Christmas Jokes

165 christmas jokes and hilarious christmas puns to laugh out loud. Read holiday jokes about christmas that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Spread the Christmas cheer with these hilarious jokes! Whether you're looking for traditional Christmas cracker jokes, corny Christmas jokes, bad Christmas jokes, or cheesy Christmas jokes - there's something for everyone. Make your decorations extra special with these Santa Claus inspired gags, as well as some jokes about festive season during a time of covid.

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Funniest Christmas Short Jokes

Short christmas jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The christmas humour may include short santa claus jokes also.

  1. I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas... FML, now I'm stuck taking care of a puppy.
  2. Darth Vader: Luke, I know what you're getting for Christmas. Luke: How?
    Darth Vader: I felt your presents.
  3. What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? GLOVES! Nah, just kidding... He still hasn't unwrapped his present.
  4. I bought my son a fridge for Christmas. I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
  5. I asked my boss, Can I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas? He said, It's May.
    Sorry. , I replied, May I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?
  6. Jesus was born on Christmas, died on good friday and rose on Easter. What are the odds?!?!
  7. When Christmas was coming up, my kids asked for a puppy. When I got them one, they cried for days... I'll just get a turkey next year like normal.
  8. Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get Christmas presents? Because the rest of the letters are not-E.
  9. I'm a scientist who's researching b**... between humans and dogs… If you'd like more details, I'll be in my lab…
  10. For Christmas, I bought my wife new beads for her abacus It's the little things that count

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Christmas One Liners

Which christmas one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with christmas? I can suggest the ones about holiday and christmas cracker.

  1. Dear Satan, for Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.
  2. Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas Me: *sipping toast* why?
  3. Insomnia is terrible. But on the plus side... Only three more sleep till Christmas
  4. Why do programmers get confused between halloween and Christmas? Because
    OCT 31 = DEC 25
  5. What do you call a Christmas wreath made out of $100 bills? Aretha Franklins
  6. Why did the fox News Christmas tree catch fire? They left it too close to the gaslight.
  7. Mom, why am I getting Christmas gifts in July? Because it's cheaper than chemotherapy.
  8. What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas? COOOAAAALLL!!!
  9. This Christmas, I got a new car for my wife I thought it was a great trade.
  10. What's Hillary Clinton's favorite Christmas carol? Depends, what is yours?
  11. It's 364 days until christmas. And people already have their lights up!
  12. For Christmas my mum bought me a t-shirt saying, "I'm a nudist." I haven't worn it yet.
  13. my great grandmother got me a ps4 for christmas my so-so grandmother got me socks
  14. Someone actually wished me Merry Christmas Merry Christmas to you too, Team Snapchat
  15. Why didn't Captain Nemo get any Christmas presents? Because he was on the Nautilus...

After Christmas Jokes

Here is a list of funny after christmas jokes and even better after christmas puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • This is ridiculous. It's July 6th and people are still setting off fireworks. One almost caught our Christmas decorations on fire.
  • If anyone is alone this Christmas and has nobody to spend it with, please let me know.. I really need to borrow some chairs
  • My lesbian neighbors got me a Rolex for Christmas I guess they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
  • What's the difference between jelly and jam? Santa doesn't jelly himself down the chimney on Christmas Eve.
  • How did Darth Vader know what Obi-Wan Kenobi was getting for Christmas? He felt his presents…
  • I got yelled at in LA today for singing Christmas Carols. I guess they don't wanna hear about how the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful.
  • Knock Knock Knock knock
    Who's there?
    Mary who?
    Mary Christmas!
    Knock knock.
    Who's there?
    Anna who?
    Anna happy new year!
    Merry Christmas and a happy new year, Reddit :)
  • I kept pulling the string from my Christmas hat and now its half the size Oops, wrong thread
  • What did Adam say the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve.
  • You know why the gates of heaven are always left open? Cuz Jesus was raised in a barn!

Santa Christmas Jokes

Here is a list of funny santa christmas jokes and even better santa christmas puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My girlfriend left me 6 weeks ago because she thinks I'm immature. Now I'm all alone on Christmas day and crying my eyes out because Santa didn't come.
  • What's the first thing Mrs Clause did when Santa got home on Christmas morning ? Emptied his sack.
  • One Christmas, a little boy wrote to Santa Claus saying, Please send me a sister. Santa Claus wrote him back, OK, please send me your mother.
  • I am faced with a Christmas dilemma If I tell Santa what I want for Christmas, then I'll definitely be on the naughty list.
  • What is another name for Santa's elves? Subordinate Clauses!
  • Santa played a round of golf on Christmas day to relax and hit a birdie.... It was a partridge on a par 3.
  • When I Was A Child Santa Gave Me Coal One Year For Christmas, So I Poisoned His Cookies And Milk Somehow he found out and killed my dad!
  • How much does it cost to run Santa's sleigh every Christmas? Eight bucks
    Nine bucks if the weather is bad.
  • Amazon is a lot like Santa Clause It brings gifts to our homes, gets busy around christmas and is very eager for our cookies.
  • What did Santa get the day after Christmas? Diabetes
Christmas joke, What did Santa get the day after Christmas?

Christmas Present Jokes

Here is a list of funny christmas present jokes and even better christmas present puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What did the handless boy get for Christmas? Gloves.
    Just kidding, he's still trying to open his present.
  • To all those that received a book from me for a Christmas present They're due back at the library today.
  • Just been up in the loft getting the Christmas tree down, and I found a present from last year which we must have forgotten to give to the kids...
    ...shame really, they would have loved a kitten.
  • A mother walks in on her son playing with his privates. "Oh no..."
    "What's wrong"
    "Those soldiers were gonna be your Christmas present"
  • A 7 year old kid happily asks him mum Kid: Mummy, why am I getting my Christmas present on 18th August?
    Mum: Because it's cheaper than chemotherapy, son.
  • How does Darth Vader know what he's getting for Christmas? He feels his presents
    (This is my only Christmas joke and I am deeply ashamed of that)
  • Uncle came over for Christmas, and told me these wisdoms: "Forget the future, you cannot predict it. Forget the past, you cannot change it." "And forget the present, I didn't get you one."
  • What did the guy without hands get for christmas? We don't know, he hasn't opened the present yet
  • I bought my wife a wooden leg for Christmas. It's not her main present, just a stocking filler
  • Why are socks a bad Christmas present for Daddy Bear? Because he will always have bare feet.

Day After Christmas Jokes

Here is a list of funny day after christmas jokes and even better day after christmas puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I can't believe christmas is 364 days away... And people already have their decorations up.
  • Me: Can I have a few extra days off before Christmas?" Boss: It's May.
    Me: Sorry, may I have a few days off before Christmas?
  • I can't believe Christmas is only 364 days away... ...feels like it was just yesterday.
  • Why is Christmas just like another day in the office? Because you do all the hard work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
  • Ordered some Christmas presents online the other day and used my donor card instead of my debit card. Cost me an arm and a leg.
  • I went to buy a Christmas tree the other day, and the shop assistant said "Are you thinking if putting it up yourself?" I said "no, i was thinking the living room".
  • "Did you know that Christmas day falls on a Friday this year?" said one blonde to another. "Oh dear!!" her friend replied, "I hope it's not the 13th?"
  • I wish I was Jesus so instead of listening to the same Christmas songs every day if the office, I could be dead.
  • If anybody received a book from me at Christmas They'll be due back at the library in the next few days.
  • Came out to my parents at Christmas. Later that day my nephew asked to play hide and go seek. Now I'm back in the closet.

Christmas Cracker Jokes

Here is a list of funny christmas cracker jokes and even better christmas cracker puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What Do You Call A Line Of Men Waiting For A Haircut? A Barbecue.
  • It's the year 2070. Instead of putting funny one-liners in Christmas crackers, they put them in timecapsules embedded in space-rocks and send them to other planets. The real joke is in the comets
  • What did the sea say to the shore? Nothing, he just waved.
  • What do you get when you cross an apple with a Christmas tree? A pear.
  • What did the puppy say when it sat on sandpaper? Ruff
  • What do you call a horse in pyjamas? A nightmare.
  • Q: Did you hear about the man who stole the advent calendar?
    A: He got 25 days.
  • Christmas c**... joke: Why do birds fly south in the winter? Because they can't afford the train!
    Sorry, but I'm eating alone this Christmas and have no one here to tell it to.
  • Christmas c**... joke A bottle of lemonade fell on a barmans head. Why wasn't he hurt? It was a soft drink.
  • What happened to the dog that ate a Christmas tree? He f**... a c**....
Christmas joke, What happened to the dog that ate a Christmas tree?

Cheeky Christmas Jokes that Will Make You and Your Friends Chuckle

What funny jokes about christmas you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean christmas tree jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make christmas pranks.

My Son is such a c**t...

I bought him a new trampoline for Christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.

For Christmas, I bought my wife a world map and gave her a dart. I told her to throw it and wherever it lands, we will go on vacation after this pandemic is over.

Turns out we are spending two weeks behind the fridge.

My wife doesn't know this, but I put a dollar in an envelope every time we have s**.... This is all I'm spending for her Christmas present.

So far she's getting a McChicken.

A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve

They feel a slight precipitation.
"I think it's raining," says the man.
"No, it's snowing," replies the woman.
"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"
"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
The man turns to his wife with a smile. See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.

The guy was in the store buying a fake Christmas tree.

The shop attendant asked him, "Are you going to put that tree up yourself?"
The guy replied, "Don't be disgusting! I'm going to put it in the living room!"

My government is spreading obviously false covid-19 info about x-mas parties

Here in Sweden the government lies and says that we can have Christmas gatherings of up to 8 people without any problems. Such obvious bull! Who knows 8 people without any problems?

Bringing her home to meet mother

I told my new girlfriend that my mother was very hard of hearing and that she should speak loud and slow. I told my mother that my girlfriend was mentally challenged and to please be polite.
I'm looking forward to Christmas dinner.

A little boy calls his best friend on Christmas day...

HEY! So what did you get for Christmas? The second little boy pauses and says well I got a gift card and a t-shirt…you?
The first little boy excitedly replies Oh man, I got a new scooter, a new 3DS XL. A PS Vita. A new bike and were going to Disneyland on Friday. Can't believe all you got was a gift card and t-shirt! to which the second little boy replies well…at least I don't have cancer…

My 5 year old daughter wants a t**... for Christmas

She has no idea what it is, but she knows what you can do with it.
Swim, ride, hike, dance, play tennis, ...

My parents tried to surprise me with a car this Christmas...

Fortunately they missed.

A church has a rat problem

The church doesn't want to kill the rats so they trap them and release them far away, but the next day they are back.
Next they try ask them politely to leave, still they won't budge.
Finally the priest has one last idea, he baptized all the rats.
Now they only come at Christmas and Easter.

I bought a christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.

I said, "No, I'll probably put it in the living room"

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse...

I really should have invested in one of those carbon monoxide detectors.

If anyone is spending Christmas alone this year, please let me know.

I need to borrow some chairs

A soccer mom walked into a tattoo parlor and asked for a Christmas tree on her left thigh and a turkey on the right thigh.

When they were done the artist asked why she wanted these tattoos.
She replied, "My husband always complains that there's nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

Totally sick of idiots letting fireworks off early, it's still October for goodness sake!!!

Dog is going mad and keeps knocking the Christmas tree over!

I'm giving up drinking till christmas

Bad punctuation, can't edit title
I'm giving up. Drinking till Christmas.

Kids said they wanted a cat for Christmas.

Normally we have turkey, but ok...

What did 50 cent say to his grandma when she gave him a scarf for Christmas?

Gee, you knit?

Despite the pandemic, my family decided to get together for a big dinner this Christmas

The food was bad though, didn't taste like anything

Heard they weren't celebrating Christmas at the University of Alabama...

Couldn't find three wise men and a v**....

Why is Christmas just like your job?

You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

I received a rolex for Christmas from the lesbian couple who live next door.

Now, while I am happy with the gift, I guess they didn`t quite understand what I meant when I told them, "I wanna watch".

What did the kid with no hands get for Christmas?

Just kidding, I'm actually not sure, they haven't opened it yet.

I ate an entire pack of rohypnol last night and it didn't even affect me...

Anyway, gotta go. I need to do some last minute Christmas shopping.

Why was the letter E the only letter to get Christmas gifts?

Because all the other letters were "not E"

I asked my husband for a bath bomb for Christmas

He got me a toaster.

Jesus's favorite gun

My uncle is a member of the NRA. He came over for the Christmas dinner wearing a shirt with Jesus on it. I noticed his shirt and complimented it.
He then took his jacket off and showed me the back. On it, Jesus was holding a PK in one hand and an AK-47 on the other. Above it was text that reads "What would Jesus shoot?" That question was a no brainer. I answered "a nail gun."
I don't know why he got mad. Jesus was a carpenter.

Why did Kim Jong-il die a week before December 25th?

Because Rudolph is the only deer leader at Christmas.

Whats the best thing about being a m**... addict?

Only two more sleeps until christmas.

What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?

Nah, I'm just kidding. He hasn't opened it yet.

I bought my Dad a cheap dictionary for Christmas.

He couldn't find the right words to thank me.

Christmas always s**... when I was a kid...

I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents.

What did Adam say to Eve on Christmas?

It's Christmas, Eve.

What did the Scottish epileptic boy get for Christmas?

A Wii fit

What type of tree does a Satanist get for Christmas?

A Lucy Fir

Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise.

He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it's fine.

A woman walks into a tattoo parlor.

Asking the man in charge to put a picture of a turkey saying "Happy Thanksgiving!" on one thigh and a picture of Santa saying "Merry Christmas!" on the other. The man looked confused by her odd request, so he asked her why. She calmly looked at him and replied without even a stutter. "My husband always complains that there's nothing good to eat between Christmas and Thanksgiving."

Say what you will about Die Hard, but it has the best ending for a Christmas movie…

Hans down.

You better not.

I heard this on Christmas day from an elderly, retired preacher.
Two men were watching a dog lick himself. One of the guys said "Man, I sure wish I could do that!"
The other guy said, "You better not- that dog will bite you!"

Christmas joke, You better not.

jokes about christmas