Christianity Jokes
95 christianity jokes and hilarious christianity puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about christianity that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Check out this collection of Christianity Jokes that will have you laughing in no time! From dark jokes to orthodox jokes and sects, to puns about Judaism, Christianity and Allah, these jokes are sure to have you rolling on the floor. Find out why everyone loves these Christian jokes today!
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Funniest Christianity Short Jokes
Short christianity jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The christianity humour may include short prophet jokes also.
- I used to be Christian.... Her: I used to be Christian.
Him: It's all right, I don't really care for those sorts of things.
Her; Thank god! It's so much better now that I'm Christine! - What's the difference between an atheist and an evangelical Christian? The atheist is honest about not following the teachings of Christ.
- Looked down and saw $80 on the sidewalk. Being the good Christian that I am, I thought, what would Jesus do? So I went to the liquor store and turned it into wine
- My girlfriend just admitted she used to be a Christian, so I broke up with her. It might seem judgemental, but I have only known her since she was Christine.
- if Christians read the Bible to get closer to God, what do atheists read to further intensify their non-belief? The Bible.
- Wife: I used to be a Christian. Husband: Well that's fine by me
Wife: Thanks, I'm much happier being a Christine now! - Jesus asks a Christian, "What's up with all those crosses? Which part of my story makes you think I like crosses?" The Christian replies: "I don't know, but you seem to be quite attached to them."
- Boy: Dad how come there are no Jews, Christians or Muslims in Star Trek? Dad: Cause it's the future son
- Christian people are boycotting eggnog this year They heard if you drink it, you become eggnostic
- I got banned from a Christian dating site I suppose "hung like Jesus" *was* a poor choice for a username.
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Christianity One Liners
Which christianity one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with christianity? I can suggest the ones about communion and atheism.
- What do you call batman when he skips church? Christian Bale
- How do you exclude a Christian? Include everybody like Jesus would do.
- Why do women find Christian Grey so appealing? Beats me.
- What do you call people who believe in Satan? Christians
- What do Christians and mice have in common? They both worship cheeses
- Are Christian's allowed to sing eminem in church? Or do their Psalms get sweaty?
- Which chord is essential to every Christian song? Gsus
- What's a fundamentalist Christian's favorite type of car? A convertible.
- Thought I saw Christian Bale... I couldn't tell, though. It was a really dark night.
- What do you call religious hay? Christian Bale.
- I finally broke down and joined Christian Mingle My username is ComeGetPsalm
- What do you call a gun loving, Christian rock band? Guns N' Moses
- I was looking for a dating website with lots of Christians So I joined Ashley Madison
- What did the missionaries give the cannibals? Their first taste of Christianity.
- How did Batman get out of religious jail? He had to pay Christian Bail
Converted Christianity Jokes
Here is a list of funny converted christianity jokes and even better converted christianity puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why did the Christian convert quit his job at the sewer company? Because entering manholes was no longer his thing.
- Jewish Joke About Warm Weather אחי היה לי כלכך חם שהבטחתי שאם יציעו לי להתנצר בזה הרגע אני אעשה את זה רק בשביל ההטבלה.
Dude. It was so hot, I swear that I'd convert to Christianity for the Baptism. - My Jewish grandma told me this one An Orthodox Jew is praying to god:
"God! I need help, my son converted to Christianity!"
God says: "don't worry, that happens to everyone. Even to me!" - Which Software do the christians like the most ? The Converters kind of software.
- "I used to be a Christian" The girl said. The boy chuckled "that's fine what made you Convert?"
The girl turned and said "I feel more like a Christina than a Christian" - Rabbi Shultz converted to Christianity...
- What do you call problems that Christians can't convert? Intractable.
- What do you call an actor who converts to Judaism? A Christian bail.
Bible Christianity Jokes
Here is a list of funny bible christianity jokes and even better bible christianity puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- If Christians read the bible to strengthen their beliefs, what should atheists read to strengthen theirs? The same.
- As a Christian I can't Believe there are Billy Idol Cover Bands The Bible is very clear that we should not have False Idols
- Trump's Twitter is like the Christian Bible Both believers and nonbelievers read it to reinforce their views
- Justin Timberlake was a devout christian during his N-Sync days. He was always reading his Bye Bye Bible.
- As a Christian I always take the holy bible into the bathroom to read And I don't stop till all Acts are done
- I asked this christian how many bibles she had in her backpack And she told me it was nun of my business
- Why is a vegetarian mathematician always a good Christian? Because in the Bible it says "be fruitful and multiply"
- How do you hide money from a Fundamentalist Christian? Put it in a Bible.
Christianity Holy Jokes
Here is a list of funny christianity holy jokes and even better christianity holy puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I joined a Christian dating site And got Holy Ghosted
- What do you call a Christian Mingle date who never returned your message? The Holy Ghost.
- What do you call a Christian who lost their faith? Holy Ghosted.
- My dad is a huge fan of Christian screamo... Whenever he's out working on his car he always singing along like "JESUS CHRIST!" "HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!"
- Since Christians believe that God is The Father, The Son and The holy spirit Clearly states that Jesus Christ suffered from Tripolar Disorder.
- I want to open a Christian tobacco store. I'm going to call it Holy Smokes.
- A Christian company decided to stop selling replicas of the Holy Lance They were really cutting into their prophet.
- What's a Christian's favorite alcohol? Holy Spirit
Christianity Islam Jokes
Here is a list of funny christianity islam jokes and even better christianity islam puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's the Islamic equivalent of cafeteria Christianity? Allah-cart.
- What are the four largest religions in Germany? Christianity, Islam, Judaism, and Efficiency.
Dark Christianity Jokes
Here is a list of funny dark christianity jokes and even better dark christianity puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Christian Bale ate a large amount of candy bars on the set of the Dark Knight. According to the Heath ledger.
Rib-Tickling Christianity Jokes that Bring Friends Together
What funny jokes about christianity you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean religion jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make christianity pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It's strange to see Christians advocating abstinence only s**... education...
According to their own religion, even abstinence isn't 100% effective.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
k**... Pastor
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux k**....
This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux k**.... I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
Once I was walking along the Golden Gate Bridge
Once I was walking along the Golden Gate Bridge and I saw this guy about to jump.
I said, "Don't jump."
He said, "Nobody loves me."
I said, "God loves you. Are you a Christian or a Jew?"
He said, "A Christian."
I said, "Me too! Protestant or Catholic?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me too! What denomination?"
He said, "Baptist."
I said, "Me too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Baptist."
I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."
I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist, Great Lakes Conference, or Northern Conservative Baptist, Eastern Conference?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist, Great Lakes Conference."
I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Conference, Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Conference, Council of 1912."
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Conference, Council of 1912."
I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him off.
--Emo Philips
A guy goes in an Adult Store in Western Sydney and asks for an inflatable doll.
A guy goes in an Adult Store in Western Sydney and asks for an inflatable doll.
The guy behind the counter says, Male or female ?
The customer says, Female.
The counter guy asks, Black or white?
The customer says, White.
The counter guy asks, Christian or Muslim?
The customer says, What does religion have to do with it?
The counter guy says, The Muslim one blows itself up.
A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out.
A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it.
"I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he told me last week that he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"
"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you, I, too, brought up my boy in the faith, put him though university, cost me a fortune, then one day he came to me and told me he has decided to become a Chrsitian."
"What did you do?" Asked the lawyer.
"I turned to God for the answer," replied the Rabbi.
"And what did he say?"
He said, "Funny you should come to me..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was walking across a bridge...
and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he asked.
I said, "Well there's so much to live for."
"Like what?"
"Well, are you religious or atheist?"
"Religious."
"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"
"Christian."
"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."
"Me too! Are you Baptist or Episcopalian!"
"Baptist."
"Me too! Are you Baptist Church or God or Reformed Baptist Church of God"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Reformed Baptist Church of God Reformation of 1893 or Reformed Baptist Church of God Reformation of 1917?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God Reformation of 1917."
To which I said, "Die, heretic s**...!" as I pushed him off the bridge.
A man goes to see his rabbi...
... "rabbi, I am very troubled. My son, he went off traveling the world, and came back a christian!" The rabbi replies, "you know, it's so strange you say that. My son also left home, and came back a christian!" The two decide to pray to God about this, and God replies, "you know, it's so strange you say that..."
TIL that for release in Finland, the original Mortal Kombat had to be censored in an unusual way. Censors were fine with the gore, but insisted the music be replaced with traditional Christian songs.
FINNISH HYMN!!!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Jew problems
An old jew comes to a rabbi and says: "Please help me, my son became a christian!"
The rabbi replies: "i can't help you, god has the same problem."
A mom walks into her sons room to get him up for church..
She says to the son, "Get up its time for church."
The son rolls over and says so his mom, "I'm not going to church and I'll tell you three reasons why. 1) I don't like the people 2) The people don't like me and 3) I don't want to go."
The mother responds," You ARE going to church and I'll tell you three reasons why. 1) You're a Christian, you have to go even when you don't want to. 2) You're 42 years old. And 3) You're the priest."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If Christians want to stop gay s**......
they should encourage gay marriage.
A guy wakes up to a woman next to him in bed
and she was already awake. She says to him "I have a confession to make, I was once a Christian"
The guy, still half-asleep says, "oh that's okay babe, I've never really been one to care."
"Oh good" she replies, "I much prefer being a Christine anyways."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Just been banned from a Christian dating website.
Apparently "Hung_Like_Jesus" isn't an appropriate user name!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So I walked into a s**... shop the other day...
Me: I'm looking for a blow up doll
Manager: Great, we have plenty! What gender?
Me: I'd like a female.
Manager: Awesome, and would you like the doll to be Christian, Protestant, or Muslim?
Me: (confused) Why does the religion matter? What's the difference?
Manager: Well, there really is none between the Christian and Protestant. However, the Muslim will blow itself up.
There are three truths in religion:
1) Jewish people do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2) Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3) Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store.
[Religion]A man sees a boy with a box of kittens
The man goes over and says "Oh what cute kittens!" The boy replies "Yes they are Christian kittens". About a week later the man sees the boy again with the same batch of kittens. Once again he walks over and says "my, those are just adorable!" The boy replies "Yes, they are atheist kittens" The man asks "wait, weren't they christian before?" The boy looks at the man and says "Yeah but they have their eyes open now.
I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg
so I said to him, 'Which is your favourite Christian festival?'
He replied 'Have to love Easter, baby.'
A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim find a pile of coins
A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim find a pile of coins.
They start arguing what they should take and what they should give to God.
The Christian draws a circle and says, We throw the coins into he air, and whatever lands in the circle, we keep.
The Muslim says, No no no. Whatever lands outside the circle we keep.
The Jew says, How about we throw it in the air, and whatever God wants, he keeps, and whatever falls to the ground we keep.
A man goes for confession ...
The priest says Tell me son why are you here
Well father , during the war , I hid a Jewish family in my attic and saved them from certain death. the man replied.
The priest taken aback replies , Well son this is a rather noble act that the lord would be proud of , why are you here at confession?
Well father , I charged them rent to stay in my attic. the man replied.
This is not right son , we should help others without asking anything in return , this is the true Christian way the priest replied.
The man replied , Well in that case should I tell them that the war is over ?
Christian Horse
A Christian guy named Bill saw ana d online for a Christian Horse, so he went to check it out. The horse's owner said, "It's easy to ride him. Just say 'Praise the Lord!' to make him go and 'Amen!' to make him stop."
Bill got on the horse and said, "Praise the Lord!" Sure enough, the horse started to walk. "Praise the Lord!" he said again, and the horse began to trot. "Praise the Lord!" he yelled and the horse broke into a gallop.
Bill was enjoying his ride so much that he almost didn't notice the cliff he and horse were about to go over. Bill shouted "AMEN!" at the top of his lungs, and the horse stopped right at the edge of the cliff.
Relieved, Bill said, "Phew, Praise the Lord!"
A very religious man went on a safari
When he was there, he found a huge lion. The man didn't have a gun and there was no way he could outrun the lion. So, he did the only thing he could do. He got on his knees and prayed "Dear God, I was always a good Christian. Will you perform a miracle and give this lion some christian feelings".
That moment, the clouds parted and a beam of light came from above and touched the lion's heart. The lion raised his paws to the heavens and loudly prayed "Thank you Lord for this meal I'm about to receive."
PS: it was a beam of light.
PPS: 12 700 upvotes and 17 awards. Thank you so much. I haven't been this happy since Xmas.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My atheist friend recently came out as transgender and decided to become a Christian.
They're a "she" now, but they were a heathen.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Christian once asked me if I had found Jesus...
I said "holy s**..., you guys lost him again?"
A man lost at sea is found on an island 20 years later.
The sailors that find him are surprised to see three large buildings on the island. They ask the man why he built the buildings. "This first building is my house" he says. "I was able to set up a crude aqueduct to create some form of indoor plumbing". The sailors are impressed and ask about the second building. "This second building is my church" he says "I am a Christian and my faith is very important to me". The sailors nod in understanding and ask about the third building. "Oh, that one" the man says. "That's the church I USED to go to".
4 Monks are being chased by a Hungry Lion!
4 Monks are being chased by a Hungry Lion. As they run, they cry out to God yelling, "PLEASE LORD! CONVERT THIS LION TO BE A CHRISTIAN LION!"
They run until they reach a dead end.
They hungry lion approaches slowly, as they cry out louder:
"PLEASE LORD HEAR OUR PRAYERS AND CONVERT HIM!"
They lion stops walking, and the monks praise God.
The lion kneels down, puts his paws together and says:
"Bless us, O Lord, and these, thy gifts, which we are about to receive through thy bounty, through Christ, our Lord, Amen."
A Jewish man goes to his rabbi for help
"Rabbi, what should I do?" he asks. "My son just converted to Christianity."
"I'm not sure," the rabbi replied. "Let me ask God. Come back tomorrow."
The man goes back the next day. "Sorry," the rabbi said. "God told me He has the same problem."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Studies show that atheists are more likely to own cats than Christians.
Because owning Christians isn't legal, obviously.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Jewish mother walks by a planned parenthood and sees a protestor who's sign says life begins at conception
She goes up to the man and says that may be true of Christian babies, but a Jewish fetus isn't viable until it graduates medical school!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Muslim, a Buddhist and a Christian are forced to jump off a building
So the Buddhist man jumps first. He prays: Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha... When he reaches the ground, he lands safely.
The next one is the Muslim. He jumps, and prays: Inshallah, Inshallah, Inshallah... Upon reaching the ground, he smashes so hard and dies instantly.
The last one is the Christian man. He jumps and starts praying: O u r F a t h e r i n H e a v e n, hallowed be your name. YOUR KINGDOM COME! YOUR WILL... BUDDHA, BUDDHA, BUDDHA, BUDDHA!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Jewish guys are walking down the street...
Two jewish guys are walking down the street when they spot a sign outside a church: "Today Only: Convert to Christianity and we will give you 100 bucks cash!"
"I'm gonna do it," o**... tells the other and disappears through the church door.
5 minutes later he's back. "Well, Did you get the cash?" his buddy asks.
"Jeez Is that all you people think about?" comes the friend's reply.
A priest is being chased through the woods by a hungry bear.
As the priest is running, he makes an impassioned plea to God: Oh please God, in your infinite wisdom and mercy, turn this bear into a good Christian!
Before he can get another word out, he trips over a log and goes sprawling. The bear catches up and approaches the terrified priest. Rising up on its hind legs, it puts its paws together, and says
Lord, thank you for this meal that I am about to receive.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Christian, a Muslim, and a Jew are sentenced to death. The warden lets them choose the method.
The Christian says "a firing squad would be painless. I choose that." In comes a firing squad and *bang* they kill him.
The Muslim says "yes, that does seem to be quick. I also choose the firing squad." *Bang*. He, too, is killed.
The warden says to the Jew, "and how do you want to die?"
And he responds "old age".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Christian, a Muslim, and a Jew walk into a bar
and keep their religions to themselves.
I noticed something about Christianity…
It's literally pray to win
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
what do you get when you cross a Jewish person ?
Christianity
Christian theologians have long maintained that Jesus is both human and divine simultaneously. A recent squabble has divided them over the subject of His nostrils. I know which side I'm on
I'm going with the God-only-nose crowd
