Christmas Eve Jokes
91 christmas eve jokes and hilarious christmas eve puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about christmas eve that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Christmas Eve Short Jokes
Short christmas eve jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The christmas eve humour may include short new years eve jokes also.
- What's the difference between jelly and jam? Santa doesn't jelly himself down the chimney on Christmas Eve.
- I remember as a child, lying awake at night on Christmas Eve waiting for Santa to come... ...then there was always that awkward silence as he got dressed and left.
- We are thinking about making chili for Christmas Eve. We're starting a new tradition called 'silent but deadly night'.
- If 24th December is Christmas Eve, 23rd December should be Christmas Adam. Because men always come first.
- My favorite Christmas joke: Why do Mexicans have tamale making parties on Christmas Eve? So the kids have something to unwrap on Christmas morning.
- What do the lady reindeer do while the men are out with Santa on Christmas Eve? They all head down to the Elks club and blow a few bucks.
- An elderly man has urinary incontinence. Why does he drink holy water before going to bed on Christmas Eve? He wanted to sleep in heavenly pees.
- Did you see the newspaper headlines about the Christmas Eve robbery at the German bakery? It said… STOLLEN STOLEN!!
- Why did the Karen travel to Bethlehem on Christmas Eve? She wanted to speak to the manger!
- What did the female reindeers do when their boyfriends were off of Santa delivering presents on Christmas Eve? They went to the nearest pub and blew a few bucks.
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Christmas Eve One Liners
Which christmas eve one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with christmas eve? I can suggest the ones about year eve and christmas holiday.
- What did Adam say the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve.
- What did Adam say to Eve on Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve.
- getting karma on Christmas Eve is easy You could say it's a piece of cake...
- What's the best way to get upvotes on Christmas Eve? It's a piece of cake.
- Why was the milkman afraid on Christmas eve? The ghost of Christmas Pasteurisation.
- Why does Santa go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it 'soots' him.
- It's Christmas Eve Not Christmas Steve
- What do you do if somebody dies Christmas Eve? Wait 12 hours and have Christmas Mourning
- You could call today "Christmas Adam" Because Adam came before Eve.
- What do you call a cat that walks through a desert on Christmas Eve? Sandy Claws
- People need to stop pretending Die Hard is a Christmas movie. It's a Christmas Eve movie.
- What did Adam say to his wife on the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
- What do the reindeer wives do on Christmas Eve? Go down town and blow a few bucks.
- Why did Santa's helper see the doctor? Because he had a low "elf" esteem!
- Have you ever heard of Christmas Adam? It comes before Eve and isn't nearly as satisfying
Uproarious Christmas Eve Jokes to Have a Laugh Out Loud Good Time
What funny jokes about christmas eve you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean christmas party jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make christmas eve pranks.
What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve? They go into town and blow a few bucks.
What did the big angel say to the little angel on Christmas Eve?
Answer: "Halo there!"
What does a drug addict dream about on Christmas Eve? Building a snowman using only c**....
A 17 year old male walks into a drug store.
He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean"
Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I'll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky."
Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn't say a word. After a while his girlfriend says: "if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn't have invited you." the young man replies "if you had told me your dad works at a drug store, I wouldn't have come."
Three men died on Christmas Eve...
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It's a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's p**....
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The p**... replied, "These are Carols".
And so Christmas Season Begins
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's p**....
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The p**... replied, 'These are Carols.'
Latvian Christmas
Christmas Eve father ask son what want christmas. Son say potato. Father say "Ok. Santa bring potato." Next day boy is learn Santa no exist.
3 young lads trying to get into heaven.
One Christmas eve three young fellas were out on the crawl drinking and partying. All at once a bus came and killed them outright. They came to St Peter at the pearly gates and he told them there was no entry unless they had a Christmassy item to give him. The first fella rumaged in his pockets and pulled out his keys, he shook them and said, 'These are Christmas bells.' The second man pulled out his lighter, held the flame in the air and said, 'It is the star in the east.' St Peter turned to the third man and raised his eyebrows, 'what about you' the man pulled out a pair of ladies knickers. Peter was shocked and exclaimed, 'what are those', the man replied, 'They're Carol's'
Dolf is the weatherman at KTVY, the local CBS affiliate in Kansas City.
He's also a closet communist, and has a bit of an anger management problem. During their Christmas Eve broadcast Dolf forecasts a cold and rainy Christmas day, then turns it over to Erin, the anchor he's been dating for the past few months:
"Dolf, are you sure its just rain for tomorrow? I bet everyone's praying for a little snow tonight!"
"No no Erin, just rain for tomorrow"
"Are you sure we can't look forward to a white Christmas?"
"NO! RUDOLF THE RED KNOWS RAIN, DEAR!"
It's Christmas time at the Pearly Gates..
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates'
Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said
'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally
pulled out a pair of women's p**....
St. Peter looked at the man
with a raised eyebrow and asked,
'And just what do those symbolize?'
The p**... replied, 'These are Carols.'
It was Christmas Eve and everyone was feeling merry.
...So Mary got up and left.
Red-nosed Rudolph was hit by a 747 and a flock of seagulls on Christmas Eve during a gift delivery over Barcelona
The reindeer in Spain was hit mainly by the plane
(Courtesy of Colin Mochrie)
I play Santa every Christmas Eve for my family. What one liners/short jokes should Santa tell this year?
Going thru the pearly gates on Christmas Eve
Pearly Gates on Christmas Eve
Three men died on Christmas Eve
and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said,
'You must each possess something that symbolizes
Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets
and finally pulled out a pair of women's p**....
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,
'And just what do those symbolize?'
The Irishman replied, 'These are Carols.'
And So The Christmas Season Begins......
What do you call the day before Christmas Eve?
Christmas Adam
Apparently I told this one as a kid: What do you call the day before Christmas Eve?
Christmas Adam
It s**... that Mary and Joseph couldn't get a room at an inn.....
but what were they expecting not having a reservation on Christmas Eve of all nights!
A couple are walking through St Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve
They feel a slight precipitation.
The man says, "I think it's raining."
His wife disagrees, "No, it's snowing!"
Unable to agree, the man says, "why don't we ask the nice Communist officer over here? He's always right! Officer Rudolf, is it raining or snowing?"
"Definitely raining," said the officer before walking off.
"See?" the husband says, "Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."
A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on christmas Eve
They feel a slight precipitation.
"I think it's raining," says the man.
"No, it's snowing," replies the woman.
"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"
"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
The man turns to his wife with a smile. See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.
Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve
They all find themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter heaven. On entering they must present something relating to or associated with Christmas. The first man searches his pocket, and finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a c**..., so he is also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of stockings. Confused at this last gesture, St Peter asks, 'How do these represent Christmas?' Answer: 'They're Carol's.'
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's p**....
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The Irishman replied, 'These are Carol's'
And So The Christmas Season begins......and I sure hope the jokes get better.
The King and I always have breakfast for dinner on Christmas Eve
We call it Yule Brinner.
Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump walk into a bar...
Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump walk into a bar on Christmas Eve.
Bernie Sanders says "Hello, can I have a drink?" and gets a drink.
Donald Trump walks up to the bartender and says "Merry Christmas, can I have a drink? By the way, bartender, you are extremely ugly. I f***ing hate you. You're also bald. I hope that you die soon. When I become president I will make sure to deport ugly and bald people like you."
The entire bar looks in shock. A news reporter, there at that time, says to a patron of the bar, who originated from the South, "What do you think of this?".
The patron replies "Absolutely f***ing disgusting - Bernie Sanders didn't say Merry Christmas!"
What do you call Pharaoh's annual Christmas Eve waffle dinner?
Yule Brinner.
A couple was walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve
A couple was walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve.
"I think it's raining," says the man.
The woman replies, "No, it's snowing."
"Let's ask this communist officer here. He's always right," explains the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing currently?"
"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replied.
The man turns to his wife and says, "Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."
In the spirit of Christmas, I've decided to regift this joke.
A couple is walking in East Berlin on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.
"I think it's raining," says the man.
"No, it's snowing," replies the woman.
"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the main. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?
"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
The man turns to his wife with a smile. "See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
December 25th for Asians
It's not Christmas, It's Boxing Day Eve.
I'll never forget the Christmas Eve my father went to jail.
It didn't take long before he got violent, abusive, screaming and thrashing around, smearing f**... on the walls...
I'll never play Monopoly with him again.
What do Santa and Mrs Santa get up to on night before Christmas Eve?
My childhood memories of Christmas are dominated by the time I sneaked downstairs one Christmas Eve and heard my mother telling Father Christmas that he was a fat, lazy, good for nothing drunken slob...
I saw mommy dissing Santa Claus...
So, the cops are going to be at my house Christmas Eve thanks to my kids
They know that Santa's on his way. He's loaded.
Me- ''It's christmas Eve!''
It was Christmas Eve and my wife came home after a busy day of shopping...
As we were getting undressed for bed, I noticed a mark on the inside of her leg.
"What's that?" I asked.
"I went to a tattoo parlor today and on the inside of one leg, I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas' and on the inside of the other one, they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'"
Perplexed, I asked, "Why did you do that?"
"Well..." she replied. "Now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years."
-How is your Christmas Eve?
-How is your Christmas Eve?
-Great + 0.5 kg every hour
What's open later than any store on Christmas Eve?
Mrs. Claus's legs.
Three man die on Christmas Eve and go to heaven . . .
. . . where they are met by Saint Peter.
''In order to get in,'' He tells them, ''you must each produce something representative of the holidays.''
The first man digs into his pockets and pulls out a match and lights it. '' This represents a candle of hope.'' Impressed, Peter lets him in.
The second man pulls out a tangle of keys and shakes them. ''These are bells.'' He's allowed in too.
''So,'' Peter says to the third man, ''what do you have?''
The third man proudly shows him a pair of red p**....
''What do these have to do with Christmas?'' asks Peter.
''They're Carol's.''
Who visits pregant women on christmas eve?
The plasanta.
It's raining like cats and dogs on Christmas eve...
Hope it doesn't continue till Christmas, or it's gonna rain deer.
I'm currently dating a girl called Susan Alto who has a single mum. She's invited me to her house for Christmas eve since her mother will be upstairs sleeping.
I might kiss her under Ms Alto.
Who visits pregnant women on Christmas Eve?
Placenta Clause
Christmas is sexist, there's Christmas Eve but no Christmas Adam
Ba dunk tsss
My wife was doing her hair for Christmas Eve
She seemed to be struggling to comb it. I told her she should have written to Santa about it - he could have told her if her hair was knotty or nice.
Hey Adam, "Is today the 24th or the 25th?"
It's Christmas, Eve.
Why is it so easy to track Santa on Christmas Eve?
Because he always accepts cookies.
Someone tried breaking in on Christmas's eve!
He kept calling us all h**...'s and had some funny looking dogs with him...
😂
How does Santa Claus get so much work done on Christmas Eve?
He sleighs all day.
A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.
I think it's raining. says the man.
No, it's snowing. replies the woman.
How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right! exclaims the man. Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?
Definitely raining. Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
The man turns to his wife with a smile See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.
My dad is the meanest person in the world
On Christmas Eve, he fired his air gun in to the sky, and came back inside to tell me that Santa has committed s**....
This guy was shopping in town with his wife on Christmas Eve.
They got separated so she called him on his phone and said: "Where are you?" The guy said, "Do you remember that little jewelry store we went to last year where you saw the diamond bracelet that you loved but I didn't have enough money to buy it?" She said "Yes! Yes! I remember!" So the guy said, "I'm in the bar next door to that place having a beer."
Kids
As we were putting out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve, I accidentally dropped one. "No problem," I said, picking it up and dusting it off before placing it back on the plate.
"You can't do that," argued my four-year-old.
"Don't worry. Santa will never know."
He shot me a look. "So he knows if I've been bad or good, but he doesn't know the cookie fell on the floor?
One Christmas Eve, a man and his wife were shopping in town and became separated...
The woman called him on her cell phone and said, "Where are you?" The guy said, "Remember that little jewelry store we went into last year and you found that diamond necklace that you wanted, but I couldn't afford to buy it for you?" The woman was overcome with emotion and said "Yes, yes ... I remember." And the guy said "I'm in the bar next door to that store having a beer."
