Chop Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

How do you chop a neo nazi's dick off?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

I was chopping up onions and my kids started to cry.

Onions is a stupid name for a dog anyway.

Three mice are at a bar arguing about who's the coolest.

The first one says, "When I see a mouse trap I grab the cheese with one hand and do a little workout with the other."

The second one scoffs and says, "Whenever I come across rat poison I chop it up with a razor and fucking snort it."

Suddenly the third one gets up from the table. The other two look at him and ask, "What's up? Did we leave you speechless?"

"You bore me", he answers, "I'm gonna go home and fuck the cat."

I chopped the clock in half.

It was a split second decision.

Friends are like trees.

If you chop them down with an axe they will die.

How do you defeat your enemies?

Chop off their feet.

A weak little man applied for a job as a lumberjack...

...but the foreman refused to take him because he was too small. "I may look puny," protested the man, "but I'm not. Just give me a chance to show you my strength."

The foreman consented and told the man to go chop down a giant redwood that stood nearby. Half an hour later, to the foreman's shock, the redwood was lying on the ground.

"Where'd you learn to cut down trees like that?" the foreman asked.

"The Sahara Forest," the man answered.

"You mean the Sahara Desert?" the foreman ventured.

"Sure," said that man, "if that's what they call it now."

East meets West

A guy pulls up to a bar and walks in to get a drink. Almost immediately, he is accosted by another guy who has obviously had one-to-many.
The drunk demonstrates a clumsy karate chop and says, "That was karate from China." The new arrival just nods noncommittally and attempts to sit at the bar. Unfortunately, the inebriated fellow seemed to take the nod as a sign to continue his skill. He attempts a roundhouse kick, that nearly causes him to fall over but he catches himself on a table.
After he regains his balance he slurs, "That was Tai Kwan Do from Japan." The now frustrated gentleman nods again and attempts to claim his own beverage; but the drunk, apparently not done demonstrating, stops him with a hand on his shoulder.
Tired of the irritating patron, the man pulls away angrily.
The drunk taking offense says, "Hey now, you don't want to mess with a fella like me."
The man, now angry says, "Let's take this outside."

*3 minutes later*

The man returns without the drunk, sits down, and orders a beer. The barkeeper, having witnessed the affair, asks, "What happened?"

The man took a long drink before replying, "Tell that asshole when he wakes up, that was a crowbar from Sears."


(I am well aware of the inaccuracy of the origins of the Martial Arts. He's drunk, and an idiot.)

3 mice sitting in a bar

3 mice are sitting at the bar talking about how strong and fearless they are.

The first mouse says I take the cheese off the mouse trap and as the bar snaps down I get under it and do about 40 bench presses

The second mouse says you know the rat poison that's lying around, I chop it up and snort it like cocaine and it doesn't affect me

The third mouse gets up and starts to walk out of the bar. Where you going! The other two mice say

I'm tired of you two I'm gonna go fuck the cat

The phone rings at FBI headquarters.

"Hello?"

"Hello, is this FBI?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbour Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood."

"This will be noted."

Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.

The phone rings at Tom's house.

"Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yeah they did."

"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

"Honey,my hands are freezing!"

A young couple go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey,my hands are freezing!"
She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up."

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing ! "
She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing ! "
She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold? "

A group of highly skilled doctors meet at an international medical conference to boast of their greatest achievements

The Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, our medicine is so advanced that we are able to chop off a man's testicles, put them on another man and in only 6 weeks he is up and looking for work!"

The German doctor snorts and says: "That's nothing. In Germany, we can take out a bit of man's brain, put it in another man and in only 4 weeks he is up and looking for work!"

The Russian doctor boasts: "Gentlemen, we can take half a heart from a man, place it in another's chest and in only 2 weeks he is up and looking for work!"

The Australian doctor looks up from his laughing fit and says: "Wow, seems like you all have some catching up to do. We took a man with no heart, no brain and no balls and made him Prime Minister. Now, the whole country is looking for work!"

A suicide bomber enters a mall, trigger in hand, threatening to blow up the building.

I swiftly chop off his hand, disarming him.

LPT: A lot of people cry when they chop onions,

the trick is not to form an emotional bond.

The Cucumber, The Pickle, and The Penis (I Love This Joke)

So there was a cucumber, pickle, and penis talking about how bad their lives were.

The cucumber says, "My life is terrible! When I get big and hard they chop me up and put me in a salad!!"

The pickle says, "That's nothing! When I get big and hard, they stick my in a jar full of vinegar and vacuum seal me!"

The penis says, "My life is the worst! When I get big and hard they put a rubber tarp on my head and stick me in a dark room and bang my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out!!!"

Karate chop

A huge guy walks into a bar, approaches a little guy and karate chops him in the back. When the little guy gets up, the huge guy says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."

A little later, the huge guy walks back over to the little guy and karate chops him in the back. The huge guy says, "That was a karate chop from China."

The little guy leaves the bar, comes back and hits the huge guy on the back. The huge guy lies unconscious on the floor. The little guy tells the bartender, "Tell him that was a crowbar from Sears."

I went Chopin but I forgot my Liszt

So I'll go Bach home

What do you call a pig who knows karate?

Pork chop

These three blondes where going to purchase a Christmas tree but they then decided to go into the forest to chop down a real one.

The first blonde said "I dont care how long it
takes us I want a perfect tree."

The other two blondes agreed saying "We won't
leave untill we find the right one."

Three days later they were still searching.
The first blonde looked at her two tired and
hungry friends and said "I promise the next
tree we come across we'll chop it down and
take it home and i wont care if it's decorated
for Christmas or not."

A group of scientists run an experiment on a frog

They teach it to jump on command by using flies as treats. Now when they say "Jump" the frog jumps.

Then they chop off one leg. They say "Jump" and the frog jumps in a crooked path. So far so good.

Finally, they chop off the other leg. They say "Jump" and the frog does not jump.

It has been concluded that frogs cannot hear without their legs.

A huge guy walks into a bar and approaches a little guy.

The huge guy karate chops the little guy on the back and says "That was a karate chop from Japan."

A little while later the same huge guy chops the little guy on the back again and says "that was a karate chop from China."

The little guy leaves the bar for a little while and when he comes back he whacks the huge guy on the back knocking him to the ground.

"Tell him that was a crowbar from Sears."

A woodchopper from the Middle East is looking for a job...

The foreman said, "I don't know if this is the kind of job you want; here we chop trees." The woodchopper said, "That's precisely the sort of work I do." The foreman replied, "Okay, here's an axe—let's see how long it takes you to chop down this tree here." The woodchopper went over to the tree and felled it with one blow. The foreman, amazed, said, "Okay, try that big one over there." The woodchopper went over to the tree—biff, bam—in two strokes the tree was down. "Fantastic!" cried the foreman. Of course you are hired, but how did you ever learn to chop like that?" "Oh," he replied, "I've had plenty of practice in the Sahara Forest." The foreman thought for a moment. "You mean," he said, "the Sahara Desert." "Oh yes," replied the woodchopper, "it is now!"

The New Lumberjack

A lumberjack new to the job had trouble meeting his quota. He worked as hard as he could, but still he could only chop down two or three trees in a day. His supervisor noticed this, and asked what was wrong. Maybe his chainsaw was broken. The supervisor turned it on, but it was working fine.

The lumberjack looked incredibly startled and asked, "What's that noise?"

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES : THESE REALLY WORK!!

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES : THESE REALLY WORK!!

 

 

 

 

 

                        1. TO AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES, GET SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

 

 

 

                        2 TO AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT-    USE THE SINK.

 

 

 

                        3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. [REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.]

 

 

 

                        4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

 

 

 

                        5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES - YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

 

 

 

                        6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE – OIL AND DUCT TAPE.    IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE OIL.     IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

 

 

 

                        7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

 

 

 

                        DAILY THOUGHT:

 

 

 

                        SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN YOU PUSH THEM DOWN THE STAIRS.

A carpenter, a tailor, a sailor, a priest and an economist were stranded on a desert island.

"I could chop down the trees and make a raft." Says the carpenter.
"I can stitch a few sheets into a mast."
Says the tailor.
"I can navigate the oceans with the help of the stars."
Says the sailor.
"I will pray for favourable winds and good luck."
Says the the priest.
All they needed now was to chop down a tree to make the raft.
"That's easy," says the economist. "Let's assume an axe."

A tiny guy applies for a job as a lumberjack.

Sorry, says the head lumberjack, eyeing the man up and down. You're just too small.

Give me a chance to show you what I can do, the guy pleads. You won't regret it.

O.K., says the boss. See that giant oak over there? Let's see you chop it down.

Half an hour later, the mighty oak is felled, amazing the boss.

Where'd you learn to cut trees like that? he asks.

The Sahara Forest. said the man.

Don't you mean the Sahara Desert?

It wasn't called that when I was there..

Man with a beard a 100 years ago: "Ok, I'll go chop down some trees."

Man with beard today: " I found a great face mask that's gluten and cruelty free."

A pickle, a cucumber and a penis were talking about life.

The cucumber said "When I get big and hard they toss me in a salad". The pickle said "When I get big and hard they chop me up and drown me in vinegar". The penis answered "That's nothing compared to what they do to me! When I get hard they put a plastic bag over me, push me in a damp dark cave and slam me into a wall until I throw up and pass out!"

What's the difference between an onion and a vegetable?

You cry when you chop up an onion. The rest of the family cries when you chop up a vegetable.

Babys In Mothers Woom

Three babies are in their mother's womb. One of them says, "I want to be an artist so everyone knows what it looks like in here." The next one says, "I want to be a swimmer because I get so much practice in here." The last baby says, "I'm going to be a hunter because if that snake comes in here and pokes me again, I'm going to chop that thing in half!

A Lumberjack walks into a Magical Forest..

He finds a mighty tree and begins to chop it down. As soon as he starts chopping, the tree yells out "Stop it! I'm a talking tree!" The lumber jack responds, "And you'll dialogue."

What do you get when you watch a lumberjack chop down a tree?

bored.


ha^ha

How do you shut an Italian up for good?

Chop his hands off

A lumberjack goes into a magical forest to chop down some wood..

He goes up to the first tree he sees, and just as he's about to swing, the tree says, "Wait! Don't kill me! I'm a talking tree!"

"Yes," the lumberjack says, "and you'll dialogue."

A woodsman walks into the woods

He finds a nice tree to chop down, AMD upon taking his axe the tree cries out
"WAIT! IM A MAGICAL TALKING TREE, DONT CUT ME DOWN"
He said "You ma uh be a talking tree but you will dialouge."

Who chops down trees and wears corrective footwear?

Paul Bunion

How do you punish a misbehaving AI?

Chop its bits off.

How do you eat soup with chop sticks?

Slowly.

How do you end beef with someone?

With the assistance of your friend, use a machete to chop the cow into pieces.

What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?

Everyone can chop beef, but no one can pee soup!

How do you chop an ISIS members dick off?

Kick his 9 year old wife in the jaw!

What do Irish woodsmen say when they greet each other in the early hours?

"Chop o' the mornin' to ya!"

What do a chop shop and a desperate actress have in common?

They both strip for parts!

He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.

I thought 'That's a turn\-up for the books.

Crowbar from sears

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and—Whack!—knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, That was a karate chop from Korea.

The little guy thinks Geez, but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden—Whack!—the big dude knocks him down again and says, That was a judo chop from Japan.

So the little guy has had enough of this. He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and—Wham! —knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!

The little guy looks at the bartender and says, When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears.

A redneck is sitting in a bar minding his own business.

When all of a sudden a large Asian man leans over and knocks him clean off his bar stool and on to the floor. He then tells the redneck, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The redneck is mad but he gets up and goes back to drinking. All of a sudden the asian man knocks him over again and says, "That was a judo chop from Korea." The redneck is real mad now so he leaves and comes back an hour later. He goes over to the asian man and knocks him off the stool knocking him out cold. He turns at the bartender and says, "When he wakes up tell him that was a crowbar from K-Mart."

What do you call it when you chop a duck's head off?

Duckapitation

Pork Chop

Most people are confused when I tell them that me and my dad had a falling out over him cutting up my little Pork Chop.

I guess that they don't understand the bond between man and dog.

What do Lumber jacks do in China?

Chop sticks!

I figured out a way to chop onions without crying...

The trick is avoiding getting emotionally attached to the onion.

Two girls are working on the cash registers at the grocery store

You know, I can always tell the single men from the men in relationships.

How can you do that?

Watch. I'll show you on the next customer.

A man approaches the register with his shopping. A single tomato, a single pork chop, a single potato, a single tin of beans and a single small onion.

You're single, aren't you?

How did you know?

Because you're a right ugly cunt.

I chopped down a tree yesterday.

The people watching thought I did such a good job I took a bough.

A buddy of mine called and asked what I was up to, I told him "Chopping wood and milking my cows..."

"...then later I'm gonna chop the cows and milk my wood."

A karate instructor was arrested after leaving the store

He was charged with chop lifting

I was asked if I'd rather have my head chopped off or be burned on a stake.

I answered being burned at the stake, and when asked why, I said Because a hot steak is better than a cold chop .

What is the difference between an onion and a banjo?

No one gets tears in their eyes when you chop up a banjo.

Why did Henry VIII have so many wives ?

He liked to chop and change !

Heard a rumour Cadburys are producing chop suey flavoured chocolate bars.

Probably just Chinese Wispas.

We argued for hours about whether to chop the princes in half across or lengthwise...

...but in the end we were just splitting heirs.

What do you call a rotten lamb chop?

Food gone ba-a-a-a-a-ad.

2 Lumberjacks

2 lumberjacks chop down a tree, but don't know what to do with the wood. One of them suggests they make carpentry, and the other says, "that woodwork."

What happens when you chop a vegan's head off?

There were some Eco warriors protesting...

...outside the local council offices. They all had their "Save The Ancient Woodland" posters and banners. So I decided to go down there and take the piss.

"Chop 'em all down, we need the logs!" I cried.

"Go away, you monster!" one of the hippies shouted.

"Seriously," I laughed, "you know they're going to do it so you're wasting your time. What are they building anyway, a motorway? An airport?"

"A mosque," he replied.

I've been protesting with them for three days now.

How do they chop firewood in Harlem?

With an ask.

Chopping Onions

I walked into the kitchen to see my Dad chopping Onions up. As soon as I saw him, I started crying because Onions is my dog.

What did the manager of a log cutting company tell his employees when they were working too slow?

Chop chop.

Do you know why apple changed touch id with face id?

Because its harder to chop someones head than to chop their fingers.

What are the funniest chop jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Chop? Well, here are the best Chop puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Chop pick up lines to share with friends.

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