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Christian Jokes

171 christian jokes and hilarious christian puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about christian that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

This article is full of Christian jokes that will have you laughing out loud!

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Funniest Christian Short Jokes

Short christian jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The christian humour may include short catholic jokes also.

  1. It is really unfortunate that Islam, Christianity, and Judaism have been fighting each other for centuries. Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.
  2. I used to be Christian.... Her: I used to be Christian.
    Him: It's all right, I don't really care for those sorts of things.
    Her; Thank god! It's so much better now that I'm Christine!
  3. What's the difference between an atheist and an evangelical Christian? The atheist is honest about not following the teachings of Christ.
  4. Studies show that atheists are more likely to own cats than Christians. Because owning Christians isn't legal, obviously.
  5. Looked down and saw $80 on the sidewalk. Being the good Christian that I am, I thought, what would Jesus do? So I went to the liquor store and turned it into wine
  6. My girlfriend just admitted she used to be a Christian, so I broke up with her. It might seem judgemental, but I have only known her since she was Christine.
  7. If Christians are against gay marriage... Why do they always talk about Jesus marryin' Joseph?
  8. It's funny how Jews, Christians and Muslims have fought each other for centuries. Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.
  9. I found a bundle of dollar bill in the street. As a devout Christian, I asked myself, What would Jesus do? So I turned it into wine.
  10. I found a wallet today and as a good Christian I thought "what would Jesus do?" ... so I turned it into wine.

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Christian One Liners

Which christian one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with christian? I can suggest the ones about biblical and protestant.

  1. Christians, Muslims, and Jews are always fighting, but Hindus never have any beef.
  2. What do you call batman when he skips church? Christian Bale
  3. How do you exclude a Christian? Include everybody like Jesus would do.
  4. Why do women find Christian Grey so appealing? Beats me.
  5. What do you call people who believe in Satan? Christians
  6. What do Christians and mice have in common? They both worship cheeses
  7. Are Christian's allowed to sing eminem in church? Or do their Psalms get sweaty?
  8. Why are christians not able to do trigonometry? Because Jesus took away their sin.
  9. Which chord is essential to every Christian song? Gsus
  10. Christians don't get angry. They hey cross.
  11. What do yu get when you cross a Jew? Christianity.
  12. What's it called when Batman ditches church? Christian bail.
  13. What do you call it when Batman decides not to go to church? Christian Bale
  14. A Christian, a Muslim, and a Jew walk into a bar and keep their religions to themselves.
  15. Batman told me he was skipping church this week. Classic Christian Bale

Christian Atheist Jokes

Here is a list of funny christian atheist jokes and even better christian atheist puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • if Christians read the Bible to get closer to God, what do atheists read to further intensify their non-belief? The Bible.
  • So many Christians run non-profit organizations. On the other hand, atheists... ...only run non-prophet organizations.
  • My atheist friend recently came out as transgender and decided to become a Christian. They're a "she" now, but they were a heathen.
  • Don't you think it's weird... Don't you think it's weird when Atheists call their kids Christian?
    I think a better name would be Godfrey.
    I'll see myself out.
  • There are judges for different religions and they are categorized alphabetically. There's Judge Atheist A, Judge Buddhist B, Judge Christian C and...
    Judge Jew D.
  • What do you get when you cross an atheist and a christian? An argument
  • Christians have the first name Christian, Muslims Mohammed, Jews Isaac, what boys name do atheist have? Godfrey
  • Isn't it funny when atheists name their child Christian… I would've thought Godfrey would be more fitting
  • What do you call atheist Batman? Christian Bale.
  • If Christians read the bible to strengthen their beliefs, what should atheists read to strengthen theirs? The same.

Christian Bible Jokes

Here is a list of funny christian bible jokes and even better christian bible puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Christian's these days only believe in like 12.5% of the Bible I swear most are Eighth-iest
  • How do you starve a right wing christian? Hide their money in their bible.
  • What's the difference between Christians and Jews? Christians get guilt from the Bible. Jews get it from their mother.
  • As a Christian I can't Believe there are Billy Idol Cover Bands The Bible is very clear that we should not have False Idols
  • Trump's Twitter is like the Christian Bible Both believers and nonbelievers read it to reinforce their views
  • Idk how some Christians can justify their homophobia Jesus literally gets nailed by a bunch of men in the Bible.
  • Justin Timberlake was a devout christian during his N-Sync days. He was always reading his Bye Bye Bible.
  • As a Christian I always take the holy bible into the bathroom to read And I don't stop till all Acts are done
  • I asked this christian how many bibles she had in her backpack And she told me it was nun of my business
  • I read the bible. Some things I adhere to and I force other to do the same. Some things I don't like. I think they are BS. I guess you could say that I am an UnevenGelical Christian.
Christian joke, I read the bible. Some things I adhere to and I force other to do the same.

Christian Kids Jokes

Here is a list of funny christian kids jokes and even better christian kids puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My kid comes up to me and asks... Hey mom, if you're sentenced to prison in the court of God, would you need Christian Bale??
  • My girlfriend got a tattoo that said "Proud Christian" I don't think our kids got it though.
  • Christian kids be like: Hey, my parents are not home for the weekend.. ..so you can't come over.
  • Whats the difference between a Christian and a Muslim? One blows up kids, the other gets blown by them.
  • So I was talking to a Christian mother We were talking and she said "I tell my kids Santa doesn't exist, I don't want them to believe in stuff that isn't real."
  • Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey had kids together… But the children were clones of Mr. Grey because he had all the dominant genes.
  • Why did the deeply Christian Mom hate Narnia? It had kids coming out of the closet.
  • I'm going to start an education program aimed at changing kids' reading habits to post-rapture Christian novels. It's called "no, child, 'Left Behind!'"
  • Two kids of different faiths are walking to school The Christian kid says "My faith can move mountians!"
    The Muslim kid says "My faith can move towers!"
  • What do Jewish kids say to their Christian friends at Christmas? Sorry we killed your saviour, can we play with his new toys.

Born Again Christian Jokes

Here is a list of funny born again christian jokes and even better born again christian puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I was born Christian. Then I changed my name when I was old enough.
  • What do 12 year old mexican girls and born-again christians have in common? They both have a little Jesus in 'em...
  • Born again Christian I've never understood the term "born again Christian." Is that someone who goes to their mother and says, "Mom, I'm going back in, and I'm not coming out until I've found Jesus."
  • Why is every 'christian' a 'born again christian' ? Because unlike Jesus they never crossed over to the next world in the first place.
  • Was Jesus Christ the first born again christian?
  • If Indiana Jones was a new-born Christian what would he change his job title to? Arkeologist.

Christian Christmas Jokes

Here is a list of funny christian christmas jokes and even better christian christmas puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why did the dyslexic Christian kill himself on Christmas day? Because Satan was crawling down his chimney.
  • What do you drink at Christmas if you're not sure about Christianity? Egg-nogstic
  • Santa writes to Chuck Norris about what he wants for Christmas.
  • I'm stuck in Christmas mass right now and I need some n**... religious jokes about Christianity in order to make my dad crack. Have any? Help me, I got dragged to this as vice and now we need jokes.
Christian joke, I'm stuck in Christmas mass right now and I need some n**... religious jokes about Christianity in o

Howlingly Hilarious Christian Jokes for All Ages to Enjoy

What funny jokes about christian you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean spiritual jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make christian pranks.

It's strange to see Christians advocating abstinence only s**... education...

According to their own religion, even abstinence isn't 100% effective.

One day after s**..., my girl told me she used to be a Christian.

Me: "It doesn't worry me at all, babe."
Her: "Awesome! I really so much prefer being a Christine."

A priest is being chased through the woods by a hungry bear.

As the priest is running, he makes an impassioned plea to God: Oh please God, in your infinite wisdom and mercy, turn this bear into a good Christian!
Before he can get another word out, he trips over a log and goes sprawling. The bear catches up and approaches the terrified priest. Rising up on its hind legs, it puts its paws together, and says
Lord, thank you for this meal that I am about to receive.

A very religious man went on a safari

When he was there, he found a huge lion. The man didn't have a gun and there was no way he could outrun the lion. So, he did the only thing he could do. He got on his knees and prayed "Dear God, I was always a good Christian. Will you perform a miracle and give this lion some christian feelings".
That moment, the clouds parted and a beam of light came from above and touched the lion's heart. The lion raised his paws to the heavens and loudly prayed "Thank you Lord for this meal I'm about to receive."
PS: it was a beam of light.
PPS: 12 700 upvotes and 17 awards. Thank you so much. I haven't been this happy since Xmas.

A Muslim, a Buddhist and a Christian are forced to jump off a building

So the Buddhist man jumps first. He prays: Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha... When he reaches the ground, he lands safely.

The next one is the Muslim. He jumps, and prays: Inshallah, Inshallah, Inshallah... Upon reaching the ground, he smashes so hard and dies instantly.

The last one is the Christian man. He jumps and starts praying: O u r F a t h e r i n H e a v e n, hallowed be your name. YOUR KINGDOM COME! YOUR WILL... BUDDHA, BUDDHA, BUDDHA, BUDDHA!

Two Jewish guys are walking down the street...

Two jewish guys are walking down the street when they spot a sign outside a church: "Today Only: Convert to Christianity and we will give you 100 bucks cash!"
"I'm gonna do it," o**... tells the other and disappears through the church door.
5 minutes later he's back. "Well, Did you get the cash?" his buddy asks.
"Jeez Is that all you people think about?" comes the friend's reply.

A girl and guy are laying in bed after s**...

She turns to him and says,
"Babe I need to tell you something, I used to be a Christian."
He said:
"That doesn't bother me any!"
She responded:
"That's a relief, I much prefer being a Christine."

TIL that for release in Finland, the original Mortal Kombat had to be censored in an unusual way. Censors were fine with the gore, but insisted the music be replaced with traditional Christian songs.

FINNISH HYMN!!!

Just been banned from a Christian dating website.

Apparently "Hung_Like_Jesus" isn't an appropriate user name!

So I walked into a s**... shop the other day...

Me: I'm looking for a blow up doll
Manager: Great, we have plenty! What gender?
Me: I'd like a female.
Manager: Awesome, and would you like the doll to be Christian, Protestant, or Muslim?
Me: (confused) Why does the religion matter? What's the difference?
Manager: Well, there really is none between the Christian and Protestant. However, the Muslim will blow itself up.

Dear Muslim refugees: just pretend to be Christian.

That's what most Christians do anyways.

Wife: I used to be a Christian.

Husband: Well that's fine by me
Wife: Thanks, I'm much happier being a Christine now!

A man goes to see his rabbi...

... "rabbi, I am very troubled. My son, he went off traveling the world, and came back a christian!" The rabbi replies, "you know, it's so strange you say that. My son also left home, and came back a christian!" The two decide to pray to God about this, and God replies, "you know, it's so strange you say that..."

A man is walking through the woods when he sees a bear charging at him.

He books it, but he knows he can't outrun a bear for long, so he starts praying: "Dear Lord, I beseech thee. Please, o Lord, please let this bear be a Christian!" The bear catches up to him, knocks him down on the ground, then gets on its knees and says: "Dear Lord, thank you for this food I am about to receive..."

There are three truths in religion:

1) Jewish people do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2) Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3) Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store.

The Lion with Christian feelings

Once upon a time... there was a m**... walking along the savannah when he suddenly encountered himself with a very hungry lion.
Scared to death, the m**... went down on knees and prayed "Oh dear Lord, please come down and give christian feelings to this poor criature".
After one second, the miracle occurred: the lion knelt down and prayed "Oh dear lord, bless this food you have provided me".

A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim find a pile of coins

A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim find a pile of coins.
They start arguing what they should take and what they should give to God.
The Christian draws a circle and says, We throw the coins into he air, and whatever lands in the circle, we keep.
The Muslim says, No no no. Whatever lands outside the circle we keep.
The Jew says, How about we throw it in the air, and whatever God wants, he keeps, and whatever falls to the ground we keep.

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Jew are sentenced to death. The warden lets them choose the method.

The Christian says "a firing squad would be painless. I choose that." In comes a firing squad and *bang* they kill him.
The Muslim says "yes, that does seem to be quick. I also choose the firing squad." *Bang*. He, too, is killed.
The warden says to the Jew, "and how do you want to die?"
And he responds "old age".

A guy wakes up to a woman next to him in bed

and she was already awake. She says to him "I have a confession to make, I was once a Christian"
The guy, still half-asleep says, "oh that's okay babe, I've never really been one to care."
"Oh good" she replies, "I much prefer being a Christine anyways."

A man goes for confession ...

The priest says Tell me son why are you here
Well father , during the war , I hid a Jewish family in my attic and saved them from certain death. the man replied.
The priest taken aback replies , Well son this is a rather noble act that the lord would be proud of , why are you here at confession?
Well father , I charged them rent to stay in my attic. the man replied.
This is not right son , we should help others without asking anything in return , this is the true Christian way the priest replied.
The man replied , Well in that case should I tell them that the war is over ?

If Christians want to stop gay s**......

they should encourage gay marriage.

I don't understand Christians

They say that gambling is wrong, but they bet their entire life on there being a heaven.

A pastor goes hiking

as he comes around a corner on the trail he comes across a giant grizzly bear. The bear lets out a growl and is about to charge when the pastor falls on his knees and prays: "Lord, I pray that the bear would be a Christian." In an amazing miracle, the bear is converted instantly and stops where it is. It looks upwards and begins to give thanks: "Thank you Father, for the meal I am about to eat..."

[Religion]A man sees a boy with a box of kittens

The man goes over and says "Oh what cute kittens!" The boy replies "Yes they are Christian kittens". About a week later the man sees the boy again with the same batch of kittens. Once again he walks over and says "my, those are just adorable!" The boy replies "Yes, they are atheist kittens" The man asks "wait, weren't they christian before?" The boy looks at the man and says "Yeah but they have their eyes open now.

Jesus asks a Christian, "What's up with all those crosses? Which part of my story makes you think I like crosses?"

The Christian replies: "I don't know, but you seem to be quite attached to them."

"i used to be a Christian"

She said to her boyfriend, he replies "that's ok, I don't mind" relieved she says "oh that's great, I'm so much more comfortable being Christine"

A woman walks into a s**... shop

She tells the clerk she wants a s**... doll.
He says" First off, do you want a man or a woman?"
Sey replies "A man"
Then he asks " Black or white"
She replies "White"
Finally he asks "Christian or Muslum"
She asks" what's the difference?"
He says" Well the Muslum blows itself up"

A guy goes in an Adult Store in Western Sydney and asks for an inflatable doll.

A guy goes in an Adult Store in Western Sydney and asks for an inflatable doll.
The guy behind the counter says, Male or female ?
The customer says, Female.
The counter guy asks, Black or white?
The customer says, White.
The counter guy asks, Christian or Muslim?
The customer says, What does religion have to do with it?
The counter guy says, The Muslim one blows itself up.

Boy: Dad how come there are no Jews, Christians or Muslims in Star Trek?

Dad: Cause it's the future son

A man lost at sea is found on an island 20 years later.

The sailors that find him are surprised to see three large buildings on the island. They ask the man why he built the buildings. "This first building is my house" he says. "I was able to set up a crude aqueduct to create some form of indoor plumbing". The sailors are impressed and ask about the second building. "This second building is my church" he says "I am a Christian and my faith is very important to me". The sailors nod in understanding and ask about the third building. "Oh, that one" the man says. "That's the church I USED to go to".

Christians always go on about the time Jesus fed five thousand people with five loaves and two fishes...

What about h**...? He made 6 million jews toast.

Once I was walking along the Golden Gate Bridge

Once I was walking along the Golden Gate Bridge and I saw this guy about to jump.
I said, "Don't jump."
He said, "Nobody loves me."
I said, "God loves you. Are you a Christian or a Jew?"
He said, "A Christian."
I said, "Me too! Protestant or Catholic?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me too! What denomination?"
He said, "Baptist."
I said, "Me too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Baptist."
I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."
I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist, Great Lakes Conference, or Northern Conservative Baptist, Eastern Conference?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist, Great Lakes Conference."
I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Conference, Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Conference, Council of 1912."
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Conference, Council of 1912."
I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him off.
--Emo Philips

A Jewish mother walks by a planned parenthood and sees a protestor who's sign says life begins at conception

She goes up to the man and says that may be true of Christian babies, but a Jewish fetus isn't viable until it graduates medical school!

I found a wallet the other day...

Being the Christian that I am, I said to myself: "What would Jesus do?"

So, I turned it into wine.

A Christian once asked me if I had found Jesus...

I said "holy s**..., you guys lost him again?"

A Jewish man goes to his rabbi for help

"Rabbi, what should I do?" he asks. "My son just converted to Christianity."
"I'm not sure," the rabbi replied. "Let me ask God. Come back tomorrow."
The man goes back the next day. "Sorry," the rabbi said. "God told me He has the same problem."

4 Monks are being chased by a Hungry Lion!

4 Monks are being chased by a Hungry Lion. As they run, they cry out to God yelling, "PLEASE LORD! CONVERT THIS LION TO BE A CHRISTIAN LION!"
They run until they reach a dead end.
They hungry lion approaches slowly, as they cry out louder:
"PLEASE LORD HEAR OUR PRAYERS AND CONVERT HIM!"
They lion stops walking, and the monks praise God.
The lion kneels down, puts his paws together and says:
"Bless us, O Lord, and these, thy gifts, which we are about to receive through thy bounty, through Christ, our Lord, Amen."

Christian people are boycotting eggnog this year

They heard if you drink it, you become eggnostic

I got banned from a Christian dating site

I suppose "hung like Jesus" *was* a poor choice for a username.

Christian Horse

A Christian guy named Bill saw ana d online for a Christian Horse, so he went to check it out. The horse's owner said, "It's easy to ride him. Just say 'Praise the Lord!' to make him go and 'Amen!' to make him stop."
Bill got on the horse and said, "Praise the Lord!" Sure enough, the horse started to walk. "Praise the Lord!" he said again, and the horse began to trot. "Praise the Lord!" he yelled and the horse broke into a gallop.
Bill was enjoying his ride so much that he almost didn't notice the cliff he and horse were about to go over. Bill shouted "AMEN!" at the top of his lungs, and the horse stopped right at the edge of the cliff.
Relieved, Bill said, "Phew, Praise the Lord!"

A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out.

A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it.
"I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he told me last week that he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"
"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you, I, too, brought up my boy in the faith, put him though university, cost me a fortune, then one day he came to me and told me he has decided to become a Chrsitian."
"What did you do?" Asked the lawyer.
"I turned to God for the answer," replied the Rabbi.
"And what did he say?"
He said, "Funny you should come to me..."

Jew problems

An old jew comes to a rabbi and says: "Please help me, my son became a christian!"
The rabbi replies: "i can't help you, god has the same problem."

Did you hear about the m**... who went to visit the cannibals?

He gave them their first taste of Christianity.

I found a wallet today, and as a practicing Christian, I asked myself "what would Jesus do?"

So I turned it into wine.

k**... Pastor

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux k**....
This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux k**.... I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

Blow-up dolls

I went to my local s**... shop last night to get a new blow-up doll. As I was looking at them the clerk came up to me and asked if I needed help? 
I said yes and he asked if I wanted a male or female? 
I said a female and he asked blonde or brunette? 
I said blonde. Then he asked Muslim or Christian?
I asked what's the difference? 
He said the Muslim blows itself up.

A mom walks into her sons room to get him up for church..

She says to the son, "Get up its time for church."
The son rolls over and says so his mom, "I'm not going to church and I'll tell you three reasons why. 1) I don't like the people 2) The people don't like me and 3) I don't want to go."
The mother responds," You ARE going to church and I'll tell you three reasons why. 1) You're a Christian, you have to go even when you don't want to. 2) You're 42 years old. And 3) You're the priest."

If muslims want to get into the US, they can just pretend they're Christians.

You know, just like Republicans.

I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg

so I said to him, 'Which is your favourite Christian festival?'
He replied 'Have to love Easter, baby.'

My girlfriend told me "I used to be Christian"

"That's fine" I replied "I don't see why that would bother me"
"Good" She said "because I'm so much happier as Christina"

I was walking across a bridge...

and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he asked.

I said, "Well there's so much to live for."

"Like what?"

"Well, are you religious or atheist?"

"Religious."

"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"

"Christian."

"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestant."

"Me too! Are you Baptist or Episcopalian!"

"Baptist."

"Me too! Are you Baptist Church or God or Reformed Baptist Church of God"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God."

"Reformed Baptist Church of God Reformation of 1893 or Reformed Baptist Church of God Reformation of 1917?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God Reformation of 1917."

To which I said, "Die, heretic s**...!" as I pushed him off the bridge.

what do you get when you cross a Jewish person ?

Christianity

Two muslims were in relationship.

Her: "I am sorry, but I was Christian before we were together. I know I should have told you earlier."
Him: "No problem, if you don't feel like Christian anymore, you have nothing to worry about."
Her: "Oh, thanks. Don't worry. I feel much better as Christina now."

Christian joke, Two muslims were in relationship.

jokes about christian