Cheeky Christmas Jokes that Will Make You and Your Friends Chuckle
Dear Satan, for Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.
Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas
Me: *sipping toast* why?
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?
GLOVES! Nah, just kidding... He still hasn't unwrapped his present.
Why did Kim Jong-il die a week before December 25th?
Because Rudolph is the only deer leader at Christmas.
I ate an entire pack of rohypnol last night and it didn't even affect me...
Anyway, gotta go. I need to do some last minute Christmas shopping.
A woman walks into a tattoo parlor.
Asking the man in charge to put a picture of a turkey saying "Happy Thanksgiving!" on one thigh and a picture of Santa saying "Merry Christmas!" on the other. The man looked confused by her odd request, so he asked her why. She calmly looked at him and replied without even a stutter. "My husband always complains that there's nothing good to eat between Christmas and Thanksgiving."
Whats the best thing about being a m**... addict?
Only two more sleeps until christmas.
A little boy calls his best friend on Christmas day...
HEY! So what did you get for Christmas? The second little boy pauses and says well I got a gift card and a t-shirt…you?
The first little boy excitedly replies Oh man, I got a new scooter, a new 3DS XL. A PS Vita. A new bike and were going to Disneyland on Friday. Can't believe all you got was a gift card and t-shirt! to which the second little boy replies well…at least I don't have cancer…
I received a rolex for Christmas from the lesbian couple who live next door.
Now, while I am happy with the gift, I guess they didn`t quite understand what I meant when I told them, "I wanna watch".
Just been up in the loft getting the Christmas tree down, and I found a present from last year which we must have forgotten to give to the kids...
...shame really, they would have loved a kitten.
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?
Gloves.
Nah, I'm just kidding. He hasn't opened it yet.
You can explore christmas easter reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean christmas holiday dad jokes. There are also christmas puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
The guy was in the store buying a fake Christmas tree.
The shop attendant asked him, "Are you going to put that tree up yourself?"
The guy replied, "Don't be disgusting! I'm going to put it in the living room!"
This Christmas, I got a new car for my wife
I thought it was a great trade.
my great grandmother got me a ps4 for christmas
my so-so grandmother got me socks
What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?
COOOAAAALLL!!!
How did Darth Vader know what Obi-Wan Kenobi was getting for Christmas?
He felt his presents…
Darth Vader: Luke, I know what you're getting for Christmas.
Luke: How?
Darth Vader: I felt your presents.
I bought my son a fridge for Christmas.
I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
I bought my Dad a cheap dictionary for Christmas.
He couldn't find the right words to thank me.
It's 364 days until christmas.
And people already have their lights up!
A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve
They feel a slight precipitation.
"I think it's raining," says the man.
"No, it's snowing," replies the woman.
"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"
"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
The man turns to his wife with a smile. See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.
What did 50 cent say to his grandma when she gave him a scarf for Christmas?
Gee, you knit?
My wife doesn't know this, but I put a dollar in an envelope every time we have s**.... This is all I'm spending for her Christmas present.
So far she's getting a McChicken.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get Christmas presents?
Because the rest of the letters are not-E.
My lesbian neighbors got me a Rolex for Christmas
I guess they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
My 5 year old daughter wants a t**... for Christmas
She has no idea what it is, but she knows what you can do with it.
Swim, ride, hike, dance, play tennis, ...
What's Hillary Clinton's favorite Christmas carol?
Depends, what is yours?
Mom, why am I getting Christmas gifts in July?
Because it's cheaper than chemotherapy.
For Christmas my mum bought me a t-shirt saying, "I'm a nudist."
I haven't worn it yet.
What did the Scottish epileptic boy get for Christmas?
A Wii fit
Christmas always s**... when I was a kid...
I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents.
I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas...
FML, now I'm stuck taking care of a puppy.
Me: Can I have a few extra days off before Christmas?"
Boss: It's May.
Me: Sorry, may I have a few days off before Christmas?
What did Adam say to Eve on Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve.
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse...
I really should have invested in one of those carbon monoxide detectors.
Why is Christmas just like your job?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
I kept pulling the string from my Christmas hat and now its half the size
Oops, wrong thread
Heard they weren't celebrating Christmas at the University of Alabama...
Couldn't find three wise men and a v**....
My girlfriend left me 6 weeks ago because she thinks I'm immature. Now I'm all alone on Christmas day and crying my eyes out
because Santa didn't come.
I can't believe christmas is 364 days away...
And people already have their decorations up.
My parents tried to surprise me with a car this Christmas...
Fortunately they missed.
To all those that received a book from me for a Christmas present
They're due back at the library today.
A church has a rat problem
The church doesn't want to kill the rats so they trap them and release them far away, but the next day they are back.
Next they try ask them politely to leave, still they won't budge.
Finally the priest has one last idea, he baptized all the rats.
Now they only come at Christmas and Easter.
Why didn't Captain Nemo get any Christmas presents?
Because he was on the Nautilus...
What did the handless boy get for Christmas?
Gloves.
Just kidding, he's still trying to open his present.
When Christmas was coming up, my kids asked for a puppy. When I got them one, they cried for days...
I'll just get a turkey next year like normal.
I bought a christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.
I said, "No, I'll probably put it in the living room"
Bringing her home to meet mother
I told my new girlfriend that my mother was very hard of hearing and that she should speak loud and slow. I told my mother that my girlfriend was mentally challenged and to please be polite.
I'm looking forward to Christmas dinner.
I got yelled at in LA today for singing Christmas Carols.
I guess they don't wanna hear about how the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful.
For Christmas, I bought my wife new beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count
Why was the letter E the only letter to get Christmas gifts?
Because all the other letters were "not E"
Someone actually wished me Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas to you too, Team Snapchat
You know why the gates of heaven are always left open?
Cuz Jesus was raised in a barn!
I asked my husband for a bath bomb for Christmas
He got me a toaster.
My Son is such a c**t...
I bought him a new trampoline for Christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.
A soccer mom walked into a tattoo parlor and asked for a Christmas tree on her left thigh and a turkey on the right thigh.
When they were done the artist asked why she wanted these tattoos.
She replied, "My husband always complains that there's nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."
I asked my boss, Can I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?
He said, It's May.
Sorry. , I replied, May I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?
Why do programmers get confused between Halloween and Christmas?
Because
OCT 31 = DEC 25
Totally sick of idiots letting fireworks off early, it's still October for goodness sake!!!
Dog is going mad and keeps knocking the Christmas tree over!
I'm giving up drinking till christmas
Bad punctuation, can't edit title
I'm giving up. Drinking till Christmas.
If anyone is alone this Christmas and has nobody to spend it with, please let me know..
I really need to borrow some chairs
What did the kid with no hands get for Christmas?
Gloves!!!
Just kidding, I'm actually not sure, they haven't opened it yet.
What did Adam say the day before Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve.
My government is spreading obviously false covid-19 info about x-mas parties
Here in Sweden the government lies and says that we can have Christmas gatherings of up to 8 people without any problems. Such obvious bull! Who knows 8 people without any problems?
What do you call a Christmas wreath made out of $100 bills?
Aretha Franklins
Knock Knock
Knock knock
Who's there?
Mary.
Mary who?
Mary Christmas!
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Anna.
Anna who?
Anna happy new year!
Merry Christmas and a happy new year, Reddit :)
Kids said they wanted a cat for Christmas.
Normally we have turkey, but ok...
Despite the pandemic, my family decided to get together for a big dinner this Christmas
The food was bad though, didn't taste like anything
For Christmas, I bought my wife a world map and gave her a dart. I told her to throw it and wherever it lands, we will go on vacation after this pandemic is over.
Turns out we are spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Insomnia is terrible. But on the plus side...
Only three more sleeps till Christmas
This is ridiculous. It's July 6th and people are still setting off fireworks.
One almost caught our Christmas decorations on fire.
If anyone is spending Christmas alone this year, please let me know.
I need to borrow some chairs
What type of tree does a Satanist get for Christmas?
A Lucy Fir
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise.
He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it's fine.
Why did the Fox News Christmas tree catch fire?
They left it too close to the gaslight.
Why do computer scientists always confuse Christmas and Halloween?
Its cause DEC 25 = OCT 31
What's the first thing Mrs Clause did when Santa got home on Christmas morning ?
Emptied his sack.
Jesus's favorite gun
My uncle is a member of the NRA. He came over for the Christmas dinner wearing a shirt with Jesus on it. I noticed his shirt and complimented it.
He then took his jacket off and showed me the back. On it, Jesus was holding a PK in one hand and an AK-47 on the other. Above it was text that reads "What would Jesus shoot?" That question was a no brainer. I answered "a nail gun."
I don't know why he got mad. Jesus was a carpenter.
What's the difference between jelly and jam?
Santa doesn't jelly himself down the chimney on Christmas Eve.
my daughter asked me for a set of wheels. told me shed give me rides anytime I wanted
So I got her a rickshaw for Christmas.
We celebrate Christmas early in our household.
We have to, I'm usually s**... by noon.
If you give someone a Mahler Symphony record as a gift
Would it be considered a Gustav Christmas Present?
What do law enforcement personnel sing during Christmas?
Police navidad
If anybody received a book from me at Christmas
They'll be due back at the library in the next few days.
If someone who hates Christmas is called a Grinch...
what do you call someone who hates Valentine's Day?
Single.
Amazon is a lot like Santa Clause
It brings gifts to our homes, gets busy around christmas and is very eager for our cookies.
Want to know Quasimodo's favorite Christmas song?
Jingle bells!
