Still I suppose it was my fault for marrying her.
For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia
Me: *sipping toast* why?
FML, now I'm stuck taking care of a puppy.
Because
OCT 31 = DEC 25
I bought him a new trampoline for Christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.
Because it's cheaper than chemotherapy.
So far she's getting a McChicken.
GLOVES! Nah, just kidding... He still hasn't unwrapped his present.
I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
^([I stole this from imgur comments, but I am posting it here so that you can use it today and tomorrow on people you dislike. Merry Christmas.])
He said, It's May.
Sorry. , I replied, May I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?
So far, she's only getting a McChicken.
Mother: "because it's cheaper than chemotherapy.."
I'll just get a turkey next year like normal.
When you see really nice ones, you have to ask if they are real or fake.
They feel a slight precipitation.
"I think it's raining," says the man.
"No, it's snowing," replies the woman.
"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"
"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
The man turns to his wife with a smile. See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.
Because the rest of the letters are not-E.
So far, his roommate is getting a PS4. He's getting nothing.
I fucking hate prison.
It's the little things that count
COOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The guy was in the store buying a fake Christmas tree. The shop attendant asked him, "Are you going to put that tree up yourself?"
The guy replied, "Don't be disgusting! I'm going to put it in the living room!"
I thought it was a great trade.
Depends, what is yours?
And people already have their lights up!
I haven't worn it yet.
I told my new girlfriend that my mother was very hard of hearing and that she should speak loud and slow. I told my mother that my girlfriend was mentally challenged and to please be polite.
I'm looking forward to Christmas dinner.
my so-so grandmother got me socks
I guess they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
Merry Christmas to you too, Team Snapchat
He felt his presents…
Because he was on the Nautilus...
She has no idea what it is, but she knows what you can do with it.
Swim, ride, hike, dance, play tennis, ...
I guess they don't wanna hear about how the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful.
Oops, wrong thread
HEY! So what did you get for Christmas? The second little boy pauses and says well I got a gift card and a t-shirt…you?
The first little boy excitedly replies Oh man, I got a new scooter, a new 3DS XL. A PS Vita. A new bike and were going to Disneyland on Friday. Can't believe all you got was a gift card and t-shirt! to which the second little boy replies well…at least I don't have cancer…
Cuz Jesus was raised in a barn!
Merry Christmas everyone!
I replied, "No, you sick fuck. I'll be putting it up in my living room."
And people already have their decorations up.
Fortunately they missed.
Because Oct31 = Dec25
The church doesn't want to kill the rats so they trap them and release them far away, but the next day they are back.
Next they try ask them politely to leave, still they won't budge.
Finally the priest has one last idea, he baptized all the rats.
Now they only come at Christmas and Easter.
They both have ornamental balls
I said, "No, I'll probably put it in the living room"
I really should have invested in one of those carbon monoxide detectors.
Boss: It's May.
Me: Sorry, may I have a few days off before Christmas?
"Between you and me, I think something's up."
I'm slightly tipsy, this is probably a terrible joke. Merry Christmas!
because Santa didn't come.
Gloves.
Just kidding, he's still trying to open his present.
When they were done the artist asked why she wanted these tattoos.
She replied, "My husband always complains that there's nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."
No you sick fuck, I'm putting it up in the living room.
They're due back at the library today.
Gee, you knit?
Couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
Now I'm fucking stuck taking care of a puppy.
He felt his presents.
That way if she doesnt like the shoes she can go fuck herself.
All these assholes have their decorations up already.
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Anyway, gotta go. I need to do some last minute Christmas shopping.
Because all the other letters were "not E"
He got me a toaster.
Because Rudolph is the only deer leader at Christmas.
Now, while I am happy with the gift, I guess they didn`t quite understand what I meant when I told them, "I wanna watch".
the rich guy said, "I got my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring, so if she doesn't like the fur at least she'll have the ring." The poor guy said, "I got my wife a bathrobe and a dildo. If she doesn't like the robe, she can go fuck herself!"
Only two more sleeps until christmas.
They start to feel some light precipitation
"I think it's raining" says the man
"No it's snowing" replies the woman.
"How about we ask this communist officer here?" "He is always right" exclaims the man.
"Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"
"Definitely raining" officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
The man turns to his wife and says.
"See? Rudolph the red knows rain, dear"
If she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself
Gloves.
Nah, I'm just kidding. He hasn't opened it yet.
I went to the garden center today and bought a freshly-cut Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me, Will you be putting that up yourself?
I replied, No, you sick fuck. I'll be putting it up in my living room.
...shame really, they would have loved a kitten.
Her father was being a prick and wouldn't let us sleep together, which is a shame, because he is a real good looking guy.
He couldn't find the right words to thank me.
I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents.
It's Christmas, Eve.
A Wii fit
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