chosen Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious chosen puns

The Jews may be the "Chosen People"...

... But the Muslims are the "Randomly Selected".

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Mom, Am I adopted?

Son: Mom, Am I adopted?
Mom: Nuh, you think we would have chosen you?

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Dad, am I adopted?

Son : Dad, am I adopted?


Dad : If we really wanted to adopt, we would have chosen someone better.

E^dit : formatting

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A Blonde calls tech support

She is told that in order to get help, they need her password.
She says that the password is "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why she had chosen such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

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Asked my parents if I was adopted...

They laughed and said "Of course not, why would we have chosen you?"

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Parish priest

A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."....

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk.

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the FIRST ONE to go to him in Confession."

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Moses, Jesus and Mohammed were selecting their followers...

Moses looks at all the women from whom to create his chosen people, picks out all of the smart ones and tells them to follow him. Jesus' turn comes, he looks at the remaining group, picks all of the most beautiful ones and tells them to follow him. Mohammed takes a look at the remaining group, sighs and says "cover yourself up"

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A young bride and groom to be

A young bride and groom to be had just selected their wedding rings. As the young lady admired the plain platinum and diamond band she had chosen for herself, she suddenly looked concerned. "Tell me" she asked the rather elderly salesman "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?" With a fatherly smile, the salesman said "One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to soak it in dishwater three times a day.

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A Native American boy goes up to his father and asks him how they are given their names...

"Father, how are our names chosen?"
"Well, when a baby is born, the father walks out of the tent, and the first thing he sees, he names his new son.
If he sees a bird flying, he names 'flying bird'. A deer jumping? 'Jumping Deer'.
So tell me, young Sheep-a-Shittin', why do you ask?"

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A priest, a monk, and a rabbi...

...all meet up for lunch after service. The priest ask how they divvy up their pay from the collections.

The priest says "I draw a circle, stand in the middle and throw everything up in the air. Whatever lands in the circle god has chosen for me to keep and everything outside goes to charitable work and expenses. "
The monk was fascinated and says "I do the same thing. Only difference is I keep everything that goes outside of the circle and use what's in the circle for the church."
The rabbi is taken back. "You know what?! I do the EXACT same thing. I throw all the money in the air and whatever stays in the air God has chosen to use for the church and whatever hits the ground is mine to keep."

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I've chosen not to vaccinate my kids...

I think it's better to let a professionel doctor handle that.

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An Oldie but a Goodie

One day a young Sioux brave asks his father, the tribal chief, how their names are chosen.

"Well, Son, after the child is born the father goes outside, and the first thing in nature he sees becomes the name, such as Running Deer or Soaring Eagle. Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"

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An Irish man decides to go on Mastermind....

He's called to the chair.

'Your chosen subject?' asks the presenter.

'Easter Rising of 1916, sir,' he replied.

Time starts now ... What was the date of the Easter Rising of 1916?'

'Pass.'

'Who led the Easter Rising of 1916?'

'Pass.'

'How many men were involved in the Easter Rising of 1916?'

'Pass.'

Suddenly an Irish voice boomed from the studio audience:

'That's right, Paddy - tell them nothing!'

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When I was little I prayed to God for ridiculous amounts of money when I'm older

I think I should have chosen my words more carefully

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Travel to Mars

After years of work and billions of dollars, we can send a single astronaut to Mars and back. Jimmy is chosen to go on the mission with zero possibility of communication until he returns 10 years later. With a huge celebration, the shuttle takes off and the wait begins. After 10 years, Jimmy returns. Everyone is ecstatic, scientists, politicians and reporters all ask the same question: "Is there life on Mars?"

"It's a dead, stupid planet" answers Jimmy, shrugging. Everybody is sad, disappointed, accepting defeat.

When he's back at his house, his kid asks again "Dad, is there really no life on Mars?"

"Okay, so all the stores close at 2pm and they don't have whiskey, would you call it a life?"

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A dad says to his son

Dad: I want you to marry a girl I have chosen for you

Son: No I don't want to

Dad: The girl is Bill Gates' daughter

Son: In that case, ok!

The Dad then goes to Bill Gates,

Dad: I want you to marry off your daughter to my son

Bill Gates: Absolutely not

Dad: My son is the CEO of the World Bank

Bill Gates: In that case, ok!

The Dad then goes to the president of the World Bank,

Dad: I want you to appoint my son as the CEO of your bank

President: Absolutely not

Dad: He is the son-in-law of Bill Gates

President: In that case, ok!

This is what you call Business...

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On the technique of a professional politician

Let's talk politics - this dirty trick always works:

I told my son, "You 're going to marry the girl chosen by me."

He said "no!"

I said, "she is the daughter of Bill Gates."

He said: "ok."

I called Bill Gates and told him, "I want your daughter to marry my son."

Bill Gates said "no."

I told Bill Gates, "my son is the CEO of the World Bank."

Bill Gates said, "ok."

I called the president of the World bank and asked him, "Can you make my son the CEO?"

He said "no."

I told him: "My son is the son-in-law of Bill Gates."

He said : "ok."

This is exactly how politics works. After seeing this, I understand why politics has so many downfalls.

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One by one, a class of fifth-graders were called on to make sentences with words chosen by their teacher.

Nick didn't often participate in class, so his teacher was glad when she saw him raise his hand to give it a try.

"Nick," said the teacher, "make a sentence with the words 'defeat,' 'defense,' 'deduct,' and 'detail.'"

Nick thought for a few minutes then smiled. He shouted, "Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail!"

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A lawyer and a politician are at a hospital

A lawyer and a politician are at the hospital when a doctor runs into the room. "One of our patients is dying. He says his religion needs a lawyer and a politician to be with him before he passes."

So the three hurry to the man's room. He's in pain, but as soon as he sees them a smile comes over his face. The lawyer steps forward and asks, "Out of all the people you could have chosen as a last request, why pick us?"

"Because," the man says, " I want to die the way Jesus did. Between a liar and a thief".

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Linkin Park fought among themselves in choosing which ocean to take a cruise on.

The Pacific ocean was favored by Chester. The Atlantic was desired by Mike. The Arctic was appealing to Rob and Brad because it is an ocean they've never been to before. The Antarctic was chosen by Dave and Joe because they've heard tales of great sea creatures to see in that area. With great argument, they decided against them all.
Indian, it didn't even matter.

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What do you call a Mexican knight?

The Chosen Juan.

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A small grocery store had just installed some new juice machines,

And everybody who worked there was excited about who would be chosen to run them. One employee in particular, a grocery bagger, was determined to get the job. He went to the manager and made his case, telling his boss how excited he was about the new juicers, and how badly he wanted to be the one chosen to run them. His boss turned him down.

"But why?" protested the hapless young man.

"Son," replied his boss, "Everybody knows that baggers can't be juicers."

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Irishman steps up on Mastermind, the quiz show. His chosen topic: the Irish Rebellion, 1916.

- **Quizmaster**: 'Your first question: who read the *Proclamation of Independence* from the steps of the GPO?'

- **Contestant**: 'Pass'

- **Quizmaster**: 'OK. Second question: name the Irish rebel leader born in Scotland.'

- **Contestant**: 'Pass'

- **Quizmaster**: 'Question three: which *Countess* was an important leader in the rebellion?'

- **Contestant**: 'Pass'

Suddenly, his friend in the audience shouts:

**'THAT'S IT HUEY, YOU TELL 'EM NOTHIN'!'**

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Why is Ubisoft the worst gaming company in France?

Punchline only included in the season pass! Preorder now and get one of 26 randomly chosen bonus characters! 27th character included in Spanish version only.

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The greatest swordsman in the world.

There was a competition going on in Spain to see who the worlds greatest swordsman was. The final three competitors had been chosen and were brought on stage in front of the anticipating crowd to showcase their talent. The first swordsman stepped forward causing the crowd to hush. One of the judges proceeded to release a small black fly and let it buzz around the stage. With the flick of his wrist and faster than you can blink the fly hit the ground in two pieces. The audience bursts into applause as the swordsman steps back. Next is the second swordsmans turn and he faces the same challenge. The fly is is released and in two swift motions he cuts the fly into four pieces. The audience is even more impressed and gives the man a standing ovation. Finally the third swordsman takes the spotlight and another fly is released onto the stage. The swordsman takes one quick swish at the fly but it continues to fly around the stage. The audience is dumbstruck. Finally someone from the audience speaks up:
"sir... The fly is still alive."
"Ah, si" replies the swordsman "but he will never be a father"

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A guy rescued a genie.

To return the favor, the genie offered him a wish: he could have unlimited money, or unlimited wisdom. The man chose the latter. A few days passed by, his friend came to visit him, finding him crying very fiercely and screaming the sentence: "I should have chosen the money."

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Four great religious truths

Muslims don't recognize Jews as God's chosen people.
Jews don's recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
Protestants don't recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
Baptists don't recognize each other at Hooters.

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Did you hear the story of how Canada was named?

Many years ago, all the elders came together to name their wonderful country. The elders argued for many days, and could not come to an agreement on the name. One brilliant elder came up with a great idea, they would put all the letters of the alphabet into a hat, pull them out, one at a time, and that's what the name of their new country would be.

Of course, the elder who came up with the idea was chosen to pull the letters out of the hat.
C, eh.
N, eh.
D, eh

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I think Jason Momoa looks terrible as Aquaman...

...they should have chosen someone who looks more finnish.

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So God's busy making the world...

and Angel Gabriel passes by.

God says, "Look angel Gabriel! Look! I am making a precious land called Israel. It will be full of oil, it shall be fertile, and it shall be the promised land. I am making a chosen people to inhabit it. They shall be called the Jews!"

Angel Gabriel looks at God and says, "God, don't you think you're giving one group of people, these Jews, too much prosperity?"

God replies, "Oh, don't worry. I'm going to cancel it out with the neighbors that I'll give them."

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What do you call a Mexican Jedi?

The chosen Juan.

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The Catholic Church has chosen its anthem

Concerto for organ in a minor.

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Creativity testing

Three men are chosen to test their creativity; an American, a Frenchman and a Russian.

All are placed in rooms, which are secure and inescapable. They all are handed 3 titanium balls, made to last, unbreakable and solid.

After 2 hours, the researchers start checking up on them; the American managed to balance the three titanium balls on eachother and the Frenchman was found juggling the balls.

When the researchers walked in on the Russian, he was holding only one of the balls.

Researcher: "Where'd you put the other two balls?"
Russian: "I broke one and lost the other."

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Three turtles were going to the airport...

after 10 years they arrived at the airport but the found that they forgot to get their passports.So, they chose one of them to go back to get the passports. The chosen turtle agreed but if only they don't drink from the Soda bottle they have and they agreed.
Year after year passed and the turtle didn't return yet. After nine years on the of the waiting turtles said to the second turtle "I am very thirsty, I will drink the Soda bottle" and opened the bottle when Suddenly the third turtle jumped from behind a tree and yelled " I knew you will drink you liar, that's why I didn't leave"

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Frodo was chosen as the Ringbearer because...

it's hard to break a hobbit

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What are the most funny Chosen jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Chosen? Well, here are the best Chosen dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Chosen pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes