Christmas Shopping Jokes

54 christmas shopping jokes and hilarious christmas shopping puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about christmas shopping that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Christmas Shopping Short Jokes

Short christmas shopping jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The christmas shopping humour may include short holiday shopping jokes also.

  1. I ate an entire pack of rohypnol last night and it didn't even affect me... Anyway, gotta go. I need to do some last minute Christmas shopping.
  2. Why is it so hard to shop for Darth Vader for Christmas? Because he can feel your presents.
  3. I just saved a ton of money on my Christmas shopping by expressing my political views on facebook.
  4. I went to buy a Christmas tree the other day, and the shop assistant said "Are you thinking if putting it up yourself?" I said "no, i was thinking the living room".
  5. Soon be Christmas... WHO SAYS doing Christmas shopping early avoids the crush? Last year, I did mine a full 12 months in advance, and the shops were just as busy as ever.
  6. I was Christmas shopping the other day and I saw a brass band, with dribble underneath all of their instruments Turns out it was the Salivation Army
  7. Why do the Autobots do their Christmas shopping at night? Because that's when they get pajamas on Prime.
    It's okay, even I would downvote this.
  8. When I went shopping for a christmas tree last year... ... the guy asked "are you gonna put it up yourself?" and I said "no, I was thinking the livingroom"
  9. Last week, I told my grandpa that Amazon is the best place for Christmas shopping. He just called me from Brazil.
  10. I said to my Grandma, You don't have that many days left Before the big Christmas shopping rush, so buy my stuff right away!

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Christmas Shopping One Liners

Which christmas shopping one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with christmas shopping? I can suggest the ones about window shopping and clothes shopping.

  1. Yo momma, Gramma and sister were Christmas shopping... Santa saw them and laughed.
  2. If anyone is Christmas shopping for me... I take a size large in student loans.
  3. Where does Jona Lewie do his Christmas shopping? Deba-Debenhams
  4. Why does Ron Artest do his Christmas shopping early? He likes to beat the crowd.
  5. Alright christmas shopping is all done! For 2017
  6. Today is the day I leave my wife. To go Christmas shopping.
  7. Where does the pirate shop for his kid for Christmas? Toys Arrrrrrrrrrr Us
  8. I went Christmas shopping at Best Buy...

Delightful Fun Christmas Shopping Jokes for a Roaring Good Time

What funny jokes about christmas shopping you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean women shopping jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make christmas shopping pranks.

I am one bottle of shower gel away from being able to open my own Christmas gift shop in my shower.

Stamping out intolerance

A woman walks into the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
What denomination? asks the shop assistant.
Oh, good heavens. Have we really come to this? says the woman. I guess I'll take 50 Catholic and 50 Anglican.

Dad told me this one

This guy went Christmas shopping for his daughter. She said she wanted a Barbie. Typical right? Well he went to the toy store and went looking for a couple Barbies. He grabbed the Malibu Barbie, Katniss Barbie and the holland Barbie. As he was leaving the isle he saw a divorce Barbie. It had a $299 price tag so he asked the lady why is this one so much more than the rest. And the lady replied, "we'll for starters it comes with kens cars, kens house and kens testicals on a keychain."

The guy was in the store buying a fake Christmas tree.

The shop attendant asked him, "Are you going to put that tree up yourself?"
The guy replied, "Don't be disgusting! I'm going to put it in the living room!"

Who says men don't remember?

A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping center was packed , and as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and so she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop."
He replied, "Well, I'm in the pub next door."

Christmas in July

A guy wants to get a really unique gift for his new wife for their fist Christmas together so he walks into a pet store with a sign advetising an amazing singing parrot. He goes to the counter to explain his situation and inquires about the bird. The shop keeper explains the bird would be perfect and takes the man over to show him what the bird can do.
The shop keeper explains that the bird's name is Chet and that he works on cues then produces a book of matches from his pocket. Lighting one he holds it below the parrots right foot and immediately Chet begins to sing "Silent Night" so beuatiful it rivals Perry Como. The keeper then moves the match to the left foot and Chet begans singing "White Christmas" even more beautifully than the first song.
The man exclaims "Thats amazing, does he know any other songs?"
Oh yes, replies the shop keeper as he moves the match to between the birds legs..."Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire"

It was Christmas day.....

and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,"What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant.
"That's no offense", said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened."

I'm going to do my Christmas shopping in Missouri.

I hear the deals are so hot the stores are practically on fire!

Dang squirrels

There once was a town that was infested with squirrels. They were everywhere and got into everything. The people of the town hated it especially the miller, the blacksmith, and the priest.
One day the miller decides that enough is enough and lays out some poisoned four to kill the s**... things off. Well his apprentice mixed up the flours and he ended up having to throw out his whole stock of flour and the squirrels remained
Seeing how badly his friend had blundered with his antics, the blacksmith thinks he has a better idea. "I'll roast'm out" he says to himself and proceeds to make his forge extremely hot.... and ends up burning his shop to the ground. the squirrels remained.
The priest being fed up with the squirrels running around and ruining mass gathers up all the squirrels in one place and baptizes every one of them. Now they only come to the church on Christmas and Easter.

Husband and wife go Christmas shopping

A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.
The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up…
"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.
"Well I am in the bar next to that."

Wife and I were watching a re-run of ALF.

There's a kid in the oncology ward and a couple of people talking in the hallway outside his room. One says to the other "What do you tell a kid who won't live until Christmas?"
My wife says "Shop early!"
Yep, that's why I married her.

I recently bought a Christmas tree at a shop...

The man at the cashier said to me "Are you going to put that up yourself?"
I replied to him in disgust saying "No, that is disgusting! I'm going to put it up in my living room."

Christmas Shopping

Bob and Sue were in a local shopping center just before Christmas.

Sue suddenly noticed that Bob was missing, and as they had a lot to do, she called him on his cell phone. Sue asked, "Bob, where are you? You know we have lots to do."

Bob said, "Do you remember the jewelry store we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with a diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time, and I said that one day I would get it for you."

Little tears started to flow down Sue's cheek, and she got all choked up. "Yes, I do remember that shop," she replied.

"Well, I'm at the h**... next to that."

They were selling tampons with tinsel on at the shop today...

... they were for the Christmas period.

Went to the local videogame shop to buy my nephew a decent fighting game for christmas...

Tried to find mortal kombat but they were all Tekken.

A woman is taken to court...

The judge asks, "What were you charged for?"
The women replied, "Doing my Christmas shopping too early."
When the judge asked her how early, she said, "Before the store opened."

Went shopping this afternoon.

Good deed done today.
This afternoon at the Morrisons check out I was behind an old lady in the queue. Her bill came to £56.83 but when she counted out all her change and she only had just under £50. I thought she was probably someone's Nan and I'd like to think someone would have helped my Nan out when she was alive.
She didn't want me to help her but I insisted...................and in no time we had all her shopping back on the shelves...
Have a great Christmas! :)

It was Christmas Eve and my wife came home after a busy day of shopping...

As we were getting undressed for bed, I noticed a mark on the inside of her leg.
"What's that?" I asked.
"I went to a tattoo parlor today and on the inside of one leg, I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas' and on the inside of the other one, they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'"
Perplexed, I asked, "Why did you do that?"
"Well..." she replied. "Now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years."

I was Christmas shopping for a friend's daughter... I asked what she was into and he said "anything Frozen".

So, I got her a bag of peas and some pizza rolls.

So apparently shops are now selling tampons with bells on.

Must be just be for the Christmas period.

I went into a toy store to do some early Christmas shopping and asked the assistant, "Where are the Schwarzenegger dolls?"

He said, "Aisle B, back."

I went shopping for Christmas...

I walked into a toy store to do some early Christmas shopping and asked the assistant, "Where are the Schwarzenegger dolls?"
He said: Aisle B, back.

I went into a toy store for some Christmas shopping and asked the clerk, "Where are the Schwarzenegger action figures?"

He said: "Aisle B, back."

If anyone is shopping for Christmas presents for me...

I wear a size 7 day Caribbean cruise.

How is Santa able to get his personal Christmas shopping done so quickly?

He gets it right off the elf.

I like it when my wife makes Christmas shopping easy.

This year she said she wants a gun, Duct tape, some rope, and a large sturdy bag. Can't wait to see what she gets me

Have ever seen a bunch of people running through a mall to the stores to do Christmas shopping like an angry mob?

Now that's the REAL Nightmare Before Christmas.

This guy was shopping in town with his wife on Christmas Eve.

They got separated so she called him on his phone and said: "Where are you?" The guy said, "Do you remember that little jewelry store we went to last year where you saw the diamond bracelet that you loved but I didn't have enough money to buy it?" She said "Yes! Yes! I remember!" So the guy said, "I'm in the bar next door to that place having a beer."

One Christmas Eve, a man and his wife were shopping in town and became separated...

The woman called him on her cell phone and said, "Where are you?" The guy said, "Remember that little jewelry store we went into last year and you found that diamond necklace that you wanted, but I couldn't afford to buy it for you?" The woman was overcome with emotion and said "Yes, yes ... I remember." And the guy said "I'm in the bar next door to that store having a beer."

jokes about christmas shopping