Christmas Family Jokes
65 christmas family jokes and hilarious christmas family puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about christmas family that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Christmas Family Short Jokes
Short christmas family jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The christmas family humour may include short family christmas jokes also.
- Despite the pandemic, my family decided to get together for a big dinner this Christmas The food was bad though, didn't taste like anything
- I was at Christmas dinner with my family and I asked my Grandfather what he does for a living... My Mother replied, "I'm a ventriloquist."
- Why wasn't the CIA employee able to go home to visit his family for Christmas? Because he was Snowden.
- I was going to give my family a cat for Christmas, Unfortunately it died before the 25th... I guess it makes it a future present that passed.
- Years later, Kevin McCallister murdered his older brother at a family Christmas party. It was a total buzzkill.
- My mom went to go buy a Christmas tree from the store The man behind the counter said "are you going to put it up yourself?" Mom says "no thats terrible, im going to put it in the family room"
- This year, my family and I are having a 'Brexit-themed' Christmas dinner... It's the same as a regular Christmas dinner, but without the Brussels.
- I'm not a good cook. At Christmas my family got together and bought me a stove that flushes.
- Money is really tight this year... My family has decided that we are going to exchange glances for Christmas.
- My mom had the family watch the boy in the striped pajamas a few years ago..... She thought it was a christmas story.
I wish this was fictitious.
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Christmas Family One Liners
Which christmas family one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with christmas family? I can suggest the ones about christmas holiday and traditional christmas.
- My family was so poor when I was a kid... We could only exchange glances at Christmas!
- I gave my family moving pictures for Christmas today. They were great gifs
- What did the Mexican family get for Christmas? Deported
- What game do M Night Shymalan's family play at Christmas? Secret Satan.
- What do you get when you cross an apple with a Christmas tree? A pear.
- What did the orphan get for Christmas? A family.
- Christmas makes me realized that I actually do love my Husbands family ...Psych
- Too Soon? My family went to see 'The Interview' on Christmas day, it was a real blast!
- What did the kid who lost his entire family in a car c**... get for his Christmas? Cancer.
Quirky and Hilarious Christmas Family Jokes to Let the Chuckles Begin.
What funny jokes about christmas family you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean christmas dad jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make christmas family pranks.
A school bus driver stopped the vehicle to take little George out.
The kid opened the door and saw his grandmother reaching her hands to grab him.
The driver though, to make sure that that person is really a family member, asks the kid.
"Is this really your grandmother?"
"Yes. She visits every Christmas!"
"Very good! And when she stays at he rest of the year?" the driver insists.
"At the airport!," says the kid and continues, "Whenever we feel like, we go there and we take her home..."
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas.
At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.
"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE..."
"I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO..."
"I PRAY FOR A NEW STEREO..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."
To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young teacher explains to her class of third graders that she is a born-again Christian.
She asks the class if any of them are born-again Christians too.
Not really knowing what it means to be born-again, but wanting to please and impress their teacher, many little hands suddenly shot up into the air.
There's just one girl who doesn't raise her hand.
So the teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
The girl says, "Because I'm not a Christian."
The teacher asks, "So what are you then? "
The girl replies, "I'm an atheist."
The teacher's a little perturbed now, her face slightly red.
She asks the girl why she's an atheist.
The girl says, "It's just that my family isn't religious. My Mom's atheist, and my Dad's atheist, so I'm atheist."rnrnThe teacher is now angry. "
That's no reason." she says loudly.
"What if your Mom was a m**..., and your Dad was a m**.... What would you be then?"
"Then," says the girl, "I'd be a born-again Christian."
Remember, children. The best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Christmas time. v**... and wine.
Children indulging in serious crime. With dad on the w**... and mum's high on crack. Christmas is special when your family is black!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Cultural Diversity--True Story
When I was six I learned about Hanukkah in school. My teacher told me, "Christians celebrate Christmas, and Jews celebrate Hanukkah."
That night I was waiting in line at Hometown Buffet with my family and asked Mom why the restaurant would be closed for Christmas.
"It's so that the people who work here can spend Christmas with their families." She said.
In a loud, excited voice I piped up, "BUT COULDN'T THEY GET SOME JEWS TO WORK HERE?"
We never went back.
Family xmas problem solved
An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!". Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."
An orphan had a rough year...
He had been adopted three times. The first family had a dog that the boy loved, but the father beat the dog daily. The boy reported the family, and he returned to the foster home. The second family had a loving mother that took care of the boy, but the father beat his wife daily. The boy reported the father, and the mother was forced to return the boy to the foster home. The third family seemed very nice at first, but when the father got drunk, he beat the boy. Yet again, the boy reported the father, and returned to the foster home. At this point, the boy was feeling like he would never find a home he could stay in. But a local judge, hearing his story, wanted to give the boy a Christmas present. He visited the boy, and asked what he wanted for Christmas. The boy said, "I want to be adopted by the Houston Texans." Confused, the judge asks the boy why he would want to be adopted by a sports team. The boy smiles and yells, "Cause they don't beat anybody."
[Insert the listener's favorite sports team for bonus laughs]
I play Santa every Christmas Eve for my family. What one liners/short jokes should Santa tell this year?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One day Santa is walking through the forest when all of a sudden from out of the snow he sees a tiny Angel dragging a huge Christmas tree behind her.
"h**... h**... h**..., what do we have here? " Asked Santa.
The little Angel looks up and says "Oh. Thank goodness I found you! A family came to the forest and cut down this tree, but then they saw an even bigger tree and took that one instead just leaving this poor tree to die! So I pulled and pulled, dragging this tree through the snow looking for you Santa. I knew that you would tell me what to do with this tree. Tell me Santa, tell me what I should do with this tree! "
And so Santa told the little Angel exactly what she should do with that tree and that is why you still see a little Angel right up on top of the tree every year.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three p**... are discussing the meaning of Easter
The first p**... says, "Easter is that time of year when your family comes over for the night. You sit down to a big turkey dinner and you watch football.
"No you m**...," said the second p**.... "That is Thanksgiving. Easter is the time of year when a fat man in a red suit comes down your chimney and leaves you presents underneath a tree."
"Don't be s**...," said the third p**.... "You should know that is Christmas. Easter is the time of year when Jesus died for our sins and was put behind a boulder. Then in three days, he pushed the boulder out of the way, stepped outside, saw his shadow and ran back inside shouting six more weeks of winter."
Christmas with the family
While I greatly enjoy the presence of their company, I prefer the company of their presents.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A boy writes a letter to Father Christmas...
It is getting close to Christmas time, and a young boy is writing his letter to Santa Claus. Coming from a poor, broken home the boy has only one wish. He writes to Santa and asks for just £50 so he can help his family.
At the Post Office, the staff are touched by the thoughtfulness and selflessness of the young boy. One kind worker decides they should make his dreams come true and organises a collection fund for him. At the end of the day, the workers manage to scrape together £45 and they send it back to the young boy with love from Father Christmas.
A week later, the Post Office receives another letter from the young boy. "Dear Santa, Thank you so so much for the £50, but I thought you should know, those robbing b**... at the Post Office stole £5."
I wonder if poor kids in Africa dream of a white christmas?
Like spending time with your whole family, getting tons of Xboxes and play stations. Heaping servings of food, etc.
Our family never could afford much nice for Christmas...
So one year I told my mom "I just want something I can play with." She said ok, went to the local thrift store to find me something, got me a good old used pair of overalls about my size and cut me a hole in the right pocket.
My new girl friend is always saying Christmas gifts should be "personal". So I was disappointed to discover...
...my whole family named on the court order.
I give my family the best gift there is to give every Christmas.
I give them the gift of giving.. presents to me.
My wife won't be making it to family Christmas this year; She's got a black eye
There was a misunderstanding, she said she wanted decking on the patio.
Christmas Day accident
Grandpa woke up unusually early yesterday to celebrate Christmas with the family. He was half asleep still when went to the restroom to brush his teeth. In the early morning brain fog, he accidentally got his Polident mixed up with his Preparation H.
His gums aren't itching, but now, he can't get his underwear off!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If you've heard of Post Malone maybe you've heard of h**... Malone
It's this classic movie about a young boy who gets left behind by his family at Christmas and has to defend his house from burglars.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The dinner prayer
At dinner, a little boy was asked to lead the family into prayer...
Little Boy: But I dont know how to pray
Dad: Just pray for your family members, friends and neighbours, the poor, etc
Little Boy: "Dear Lord, thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won't come again.
Forgive our neighbor's son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on her bed.
This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor n**... ladies on my daddy's Blackberry and provide shelter for the homeless men who use mom's room when daddy is at work."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
At dinner, Little Johnny was asked to lead the prayer...
"But I don't know how to pray", he replied.
"Just pray for your family, friends and neighbors, the poor, etc...", said his father.
"Okay", the boy said.
"*Dear Lord, thank you for the visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won't come again. Forgive our neighbor's son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on her bed. This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor ladies on Daddy's Blackberry who do not have any clothes. And provide shelter for the homeless man who uses Mom's room when Daddy is at work. AMEN!*"
**Dinner was canceled!**
Me and my wife were having an argument about which family we will spend Christmas Day with...
I'm sure many couples can relate. I want to spend it with mine and she obviously wants to spend it with hers. It led to a big argument where she yelled, You like your family way more, you hate my relatives
I replied, That's not true, I like your mother in law way more than mine
Can anyone pretend to be my gay lover at my family Christmas party?
My real ones are all busy this year.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A son is asked to lead the family in a Christmas prayer at dinner
BOY: But I don't know how to pray
DAD: Just pray for your family members, friends and neighbors, the poor, etc.
BOY: "Dear Lord" he started "Thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won't come again. Forgive our neighbor's son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on her bed. This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor n**... ladies on my daddy's Blackberry and provide shelter for the homeless men who use mom's room when daddy is at work.
Christmas is a time for all the family to be together...
apart from that, it's quite enjoyable.
What do you call it when Einstein performs a Christmas play with his family?
Relativenativity
Christmas traditions
Guy 1: hey what are you going to do on the Christmas holidays?
Guy2: family dinner, you?
Guy2 1: the same... Gets less every year...
My family got angry at me for practicing for The Price is Right
I guess I shouldn't practice during Christmas
Traditionally, we always have a family christmas jumper...
...It's always my job to talk him down :/
I remember last Christmas we were sharing stories from the previous years. My sister had skipped the past and went right for the present. The whole family noticed the mistake.
It was intense.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I surprised my family today and made the Christmas dinner from scratch.
They started crying.
Scratch is a s**... name for a cat anyway...
Walmart will be closed for Christmas
so that both cashiers can spend time with their families.
Feeding the family
The kids asked for dog this Christmas. Normally we serve Lamb, but this time of year is all about the kids.
As a vegan eating with the German side of my family at Christmas can be tough. I'm too scared to tell them I am vegan so I explained that I had a crippling phobia of meat.
I feared the wurst.
Why didn't the skeleton go to the Christmas Party?
Because he'd alienated all of his friends and family by repeatedly asking them to touch his bones.
A dog is running awa
A dog is running away from a farm.
The pig asks him why?
The dog replies, "this family doesn't want me man, I'm out"
The pig says what do you mean, the humans always pet you, they take you in walks, you have free reign over the farm. To which the dog replies, "not even pig, all I get for food are left overs, you get corn, and fruits, look how fat you are. I even overheard Papa say he was going to make you Ham for Christmas!!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Chris Rea's two biggest hits in the UK are 'Driving home for Christmas' and 'Road to h**...'
Which if you have a family like mine, both songs describe the journey.
