Christmas Dad Jokes
54 christmas dad jokes and hilarious christmas dad puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about christmas dad that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Christmas Dad Short Jokes
Short christmas dad jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The christmas dad humour may include short father christmas jokes also.
- I bought my Dad a cheap dictionary for Christmas. He couldn't find the right words to thank me.
- My Dad got me a thesaurus for Christmas last year But when I opened it every single page was blank.
I didn't have the words to describe how angry I was. - When I Was A Child Santa Gave Me coal One Year For Christmas, So I Poisoned His Cookies And Milk Somehow he found out and killed my dad!
- Getting my dad some strong aftershave and a cigarette lighter for Christmas. Can't wait to see his face light up.
- A father was decorating the Christmas tree with his son. The boy says: "Dad can't we use tinsel like everyone else? This is really uncomfortable."
- Dad! You can strike out the mountain bike on my wish list for christmas! Just found a brand new one in the basement!!!
- Just now, from my dad: Have you heard the new Christmas carol from India? We Vishnu a Merry Krishnas.
- Why do dads hate christmas? They get a sweater. But they really wanted a moaner or a screamer..
- We were so poor when I was growing up..... That my dad bought me an air guitar for Christmas.
My friend was even less well off. He asked if he could have my old one!!! - Whats the most disappointing thing for dads on Christmas? When he gets a sweater, but he was hoping for a screamer or a squirter.
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Christmas Dad One Liners
Which christmas dad one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with christmas dad? I can suggest the ones about birthday dad and dead dad.
- My dad says he hates surprises... So I wrapped all his Christmas presents in cellophane.
- What is a dog's favorite Christmas song? Fleas Navidad
- My dad asked me what I want for Christmas... I said a high paying job with benefits.
- My dad's addicted to christmas dinner But he's been cold turkey every meal since.
- Do you want to hear a dad joke about Christmas wrapping paper? Nevermind, it's terrible.
- Dad, can I have a puppy for Christmas? No, you're having Turkey like the rest of us.
- what did the black boys dad do for him for christmas nothing, he had no presence
Uproarious Christmas Dad Jokes to Share with Friends
What funny jokes about christmas dad you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean mom dad jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make christmas dad pranks.
A 17 year old male walks into a drug store.
He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean"
Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I'll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky."
Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn't say a word. After a while his girlfriend says: "if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn't have invited you." the young man replies "if you had told me your dad works at a drug store, I wouldn't have come."
You want what?
While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch.
"Did you get that for your birthday?" asked Little Johnny.
"Nope." replied Jimmy.
"Well, did you get it for Christmas then?".
Again Jimmy says "Nope."
"You didn't steal it, did you?" asks Little Johnny. "No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were 'doing the n**...'. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.
Little Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night, he waited outside his parents' bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of l**.... Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom.
His father, caught in mid s**..., turned and said angrily. "What do you want now?" "I wanna watch," Johnny replied.
Without missing a s**..., his father said, "Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet."
Christmas time. v**... and wine.
Children indulging in serious crime. With dad on the w**... and mum's high on crack. Christmas is special when your family is black!
Divorce
A a man in his 70's calls his son to tell him he and his mother are getting a divorce. "Dad, you can't do this! You're not thinking straight." The son calls his sister to talk about it, and she is in agreement; their parents cannot do this. "Dad, we're flying out there tomorrow. Do not sign any papers, contact any lawyers, or even thinking about going down to the courthouse." After the dad gets off the phone, he looks over at his wife and says, "It worked. They'll be here for Christmas and are paying their own airfare."
My father?
There was a young woman who had never known her father. One year, on Christmas day, a stranger knocked at her door.
When she opened the door, there was an older gentleman standing there. He looked at her face for a moment, then reached out and handed her a beautifully bound book of poetry.
"What is this?" she asked.
"A present," the man replied, "from your father."
"My father?" she said, "but I don't have a father."
"Rachel... you do...and I'm him." said the man, looking at the young woman. His eyes filling with tears. Her heart began racing at the thought that this may actually be him. But how could it be? After all this time?
"How can I really know if my father is present before me?" she asked.
The man, still crying, softly replied, "Rachel, your father is not present." He pointed at the book.
"Book is present."
Then the woman cried as she hugged her dad for the first time.
As told to me by my dad who smokes a lot
Did the disappointed s**... get everything he wanted for Christmas? Clothes but no cigar.
Last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree...
The guy at the counter asked my dad "are you going to put it up yourself?" To which my dad responded "don't be disgusting... I'm going to put it in the living room."
A son asks his father
Son: Dad, what do I give my
girlfriend as a Christmas gift?
Dad : How does she look?
Son: She looks sweet, pretty, fun to be with, and even tall and also fair in complexion.
Dad : Give her my number.
I'm stuck in Christmas mass right now and I need some n**... religious jokes about Christianity in order to make my dad crack. Have any?
Help me, I got dragged to this as vice and now we need jokes.
So I asked my dad...
So I asked my dad during Christmas dinner if anything were home made?
He replied "definitely not you."
My wife's inappropriate Christmas dinner joke
Last night My wife and I were having Christmas dinner with her parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles, and a German neighbor who is a widow. We were talking about messing up while cooking meals and I mentioned the first time I cooked a turkey I cooked it upside down. The neighbor was incredulous that I could make such a mistake and asked how I could possibly do this when the breast would be round and make it difficult to get the turkey to not roll.
My lame joke:
>"Maybe I just like flat breasted turkeys."
Wife looks down at her chest:
>"Well now I feel self-conscious... Wait, is that why you always turn me face down?"
Everybody starts roaring with laughter and her dad turned bright red.
A man goes through 4 phases when its christmas in his life.
Kid - he believes in santa
Teenager - he stopped believing in santa
Dad - he is santa
Granddad - he looks like santa
I already miss the dad jokes on christmas
Because if my dad is telling jokes means that he's still alive.
I asked my parents for a baby brother or sister this Christmas
My dad said he'll see if the baby making machine in his room still works.
Mommy has been screaming 'yes' all night so I think it's working
A son is asked to lead the family in a Christmas prayer at dinner
BOY: But I don't know how to pray
DAD: Just pray for your family members, friends and neighbors, the poor, etc.
BOY: "Dear Lord" he started "Thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won't come again. Forgive our neighbor's son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on her bed. This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor n**... ladies on my daddy's Blackberry and provide shelter for the homeless men who use mom's room when daddy is at work.
What did Neytiri say to Jake Sully when their child was born on Christmas Day?
Feliz Na'vi dad
While I was working as a store Santa, a boy asked me for an electric train set.
If you get your train, I told him, your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that all right?
The boy became very quiet. So, moving the conversation along, I asked, What else would you like Santa to bring you?
He promptly replied, Another train.
"Dad, can you get me 1 bitcoin for Christmas?"
Father: $16,548?! Why on earth would you need $15,749?
My child is ungrateful
I got him a bike for Christmas and he didn't say thank you, no, he said dad, I don't have any legs
Two siblings, a boy and a girl opens their Christmas presents
The boy received a football hat while the girl received a wonderful gold necklace.
The next year, the boy received a puzzle and the girl received an new wardrobe full of clothes.
And the next year again, the boy finds out he got a cheap chinese phone while his sister received an iPhone X.
So this year, after the opening, the girl says: "Haha! mom and dad loves me more!"
The boy replies: "Haha! I don't have a tumor"
Present for my dad
I've bought my dad a Zippo lighter for Christmas.
I want it to be a surprise when he comes back with the cigarettes he went out to buy ten years ago.
Little Johnny wore his Halloween costume to Christmas dinner.
Dad allowed it since oct(31) = dec(25)
A man is driving home for Christmas and a gets a call from his daughter:
"Dad be careful, apparently some nutter is driving the wrong way down the freeway"
"It's not just one, it's hundreds of them!"
I couldn't decide what to get my mother for Christmas, so I put some lipstick on my forehead
My dad kept telling me to makeup my mind.
A kid asks his dad for alligator shoes for Christmas
The man being poor cannot afford them,so he goes out to find an alligator,he looked at some swamps and lakes for hours with no luck,on his way home that night worrying how his son will so disappointed on Christmas morning,halfway home he sees an alligator walking across the road,he runs out of his truck chasing the alligator,after about half a mile he catches the alligator turns it over on its back and...
Sees it has no shoes,he picked a poor alligator
(Credit to Captain Ron in New Orleans at a swamp tour place)
My dad is the meanest person in the world
On Christmas Eve, he fired his air gun in to the sky, and came back inside to tell me that Santa has committed s**....
As I was inserting my third battery into my new toy gift...
My dad remarked that this wasn't the kind of puppy that needed batteries.
Merry Christmas!
A father and his son go out to fell a tree for Christmas
When the tree is felled and being brought back, the son asks, "Dad are you going to put the tree up yourself?"
"No, son, I'm going to put it up in our living room"
Bought my dad a Zippo for Christmas
It'll compliment the cigarettes he went out for 22 years ago.
Still wrapped from last year.
I made an IRL dad joke a few weeks back...
and it may be my crowning achievement.
We did a delayed Christmas at the in-laws a few weekends back (COVID happened) and my FIL is the kind of jokester that does things like wrap one boot in one present for his wife and the other boot in another.
Mom-in-Law says, "look at him, stretching one gift into two...."
Father-in-law then opens a gift from her and it's a winter vest. Without missing a beat I say, "look who's stretching gifts now, where's the box with the sleeves!?"
I never post so I had to build karma before sharing but hopefully it was worth the wait!
HELP: Trying to write a joke
I hope this doesn't go against any sub rules. I'm ok if it gets deleted.
So, I had an idea pop into my head last night, and I need some help in fleshing out the body of the joke.
It would go something like this:
A man and his son are walking near (body of water) on Christmas Day. They come across a flock of sheep doing (land/water based military manoeuvres). The day looks around totally bewildered and asks "What is going on here?"
The son answers, "That's a Fleece Navy, Dad."
Any ideas?
