Church Holy Jokes
54 church holy jokes and hilarious church holy puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about church holy that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Church Holy Short Jokes
Short church holy jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The church holy humour may include short church offering jokes also.
- What's the difference between a restored church and a bumhole dipped in holy water? One's a rectified sanctum...
- I am banned from my church livestream Apparently dunking a pizza crust into a full glass of wine and then chugging it is not acceptable for holy communion.
- Apparently I need to listen more in church. Turns out the preacher wasn't talking about Jim Beam when he asked if anyone had been drunk on the holy spirit.
- Today I visited a church which had a bunch of bullet holes through it You could say it was a holy church
- Did you hear about the priest at the nation's largest Roman Catholic church who forgot what he was supposed to say when administering the Holy Eucharist? He caused mass confusion.
- Guess what happens when you chuck a piece of steak into a church? Holy cow!
- Your momma's so fat That when she goes to church people say: Holy Cow!
- Did you hear the one about the church that burned down? Holy Smokes!
- How does the church make holy water? They take regular tap water, and boil the h**... out of it!
- What is the difference between the Roman Catholic Church and the Russian Orthodox Church? The Roman Catholics drink Holy Wine while the Russian Orthodox drink Holy v**....
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Church Holy One Liners
Which church holy one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with church holy? I can suggest the ones about church and catholic church.
- Welcome to the Church of the Holy Cabbage. Lettuce pray.
- What did Ronnie James Dio wear to Church when he was a baby? Holy Diapers.
- I ate a burger in church today The priest then said Holy cow
- What do you say when a church is burning down? Holy smokes.
- Why did the preacher get wet? The church had a holy roof.
- Worst place to buy condoms? A church. They're holy.
- What does a blind person read in church? Holy Braille
- What did the Catholic Church say when they first saw the Shroud of Turin? Holy sheet!
- What do you call a whirlpool in a church? Holy water!
- What did the fireman say when the church caught on fire? Holy smoke!
- What do you call a dog that went to church? A holy Shih Tzu
Im sorry.... - Mom: Huh, you can buy holy water at that church. Dad: You mean seltzer?
- I love the homosexual church In the name of the father, the son, the holy spirit; gay men
- I saw a cow at church today Holy cow
- What did the preacher say when the church burned down? Holy smokes!
Silly Church Holy Jokes for a Good Time with Friends
What funny jokes about church holy you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean church pew jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make church holy pranks.
Socrates' Beloved
Socrates beloved dog died. He went to his Greek priest and asked if he could arrange a regular church service for his dearly departed. The priest was outraged and berated the parishioner for suggesting his dog receive holy services. Dismayed, Socrates turned away mumbling, 'Now what am I to do with the five thousand Euros we saved for the serviced?' 'Good Lord, my son, come back; why didn't you say he was Orthodox?'
The Pope visits Las Vegas
The Pope was making a widely publicised and controversial visit to Las Vegas. His publicity advisors warned him that the trip would be fraught with risks, but the holy man insisted that the gambling capital of the world was exactly the kind of place that the church should be trying to spread its message. After a long flight, the Pope stepped off the plane to find himself face to face with a horde of television cameras and newspaper journalists. One eager young news hound t**... a microphone at the Pope and asked, "Pope, what is your opinion of the large numbers of brothels in this city?" Mindful of the warnings he'd received from his advisors, he thought carefully for a second and replied tactfully, "Are there any brothels in this city?" The next day he was distraught to see the newspaper's headline which read "Pope's first question: 'Are there any brothels in this city?'"
The Vicar's Salary
At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to
a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation.
No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.
Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Glasgow, stands up and
proclaims:
'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every
year, and his wife with a Volkswagen mini-van to transport their
children!'
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, if
the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary
and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school
education for all of his children!'
More sighs and loud applause.
Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,
'If the Vicar stays, I will give him free s**....'
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her:
'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you
to say that?'
Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking
his head from side to side, while his wife replies:
'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Fuck him'.
Nescafe and the Pope
Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.
After receiving the Papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers,
"Your Eminence, we have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to
donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from
'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily
coffee."
The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the
Lord. It must not be changed."
"Well," said the Nescafe man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For
this reason we will increase our offer to $300 million."
"My son, it is impossible, for the prayer is the word of the Lord and
it must not be changed."
The Nescafe guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your
adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer.... We will
donate $500 million - that's half a billion dollars - to the great
Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give
us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.'
Please consider it."
And he leaves.
The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.
"There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news.The good
news is that the Church will come into $500 million.'"
"And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.
"We're losing the Wonder-Bread account."
A good joke I heard a while back
A man walks in a church crying and says to the priest " I killed my sister and hid the body. My guilt is killing me what should I do?" The priest responded
"Drink some holy water"
A second guy comes in sobbing and says " I cheated on my wife and I can't tell her." The priest responded
"Go drink some holy water"
A third guy comes on laughing and the priest asks " Why are you laughing?" The man responded
" I peed in the holy water."
The Pope's Coffee - From my grandfather
Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the pope at the Vatican .
After receiving the papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers, "Your Eminence, we have an offer for you.
Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.'"
The pope responds, "That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the Lord. It must not be changed."
"Well," says the Nescafe man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason we will increase our offer to $300 million."
"My son, it is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord, and it must not be changed."
The Nescafe guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer... We will donate $500 million - that's half a billion dollars - to the great Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.' Please consider it."
And he leaves.
The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.
"There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news. The good news is that the Church will come into $500 million."
"And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.
"We're losing the Wonderbread account."
A catholic schoolgirl goes to church for confession...
When she gets to the church, she notices that the confessional is occupied, so she sits down in a nearby pew. A short time later, the confessional door opens, and her best friend exits. The friend sits next to the girl, who asks her, "So... what did you confess to?"
"I told Father Murphy I gave my boyfriend a h**... in the back seat of the car. He told me to say ten Hail Marys and wash my hands in the font of holy water."
The first girl winces and says, "Well, you might want to wait. When I'm finished confessing, I'm probably going to have to gargle in it."
Heavenly Water
Three men form a line in front of the confession booth at church. The first man enters the booth and says, "Father, I have sinned".
The priest asks," what is it you have done?"
"I lied at work today." Replies the first man.
"All will be forgiven, pray to God and go drink from the holy water across the hall."
The man exits and walks over to the holy water to takes a drink.
The second man enters the confession booth.
"Father I have sinned. I cheated on my wife. I was also in such a rush to confess, I shoved and cut in front of the other man in line to this booth. I am a horrible person.".
The priest replies, "Pray to God and drink from the holy water across the hall. You will be forgiven."
The second man leaves te booth to go drink the holy water.
The third man enters the booth, but before the priest could say anything the man said, "I peed in the holy water."
Which woman is the Holy symbol of the m**... church?
Mother Mary me
A Weapon Of Mass Destruction...
A cabbage and beer f**..., with a couple of boiled eggs thrown in, in the second pew at the 10:00 service at St. Agnes of the Holy Water Church...
Why Islam is growing rapidly !!!
Father Francis of Bradford was unhappy that the church attendance had steadily declined in the past few years but the mosque across the street was jampacked every Friday.
So he invited the imam for a cup of tea and then finally brought up the topic
Imam :So tell me,what happens if a man visits church every Sunday and follows the word of Jesus
Father: He will go to heaven after he dies
Imam: What will he get there?
Father: He will forever be in the company of Father,Jesus,Holy Spirit,v**... Mary...
Imam: Thats the problem, Only One v**......
I got my kid baptized yesterday
Priest: Do you believe in the Holy Spirit and the holy Catholic church?
Me: I do.
Priest: Do you believe in the communion of saints and the forgiveness of sins?
Me: I do.
Priest: Do you believe in the resurrection of the body and life everlasting?
Me: I do
Priest: Do you hereby indemnify and hold harmless the Catholic church for any s**... misconduct to you and your family for ever and ever amen?
Me: I do--- wait! Hold on!
Priest: Too late! You said it!
I'm not allowed in church anymore...
I j**... off to the statues, some of it got in the holy water...now all the babies have harpies.
A priest dies and goes to the gates of Heaven
The priest approaches the bouncer aka St. Peter.
After perusing the list, Peter can't find the priest's name, and tells him to go downstairs to the waiting room until further notice.
Meanwhile, a taxi driver who died at the same time approached the gates.
St. Peter welcomes him with open arms and lets him straight into Heaven.
The priest is dumbfounded. I've preached to thousands of people throughout my life! I've baptized children and converted many to the church! I've lived a holy life!
St. Peter shakes his head and responds:
When you preached, people slept...
When he drove, people prayed.
One morning a man came into the church on crutches
He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, then threw away his crutches.
An altar boy witnessed the scene, then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.
"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said. "Tell me, where is this man now?"
"Flat on his a**... over by the holy water."