Christmas Gift Jokes
83 christmas gift jokes and hilarious christmas gift puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about christmas gift that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Christmas Gift Short Jokes
Short christmas gift jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The christmas gift humour may include short christmas present jokes also.
- A broken drum is the best gift for Christmas You just can't beat it.
On the other hand, a wife would be the worst gift because you definitely can... - I ground up my ctrl key and gift wrapped it. The card reads: This is ground ctrl.
TO: Major Tom
(Merry Christmas David Bowie!) - Amazon is a lot like Santa Clause It brings gifts to our homes, gets busy around christmas and is very eager for our cookies.
- My Chinese roommate and I decided to give each other homemade christmas gifts this year! I'm hoping for an iPad!
- This year, I'm going to save money on Christmas gifts by bringing up politics during Thanksgiving dinner.
- Nick Cannon one tried gifting Mariah Carey a parcel of land for the holidays but she wasn't happy. She told me, I don't want a lot for Christmas.
- Eminem needs to release an aftershave and shower gel gift set for Christmas Eminessence and Marshal Lathers.
- Christmas!!! Q: Why dont Chinese people believe in Santa Claus.
A: Cuz they make the gifts.... - Christmas night One night as santa was doing his usual job of putting gifts under the Christmas tree a kid woke up and asked Santa
"Santa? Why are your sacks so big?"
"Because i come once a year" - I gave my friend gifts of gold and frankincense last Christmas It'll keep him coming back for myrrh
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Christmas Gift One Liners
Which christmas gift one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with christmas gift? I can suggest the ones about birthday gift and birthday present.
- Mom, why am I getting christmas gifts in July? Because it's cheaper than chemotherapy.
- Why was Kanye's Christmas gift to Kim spoiled? Because he's a bad wrapper
- You know what I want for Christmas? Santa. Then I can get as many gifts as I want.
- What gift do you get for someone that's in a dark place this Christmas? A flashlight.
- More babies are born in September More people get f*cking gifts for Christmas
- What gift did i get from the girl i like for Christmas? A broken heart .
- The best gag gift for Christmas...
- Who brings the lads cheeky gifts at Christmas? Banta
- who gave a dyslexic child a gift last christmas? Satan
- If your friend is into b**...... Should you get them a gag gift for Christmas?
- How does Snoop give Eminem a Christmas gift? g**... wrapped.
- My girlfriend wants a Christmas Gift she can wear... I'm going to give her a f**....
- Women are like Christmas gifts... They lose value after 25.
Cheerful Fun Christmas Gift Jokes for Lovely Laughter
What funny jokes about christmas gift you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean gift ideas jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make christmas gift pranks.
I am one bottle of shower gel away from being able to open my own Christmas gift shop in my shower.
I wasn't planning on giving Christmas gifts this year until I heard about those exploding Samsung Galaxy phones.
Is it Scotch?
For Christmas, the children brought gifts for their teacher.
The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied.
She tasted another drop and asked,"Champagne?
"No," said the little boy............."It's a puppy!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Larry was not a good gift giver.
Every time he gave his wife a gift for Christmas, her birthday, or their anniversary, she complained about what a sucky gift it was. She was starting to get angry.
"Larry, the next time you give me a bad gift, I will light it on fire!"
A week later was Larry's wife's birthday. She came down to see only one small box. She sighed and went to go get a lighter. She opened up the present. It was a candle.
A little boy calls his best friend on Christmas day...
HEY! So what did you get for Christmas? The second little boy pauses and says well I got a gift card and a t-shirt…you?
The first little boy excitedly replies Oh man, I got a new scooter, a new 3DS XL. A PS Vita. A new bike and were going to Disneyland on Friday. Can't believe all you got was a gift card and t-shirt! to which the second little boy replies well…at least I don't have cancer…
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Christmas gift to a friend... could afford much but the payphone is cheap.
Me: "Hello, is this the Police?"
Police: "Yes. What do you want?"
Me: "I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Jones! He is hiding m**... inside logs of firewood in his woodshed"
Police:"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Police descend upon Billy's house. They search the woodshed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they split open every piece of wood, but find no m**.... They swore at Billy and left his property.
Soon after they leave the phone rings at Billy's house:
Me: "Hey, Billy! Did the Police come?"
Billy: "Yeah!"
Me: "Did they chop your firewood?"
Billy: "Yep."
Me: "Merry Christmas, Buddy!"
My 89 year old Grandpa told me this one tonight... An elderly man bought his wife a Christmas present
An elderly man was trying to figure out what to buy his wife for Christmas. Knowing they already had everything they needed he decided to give his wife a Tombstone. She opened the present and thought. "OOOOKKKAYYYYY.. Sure, Thank you" She thought the gesture was nice and a little weird at the same time.
The next year the entire family was having Christmas together and the elderly man had bought great gifts for everybody but his elderly wife. His kids and grand kids were so thankful and happy.
After everything was done his wife said "Hey! What about me? You didn't get me anything?" The elderly Man replied "Why would I get you anything this year? You still haven't used what I got you last year!!"
Warm Milk
In a convent in Ireland , the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The
nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.
They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it.
One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a
bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous
Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail
nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had
finished the whole glass down to the last drop.
As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to
have one last talk with their spiritual leader..
"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly,
"Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us."
She raised herself up in bed on one elbow,
looked at them and said: "
"DON'T SELL THAT COW."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Santa's Jokes
Question: What's red and white and gives presents to good little fish on Christmas?
Answer: Sandy Claws.
Question: Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
So he can h**...-h**...-h**....
Question: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Answer: Frostbite.
Question: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.
Question: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
Answer: Ribbon hood.
Question: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Answer: Claustrophobic.
Question: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Answer: Snowflakes.
Question: Why did the little girl change her mind about buying her grandmother a packet od handkerchiefs for Christmas?
Answer: She said "I could not work out what size her nose was!
Question: What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?
Answer: It was wound up already.
Question: What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?
Answer: Forty feet of track - all straight!
I wanna tell you what kind of luck I've got. If this year I cornered the mistletoe market, they'd postpone Christmas.
Christmas: When you exchange hellos with strangers and good buys with friends.
Christmas is the time when people put so many bulbs on the outside of their houses, you don't know if they're celebrating the birth of Jesus or General Electric.
Do you know what it is like to put up fifteen hundred Christmas lights on the roof of a house? The kids are giving two to one I'm gonna come down the chimney before Santa Claus does.
Christmas in Los Angeles is always interesting. Seeing carolers dressed in Bermuda shorts...groping their way through the smog singing: "It came upon a midnight clear."
Every Christmas pageant throughout the world has a scene showing Joseph leading Mary into Bethlehem on a donkey. Do you realize what would happen if the Republicans asked for equal time?
Did you hear about the Beverly Hills school Christmas pageant? Two kids dressed as Mary and Joseph and they are on their way to the inn in Bethlehem. On the other side of the stage, a boy in a shepherd's outfit is on a mobile/ cellular phone, calling for reservations.
Sometimes I get the feelin that if Christmas, Father's Day and birthdays did not exist, then aftershave too, would not exist.
A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife.
The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols. He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird.
The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter.
The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night."
The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way."
The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him. He rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent.
Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night." He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells."
The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead.
Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing "Chet's nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!"
Christmas in July
A guy wants to get a really unique gift for his new wife for their fist Christmas together so he walks into a pet store with a sign advetising an amazing singing parrot. He goes to the counter to explain his situation and inquires about the bird. The shop keeper explains the bird would be perfect and takes the man over to show him what the bird can do.
The shop keeper explains that the bird's name is Chet and that he works on cues then produces a book of matches from his pocket. Lighting one he holds it below the parrots right foot and immediately Chet begins to sing "Silent Night" so beuatiful it rivals Perry Como. The keeper then moves the match to the left foot and Chet begans singing "White Christmas" even more beautifully than the first song.
The man exclaims "Thats amazing, does he know any other songs?"
Oh yes, replies the shop keeper as he moves the match to between the birds legs..."Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire"
Red-nosed Rudolph was hit by a 747 and a flock of seagulls on Christmas Eve during a gift delivery over Barcelona
The reindeer in Spain was hit mainly by the plane
(Courtesy of Colin Mochrie)
Cemetery Plot for Christmas
One Christmas time, an elderly woman opens her present from her son-in-law and discovers a cemetery plot inside. Despite the confusion, she thanks him very much for the gift.
The following Christmas, she approaches her son-in-law and asks where her present is. He simply replies that he didn't get one for her.
"Why not?! You always get me a gift..."
"Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year!!"
Kentucky Christmas
What is the worst part of being a kid in Kentucky at Christmas? Only having one set of grandparents buying you gifts.
My sister is gifting me some rain forest this Christmas...
Is it possible to hire some local loggers or will I have to travel to Brazil and cut it down myself?
The Irish Nun and warm milk
In a convent in Ireland , the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it.
One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous
Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail Nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.
As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.
"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us"
She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said: "
"DON'T SELL THAT COW."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A h**... is a lot like a Christmas gift...
It's fun to unwrap, but you never know what you're gonna get.
A son asks his father
Son: Dad, what do I give my
girlfriend as a Christmas gift?
Dad : How does she look?
Son: She looks sweet, pretty, fun to be with, and even tall and also fair in complexion.
Dad : Give her my number.
What do you give a kid with no hands for Christmas?
Doesnt matter, he'll never unwrap the gift
Got my mother in law a cemetery plot for Christmas once, and the next year didn't buy her anything. When she asked me why I didn't buy a gift for her I said.....
... because you still haven't used the one I got you last year.
How to start a fight
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
People question the Christmas present I got for my mother
They say a fridge is a terrible gift when she already has one. But when I saw here face light up upon opening it, all doubts where gone.
My new girl friend is always saying Christmas gifts should be "personal". So I was disappointed to discover...
...my whole family named on the court order.
I told my Chinese friend that I like homemade gifts....
So for Christmas he gave me an iPhone, iPad and an iMac.
Putting all this paper on the gifts I bought everyone this Christmas season made me realize something..
I'm almost a worse wrapper than Lil Wayne
I give my family the best gift there is to give every Christmas.
I give them the gift of giving.. presents to me.
Just in time for Christmas, the gift for people who like peace and quiet...
...a phoneless cord.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I had to take back all the home-made gifts I gave out for Christmas this year...
Apparently my Wife didn't like the idea everyone having a copy of our s**... tape.
My friend and I had a deal that we would buy sucky gifts for each other on Christmas.
He got me an empty bottle of whisky.
I got him a vacuum cleaner.
Who won? who lost?
you decide
A child psychologist had twin boys
one was an optimist; the other, a pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on Christmas Day he loaded the pessimist's room with toys and games. In the optimist's room, he dumped a pile of horse droppings.
That night, the father found the pessimist surrounded by his gifts, crying.
What's wrong? the father asked.
I have a ton of game manuals to read … I need batteries … and my toys will all eventually get broken! sobbed the pessimist.
Passing the optimist's room, the father found him dancing for joy around the pile of droppings. Why are you so happy? he asked.
The optimist shouted, There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!
The perfect gift for somebody who is always complaining that they have no money to buy gifts for all their kids at Christmas...
A box of condoms.
Santa comes to the White House....
Santa arrives at the White House and hands Donald Trump his Christmas present. Trump excitedly tears open his gift then looks up at Santa in shock. "What?", Santa exclaims. "I thought you LOVED coal.
If you think of everything in life as a gift: every day is like Christmas. . .
With the relative learning how to knit.
Sorry kids, you won't get your Christmas gifts in time this year.
Santa is with Amazon Logistics now.
I'm looking forward to saving a lot of money on gifts this Christmas.
I plan on taking politics tomorrow night.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
After a few hours of meaningful conversation, a p**... asked Santa
what Christmas gift he would like to get if he were to receive one.
Without hesitation, Santa answered: h**... h**... h**...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I bought my wife a gift for Christmas and hid it in the perfect spot, a place she would never look.
I put it in her l**... drawer.
I was wondering when I should open my Christmas gifts this year
But really there's no time like the present
what is something you can give out as a Christmas gift but still able to keep it at the same time?
flu
Why are Carpenters the easiest to get Christmas gifts for?
All they want for Christmas is Yew.
Two brothers open their gifts on Christmas Day...
Two brothers, Jack and Charlie, open their gifts on Christmas Day, only to find that Jack has been spoiled with everything he ever wanted. Seeing his brother so jealous, Jack is basking in his smugness.
_Jack:_ I got so many gifts, I don't even know where to keep them!
_Charlie:_ Was cancer on your letter to Santa?
My parents' Christmas gift for me.
When Christmas day arrived, I was so excited to open my gifts that I woke up before my alarm. I went down stairs and opened a thin, rectangular box. It was a book! The title read, Anti-gravity. I read that book the whole day as I couldn't put it down.
Christmas gift giving advice for the man who has everything.
A gal walks into a bar and orders a beer. "What do you get the man who has everything for Christmas?" she asks the bartender. "A divorce," the bartender replies. "Then he'll only have half of everything."
As I was inserting my third battery into my new toy gift...
My dad remarked that this wasn't the kind of puppy that needed batteries.
Merry Christmas!
Its still christmas time
I really appreciate how some people still give gifts to poor guys on the street, even after christmas.
For example yesterday I saw someone giving his credit card and 5k$ to a guy who only had a knife...
I made an IRL dad joke a few weeks back...
and it may be my crowning achievement.
We did a delayed Christmas at the in-laws a few weekends back (COVID happened) and my FIL is the kind of jokester that does things like wrap one boot in one present for his wife and the other boot in another.
Mom-in-Law says, "look at him, stretching one gift into two...."
Father-in-law then opens a gift from her and it's a winter vest. Without missing a beat I say, "look who's stretching gifts now, where's the box with the sleeves!?"
I never post so I had to build karma before sharing but hopefully it was worth the wait!
If you give someone a Mahler symphony record as a gift
Would it be considered a Gustav Christmas Present?
