Chuck Norris Jokes

funny jokes about chuck norris and hilarious stories

BEST CHUCK NORRIS JOKES

Chuck norris jokes and pranks to have fun with friends and family. Top 10 jokes about Chuck norris of all time along with the funniest chuck norris gags ever told.

Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.

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Chuck Norris has proven Newton's third law of physics, there is no force equal to a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick.

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Chuck Norris can kill a man in 52 different ways using only a ballpoint pen.

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Chuck Norris can drive to the moon... on foot.

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Chuch Norris filmed the making of the first camera.

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The Mona Lisa is smiling because Chuck Norris let her live.

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The Grinch steals Christmas from Santa, Chuck Norris steals Christmas from the Grinch.

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The Hulk is Green because he envys Chuck Norris.

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Once Chuck Norris attempted to punch through a brick wall, but the brick wall crumbled in fear.

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Chuck Norris can milk birds.

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LATEST CHUCK NORRIS JOKES

Chuck Norris can make love to a girl so hard and fast it inspired a reality tv series.


We know it as Forged in the fire.

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In France, Chuck Norris accidentally won Tour de France by exercise bike.

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The First Law of Thermodynamics states:
Matter cannot be created nor destroyed.

.. unless it meets Chuck Norris.

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Chuck Norris doesn't pick up his food to eat it.
He commands it to enter his mouth.

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Insurance never covers you against damage sustained by Chuck Norris, as it'

s classed as an Act of God!

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Chuck Norris ate once at Hard Rock Cafe.
It's now called Shakey's.

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Chuck Norris occasionally smokes large cigars.
The last one was called the Hindenburg.

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Chuck Norris sleeps with his gun over his pillow.

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Before sliced bread, people used to say "That's the greatest thing since Chuck Norris".

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The first paper money press was invented when Chuck Norris drew a design under his boot and stepped on a tree.

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Chuck Norris is proof that legends never die.

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Every time Chuck Norris farts a hurricane forms.

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The wrecking ball in the Miley Cyrus video isn'

t a wrecking ball it's one of Chuck Norris testicles.

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They say if u talk shit about Chuck Norris he will slam ur face into the keyboard but he'

s to dumb to find me jdjdjddjdjfbfnfmapoibrndskdhsnjsjrrjwiaokdbdjaaksjdbjs this is Chuck Norris let that be a lesson.

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Once Chuck Norris went back in time and kicked a ball.
When it landed it wiped out the dinosaurs.

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Chuck Norris once appeared on celebrity wipeout.


They had to end the season after he destroyed the sucker punch wall with his chin.

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Chuck Norris bit a spider once then it became Spiderman!

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Chuck Norris doesn't have a chin under his beard just another fist!

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Before the 16th century, the sun really did go around the earth.


Chuck Norris just decided to change it as a prank.

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Death once got sentenced to Chuck Norris.

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CHUCK NORRIS JOKES THAT ARE...

Chuck norris jokes can be funny or dirty, insulting of disgusting. Most of them are suitable for kids and family.

BEST SHORT JOKES

Short jokes about Chuck Norris, one liners, thoughts and captions that are funny and will make you laugh.

Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.

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Chuck Norris can kill a man in 52 different ways using only a ballpoint pen.

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Chuch Norris filmed the making of the first camera.

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The Mona Lisa is smiling because Chuck Norris let her live.

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Chuck Norris can drive to the moon... on foot.

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The Hulk is Green because he envys Chuck Norris.

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Once Chuck Norris attempted to punch through a brick wall, but the brick wall crumbled in fear.

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Chuck Norris can milk birds.

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Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people, then it exploded.

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The Grinch steals Christmas from Santa, Chuck Norris steals Christmas from the Grinch.

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BEST DIRTY JOKES

Some of the dirtiest jokes about Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once wrestled a thirty foot snake, and then he realized he was just masturbating.

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China lets Chuck Norris search for porn on Google.

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Chuck Norris impregnates women without having sex with them.

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Chuck Norris can't have children, because his dick wouldn't fit.

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Chuck Norris is the only known mammal in history to have an opposable thumb.
On his penis.

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When Chuck Norris had a baby he was horny for the nurse and had a 70-inch long.

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Chuck Norris never gets dirty.
The dirt is too afraid to even touch him or his clothes.

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Chuck Norris made Dirty Harry's day.

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Q: Chuck Norris invented the internet?
A: Just so he had a place to store his porn.

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Chuck Norris sleeps with every woman on the planet once a month... and they bleed for a week.

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BEST POLITICAL JOKES

Jokes about Chuck Norris participation in political campaigns, elections, votes.

If Chuck Norris ran for president, the competition would drop out, and he would get infinite terms.

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Obama's health care plan won't cover injuries caused by a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to the face.


Nobody would survive anyway.

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The president of the USA lives in the White House.
Chuck Norris lives in the Roundhouse.

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Chuck Norris was asked if he would be running for President, after a chuckle, he stated, nothing makes him run.

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Obama said, "Yes we can." Chuck Norris says, "I already did.".

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Chuck Norris doesn't run for President; the President runs for Vice God Chuck Norris.

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Chuck Norris wins every political campaign, but politely declines the jobs.

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If Chuck Norris were president, he would protect the secret service.

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When the President pushes the big red button, Chuck Norris's cell phone rings.

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After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris.
It was more "humane".

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BEST MILITARY JOKES

Jokes about Chuck Norris famous military skills and courage.

Iran reveals a plan to test its first Chuck Norris within a week.

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A bulletproof jacket is an imitation of Chuck Norris' beard.

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Osama Bin Laden is hiding from Chuck Norris.

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Chuck Norris can find Osama Bin Laden!

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Chuck Norris once joined the Army.
That's how the motto, "An Army of One" was created.

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Human blood type is usualy 0+, A+ or AB...
Chuck Norris blood tipe is AK-47

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Before Chuck Norris can register as a soldier, all wars suddenly end.

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Chuck Norris once created a flamethrower by urinating into a lighter.

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America doesn't need a military...
We've got Chuck Norris

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Chuck Norris does not submit to homeland security, he IS homeland security.

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WHAT ARE CHUCK NORRIS JOKES ABOUT?

Chuck norris is if great topic to laugh at. Some of the funniest jokes ever are about chuck norris.

Are Chuck norris jokes funny? For sure! There is no such thing as boring chuck norris joke here. All jokes are funny in their own way. You can also read chuck norris jokes images on Pinterest or watch videos with chuck norris jokes on YouTube.

TOP DEATH JOKES THAT ARE CHUCK NORRIS

Jokes about death in Chuck Norris perspective. Either in the past time of cowboys, or in present, the Death pisses his pants when sees Chuck Norris.

Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.

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Chuck Norris can kill a man in 52 different ways using only a ballpoint pen.

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Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people, then it exploded.

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Chuck Norris's kill ratio on Call of Duty:Black Ops is infinity.

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Chuck Norris was sitting around a campfire with two cowboys.


The cowboys were competing to see which one is more hardcore.
The first one says," Once, I was charged by an angry bull. I proceeded to jump on its back and kill it by gorging its eyes out."
The second says, " Once I was swimming in a river, and an annocanda tried to strangle me. I ripped its head off with my teeth."
Chuck norris just smiles and continues tending to the campfire with his penis.

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When a Jedi dies they become part of the force, when the force dies it becomes part of Chuck Norris.

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Count from one to ten.
That's how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you... Forty seven times.

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If Chuck Norris is after you, don't bother killing yourself, he'll pull you down from heaven and kill you again.

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When Chuck Norris tries to kill himself, he always dodges the killing blow 'cause he's that awesome.

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Bruce Lee didn't die from an allergic reaction.


He died cause Chuck Norris decided to not let him live anymore.

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Chuck Norris used to be a soccer referee.


He lost the job after giving penalties to the players: Death Penalty.

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Death has a shadow... Chuck Norris

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Finally, they discovered real cause of Bruce Lee's death – extreme exhaustion from fight with Chuck Norris.

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Chuck Norris' beard can etch a sketch a picture of chuck killing a man.


When the last line is drawn, that man dies!

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Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.

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Chuck Noris once got his blood tested.
His blood type was AK-47.

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Why did satan die before judgment day, Chuck hated him.

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Chuck Norris knows who's buried in Grant's Tomb.

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Chuck Norris invented the question mark.

.. so he could say the sentence "Do you want to die slowly of fast?"

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Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people.


They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.

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Chuck Norris kills 100% of germs.

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Batman is to Robin as Chuck Norris is to Death.

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Chuck Norris was bitten by a cobra, cobra died after 5 days.

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Chuck Norris doesn't die...he just sleep in the ground for a little bit.

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Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder.


Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky.
Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."

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Chuck Norris commited suicide, and lived.

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The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-.


These are also Chuck Norris' initials.
This is not a coincidence.

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Chuck Norris actually died a while back.
Death just can't get the nerve to tell him.

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If looks could kill they would be called Chuck Norris.

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Chuck Norris was once shot.
The bullet died.

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Chuck Norris died 20 years ago, Death just hasn't built up the courage to tell him yet.

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Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11... a suicide.

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Chuck Norris was once bitten by a venomous cobra .

...
After 5 days of excrutiating pain the cobra
Eventually died

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Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure.


Chuck Norris goes killing.

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Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a tadpole and turned it into a frog, then he kicked it again and it died.

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One day Chuck Norris went into Wal Mart.


The clerk told him to have a nice day.
The next day the clerk was found dead.
The police asked Chuck Norris if he killed her and he said yes so they asked him why.
He said " Nobody tells Chuck Norris what to do"

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When Chuck Norris jumps from a building, the concrete commits suicide.

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If Chuck Norris killed Kenny, he'd stay dead.

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Chuck Norris is who killed Kenny.

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Chuck actually died four years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

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Curiosity didn't kill the cat.
Chuck Norris did.

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Somebody said that Chuck sucks, since then their severed head with many foot marks have been found.

..

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Chuck Norris invented the spoon because it's too easy to kill someone with a knife or fork.

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Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.

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Chuck Norris once strangled a man with the mans own eyelash.

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It is convenient to be near a hospital when you are injured.


It is also convenient to insult Chuck Norris while standing in an open grave.

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Chuck Norris was about to die... until the Grim Reaper phoned in sick.

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Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him, so he tracked down nothing and killed it.

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Chuck Norris is so powerful that when he goes fishing, the fish are so scared they drown.

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Chuck Norris can stare you to death while looking the other direction!

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Chuck Norris was once part of a knock knock joke.


The Joke ended abruptly when after the first knock the door blew up killing the man behind it.

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Charlie Sheen is a drug, it will melt your face and kill you.


Chuck Norris had two 8-Balls of Sheen and is now suing for false advertising.

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Chuck Norris' yawn put people in comas.

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Most leading hand sanitizers say that they can kil 99.

99% of all germs.
Chuck Norris can kill 100% of WHATEVER HE WANTS.

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Chuck Norris once killed a man in New York while practicing Bruce Lee's one inch punch.

..
Chuck Norris was in San Franscisco at the time.

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Aliens do exist.
They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

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Chuck Norris doesn't play dead for bears, bears play dead for Chuck Norris.

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Sticks and stones may break your bones but Chuck Norris' fists will kill you.

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Chuck Norris went an hour without killing... just to kill some time.

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The best part of waking up is not the Folgers in your cup, it's knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.

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Chuck Norris's tombstone will say, "He's finally taking a nap, do not wake."

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Chuck Norris can kill you as many times as he wants to.
He knows CPR.

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The last thing that you see before you die, is Chuck Norris.

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Chuck Norris actually died 10 years ago.


The grim reaper just hasn't summed up enough courage to face Chuck Norris.

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In the medical community, death is referred to as "Chuck Norris Disease".

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The truth hurts dosen't it, Chuck Norris' truth kills.

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Chuck Norris never dies.
And of course, he will also never fade away.

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Chuck Norris will never die.
The Grim Reaper is too scared to come and claim him.

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Chuck Norris Killed Medusa with a round house Kick.

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Ghosts are created when Chuck Norris kills people to fast for the grim reaper to prosses.

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The Expendables 2 is actually a documentary film showing Chuck Norris killing people.

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When Chuck Norris throws a throwing knife, the knife doesn't kill his victim, the force of the air did.

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Getting your ass kicked by Chuck Norris?
The only good news is you know when you will die.

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The original CBS Survivor series was filmed in Chuck's mansion.


No episode aired, as no one survived.

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Chuck Norris can kill a Great White Shark by drowning it.

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2PAC once thought he was tougher than Chuck Norris... he was later murdered.

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"Killed it" is a figure of speech implying someone stopped the banter.
To Chuck Norris that's just the motto of his life.

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Chuck Norris hit you tomorrow, is going to hit you yesterday, and you're now dead.

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Guns can kill, Chuck Norris does!

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Chuck Norris puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us.


The only difference is, then he kills people.

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It is better to give than to receive.
This is especially true of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

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Chuck Norris doesn't bug hunt as that signifies a probability of failure, he goes bug killing.

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Chuck Norris is proof that legends never die.

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Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean.
The tsunamis were killing people.

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Death once had a near Chuck Norris experience.

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Chuck Norris has a Roundhouse Kick button on his Facebook page, and when he deletes a friend they actually die.

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When a mime sees Chuck Norris, he makes a glass wall and pretends he's dead.

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Chuck Norris was asked to star in Night of the Living Dead but filming was ended after the zombies were to afraid to be roundhouse kicked in the face.

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In the game "Clue", the murder is always committed by Chuck Norris, with a roundhouse kick, in any room he danged well pleases.

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The only sure things are Death and Taxes…and when Chuck Norris goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.

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Chuck Norris is the meaning of life.
Too bad he's also the meaning of death.

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It takes a master to shoot a fly from a hundred Paces, but it takes a Chuck Norris to roundhouse-kick one from a thousand.

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We'll want to preserve Chuck Norris for future generations, when he dies.


We won't be needing cryogenics cos Chuck's already frozen.

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A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are:
1.

Heart disease
2. Chuck Norris
3. Cancer

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Chuck Norris's keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key because nothing controls Chuck Norris.

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Chuck Norris never has to wax his skis because they're always slick with blood.

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Where does the devil go when he dies?
He goes to Chuck Norris for an eternity of roundhouse kicks.

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The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.

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People have near-death experiences. Death has Near-Chuck-Norris experiences.

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When Death knocked on Chuck Norris’s door, Chuck Norris laughed.


Death is now Chuck Norris’s B*tch.

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TOP ANIMAL JOKES THAT ARE CHUCK NORRIS

Satirical jokes about Chuck Norris attitude towards animals.

Chuck Norris was sitting around a campfire with two cowboys.


The cowboys were competing to see which one is more hardcore.
The first one says," Once, I was charged by an angry bull. I proceeded to jump on its back and kill it by gorging its eyes out."
The second says, " Once I was swimming in a river, and an annocanda tried to strangle me. I ripped its head off with my teeth."
Chuck norris just smiles and continues tending to the campfire with his penis.

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Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats.
Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.

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According to leading scientists, the deadliest animal on the planet is the Bearded Norris.

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Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder.


Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky.
Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."

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Chuck Norris doesn't scroll with a mouse.
He uses a lion.

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Who do you think would win in a fight? Godzilla or King Kong
Neither, Chuck Norris doesn't let his pets fight!

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Chuck Norris scares cows so bad, milk comes out their nose.

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Chuck Norris once uppercut a horse and that is how the giraffe was created.

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Chuck Norris was bitten by a cobra, cobra died after 5 days.

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Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris' first visit to Tokyo.

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Chuck Norris was once so famished, he ate Turkey.
The country there now is only an impostor.

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Sharks are not living on the sea because they can't breath on continent.


They live on a sea, because Chuck Norris doesn't.

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You can lead a horse to water, but Chuck Norris can make it drink.

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When Chuck Norris was a baby he didnt have teddy bears. He had real bears.

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Curiosity didn't kill the cat.
Chuck Norris did.

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Chuck Norris doesn't get shark attacked, the shark gets Chuck Norris attacked.

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Chuck Norris invented the Giraffe when he roundhouse kicked a spotted Horse in the chin.

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The reason we are human is because Chuck roundhouse kicked a monkey into a higher species.

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Chuck Norris was once bitten by a venomous cobra .

...
After 5 days of excrutiating pain the cobra
Eventually died

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Chuck Norris once rode a bull, and nine months later it had a calf.

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When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.

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There is no theory of evolution.
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

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Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.

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Chuck Norris once rode a bull threw a China shop, the only thing that broke was the bull.

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Chuck Norris eats gummy bears and shits out grizzly bears.

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Chuck Norris can light ants on fire with a magnifying glass.
At Night.

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Chuck Norris looked Medusa straight in the eyes, and laughed.

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Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.

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Chuck Norris doesn't just bring home the bacon, he brings home the whole pig.

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Chuck Norris once wrestled a thirty foot snake, and then he realized he was just masturbating.

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On the show Man v.s Wild, when they talk about the profesionals that Bear recieves help from, they are refering to Chuck Norris.

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Q: What's the difference between Chuck Norris and a bear?
A: Chuck Norris has more chest hair.

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In India, cows wait until Chuck Norris crosses the street.

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Chuck Norris is the most feared predator on the planet.


That's why sharks have a Chuck Norris week.

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When Chuck Norris gets angry, forests explode from their own boiling sap.


When Chuck Norris laughs, flowers bloom and butterflies hatch.

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Chuck Norris and Jean-Claude Van Damme play tug a war with live annacondas.

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Chuck Norris created the platypus by roundhouse kicking a duck at a beaver.

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Cats are allergic to Chuck Norris.

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Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a tadpole and turned it into a frog, then he kicked it again and it died.

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Chuck Norris eats black holes for breakfast.
They taste like chicken.

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Racehorses have to pee like Chuck Norris.

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Chuck Norris Killed Medusa with a round house Kick.

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The snake was punished because Chuck Norris tempted it to ate the apple.

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Labradoodles were made when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked a Labrador and a Poodle at the same time.

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Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday the thirteenth.
The next day he won the lottery.

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Some say Chuck once sneezed a rhino inside out.

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Hercules strangled two snakes in his crib when he was a baby.


Chuck Norris strangled a grizzly bear moments after birth with his own umbilical cord.

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When Chuck Norris walks into a room, the mice jump on chairs.

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Chuck Norris can kill a Great White Shark by drowning it.

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Chuck Norris once won the Iditarod by pulling his team of dogs on the sled.

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Scooby Doo prefers Norris snacks'.

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Chuck Norris bit a spider once then it became Spiderman!

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Chuck Norris once had a pet monkey...his name was KING KONG

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Chuck Norris once taught a French Bulldog to be English.

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Chuck Norris was mauled by a bear once, then the bear woke up and apologized.

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Chuck Norris once round house kicked a bear while on a survival trek in Siberia.


That incident was known as the Tunguska event.

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Who would win in a fight between a bear and a lion?
Answer - neither, Chuck Norris would beat them both with a single round-house-kick.

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Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth.
Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

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It takes a master to shoot a fly from a hundred Paces, but it takes a Chuck Norris to roundhouse-kick one from a thousand.

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Chuck Norris doesn't bug hunt as that signifies a probability of failure, he goes bug killing.

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Chuck Norris can mess with the bull without getting the horns.

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Chuck Norris likes his steaks still mooing.

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Chuck Norris walks into a bar, and as he enters, notices a horse and the end of the bar with a sign on it.
Out of curiosity, he approaches the bartender and asks what the deal is with the horse at the end of the bar.
The bartender tells him: "The sign says if you can make the horse laugh you'll win $50. Take note though that hundreds of people have tried and no-one has been able to do it."
"Get out the money," says Chuck," I'll be right back."
So he walks to the end of the bar, whispers something into the horse's ear, and within seconds the horse is laughing hysterically.
"That's amazing," said the bartender.
"Tell you what, if you can make him cry I'll double your winnings."
"Get out the money," says Chuck," I'll be right back."
So Chuck walked again over to the horse, came back to the bartender 2 minutes later, and the horse was balling and sobbing like a baby.
"Well," replied Chuck Norris, "First I told him a had a bigger d*ck than he did. Then I showed him."

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Chuck Norris can make a turtle go faster.

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What does the fox say?
Whatever the hell Chuck Norris tells him to.

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Chuck Norris tangled with Wolverine.
He beat to him to a bloody pulp, then dared him to heal himself.
Wolverine will not be in the next X-Men movie.

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Fear of spiders is aracnaphobia, fear of tight spaces is chlaustraphobia, fear of Chuck Norris is called Logic

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Sharks watch Chuck Norris week.

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Sharks have a week dedicated to Chuck Norris.

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Chuck Norris can stick his hand inside a rabbit's mouth and pull out a HAT!

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If Chuck Norris were a cat he would have ten lives.

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Chuck Norris isn't a cat person but if he was, he would own 3 lions, a snow leopard, and cougar.

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Local mountain lions have been complaining about the recent string of Chuck Norris attacks.

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If it walks like a duck, talks lidek a duck, and smell like a duck but Chuck Norris says it's a girrafe. It's a damn girrafe!

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Chuck norris once killed a bear with an imaginary knife.

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Giraffes were invented when Chuck Norris laid an uppercut to a horse.

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Chuck Norris does not buy ground beef, he just takes a whole cow, runs it through his beard, and fully cooked hamburgers come out.

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The Karate Kid killed caught a fly with two chopsticks, Chuck Norris killed a rhino with one.

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Unicorns are extinct but Chuck Norris used all their horns as toothpicks.

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Chuck Norris uses live piranhas as bath toys.

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Chuck Norris once walked in the opposite direction in the Running of the Bulls.


The bulls turned around and ran for their lives.

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Chuch Norris stood next to a bear and was told he had to leave because the bear was scared.

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You know Chuck Norris' pet lizard, right?
Last I heard, he was in the movie "

Godzilla".
Oh, and his pet turtle starred in "Gamera" as well.

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The last time Chuck Norris was hungry, all the dinosaurs suddenly got extinct...

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Once, on the set of Walker Texas Ranger, a goat fell over dead.


Chuck Norris ran up to the goat and beard rubbed it back to life.

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Everybody knows that Chuck Norris can't shoot a bow even though he got 5 bullseyes in a row.


The only reason he got the bullseye is that his arrows know better than to miss.

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Some people like to eat frogs' legs.
Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs.
Hence, snakes.

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Chuck norris can eat chicken tonight tomorow.

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Using a novelty invisible dog leash and collar Chuck Norris won the Westminster Dog Show.

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It's call a Chuck Steak because Chuck just kicked that cow's butt.

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A lion once put his head inside the mouth of Chuck Norris.

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When Chuck Norris wants salmon he eats the bear too.

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Chuck Norris doesn't sleep with a teddy bear.
He sleeps with a real bear.

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Chuck Norris could stab you with a worm.

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Chuck Norris doesn't play dead for bears, bears play dead for Chuck Norris.

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Chuck Norris doesn't eat honey.
He chews bees...

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Chuck Norris won the Kentucky derby, on a Unicorn.

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If it looks like chicken tastes like chicken and smells like chicken and Chuck Norris says it's beef then it's beef.

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When Chuck Norris got stung by a bee, the Bee had an allergic reaction called Chuck Norris.

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Chuck Norris is the reason why This Little Piggy cried wee wee wee all the way home.

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TOP GAME JOKES THAT ARE CHUCK NORRIS

Jokes about Chuck Norris playing and winning games.

Chuck Norris's kill ratio on Call of Duty:Black Ops is infinity.

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Chuck Norris can play PS3 games - on PS1

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Chuck Norris throws a dodgeball at you, knocks all your teeth out.
Then the ball hits you.

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Mortal Kombat was originally called 'Ways Chuck Norris Can Kill You'.

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Chuck Norris once played with Legos.
The Ancient Egyptians still thank him for it.

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As an infant, Chuck Norris' parents gave him a toy hammer.
He gave the world Stonehenge.

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Chuck Norris can get a Black-Jack with one card.

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Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Chuck Norris beats all 3 at the same time.

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Whenever Chuck Norris rolls a 6 sided dice, he always rolls a 7.

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Chuck Norris just completed a full round of Golf... In 17 shots.

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Chuck Norris finished Minecraft.

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The first time Chuck Norris won a game of poker was when his apponant reaveled his full house;

then Chuck Norris reaveled his roundhouse.

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When Chuck Norris plays hangman, he decides what the word is.

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Chuck Norris once played himself in Russian Roulette, and he won.
No Questions asked.

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Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek."
He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

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Chuck Norris can play Pokemon Go on his landline.

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15 years ago I started a burping contest with Chuck Norris.

.. who had the longest?
I don't know he is still busy.

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Chuck Norris can finish a Super Mario game with just one arrow key.

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Chuck Norris once had a bet with the Hulk, the loser had to paint himself green.

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PlayStation network was never hacked.
Chuck Norris just decided to play one day.

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If Chuck Norris was a villian in a video game, you'll never win.


But if he was the hero, it's unplayable; because no one controls Chuck Norris.

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Notice, there are no Chuck Norris video games. They would be way too easy.

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Chuck Norris turns his game off while saving.

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Chuck Norris' favorite game is winning.

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Chuck Norris is the ultimate hide and seek player; no one dares find him.

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Chuck Norris: The Game starts directly with the ending video.

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Chuck Norris actually completed Tetris.

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Never tell Chuck Norris he lost the game because he will make you lose the game then roundhouse kick you in the face making you lose twice.

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If you use Chuck Norris in a game of Rock-Paper-Scissors, you automatically win.

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Superman and The Flash have a race around the world.
Who wins?
Chuck Norris.

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Chuck Norris finished World of Warcraft.

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Chuck Norris just checked out from 501... In 8 darts.

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Chuck Norris has 10 custom classes on Modern Warfare 2, and hes never prestiged.

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Chuck Norris caught all the 493 Pokemon...
With the Yellow version.

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Chuck Norris failed recess because he dosent play games.

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Using a novelty invisible dog leash and collar Chuck Norris won the Westminster Dog Show.

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Chuck Norris won more Olympic medals than the hole world...
Including himself.

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Chuck Norris was a pokemon card, until they took it out of the market cause the Chuck Norris card was level infinity.

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When Chuck Norris plays the game Clue, the answer is always everyone in every room with a roundhouse kick!

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Chuck Norris won one million dollars gambling playing Solitaire.

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Chuck Norris hates both the player and the game.

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Chuck Norris CAN play on broken strings.

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Chuck Norris can finish Mario Bros without using the jump button.

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Chuck Norris can finish Sims.

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Chuck Norris once starred in Wheel of Fortune.


The last twenty nine minutes were spent in an awkward silence, waiting for the wheel to stop spinning.

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Chuck Norris has only played Pacman twice, and beat the game both times.


The ghosts were too afraid to leave their little box to try to stop him.

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When Chuck Norris plays sudoku, he can put two same numbers in one square and still solve it right.

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Chuck Norris once played with Legos.
The result was The Great Pyramids.

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When Chuck Norris plays hide and seek, even google can't find him.

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Chuck Norris can win a game of scrabble using only numbers.

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For Chuck Norris, there is no such thing as gambling.
He already knows the outcome.

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Chuck Norris won a game of chess with checker pieces.

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Chuck Norris bowled a perfect game...
While using a golf ball.

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Chuck Norris reached level 51 on Oblivion.

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When Chuck Norris logged in to WoW, everyone logged out.

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Chuck Norris gave Black Ops a thumbs up and people at Microsoft a roundhouse kick in the face.

Suck it Microsoft.

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Chuck Norris once won a Poker tournament using only Pokemon cards.

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If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win.
Forever.

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Chuck Norris wrote the Assassins creed!

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When Chuck Norris was a kid he didn't play with Lincoln Logs, he built real houses.

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In the game 'Spore', The Grox are a result of Chuck Norris being allowed to create a species, but they had to be weakened to make the game possible.

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Chuck Norris can get up to level 40 in Fallout 3.

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Chuck Norris once hit 3 touchdowns during a friendly game of full-contact bowling.

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When Chuck Norris was a kid, he entered a pool bombing competition.


This place now widely known as the Niagara Falls.

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Using only a black king, Chuck Norris defeated the world-champion grand-master in chess.

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Mortal Kombat is not difficult enough for Chuck Norris, so he got Immortal Kombat.

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In the game "Clue", the murder is always committed by Chuck Norris, with a roundhouse kick, in any room he danged well pleases.

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Chuck Norris beat Super Mario Galaxie 2 in the big dipper... before Nintendo was invented.

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Chuck Norris didn't survive the first night in Minecraft, the first night survived Chuck Norris.

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Chuck Norris can play a PS3 with a Super Nintendo controller, and it works!

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Chuck Norris can solve the Towers of Hanoi in one move.

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Chuck Norris can win a game of 'Connect 4' in 3 turns.

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If Charlie Sheen is winning, it's only because Chuck Norris isn't playing.

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Chuck Norris once won a game of Space Invaders without shooting.

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There are 5 known levels of Super-Saiyan.


Achieving the 6th level is known as "Going Chuck Norris."

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It has been said that if you name any custom class in Call of Duty "

Chuck Norris" you will instantly win every match you set foot in.

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Stores accept Monopoly money from Chuck Norris.

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When Chuck Norris played the card game War with a friend, France surrendered.

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Chuck Norris can win at solitaire with only 18 cards.

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Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death, he beats it fair and square.

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Chuck Norris doesn't play computer games,the computer plays Chuck Norris games.

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Chuck Norris can win a game of chess by saying "Yahtzee!"

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Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

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Chuck Norris once rolled a dice.
It landed on tails.

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The Matrix is a game on Chuck Norris' PS3.

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Chuck Norris could play cd-based games on his Nintendo 64.

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Chuck Norris can press "Pause" on reality.

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For Chuck Norris...
In the game Monopoly every space is free parking.

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Chuck Norris already has Final Fantasy XXI.

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Chuck norris plays frisbee with his retinas.

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Chuck Norris once won a chess game after losing his king

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TOP FOOD JOKES THAT ARE CHUCK NORRIS

Jokes about Chuck Norris eating and drinking habits, along with his favorite to eat foods and drinks.

Chuck Norris can make a pound cake with only an ounce.

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Before sliced bread, people used to say "That's the greatest thing since Chuck Norris".

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Chuck Norris put corns in the Milky Way and eat them at his breakfast.

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Chuck Norris and Hitler were sitting in a cafe.


Chuck said, "I don't like the juice."
Hitler heard him wrong.

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When Chuck Norris wants salad, he eats a vegetarian.

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Chuck Norris can get a Pepsi out of a Coke machine.

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Chuck Norris can pour a pancake so thin that it only has one side.

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Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder.


Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky.
Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."

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Chuck Norris can turn a vegan into a cannibal.

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Chuck Norris scares cows so bad, milk comes out their nose.

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Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.

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The cake is a lie, Chuck Norris is THE TRUTH.

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If Chuck Norris was here in the Philippines, there would be no hostage crisis.


He eats hostage-takers for breakfast!

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There is no use crying over split milk, unless it's Chuck Norris' milk.

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Chuck norris once ate a rubix cube and pooped it out solved.

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Chuck Norris was once so famished, he ate Turkey.
The country there now is only an impostor.

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Chuck Norris eats black holes for breakfast.
They taste like chicken.

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When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.

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Chuck Norris does not need pressure cookers.
The food cooks itself out of pressure.

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Chuck Norris is the only one that can turn lemonade into lemons.

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Chuck Norris shot an arrow down with an apple.

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Chuck Norris eats blackholes as light snacks.

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When Chuck Norris cuts onions, the onins cry.

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When Chuck Norris opens a bottle of coke happiness runs away screaming.

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When Chuck Norris bakes cookies for his enemies, he adds his own secret ingredient to make a special taste to it. Its called "defeat".

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Chuck Norris once soaked his beard in carbonated water.
The result is now sold as Red Bull.

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Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking... because the Rock is Chuck Norris' personal chef.

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Chuck Norris puts all of his baskets in one egg.

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Chuck Norris can peel an orange with his eyelids, but he rarely needs Vitamin C.

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The smoothie was invented when Chuck Norris needed information from a banana.

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Chuck Norris boils an egg by holding it.

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Chuck Norris once lost the remote, but maintained control of the TV by yelling at it in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich.

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When Chuck Norris eats dinner at a restaurant, the wait staff tips him.

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Chuck Norris once squeezed an M&M so hard that it turned into a Skittle.

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Chuck Norris knows what's eating Gilbert Grape.

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It's call a Chuck Steak because Chuck just kicked that cow's butt.

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When Chuck Norris opens a bag of Doritos, it's fucking full!

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Chuck Norris once won the title of Iron Chef by cooking instant ramen noodles.

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Chuck Norris can put 13 eggs in a dozen carton.

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Chuck Norris doesn't eat honey.
He chews bees...

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Chuck Norris once gave a man an apple.
Today that man is known as Steve Jobs.

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Chuck Norris can turn toast back into bread.

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Chuck Norris doesn't take the cake, the cake sees Chuck Norris and begs to be devoured.

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Chuck Norris invented hot sauce.
To put on his peppers.

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If it looks like chicken tastes like chicken and smells like chicken and Chuck Norris says it's beef then it's beef.

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If it were true that you are what you eat.
Then you are about to be a roundhouse kick.

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Chuck Norris likes his coffee half and half: half coffee grounds, half wood-grain alcohol.

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The snake was punished because Chuck Norris tempted it to ate the apple.

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If Chuck Norris were an Adam's Apple, he'd be in your throat right now.

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Lays chips claims "No one can eat just one".
Wrong.
Chuck Norris ate ONE, laughed then ate a whole bag of Doritos.

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Chuck Norris can have his cake and eat yours too.

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The secret ingredient in the KFC recipe is Chuck Norris' approval.

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Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant.
The steak did what it was told.

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Coffee doesn't wake up Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris wakes coffee up.

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Chuck Norris really can get chicken from a tuna can.

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The phrase "Just a second" comes from the time it takes for Chuck Norris to heat up a cup of coffee.

.. with his breath.

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Chuck Norris doesn't use a coffee maker, he puts the coffee beans in his mouth and boils them with his rage.

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Chuck Norris once made an omelette from a FabergΓ© egg.

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Every morning Chuck Norris eats a bowl of nails for Breakfast... without milk.

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Usain Bolt only began running when he heard, Chuck Norris was in Jamaica shooting a commercial for Red Bull.

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Not only CAN Chuck have his cake and eat it too, he WILL.

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Chuck Norris has his own protien powder.


The ingriedients include: cocoa powder, stem cells, dodo egg protien, enriched uranium, LSD, and Vin Diesel.

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Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices.


But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.

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Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice from a banana.

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Chuck Norris was hungry so he went to eat a hotdog.


When he saw it giggled and said: "What a bad luck! Look what a part of a dog I've to eat!"

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Chuck Norris's favourite drink is diamond juice, which he squeezes out of raw diamonds with his bare hands.

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For breakfast Chuck Norris enjoys toast and jellyfish.

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Chuck Norris likes his steaks still mooing.

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When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul.

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Chuck Norris can eat peanut butter with a straw.

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Bacons' favorite smell is Chuck Norris.

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Chuck Norris's version of a "chocolate milkshake" is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel.

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Chuck Norris can unscramble eggs.

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Spilled milk cries over Chuck Norris.

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Chuck Norris can eat rice with one chop stick.

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Every resturant has a drive thru when you're riding shotgun with Chuck Norris.

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Chuck Norris can toast bread in a freezer.

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Chuck Norris dropped the apple on Isaac Newtons Head.

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Chuck Norris can eat food while his mouth is closed.

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Chuck Norris doesnt eat lunch, he drinks dinner.

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Superman is weakened when exposed to Kryptonite.


Chuck Norris eats Kryptonite for breakfast without even a belch.

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When Chuck Norris makes a burrito, its main ingredient is real toes.

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Chuck Norris once ate four 30lb bowling balls without chewing.

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Chuck Norris eats lightning and shits out thunder.

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Chuck Norris does not buy ground beef, he just takes a whole cow, runs it through his beard, and fully cooked hamburgers come out.

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Chuck Norris eats granite and drinks lava for his lunch.

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Wheaties is the breakfast of champions, not for Chuck Norris.


He eats Chucky Charms, which contains diamonds, sulfuric acid, and radioactive uranium.

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If Chuck Norris ever opened a restaurant, the only thing on the menu would be knuckle sandwiches and eye of roundhouse steaks.

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The last time Chuck Norris was hungry, all the dinosaurs suddenly got extinct...

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Chuck Norris does not eat.
Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris' fists is inside his own body.

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Some people like to eat frogs' legs.
Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs.
Hence, snakes.

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Chuck Norris ate once at Hard Rock Cafe.
It's now called Shakey's.

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Chuck Norris doesn't pick up his food to eat it.
He commands it to enter his mouth.

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Chuck norris can eat chicken tonight tomorow.

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Chuck Norris, not Duke, stole the recipie for Bush's Baked Beans.

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TOP CELEBRITY JOKES THAT ARE CHUCK NORRIS

Chuck Norris kicking ass of celebrities like Justin Bieber, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Tom Cruise, along with fictional characters like Superman, Spider-man, Batman, James Bond and Rambo.

Chuck Norris has proven Newton's third law of physics, there is no force equal to a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick.

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The Mona Lisa is smiling because Chuck Norris let her live.

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The wrecking ball in the Miley Cyrus video isn'

t a wrecking ball it's one of Chuck Norris testicles.

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Bruce Lee didn't die from an allergic reaction.


He died cause Chuck Norris decided to not let him live anymore.

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Osama Bin Laden is hiding from Chuck Norris.

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Chuck Norris gives Freddy Krueger nightmares.

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The only reason Osama Bin Laden is dead is because they finally let Chuck Norris into Pakistan...

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Chuck Norris and Justin Bieber once had a singing contest, the loser had to never hit puberty.

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Chuck Norris does Rachel Marron's work.

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Voldemort refers to Chuck Norris as he who shall not be named.

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Chuck Norris has heard the actual voice of Charlie Brown's teacher...

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Obama's health care plan won't cover injuries caused by a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to the face.


Nobody would survive anyway.

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Voldemort once ran into Chuck Norris.
He is now known as Harry Potter.

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CBS hired Chuck Norris to replace Charlie Sheen, now the show is called Ten and half Men.

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Chuck Norris once appeared on celebrity wipeout.


They had to end the season after he destroyed the sucker punch wall with his chin.

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Chuck Norris, Mr T and Arnold Swieznigger died in a plane crash they got to heavens door way and god asked them what there business is. Arnold replied "I want to be your right hand man".
Mr T said "I wanna be your left hand man".
Chuck Norris said "get the fuck out of my chair".

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Superman's weakness isn't kryptonite, it's obvious who it is...

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Chuck Norris occasionally smokes large cigars.
The last one was called the Hindenburg.

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Uri Geller bends spoons with his mind, Chuck Norris bends minds with a spoon.

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Chuck Norris and Jean-Claude Van Damme play tug a war with live annacondas.

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Spider-man can crawl on walls and ceilings, Chuck Norris can crawl on water.

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Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet.


The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.

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Chuck Norris is allowed to draw pictures of Mohammad.

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Eminem says "I'm not afraid".
Chuck Norris says "I love the way you lie"

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There were 3 people on a boat, Chuck Norris, Jesus, and the Penelope, Jesus said
"

I bet I can walk across the water."
He did, Chuck Norris tried, he did, the Penelope said
"They did it that means I do it." ,
He tried, he sank, Jesus said: "Should I have told him about the rocks?"
Chuck Norris said "What rocks?"

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Bruce Wayne first tried wearing a Chuck Norris mask to inspire fear, until he saw himself in the mirror.
He immediately changed to the Batman

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Newton's 3rd Law never applies to Chuck Norris.

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Steve Austin had to be rebuilt as the Six Million Dollar Man after he looked Chuck Norris in the eye, shook his hand and then went weak at the knees.

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Superman and The Flash have a race around the world.
Who wins?
Chuck Norris.

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Elvis Presley, Richard Petty, Budweiser, and Michael Jackson all call Chuck Norris "

The King".

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Chuck Norris is the reason why Mickey mouse talks like that.

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Kim Kardashian use to be 8 feet tall until Chuck Norris uppercut both her feet and that is why her ass is so big.

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Chuck Norris sleeps with his gun over his pillow.

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Chuck Norris ate once at Hard Rock Cafe.
It's now called Shakey's.

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Insurance never covers you against damage sustained by Chuck Norris, as it'

s classed as an Act of God!

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Bruce Lee is the only person that lived from a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris.


He died a year later.

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Jason Bourne fought Chuck Norris but he can't remember because now he has amnesia.

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Jason Bourne is Chuck Norris' daughter...

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Chuck Norris once shook a pirates hand.
That pirate is now known as Captain Hook

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Everybody loves Raymond. Except for Chuck Norris.

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When Bruce Banner's angry he turn into the Hulk.
When the Hulk's angry he turns into Chuck Norris

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Superman got his powers when Chuck Norris sneezed on him.

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Q: What does Superman, Batman, and Ironman have in common?
A: When they were kids they wanted to be Chuck Norris

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When Teddy Rosavelt said there is nothing to fear but fear itself he obiously hadn't met Chuck Norris.

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Chuck Norris can block Mark Zuckerberg's Facebook account.

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Chuck Norris once gave a man an apple.
Today that man is known as Steve Jobs.

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If Chuck Norris appears in your dream, don't panic, he is only looking for Freddy Krueger.

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Chuck Norris once separated his powers into five people, they are now called The Avengers.

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Not even Houdini can escape from Chuck Norris.

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Justin Timberlake didn't bring sexy back Chuck Norris did.

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Chuck Norris is the reason why George Michael is never gonna dance again.

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Stevie Wonder was the last person to stare Chuck Norris directly in the eyes...

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Darth Vader wears a Chuck Norris mask for Halloween.

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Chuck Norris once encountered the men in black and he still remembers it.

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When Chuck Norris was a kid he saw a fat chick, he roundhouse kicked her so hard she transformed.


She is now known as Britney Spears.

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Chuck Norris is the reason why Professor X is on a wheelchair.

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Chuck Norris told Anne Robinson she was the weakest link and made her leave the stage.

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Lehman Brothers owed Chuck Norris a fiver.
When he asked for payback, well, you know the rest.

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Usain Bolt only began running when he heard, Chuck Norris was in Jamaica shooting a commercial for Red Bull.

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A man once insulted Chuck Norris by saying he was smarter than him.
That man was Stephen Hawking.

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Chuck Norris became famous when he coached the American rugby and America won the fifa world cup.

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Chuck Norris once donated blood to a man, hes' known as Super Man.

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Leonardo DiCaprio had to ask permission from Chuck Norris to say the famous line "I'm the king of the world."

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Harry Potter needs 8 movies to seek and destroy Voldemort.
Chuck Norris needs 4 seconds.

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If Charlie Sheen is winning, it's only because Chuck Norris isn't playing.

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Chuck Norris was supposed to play the lead role in Mission: Impossible.


He was replaced by Tom Cruise because the tittle wouldn't make any sense.

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Arnold Schwarzenegger always says he'll be back.


But Chuck Norris always handles things the first time

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Charlie Sheen winning?
Chuck Norris says "I think not."

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When Chuck Norris talks, E.F. Hutton listens.

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Chuck Norris is the reason why Einstein's theory of relativity is still a theory.

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James Bond's license to kill was approved by Chuck Norris.

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When Superman wants vacation time it has to be approved by Chuck Norris.

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Wolverine has been called indestructible because of his adamantium skeleton.

.. until Chuck Norris broke every bone in his body.

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Rambo is simply Chuck Norris disguised as Sylvester Stalone playing tag.

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Leonardo DiCaprio only starred in Inception because if he didn't, Chuck Norris will enter his dream and roundhouse kick him into limbo.

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Goku and Superman once had a baby his name is Chuck Norris.

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Angelina Jolie can curve a bullet. Chuck Norris can curve a laser.

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If you rate this kickass, then Chuck Norris WILL roundhouse kick Justin Bieber's ass.

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Chuck Norris made Ellen Degeneres straight.

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Ozzy Ozbourne once bit the head off a bat.

Not one to be outdone, Chuck Norris bit the head off Batman!

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Freddy Krueger has nightmares of Chuck Norris

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Voldemort refers to Chuck Norris as "You Know Who."

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Rocky Balboa was a lucky man because Chuck Norris didn't pursue a boxing carreer.

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Bill Gates once asked Chuck Norris to be his personal body guard for an hour, he couldn't afford it.

..

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Chuck Norris killed Heath Ledger... nobody ruins the image of cowboys and lives.

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Chuck Norris roundhoused some wannabe cop named Agent Sasevel so hard that it rearranged the letters of his name to Steven Seagal.

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Charles isn't in charge.
Chuck is!

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James Bond was trained by Chuck Norris, as his butler.

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Columbus may have discovered America, but after a conversation with Chuck Norris it was decided, Chuck Norris discovered America.

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CONCLUSION

Funniest of 2214 Chuck Norris Jokes. Funny facts, rules, memes, satirical factoids about the actor and famous film star Chuck Norris. As martial artist he is well known with his toughness, attitude, virility, sophistication, and masculinity.

You've read some of the best chuck norris jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of puns about chuck norris. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty chuck norris gags to your kids.

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