from a pastor of a church...

The pastor explains to him "to make the horse go yell 'Thank God!' And to make it stop yell 'Hallelujah'". He is riding the horse and gets distracted when he notices he is about to ride off a cliff and begins to yell "Hallelujah! Hallelujah!", and the horse stops just at the edge of the cliff. He wipes his sweat off and says "Phew! Thank God!".
*Old Russian joke my dad used to tell*

A religious traitor

Son: Dad, what's a religious traitor?
Father: A person who leaves our church and joins another.
Son: And what is a person who leaves another church and joins ours?
Father: A convert, son, a blessed convert.

3 priests at lunch

So three priests are out to lunch.
One priest goes off about his problem with bats at his church,
"I've tried everything to get rid of them, they just won't leave."
The second priest relates to the first,
"I know! I've tried everything! Cats, spray, noise, light. They just won't go away."
The third priest says,
"Well, I baptized my bats; confirmed them and made them the newest members of my parish, haven't seen one since."

A man is new in town

A man is new in town and asks the next passerby for directions:
"Excuse me, could you please tell me where the church is?"
"Yeah, it's on 3rd street."
"What, right next to the brothel?"
"What? No! The brothel is on 17th street."
"Oh, I see. Thank you very much!"

Three Little Old Ladies

Three little old ladies were at the bus stop in front of their church when a young man ran up to them and exposed himself. The oldest one had a s**.... The other two couldn't reach.

A little girl and her mother are at Church...

...when the little girl starts to feel sick. Her mother tells her to go throw up in the bushes behind the church.
When the little girl returns, her mother asks her if she threw up.
"Yes," the girl says. "But I didn't have to go all the way around the back. There was a box near the front door that said 'For the Sick.'"

I'm not sure what the first church on the moon will look like...

But I'm sure the mass will be the same.

A Higgs boson enters a church

And the priest says, "I'm sorry, we don't allow Higgs bosons in churches"
The Higgs replies, "but without me, you can't have mass"

An elderly couple was sitting together in church...

The wife leans over to the husband and says "I just let out a really long and silent f**.... What should I do?"
The husband replies "Change the battery in your hearing aid."

An elderly couple sits in church

The old lady leans over and whispers, "I just let out a really big silent f**..., what should I do? "
The old man says, "you should replace the batteries in your hearing aid. "

2 Black Eyes

A man walks into work with two black eyes. His boss asks what happened.
The man says, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."
"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asks.
"Well," the man says, "I figured she preferred it in the crack, so I pushed it back in."

Here's one from Russia

A guy is late for an important meeting but can't find a place to park.
In desperation, he begins to pray.
"Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink v**... again!"
A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance.
"Never mind. Found one!"

A Higgs Boson walks into a church

The priest says we don't allow Higgs Bosons in here . The Higgs Boson then replies but without me, how could you have mass?

Euro 2016

Hi! I've got 2 tickets for the final of Euro 2016 but forgot that it's on the same day as my wedding so I can't go.
If you are interested and want to go instead of me ...
... It's at St. Nicholas' Church, Brighton and she's called Jane.

I have two tickets to the 2017 Superbowl, but I'm getting married that day so I can't go.

If you're interested in going in my place, the wedding is at St. Peter's church and her name is Laura.

Why do churches ban Wi-Fi?

Because they can't compete with an invisible power that actually exists

A nun asked in church class, which part of the body comes to heaven first?!

So Johnny immediately replied: "Must be the legs!"
The nun is startled and asks: "Why do you think that, Johnny?"
And Johnny replies: "Last night I saw mom in bed with her legs in the air screaming "Oh, god... I'm coming!!!". If dad hadn't been pounding her to the bed so furiously, we would lose her forever!"

I recently watched my wedding video backwards.

I love the part where I take the ring off her finger, leave the church and go drinking with my friends.

Dating a stripper is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church.....

They all look at you with disgust, but deep down, you know they want some, too.

An elderly couple are sitting in a church

The man lets out a silent f**... while the priest is talking.
He then says to his wife "I've let out a silent f**..., everyone here will smell it. What do I do?"
His wife then says to him, "You get your hearing aids fixed"

When I was 6 years old my priest took me aside and gave me a lesson about the birds and the bees.

He did this to many other kids. It went on for about 2 years. Until he left the church to pursue his career in zoology. He just loved teaching kids about animals. What a great man.

I was sitting in church when a guy walked in and said hi to me.

He then walked up into the tower of the church and hit his face against the large bell a few times.
#b**... b**... b**...
He then walked back down the stairs and said "See you later mate" and walked out. As he left a few fellow church goers said to me, "Do you know that guy?"
I replied, "I don't think so, but his face rings a bell"

The Lost Bible

One day a devout preacher lost his favorite Bible while he was at a spiritual retreat in the mountains. He was devastated, and began to lose his faith. Three weeks later, a dog walked up to him after church service, carrying the Bible in its mouth. The preacher couldn't believe his eyes.
He took the precious book out of the dog's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"
"Not really," said the dog. "Your name is written inside the cover."

"Jesus loves you."

A nice thing to hear in church. And a horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

Jesus may have been offended

Elderly couple in church during Easter mass. Wife turns to husband and says, "I have just done a silent f**..., what should I do?" Husband says, "put new batteries in your hearing aid!"

An old couple is sitting in church

The wife turns to the husband and says, "I just let out a silent f**.... What should I do."
"Put new batteries in your hearing aids."

What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in a bathtub??

Well, the woman in church has hope in her soul, but the woman in tub has soap in her hole...

One Sunday morning in church...

... as Pastor Smith is about to deliver his sermon he asks the congregation how many of them managed to read Mark Chapter 17 as he'd asked them to the previous Sunday.
Almost all hands in the church went up.
"Very well," Pastor Smith continued. "By the way, Mark only has 16 chapters, and the topic of today's sermon shall be lying."

A church has a rat problem

The church doesn't want to kill the rats so they trap them and release them far away, but the next day they are back.
Next they try ask them politely to leave, still they won't budge.
Finally the priest has one last idea, he baptized all the rats.
Now they only come at Christmas and Easter.

I played my wedding video backwards today.

It really cheered me up to see me take the ring off my wife's finger, walk out of church and go drinking with my friends.

I just made my new wrestling name. My name is Off In Church...

Because no one beats off in church

A man is looking for a parking space

Everywhere he looks, it seems as if every single space has been taken. Though never much of a church goer, the man looks up to the sky and says, "God, if you give me a parking space, I promise I'll stop sinning and go to church." Suddenly, a parking space opens up right in front of him.
"Never mind. I found one."

A man is watching tv and starts yelling "No! No! DONT GO IN THE CHURCH!!!"

The wife from another room asks: "honey what are you watching?"
Husband: our wedding video

Boy goes to confession and tells the priest he has been with a girl of loose morals.

"That's a grievous sin," the priest says. "Tell me: Was it Mary O'Hara?"
"No, Father."
"Was it Kate Dannaher?"
"No, Father."
"Was it Kathleen McGonigle?"
"No, Father. I don't want to say who it was."
Later, as the boy leaves the church, he sees a friend, who asks him, "How'd it go?"
He answers, "Well, I got ten Hail Marys, five Our Fathers... and three great leads."

The "bishop" came to our church today...

...must have been an imposter!
Never once moved diagonally

I watched the video of my wedding backwards.

I almost cried when I took the ring back, gave her back to her father, moonwalked out of the church, and went away, free.
Wow: I made it to front page! Thanks guys!

Jesus loves you.

A beautiful sentiment to hear at church.
The stuff of nightmares in a Mexican prison.

The Elderly Guy in Church

An elderly man walks into church, goes into the confessional and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them. Twice."
The priest said: *"Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"*
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
*"So then, why are you telling me?"*
"I'm telling everybody."

Went to a Black Church to listen to gospel. The preacher came over and said "YOU WILL WALK TODAY!!"

I told him I wasn't paralyzed, but he said it again with even more enthusiasm.
After the service I went to leave. My car was gone.

Church is like s**...

I fall asleep right after I come

A drunk staggers into a church one evening, goes into the confessional box and sits down. He doesn't say a word.

The priest coughs to try and get his attention. There's no response so the priest coughs again. There's still no response from the drunk.
The priest coughs a couple of more times and still doesn't get any response, so finally he pounds on the wall.
The drunk slurs, "There's no use knocking. There's no paper this side either."

I got my kid baptized yesterday

Priest:  Do you believe in the Holy Spirit and the holy Catholic church?
Me: I do.
Priest: Do you believe in the communion of saints and the forgiveness of sins?
Me: I do.
Priest: Do you believe in the resurrection of the body and life everlasting?
Me: I do
Priest: Do you hereby indemnify and hold harmless the Catholic church for any s**... misconduct to you and your family for ever and ever amen?
Me: I do--- wait! Hold on!
Priest: Too late! You said it!

Mother Superior is in the convent, when she hears a knock at the door. She opens the door and is shocked to see two leprechauns standing at the threshold, hats in hand. The first leprechaun speaks, "Mother Superior, would you be having any leprechaun nuns in this convent?"

"No, my son. We have no leprechaun nuns in this convent."
"And mother, do you have any leprechaun nuns in all of Ireland?"
"No my son, I don't believe there's a single leprechaun nun in the whole church!"
The first leprechaun rounds on his companion and shouts, "AH TOL' YE YOU'D BEEN FOOKIN' A PENGUIN!"

What do you call it when Batman decides not to go to church?

Christian Bale

Three priests gathered together for a drink .

During their get together ,the host ask the other two :

- How do you split your money with the Lord ?
"I draw a line on the floor in my church ,then ,i throw the money in the air ,whatever is on my side I get to keep ,whatever falls on his side he keeps it" sais the first priest.
The second one replies "well I draw circle and then I' throw the money in the air ,whatever falls inside the circle is mine ,whatever Falls outside the circle is His" .
"How do you split your money ?" they both ask the host priest.
I' just throw the money in the air and he keeps whatever he wants.

I was kicked out of my church for suggesting Jesus may have spoke with a lisp

It was a real slap in the faith.

A woman sees her son shoving candy into his mouth.

"Stop it" she said, "You shouldn't eat so much candy at once."
"Why?" her son replied.
"Because, if you eat too much candy at once, your stomach will grow bigger, and bigger, and finally it will explode!"
The boy is frightened by the image of his stomach exploding, so he stops eating candy.

The next day, the boy and his mom go to church, and the boy sits down next to a very pregnant woman. The boy looks closely at her stomach, then up to her face, and finally he says to the pregnant woman, "I know what you've been doing."

A Higgs-boson particle goes into a church.

The vicar says, "We don't want your sort in here!"
The Higgs-boson particle says
"But you can't have mass without me!"

A grandfather is walking home with his granddaughter after church. Did God make you, PopPop? the girl asks.

Yep! He certainly did, the old man answers.

And did he make me too? she asks next.

Of course he did, the old man answers again.

Well, she replies, he's certainly getting better at it.

Church joke, A grandfather is walking home with his granddaughter after church.  Did God make you, PopPop?  the g

jokes about church