Christmas Gift Jokes

96 christmas gift jokes and hilarious christmas gift puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about christmas gift that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Christmas Gift Short Jokes

Short christmas gift jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The christmas gift humour may include short christmas present jokes also.

  1. I received a rolex for Christmas from the lesbian couple who live next door. Now, while I am happy with the gift, I guess they didn`t quite understand what I meant when I told them, "I wanna watch".
  2. Why was the letter E the only letter to get Christmas gifts? Because all the other letters were "not E"
  3. A broken drum is the best gift for Christmas You just can't beat it.
    On the other hand, a wife would be the worst gift because you definitely can...
  4. I ground up my ctrl key and gift wrapped it. The card reads: This is ground ctrl.
    TO: Major Tom

    (Merry Christmas David Bowie!)
  5. Amazon is a lot like Santa Clause It brings gifts to our homes, gets busy around christmas and is very eager for our cookies.
  6. My Chinese roommate and I decided to give each other homemade christmas gifts this year! I'm hoping for an iPad!
  7. This year, I'm going to save money on Christmas gifts by bringing up politics during Thanksgiving dinner.
  8. Nick Cannon one tried gifting Mariah Carey a parcel of land for the holidays but she wasn't happy. She told me, I don't want a lot for Christmas.
  9. Eminem needs to release an aftershave and shower gel gift set for Christmas Eminessence and Marshal Lathers.
  10. Christmas!!! Q: Why dont Chinese people believe in Santa Claus.
    A: Cuz they make the gifts....

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Christmas Gift One Liners

Which christmas gift one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with christmas gift? I can suggest the ones about birthday gift and birthday present.

  1. Mom, why am I getting christmas gifts in July? Because it's cheaper than chemotherapy.
  2. Why was Kanye's Christmas gift to Kim spoiled? Because he's a bad wrapper
  3. What is a Christmas gift’s favorite type of music? Wrap.
  4. Darth Vader: Luke, I know what you're getting for Christmas. Luke: How?
    Darth Vader: I felt your presents.
  5. You know what I want for Christmas? Santa. Then I can get as many gifts as I want.
  6. What gift do you get for someone that's in a dark place this Christmas? A flashlight.
  7. What's the worst gift to give to a Jewish person on Christmas? Literally anything.
  8. More babies are born in September More people get f*cking gifts for Christmas
  9. What gift did i get from the girl i like for Christmas? A broken heart .
  10. The best gag gift for Christmas...
  11. Women are like Christmas gifts... They lose value after 25.
  12. Who brings the lads cheeky gifts at Christmas? Banta
  13. who gave a dyslexic child a gift last christmas? Satan
  14. If your friend is into b**...... Should you get them a gag gift for Christmas?
  15. How does Snoop give Eminem a Christmas gift? g**... wrapped.

Cheerful Fun Christmas Gift Jokes for Lovely Laughter

What funny jokes about christmas gift you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean gift ideas jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make christmas gift pranks.

I am one bottle of shower gel away from being able to open my own Christmas gift shop in my shower.

I wasn't planning on giving Christmas gifts this year until I heard about those exploding Samsung Galaxy phones.

Larry was not a good gift giver.

Every time he gave his wife a gift for Christmas, her birthday, or their anniversary, she complained about what a sucky gift it was. She was starting to get angry.
"Larry, the next time you give me a bad gift, I will light it on fire!"
A week later was Larry's wife's birthday. She came down to see only one small box. She sighed and went to go get a lighter. She opened up the present. It was a candle.

A little boy calls his best friend on Christmas day...

HEY! So what did you get for Christmas? The second little boy pauses and says well I got a gift card and a t-shirt…you?
The first little boy excitedly replies Oh man, I got a new scooter, a new 3DS XL. A PS Vita. A new bike and were going to Disneyland on Friday. Can't believe all you got was a gift card and t-shirt! to which the second little boy replies well…at least I don't have cancer…

Christmas gift to a friend... could afford much but the payphone is cheap.

Me: "Hello, is this the Police?"
Police: "Yes. What do you want?"
Me: "I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Jones! He is hiding m**... inside logs of firewood in his woodshed"
Police:"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Police descend upon Billy's house. They search the woodshed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they split open every piece of wood, but find no m**.... They swore at Billy and left his property.
Soon after they leave the phone rings at Billy's house:
Me: "Hey, Billy! Did the Police come?"
Billy: "Yeah!"
Me: "Did they chop your firewood?"
Billy: "Yep."
Me: "Merry Christmas, Buddy!"

Santa's Jokes

Question: What's red and white and gives presents to good little fish on Christmas?
Answer: Sandy Claws.
Question: Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
So he can h**...-h**...-h**....
Question: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Answer: Frostbite.
Question: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.
Question: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
Answer: Ribbon hood.
Question: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Answer: Claustrophobic.
Question: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Answer: Snowflakes.
Question: Why did the little girl change her mind about buying her grandmother a packet od handkerchiefs for Christmas?
Answer: She said "I could not work out what size her nose was!
Question: What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?
Answer: It was wound up already.
Question: What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?
Answer: Forty feet of track - all straight!
I wanna tell you what kind of luck I've got. If this year I cornered the mistletoe market, they'd postpone Christmas.
Christmas: When you exchange hellos with strangers and good buys with friends.
Christmas is the time when people put so many bulbs on the outside of their houses, you don't know if they're celebrating the birth of Jesus or General Electric.
Do you know what it is like to put up fifteen hundred Christmas lights on the roof of a house? The kids are giving two to one I'm gonna come down the chimney before Santa Claus does.
Christmas in Los Angeles is always interesting. Seeing carolers dressed in Bermuda shorts...groping their way through the smog singing: "It came upon a midnight clear."
Every Christmas pageant throughout the world has a scene showing Joseph leading Mary into Bethlehem on a donkey. Do you realize what would happen if the Republicans asked for equal time?
Did you hear about the Beverly Hills school Christmas pageant? Two kids dressed as Mary and Joseph and they are on their way to the inn in Bethlehem. On the other side of the stage, a boy in a shepherd's outfit is on a mobile/ cellular phone, calling for reservations.
Sometimes I get the feelin that if Christmas, Father's Day and birthdays did not exist, then aftershave too, would not exist.

Christmas in July

A guy wants to get a really unique gift for his new wife for their fist Christmas together so he walks into a pet store with a sign advetising an amazing singing parrot. He goes to the counter to explain his situation and inquires about the bird. The shop keeper explains the bird would be perfect and takes the man over to show him what the bird can do.
The shop keeper explains that the bird's name is Chet and that he works on cues then produces a book of matches from his pocket. Lighting one he holds it below the parrots right foot and immediately Chet begins to sing "Silent Night" so beuatiful it rivals Perry Como. The keeper then moves the match to the left foot and Chet begans singing "White Christmas" even more beautifully than the first song.
The man exclaims "Thats amazing, does he know any other songs?"
Oh yes, replies the shop keeper as he moves the match to between the birds legs..."Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire"

Red-nosed Rudolph was hit by a 747 and a flock of seagulls on Christmas Eve during a gift delivery over Barcelona

The reindeer in Spain was hit mainly by the plane
(Courtesy of Colin Mochrie)

Christmas gift

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"
The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."
"No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe; she fakes it with Ken."

Cemetery Plot for Christmas

One Christmas time, an elderly woman opens her present from her son-in-law and discovers a cemetery plot inside. Despite the confusion, she thanks him very much for the gift.
The following Christmas, she approaches her son-in-law and asks where her present is. He simply replies that he didn't get one for her.
"Why not?! You always get me a gift..."
"Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year!!"

Kentucky Christmas

What is the worst part of being a kid in Kentucky at Christmas? Only having one set of grandparents buying you gifts.

My sister is gifting me some rain forest this Christmas...

Is it possible to hire some local loggers or will I have to travel to Brazil and cut it down myself?

A husband got his mother-in-law a cemetery plot for Christmas.

It came with a coffin, tomb stone, the works. Next Christmas comes by and the husband gets her nothing. When the mother-in-law asks, "Why didn't you get me a gift?" the husband says, "You haven't used the one I got you last year!"

A h**... is a lot like a Christmas gift...

It's fun to unwrap, but you never know what you're gonna get.

A son asks his father

Son: Dad, what do I give my
girlfriend as a Christmas gift?
Dad : How does she look?
Son: She looks sweet, pretty, fun to be with, and even tall and also fair in complexion.
Dad : Give her my number.

My girlfriend wants a Christmas Gift she can wear...

I'm going to give her a f**....

I forgot :(

Whilst climbing in the roof space to get down the kids Christmas gifts, I found a present I'd forgotten last year.
Such a shame - they would have loved that puppy.

What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?

I don't know. He still hasn't opened his gifts.

Got my mother in law a cemetery plot for Christmas once, and the next year didn't buy her anything. When she asked me why I didn't buy a gift for her I said.....

... because you still haven't used the one I got you last year.

How to start a fight

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....

People question the Christmas present I got for my mother

They say a fridge is a terrible gift when she already has one. But when I saw here face light up upon opening it, all doubts where gone.

My new girl friend is always saying Christmas gifts should be "personal". So I was disappointed to discover... whole family named on the court order.

So you think your Christmas gift was bad? I got a Bonnie Tyler Sat Nav

It keeps telling me to "turn around" and every now and then it falls apart...

I told my Chinese friend that I like homemade gifts....

So for Christmas he gave me an iPhone, iPad and an iMac.

Putting all this paper on the gifts I bought everyone this Christmas season made me realize something..

I'm almost a worse wrapper than Lil Wayne

I give my family the best gift there is to give every Christmas.

I give them the gift of giving.. presents to me.

Just in time for Christmas, the gift for people who like peace and quiet...

...a phoneless cord.

I had to take back all the home-made gifts I gave out for Christmas this year...

Apparently my Wife didn't like the idea everyone having a copy of our s**... tape.

My friend and I had a deal that we would buy sucky gifts for each other on Christmas.

He got me an empty bottle of whisky.
I got him a vacuum cleaner.
Who won? who lost?
you decide

A child psychologist had twin boys

one was an optimist; the other, a pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on Christmas Day he loaded the pessimist's room with toys and games. In the optimist's room, he dumped a pile of horse droppings.
That night, the father found the pessimist surrounded by his gifts, crying.
What's wrong? the father asked.
I have a ton of game manuals to read … I need batteries … and my toys will all eventually get broken! sobbed the pessimist.
Passing the optimist's room, the father found him dancing for joy around the pile of droppings. Why are you so happy? he asked.
The optimist shouted, There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!

The perfect gift for somebody who is always complaining that they have no money to buy gifts for all their kids at Christmas...

A box of condoms.

In London this Christmas one in 5 children will not get a gift from Santa

One in every 5 children will not have a Christmas dinner with their parents
One in every 5 children will not have a Christmas tree in their house
This is not a message from the Salvation Army or unicef for you to donate
One in every 5 kids in London is a Muslim and they don't celebrate Christmas

Santa comes to the White House....

Santa arrives at the White House and hands Donald Trump his Christmas present. Trump excitedly tears open his gift then looks up at Santa in shock. "What?", Santa exclaims. "I thought you LOVED coal.

A kid asks his mom: "Mom, why am I getting a Christmas gift in August?"

The mom answers:
\- Because it's cheaper than chemotherapy.

A blind person gets a cheese grater as a Christmas gift from a friend.

A week passes and he calls his friend and says to him : " That's one of the most violent books i've ever read".

If you think of everything in life as a gift: every day is like Christmas. . .

With the relative learning how to knit.

I gave my friend gifts of gold and frankincense last Christmas

It'll keep him coming back for myrrh

Sorry kids, you won't get your Christmas gifts in time this year.

Santa is with Amazon Logistics now.

I'm looking forward to saving a lot of money on gifts this Christmas.

I plan on taking politics tomorrow night.

After a few hours of meaningful conversation, a p**... asked Santa

what Christmas gift he would like to get if he were to receive one.
Without hesitation, Santa answered: h**... h**... h**...

My wife always complains I buy c**... Christmas gifts. So I got her a Tourette's Alarm clock.

She is in for a rude awakening.

I bought my wife a gift for Christmas and hid it in the perfect spot, a place she would never look.

I put it in her l**... drawer.

My wife said to me that if i got another s**... gift this Christmas , she would burn it

So, i brought her a candle

It's Christmas. TIL Santa Clause really hate gay people.

Ever since I told my family I'm gay, I haven't have any christmas gifts.

I was wondering when I should open my Christmas gifts this year

But really there's no time like the present

what is something you can give out as a Christmas gift but still able to keep it at the same time?


Why are Carpenters the easiest to get Christmas gifts for?

All they want for Christmas is Yew.

When Jesus was given his gifts by the wise men...

Were they birthday presents or Christmas presents?

Two brothers open their gifts on Christmas Day...

Two brothers, Jack and Charlie, open their gifts on Christmas Day, only to find that Jack has been spoiled with everything he ever wanted. Seeing his brother so jealous, Jack is basking in his smugness.
_Jack:_ I got so many gifts, I don't even know where to keep them!
_Charlie:_ Was cancer on your letter to Santa?

My parents' Christmas gift for me.

When Christmas day arrived, I was so excited to open my gifts that I woke up before my alarm. I went down stairs and opened a thin, rectangular box. It was a book! The title read, Anti-gravity. I read that book the whole day as I couldn't put it down.

Christmas night

One night as santa was doing his usual job of putting gifts under the Christmas tree a kid woke up and asked Santa
"Santa? Why are your sacks so big?"
"Because i come once a year"

Christmas gift giving advice for the man who has everything.

A gal walks into a bar and orders a beer. "What do you get the man who has everything for Christmas?" she asks the bartender. "A divorce," the bartender replies. "Then he'll only have half of everything."

Christmas gifts will be delivered on January 8 this year instead of December 25

Santa has been asked to quarantine for 14 days.

As I was inserting my third battery into my new toy gift...

My dad remarked that this wasn't the kind of puppy that needed batteries.
Merry Christmas!

Its still christmas time

I really appreciate how some people still give gifts to poor guys on the street, even after christmas.
For example yesterday I saw someone giving his credit card and 5k$ to a guy who only had a knife...

Unused Christmas present.

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift,The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
She asked me: Why,?
I replied. "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

I made an IRL dad joke a few weeks back...

and it may be my crowning achievement.
We did a delayed Christmas at the in-laws a few weekends back (COVID happened) and my FIL is the kind of jokester that does things like wrap one boot in one present for his wife and the other boot in another.
Mom-in-Law says, "look at him, stretching one gift into two...."
Father-in-law then opens a gift from her and it's a winter vest. Without missing a beat I say, "look who's stretching gifts now, where's the box with the sleeves!?"
I never post so I had to build karma before sharing but hopefully it was worth the wait!

If you give someone a Mahler symphony record as a gift

Would it be considered a Gustav Christmas Present?

jokes about christmas gift