Church Bells Jokes

A church's bell ringer passed away. The church posted the job opening in the local newspaper's classified ads and a man came in with no arms wanting the job. The clergy weren't sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it. They climbed the bell tower and the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head, producing a beautiful melody. They gave him the job on the spot. The next day he went to ring the bell, tripped, bounced off the bell and fell to the sidewalk below. Two priests were walking past. One asked, "Do you know this guy?" The other responded, "No, but his face rings a bell."
The next day, the dead man's twin brother came in for the again vacant bell ringer position. He also had no arms. The clergy led him up to the bell tower, where he ran at the bell, tripped and fell to the sidewalk below. The same two priests walked up. The first asked, "Do you know him?" The second responded, "No, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

On hearing that her elderly grandfather has just passed away, Katie goes straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asks how her grandfather has died, her grandmother replies, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie tells her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having s**... will surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear. Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. It was nice, slow, and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the d**...."
She pauses, wipes away a tear and then continues, "And if that d**... ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

A church's bell ringer passed away. The church posted the job opening in the local newspaper's classified ads and a man came in with no arms wanting the job. The clergy weren't sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it. They climbed the bell tower and the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head, producing a beautiful melody. They gave him the job on the spot. The next day he went to ring the bell, tripped, bounced off the bell and fell to the sidewalk below. Two priests were walking past. One asked, "Do you know this guy?" The other responded, "No, but his face rings a bell."
The next day, the dead man's twin brother came in for the again vacant bell ringer position. He also had no arms. The clergy led him up to the bell tower, where he ran at the bell, tripped and fell to the sidewalk below. The same two priests walked up. The first asked, "Do you know him?" The second responded, "No, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

There once was a baby born with no arms. His parents put him on the church's stairs and vanished.

The local priest took him in and raised him, eventually giving him the job of ringing the bell for evening mass. So, each day, the child lined up from across the room and ran as fast as he could to hit the bell with his head.
One day, the priest ate a banana and left the peel lying by the bell. As the child was running running running, he slipped on the banana peel and fell out the window to his death. When the cops came to investigate, the asked the priest for the child's name.
The priest said I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell.

The armless bell ringer.

A church was looking for a new bell ringer and so had posted fliers for anyone wanting the job to come speak to the priest. The next day a man with no arms showed up wanting the job.
"I don't want to offend you, sir," said the priest," but how exactly do you plan on ringing the bell with no arms?"
"Have a little faith, father!" said the man, "just take me up the tower and I'll show you."
The priest led the man up to the bell, and the man proceeded to walk to one end of the room and sprint full speed toward the bell. He crashed headlong into the bell which rung with a resounding BONNNNNNNNG and the man bounced off, fell out of the tower and hit the ground dead.
A crowd gathered to see what had happened and one man exclaimed "My God! Does anyone know this poor soul?"
A man in the back of the crowed said "No, but his face sure rings a bell."

So this woman had a baby boy...

...but she was in no condition to keep him, so she decided to abandon him to the church. However, the priest was in the hospital at the moment, so the woman went after him and, seeing him in the hospital bed, unconscious and with IV's sticking out of his every vein, she decided to leave the baby at his feet.
The priest wakes up and after he discovers the baby, he calls for the doctors. "What's with this baby here, doc?". "Well, you see, when we were operating on you we found him there, so we got him out."
"This must be a miracle from God!" cried out the priest. "I must keep him!"
Years pass and the priest finds himself on the death bed. With his last breath he calls for his son.
"Son, I am not your father..."
"I knew it all along" said the son. "It doesn't matter, you raised me, you fed me, you cared for me as if for your own!"
"No, you don't get it. I'm not your father. I'm your mother. Your father's the bell-ringer."

So there's this Irish Pub..

in Ireland of all places. Anywho, its getting towards the end of the night and the bartender rings the bell calling, "Last drinks! Last drinks! And anyone who can come up with the best cheers gets their last drink for free!"
After hearing this everyone in the pub runs up to the bar and starts shouting at the bartender their best cheers. The bartenders hears a few of them over the noise and dismisses them with a wave of the hand, "No, none of those will do!"
When its gets quiet one man raises his beer, "I have one! I say cheers to spending the rest of my life between the legs of my wife!"
Everyone raises their beer in approval and this man gets his free beer.
Later that night this man walks home and gets into bed with his wife. His wife wakes and turns to her husband, "You're home late."
"Yeah, well I won the cheers!"
"Ah, what'd you say?"
"What'd I say.." The man thinks for a moment, he doesn't want to get in trouble with his wife, "I said cheers to spending the rest of my life.. at church next to my wife!"
"Aww, such a lovely thing to say" exclaims the wife and she goes back to sleep.
The very next day the wife is waiting in line at the local bakery. A man who heard the cheers at the pub walks up to the wife and says, "You know your husband devoted the cheers to you last night."
To which the wife replies, "Yeah I don't understand it, I mean he hasn't been down there in years and I have to pull his ear to come!"

Sunday Morning s**...

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having s**... would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the d**...." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

There was once a man born with no arms...

So his family gave him to the local church. At first they had a hard time figuring out what to do with an armless guy, so they just had him teach choir. But one day, It was time for mass, and no one was there except the armless man. He knew the bell had to be rung to summon the people, so he walked up the stairs to the bell tower. After contemplating for a bit, he ran straight up to the bell and rung it with his face. When the minister and everyone else returned, they were so amazed with his performance that they designated him the official bell ringer. So he went on like that every day, slamming his face into the bell to ring it. One day, however, he slipped and fell off the bell tower to his death. Citizens crowded around him in horror. "does anyone know this armless guy?" a man called out. " I'm not sure," said another guy, " but his face sure rings a bell."

The Church Bell

This church just lost there bell ringer and needed someone to ring the bell for them. They were holding auditions when a man with no arms came up to them and asked about the job. The priest asked the man " How are you going to ring the bell without any arms?" to which the man replied with " Like this." The man ran up to the top of the church and hit the bell with his face to make it ring. when he came down the priest said " Well I guess you got the job."
Over the years the man kept ringing the bell by hitting his face against the bell and causing it to ring, while, however, causing the man to be off balance. One day he went up to the bell, rung it again then slipped off the roof and landed hard onto the asphalt, killing him instantly. Two people found him dead in the parking lot, one asked the other " You know him?" to which the other said " Not really, but the face sure rings a bell."

There once was an old cathedral in rural England...

There once was an old cathedral in rural England. It was near a small village and most of the people that lived there attended church every week. This was a sad time for the people of this village, as the much beloved bell ringer for the church had fallen ill and died.
The head minister of this cathedral had taken the death quite hardly, as he had been good friends with the man. Reluctantly, he put up a notice in the village square that they would be needing a replacement bell ringer. He knew that a man for the job was needed before the f**... of the old ringer.
Now, the day after notice was posted, the minister was in his study reading when a young man no older than 20 walked in. The minister looked up and asked, "What can I do for you, young man?"
The man, visibly eager to speak, replied, "I'm here about the posting you've made. I want to be the next bell ringer." There was an enthusiasm on this man's face that caught the minister's attention.
The minister, somewhat recognizing this enthusiasm, inquired, "Well that may be something we could discuss. But first, I must know, have I seen you here at the church or around town? You seem rather familiar."
"No, sir, I don't believe we've met before," the man replied.
"Ah, well then, it's very nice to make your acquaintance," said the minister. He reached out to shake the young man's hand, when he noticed something very out of the ordinary. The man had no arms! The minister pulled back his hand and apologized for the gesture.
"It's no problem, sir, I've been without them for my whole life, I'm quite used to that." The man redirected the conversation back to the job. "Now, I'd really like to talk about becoming the next bell ringer!"
The minister, slightly taken aback, wondered whether the armless man was serious. "My dear boy, surely you must be joking. You've got no arms! I mean no offense, but there is no way you could pull those heavy ropes to ring the bells."
The young man still had an eagerness about him, insisting that the minister give him a shot. "I can do it, let me show you! Please sir, I know I can do it. Come with me up the bell tower and I'll show you!"
At this point, the minister was wondering whether the man had some sort of brain damage as well. There was absolutely no way a man with no arms could ring those bells. But, being the generous man that he was, the minister decided to at least humor the man and go up into the bell tower with him.
Once they reached the top of the tower where the bells were held, the minister asked how the young man was going to ring them. "Like this," he simply replied with an odd smile on his face. The man took some step back towards one open arches that made up the bell tower, disregarding the ropes that hung next to him. He began walking slowly, then burst into a sprint, jumped, and smacked his forehead on the edge of the bell.
BWOOOOOOOOONNNG
The minister couldn't believe it. This armless man had just mad the most beautiful sound he'd ever heard come out of that bell. Astounded, he turned to the man and exclaimed, "Dear boy, did you really just do that?"
Unfazed, the young man responded excitedly, "Yes sir! Would you like me to do it again?" Without waiting for an answer, the man once again stepped back to the arch, took a running start, jumped, and smacked his forehead against the bell.
BWOOOOOOOOONNNG
Now, the minister was truly speechless. Although his previous thoughts about brain damage were almost certainly proven, he simply could not believe how beautiful the sound was that the bell made. He looked at the man, seeing no sign of harm to his head, but only a smile that showed how confident he was. The minister then made the final decision to make this young man the next bell ringer.
A few days had passed, and it was time for the f**... for the former ringer. Nearly the entire village showed up to mourn his passing. As the f**... dragged on as only funerals can, the newly appointed ringer made his way up the tower to give the bells a good BWONG-ing after the final eulogy had ended. This was his biggest break, his chance to show the entire village that he could be a great ringer. The excitement from that first day had swelled up until this point.
He listed for the sound of the last "Amen" from the congregation. It was his time now. The armless man closed his eyes to take it all in. After a deep sigh, he took some steps back, broke into a run, jumped, and smacked his forehead on the edge of the bell. Then, to his surprise, he tripped on a large old nail as he landed, stumbled toward one of the arches, and, unable to balance himself, fell out of the tower to his death.
BWOOOOOOOOONNNG ... ... ... SPLAT!
The f**...-goers heard this strange sound and all rushed outside to see what was the matter. To their surprise, they found the newly appointed ringer dead on the ground. The crowd began talking among themselves, wondering who knew this man and whether any of his family was present. One man thought he had recognized the deceased man earlier with a family, but couldn't quite put his finger on it whether it was him or not. Everyone could agree that this man looked familiar.
As the minister finally reached the body through the crowd, he knelt down and wept beside him. A woman in the crowd asked, "Father, did you know who this man was?"
"No," he solemnly answered, "but his face sure rang a bell."

Jobs of our fathers

The principal of a school was to inspect one of the classes in her school. Before the inspection the head teacher goes to the class and tells the students that to every question from the principal, they need to give an illustrious answer even if it's not true.
The principal arrives. She goes over to little Jimmy and asks him:
"What does your dad do little boy?"
Now Jimmy's father was a poor shoemaker but Jimmy said:
"Oh, he's the owner of this large shoe factory."
She then goes to Timmy and asks him about his father's occupation.
Timmy was also relatively poor, his dad worked as a bricklayer.
"My pops owns a large construction company!" Timmy says smiling.
Finally she asks Ben. Now Ben was so poor, his father didn't have a job, but the local church out of charity let him ring the church's bells.
"Well my dad works as a DJ in the church."

The Bell Ringer

A church's bell ringer passed away. So they posted the position and a man came in with no arms wanting the job. The clergy weren't sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it.
They climbed the bell tower and the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head. They gave him the job.
The next day he went to ring the bell, tripped, bounced off the bell and fell to the sidewalk below. Two guys were walking past.
One asked, "Do you know this guy?"
The second guy responded, "No, but his face rings a bell."
The next day, the dead bell ringer's twin brother comes in for the again vacant bell ringer position. He also has no arms. They lead him up to the bell tower, he runs at the bell, trips and falls to the sidewalk below.
The same two guys walk by.
The first asks, "Do you know him?"
The second guy responds, "No, but he's a dead ringer for the guy we saw yesterday."

Inferiority Complex

An American was backpacking across the highlands, when he came across a small village where he decided to spend the night.
Upon entering the local pub that evening for some drinks with the locals, he found himself in a conversation with one particularly drunk and indignant individual.
"Ya see that fence out there?" The old man asked the backpacker. "I built that fence with me own hands. But ya think they call me MacGregor the fence builder? No!"
"And that church out there. I hoisted the bell up to the top with me own hands. But ya think they call me MacGregor the church builder? No!"
And that bridge. I put it together stone by stone. But ya think they call me MacGregor the bridge builder? No!"
"But ya screw one goat..."

A church is auditioning for bell ringers in the bell tower.

Many children show up and finally the priest gets to the last one. Suddenly a little boy with no arms runs through the door and says, "Am I too late?" The priest wants to go home but asks the child, "How if you have no arms will you ring the bell?" Without question the child runs head first right into the bell, barely making a noise. The priest tells the little child, " I am sorry but that is not loud enough. But thank you for trying my son." All of the sudden the kid runs full force smacking into the bell with all his might and creates the loudest ring the priest has ever heard. Suddenly the bell falls and crashes down to the ground below causing the child to fall also to his death. When the police show up the officer asks the priest, " Do you know his name?" The priest sadly says, " No, but his face rings a bell."

There's this guy who lost both of his arms in an accident.

He lost his job, and is looking for a new one. He goes by a church and a sign reads "Bell ringer wanted". He goes in to the church and asks the minister. The minister didn't think he could ring the bell. The minister asked him how he would ring it. He runs at it and hits his head on the bell. The guy gets the job. Anyway, every day he would run up to the bell and hit his head on the bell. Eventually, his face gets all bruised from ringing the bell. One day, he was running up to the bell to ring it, but he slipped and fell of the tower. He lived, but he was hurt. When the paramedics showed up, a bystander asked a paramedic "Who is this guy anyway?" The paramedic responds "I don't know, but his face rings a bell"

Morning s**...

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having s**... would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the d**...." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

Sunday Morning s**...

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having s**... would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the d**...." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

The church was looking for a new bell ringer...

..and they put out an advertisment to find someone. After weeks of waiting, a man with no arms shows to apply. The clergy decided to let him try, given that no one else has shown up. They ascend up to the top of the bell tower and the priest tells the armless man to just have at it. The armless man steps up to bell, and just savagely bangs his head against the side of it until he falls over, dead. The clergy, clearly shocked, run down to the congregation gathered and ask,
"Did any of you know that man?"
And some else shouts, "No, but I think his face rings a bell!"

A story about a man with no arms.

One day, a man with no arms was low of money and decided he needed a job. So he went to the local church and talked to the priest. He told the pastor that he wanted to be the bell ringer, despite the fact that he had no arms.
The priest pondered this, and said "if you can go ring the bell at 3, you can have the job."
So right at three he went up the stairs to the massive Bell;m, rand and slammed his entire face into the bell, ringing it once. He backed up, and ran into the bell with his face again, ringing it once more.
He went back to the priest and the priest said "well I'm impressed, you got the job." So every hour he would go back up and ring the bell. At ten o'clock, as he was running towards the bell he tripped and fell off the tower and died. So while the cops were on the scene investigating the body, one cop asked the other "Do you know this man!"
"No, but his face sure rings a bell!"

Grandpa's death

After grandpa's death i went grandma's house to comfort her. I asked her how did that happen.
Grandma: " He died from a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Shocked, i told her that 2 people nearly 100 years old having s**... would surely be asking for trouble.
Grandma:" Oh no my dear. Realizing our advanced age we figured out that the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the perfect rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, just in on the Ding and out on the d**...."
She paused, wiped away a tear amd then continued, " And if that d**... ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd be still alive today!"