Her: I used to be Christian.
Him: It's all right, I don't really care for those sorts of things.
Her; Thank god! It's so much better now that I'm Christine!
She found another girl's lipstick on his fist.
She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.
Credit to my friend Chris
I'll just get a turkey next year like normal.
She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.
It's the little things that count
The guy was in the store buying a fake Christmas tree. The shop attendant asked him, "Are you going to put that tree up yourself?"
The guy replied, "Don't be disgusting! I'm going to put it in the living room!"
I thought it was a great trade.
Except Chris Brown
And now they are The ......... Peas
I haven't worn it yet.
Well, except Chris Brown.
The Tesla gets fewer battery charges in a year
The punch line
And people already have their decorations up.
...only run non-prophet organizations.
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Because Jesus took away their sin.
they should encourage gay marriage.
She found another women's lipstick on his knuckles.
I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents.
She said to her boyfriend, he replies "that's ok, I don't mind" relieved she says "oh that's great, I'm so much more comfortable being Christine"
...feels like it was just yesterday.
*HA! you thought it was a repost didn't you. Well you're wrong. It's just my stupid alternate version of the joke. I probably found telling the joke more funny than you thought this joke was funny.* :)
They hey cross.
At the gate, St. Peter says, "because your beautiful voice and amazing talent brought happiness to so many people, we'll grant you one wish".
Chris thought about it for a moment and replied, "I'd like the world to be a kinder, better place".
So St. Peter killed Roger Ailes.
What about Hitler? He made 6 million jews toast.
Unsurprisingly, he has beaten Rihanna to it.
She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.
He figures if he can't beat em may as well join em
The man realized the bear was catching up, so the man got down on his knees and yelled "DEAR GOD, PLEASE LET THIS BEAR BECOME A CHRISTIAN SO THAT HE DOESN'T EAT ME" then the bear got down on his knees and said, "Dear God, thank you for this meal."
Because you do all the hard work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,"What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant.
"That's no offense", said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened."
Poor Chris Pratt
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates'
Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said
'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally
pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man
with a raised eyebrow and asked,
'And just what do those symbolize?'
The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'
I sold my guitar to a man with no hands.
So I said to him: "So how are you gonna work that then?"
He shrugged and said: "I'll play it by ear."
All Gratuities payable towards My Uncle Chris.
If they weren't arguing they would have seen it coming.
My Mother replied, "I'm a ventriloquist."
He is stranded there for a few years until a rescue boat finds him. When the rescuers get onto the island, they are amazed to see what the man has built to survive. The man had built three different structures out of bamboo and leaves. They asked the man what the first structure was. The man said, That's my house. They then asked about the second structure. That's where I go to Church. The man replied. Then they asked about the third structure. A scowl came over the mans face as he told the rescuers, That's where I used to go to Church.
Radio stations only have 90 minutes of nonstop hits.
ο»Ώ"Which one?" I replied, "Chris Jr, or the girl one?"
Beats me.
The first mother says, "My son is the worship band leader. When he walks past the congregation, they go:
'Oh worship leader! Oh worship leader!'"
"Wow, that's great!" they exclaim.
Not to be outdone, the second mother adds, "Well, MY son is the pastor. When he walks past the church, they go:
'Oh pastor! Oh pastor!'"
The other two shout, "Oh my, how impressive!"
The third mother is beaming with pride and says, "Well, MY son is 4 feet tall and 800 pounds. When he walks past the church, they go:
'MY GOD!'"
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The Irishman replied, 'These are Carol's'
And So The Christmas Season begins......and I sure hope the jokes get better.
I do all the work and a fat man in a suit gets all the credit.
They all hang together, half of them don't work, and the ones that do aren't that bright.
A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"
The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."
"No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe; she fakes it with Ken."
It was difficult to deal with.
He'll be sponsored by Black & Decker.
She found the other girls lipstick on his knuckles.
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'
"Lord," I asked, "why is there but one set of footprints in the sand?"
"My child," he tenderly replied, "Those are Chris Christie's."
A very Christian woman marries a very Christian man. Following the words of the Bible, "Be fruitful and multiply," they have many children. 16 over the course of 18 years, to be exact.
A few years later, the husband dies suddenly of a heart attack. The lady remarries another man, and they have 17 children over the course of 22 years. The woman's second husband dies of old age.
The woman herself dies a few years later. At her funeral, her sister remarks, "Well, at least they're finally together."
"Who? She and her husbands?" asks the pastor.
"No," says the sister. "Her legs."
He used Apple Maps.
So they finally come across a mosque, and guy1 says "I'm going to tell the imam my name is Mohammed so he'll give me free food and drinks." Guy2 says "its not a good idea, I'm gonna tell him my real name." So they enter the mosque and find the imam, and they say their names. Imam says "nice to meet you guy2, please, help yourself to any food or water we have" then he turns to guy1 (Mohammed) and he says, "and you brother, hows Ramadan coming along?"
Me: "Hello, is this the Police?"
Police: "Yes. What do you want?"
Me: "I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Jones! He is hiding marijuana inside logs of firewood in his woodshed"
Police:"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Police descend upon Billy's house. They search the woodshed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they split open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy and left his property.
Soon after they leave the phone rings at Billy's house:
Me: "Hey, Billy! Did the Police come?"
Billy: "Yeah!"
Me: "Did they chop your firewood?"
Billy: "Yep."
Me: "Merry Christmas, Buddy!"
Wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree. Everytime your child acts up, throw one in the fireplace
I am about to MC a high school Christmas staff talent show and need your best Christmas or holiday jokes. This is happening in two hours.
**What is the best Christmas present in the world?**
A broken drum β you just can't beat it
**What did Adam say to his wife on the day before Christmas?**
It's Christmas, Eve!
**What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?**
Frostbite!
**Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing?**
They always drop their needles!
**Did Rudolph go to school?**
No. He was Elf-taught!
**Who is Santa's favorite singer?**
Elf-is Presley!
**What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar?**
He got 25 days!
**Why does Santa have three gardens?**
So he can 'ho ho ho'!
**What does Miley Cyrus have at Christmas?**
Twerky!
**Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?**
Because he had a low "elf" esteem!
Black and Deck Her
They get their presents from Satan.
David and Michael were going on a safari where they got lost and their car stopped working, they started wondering throughout the desert. With food and water supply almost ending and no reception anywhere they were desperately looking for help. After a very long time in the heat of the desert and almost dying from thirst they finally see a mosque far away. They start discussing among each other. David: I'll pretend my name is Mohammed so they will give me food and water! Michael: I don't care I won't change my name for food! As they go to the mosque, the Muslims rush to their aid. David says he's Mohammed and Michael says he's Michael. So the Muslims get water and food fast for Michael and as David was waiting for his turn the Muslims turn around for him and say... "You know it's Ramadan, right?"!
Maybe he can actually hit somebody.
A Christian was hiking in the wilderness, he stumbles upon a bear. The bear starts chasing him! The Christian is now cornered, he gets on one knee and says "Lord, turn this bear into a Christian" the bear creeps up closer and closer, and then gets on one knee and says "Lord, thank you so much for this meal I'm about to receive"
The next they are telling me how good it felt to let Jesus enter them.
Where would you hide it?
*You better watch out*
*You better not cry*
*You better not pout*
*I'm going in dry*
Hey man, I'd love to hit that.
... it was a good trade
He wanted 2 hit singles
This year I'd prefer a moaner or a squirter.
Because he's a bad wrapper
As we were getting undressed for bed, I noticed a mark on the inside of her leg.
"What's that?" I asked.
"I went to a tattoo parlor today and on the inside of one leg, I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas' and on the inside of the other one, they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'"
Perplexed, I asked, "Why did you do that?"
"Well..." she replied. "Now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years."
An instant hit.
A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean"
Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I'll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky."
Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn't say a word. After a while his girlfriend says: "if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn't have invited you." the young man replies "if you had told me your dad works at a drug store, I wouldn't have come."
A preacher was taking a walk one day and happened upon a young girl who was playing with something in a cardboard box.
When he got closer he could see that the box held a litter of new-born kittens. "What kind of kittens are those?" asked the preacher.
"They're Christian kittens," replied the little girl.
The preacher walked on, pleased to see that the little girl had Jesus foremost in her thoughts.
A few days later the preacher saw the little girl again. "And how are your little Christian kittens doing today?" he asked.
"Oh, they aren't Christian kittens, they're atheist kittens," replied the girl.
"But... I thought you said they were Christian kittens?" responded the preacher, concerned over the sudden change.
"Oh, they were. But now their eyes are open."
One day Santa is walking through the forest when all of a sudden from out of the snow he sees a tiny Angel dragging a huge Christmas tree behind her.
"Ho ho ho, what do we have here? " Asked Santa.
The little Angel looks up and says "Oh. Thank goodness I found you! A family came to the forest and cut down this tree, but then they saw an even bigger tree and took that one instead just leaving this poor tree to die! So I pulled and pulled, dragging this tree through the snow looking for you Santa. I knew that you would tell me what to do with this tree. Tell me Santa, tell me what I should do with this tree! "
And so Santa told the little Angel exactly what she should do with that tree and that is why you still see a little Angel right up on top of the tree every year.
Then her bf Chris Hansen humiliated me.
Punch
I mean, Jesus turned out alright.
Nun. They'll sit in the dark ages.
St. Peter: It is probably a bit disorienting, but there are a lot of people here you will want to meet.
Chris: Like who?
St. Peter: Well, right over there are Janis, Jimi, Kurt, Prince, and David Bowie for starters.
Chris: Oh no, is that Bono over there with them? I didn't know that Bono was dead.
St. Peter: No, no, that's not Bono, that's god, he just thinks he's Bono.
She replies: "Beats me".
Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Chris? Well, here are the best Chris puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Chris pick up lines to share with friends.