Chris Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

I used to be Christian....

Her: I used to be Christian.

Him: It's all right, I don't really care for those sorts of things.

Her; Thank god! It's so much better now that I'm Christine!

Do you know how Chris Brown's girlfriend found out that he had been cheating on her?

She found another girl's lipstick on his fist.

How did Chris Browns girlfriend find out he was cheating on her?

She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.

If a rich man dies from a drug overdose, the headline should read "Pills bury dough boy"

Credit to my friend Chris

When Christmas was coming up, my kids asked for a puppy. When I got them one, they cried for days...

I'll just get a turkey next year like normal.

How did Rhianna find out that Chris Brown was cheating?

She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.

For Christmas, I bought my wife new beads for her abacus

It's the little things that count

A Christmas Joke (...maybe a LITTLE early)

The guy was in the store buying a fake Christmas tree. The shop attendant asked him, "Are you going to put that tree up yourself?"

The guy replied, "Don't be disgusting! I'm going to put it in the living room!"

This Christmas, I got a new car for my wife

I thought it was a great trade.

Nothing beats a beautiful girl with an amazing voice...

Except Chris Brown

Before Chris Brown did a concert with them, they were just known as "The Peas".

And now they are The ......... Peas

For Christmas my mum bought me a t-shirt saying, "I'm a nudist."

I haven't worn it yet.

Nothing beats a beautiful woman that can also sing

Well, except Chris Brown.

What's the difference between Chris Brown and a Tesla Model S?

The Tesla gets fewer battery charges in a year

What does Chris Brown call a group of his ex-girlfriends?

The punch line

I can't believe christmas is 364 days away...

And people already have their decorations up.

So many Christians run non-profit organizations. On the other hand, atheists...

...only run non-prophet organizations.

Why is Christmas just like your job?

You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Why are christians not able to do trigonometry?

Because Jesus took away their sin.

If Christians want to stop gay sex...

they should encourage gay marriage.

How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her?

She found another women's lipstick on his knuckles.

Christmas always sucked when I was a kid...

I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents.

"i used to be a Christian"

She said to her boyfriend, he replies "that's ok, I don't mind" relieved she says "oh that's great, I'm so much more comfortable being Christine"

I can't believe Christmas is only 364 days away...

...feels like it was just yesterday.

*HA! you thought it was a repost didn't you. Well you're wrong. It's just my stupid alternate version of the joke. I probably found telling the joke more funny than you thought this joke was funny.* :)

Christians don't get angry.

They hey cross.

Chris Cornell dies and goes to heaven

At the gate, St. Peter says, "because your beautiful voice and amazing talent brought happiness to so many people, we'll grant you one wish".

Chris thought about it for a moment and replied, "I'd like the world to be a kinder, better place".

So St. Peter killed Roger Ailes.

Christians always go on about the time Jesus fed five thousand people with five loaves and two fishes...

What about Hitler? He made 6 million jews toast.

So Chris Brown has quit music...

Unsurprisingly, he has beaten Rihanna to it.

How did Rihanna know Chris Brown was cheating on her?

She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.

Chris Christie is so fat, he plans on walking for president.

Chris Brown came out as transgendered today

He figures if he can't beat em may as well join em

A Christian man was getting chased by a bear in the woods

The man realized the bear was catching up, so the man got down on his knees and yelled "DEAR GOD, PLEASE LET THIS BEAR BECOME A CHRISTIAN SO THAT HE DOESN'T EAT ME" then the bear got down on his knees and said, "Dear God, thank you for this meal."

Why is Christmas just like another day in the office?

Because you do all the hard work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

It was Christmas day.....

and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,"What are you charged with?"

"Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant.

"That's no offense", said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"

"Before the store opened."

It's pretty disgusting how celebrity parents name their children after cooked rodent.

Poor Chris Pratt

It's Christmas time at the Pearly Gates..

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates'
Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said
'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally
pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man
with a raised eyebrow and asked,
'And just what do those symbolize?'

The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'

So I sold my guitar...

I sold my guitar to a man with no hands.
So I said to him: "So how are you gonna work that then?"
He shrugged and said: "I'll play it by ear."



All Gratuities payable towards My Uncle Chris.

A Christian, a Jew and a Muslim walk into a bar....

If they weren't arguing they would have seen it coming.

I was at Christmas dinner with my family and I asked my Grandfather what he does for a living...

My Mother replied, "I'm a ventriloquist."

A Christian man ends up on a deserted island...

He is stranded there for a few years until a rescue boat finds him. When the rescuers get onto the island, they are amazed to see what the man has built to survive. The man had built three different structures out of bamboo and leaves. They asked the man what the first structure was. The man said, That's my house. They then asked about the second structure. That's where I go to Church. The man replied. Then they asked about the third structure. A scowl came over the mans face as he told the rescuers, That's where I used to go to Church.

What's the difference between Chris Brown and a radio station?

Radio stations only have 90 minutes of nonstop hits.

My wife claims that I treat one of our kids unfairly.

ο»Ώ"Which one?" I replied, "Chris Jr, or the girl one?"

What was Rihanna's nickname for Chris brown?

Beats me.

Three Christian mothers are having afternoon tea and boast about their sons.

The first mother says, "My son is the worship band leader. When he walks past the congregation, they go:

'Oh worship leader! Oh worship leader!'"

"Wow, that's great!" they exclaim.

Not to be outdone, the second mother adds, "Well, MY son is the pastor. When he walks past the church, they go:

'Oh pastor! Oh pastor!'"

The other two shout, "Oh my, how impressive!"

The third mother is beaming with pride and says, "Well, MY son is 4 feet tall and 800 pounds. When he walks past the church, they go:

'MY GOD!'"

Christmas Joke... Three men died....

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The Irishman replied, 'These are Carol's'

And So The Christmas Season begins......and I sure hope the jokes get better.

What's the same about Christmas and work?

I do all the work and a fat man in a suit gets all the credit.

Christmas lights remind me of my friends.

They all hang together, half of them don't work, and the ones that do aren't that bright.

Christmas gift

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"

The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."

"No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe; she fakes it with Ken."

All I got for Christmas was a pack of sticky cards.

It was difficult to deal with.

Chris Brown is going on tour this year!

He'll be sponsored by Black & Decker.

How did Rihanna know Chris Brown was cheating on her?

She found the other girls lipstick on his knuckles.

And so Christmas Season Begins

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'

I saw a single set of footprints in the sand...

"Lord," I asked, "why is there but one set of footprints in the sand?"

"My child," he tenderly replied, "Those are Chris Christie's."

A very christian woman

A very Christian woman marries a very Christian man. Following the words of the Bible, "Be fruitful and multiply," they have many children. 16 over the course of 18 years, to be exact.

A few years later, the husband dies suddenly of a heart attack. The lady remarries another man, and they have 17 children over the course of 22 years. The woman's second husband dies of old age.

The woman herself dies a few years later. At her funeral, her sister remarks, "Well, at least they're finally together."

"Who? She and her husbands?" asks the pastor.

"No," says the sister. "Her legs."

How did Christopher Columbus find India?

He used Apple Maps.

2 Christians are lost in a desert, hungry and thirsty....

So they finally come across a mosque, and guy1 says "I'm going to tell the imam my name is Mohammed so he'll give me free food and drinks." Guy2 says "its not a good idea, I'm gonna tell him my real name." So they enter the mosque and find the imam, and they say their names. Imam says "nice to meet you guy2, please, help yourself to any food or water we have" then he turns to guy1 (Mohammed) and he says, "and you brother, hows Ramadan coming along?"

Christmas gift to a friend... could afford much but the payphone is cheap.

Me: "Hello, is this the Police?"

Police: "Yes. What do you want?"

Me: "I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Jones! He is hiding marijuana inside logs of firewood in his woodshed"

Police:"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Police descend upon Billy's house. They search the woodshed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they split open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy and left his property.

Soon after they leave the phone rings at Billy's house:

Me: "Hey, Billy! Did the Police come?"

Billy: "Yeah!"

Me: "Did they chop your firewood?"

Billy: "Yep."

Me: "Merry Christmas, Buddy!"

Christmas tip:

Wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree. Everytime your child acts up, throw one in the fireplace

Christmas jokes needed

I am about to MC a high school Christmas staff talent show and need your best Christmas or holiday jokes. This is happening in two hours.

Some Christmas jokes!

**What is the best Christmas present in the world?**

A broken drum – you just can't beat it

**What did Adam say to his wife on the day before Christmas?**

It's Christmas, Eve!

**What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?**

Frostbite!

**Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing?**

They always drop their needles!

**Did Rudolph go to school?**

No. He was Elf-taught!

**Who is Santa's favorite singer?**

Elf-is Presley!

**What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar?**

He got 25 days!

**Why does Santa have three gardens?**

So he can 'ho ho ho'!

**What does Miley Cyrus have at Christmas?**

Twerky!

**Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?**

Because he had a low "elf" esteem!

What brand of power tools does Chris Brown use?

Black and Deck Her

Christmas must be a hard time for dyslexic children.

They get their presents from Satan.

Two Christians are lost in an Arabian desert

David and Michael were going on a safari where they got lost and their car stopped working, they started wondering throughout the desert. With food and water supply almost ending and no reception anywhere they were desperately looking for help. After a very long time in the heat of the desert and almost dying from thirst they finally see a mosque far away. They start discussing among each other. David: I'll pretend my name is Mohammed so they will give me food and water! Michael: I don't care I won't change my name for food! As they go to the mosque, the Muslims rush to their aid. David says he's Mohammed and Michael says he's Michael. So the Muslims get water and food fast for Michael and as David was waiting for his turn the Muslims turn around for him and say... "You know it's Ramadan, right?"!

I think Chris Brown should be a storm trooper in the next Star Wars.

Maybe he can actually hit somebody.

Christian & The Bear

A Christian was hiking in the wilderness, he stumbles upon a bear. The bear starts chasing him! The Christian is now cornered, he gets on one knee and says "Lord, turn this bear into a Christian" the bear creeps up closer and closer, and then gets on one knee and says "Lord, thank you so much for this meal I'm about to receive"

I wish Christian guys would make up their minds, one minute they are saying homosexuality is a sin and that sodomy is evil

The next they are telling me how good it felt to let Jesus enter them.

If Alex Jones and Chris Brown were both on fire and you only had one fire extinguisher...

Where would you hide it?

Prisoner's Christmas Song

*You better watch out*

*You better not cry*

*You better not pout*

*I'm going in dry*

What did Chris Brown say the first time he saw Rhianna?

Hey man, I'd love to hit that.

At Christmas we all deserve to be happy, so I got a puppy for my wife...

... it was a good trade

Why did Chris Brown stop having long-term relationships?

He wanted 2 hit singles

For Christmas last year I got a sweater.

This year I'd prefer a moaner or a squirter.

Why was Kanye's Christmas gift to Kim spoiled?

Because he's a bad wrapper

It was Christmas Eve and my wife came home after a busy day of shopping...

As we were getting undressed for bed, I noticed a mark on the inside of her leg.

"What's that?" I asked.

"I went to a tattoo parlor today and on the inside of one leg, I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas' and on the inside of the other one, they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'"

Perplexed, I asked, "Why did you do that?"

"Well..." she replied. "Now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years."

What do you call a song with a Chris Brown feature?

An instant hit.

Christmas joke (NSFW)

A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean"

Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I'll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky."

Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn't say a word. After a while his girlfriend says: "if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn't have invited you." the young man replies "if you had told me your dad works at a drug store, I wouldn't have come."

Christian Kittens

A preacher was taking a walk one day and happened upon a young girl who was playing with something in a cardboard box.

When he got closer he could see that the box held a litter of new-born kittens. "What kind of kittens are those?" asked the preacher.

"They're Christian kittens," replied the little girl.

The preacher walked on, pleased to see that the little girl had Jesus foremost in her thoughts.

A few days later the preacher saw the little girl again. "And how are your little Christian kittens doing today?" he asked.

"Oh, they aren't Christian kittens, they're atheist kittens," replied the girl.

"But... I thought you said they were Christian kittens?" responded the preacher, concerned over the sudden change.

"Oh, they were. But now their eyes are open."

My Christmas joke.

One day Santa is walking through the forest when all of a sudden from out of the snow he sees a tiny Angel dragging a huge Christmas tree behind her.

"Ho ho ho, what do we have here? " Asked Santa.

The little Angel looks up and says "Oh. Thank goodness I found you! A family came to the forest and cut down this tree, but then they saw an even bigger tree and took that one instead just leaving this poor tree to die! So I pulled and pulled, dragging this tree through the snow looking for you Santa. I knew that you would tell me what to do with this tree. Tell me Santa, tell me what I should do with this tree! "

And so Santa told the little Angel exactly what she should do with that tree and that is why you still see a little Angel right up on top of the tree every year.

My girlfriend made me drive out more than 33 miles just so she could dump me on live tv.

Then her bf Chris Hansen humiliated me.

What's Chris Brown's favourite drink?

Punch

I don't know why Christians are so hard on unwed teen mothers.

I mean, Jesus turned out alright.

How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

Nun. They'll sit in the dark ages.

Chris Cornell dies and goes to heaven…

St. Peter: It is probably a bit disorienting, but there are a lot of people here you will want to meet.

Chris: Like who?

St. Peter: Well, right over there are Janis, Jimi, Kurt, Prince, and David Bowie for starters.

Chris: Oh no, is that Bono over there with them? I didn't know that Bono was dead.

St. Peter: No, no, that's not Bono, that's god, he just thinks he's Bono.

One day, Rihanna has amnesia and can't remember anything. She's asked, "What do you think of Chris Brown?"

She replies: "Beats me".

What are the funniest chris jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Chris? Well, here are the best Chris puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Chris pick up lines to share with friends.

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