Christmas Jokes

Hilarious puns and funny pick up lines

I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for and what happens Christmas morning? That fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit for it!

Still I suppose it was my fault for marrying her.

Dear Satan...

For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia

Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas

Me: *sipping toast* why?

I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas...

FML, now I'm stuck taking care of a puppy.

Why do programmers get confused between Halloween and Christmas?

Because
OCT 31 = DEC 25

My Son is such a c**t...

I bought him a new trampoline for Christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.

Mom, why am I getting Christmas gifts in July?

Because it's cheaper than chemotherapy.

My wife doesn't know this, but I put a dollar in an envelope every time we have sex. This is all I'm spending for her Christmas present.

So far she's getting a McChicken.

What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?

GLOVES! Nah, just kidding... He still hasn't unwrapped his present.

I bought my son a fridge for Christmas.

I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

^([I stole this from imgur comments, but I am posting it here so that you can use it today and tomorrow on people you dislike. Merry Christmas.])

I asked my boss, Can I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?

He said, It's May.

Sorry. , I replied, May I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?

My girlfriend doesn't know this, but I put a dollar in an envelope every time we have sex. That's all I'm spending on her for Christmas.

So far, she's only getting a McChicken.

Kid: "mommy, why am I getting Christmas presents in August?"

Mother: "because it's cheaper than chemotherapy.."

When Christmas was coming up, my kids asked for a puppy. When I got them one, they cried for days...

I'll just get a turkey next year like normal.

What do boobs and Christmas trees have in common?

When you see really nice ones, you have to ask if they are real or fake.

A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve

They feel a slight precipitation.


"I think it's raining," says the man.



"No, it's snowing," replies the woman.


"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"


"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.


The man turns to his wife with a smile. See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.

Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get Christmas presents?

Because the rest of the letters are not-E.

My boyfriend doesn't know this, but I put a dollar in an envelope every time I orgasm during sex. That's all I'm spending on him for Christmas.

So far, his roommate is getting a PS4. He's getting nothing.

I just got a Christmas card promising lots of anal and oral sex this year...

I fucking hate prison.

For Christmas, I bought my wife new beads for her abacus

It's the little things that count

What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?

COOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A Christmas Joke (...maybe a LITTLE early)

The guy was in the store buying a fake Christmas tree. The shop attendant asked him, "Are you going to put that tree up yourself?"

The guy replied, "Don't be disgusting! I'm going to put it in the living room!"

This Christmas, I got a new car for my wife

I thought it was a great trade.

What's Hillary Clinton's favorite Christmas carol?

Depends, what is yours?

It's 364 days until christmas.

And people already have their lights up!

For Christmas my mum bought me a t-shirt saying, "I'm a nudist."

I haven't worn it yet.

Bringing her home to meet mother

I told my new girlfriend that my mother was very hard of hearing and that she should speak loud and slow. I told my mother that my girlfriend was mentally challenged and to please be polite.
I'm looking forward to Christmas dinner.

my great grandmother got me a ps4 for christmas

my so-so grandmother got me socks

My lesbian neighbors got me a Rolex for Christmas

I guess they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.

Someone actually wished me Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to you too, Team Snapchat

How did Darth Vader know what Obi-Wan Kenobi was getting for Christmas?

He felt his presents…

Why didn't Captain Nemo get any Christmas presents?

Because he was on the Nautilus...

My 5 year old daughter wants a Tampon for Christmas

She has no idea what it is, but she knows what you can do with it.
Swim, ride, hike, dance, play tennis, ...

I got yelled at in LA today for singing Christmas Carols.

I guess they don't wanna hear about how the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful.

I kept pulling the string from my Christmas hat and now its half the size

Oops, wrong thread

A little boy calls his best friend on Christmas day...

HEY! So what did you get for Christmas? The second little boy pauses and says well I got a gift card and a t-shirt…you?

The first little boy excitedly replies Oh man, I got a new scooter, a new 3DS XL. A PS Vita. A new bike and were going to Disneyland on Friday. Can't believe all you got was a gift card and t-shirt! to which the second little boy replies well…at least I don't have cancer…

You know why the gates of heaven are always left open?

Cuz Jesus was raised in a barn!

Merry Christmas everyone!

I went to the garden centre today and bought a Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me, "Will you be putting that up yourself?"

I replied, "No, you sick fuck. I'll be putting it up in my living room."

I can't believe christmas is 364 days away...

And people already have their decorations up.

My parents tried to surprise me with a car this Christmas...

Fortunately they missed.

Why do programmers get Halloween and Christmas mixed up?

Because Oct31 = Dec25

A church has a rat problem

The church doesn't want to kill the rats so they trap them and release them far away, but the next day they are back.
Next they try ask them politely to leave, still they won't budge.
Finally the priest has one last idea, he baptized all the rats.

Now they only come at Christmas and Easter.

What does a Christmas tree and a monk have in common?

They both have ornamental balls

I bought a christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.

I said, "No, I'll probably put it in the living room"

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse...

I really should have invested in one of those carbon monoxide detectors.

Me: Can I have a few extra days off before Christmas?"

Boss: It's May.

Me: Sorry, may I have a few days off before Christmas?

What did the testicle say to the other testicle?

"Between you and me, I think something's up."

I'm slightly tipsy, this is probably a terrible joke. Merry Christmas!

My girlfriend left me 6 weeks ago because she thinks I'm immature. Now I'm all alone on Christmas day and crying my eyes out

because Santa didn't come.

What did the handless boy get for Christmas?

Gloves.

Just kidding, he's still trying to open his present.

A soccer mom walked into a tattoo parlor and asked for a Christmas tree on her left thigh and a turkey on the right thigh.

When they were done the artist asked why she wanted these tattoos.


She replied, "My husband always complains that there's nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

As I was paying the cashier for my Christmas tree, he asked Are you going to put that up yourself?

No you sick fuck, I'm putting it up in the living room.

To all those that received a book from me for a Christmas present

They're due back at the library today.

What did 50 cent say to his grandma when she gave him a scarf for Christmas?

Gee, you knit?

Heard they weren't celebrating Christmas at the University of Alabama...

Couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas.

Now I'm fucking stuck taking care of a puppy.

How did Darth Vader figure out what Luke was getting for Christmas?

He felt his presents.

For christmas i bought my girlfriend a pair of shoes and a dildo.

That way if she doesnt like the shoes she can go fuck herself.

364 days until Christmas

All these assholes have their decorations up already.

Why is Christmas just like your job?

You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

I ate an entire pack of rohypnol last night and it didn't even affect me...

Anyway, gotta go. I need to do some last minute Christmas shopping.

Why was the letter E the only letter to get Christmas gifts?

Because all the other letters were "not E"

I asked my husband for a bath bomb for Christmas

He got me a toaster.


Why did Kim Jong-il die a week before December 25th?



Because Rudolph is the only deer leader at Christmas.

I received a rolex for Christmas from the lesbian couple who live next door.

Now, while I am happy with the gift, I guess they didn`t quite understand what I meant when I told them, "I wanna watch".

A rich guy and a poor guy are talking about what they got their wives for christmas...

the rich guy said, "I got my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring, so if she doesn't like the fur at least she'll have the ring." The poor guy said, "I got my wife a bathrobe and a dildo. If she doesn't like the robe, she can go fuck herself!"

Whats the best thing about being a meth addict?

Only two more sleeps until christmas.

A couple are walking in St. Petersburg square on Christmas Eve.

They start to feel some light precipitation


"I think it's raining" says the man


"No it's snowing" replies the woman.

"How about we ask this communist officer here?" "He is always right" exclaims the man.
"Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"


"Definitely raining" officer Rudolph replies before walking off.

The man turns to his wife and says.

"See? Rudolph the red knows rain, dear"

I get my wife the same thing every year for Christmas, a dildo and a pair of slippers

If she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself

What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?

Gloves.


Nah, I'm just kidding. He hasn't opened it yet.

This Weekend I Bought a Christmas Tree...

I went to the garden center today and bought a freshly-cut Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me, Will you be putting that up yourself?

I replied, No, you sick fuck. I'll be putting it up in my living room.

Just been up in the loft getting the Christmas tree down, and I found a present from last year which we must have forgotten to give to the kids...

...shame really, they would have loved a kitten.

I stayed at my girlfriends family's place durring the Christmas break.

Her father was being a prick and wouldn't let us sleep together, which is a shame, because he is a real good looking guy.

I bought my Dad a cheap dictionary for Christmas.

He couldn't find the right words to thank me.

Christmas always sucked when I was a kid...

I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents.

What did Adam say to Eve on Christmas?

It's Christmas, Eve.

What did the Scottish epileptic boy get for Christmas?

A Wii fit

What are the funniest christmas jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Christmas? Well, here are the best Christmas puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Christmas pick up lines to share with friends.

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