christmas Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious christmas stories

What are the best christmas puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Christmas? Well here is a complete list of the top christmas jokes:

I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for and what happens Christmas morning? That fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit for it!

Still I suppose it was my fault for marrying her.

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Dear Satan...

For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia

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Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas

Me: *sipping toast* why?

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What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?

GLOVES! Nah, just kidding... He still hasn't unwrapped his present.

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A Christmas Joke (...maybe a LITTLE early)

The guy was in the store buying a fake Christmas tree. The shop attendant asked him, "Are you going to put that tree up yourself?"

The guy replied, "Don't be disgusting! I'm going to put it in the living room!"

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A little boy calls his best friend on Christmas day...

HEY! So what did you get for Christmas? The second little boy pauses and says well I got a gift card and a t-shirt…you?

The first little boy excitedly replies Oh man, I got a new scooter, a new 3DS XL. A PS Vita. A new bike and were going to Disneyland on Friday. Can't believe all you got was a gift card and t-shirt! to which the second little boy replies well…at least I don't have cancer…

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I ate an entire pack of rohypnol last night and it didn't even affect me...

Anyway, gotta go. I need to do some last minute Christmas shopping.

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Why did Kim Jong-il die a week before December 25th?



Because Rudolph is the only deer leader at Christmas.

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I received a rolex for Christmas from the lesbian couple who live next door.

Now, while I am happy with the gift, I guess they didn`t quite understand what I meant when I told them, "I wanna watch".

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Whats the best thing about being a meth addict?

Only two more sleeps until christmas.

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To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present...

They are due back at the library today.

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What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?

Gloves.


Nah, I'm just kidding. He hasn't opened it yet.

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Just been up in the loft getting the Christmas tree down, and I found a present from last year which we must have forgotten to give to the kids...

...shame really, they would have loved a kitten.

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Please notify if repost. (first)

A woman walks into a tattoo parlor, asking the man in charge to put a picture of a turkey saying "Happy Thanksgiving!" on one thigh and a picture of Santa saying "Merry Christmas!" on the other. The man looked confused by her odd request, so he asked her why. She calmly looked at him and replied without even a stutter. "My husband always complains that there's nothing good to eat between Christmas and Thanksgiving."

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You better not.

I heard this on Christmas day from an elderly, retired preacher.

Two men were watching a dog lick himself. One of the guys said "Man, I sure wish I could do that!"

The other guy said, "You better not- that dog will bite you!"

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I hate myself a little for this...

What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?

GLOVES!

...Nah, just kidding!

*He still hasn't unwrapped his present!!!*

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The usher in church greets one of their members...

and says "Welcome! You need to join the army of the Lord!"

The member says,"I am in the Lord's army".

The usher asked,"Then why do I only see you on Christmas and Easter?"

The member leaned over and whispered,"I'm in the Secret Service."

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My roommate is gay

There was this boy who went away to college, and came back for Christmas.

Over drinks with his dad by the fireplace, he told his dad: "Dad, I think my roommate is gay."

Dad asks: "Well, what makes you think so?"

Son replies: "His dick tastes like shit."

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Little girl Christmas Joke.

Little girl sits on Santa's lap.

Santa: What would you like for Christmas?

Little Girl: I want a Barbie and a G.I.Joe.

Santa: Little girl don't you know Barbie comes with Ken?

Little Girl: No Santa, Barbie fakes it with Ken, she cums with G.I.Joe.

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Whats the best thing about being addicted to speed?

Only one more sleep until Christmas!

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What's the difference between your penis and your Christmas bonus?

Your wife will actually blow your bonus.

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Larry was not a good gift giver.

Every time he gave his wife a gift for Christmas, her birthday, or their anniversary, she complained about what a sucky gift it was. She was starting to get angry.
"Larry, the next time you give me a bad gift, I will light it on fire!"
A week later was Larry's wife's birthday. She came down to see only one small box. She sighed and went to go get a lighter. She opened up the present. It was a candle.

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Why is a day at the office the same as Christmas?

Because you do all the work, and the fat guy with the suit gets all of the credit.

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As it's May 4th, here are two Star Wars jokes.

What is the most popular music on Endor?

Ewok and Roll.

Why did Vader know what Luke had given him for Christmas?

He had felt his presents.

*I'll get my coat*

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What did Santa get the day after Christmas?

Diabetes

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What do transvestites do at Christmas?

Eat, drink and be Mary.

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What does a black kid get for Christmas?

Your bike.

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At this time of the year....

....there's nothing I love more than sitting in front of a warm fire, mulled wine in hand, and singing Christmas songs until I slowly fall asleep.




And that's why I'm no longer a fireman...

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Why do computer programmers confuse Christmas and Halloween?

Because OCT 31 = DEC 25.

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What did the deaf, dumb, blind, amputee kid get for Christmas?

Cancer.

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What did the homeless guy get for Christmas?

Very, very hungry.

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I got a sweater for Christmas

I was hoping for a screamer or moaner.

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A rich man and a poor man are at a bar talking about what to get their wives for Christmas.

The rich man says " I got mine a Mercedes and a diamond necklace just in case she doesnt like the car" the poor man responded " I'm getting mine flip flops and a dildo. If she doesn't like the flip flops she can go fuck herself."

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Cultural Diversity--True Story

When I was six I learned about Hanukkah in school. My teacher told me, "Christians celebrate Christmas, and Jews celebrate Hanukkah."

That night I was waiting in line at Hometown Buffet with my family and asked Mom why the restaurant would be closed for Christmas.

"It's so that the people who work here can spend Christmas with their families." She said.

In a loud, excited voice I piped up, "BUT COULDN'T THEY GET SOME JEWS TO WORK HERE?"

We never went back.

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last year, I asked Santa for the sexiest person ever for Christmas....

I woke up in a box.

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Do you know what the kid with no hands got for Christmas?

Me neither. He couldn't open his presents.

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I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas.

"Something that buzzes and is guaranteed to drive me crazy" she replied.

So I bought her a pet mosquito.

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What does Santa and his elves listen to in their Christmas workshop?

WRAP MUSIC!

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What's the best thing about being a meth addict?

Only four more sleeps 'til Christmas!

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"I've just been out and bought your Christmas present", I said to my wife when I got home last Saturday.

"You're holding a pig on a lead", she replied furiously, "What the hell made you think that I'd want a pig for Christmas?"

"Don't worry, the pig's not your present", I laughed, "I just took him along to give me a rough idea of your size."

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*RANT TIME* Please can we stop with the flashing blue outdoor Christmas lights this year ?

Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack.
I have to brake hard, toss my wine out the window, hide the weed, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the machete under the seat, all while trying to drive.
It's just too much drama, even for Christmas.
Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.

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Great news for insomniacs...

Only three more sleeps until Christmas!

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Barbie and G.I. Joe.

A little girl sits on Santa's lap. In a jolly manner, Santa asks "What would you like for Christmas?"

The girl replies without hesitation:"I would like a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."

Santa sits for a moment, thinking about the request. Caught off guard, he says "But little girl, Barbie comes with Ken."

The girl looks at Santa and with incredible confidence, states: "No Santa, Barbie only fakes it with Ken."

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How did Luke Skywalker know what Darth Vader got him for Christmas?

He felt his presents.

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I love Christmas lights!

... they remind me of politicians.

They all hang together, half the buggers don't work, and the ones that do aren't that bright!

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Why do programmers always confuse Halloween and Christmas?

Because 31(oct) = 25(dec)

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What do a priest and a Christmas tree have in common?

Both have balls that are just for decoration

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Pest Control

There is a church that is infested with rats. No amount of traps or exterminators have any effect on the still growing population. One day the local pastor thinks up a plan. The next day, all the rats are gone. The people are floored and asked what he did. He replies by saying that he baptized them and they will only be back on Christmas and Easter.

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Why do Mexicans make tamales on Christmas?

So they will have something to unwrap.

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So I have these lesbian neighbors...

They asked me what I wanted for Christmas, and then got me a watch. I think they misunderstood me.

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best christmas jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about christmas. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty christmas gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these christmas jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.

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