Chores Jokes

5 advices to men for a happy life

1. You should find a woman that helps you with the cleaning and the chores,

2. You should find a woman that is a good cook,

3. You should find a woman that you can trust and share your feelings with,

4. You should find a woman that enjoys making love to you,

5. Last and the most important thing is that these 4 women should never meet.

My daughter was whining about her chores.

She asked if she needed to vacuum the whole apartment.
I said, "no, just do the floor."

What do you call that day when you finally do all the chores and work you've let pile up?

Tomorrow

A boy who lived in a farm woke up and wanted breakfast (NSFW)

His mother said he had to do his chores first.

So went out and feed the pigs but kicked them as he left.

Then he collected the eggs from the chickens but gave them a kick as he left.

After that he milked the cows but made sure to kick them as well.

When he came back in his mother gave him a dry bowl of ceral.

The boy asked "where's the milk for my ceral and my bacon and eggs?"

His mother replied "you kicked the cows so no milk, you kicked the chickens so no eggs and you kicked the pigs so no bacon".

The boy's father then came down and kicked the cat.

The boys said to his mother "do you want to tell him or shall I?"

Three nuns were talking about their chores...

Three nuns were talking about their chores. The first nun says: "I was putting away father's laundry, when i found some pornographic magazines in his drawer!"

"So what did you do?" The second nun asks.

"I threw them away." The first nun replies.

The second nun scoffs and says she can top that. "When I was making father's bed, I found some condoms underneath his pillow!"

"So what did you do?" The first nun asks.

"I poked holes in all of them!" The second nun exclaims.

The third nun fainted.

A wife is shouting at her husband about not helping her with chores

- I'm cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, while you are sitting all day, waiting for me to bring you a beer. What kind of a husband are you?
- A patient one.

Why does it take southerners so long to do their chores?

Because slavery is illegal.

Have you done your chores yet?

A young farm boy comes down to breakfast one morning. His mother asks, "Have you done your chores yet?" "No," replies the boy, "but could I have breakfast first?"
"You know the rules, go outside and clean the chicken coop, milk the cow and feed the pigs."
The boy goes down to the chicken coop and lazily cleans it. When he is finished, he kicks a chicken. Next, we walks to the barn and milks the cow. When he's done, he kicks her too. Then the boy gets the feed and slops the pigs. And again, when he's done, he kicks a pig.

Finally, the boy runs back to his house, very hungry. His mother gives him a plate with nothing on it but an apple. Disappointed, the boy says, "Where's my eggs, my milk and my sausage?"
"Well," says his mother, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get eggs. I saw you kick the cow, so you don't get milk. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any sausage."
Just then, the boy's father walks in and kicks the cat. The boy says to his mother, "Should I tell him now, or do you want to?"

A boy that lives on a farm is awakened by his mother early in the morning on the weekend.

She tells him he won't get breakfast until he does his chores. One of his chores involves feeding all the animals.

While he was feeding the animals he takes out his aggression on some of them.

He kicks a chicken, flogs a cow, and a pinches a pig.

When he finished his chores his mother just gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

When he asks why, his mother tells him that he didn't get any milk because he flogged the cow.
He didn't get any eggs because he kicked the chicken and he didn't get bacon because he harassed the pig.

Right then his father comes in trips over the cat and gives it an unmerciful kick up the hole out the door.

The boy looks at his mother and says, "Would you like to tell him or should I?"

Laundry

A shy young couple invent a name for making love "doing the laundry." One night the husband wakes up and asks his wife if she wants to "do the laundry."She complains that she's got a headache so the husband goes back to sleep. In the morning he asks if she'd like to "do the laundry," but his wife complains she's too tired, after having a restless night. That afternoon he asks if she's ready to "do the laundry," but she's too busy with her chores. The same evening his wife snuggles up to him and asks if he still wants to "do the laundry." "No, it's okay," he replies. "It was a small load, so i did it by hand!"

A boy on a farm goes to the kitchen one morning.

His mother refuses to serve breakfast until after he's done his chores. So he tends to the cow, and then kicks the cow. He tends to the chicken, and kicks the chicken. He tends to the pig, and kicks the pig.
When he goes back to the kitchen, he's handed a bowl of dry cereal and a small plate of toast. "Where's the milk? Where's the eggs? Where's the bacon?"
His mother responds, "I saw you kick the cow. No milk for a week. You kicked the chicken. No eggs for a week. You also kicked the pig. No bacon for a week."
The boy's father comes into the kitchen and then kicks the cat.
The boy looks to the mother and asks, "Should you tell him, or should I?"

How much do you get paid?

The homeowner got into his grubbiest clothes one Saturday morning and set about all the chores he'd been putting off for weeks. He'd cleaned out the garage, pruned the hedges, and was halfway through mowing the lawn when a woman pulls up and yells out her window, Say, what do you get for yard work?

The homeowner thought for a moment, then answered, The lady who lives here lets me sleep with her.

When a man promises to do chores, he will keep the promise.

No need to remind him every six months.

Two men have been friends since school. One is now a lawyer, the other a farmer...

They stay friends. Years later the lawyer goes to visit the farmer for the weekend. The lawyer arrives at the farm mid afternoon. There are still many unfinished chores and the farmer hasn't time to be a good host until the chores are done.

The farmer says to his friend "I'll be a couple of hours so why don't you go shooting. Grab one of my shotguns, here's the key to my off road truck, take a few dogs and we'll see you a bit later".

Off goes the lawyer.

Five minutes later the lawyer returns. The farmer is confused. He asks the lawyer if everything is ok.

The lawyer replies. "Everything's great. This is so much fun. Do you have any more dogs"?

A man dying of cancer asks his wife if she will re-marry...

Wife: I suppose I will

Husband: Do you think your next husband will drive my truck when I'm gone

Wife: Well, the truck is an asset to the family and helps get chores done so I think so yes.

Husband: That makes sense... what about my clothes? What will you do with them?

Wife: Well, I'd probably donate them to a church or goodwill I think. Maybe I'll keep a shirt or two for their sentimental value.

Husband: Yeah, of course donating them is probably best... what about my golf clubs? Do you think your next husband will use those?

Wife: Of course not, he's left handed.

A young Nun

Is doing her chores around the convent with one of the senior sisters. They go into town on bicycles to buy food for the evening meal. On the way back, the senior sister turns down a small alleyway. The young nun says,

I don't think I've ever come this way before.

To which the senior nun replies,

Yes, dear. It's the cobblestones.

A man walks into a fast food restaurant, followed by a priest.

What can I get you today? Says the cashier.

I'll have one cheeseburger and a kid sized chicken nugget portion please.

The priest asks the man What are you getting the kid sized portion for?

Well, says the man my lazy 7 year old isn't doing his chores and says he won't do anything unless I get him some chicken nuggets. He says he'll do anything after I get him some.

He'll do anything? Asks the priest.

Yeah, I reckon any kid would do whatever you want for a bit of junk food. Says the man jokingly.

The priest thinks long and hard and says to the cashier

I'll have 20 kid sized chicken nugget portions please.

To teach my kids about capitalism...

...I made them pay for housing, food, and charged them to use the bathroom.

Then if they wanted to make any money, I had them compete against each other for who could do chores for the least amount of money.

Then when they unionised, I had the neighbour's kid do chores instead and gave them nothing.

No one in a family of four wants to do the dishes...

The husband asks the wife to do it; the wife tells the daughter to do it; the daughter tells the son to do it; the son doesn't want to do it either.

When a friend came to visit, he was very surprised to see the pet dog doing the dishes.
Wow! he exclaimed, I didn't know dogs could do chores!

I don't want to, but the family made me do it.

The friend was even more surprised, I didn't know dogs could talk!

Shhh , said the dog, don't let them know, or they will ask me to answer the phone.

I always play with myself before doing chores or tasks.

I'm such a procrastibator.

My Tums say they go to work in seconds

Well I've had the bottle for months and they haven't brought home even one paycheck or done any of the chores

My wife did 70 chores around the house

Cooking and 69.

Out of all the chores I did as a kid, I always took out the trash before anyone asked...

I guess you could say I was pre-disposed.

My wife loaded me up with chores and errands after i told her I'm working from home, like i don't have any work to do.

She's right.

A man who has been having terrible headaches goes to the doctor with his wife...

...the doctor examines him and afterwards takes his wife aside. The doctor confides in the wife that the man has a terrible strain on his body and will die if undergoes any undue stress. "That means," the doctor says, " you can not let him do any chores around the house. You must let him watch what he wants on television. He needs to be kept in a state of relaxation at all times. If he needs something you bring it to him, if he asks for something, he gets it. He should be kept in his favorite chair, with his favorite food and favorite things all around. Sex is right out, except for you giving him oral sex when he wants it. Do you understand what all this means?"
The woman, shaken replies, "Yes, doctor, yes I do." She thanks him and collects her husband.
Once in the car, her husband asks, "So, what did the doctor tell you?"
The wife looks at her husband and says, "Honey, you're going to die."

My kid broke my brand new iPhone, so I'm giving it away for free.

He can do a few chores, and is okay with pets.

What is the difference between an 8 year old fine wine and a bad wine?

One does their chores while complaining, the other doesn't do them at all.

We have collected gags that can be used as Chores pranks to have fun with. If you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Chores, here are one liners and funny Chores pick up lines.

Joko Jokes