Christma Jokes

Following is our collection of yule humor and big one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Christma puns for adults, dirty xmas jokes or clean christmas gifts gags for kids.

There is an abundance of rap jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 69 funniest jokes on christma. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any sarcastic witze you can hear about christma.

The Best jokes about Christma

When Christmas was coming up, my kids asked for a puppy. When I got them one, they cried for days...

I'll just get a turkey next year like normal.

For Christmas, I bought my wife new beads for her abacus

It's the little things that count

A Christmas Joke (...maybe a LITTLE early)

The guy was in the store buying a fake Christmas tree. The shop attendant asked him, "Are you going to put that tree up yourself?"

The guy replied, "Don't be disgusting! I'm going to put it in the living room!"

This Christmas, I got a new car for my wife

I thought it was a great trade.

For Christmas my mum bought me a t-shirt saying, "I'm a nudist."

I haven't worn it yet.


I can't believe christmas is 364 days away...

And people already have their decorations up.

Why is Christmas just like your job?

You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Christmas always sucked when I was a kid...

I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents.

I can't believe Christmas is only 364 days away...

...feels like it was just yesterday.

*HA! you thought it was a repost didn't you. Well you're wrong. It's just my stupid alternate version of the joke. I probably found telling the joke more funny than you thought this joke was funny.* :)

Why is Christmas just like another day in the office?

Because you do all the hard work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

It was Christmas day.....

and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,"What are you charged with?"

"Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant.

"That's no offense", said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"

"Before the store opened."


It's Christmas time at the Pearly Gates..

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates'
Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said
'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally
pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man
with a raised eyebrow and asked,
'And just what do those symbolize?'

The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'

I was at Christmas dinner with my family and I asked my Grandfather what he does for a living...

My Mother replied, "I'm a ventriloquist."

Christmas Joke... Three men died....

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The Irishman replied, 'These are Carol's'

And So The Christmas Season begins......and I sure hope the jokes get better.

What's the same about Christmas and work?

I do all the work and a fat man in a suit gets all the credit.

Christmas lights remind me of my friends.

They all hang together, half of them don't work, and the ones that do aren't that bright.

Christmas gift

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"

The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."

"No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe; she fakes it with Ken."

All I got for Christmas was a pack of sticky cards.

It was difficult to deal with.

And so Christmas Season Begins

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'


Christmas gift to a friend... could afford much but the payphone is cheap.

Me: "Hello, is this the Police?"

Police: "Yes. What do you want?"

Me: "I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Jones! He is hiding marijuana inside logs of firewood in his woodshed"

Police:"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Police descend upon Billy's house. They search the woodshed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they split open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy and left his property.

Soon after they leave the phone rings at Billy's house:

Me: "Hey, Billy! Did the Police come?"

Billy: "Yeah!"

Me: "Did they chop your firewood?"

Billy: "Yep."

Me: "Merry Christmas, Buddy!"

Christmas tip:

Wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree. Everytime your child acts up, throw one in the fireplace

Some Christmas jokes!

**What is the best Christmas present in the world?**

A broken drum – you just can't beat it

**What did Adam say to his wife on the day before Christmas?**

It's Christmas, Eve!

**What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?**

Frostbite!

**Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing?**

They always drop their needles!

**Did Rudolph go to school?**

No. He was Elf-taught!

**Who is Santa's favorite singer?**

Elf-is Presley!

**What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar?**

He got 25 days!

**Why does Santa have three gardens?**

So he can 'ho ho ho'!

**What does Miley Cyrus have at Christmas?**

Twerky!

**Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?**

Because he had a low "elf" esteem!

Christmas jokes needed

I am about to MC a high school Christmas staff talent show and need your best Christmas or holiday jokes. This is happening in two hours.

Christmas must be a hard time for dyslexic children.

They get their presents from Satan.

Prisoner's Christmas Song

*You better watch out*

*You better not cry*

*You better not pout*

*I'm going in dry*

At Christmas we all deserve to be happy, so I got a puppy for my wife...

... it was a good trade

For Christmas last year I got a sweater.

This year I'd prefer a moaner or a squirter.

Why was Kanye's Christmas gift to Kim spoiled?

Because he's a bad wrapper

It was Christmas Eve and my wife came home after a busy day of shopping...

As we were getting undressed for bed, I noticed a mark on the inside of her leg.

"What's that?" I asked.

"I went to a tattoo parlor today and on the inside of one leg, I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas' and on the inside of the other one, they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'"

Perplexed, I asked, "Why did you do that?"

"Well..." she replied. "Now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years."

Christmas joke (NSFW)

A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean"

Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I'll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky."

Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn't say a word. After a while his girlfriend says: "if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn't have invited you." the young man replies "if you had told me your dad works at a drug store, I wouldn't have come."

My Christmas joke.

One day Santa is walking through the forest when all of a sudden from out of the snow he sees a tiny Angel dragging a huge Christmas tree behind her.

"Ho ho ho, what do we have here? " Asked Santa.

The little Angel looks up and says "Oh. Thank goodness I found you! A family came to the forest and cut down this tree, but then they saw an even bigger tree and took that one instead just leaving this poor tree to die! So I pulled and pulled, dragging this tree through the snow looking for you Santa. I knew that you would tell me what to do with this tree. Tell me Santa, tell me what I should do with this tree! "

And so Santa told the little Angel exactly what she should do with that tree and that is why you still see a little Angel right up on top of the tree every year.

"What are you getting this Christmas?" asked my friend.

I said, "Fatter."

Last Christmas i got a bottle of scotch for my wife.

That was a fair trade.

Christmas Break

There are 2 boys. Timmy and Bill. They just got back from Christmas break. The first boy, Timmy, says to Bill, I had the best Christmas ever! I got a new bike, new shoes, and an Xbox with all my favorite games on it. What'd you get Bill? He says, I only got a sweater. The first boy asks, Why? Bill answers, Its because I don't have cancer, Timothy.

Why can't you have Christmas dinner in the EU?

Because there is no Turkey

Christmas!!!

Q: Why dont Chinese people believe in Santa Claus.

A: Cuz they make the gifts....

What Christmas Carol do they sing in North Korea?

We Three Kims

Christmas these days is a lot like having sex

the build up is great but when it finally comes, I regret spending all that money.

Last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree...

The guy at the counter asked my dad "are you going to put it up yourself?" To which my dad responded "don't be disgusting... I'm going to put it in the living room."

For Christmas my wife wanted a stuffed Reynard, but I forgot. So...

Zero fox given.

Why did the Christmas tree get thrown in prison?

Treeson.

All I got for Christmas was a sweater

What I really wanted was a screamer or a biter

Soon be Christmas...

WHO SAYS doing Christmas shopping early avoids the crush? Last year, I did mine a full 12 months in advance, and the shops were just as busy as ever.

Christmas Carol not to be sung in Southern California...

Oh the weather outside is frightful...
But the fire is so delightful...
And since you have no place to go....

It's almost christmas time and two prostitutes are talking to each other

One says to the other: 'So, what are you going to ask of Santa?'

Says the other: 'I think my regular price.'

I wish I was like a Christmas decoration...

Hanging from a tree.

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart

But the very next day, your body rejected the transplant

On Christmas morning, a man says to his seamstress wife "take this small metal bucket"

"as a thimble of my love"

What does Christmas and a divorce have in common?

Some celebrate it, some don't.

I was Christmas shopping the other day and I saw a brass band, with dribble underneath all of their instruments

Turns out it was the Salivation Army

Welcome to Christmas, we've got gold and frankincense...

But wait, there's myrrh!

Christmas Joke

While I was working as a store Santa, a boy asked me for an electric train set. If you get your train, I told him, your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that all right?

The boy became very quiet. So, moving the conversation along, I asked, What else would you like Santa to bring you?

He promptly replied, Another train.

What did one Christmas ornament say to the other Christmas ornament?

Let's hang.

What did the tv get for Christmas?

Replaced

Christmas in the USSR is as such:

good children get coal, bad children mine coal for next year

On Christmas morning I want to eat Eggs Benedict out of a hubcap.

Because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.

Everybody knows Christmas is way better than Easter

Even when it comes to Jesus -- the concept is better than the execution.

What Christmas song is banned from playing at mental hospitals?

🎤Do you hear what I hear? 🎤

For Christmas, my wife wanted something that would go from zero to 160 in 4 seconds

So I bought her a new scale.

Christmas Shopping

Bob and Sue were in a local shopping center just before Christmas.

Sue suddenly noticed that Bob was missing, and as they had a lot to do, she called him on his cell phone. Sue asked, "Bob, where are you? You know we have lots to do."

Bob said, "Do you remember the jewelry store we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with a diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time, and I said that one day I would get it for you."

Little tears started to flow down Sue's cheek, and she got all choked up. "Yes, I do remember that shop," she replied.

"Well, I'm at the Hooters next to that."

Christmas in rural America

I live in rural America. On Christmas morning occasionally I will hear gun shots in the distance. This means one of two things:
1) Someone got a new gun for Christmas
2) Someone didn't

Best christmas joke about Obama, (racist)

So I was walking through Wal-Mart looking to buy new ornaments for my christmas tree, when I saw an Obama ornament. Funny, I didn't know it was acceptable to hang a black man from a tree again.

Christmas Day accident

Grandpa woke up unusually early yesterday to celebrate Christmas with the family. He was half asleep still when went to the restroom to brush his teeth. In the early morning brain fog, he accidentally got his Polident mixed up with his Preparation H.

His gums aren't itching, but now, he can't get his underwear off!

The Grinch steals Christmas from Santa, Chuck Norris steals Christmas from the Grinch.

Christmas: One woman's lie about a one night stand that got completely out of hand.

My parents' Christmas gift for me.

When Christmas day arrived, I was so excited to open my gifts that I woke up before my alarm. I went down stairs and opened a thin, rectangular box. It was a book! The title read, Anti-gravity. I read that book the whole day as I couldn't put it down.

For Christmas this year, I decided to go all out and ask Santa for something black and shiny and will go 0 to 300 in 2 seconds.

I got a scale.

All I want for Christmas

Boy: I want a brother for Christmas.
Santa: Send me your mother.

There's nothing like the joy on a kid's face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes