1. You should find a woman that helps you with the cleaning and the chores,
2. You should find a woman that is a good cook,
3. You should find a woman that you can trust and share your feelings with,
4. You should find a woman that enjoys making love to you,
5. Last and the most important thing is that these 4 women should never meet.
"Does he hit you?" she asked.
"No Ma."
"Is he cheating on you?"
"No Ma."
"Did he lose his money?"
"No Ma."
"You live in a beautiful house, you have luxury cars, your clothes are of the finest quality, you have a staff to take care of the domestic chores. What does he do so wrong?"
"It's the anal sex ma. He likes the anal sex."
"And what's so bad about that?"
"It's terrible ma. Always with the anal sex. When we got married, my butthole was the size of a dime. Now it's the size of a quarter. It's just terrible."
"It seems like you are giving up an awful lot just for 15 cents."
One day a little boy woke up and sat down at the table expecting breakfast. However, his mother says, "You don't get any breakfast until you do your chores."
A little pissed off, the boy goes out to do his chores. When he goes to milk the cow, he kicks it. When he goes to get eggs he kicks a chicken, and when he goes to feed the pigs, he kicks a pig.
When the little boy sits down his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "Where is the bacon, eggs and milk?" asks the little boy. His mother replies, "I saw you kick the cow, so you don't get any milk; I saw you kick a chicken so you don't get eggs; and I saw you kick a pig so you don't get any bacon!"
Just as she finishes saying this, the boy's father comes down the stairs and kicks the cat. The little boy looks up at his mother and asks, "Do you want to tell him, or should I?"
She asked if she needed to vacuum the whole apartment.
I said, "no, just do the floor."
A young farm boy comes down to breakfast one morning. His mother asks, "Have you done your chores yet?" "No," replies the boy, "but could I have breakfast first?"
"You know the rules, go outside and clean the chicken coop, milk the cow and feed the pigs."
The boy goes down to the chicken coop and lazily cleans it. When he is finished, he kicks a chicken. Next, we walks to the barn and milks the cow. When he's done, he kicks her too. Then the boy gets the feed and slops the pigs. And again, when he's done, he kicks a pig.
Finally, the boy runs back to his house, very hungry. His mother gives him a plate with nothing on it but an apple. Disappointed, the boy says, "Where's my eggs, my milk and my sausage?"
"Well," says his mother, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get eggs. I saw you kick the cow, so you don't get milk. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any sausage."
Just then, the boy's father walks in and kicks the cat. The boy says to his mother, "Should I tell him now, or do you want to?"
She tells him he won't get breakfast until he does his chores. One of his chores involves feeding all the animals.
While he was feeding the animals he takes out his aggression on some of them.
He kicks a chicken, flogs a cow, and a pinches a pig.
When he finished his chores his mother just gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
When he asks why, his mother tells him that he didn't get any milk because he flogged the cow.
He didn't get any eggs because he kicked the chicken and he didn't get bacon because he harassed the pig.
Right then his father comes in trips over the cat and gives it an unmerciful kick up the hole out the door.
The boy looks at his mother and says, "Would you like to tell him or should I?"
Tomorrow
Three nuns were talking about their chores. The first nun says: "I was putting away father's laundry, when i found some pornographic magazines in his drawer!"
"So what did you do?" The second nun asks.
"I threw them away." The first nun replies.
The second nun scoffs and says she can top that. "When I was making father's bed, I found some condoms underneath his pillow!"
"So what did you do?" The first nun asks.
"I poked holes in all of them!" The second nun exclaims.
The third nun fainted.
Because slavery is illegal.
A shy young couple invent a name for making love "doing the laundry." One night the husband wakes up and asks his wife if she wants to "do the laundry."She complains that she's got a headache so the husband goes back to sleep. In the morning he asks if she'd like to "do the laundry," but his wife complains she's too tired, after having a restless night. That afternoon he asks if she's ready to "do the laundry," but she's too busy with her chores. The same evening his wife snuggles up to him and asks if he still wants to "do the laundry." "No, it's okay," he replies. "It was a small load, so i did it by hand!"
His mother refuses to serve breakfast until after he's done his chores. So he tends to the cow, and then kicks the cow. He tends to the chicken, and kicks the chicken. He tends to the pig, and kicks the pig.
When he goes back to the kitchen, he's handed a bowl of dry cereal and a small plate of toast. "Where's the milk? Where's the eggs? Where's the bacon?"
His mother responds, "I saw you kick the cow. No milk for a week. You kicked the chicken. No eggs for a week. You also kicked the pig. No bacon for a week."
The boy's father comes into the kitchen and then kicks the cat.
The boy looks to the mother and asks, "Should you tell him, or should I?"
The homeowner got into his grubbiest clothes one Saturday morning and set about all the chores he'd been putting off for weeks. He'd cleaned out the garage, pruned the hedges, and was halfway through mowing the lawn when a woman pulls up and yells out her window, Say, what do you get for yard work?
The homeowner thought for a moment, then answered, The lady who lives here lets me sleep with her.
1. You should find a woman that helps you with the cleaning and the chores,
2. You should find a woman that is a good cook,
3. You should find a woman that you can trust and share your feelings with,
4. You should find a woman that enjoys making love to you,
5. Last and the most important thing is that these 4 women should never meet.
They stay friends. Years later the lawyer goes to visit the farmer for the weekend. The lawyer arrives at the farm mid afternoon. There are still many unfinished chores and the farmer hasn't time to be a good host until the chores are done.
The farmer says to his friend "I'll be a couple of hours so why don't you go shooting. Grab one of my shotguns, here's the key to my off road truck, take a few dogs and we'll see you a bit later".
Off goes the lawyer.
Five minutes later the lawyer returns. The farmer is confused. He asks the lawyer if everything is ok.
The lawyer replies. "Everything's great. This is so much fun. Do you have any more dogs"?
When my grandma lost mobility, I would drop by more and more frequently to run errands and do chores for her. Drop off the dry cleaning, rake the front lawn, that kind of stuff. Well, I was cleaning out her attic for her one day and I found this old army uniform and took it down, I said hey grandma, what's the story of this? It turns out, it's my grandad's old army uniform. Yeah, no fooling. My grandad, who'd been dead for years, no shit. Well, I started going through the pockets - I didn't know what else to do with the thing, so I just started going through pockets - and there was this old, yellowed, crumbled, torn piece of paper in there, just barely legible if you looked at it hard enough. My grandma asked me what it was, but I told her it was nothing. It was actually a paper from a shoemaker my grandad would go. My pop told me about it a few times. I didn't know if they were still around, or if they were still in business, but I swung by the address my pop gave me, and they were, and this man (old as Methuselah, I swear) walks up to the register. I didn't tell him about my grandad's uniform or the history of the paper I had in my hand, I just showed it to him and he scratched himself and he grunted and shuffled to the back of the store. He comes back, he looks at me, those ancient eyes, he looks at me, and he says yeah, I got your shoes. They'll be ready next week.
Wife: I suppose I will
Husband: Do you think your next husband will drive my truck when I'm gone
Wife: Well, the truck is an asset to the family and helps get chores done so I think so yes.
Husband: That makes sense... what about my clothes? What will you do with them?
Wife: Well, I'd probably donate them to a church or goodwill I think. Maybe I'll keep a shirt or two for their sentimental value.
Husband: Yeah, of course donating them is probably best... what about my golf clubs? Do you think your next husband will use those?
Wife: Of course not, he's left handed.
Is doing her chores around the convent with one of the senior sisters. They go into town on bicycles to buy food for the evening meal. On the way back, the senior sister turns down a small alleyway. The young nun says,
I don't think I've ever come this way before.
To which the senior nun replies,
Yes, dear. It's the cobblestones.
That's chicken shit too.
This was my Papa's favorite joke to tell. He was serious ALL the time. He was a farmer so this struck true to his daily chores, which I guess made it all the funnier for him. When he told this joke he cracked up telling the punchline every time.
You don't want to do it but your dad gives it to you anyways.
He'd cleaned the garage, pruned the hedge, and was halfway through mowing the lawn when a woman pulled up in the driveway and yelled out her window "Say, what do you get for yard work?" The fellow thought for a minute, then answered "The lady who lives here lets me fuck her".
What can I get you today? Says the cashier.
I'll have one cheeseburger and a kid sized chicken nugget portion please.
The priest asks the man What are you getting the kid sized portion for?
Well, says the man my lazy 7 year old isn't doing his chores and says he won't do anything unless I get him some chicken nuggets. He says he'll do anything after I get him some.
He'll do anything? Asks the priest.
Yeah, I reckon any kid would do whatever you want for a bit of junk food. Says the man jokingly.
The priest thinks long and hard and says to the cashier
I'll have 20 kid sized chicken nugget portions please.
70.
Cooking and 69.
So, one day the Pope wakes to do his normal morning chores. After 15 minutes he notices his erection still wont go down... no matter what he tries...cold water, television.. after an hour of struggling he decides there is nothing for it... So he wanders out onto the balcony for the age old remedy; masturbation.
Feeling refreshed and with a spring in his step he decides to take a walk through town. after a few minutes, a young man taps him on the shoulder and says "I saw what you did earlier, either you buy my camera right now for £15,000 or it will have gone viral by 2pm."
So, the pope wanders back to the Vatican rather upset but clutching his new camera. When he returns to his chambers his servant quizzes him "new camera? how much did that cost you?"
the pop replies "£15,000"
The servant retorts "holy shit... he must of seen you coming!"
I'm such a procrastibator.
I guess you could say I was pre-disposed.
Well I've had the bottle for months and they haven't brought home even one paycheck or done any of the chores
Cooking and 69.
One does their chores while complaining, the other doesn't do them at all.
...the doctor examines him and afterwards takes his wife aside. The doctor confides in the wife that the man has a terrible strain on his body and will die if undergoes any undue stress. "That means," the doctor says, " you can not let him do any chores around the house. You must let him watch what he wants on television. He needs to be kept in a state of relaxation at all times. If he needs something you bring it to him, if he asks for something, he gets it. He should be kept in his favorite chair, with his favorite food and favorite things all around. Sex is right out, except for you giving him oral sex when he wants it. Do you understand what all this means?"
The woman, shaken replies, "Yes, doctor, yes I do." She thanks him and collects her husband.
Once in the car, her husband asks, "So, what did the doctor tell you?"
The wife looks at her husband and says, "Honey, you're going to die."
She's right.
Taken: Out the Garbage
When you have a paper due in 6 hours.
He can do a few chores, and is okay with pets.
How do you turn a dishwasher into a lawnmower?
Send the bitch outside.
Thanks daylight savings!
My girlfriend is an epidimiologist and I'm a stand-up comedian so that means I have a lot of chores I have to go do. Later.
Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Chores? Well, here are the best jokes about Chores to have fun with.