Christ Jokes
157 christ jokes and hilarious christ puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about christ that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Do you want to enjoy a good laugh? Look no further than our collection of clever Christ Jokes! With humor ranging from the Disciples in Nazareth to modern day ABOKI 4 Christ, you're sure to giggle your way to redemption. Let us SUS your day with some lighthearted fun!
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Funniest Christ Short Jokes
Short christ jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The christ humour may include short disciples jokes also.
- Ever wonder how a Jehovah's Witness spreads their word during Covid? Now that you're here, do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?
- What's the difference between an atheist and an evangelical Christian? The atheist is honest about not following the teachings of Christ.
- What do you call it when a zombie steals an idea Plaguegiarism
Jesus Christ dafuq is wrong with me - Following the recent anti-Islam film made, there will be a film made to mock Jesus Christ. It will be released in 1979 and will be called Life of Brian
- Invisible man Invisible man goes to the doctor.
Doctor says "I can't see you right now."
-Christ Novacelic, Reading 1992 - (Original) What do Jesus Christ and Communism have in common? They both fed 5,000 people with five loaves of bread and two fish.
- My religious studies professor assigned an essay about the last days of Christ. I totally nailed it.
- What do the Dallas Cowboys and the Rev. Billie Graham have in common? Both can make 70,000 people stand up and shout "JESUS CHRIST!"
- Jesus Christ was featured on a recent episode of Hoarders Apparently, his saving really got out of control!
- I hate it when people at church always tell me Jesus Christ will return soon… Like dude, calm down, he was nailed to a cross, not a boomerang!
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Christ One Liners
Which christ one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with christ? I can suggest the ones about gospel and jesus christ.
- If Christ were alive today, he'd have a huge retirement account because Jesus saves.
- What did the food critic say after tasting the Body of Christ? Very savioury.
- In Canada, they use B.C.E. instead of B.C It stands for Before Christ, Eh?
- If Jesus Christ died for our sins... then who died for our cos and tans?
- Who has two thumbs and is headed to the hospital? Not me. Christ that tablesaw was sharp.
- Jesus Christ was supposed to be named Franklin.... Until Mary stubbed her toe.
- What was Jesus Christ's least favorite form of exercise? Cross fit.
- What is the biggest miracle of Jesus Christ? Being white in Middle East.
- My father is very religiuos. He tells me to do everything for Christ's sake.
- Did you know that as Christ was getting nailed to the cross... He actually became holier?
- What were Jesus Christ's pronouns? He/Hymn
- Jesus Christ himself was a Ford man ....he walked everywhere.
- Why is bread the body of Christ? Because he is risen.
- I used to think the "CE" in "BCE" stood for "Christ Entrance" It's a common error
- People call me god Every time I walk in the room they say Jesus Christ, he's here again.
Jesus Christ Jokes
Here is a list of funny jesus christ jokes and even better jesus christ puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's the difference between Jesus Christ and Matt Gaetz? Matt Gaetz is not coming back after he's crucified
- Why is Jesus Christ the worst perosn to play first person shooters with? He takes three days to respawn
- Muhammed, Confucius, and Buddha walk into a bar The bartender spots them and says "aw, Christ!"
Muhammed says, "nah, it's Saturday, Jesus don't drink on the Sabbath." - Jesus Christ was arrested for selling bread yesterday. Apparently there was a misunderstanding.
- Jesus Christ said " When one door closes another opens": Not the best line to come from a carpenter
- I'll only watch a Passion of the Christ sequel under one condition. Jesus has to say, you crossed the wrong guy!
Nailed it. - Pilot: Ladies and gentleman, I have to inform you we are losing altitude (pause)
And the reason we are losing altitude is because we are about to land.
(Jesus Christ, funny pilots...) - It is pretty weird that most of the Christians are against body piercings. After all, Jesus Christ had four of them.
- My coworkers worship me. Every time I show up, I hear them say "Jesus Christ!"
- Jesus Christ, 12 years old, steps out of his home but neglects to close the door behind him. Mary: Hold on, son! Were you born in a barn?
Church Of Christ Jokes
Here is a list of funny church of christ jokes and even better church of christ puns that will make you laugh with friends.
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Food contamination scandal hits the church.
Communion wafers found to contain 0% Christ. - What's the motto for the church's spaceflight program? The Power of Christ Propels You!
- Church I'm going to start a religious sect for people who love both bible study and varietals of cheddar.
It shall be called The Church of Cheesus Christ. - The Pope, four cardinals, and 17 bishops walk into a Church. A parishioner sees this ensemble and says, Oh Christ, He's coming!
- I asked my Japanese father why he drinks before church. "For Christ's sake, don't ask!"
- Do you know why churches don't have AC? Because it came After Christ.
Comical & Quirky Christ Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
What funny jokes about christ you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean church of christ jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make christ pranks.
A guy sits down on a bench next to a Thai kid wearing soccer cleats.
"So, who are you rooting for in the World Cup Final?" the man asks, noticing the soccer gear.
"I don't know, who's playing?" the boy answers.
"Jesus Christ, have you been under a rock or something?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There's a new type of h**... on the market that's called "Jesus Christ"
Finally a way for people to feel good after taking the lord's name in vein
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Lone Survivor
The rescue team finds the crashed airplane. The lone survivor is chewing on a bone,with a huge pile of bones next to him. The rescuers are shocked. He says "You can't judge me for this, I had to survive." The rescue leader says "But, Christ, man ... your plane went down two days ago!"
How did Christopher Columbus find India?
He used Apple Maps.
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests...
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, you're not." So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, "No, son, you're not." The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"
Three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger...
One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. "Jesus Christ" he exclaimed.
Joseph said: "Write that down, Mary. It's better than Wayne."
So aliens from Mars comes down to Earth...
...And they're friendly! The leaders of the world and the aliens plan a huge televised event where the leaders can ask questions on whatever they want.
During this event, the pope is up to talk to the aliens.
"I know this question may sound odd to you gentlemen," the pope starts to ask, "but I was wondering if you and your kind knew about Jesus Christ?"
"Jesus Christ?!?" the alien leader exclaims, "how do we not! He swings by our planet every two years or so. Awesome guy!"
Now this obviously starts a huge debate within the UN, as this information now has implications to everything they knew. The pope, however, is not exactly a happy person as his brain is on other information.
"EVERY TWO YEARS OR SO?!?" The pope exclaims, "We've still been waiting for his SECOND coming!"
Trying to calm down the pope, the aliens say "Well maybe he didn't like your chocolate."
The pope, upon hearing this news, takes a few moments to calm down. When he finally regains his composure, he states calmly, "Forgive me, but what does chocolate have anything to do with this?"
The aliens respond, "Well when he was on our planet, we would give him huge boxes of chocolates. Why, what did you guys do when he was here?"
The guy was in the store buying a fake Christmas tree.
The shop attendant asked him, "Are you going to put that tree up yourself?"
The guy replied, "Don't be disgusting! I'm going to put it in the living room!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It's Christmas time at the Pearly Gates..
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates'
Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said
'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally
pulled out a pair of women's p**....
St. Peter looked at the man
with a raised eyebrow and asked,
'And just what do those symbolize?'
The p**... replied, 'These are Carols.'
This Christmas, I got a new car for my wife
I thought it was a great trade.
What Christmas Carol do they sing in North Korea?
We Three Kims
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests.
He says "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says "no son you're not." The drunk turns to the other priest, "I'm jesus Christ" to which the second priest replies "no son you're not." So the drunk says "Look I'll show you." So he walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and says "Jesus Christ you're here again?"
It was Christmas day.....
and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,"What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant.
"That's no offense", said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened."
Why was Kanye's Christmas gift to Kim spoiled?
Because he's a bad wrapper
All I got for Christmas was a pack of sticky cards.
It was difficult to deal with.
An Irish mother comes home from holiday
Mother to her son: "Where's your brother jimmy?"
Son: " Oh, He died."
Mother: "Jesus christ! Don't just come out with something like that, at least give me a warning of some sorts, like say he was on the roof and he fell off it or something!"
Son: "Oh ok, sorry mother"
Mother: "Never mind about that, where's your father?"
Son: "Well, He was on the roof..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An atheist's response to witnessing the second coming of Christ.
"Well, I'll be d**...."
One Billion Funny Joke
According to a recent government publication ...
A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.
A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.
A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.
A billion dollars ago was late yesterday at the U.S. Treasury.
the most famous person in the history of the world
The teacher addressed his class,"I'll give five dollars to anybody who can name the most famous person in the history of the world."
An Irish boy raised his hand and said,"St. Patrick."
"Sorry Seamus, that's not correct."
Then a French boy raised his hand and said,"Napoleon."
The teacher replied,"I'm sorry, Jean, that's not right either."
Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and answered,"Jesus Christ."
"That's right, David! You win the five dollars. Congratulations!" As the teacher was handing over the cash he said,"You know David, I'm surprised you said Jesus Christ."
"Yeah, in my heart I knew it was Moses. But business is business."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Be more like Christ they said...
Be more like Christ they said, so I became Jewish.
A drunk guy walks out of a bar
There's a cop outside who asks him, "What's your name, son?"
The drunk guys answers, "I'm Jesus Christ!"
Cop says, "You are not Jesus Christ. What's your name?"
Drunk guy replies, "I'll prove it. Follow me." The cop follows him back into the bar.
As they enter, the bartender yells, "Jesus Christ! Are you back again?!"
Drunk guys turns to cop and says, "See?"
Why can't you have Christmas dinner in the EU?
Because there is no Turkey
Last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree...
The guy at the counter asked my dad "are you going to put it up yourself?" To which my dad responded "don't be disgusting... I'm going to put it in the living room."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Christmas these days is a lot like having s**...
the build up is great but when it finally comes, I regret spending all that money.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's p**....
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The Irishman replied, 'These are Carol's'
And So The Christmas Season begins......and I sure hope the jokes get better.
What's the same about Christmas and work?
I do all the work and a fat man in a suit gets all the credit.
A nun hears overhears a bunch of construction workers swearing and decides to head over there for lunch one day...
The nun sits down at the lunch table with her little sack lunch and turns to a group of workers and says:
"Have any of you ever heard of Jesus Christ?"
One worker stands up and yells to everyone on the site: "Hey! Has anyone here ever heard of Jesus Christ?"
Another worker shouts back: "Why?"
The first worker says: "Because his mom's here with his lunch!"
For Christmas my mum bought me a t-shirt saying, "I'm a nudist."
I haven't worn it yet.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Christmas always s**... when I was a kid...
I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If Christians want to stop gay s**......
they should encourage gay marriage.
The Pope is teaching a Sunday school class
"Children" begins the Pope. "Where's Jesus today?"
Little Tommy says: "He's in my heart."
Little Barry says: "He's in Heaven."
Little Davey says: "He's in our bathroom."
The surprised Pope asks Little Davey how he knows this.
"Well," says Little Davey, "every day my Dad bangs on our bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?"
Why did the Christmas tree get thrown in prison?
Treeson.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A boy pokes a girl with a pin at church
The church priest asks the girl a question "who is our lord and savior?" *the boy stabs her with the pin* she yells "JESUS CHRIST" the priest says "good good, who created us" *the boy stabs her again* she yells "GOD ALMIGHTY" the priest says "good good, now, what did Eve say to Adam after they had their 42nd child?" *he stabs her again* the girl screams "IF YOU PUT THAT THING IN MY ONE MORE TIME IM GONNA SHOVE IT DOWN YOUR t**...!" The priest faints..
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Anyone who thinks Jesus wasn't a white man has never been to communion
The body of Christ is a c**....
Christmas lights remind me of my friends.
They all hang together, half of them don't work, and the ones that do aren't that bright.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
For Christmas last year I got a sweater.
This year I'd prefer a moaner or a squirter.
"What are you getting this Christmas?" asked my friend.
I said, "Fatter."
I can't believe Christmas is only 364 days away...
...feels like it was just yesterday.
Four nuns about to take their vows..
Four novice nuns were about to take their vows.
Dressed in their white gowns, they entered the chapel for their symbolic marriage to Jesus, making them "Brides of Christ."
Just as the ceremony was about to begin, four Hasidic Jews came in and sat in the front row.
The Mother Superior said, "I am so honored you want to share this experience with us. May I ask why you came?"
"We're from the groom's family."
A Christian man and his children are talking..
Girl: Dad, I have some bad news.
Dad: What?
Girl: I'm a lesbian.
Dad: Okay.
Sister: Dad, I have some bad news too.
Dad: What?
Sister: I'm a lesbian too.
Dad: God, does anyone in this house like boys?
Son: I do.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Jesus Christ turned water into wine and got worshiped by millions.
I turned w**... into cookies and now I have to wash dishes at an olive Garden to pay rent.
Christian to an Atheist, "If God isn't real, how do you explain walking on water? Can you walk on water like Jesus?"
Atheist : Yes.
Christian : Show me a video of you walking on water.
Atheist : I don't need to. You just need to have faith that I did.
When christmas was coming up, my kids asked for a puppy. When I got them one, they cried for days...
I'll just get a turkey next year like normal.
An Old Man is thrown out of a bar
A young man who was walking down the street says "Hey Old-Timer, what happened in there". The old man looks at him and says "Well son, I am Jesus Christ". "Jesus Christ?", the young man replied skeptically. "Yes my son, follow me", the old man said as he walked into the bar.
As he enters, the bartender turns around and says "Jesus Christ! not you again!"
I was at Christmas dinner with my family and I asked my Grandfather what he does for a living...
My Mother replied, "I'm a ventriloquist."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
p**... Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are discussing how great their uncles are
p**... Scotsman says "my uncle is a priest, when he walks down the road everyone nods and say father"
"That's nothing" says p**... Englishman, "My uncle is a bishop, when he walks down the road everyone BOWS and says your grace". Not to be outdone, p**... Irishman looks at them both and laughs. "My uncle weighs over 400lbs (200kg). When he walks down the road everyone says JESUS CHRIST!".
A Christian man was getting chased by a bear in the woods
The man realized the bear was catching up, so the man got down on his knees and yelled "DEAR GOD, PLEASE LET THIS BEAR BECOME A CHRISTIAN SO THAT HE DOESN'T EAT ME" then the bear got down on his knees and said, "Dear God, thank you for this meal."
For Christmas my wife wanted a stuffed Reynard, but I forgot. So...
Zero fox given.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Wanna know how I can prove Jesus was white?
The body of Christ is a c**....
For Christmas, I bought my wife new beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count
Why is Christmas just like another day in the office?
Because you do all the hard work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
Prisoner's Christmas Song
*You better watch out*
*You better not cry*
*You better not pout*
*I'm going in dry*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do Catholics eat the body of Christ?
It's Saviory.
At Christmas we all deserve to be happy, so I got a puppy for my wife...
... it was a good trade
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I wish Christian guys would make up their minds, one minute they are saying homosexuality is a sin and that s**... is evil
The next they are telling me how good it felt to let Jesus enter them.
A Christian man ends up on a deserted island...
He is stranded there for a few years until a rescue boat finds him. When the rescuers get onto the island, they are amazed to see what the man has built to survive. The man had built three different structures out of bamboo and leaves. They asked the man what the first structure was. The man said, That's my house. They then asked about the second structure. That's where I go to Church. The man replied. Then they asked about the third structure. A scowl came over the mans face as he told the rescuers, That's where I used to go to Church.
I used to be Christian....
Her: I used to be Christian.
Him: It's all right, I don't really care for those sorts of things.
Her; Thank god! It's so much better now that I'm Christine!
Last Christmas i got a bottle of scotch for my wife.
That was a fair trade.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I don't know why Christians are so hard on u**... teen mothers.
I mean, Jesus turned out alright.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Christmas tip:
Wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree. Everytime your child acts up, throw one in the fireplace
Christmas!!!
Q: Why dont Chinese people believe in Santa Claus.
A: Cuz they make the gifts....
Three Christian mothers are having afternoon tea and boast about their sons.
The first mother says, "My son is the worship band leader. When he walks past the congregation, they go:
'Oh worship leader! Oh worship leader!'"
"Wow, that's great!" they exclaim.
Not to be outdone, the second mother adds, "Well, MY son is the pastor. When he walks past the church, they go:
'Oh pastor! Oh pastor!'"
The other two shout, "Oh my, how impressive!"
The third mother is beaming with pride and says, "Well, MY son is 4 feet tall and 800 pounds. When he walks past the church, they go:
'MY GOD!'"
Christmas Break
There are 2 boys. Timmy and Bill. They just got back from Christmas break. The first boy, Timmy, says to Bill, I had the best Christmas ever! I got a new bike, new shoes, and an Xbox with all my favorite games on it. What'd you get Bill? He says, I only got a sweater. The first boy asks, Why? Bill answers, Its because I don't have cancer, Timothy.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Jesus Christ wasn't white...
But according to Catholics he's still a c**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Christmas Miracle
It was Christmas time and the lady answered the door to the mailman. She said come inside I have something for you. She took him upstairs and s**... his brains out. The next morning she cooked him a huge breakfast and gave him a dollar. The mailman asked what just happened. She said I asked my husband what to give you for Christmas and he said 'fuck him, give him a dollar' the breakfast was my idea.
Maybe Jesus didn't like your chocolates
So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice. There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.
The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"
The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"
The Pope exclaims, "Every couple of years?? What!!?? We're still waiting for his second coming!"
The alien replies, "Maybe he didn't like your chocolate?"
The Pope is flabbergasted, "What does chocolate have to do with anything?"
The alien says, "Well when he came the first time, we gave him a huge box of chocolates! Why? What did you guys give him?"
A very very Very old joke :)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Religions are so different. Jews do not recognize Christ. Anglicans do not recognize the Pope.
Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.
Christian Horse
A Christian guy named Bill saw ana d online for a Christian Horse, so he went to check it out. The horse's owner said, "It's easy to ride him. Just say 'Praise the Lord!' to make him go and 'Amen!' to make him stop."
Bill got on the horse and said, "Praise the Lord!" Sure enough, the horse started to walk. "Praise the Lord!" he said again, and the horse began to trot. "Praise the Lord!" he yelled and the horse broke into a gallop.
Bill was enjoying his ride so much that he almost didn't notice the cliff he and horse were about to go over. Bill shouted "AMEN!" at the top of his lungs, and the horse stopped right at the edge of the cliff.
Relieved, Bill said, "Phew, Praise the Lord!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Christian man said to his married friend that he is saving himself so he can have all the s**... he can when he is married
Married man : "lol"
