Christmas Jokes
158 christmas jokes and hilarious christmas puns to laugh out loud. Read holiday jokes about christmas that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Spread the Christmas cheer with these hilarious jokes! Whether you're looking for traditional Christmas cracker jokes, corny Christmas jokes, bad Christmas jokes, or cheesy Christmas jokes - there's something for everyone. Make your decorations extra special with these Santa Claus inspired gags, as well as some jokes about festive season during a time of covid.
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Funniest Christmas Short Jokes
Short christmas jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The christmas humour may include short santa claus jokes also.
- I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas... FML, now I'm stuck taking care of a puppy.
- What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? GLOVES! Nah, just kidding... He still hasn't unwrapped his present.
- I asked my boss, Can I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas? He said, It's May.
Sorry. , I replied, May I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas? - Jesus was born on Christmas, died on good friday and rose on Easter. What are the odds?!?!
- When Christmas was coming up, my kids asked for a puppy. When I got them one, they cried for days... I'll just get a turkey next year like normal.
- Darth Vader: Luke, I know what you're getting for Christmas. Luke: How?
Darth Vader: I felt your presents. - For Christmas, I bought my wife new beads for her abacus It's the little things that count
- This is ridiculous. It's July 6th and people are still setting off fireworks. One almost caught our christmas decoration on fire.
- If anyone is alone this Christmas and has nobody to spend it with, please let me know.. I really need to borrow some chair
- What's the difference between jelly and jam? Santa doesn't jelly himself down the chimney on Christmas Eve.
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Christmas One Liners
Which christmas one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with christmas? I can suggest the ones about holiday and christmas cracker.
- Dear Satan, for Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.
- Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas Me: *sipping toast* why?
- Insomnia is terrible. But on the plus side... Only three more sleep till Christmas
- Why do programmers get confused between halloween and Christmas? Because
OCT 31 = DEC 25 - What do you call a Christmas wreath made out of $100 bills? Aretha Franklins
- Why did the fox News Christmas tree catch fire? They left it too close to the gaslight.
- Mom, why am I getting Christmas gifts in July? Because it's cheaper than chemotherapy.
- What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas? COOOAAAALLL!!!
- This Christmas, I got a new car for my wife I thought it was a great trade.
- What's Hillary Clinton's favorite Christmas carol? Depends, what is yours?
- It's 364 days until christmas. And people already have their lights up!
- For Christmas my mum bought me a t-shirt saying, "I'm a nudist." I haven't worn it yet.
- my great grandmother got me a ps4 for christmas my so-so grandmother got me socks
- Someone actually wished me Merry Christmas Merry Christmas to you too, Team Snapchat
- Why didn't Captain Nemo get any Christmas presents? Because he was on the Nautilus...
After Christmas Jokes
Here is a list of funny after christmas jokes and even better after christmas puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How did Darth Vader know what Obi-Wan Kenobi was getting for Christmas? He felt his presents…
- I got yelled at in LA today for singing Christmas Carols. I guess they don't wanna hear about how the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful.
- Knock Knock Knock knock
Who's there?
Mary.
Mary who?
Mary Christmas!
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Anna.
Anna who?
Anna happy new year!
Merry Christmas and a happy new year, Reddit :) - I kept pulling the string from my Christmas hat and now its half the size Oops, wrong thread
- What did Adam say the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve.
- You know why the gates of heaven are always left open? Cuz Jesus was raised in a barn!
- My parents tried to surprise me with a car this Christmas... Fortunately they missed.
- I bought a christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself. I said, "No, I'll probably put it in the living room"
- 'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse... I really should have invested in one of those carbon monoxide detectors.
- My girlfriend left me 6 weeks ago because she thinks I'm immature. Now I'm all alone on Christmas day and crying my eyes out because Santa didn't come.
Santa Christmas Jokes
Here is a list of funny santa christmas jokes and even better santa christmas puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's the first thing Mrs Clause did when Santa got home on Christmas morning ? Emptied his sack.
- I am faced with a Christmas dilemma If I tell Santa what I want for Christmas, then I'll definitely be on the naughty list.
- What is another name for Santa's elves? Subordinate Clauses!
- Santa played a round of golf on Christmas day to relax and hit a birdie.... It was a partridge on a par 3.
- When I Was A Child Santa Gave Me Coal One Year For Christmas, So I Poisoned His Cookies And Milk Somehow he found out and killed my dad!
- How much does it cost to run Santa's sleigh every Christmas? Eight bucks
Nine bucks if the weather is bad. - Amazon is a lot like Santa Clause It brings gifts to our homes, gets busy around christmas and is very eager for our cookies.
- What did Santa get the day after Christmas? Diabetes
- last year, I asked Santa for the sexiest person ever for Christmas.... I woke up in a box.
- What does Santa and his elves listen to in their Christmas workshop? WRAP MUSIC!
Christmas Present Jokes
Here is a list of funny christmas present jokes and even better christmas present puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- To all those that received a book from me for a Christmas present They're due back at the library today.
- Just been up in the loft getting the Christmas tree down, and I found a present from last year which we must have forgotten to give to the kids...
...shame really, they would have loved a kitten. - How does Darth Vader know what he's getting for Christmas? He feels his presents
(This is my only Christmas joke and I am deeply ashamed of that) - Uncle came over for Christmas, and told me these wisdoms: "Forget the future, you cannot predict it. Forget the past, you cannot change it." "And forget the present, I didn't get you one."
- What did the guy without hands get for christmas? We don't know, he hasn't opened the present yet
- I bought my wife a wooden leg for Christmas. It's not her main present, just a stocking filler
- Why are socks a bad Christmas present for Daddy Bear? Because he will always have bare feet.
- The Jedi know what we're getting for Christmas They have sensed our presents
- Ordered some Christmas presents online the other day and used my donor card instead of my debit card. Cost me an arm and a leg.
- Darth Vader: "Luke, I know what you're getting for Christmas." Luke Skywalker: "How could you possibly know?"
DV: "I have felt your presents."
Day After Christmas Jokes
Here is a list of funny day after christmas jokes and even better day after christmas puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I can't believe Christmas is only 364 days away... ...feels like it was just yesterday.
- Why is Christmas just like another day in the office? Because you do all the hard work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
- "Did you know that Christmas day falls on a Friday this year?" said one blonde to another. "Oh dear!!" her friend replied, "I hope it's not the 13th?"
- I wish I was Jesus so instead of listening to the same Christmas songs every day if the office, I could be dead.
- Came out to my parents at Christmas. Later that day my nephew asked to play hide and go seek. Now I'm back in the closet.
- Why didn't Lassie have to save Timmy on Christmas Day? No well
- Why couldn't the woman find her Christmas cake? It was stollen.
Happy cake day to meeeee … - What do rehab and the days after Christmas have in common? Cold turkey
- Last Christmas, I gave you my heart And the very next day,
I was fired for medical malpractice. - Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on Christmas Day. It wasn't his actual birthday, but he wasn't going to tell Chuck Norris that.
Christmas Cracker Jokes
Here is a list of funny christmas cracker jokes and even better christmas cracker puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What Do You Call A Line Of Men Waiting For A Haircut? A Barbecue.
- It's the year 2070. Instead of putting funny one-liners in Christmas crackers, they put them in timecapsules embedded in space-rocks and send them to other planets. The real joke is in the comets
- What do you get when you cross an apple with a Christmas tree? A pear.
Cheeky Christmas Jokes that Will Make You and Your Friends Chuckle
What funny jokes about christmas you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean christmas tree jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make christmas pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife doesn't know this, but I put a dollar in an envelope every time we have s**.... This is all I'm spending for her Christmas present.
So far she's getting a McChicken.
A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve
They feel a slight precipitation.
"I think it's raining," says the man.
"No, it's snowing," replies the woman.
"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"
"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
The man turns to his wife with a smile. See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.
The guy was in the store buying a fake Christmas tree.
The shop attendant asked him, "Are you going to put that tree up yourself?"
The guy replied, "Don't be disgusting! I'm going to put it in the living room!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My government is spreading obviously false covid-19 info about x-mas parties
Here in Sweden the government lies and says that we can have Christmas gatherings of up to 8 people without any problems. Such obvious bull! Who knows 8 people without any problems?
Bringing her home to meet mother
I told my new girlfriend that my mother was very hard of hearing and that she should speak loud and slow. I told my mother that my girlfriend was mentally challenged and to please be polite.
I'm looking forward to Christmas dinner.
A little boy calls his best friend on Christmas day...
HEY! So what did you get for Christmas? The second little boy pauses and says well I got a gift card and a t-shirt…you?
The first little boy excitedly replies Oh man, I got a new scooter, a new 3DS XL. A PS Vita. A new bike and were going to Disneyland on Friday. Can't believe all you got was a gift card and t-shirt! to which the second little boy replies well…at least I don't have cancer…
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My 5 year old daughter wants a t**... for Christmas
She has no idea what it is, but she knows what you can do with it.
Swim, ride, hike, dance, play tennis, ...
A church has a rat problem
The church doesn't want to kill the rats so they trap them and release them far away, but the next day they are back.
Next they try ask them politely to leave, still they won't budge.
Finally the priest has one last idea, he baptized all the rats.
Now they only come at Christmas and Easter.
A soccer mom walked into a tattoo parlor and asked for a Christmas tree on her left thigh and a turkey on the right thigh.
When they were done the artist asked why she wanted these tattoos.
She replied, "My husband always complains that there's nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."
I'm giving up drinking till christmas
Bad punctuation, can't edit title
I'm giving up. Drinking till Christmas.
Kids said they wanted a cat for Christmas.
Normally we have turkey, but ok...
Despite the pandemic, my family decided to get together for a big dinner this Christmas
The food was bad though, didn't taste like anything
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Heard they weren't celebrating Christmas at the University of Alabama...
Couldn't find three wise men and a v**....
I ate an entire pack of rohypnol last night and it didn't even affect me...
Anyway, gotta go. I need to do some last minute Christmas shopping.
I asked my husband for a bath bomb for Christmas
He got me a toaster.
Jesus's favorite gun
My uncle is a member of the NRA. He came over for the Christmas dinner wearing a shirt with Jesus on it. I noticed his shirt and complimented it.
He then took his jacket off and showed me the back. On it, Jesus was holding a PK in one hand and an AK-47 on the other. Above it was text that reads "What would Jesus shoot?" That question was a no brainer. I answered "a nail gun."
I don't know why he got mad. Jesus was a carpenter.
Why did Kim Jong-il die a week before December 25th?
Because Rudolph is the only deer leader at Christmas.
I bought my Dad a cheap dictionary for Christmas.
He couldn't find the right words to thank me.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Christmas always s**... when I was a kid...
I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents.
What did the Scottish epileptic boy get for Christmas?
A Wii fit
What type of tree does a Satanist get for Christmas?
A Lucy Fir
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise.
He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it's fine.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Say what you will about Die Hard, but it has the best ending for a Christmas movie…
Hans down.
You better not.
I heard this on Christmas day from an elderly, retired preacher.
Two men were watching a dog lick himself. One of the guys said "Man, I sure wish I could do that!"
The other guy said, "You better not- that dog will bite you!"
How does North Korea celebrate Christmas?
With missile tows
At work I noticed the computer department have started putting Christmas decorations up
IT's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three men died on Christmas Eve...
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It's a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's p**....
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The p**... replied, "These are Carols".
Hoping to get a 4k tv after Christmas.
Making my new years resolution 3840 x 2160.
My daughter told me she wanted a puppy for Christmas...
I told her "you're eating turkey like everyone else".
So I got a thesaurus for Christmas...
but it is nothing to write house about.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was depressed, after some soul searching I discovered I s**... indentify as Mistletoe..
I can't wait to hang myself on Christmas.
A woman is taken to court...
The judge asks, "What were you charged for?"
The women replied, "Doing my Christmas shopping too early."
When the judge asked her how early, she said, "Before the store opened."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Christmas c**... joke: Why do birds fly south in the winter?
Because they can't afford the train!
Sorry, but I'm eating alone this Christmas and have no one here to tell it to.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the disappointed s**... get for Christmas?
Clothes but no cigar...
What do you call an old snowman?
Water...
\---
*Courtesy of my 8-year-old this morning. Merry Christmas!*
My Dad got me a thesaurus for Christmas last year
But when I opened it every single page was blank.
I didn't have the words to describe how angry I was.
A Day Off
An man goes to see his boss..
Boss, he says, we're doing some heavy house-cleaning tomorrow before my mother-in-law arrives for Christmas. My wife needs me to help with cleaning, moving and hauling stuff.
COVID has us short-handed, the boss replies. I can't afford to give anyone a day off.
The man says, Thanks boss, I knew I could count on you!
How to start a fight
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
What do trump and a Christmas tree both have in common ?
They both get thrown out in January
My wife slapped me when I told her I'm buying her a puppy for Christmas.
I thought she'd be excited to hear that she's getting a little husky...
What are the best Christmas sweaters made of?
Fleece Navidad.
In an attempt to boost morale, my office threw a 'Christmas in July' event today. I got to talking to my coworker from Beijing and asked him, "Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?" He confided in me...
"Because they make the toys."
The usher in church greets one of their members...
and says "Welcome! You need to join the army of the Lord!"
The member says,"I am in the Lord's army".
The usher asked,"Then why do I only see you on Christmas and Easter?"
The member leaned over and whispered,"I'm in the Secret Service."
