Loads of Fun with Charming Humor Choose Jokes
s**... kid
A barber was doing his business and a kid walked in his shop.
The barber told his customer:
- See that kid, he's the stupidest kid I've ever know. Here I'll prove it to you.
The barber yells at kid to come to him so his customer can watch.
The barber pulls out a 2 euro coin and a 5 euro bill and asks the kid:
- Hey kid, what do u choose?
The kid takes the 2 euro coin and leaves. The barber:
- See, I told u. He chooses 2 euro coin every time.
The customer walks out and sees the kid around the corner eating ice-cream.
He approaches the kid and asks:
- Do u not know the difference between a 2 euro coin and a 5 euro bill. Which one is more valuable?
The kid replies:
- I know the difference, but the moment I choose the 5 euro bill, the game is over.
Why did Elon Musk choose SpaceX to land on mars?
Because if he chose SpaceY he'd land on 14 year old boys.
Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"
"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."
I told my son, You will marry the girl I choose.
He said, NO!
I told him, She is Bill Gates' daughter.
He said, OK.
I called Bill Gates and said, I want your daughter to marry my son.
Bill Gates said, NO.
I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.
Bill Gates said, OK.
I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.
He said, NO.
I told him, My son is Bill Gates' son-in-law.
He said, OK.
This is how politics works.
My girlfriend asked me if I could have a t**..., which of her friends I would choose.
Apparently, I was only supposed to name one, not two.
I asked my mom if by any chance i was adopted ?
She said - why would we choose you..
If your mother-in-law and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose...
would you go to lunch or a movie?
If you had to choose between a billion dollars or world peace...
how many bedrooms would your mansion have?
African Roulette
Four men are captured by a tribe in the middle of Africa.
The tribe leader gives them the choice of either death, or they can try their luck at "African Roulette."
The men, as one of the choices seemingly had a chance to stay alive, hastily all chose the second option.
The tribe leader lined up 6 extremely gorgeous women in front of the men, and said "You must choose one of these beautiful women to preform o**... s**... on you."
The men saw nothing wrong with this and were ecstatic at their luck, yet confused about the "roulette" part.
As they chose their women and were getting ready, the tribe leader spoke up and said, "One of them is a cannibal."
If I had to choose between a rope or the inclined set of steps....
I would opt for the latter.
If you had to choose between world peace and Bill Gates' fortune...
What color would your Lamborghini be?
You can explore choose represent reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean choose opt dad jokes. There are also choose puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Dog or Wife?
Your Wife is shouting at you to open the front door, and your dog is barking at the back door. Which one do you let in?
Well you can choose, but if you let the dog in at least they will stop barking.
What did h**... choose on the test?
Not C.
What did JFK say before going to visit Marilyn Monroe?
I choose to go to Marilyn's hotel room this night and do the naughty things, not because she is easy, but because I am hard.
I completely understand parents who choose not to vaccinate their children...
...because they all got vaccinated as children, and obviously turned out r**....
Why did the inventor of t**... lozenges choose to be cremated?
So there wouldn't be any coffin.
My wife of 57 years said let's go upstairs and make love.
I told her choose one, I can't do both.
If you had to choose between your local WNBA team winning the finals and receiving $5.....
What would you spend your $5 on?
My 6 year old daughter told me this morning that she wanted to grow up and be a feminist..
I told her she could only choose one.
Riding a horse can be difficult. You could always choose to ride a mule instead...
but that would be half-assed.
My girlfriend threatened to break up with me
She said, "You act so childish whenever I'm around. Now, it's either 'your mom' jokes or me."
I said, "And I, like so many men before me, will eagerly choose your mom."
Three men are captured by canibals
The canibals say that they will be killed and their skin will be made into a canoe, and that they can choose how they die.
The first one jumps off a rock, the second one cuts his t**....
The third one takes a fork, starts stabing himself and yelling 'NO CANOE FOR YOU!"
My wife said she would leave me if I didn't stop making PokΓ©mon references...
'You need to make a choice' she said 'It's either me or the s**... pokΓ©mon references!'
'I understand', I replied, holding back tears. 'Sandra, I choose you!!!'
They say choose a major you love and you'll never work a day in your life...
because that field probably isn't hiring.
An angel appears and says, "I'll grant you whichever of three blessings you choose. Wisdom, beauty, or ten million dollars."
Immediately, the man chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, he is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table.
One of his colleagues whispers, "You have great wisdom. Say something!"
The man says, "I should have taken the money."
Sometimes you have to choose between what is hard and what is easy
Luckily for you I'm both right now
What is my girlfriend's favorite meal?
A dish called: "I don't know, you choose."
I'm so sick of people looking at me funny because I choose to breast feed.
If I wanna get my milk straight from the cow, then that's up to me.
If you could choose between having a light saber or saving a child.....
Which color light saber would you choose?
How Politics Really Works
I told my son, "You will marry the girl I choose."
He said, "No."
I told him, "She is Bill Gates daughter."
He said, "Yes."
I called Bill Gates and said, "I want your daughter to marry my son."
Bill Gates said, "No."
I told Bill Gates, "My son is the C.E.O. of World Bank."
Bill Gates said, "Okay."
I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the C.E.O.
He said, "No."
I told him, "My son is Bill Gates son-in-law."
He said, "Okay.
This is exactly how politics works.
An angel appears to the head of a Philosophy Department...
...and says, "I'll grant you whichever of three blessings you choose. Wisdom, beauty, or ten million dollars."
Immediately, the professor chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, the professor is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table.
One of his colleagues whispers, "You have great wisdom. Say something!"The professor says, "I should have taken the money!"
I beat my wife at dominoes last night...
She really needs to remember that **I** choose the toppings.
My girlfriend asked me if I could have a t**..., which of her friends I would choose...
I SHOULD NEVER HAVE NAMED 2 FRIENDS!
I didn't choose the 4.0 GPA life....
Unfortunately it didn't choose me either :|
My girlfriend gave me an ultimatum today
She told me to choose between her and my obsession with pointing out doors to anyone in the room.
I responded, "Well, there's the door."
Wife says to her husband: "Choose, either me or the soccer game!"
He responds: "Give me 90 minutes to think."
If I were stranded on a deserted island with 3 things of my choice...
I would have to choose Michael Phelps, a saddle, and a stick with a gold medal tied to it.
If you're genuinely asking me to choose between my career as a reporter and our relationship
Well then I've got some news for you
John was unable to choose between two girls...
So he asked his friend Gary for help deciding which girl to be with.
John: I'm devoted to Kate but Edith is my dream girl, she's all I've ever wanted.
Gary: Then you should be with Edith.
John: But I love Kate and could never leave her...
Gary: Then you should stay with Kate.
John: But I also want to be with Edith, I can't miss this opportunity!
Gary: You can't have your Kate and Edith too.
If I had to choose between DNA and RNA..
I would take RNA because it has U in it
When I go grocery shopping, I choose the checkstand with the sexiest checker
Self-checkout every time
"You will marry the woman I choose," said my dad.
I said, "But look how unhappy it made you."
Always love a women for her personality
They have like 10, so you can choose.
If I could have dinner with one person, alive or dead, I think I would probably choose...
alive.
If you could have dinner with any historical figure, who would you choose?
"Gandhi."
Why him?
"More food for me."
On a first date last night my date asked, 'So, what do you do?'
Frowning, I held up the menu and said 'you just choose something from this book of food'
It should always be pronounced "Gif"
Unless you're a choosy mom. Choosy moms choose "Jif".
If a genie appeared and said I could choose a woman, dead or alive, to magically appear so I can have s**... with her...
I'd probably choose alive this time.
My girlfriend said choose her or w**...
Too high to edit the title but it should say ex girlfriend
Dad, why did you and mom choose this name?
"You see Blue, its the anagram of something your mom loves as much as you"
And why is my sister called Lana ?
"For the same reason."
There was a guy who was terrible at naming thing ...
His dog was named dog, his cat was named cat and so on. One day, the man's sister was having twins and in a long family tradition, the babies uncle had to chose the names. Absolutely mortified, the twin girl and boy were born and it was time;
What did you choose for the girl?
Denise
Oh man, that's not so bad. What did you choose for the boy?
Denephew
I think of my co-workers as a second family
Because I didn't get to choose any and I hate them
If we played cowboys and Indians I wouldn't choose to be on losing team
that would be Sioux side.
A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal
He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.
Ask Reddit be like "If you could have s**... with any celebrity, dead or alive, who would it be?"
I'd choose alive. w**....
I am married to a Korean wife and she told me I get to name our son's English name
We live in Korea and gave our son my wife's last name λͺ¨ (pronounced 'mo').
I got to choose his English name so I said we should call him Lester.
So when I go around and introduce my child I could say
"This is our child λͺ¨ Lester"
A couple of Italian guys are discussing who, if they could choose any woman in the world, they'd rather bang
One of them says some big name actress, the other says "Virginia Pippilini."
The first guy's like, "Who's that? Is she a model?"
"I don't know"
"Actress?"
"I don't know."
"Singer?"
"I don't know."
"Well if you don't know, why choose her?"
The guy pulls out a newspaper and points to the headline. "Virginia Pipeline blows 50 men dead."
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children,
it's their responsibility to choose whatever medical school they'll graduate from.
My wife's mad at me because last night she asked me if I could have a t**... which of her friends would I choose.
I guess I probably shouldn't have chosen 2 of them.
A Man Goes To His Doctor
Doctor: Pick a star sign. Any star sign
Man: Alright, i choose Capricorn
Doctor: Nah you got Cancer
Men get paid more than women because they choose high paying careers like doctor, engineer, and CEO
Women pick low paying careers like woman doctor, woman engineer, or woman CEO
A husky, a pitbull, and a chihuahua are all fighting over a poodle.
Poodle says: "I'll only choose the mate who can use the words 'Liver' and 'Cheese' in one sentence..."
Husky: "Well that's easy, I love liver and I love cheese!"
Poodle: "That's not gonna work"
Pitbull: "I hate liver and I hate cheese!"
Poodle: "...No"
Chihuahua: "LIVER ALONE, CHEESE MINE!"
What did the convicted cannibal choose for his last meal?
Five guys
The Military recently announced the adoption of gender-neutral pronouns for all members.
Members will be allowed to choose from three options:
* Cannon-fodder
* Expendable
* Dead
My p**... smoking college roommate decided to choose Theology as his major.
He's now a high priest.
A woman was forced to choose between two suitors to wed.
The first man was about 4 foot 5 tall and ran a very successful store that sold many fruits and vegetables.
The other man was disgusting. He was covered head to toe in boils and bedsores and smelled awful. He had not ever even seen a bath. He was pretty much the most foul human you could imagine.
Yet the woman wed the second man.
Because no matter how g**... you pictured him to be...
The first man was just a little grocer.
Most people choose to raise their own kids...
but I'm proud to say my kids were adopted. And honestly I don't miss them.
If you could get rid of any race, which would you choose?
I'd pick the 400 meters, it's too long for a sprint and it's too short to be a true endurance race.
It's true women do make less money than men.
But it's their fault because they choose the lower paying jobs. Men, for example, choose the higher paying jobs like doctor or lawyer. Where women choose the lower paying jobs like women doctor and women lawyer.
My husband told me I could choose the name he'd paint on the back of his new boat with the condition it be nautical themed. So I named it...
For Sail.
why did arwen and aragorn choose frodo to be the ring bearer ?
Force of hobbit
On the internet you can be whoever you want,
it's strange so many people choose to be s**....
I had to choose an 8 character password...
So I chose Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.
11 People on a rope
11 people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter.
10 men and 1 woman
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave.
Because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said the she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping...
How to help your local politician qualify for a mental asylum
A politician is visiting the local mental asylum, and asks "How do you decide whether someone should be admitted here?"
"Well," says the director, "We fill up a bath with water, then give the patient a teaspoon, a mug, and a bucket, and ask them to empty the bath as quickly as possible."
"I see," says the politician, "and if he's got any sense he'll choose the bucket."
"No," says the director, "If he's got any sense he'll pull the plug out. Would you like a room with a view?"
A large movie studio is making a movie about famous musical composers played by very muscular actors. They had all of the actors choose who they wanted to be.
Dwayne Johnson chose Mozart.
Lou Ferrigno wanted Beethoven.
When asked who he wanted to play, Arnold Schwarzenegger said, I'll be Bach.
A Christian, a Muslim, and a Jew are sentenced to death. The warden lets them choose the method.
The Christian says "a firing squad would be painless. I choose that." In comes a firing squad and *bang* they kill him.
The Muslim says "yes, that does seem to be quick. I also choose the firing squad." *Bang*. He, too, is killed.
The warden says to the Jew, "and how do you want to die?"
And he responds "old age".
If you could possess any super power, which one would you choose?
Cold war Russia is not a valid choice.
Everyone in the US is choosing sides right now
I choose inside.
19:45 We can't continue this way. You have to choose. Football or me?
22:00 Of course I choose you, honey!
