The Best 83 Christmas Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Christmas jokes. There are some christmas christmas gifts jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these christmas knotty puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Christmas Jokes and Puns
Dear Satan, for Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.
Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas
Me: *sipping toast* why?
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?
GLOVES! Nah, just kidding... He still hasn't unwrapped his present.
Why did Kim Jong-il die a week before December 25th?
Because Rudolph is the only deer leader at Christmas.
You better not.
I heard this on Christmas day from an elderly, retired preacher.
Two men were watching a dog lick himself. One of the guys said "Man, I sure wish I could do that!"
The other guy said, "You better not- that dog will bite you!"
I ate an entire pack of rohypnol last night and it didn't even affect me...
Anyway, gotta go. I need to do some last minute Christmas shopping.
A woman walks into a tattoo parlor.
Asking the man in charge to put a picture of a turkey saying "Happy Thanksgiving!" on one thigh and a picture of Santa saying "Merry Christmas!" on the other. The man looked confused by her odd request, so he asked her why. She calmly looked at him and replied without even a stutter. "My husband always complains that there's nothing good to eat between Christmas and Thanksgiving."
Whats the best thing about being a meth addict?
Only two more sleeps until christmas.
A little boy calls his best friend on Christmas day...
HEY! So what did you get for Christmas? The second little boy pauses and says well I got a gift card and a t-shirt…you?
The first little boy excitedly replies Oh man, I got a new scooter, a new 3DS XL. A PS Vita. A new bike and were going to Disneyland on Friday. Can't believe all you got was a gift card and t-shirt! to which the second little boy replies well…at least I don't have cancer…
I received a rolex for Christmas from the lesbian couple who live next door.
Now, while I am happy with the gift, I guess they didn`t quite understand what I meant when I told them, "I wanna watch".
Just been up in the loft getting the Christmas tree down, and I found a present from last year which we must have forgotten to give to the kids...
...shame really, they would have loved a kitten.
You can explore christmas easter reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean christmas holiday dad jokes. There are also christmas puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?
Gloves.
Nah, I'm just kidding. He hasn't opened it yet.
The guy was in the store buying a fake Christmas tree.
The shop attendant asked him, "Are you going to put that tree up yourself?"
The guy replied, "Don't be disgusting! I'm going to put it in the living room!"
This Christmas, I got a new car for my wife
I thought it was a great trade.
my great grandmother got me a ps4 for christmas
my so-so grandmother got me socks
What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?
COOOAAAALLL!!!
How did Darth Vader know what Obi-Wan Kenobi was getting for Christmas?
He felt his presents…
Darth Vader: Luke, I know what you're getting for Christmas.
Luke: How?
Darth Vader: I felt your presents.
I bought my son a fridge for Christmas.
I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
I bought my Dad a cheap dictionary for Christmas.
He couldn't find the right words to thank me.
It's 364 days until christmas.
And people already have their lights up!
A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve
They feel a slight precipitation.
"I think it's raining," says the man.
"No, it's snowing," replies the woman.
"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"
"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
The man turns to his wife with a smile. See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.
What did 50 cent say to his grandma when she gave him a scarf for Christmas?
Gee, you knit?
My wife doesn't know this, but I put a dollar in an envelope every time we have sex. This is all I'm spending for her Christmas present.
So far she's getting a McChicken.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get Christmas presents?
Because the rest of the letters are not-E.
My lesbian neighbors got me a Rolex for Christmas
I guess they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
My 5 year old daughter wants a Tampon for Christmas
She has no idea what it is, but she knows what you can do with it.
Swim, ride, hike, dance, play tennis, ...
What's Hillary Clinton's favorite Christmas carol?
Depends, what is yours?
Mom, why am I getting Christmas gifts in July?
Because it's cheaper than chemotherapy.
For Christmas my mum bought me a t-shirt saying, "I'm a nudist."
I haven't worn it yet.
What did the Scottish epileptic boy get for Christmas?
A Wii fit
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid...
I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents.
I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas...
FML, now I'm stuck taking care of a puppy.
At work I noticed the computer department have started putting Christmas decorations up
IT's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.
Me: Can I have a few extra days off before Christmas?"
Boss: It's May.
Me: Sorry, may I have a few days off before Christmas?
Hoping to get a 4k tv after Christmas.
Making my new years resolution 3840 x 2160.
What did Adam say to Eve on Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve.
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse...
I really should have invested in one of those carbon monoxide detectors.
Why is Christmas just like your job?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
I kept pulling the string from my Christmas hat and now its half the size
Oops, wrong thread
Heard they weren't celebrating Christmas at the University of Alabama...
Couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
My girlfriend left me 6 weeks ago because she thinks I'm immature. Now I'm all alone on Christmas day and crying my eyes out
because Santa didn't come.
I can't believe christmas is 364 days away...
And people already have their decorations up.
I can't believe Christmas is only 364 days away...
...feels like it was just yesterday.
My parents tried to surprise me with a car this Christmas...
Fortunately they missed.
To all those that received a book from me for a Christmas present
They're due back at the library today.
A church has a rat problem
The church doesn't want to kill the rats so they trap them and release them far away, but the next day they are back.
Next they try ask them politely to leave, still they won't budge.
Finally the priest has one last idea, he baptized all the rats.
Now they only come at Christmas and Easter.
Why didn't Captain Nemo get any Christmas presents?
Because he was on the Nautilus...
What did the handless boy get for Christmas?
Gloves.
Just kidding, he's still trying to open his present.
When Christmas was coming up, my kids asked for a puppy. When I got them one, they cried for days...
I'll just get a turkey next year like normal.
I bought a christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.
I said, "No, I'll probably put it in the living room"
Bringing her home to meet mother
I told my new girlfriend that my mother was very hard of hearing and that she should speak loud and slow. I told my mother that my girlfriend was mentally challenged and to please be polite.
I'm looking forward to Christmas dinner.
I got yelled at in LA today for singing Christmas Carols.
I guess they don't wanna hear about how the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful.
For Christmas, I bought my wife new beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count
Why was the letter E the only letter to get Christmas gifts?
Because all the other letters were "not E"
How does North Korea celebrate Christmas?
With missile tows
Someone actually wished me Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas to you too, Team Snapchat
You know why the gates of heaven are always left open?
Cuz Jesus was raised in a barn!
I asked my husband for a bath bomb for Christmas
He got me a toaster.
My Son is such a c**t...
I bought him a new trampoline for Christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.
A soccer mom walked into a tattoo parlor and asked for a Christmas tree on her left thigh and a turkey on the right thigh.
When they were done the artist asked why she wanted these tattoos.
She replied, "My husband always complains that there's nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."
I asked my boss, Can I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?
He said, It's May.
Sorry. , I replied, May I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?
Why do programmers get confused between Halloween and Christmas?
Because
OCT 31 = DEC 25
A mother walks in on her son playing with his privates.
"Oh no..."
"What's wrong"
"Those soldiers were gonna be your Christmas present"
Totally sick of idiots letting fireworks off early, it's still October for goodness sake!!!
Dog is going mad and keeps knocking the Christmas tree over!
I'm giving up drinking till christmas
Bad punctuation, can't edit title
I'm giving up. Drinking till Christmas.
If anyone is alone this Christmas and has nobody to spend it with, please let me know..
I really need to borrow some chairs
What did the kid with no hands get for Christmas?
Gloves!!!
Just kidding, I'm actually not sure, they haven't opened it yet.
What did Adam say the day before Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve.
My government is spreading obviously false covid-19 info about x-mas parties
Here in Sweden the government lies and says that we can have Christmas gatherings of up to 8 people without any problems. Such obvious bull! Who knows 8 people without any problems?
What do you call a Christmas wreath made out of $100 bills?
Aretha Franklins
Knock Knock
Knock knock
Who's there?
Mary.
Mary who?
Mary Christmas!
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Anna.
Anna who?
Anna happy new year!
Merry Christmas and a happy new year, Reddit :)
Kids said they wanted a cat for Christmas.
Normally we have turkey, but ok...
Despite the pandemic, my family decided to get together for a big dinner this Christmas
The food was bad though, didn't taste like anything
For Christmas, I bought my wife a world map and gave her a dart. I told her to throw it and wherever it lands, we will go on vacation after this pandemic is over.
Turns out we are spending two weeks behind the fridge.
What is the best Christmas present in the world?
A broken drum – you just can't beat it
What does Miley Cyrus have at Christmas?
twerky!
Growing Up
My son, Bob, was only 5 feet, 8 inches tall when he left for college in the fall. He worked through the Christmas holidays and didn't return home again until the February break.
When he got off the plane, I was stunned at how much taller he looked. Measuring him at home, I discovered he now stood at 5 feet, 11 inches. My son was as surprised as I. "Couldn't you tell by your clothes that you'd grown?" I asked him.
"Since I've been doing my own laundry," he replied, "I just figured everything had shrunk."
Unused Christmas present.
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift,The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
She asked me: Why,?
I replied. "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
Insomnia is terrible. But on the plus side...
Only three more sleeps till Christmas
The wife says she wants a bigger house by Christmas.
So I've bought her a diet book.
Last christmas I gave my SO a book about a prostitute that turns her life around and becomes an accountant.
It's "The thot that counts"
Me: Hey boss, can I get a few weeks of vacation time during Christmas?
Boss: It's May.
Me: Fine. May I get a few weeks of vacation time during Christmas?
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the christmas mistletoe jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working christmas xmas piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.