christmas Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious christmas puns

Christmas joke (NSFW)

A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean"

Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I'll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky."

Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn't say a word. After a while his girlfriend says: "if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn't have invited you." the young man replies "if you had told me your dad works at a drug store, I wouldn't have come."

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I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for and what happens Christmas morning? That fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit for it!

Still I suppose it was my fault for marrying her.

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Dear Satan...

For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia

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Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas

Me: *sipping toast* why?

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I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas...

FML, now I'm stuck taking care of a puppy.

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Why do programmers get confused between Halloween and Christmas?

Because
OCT 31 = DEC 25

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My Son is such a c**t...

I bought him a new trampoline for Christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.

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Christmas Joke... Three men died....

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The Irishman replied, 'These are Carol's'

And So The Christmas Season begins......and I sure hope the jokes get better.

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Mom, why am I getting Christmas gifts in July?

Because it's cheaper than chemotherapy.

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My wife doesn't know this, but I put a dollar in an envelope every time we have sex. This is all I'm spending for her Christmas present.

So far she's getting a McChicken.

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What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?

GLOVES! Nah, just kidding... He still hasn't unwrapped his present.

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A Couple is Walking in East Berlin on Christmas Eve...

A couple is walking in East Berlin on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.

"I think it's raining," says the man.

"No, it's snowing," replies the woman.

"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the main. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?

"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.

The man turns to his wife with a smile. "See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

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My wife's inappropriate Christmas dinner joke

Last night My wife and I were having Christmas dinner with her parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles, and a German neighbor who is a widow. We were talking about messing up while cooking meals and I mentioned the first time I cooked a turkey I cooked it upside down. The neighbor was incredulous that I could make such a mistake and asked how I could possibly do this when the breast would be round and make it difficult to get the turkey to not roll.

My lame joke:
>"Maybe I just like flat breasted turkeys."

Wife looks down at her chest:
>"Well now I feel self-conscious... Wait, is that why you always turn me face down?"

Everybody starts roaring with laughter and her dad turned bright red.

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I bought my son a fridge for Christmas.

I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

^([I stole this from imgur comments, but I am posting it here so that you can use it today and tomorrow on people you dislike. Merry Christmas.])

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I asked my boss, Can I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?

He said, It's May.

Sorry. , I replied, May I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?

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My girlfriend doesn't know this, but I put a dollar in an envelope every time we have sex. That's all I'm spending on her for Christmas.

So far, she's only getting a McChicken.

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Kid: "mommy, why am I getting Christmas presents in August?"

Mother: "because it's cheaper than chemotherapy.."

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When Christmas was coming up, my kids asked for a puppy. When I got them one, they cried for days...

I'll just get a turkey next year like normal.

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What do boobs and Christmas trees have in common?

When you see really nice ones, you have to ask if they are real or fake.

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Did Santa bring that to you

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike.
The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says,
"By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humouring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

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A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve

They feel a slight precipitation.


"I think it's raining," says the man.



"No, it's snowing," replies the woman.


"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"


"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.


The man turns to his wife with a smile. See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.

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Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get Christmas presents?

Because the rest of the letters are not-E.

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My boyfriend doesn't know this, but I put a dollar in an envelope every time I orgasm during sex. That's all I'm spending on him for Christmas.

So far, his roommate is getting a PS4. He's getting nothing.

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I just got a Christmas card promising lots of anal and oral sex this year...

I fucking hate prison.

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Who says men don't remember?

A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping center was packed , and as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and so she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop."

He replied, "Well, I'm in the pub next door."

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For Christmas, I bought my wife new beads for her abacus

It's the little things that count

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What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?

COOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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A Christmas Joke (...maybe a LITTLE early)

The guy was in the store buying a fake Christmas tree. The shop attendant asked him, "Are you going to put that tree up yourself?"

The guy replied, "Don't be disgusting! I'm going to put it in the living room!"

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This Christmas, I got a new car for my wife

I thought it was a great trade.

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What's Hillary Clinton's favorite Christmas carol?

Depends, what is yours?

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It's 364 days until christmas.

And people already have their lights up!

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For Christmas my mum bought me a t-shirt saying, "I'm a nudist."

I haven't worn it yet.

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This joke has never failed me. EVER. (NSFW)

On the night of Christmas Eve, Santa is busy delivering presents. He comes down the chimney of a house to a beautiful girl (who just turned 18) in a gorgeous nightgown, laying on the couch waiting for him. They talk as he eats cookies and places presents under the tree.

As he leaves for the night, the young woman stands up and asks him, "Santa, can you stay here with me tonight?"
Santa replied, "ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta go. Gotta give presents to people I know"

Hearing this the girl removes her nightgown, now in just her bra and panties, and asks "Santa, won't you please stay with me tonight?"
Santa replied, "ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta go. Gotta give presents to people I know"

Hearing this, she takes off her undergarments and faces Santa in the nude, asking "Santa please will you stay?"
Santa replied, "hey hey hey, gotta stay gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"

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On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is Little Johnny on his shiny new bike.

The cop says to the Little Johnny, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"Little Johnny replies, "Yeah."The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.Little Johnny takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that"s a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"Humoring Little Johnny, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."Little Johnny continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

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Bringing her home to meet mother

I told my new girlfriend that my mother was very hard of hearing and that she should speak loud and slow. I told my mother that my girlfriend was mentally challenged and to please be polite.
I'm looking forward to Christmas dinner.

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my great grandmother got me a ps4 for christmas

my so-so grandmother got me socks

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My lesbian neighbors got me a Rolex for Christmas

I guess they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.

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Someone actually wished me Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to you too, Team Snapchat

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How did Darth Vader know what Obi-Wan Kenobi was getting for Christmas?

He felt his presents…

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Kids these days

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

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Some Mexican jokes from a Mexican

So, it's okay for you to laugh...

Q: What's a Mexican's favorite bookstore?

A: Borders

Q: What's a Mexican's favorite sport?

A: Cross Country

Q: Why do Mexicans cross the border in pairs?

A: Because it says no tres passing.

Q: What do you call four Mexicans in quicksand?

A: Cuatro cinco

Q: Why do Mexicans have tamales for Christmas?

A: So they'll have something to unwrap.

Q: How do you keep a Mexican from stealing?

A: Put everything on the top shelf.

And lastly,

Q: What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

A: Juan on Juan


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Why didn't Captain Nemo get any Christmas presents?

Because he was on the Nautilus...

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My 5 year old daughter wants a Tampon for Christmas

She has no idea what it is, but she knows what you can do with it.
Swim, ride, hike, dance, play tennis, ...

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I got yelled at in LA today for singing Christmas Carols.

I guess they don't wanna hear about how the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful.

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I kept pulling the string from my Christmas hat and now its half the size

Oops, wrong thread

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A little boy calls his best friend on Christmas day...

HEY! So what did you get for Christmas? The second little boy pauses and says well I got a gift card and a t-shirt…you?

The first little boy excitedly replies Oh man, I got a new scooter, a new 3DS XL. A PS Vita. A new bike and were going to Disneyland on Friday. Can't believe all you got was a gift card and t-shirt! to which the second little boy replies well…at least I don't have cancer…

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A warning to all.

Be careful about drink driving as we are getting near to Christmas and the police are out checking on people.

Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few to many, not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was in a bus they just waved it past.

I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before and I'm not even sure where I got it from.

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You know why the gates of heaven are always left open?

Cuz Jesus was raised in a barn!

Merry Christmas everyone!

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Christmas Shopping

Bob and Sue were in a local shopping center just before Christmas.

Sue suddenly noticed that Bob was missing, and as they had a lot to do, she called him on his cell phone. Sue asked, "Bob, where are you? You know we have lots to do."

Bob said, "Do you remember the jewelry store we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with a diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time, and I said that one day I would get it for you."

Little tears started to flow down Sue's cheek, and she got all choked up. "Yes, I do remember that shop," she replied.

"Well, I'm at the Hooters next to that."

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I went to the garden centre today and bought a Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me, "Will you be putting that up yourself?"

I replied, "No, you sick fuck. I'll be putting it up in my living room."

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I can't believe christmas is 364 days away...

And people already have their decorations up.

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My parents tried to surprise me with a car this Christmas...

Fortunately they missed.

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Why do programmers get Halloween and Christmas mixed up?

Because Oct31 = Dec25

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A church has a rat problem

The church doesn't want to kill the rats so they trap them and release them far away, but the next day they are back.
Next they try ask them politely to leave, still they won't budge.
Finally the priest has one last idea, he baptized all the rats.

Now they only come at Christmas and Easter.

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What does a Christmas tree and a monk have in common?

They both have ornamental balls

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I bought a christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.

I said, "No, I'll probably put it in the living room"

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'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse...

I really should have invested in one of those carbon monoxide detectors.

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Me: Can I have a few extra days off before Christmas?"

Boss: It's May.

Me: Sorry, may I have a few days off before Christmas?

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Entrance to Heaven

Three men die on Christmas Eve and go to heaven, where they're met by Saint Peter. In order to get in, he tells them, you must each produce something representative of the holidays.

The first man digs into his pockets and pulls out a match and lights it. This represents a candle of hope. Impressed, Peter lets him in.

The second man pulls out a tangle of keys and shakes them. These are bells. He's allowed in too.

So, Peter says to the third man, what do you have?

The third man proudly shows him a pair of red panties.

What do these have to do with Christmas? asks Peter.

They're Carol's.

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What did the testicle say to the other testicle?

"Between you and me, I think something's up."

I'm slightly tipsy, this is probably a terrible joke. Merry Christmas!

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It's Christmas time at the Pearly Gates..

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates'
Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said
'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally
pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man
with a raised eyebrow and asked,
'And just what do those symbolize?'

The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'

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Onions and Christmas Trees

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s , they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions".

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry." This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree".

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes. Dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

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My girlfriend left me 6 weeks ago because she thinks I'm immature. Now I'm all alone on Christmas day and crying my eyes out

because Santa didn't come.

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What did the handless boy get for Christmas?

Gloves.

Just kidding, he's still trying to open his present.

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In the spirit of Christmas, I've decided to regift this joke.

A couple is walking in East Berlin on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.

"I think it's raining," says the man.

"No, it's snowing," replies the woman.

"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the main. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?

"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.

The man turns to his wife with a smile. "See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

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3 men die and go to heaven

At the Pearly Gates they're greeted by Saint Peter

Saint Peter: I will let you into heaven if you can show me a spirit of Christmas

The first man pulls out a leaf from his pocket and says "this represents the Christmas tree"

He is allowed into heaven

The second man pulls out his keys "these represent bells"

He is allowed into heaven

The third man pulls out a pair of women's underwear

Saint Peter: good lord what do those represent?!

The third man says "oh well these, these are Carols"

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As I was paying the cashier for my Christmas tree, he asked Are you going to put that up yourself?

No you sick fuck, I'm putting it up in the living room.

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A soccer mom walked into a tattoo parlor and asked for a Christmas tree on her left thigh and a turkey on the right thigh.

When they were done the artist asked why she wanted these tattoos.


She replied, "My husband always complains that there's nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

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I'm dreaming of a white Christmas...

...is one of Donald Trumps more offensive slogans.

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To all those that received a book from me for a Christmas present

They're due back at the library today.

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What did 50 cent say to his grandma when she gave him a scarf for Christmas?

Gee, you knit?

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Heard they weren't celebrating Christmas at the University of Alabama...

Couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

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I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas.

Now I'm fucking stuck taking care of a puppy.

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How did Darth Vader figure out what Luke was getting for Christmas?

He felt his presents.

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For christmas i bought my girlfriend a pair of shoes and a dildo.

That way if she doesnt like the shoes she can go fuck herself.

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364 days until Christmas

All these assholes have their decorations up already.

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Why is Christmas just like your job?

You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

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On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light...

.... and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid replies, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

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I ate an entire pack of rohypnol last night and it didn't even affect me...

Anyway, gotta go. I need to do some last minute Christmas shopping.

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Why was the letter E the only letter to get Christmas gifts?

Because all the other letters were "not E"

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I asked my husband for a bath bomb for Christmas

He got me a toaster.

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Why did Kim Jong-il die a week before December 25th?



Because Rudolph is the only deer leader at Christmas.

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I received a rolex for Christmas from the lesbian couple who live next door.

Now, while I am happy with the gift, I guess they didn`t quite understand what I meant when I told them, "I wanna watch".

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A rich guy and a poor guy are talking about what they got their wives for christmas...

the rich guy said, "I got my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring, so if she doesn't like the fur at least she'll have the ring." The poor guy said, "I got my wife a bathrobe and a dildo. If she doesn't like the robe, she can go fuck herself!"

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Whats the best thing about being a meth addict?

Only two more sleeps until christmas.

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A couple are walking in St. Petersburg square on Christmas Eve.

They start to feel some light precipitation


"I think it's raining" says the man


"No it's snowing" replies the woman.

"How about we ask this communist officer here?" "He is always right" exclaims the man.
"Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"


"Definitely raining" officer Rudolph replies before walking off.

The man turns to his wife and says.

"See? Rudolph the red knows rain, dear"

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To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present...

They are due back at the library today.

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I get my wife the same thing every year for Christmas, a dildo and a pair of slippers

If she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself

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What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?

Gloves.


Nah, I'm just kidding. He hasn't opened it yet.

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This Weekend I Bought a Christmas Tree...

I went to the garden center today and bought a freshly-cut Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me, Will you be putting that up yourself?

I replied, No, you sick fuck. I'll be putting it up in my living room.

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Electric Train

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

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Just been up in the loft getting the Christmas tree down, and I found a present from last year which we must have forgotten to give to the kids...

...shame really, they would have loved a kitten.

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My dad's lame holiday joke

During the holiday season, a man is aimlessly drifting around a shopping center, wondering what to get his wife for Christmas. Wandering into a pet store, he asks the shop assistant, "Hey, buddy, you got anything with a Christmas-type theme in here?"

"Well, there is Chet, the parrot," the assistant replies.

Chet looks like any normal parrot, nothing special, so the guy asks, "What's so Christmassy about him?"

"Well, he can sing Christmas carols," says the assistant.

"Really?"

"Yup," says the assistant. "Lemme show ya. See, all ya gotta do is light a match and hold it under his left foot, like so, and Chet'll go..."

"Awrrk! Frosty the Snowman was a jolly happy soul..." Chet sings.

"Wow, that's amazing! Does he do any more?"

"Sure does! Now, if you hold the match under his right foot instead, he'll go..."

"Awrrk! Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, had a very shiny nose..." Chet sings.

Well, now the guy is really impressed, but he has to ask, "Does Chet know any more carols?"

"Oh, sure, he knows one more! See, if you hold the match BETWEEN his two feet, he goes..."

"Awrrk! Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire..."

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I stayed at my girlfriends family's place durring the Christmas break.

Her father was being a prick and wouldn't let us sleep together, which is a shame, because he is a real good looking guy.

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I bought my Dad a cheap dictionary for Christmas.

He couldn't find the right words to thank me.

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Christmas always sucked when I was a kid...

I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents.

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What did Adam say to Eve on Christmas?

It's Christmas, Eve.

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What did the Scottish epileptic boy get for Christmas?

A Wii fit

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Why some put angels as Christmas tree toppers.

One year, Santa procrastinated too much and had an hour to go over his naughty nice list.

He was in a cabin gaining some progress when he heard a knock on his door. "Santa, we need your help in the workshop!"

Frustrated, Santa yelled "I'm busy right now, handle it yourselves. I can't afford to be interrupted!" And slammed the door.

Not 15 minutes later another knock is heard and his agitation is climbing. He opens the door and yells "What?!"

It was Mrs. Claus and she said startled "I brought you some food."

His face tuning red, he says "I've got a half hour left to check this list, I can't be interrupted!" He then slammed the door on his wife. He then says "I swear, the next interruption I get I'll just lose it."

About 20 minutes passed when he heard a knock at the door. He stormed to the door with a burning hatred when he opened it. It was an angel holding a Christmas tree. "Hey Santa, where do you want the tree?"

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A mother walks in on her son playing with his privates.

"Oh no..."

"What's wrong"

"Those soldiers were gonna be your Christmas present"

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Christmas gift to a friend... could afford much but the payphone is cheap.

Me: "Hello, is this the Police?"

Police: "Yes. What do you want?"

Me: "I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Jones! He is hiding marijuana inside logs of firewood in his woodshed"

Police:"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Police descend upon Billy's house. They search the woodshed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they split open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy and left his property.

Soon after they leave the phone rings at Billy's house:

Me: "Hey, Billy! Did the Police come?"

Billy: "Yeah!"

Me: "Did they chop your firewood?"

Billy: "Yep."

Me: "Merry Christmas, Buddy!"

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A woman walks into a tattoo parlor.

Asking the man in charge to put a picture of a turkey saying "Happy Thanksgiving!" on one thigh and a picture of Santa saying "Merry Christmas!" on the other. The man looked confused by her odd request, so he asked her why. She calmly looked at him and replied without even a stutter. "My husband always complains that there's nothing good to eat between Christmas and Thanksgiving."

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How does North Korea celebrate Christmas?

With missile tows

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What does the Pope and a Christmas tree have in common?

The balls are for decoration only

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At work I noticed the computer department have started putting Christmas decorations up

IT's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

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You better not.

I heard this on Christmas day from an elderly, retired preacher.

Two men were watching a dog lick himself. One of the guys said "Man, I sure wish I could do that!"

The other guy said, "You better not- that dog will bite you!"

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All Aboard!!

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her young son.


He was playing with his new electric train, in the living room.


She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop!


And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."


The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house.


Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS.


When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."


Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train.


Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.


We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.


We hope you will ride with us again soon."


She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat.


Remember, there is no smoking on the train.


We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."


As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen!"

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I can't believe Christmas is only 364 days away...

...feels like it was just yesterday.

*HA! you thought it was a repost didn't you. Well you're wrong. It's just my stupid alternate version of the joke. I probably found telling the joke more funny than you thought this joke was funny.* :)

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These three blondes where going to purchase a Christmas tree but they then decided to go into the forest to chop down a real one.

The first blonde said "I dont care how long it
takes us I want a perfect tree."

The other two blondes agreed saying "We won't
leave untill we find the right one."

Three days later they were still searching.
The first blonde looked at her two tired and
hungry friends and said "I promise the next
tree we come across we'll chop it down and
take it home and i wont care if it's decorated
for Christmas or not."

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Yesterday, I went to a Christmas Party

I had a few beers, followed by a few cocktails, followed by a few shots...

I still had the sense to know that I was over the limit. That's when I decided to do what I have never done before: I took a cab home.

Sure enough, there was a police road block on the way home, and since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was both a great relief and a surprise because I had never driven a cab before. I don't even know where I got it from, and now that it is in my garage, I don't know what to do with it.

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A woman goes to get a tattoo

The tattoo artist asks her what she wants and she points to her legs and says right here I want a great big Christmas Tree and on my left thigh I want a great big turkey.

Curious the tattoo artist asks why she wants these tattoos

The woman's answers. Because my husband always says there isn't anything good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

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My parents tried to surprise me with a car on Christmas

They missed...

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Three men die in a car crash on Christmas Eve...

When they get to the pearly gates, St. Peter is there to greet them.

"Welcome to Heaven!" exclaimed St. Peter, "Since this is Christmas time there is a special rule for getting in - you must have an ordinary object with you that you can interpret to represent Christmas."

The first man thinks for a second, and pulls out his keys, shaking them in front of St. Peter. "They're jingle bells!"

St. Peter lets the man in.

The second man digs through his pockets, finally producing a lighter, flicking in on for St. Peter. "It's a candle!"

St. Peter lets the man in.

The third man had been watching nervously as his friends were let in. He stood there, panicking, not being able to come up with anything. Eventually he excitedly pulls a pair of panties out of his pocket, waving them in front of St. Peter.

"I'm afraid I don't understand the connection." said St. Peter.

"They're Carol's" exclaims the man.

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Hoping to get a 4k tv after Christmas.

Making my new years resolution 3840 x 2160.

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My daughter told me she wanted a puppy for Christmas...

I told her "you're eating turkey like everyone else".

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So I got a thesaurus for Christmas...

but it is nothing to write house about.

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I hate myself a little for this...

What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?

GLOVES!

...Nah, just kidding!

*He still hasn't unwrapped his present!!!*

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A rich man and a poor man are talking on Christmas Eve

The rich man tell the poor man

"I got my wife a brand new Mercedes Benz and a set of diamond earring this year."

And the poor man asks "why did you get her these things?"

The rich man says "because If she doesn't like the earrings, she can drive the Mercedes to the jeweler to return them and still be happy".

The rich man asks the poor man what he got his wife this year.

The poor man says "I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo."

The rich man laughs and asks why he got her these things.

The poor man says "cause if she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself"

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A rich guy and his poor drinking buddy were at the bar before Christmas...

The rich guy, making small talk, goes

"So I got my wife a new diamond ring and a BMW for Christmas. That way if she doesn't like the ring, at least she'll still love the Beemer!"

The poor guy goes:

"Huh, well I got my wife a pair of pantyhose and a dildo. That way if she doesn't like the pantyhose, she can go fuck herself."

(Thanks Dad.)

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My drug dealer got me shoes for Christmas

I dont know what they were laced with, but I've been tripping ever since

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A woman is taken to court...

The judge asks, "What were you charged for?"

The women replied, "Doing my Christmas shopping too early."

When the judge asked her how early, she said, "Before the store opened."

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I was depressed, after some soul searching I discovered I sexually indentify as Mistletoe..

I can't wait to hang myself on Christmas.

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I got my kid a puppy as a gift, but it died before Christmas...

Now I'm stuck taking care of a puppy.

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Christmas Angel

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful Christmas tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'


And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

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A Russian couple was walking down the streets of Saint Petersburg on Christmas Eve

And they felt a slight precipitation on their heads.

"I think its raining" says the man

"No its snowing" says the woman

"How about we ask this communist officer here? He is always right!" The man exclaims. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"

"Definitely raining" he said before walking away.

The man turns to his wife and says with a smile. "See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

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Why do programmers always mix up Christmas and Halloween?

DEC 25 == OCT 31

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Three men died on Christmas Eve...

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."


The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It's a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The Paddy replied, "These are Carols".

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How do you make a blonde laugh at Easter?

Tell her a joke at Christmas

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A ventriloquist's car breaks down in the middle of nowhere.
He enters a nearby farm and asks the farmer if he can call for help.

After the call, the farmer asks :
- You look like a magician, can you do a trick ?
- Yes, I can make animals speak. Like that turkey :
*I'm worried, haven't seen Roger since Christmas and Bob since Thanksgiving.*
The farmer starts laughing.
- I can do it on the cat if you want :
*If I find the bastard that took my balls!*
The farmer is getting red
- Oh, a sheep, they often have the best stories.
Then, the farmer becomes white and shouts :
- No, don't listen to her, she always tells lies!

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What Do You Call A Line Of Men Waiting For A Haircut?

A Barbecue.

Christmas crackers are just full of laughs.

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What did the disappointed smoker get for Christmas?

Clothes but no cigar...

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A rich man and a poor man are sitting by a frozen pond one December

They come to discussing the Christmas presents that they've bought for their respective wives. The rich man says "I got my wife a diamond necklace and a Mercedez Benz". The poor man is astounded at his rich friend's largess. He asks "why did you get her the jewelry *and* the car?" The rich man says "Well, if she doesn't like the necklace, she can take it back to the jeweler's in the Mercedes." The rich man then asks his less wealthy chum about the gifts that he's bought. The poor man says "I got my wife a pair of slippers and a dildo." The rich man is surprised, and asks his friend why he got his wife a dildo, of all things. Without missing a beat, the poor man explains "I got it so that if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself."

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Divorce

A a man in his 70's calls his son to tell him he and his mother are getting a divorce. "Dad, you can't do this! You're not thinking straight." The son calls his sister to talk about it, and she is in agreement; their parents cannot do this. "Dad, we're flying out there tomorrow. Do not sign any papers, contact any lawyers, or even thinking about going down to the courthouse." After the dad gets off the phone, he looks over at his wife and says, "It worked. They'll be here for Christmas and are paying their own airfare."

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Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing.

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Christmas time. A mailman knocks at the door to deliver a package.

A voluptuous blonde answers it: "Hey honey, I'll give you your gift upstairs!"

An up they go, where she proceeds to fuck him senseless. After the deed is done, she brings him coffee and 5 bucks.

"What are the 5 bucks for?" asks the mailman.

"Oh, that was my husbands idea. I asked him, "Hey what should we give the mailman?" and he said, "Ah, screw him. Give him 5 bucks."

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I am faced with a Christmas dilemma

If I tell Santa what I want for Christmas, then I'll definitely be on the naughty list.

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Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump walk into a bar...

Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump walk into a bar on Christmas Eve.

Bernie Sanders says "Hello, can I have a drink?" and gets a drink.

Donald Trump walks up to the bartender and says "Merry Christmas, can I have a drink? By the way, bartender, you are extremely ugly. I f***ing hate you. You're also bald. I hope that you die soon. When I become president I will make sure to deport ugly and bald people like you."

The entire bar looks in shock. A news reporter, there at that time, says to a patron of the bar, who originated from the South, "What do you think of this?".

The patron replies "Absolutely f***ing disgusting - Bernie Sanders didn't say Merry Christmas!"

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Last year for Christmas, I got my girlfriend a t-shirt and a vibrator...

If she didn't like the t-shirt, she could go fuck herself.

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Seasonal Star Wars joke

> **Darth Vader**: Luke, I know what you're getting for Christmas.

> **Luke**: How?

> **Darth Vader**: I felt your presents.

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What is another name for Santa's elves?

Subordinate Clauses!

Merry Christmas everyone.

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A couple are walking through St Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve

They feel a slight precipitation.

The man says, "I think it's raining."

His wife disagrees, "No, it's snowing!"

Unable to agree, the man says, "why don't we ask the nice Communist officer over here? He's always right! Officer Rudolf, is it raining or snowing?"

"Definitely raining," said the officer before walking off.

"See?" the husband says, "Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."

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what did the boy with no arms get for Christmas?

I don't know, he hasn't opened it yet

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My Dad got me a thesaurus for Christmas last year

But when I opened it every single page was blank.
I didn't have the words to describe how angry I was.

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How to start a fight

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....

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A kid is pulled over on his bike by a cop.

It is Christmas Day, and a kid is riding down the street on his bicycle. An officer on horseback pulls over the lad, walks over to him, and jokingly asks,"Did you get that bike from Santa?" The boy replies with a yes.
The cop then says,"Next year ask Santa for some reflectors." and writes the kid a $20 ticket. The officer then gets on his horse. The child gets off his bike, walks over to the officer and asks,"Did Santa give you that horse?" The officer sarcastically says yes.
The child then says,"Next time ask Santa to put the dick on the bottom of the horse instead of the top."

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Some Christmas jokes!

**What is the best Christmas present in the world?**

A broken drum – you just can't beat it

**What did Adam say to his wife on the day before Christmas?**

It's Christmas, Eve!

**What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?**

Frostbite!

**Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing?**

They always drop their needles!

**Did Rudolph go to school?**

No. He was Elf-taught!

**Who is Santa's favorite singer?**

Elf-is Presley!

**What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar?**

He got 25 days!

**Why does Santa have three gardens?**

So he can 'ho ho ho'!

**What does Miley Cyrus have at Christmas?**

Twerky!

**Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?**

Because he had a low "elf" esteem!

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My wife slapped me when I told her I'm buying her a puppy for Christmas.

I thought she'd be excited to hear that she's getting a little husky...

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Why do programmers confuse Halloween with Christmas?

Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.

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Three men are talking about what they got their wives for Christmas...

the first man says, "i got my wife a purse and a macbook." "Why the macbook?" the other man asks. "Well thats easy, so if she doesnt like the purse she can return it online and get a new one". The other guy says, "oh i did the same thing I got my wife a ring and a bmw so if she didnt like the ring she could drive to the store and return it'. the third guy says, "great minds think alike-i got my wife slippers and a dildo". "a dildo?", the other men ask. "Yeah sure, so if she doesnt like the slippers she can go fuck herself"

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The usher in church greets one of their members...

and says "Welcome! You need to join the army of the Lord!"

The member says,"I am in the Lord's army".

The usher asked,"Then why do I only see you on Christmas and Easter?"

The member leaned over and whispered,"I'm in the Secret Service."

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What are the best Christmas puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Christmas? Well, here are the best jokes about Christmas to have fun with.

Joko Jokes