chooses Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious chooses puns

An angel appears and says, "I'll grant you whichever of three blessings you choose. Wisdom, beauty, or ten million dollars."

Immediately, the man chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, he is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table.


One of his colleagues whispers, "You have great wisdom. Say something!"


The man says, "I should have taken the money."

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An angel appears to the head of a Philosophy Department...

...and says, "I'll grant you whichever of three blessings you choose. Wisdom, beauty, or ten million dollars."
Immediately, the professor chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, the professor is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table.
One of his colleagues whispers, "You have great wisdom. Say something!"The professor says, "I should have taken the money!"

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A doctor and a programmer both like the same woman

Every day, the doctor brings her a flower, while the programmer brings her an apple.

Eventually, she chooses to go out with the programmer.

Outraged, the doctor asks the programmer why he brought her apples.

The programmer responded An Apple a day keeps the doctor away

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Stupid kid

A barber was doing his business and a kid walked in his shop.
The barber told his customer:
- See that kid, he's the stupidest kid I've ever know. Here I'll prove it to you.
The barber yells at kid to come to him so his customer can watch.
The barber pulls out a 2 euro coin and a 5 euro bill and asks the kid:
- Hey kid, what do u choose?
The kid takes the 2 euro coin and leaves. The barber:
- See, I told u. He chooses 2 euro coin every time.
The customer walks out and sees the kid around the corner eating ice-cream.
He approaches the kid and asks:
- Do u not know the difference between a 2 euro coin and a 5 euro bill. Which one is more valuable?
The kid replies:
- I know the difference, but the moment I choose the 5 euro bill, the game is over.

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Guy goes to a brothel... (NSFW)

He chooses a girl and they retreat to a room. He goes down on her. A moment later, he lifts his head and spits out a mouthful of corn. A bit perturbed, he resumes anyway. A moment later, he bolts up and spits out a mouthful of carrot bits. Now he's pretty freaked out, but still he resumes. Finally, he lifts his head and spits out a mouthful of English peas.
At this point, he's disgusted, and says, "damn, girl. Are you sick or something?"
"No," she says, "but the guy before you was."

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A man walks into the bar toilet, chooses a cabin, sits on the seat. He sees someone else's feet in the next cabin..

..not minding him and trying to evacuate his bowels, suddenly, the man right next to him says "Hi..". Our protagonist, startled by this totally unexpected awkward salutation responds "hi?"... then the man continues "how are you doing?" our man answers "doing fine, how about you?"... the other man says "what are you up to?" ... our protagonist says "well, I came here to drink a beer after work, and you?"... the other man then says, "sorry honey, I have to hang up. this idiot in the other cabin keeps answering my questions."

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An American, a Mexican, and a Canadian are all shipwrecked on a tropical island..

When they are taken captive by the local tribe. The tribal lead tells them "the bad news is, we are going to kill you. We will use your bones for our tools, your muscle for food, and your flesh for our canoes. The good news is, we will let you choose how we kill you.

The American chooses to be hanged. The Mexican chooses beheading. And the Canadian asks to be stabbed 1,000 times with a tiny fork.

As the Canadian lay bleeding out from 1,000 puncture wounds, the leader give him a puzzled look, and the Canadian replies,

"Good luck with your fucking canoes"

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A man drives to a gas station with the sign "Free sex with every full tank".

The man fills up, goes inside and asks the guy inside for his free sex. The attendant says "Tell me a number between 1 and 10", "7", "That was close, it was 8, better luck next time."

Next week he tries again, and he chooses 2 and close but no free sex. Keep on trying is the attendant advice. The man returns to his car and later shares his disappointment with a coworker.

"But don't you realize" says the coworker "that this is a marketing ploy, and you are never going to win at it?" "I'm not stupid." says the man, "And I know it's not just a ploy, because, three times in a row now, my wife has won it".

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grill

Ted and his wife were working in their garden one day when Ted looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big! I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.

"Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!!"

The wife chooses to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, Ted is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-arse grill for one little weenie?"

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My father beat me at dominoes yesterday.

He said, I'm the only one who chooses pizza toppings.

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A Frenchman, and Englishman and an American get stranded on an island with natives...

The natives tell them that they will all die and their skin will be used to cover a canoe. However, they can choose the weapon with which to kill themselves.

The Englishman chooses a pistol. He says "Long live the queen!" and puts a bullet through his head.

The Frenchman chooses a sword. He says "Vive la France!" and slits his wrists.

The American asks for a fork. Confused, but not willing to renege on his promise the tribe leader provides a fork.

Suddenly the American begins stabbing himself. There is blood everywhere, his skin is covered in holes. Just before he dies of loss of blood he looks the tribe leader in the eyes and says "Fuck your canoe."

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3 syllable words

The teacher instructs her third-grade class to give a three-syllable word and use it in a sentence
Several pupils raise their hands, including Dirty Johnny
The teacher passes right over him and chooses Sally.
"Beautiful", says Sally. "My teacher is beautiful."
"Why, thank you" the teacher says. "Anyone else?"
Again, several hands, including Dirty Johnny's, are waving. The teacher chooses Mary.
"Wonderful", says Mary. "My teacher is wonderful."
Again the teacher thanks her student and asks for another answer.
Reluctantly, she chooses Johnny.
"Urinate" says Johnny.
"Johnny" the teacher cries in shock.
"Urinate" says Johnny again, "but if your tits were bigger, you'd be a ten."

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Queen of England

Obama was talking to the queen of England and he asked her how she runs her country so well. The queen replies quite simply that she chooses the best people to run it. Obama considers this for a moment and then asks, "how do you ensure that they are the best people for the job?" The queen answers that she quizzes them, and as an example she calls in Tony Blair. She asks him, "your parents have a child; it's not your brother it's not your sister, who is it?" Tony replies "well of course, it's me". Obama thinks this is smart so he repeats the question to Joe Biden. Biden runs around Washington all day trying to find an answer but no one can figure it out. Finally he comes to the Attorney General and asks him, "your parents have a child; it's not your brother it's not your sister, who is it?" The general replies "of course, it's me". So Biden goes back to Obama and says "it's general so and so", Obama replies, "no you idiot, it's Tony Blair"!

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Indian names.

A little Indian boy becomes curious one day and decides to talk to his father, the chief of their village how his tribe chooses names.

"Father," he said "how do we get out names in this tribe?"

The father looks at his boy and tells him "well, my son, when a baby is born in this village they are given their name based on the last omen seen by our tribe. That is why I am named Roaring Blackbear, and you're mother is named Soaring Eagle."

"Oh well that certainly clears some things up for me, father." The boy said.

The chief looks at his son and asks "why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"

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A penguin is driving his car through Arizona...

His engine begins to shudder and overheat, so he pulls off at the nearest exit. As luck would have it, there is a small auto repair shop close to the exit. He drops his car off for the mechanic to inspect and notices an ice cream shop just across the street.

Mr. Penguin chooses a vanilla cone and due to his lack of suitable appendages, gets ice cream all over his face. Upon finishing his cone, he returns to the mechanic to pick up his car. As he approaches the shop the mechanic approaches him and exclaims, "Looks like you blew a seal!" to which Mr. Penguin replies, "Oh no! It's just ice cream, I swear!"

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Wisdom, Beauty, or Money

At a meeting of the college faculty, an angel suddenly appears and tells the head of the Physics department, I will grant you whichever of three blessings you choose: Wisdom, Beautyβ€”or ten million dollars.

Immediately, the professor chooses Wisdom.

There is a ash of lightning, and the professor appears transformed, but he just sits there, staring down at the table. One of his colleagues whispers, Say something.

The professor says, I should have taken the money.

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A politician dies. Instead of going straight to heaven or hell, a spirit appears to him.

The spirit tells him that, rather than being judged for his sins, he gets to choose whether he goes to heaven or hell.

The politician replies that of course he wants to go to heaven. The spirit tells him that before he chooses, he has to visit both places so each one will get a fair chance.

First they visit heaven. It looks pretty nice. Big fluffy clouds, angels singing and playing harps, everyone seeming to enjoy themselves. The politician is pleased, if a bit underwhelmed.

Hell, on the other hand, is magnificent. It's the most beautiful place the politician has ever seen, and everyone there is having the time of their lives. It has a buffet table filled with delicious-smelling food, a beautiful garden, a pool with a water slide, a dance floor, a massage parlor, and innumerable other attractions. It makes heaven look dull and boring and comparison.

I can't believe I'm saying this, says the politician, but I think I'd rather go to hell!

Very well, says the spirit. Turn around.

When the politician turns around, though, hell appears to be completely different than it had been less than a minute ago. All of the attractions are gone, everything is on fire, and the people are screaming in agony.

I don't understand! cries the politician. This isn't what you showed me before!

Well, that was the campaign, replies the spirit. Now you've voted.

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I hope that Jeb Bush chooses Dick Cheney as a running mate...

That way their campaign could be same Dick different Bush.

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Cannibals are nasty

3 friends are captured by cannibals.

Each one of of them are given a last wish before they are killed.
The first guy asks for a smoking hot blonde. He has his way with her. As soon as his done, his skinned alive and killed. They use the skin to make the covering of a canoe. The other two mates witness this and are horrified. It's the second guys turn and he chooses the finest bottle of whiskey. As he has the last sip, he is also skinned and added to the canoe. The last guy's wish is for a fork. A freakin fork, they ask ?
As soon as they hand him the fork, he starts jabbing himself all over his body and hells : "YOU'RE NOT TURNING ME INTO A FUCKING CANOE"

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A doctor and an engineer both want to date the same girl.

The doctor decides to make a move, so gives her a rose. Meanwhile the engineer chooses to give her an apple daily.

Doctor: "Why you give her an apple everyday?"
Engineer: "Because an apple a day keeps the doctor away!"

I'll see myself out

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BBQ

Mark and his wife were working in their garden one day when Mark looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big! I bet your butt is bigger than the barbeque." With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's booty. "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbeque!" The wife chooses to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, Mark is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

What's wrong?" he asks. She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this Big-Ass grill for one little weenie?"

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Beautiful.

One day a teacher is teaching her class how to use words in a sentence. She chooses the word beautiful for them to use and the must say a sentence using that word twice in it. She calls on little Sally and Sally says "My mother bought a beautiful dress and she look beautiful in it." "Very good" the teacher says. She calls on the next student "My mom saw a beautiful recipe and she made a beautiful dinner" "Very good" the teacher says. She noticies that one of her not so favorite students, Timmy, is raising his hand. She call on him and he says "My sister came home pregnant last night and my father said, "Beautiful. Just fucking beautiful."

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Three soldiers, one English, one French and one German, are captured by the Taliban in Afghanistan.

Three soldiers, one English, one French and one German, are captured by the Taliban in Afghanistan. Their captors take them to a mine field and tell them that if they can escape to the checkpoint on the other side, they are free to go. To do so they offer them each whatever transport they want to cross it.

The Englishman chooses a Rover, solidly built enough to take a blow from a mine perhaps. He hits a mine and explodes. Dead.

The Frenchman chooses a Renault, small and quick so it may be able to get between the mines, he thinks. He hits a mine and explodes. Dead.

The German asks for a large rubber duck, with a spring stuck on each corner. The Taliban suspect him to be mad, but its good sport so they find him a big rubber duck and kit it out as per his instructions.

He bounces his contraption over the mine field. He hits a mine and explodes. But the explosion carries him forward and he bounces to the next one. He crosses the whole minefield unharmed.

The Taliban at the other side are perplexed by this. "How did you ever manage to devise such a solution to crossing minefields?" they ask.

"Oh it is an old German method," he replies, "We call it the Four-Sprung Duck Technique."

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A Kindergarten teacher brings her class varies samples of meat...

She passes the first sample out, the students eat it, and asks, "Does anyone know what that was?"
She chooses a student and he says that it's steak.
"Good!" She passes out the second sample and asks if they know what it was.
A student yells, "It's chicken!" "Good, very good."
She passes out the final sample, they eat it, and she asks them once more what it is.
However, the class is silent. She says, "I'll give you a hint. It's what your mother calls your father when he comes home from work."
A student in the back suddenly yells, "Spit it out! It's an asshole!"

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A woman meets a man at a bar, and they talk, and conversation turns to sex, and she says that she likes kinky sex.[NSFW]

"Oh!, I like kinky sex too", says he. So they decide to go to her flat and have sex. They arrive at her flat and she asks to be excused. She goes to her room and dresses up in black leather, high heels, all the set. She chooses a whip, several accessories, and returns to the living room, where she finds the man at the door, about to leave. "Hey!", she says. "What about the kinky sex?". "Well" he says. "I already fucked your dog and shat in your purse. I'm good." And he leaves.

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3 dwarves. (kinda nsfw)

3 dwarves (very short fellas. Like the size of a thumb) are all looking for a place to live. They go around the world looking and finally decide the best place to settle down is on a womans body. The first one decides that he wants to live between the breasts. The second one chooses the stomach and the third one makes the vagina his home.
So they meet in a few days in a local bar ( god knows where that is) and start talking.
The first one says: "I kinda like it here. I look out of my house and there are these two beautiful mountains on either side. Haven't climbed them yet, but the scenery should be great."
The second one says: "Man, I was looking for a place to live and fell in a god damn hole. Was stuck there for two days. Not a good experience so far."
The third one replies: "Well, if you think you've had it rough, listen to this: I found a nice little place to live in. Warm, cozy. It was all nice until some bald bloke came in. I asked him what he wants and when he didn't answer i kicked his ass. Then a couple of minutes later the same bald bloke came, but with a yellow rubber over his head. Thought i wouldn't recognize him. Pfft. Got his ass whooped again."

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The ladder to success

A man who has just died finds himself standing at the gates of Heaven. To his right he sees an attractive woman, and to his left is a ladder. The woman says, "Come with me through the gate and spend eternity with me, or climb the ladder to success." The man, always eager to get ahead in life, chooses to climb the ladder.

The man finds an even more beautiful woman standing in front of another gate. Next to her is another ladder. The woman says, "Come with me through the gate and all your fantasies will be granted, or climb the ladder to success." This time the man is tempted, but his greed takes over and he climbs the ladder higher.

He again encounters a woman. This woman, however; is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She says, "come with me and I will satisfy your deepest desires forever, or climb the ladder to success." The man can't believe his luck. He decides to take his chances and climbs the ladder. He comes to another gate. This time there is no woman waiting for him, but a fat, balding, sweaty man instead.

"Are you God?" the man asks. "No," the sweaty man replies. "I'm Cess."

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Three men in prison are about to be executed.

There are three men standing in a prison yard, about to be executed for their crimes. They are offered a choice in execution style; beheading via guillotine, death by firing squad or an injection of HIV.

The first man chooses beheading. He's led to the guillotine by the guards, positioned, and executed. Blood sprays everywhere and his head goes rolling across the yard.

Horrified by what he's just seen, the second man chooses to be shot. The guards lead him to a wall, six other guards point their weapons at him, and they open fire. The man dies fairly slowly, choking on his own blood.

The third man is totally calm. He says, somewhat smugly, that he'd like to be given the HIV injection.

The guards summon the doctor, who gives the third man his injection. Back in his own cell later, the third man begins laughing quietly to himself. Confused, his bunkmate asks what's so funny.

"Those idiots," the man replies. "I was wearing a condom the whole time!"

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Three people were sentenced to execution...

Three people were sentenced to execution.

The first guy was told, "Electric chair or guillotine?"

He chooses the electric chair, but it doesn't work.

The second guy was told, "Electric chair or guillotine?"

He chooses the electric chair, and again it doesn't work.

When the third guy came, he was again told "Electric chair or guillotine?"

He picks the guillotine, and everybody screams "ELECTRIC CHAR! ELECTRIC CHAIR!"

He replies "Are you idiots? It doesn't work!"

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Bear Hunt

A hunter goes to a forest. Fires at a bear, misses, bear is nowhere to be seen.
Suddenly the bear taps him on his shoulder and says "you tried to kill me, either i'll kill you or pull down your trousers and let me fuck you". The man chooses life.

Man goes home embarrassed, buys a bigger gun and goes back to hunt the bear. Sees it at a distance, fires, misses, the bear disappears in the thick brush only to pop up behind him a little later. Recognizes the hunter and says" you know the choices".

Hunter after being fucked again brings a bazooka to get over his humiliation. Finds the bear, fires and falls back due to recoil. The smoke clears and the bear is standing over him, rubbing it's chin

"You don't come here for hunting, do you?"

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My parents have been saving embarrassing videos and stories of me for my entire life, hoping to one day show the person that chooses to marry me.

Jokes on them.

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, and a Paddy go to Saudi Arabia

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and a Paddy go to Saudi Arabia. They decide to start drinking and somehow get caught. the go to see the Sultan for their punishment. The Sultan says "You're lucky today. I'm feeling nice today and I will only give you 50 lashes and you can choose to put anything on your back."
The Englishman chooses a pillow and the pillow takes 6 lashes and he gets the rest on the back.
The Scotsman goes next. he chooses a barrel top. The barrel top takes 25 and he takes the rest to the back.
The Paddy goes last and being an honest man, says "You know, Sultan, the drinking was my idea."
the sultan is surprised by his honesty but says "I appreciate your honesty but since you started it, you shall get 250 lashes"
the Irishman had the Englishman strapped to his back.

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A daughter is riding in a car with her elderly mother...

Her mother runs through a red light, and the daughter is concerned her mom may be too old to drive but chooses not to say anything. A few minutes go by, and her mother runs through a second red light. The daughter becomes increasingly worried. As tactfully as possible she asks, "Mom, do you realize you've driven through two red lights just now?" The mother replied, "Oh! Am I driving?"

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The sign of a true gentleman...

...is one who knows how to play the bagpipes, but chooses not to.

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So the army is forced to cut the pensions of some of their veterans...

In order to repay the veterans for their service they bring in three veterans. They tell the three that they will be reimbursed in money, in that each one can choose two points of their body, and the distance between the two will be how much money they receive.
Anyway, the first man goes and says, "I'll have my outstretched wingspan measured."
His wingspan is 160cm, so he is given $160.
The second man chooses the top of his head and his feet.
His height is 175cm, so he is given $175.
The third man steps up and says, "I'll have the distance from my right palm to my right index finger."
The military people first are confused, but then the man taking the measurements looks at his hand.
"Where's your right index finger, soldier?"
The veteran smiles and says, "Back where I lost it, in Vietnam."

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What are the most funny Chooses jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Chooses? Well, here are the best Chooses dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Chooses pick up lines to share with friends.

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