Christmas Jokes

Following is our collection of easter puns and christmas gifts one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Christmas jokes for adults, dirty holiday jokes and clean knotty dad gags for kids.

The Best Christmas Puns

Dear Satan, for Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.

Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas

Me: *sipping toast* why?

I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas...

FML, now I'm stuck taking care of a puppy.

Christmas joke, I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas...

Why do programmers get confused between Halloween and Christmas?

Because
OCT 31 = DEC 25

Darth Vader: Luke, I know what you're getting for Christmas.

Luke: How?
Darth Vader: I felt your presents.


My Son is such a c**t...

I bought him a new trampoline for Christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.

Mom, why am I getting Christmas gifts in July?

Because it's cheaper than chemotherapy.

Christmas joke, Mom, why am I getting Christmas gifts in July?

My wife doesn't know this, but I put a dollar in an envelope every time we have sex. This is all I'm spending for her Christmas present.

So far she's getting a McChicken.

What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?

GLOVES! Nah, just kidding... He still hasn't unwrapped his present.

I bought my son a fridge for Christmas.

I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

I asked my boss, Can I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?

He said, It's May.

Sorry. , I replied, May I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?


When Christmas was coming up, my kids asked for a puppy. When I got them one, they cried for days...

I'll just get a turkey next year like normal.

A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve

They feel a slight precipitation.


"I think it's raining," says the man.



"No, it's snowing," replies the woman.


"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"


"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.


The man turns to his wife with a smile. See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.

Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get Christmas presents?

Because the rest of the letters are not-E.

For Christmas, I bought my wife new beads for her abacus

It's the little things that count

What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?

COOOAAAALLL!!!

Christmas joke, What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?

The guy was in the store buying a fake Christmas tree.

The shop attendant asked him, "Are you going to put that tree up yourself?"

The guy replied, "Don't be disgusting! I'm going to put it in the living room!"

This Christmas, I got a new car for my wife

I thought it was a great trade.

What's Hillary Clinton's favorite Christmas carol?

Depends, what is yours?


It's 364 days until christmas.

And people already have their lights up!

For Christmas my mum bought me a t-shirt saying, "I'm a nudist."

I haven't worn it yet.

Bringing her home to meet mother

I told my new girlfriend that my mother was very hard of hearing and that she should speak loud and slow. I told my mother that my girlfriend was mentally challenged and to please be polite.
I'm looking forward to Christmas dinner.

my great grandmother got me a ps4 for christmas

my so-so grandmother got me socks

My lesbian neighbors got me a Rolex for Christmas

I guess they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.

Someone actually wished me Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to you too, Team Snapchat

How did Darth Vader know what Obi-Wan Kenobi was getting for Christmas?

He felt his presents…

Why didn't Captain Nemo get any Christmas presents?

Because he was on the Nautilus...

My 5 year old daughter wants a Tampon for Christmas

She has no idea what it is, but she knows what you can do with it.
Swim, ride, hike, dance, play tennis, ...

I got yelled at in LA today for singing Christmas Carols.

I guess they don't wanna hear about how the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful.

I kept pulling the string from my Christmas hat and now its half the size

Oops, wrong thread

A little boy calls his best friend on Christmas day...

HEY! So what did you get for Christmas? The second little boy pauses and says well I got a gift card and a t-shirt…you?

The first little boy excitedly replies Oh man, I got a new scooter, a new 3DS XL. A PS Vita. A new bike and were going to Disneyland on Friday. Can't believe all you got was a gift card and t-shirt! to which the second little boy replies well…at least I don't have cancer…

You know why the gates of heaven are always left open?

Cuz Jesus was raised in a barn!

I can't believe christmas is 364 days away...

And people already have their decorations up.

My parents tried to surprise me with a car this Christmas...

Fortunately they missed.

A church has a rat problem

The church doesn't want to kill the rats so they trap them and release them far away, but the next day they are back.
Next they try ask them politely to leave, still they won't budge.
Finally the priest has one last idea, he baptized all the rats.

Now they only come at Christmas and Easter.

I bought a christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.

I said, "No, I'll probably put it in the living room"

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse...

I really should have invested in one of those carbon monoxide detectors.

Me: Can I have a few extra days off before Christmas?"

Boss: It's May.

Me: Sorry, may I have a few days off before Christmas?

My girlfriend left me 6 weeks ago because she thinks I'm immature. Now I'm all alone on Christmas day and crying my eyes out

because Santa didn't come.

What did the handless boy get for Christmas?

Gloves.

Just kidding, he's still trying to open his present.

A soccer mom walked into a tattoo parlor and asked for a Christmas tree on her left thigh and a turkey on the right thigh.

When they were done the artist asked why she wanted these tattoos.


She replied, "My husband always complains that there's nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

Totally sick of idiots letting fireworks off early, it's still October for goodness sake!!!

Dog is going mad and keeps knocking the Christmas tree over!

To all those that received a book from me for a Christmas present

They're due back at the library today.

What did 50 cent say to his grandma when she gave him a scarf for Christmas?

Gee, you knit?

Heard they weren't celebrating Christmas at the University of Alabama...

Couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

Why is Christmas just like your job?

You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

I ate an entire pack of rohypnol last night and it didn't even affect me...

Anyway, gotta go. I need to do some last minute Christmas shopping.

Why was the letter E the only letter to get Christmas gifts?

Because all the other letters were "not E"

I asked my husband for a bath bomb for Christmas

He got me a toaster.


Why did Kim Jong-il die a week before December 25th?



Because Rudolph is the only deer leader at Christmas.

I received a rolex for Christmas from the lesbian couple who live next door.

Now, while I am happy with the gift, I guess they didn`t quite understand what I meant when I told them, "I wanna watch".

Whats the best thing about being a meth addict?

Only two more sleeps until christmas.

What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?

Gloves.


Nah, I'm just kidding. He hasn't opened it yet.

Just been up in the loft getting the Christmas tree down, and I found a present from last year which we must have forgotten to give to the kids...

...shame really, they would have loved a kitten.

I bought my Dad a cheap dictionary for Christmas.

He couldn't find the right words to thank me.

Christmas always sucked when I was a kid...

I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents.

What did Adam say to Eve on Christmas?

It's Christmas, Eve.

What did the Scottish epileptic boy get for Christmas?

A Wii fit

A mother walks in on her son playing with his privates.

"Oh no..."

"What's wrong"

"Those soldiers were gonna be your Christmas present"

A woman walks into a tattoo parlor.

Asking the man in charge to put a picture of a turkey saying "Happy Thanksgiving!" on one thigh and a picture of Santa saying "Merry Christmas!" on the other. The man looked confused by her odd request, so he asked her why. She calmly looked at him and replied without even a stutter. "My husband always complains that there's nothing good to eat between Christmas and Thanksgiving."

How does North Korea celebrate Christmas?

With missile tows

At work I noticed the computer department have started putting Christmas decorations up

IT's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

You better not.

I heard this on Christmas day from an elderly, retired preacher.

Two men were watching a dog lick himself. One of the guys said "Man, I sure wish I could do that!"

The other guy said, "You better not- that dog will bite you!"

I can't believe Christmas is only 364 days away...

...feels like it was just yesterday.

Hoping to get a 4k tv after Christmas.

Making my new years resolution 3840 x 2160.

So I got a thesaurus for Christmas...

but it is nothing to write house about.

My daughter told me she wanted a puppy for Christmas...

I told her "you're eating turkey like everyone else".

My drug dealer got me shoes for Christmas

I dont know what they were laced with, but I've been tripping ever since

I was depressed, after some soul searching I discovered I sexually indentify as Mistletoe..

I can't wait to hang myself on Christmas.

A woman is taken to court...

The judge asks, "What were you charged for?"

The women replied, "Doing my Christmas shopping too early."

When the judge asked her how early, she said, "Before the store opened."

Why do programmers always mix up Christmas and Halloween?

DEC 25 == OCT 31

What did the disappointed smoker get for Christmas?

Clothes but no cigar...

Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing.

I am faced with a Christmas dilemma

If I tell Santa what I want for Christmas, then I'll definitely be on the naughty list.

What is another name for Santa's elves?

Subordinate Clauses!

A couple are walking through St Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve

They feel a slight precipitation.

The man says, "I think it's raining."

His wife disagrees, "No, it's snowing!"

Unable to agree, the man says, "why don't we ask the nice Communist officer over here? He's always right! Officer Rudolf, is it raining or snowing?"

"Definitely raining," said the officer before walking off.

"See?" the husband says, "Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."

There is an abundance of mistletoe jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 76 funniest jokes and christmas puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any xmas witze you can hear about christmas.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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