Choose Jokes

What are some Choose jokes?

Why did Elon Musk choose SpaceX to land on mars?

Because if he chose SpaceY he'd land on 14 year old boys.

Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"

"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

I told my son, You will marry the girl I choose.


He said, NO!

I told him, She is Bill Gates' daughter.

He said, OK.

I called Bill Gates and said, I want your daughter to marry my son.

Bill Gates said, NO.

I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.

Bill Gates said, OK.

I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.

He said, NO.

I told him, My son is Bill Gates' son-in-law.

He said, OK.

This is how politics works.

My girlfriend asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose.

Apparently, I was only supposed to name one, not two.

I asked my mom if by any chance i was adopted ?

She said - why would we choose you..

My girlfriend asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose...

I SHOULD NEVER HAVE NAMED 2 FRIENDS!

If you could have dinner with any historical figure, who would you choose?

"Gandhi."

Why him?

"More food for me."

A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal

He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.

John was unable to choose between two girls...

So he asked his friend Gary for help deciding which girl to be with.

John: I'm devoted to Kate but Edith is my dream girl, she's all I've ever wanted.

Gary: Then you should be with Edith.

John: But I love Kate and could never leave her...

Gary: Then you should stay with Kate.

John: But I also want to be with Edith, I can't miss this opportunity!

Gary: You can't have your Kate and Edith too.

On a first date last night my date asked, 'So, what do you do?'

Frowning, I held up the menu and said 'you just choose something from this book of food'

An angel appears and says, "I'll grant you whichever of three blessings you choose. Wisdom, beauty, or ten million dollars."

Immediately, the man chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, he is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table.


One of his colleagues whispers, "You have great wisdom. Say something!"


The man says, "I should have taken the money."

My wife said she would leave me if I didn't stop making PokΓ©mon references...

'You need to make a choice' she said 'It's either me or the stupid pokΓ©mon references!'

'I understand', I replied, holding back tears. 'Sandra, I choose you!!!'

If your mother-in-law and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose...

would you go to lunch or a movie?

My girlfriend threatened to break up with me

She said, "You act so childish whenever I'm around. Now, it's either 'your mom' jokes or me."

I said, "And I, like so many men before me, will eagerly choose your mom."

If you had to choose between a billion dollars or world peace...

how many bedrooms would your mansion have?

Always love a women for her personality

They have like 10, so you can choose.

If you're genuinely asking me to choose between my career as a reporter and our relationship

Well then I've got some news for you

I beat my wife at dominoes last night...

She really needs to remember that **I** choose the toppings.

My wife of 57 years said let's go upstairs and make love.

I told her choose one, I can't do both.

An angel appears to the head of a Philosophy Department...

...and says, "I'll grant you whichever of three blessings you choose. Wisdom, beauty, or ten million dollars."
Immediately, the professor chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, the professor is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table.
One of his colleagues whispers, "You have great wisdom. Say something!"The professor says, "I should have taken the money!"

Dad, why did you and mom choose this name?

"You see Blue, its the anagram of something your mom loves as much as you"
And why is my sister called Lana ?
"For the same reason."

I completely understand parents who choose not to vaccinate their children...

...because they all got vaccinated as children, and obviously turned out retarded.

If you had to choose between world peace and Bill Gates' fortune...

What color would your Lamborghini be?

When I go grocery shopping, I choose the checkstand with the sexiest checker

Self-checkout every time

If you could choose between having a light saber or saving a child.....

Which color light saber would you choose?

Wife says to her husband: "Choose, either me or the soccer game!"

He responds: "Give me 90 minutes to think."

My 6 year old daughter told me this morning that she wanted to grow up and be a feminist..

I told her she could only choose one.

If I had to choose between a rope or the inclined set of steps....

I would opt for the latter.

Sometimes you have to choose between what is hard and what is easy

Luckily for you I'm both right now

My girlfriend said choose her or weed

Too high to edit the title but it should say ex girlfriend

What did JFK say before going to visit Marilyn Monroe?

I choose to go to Marilyn's hotel room this night and do the naughty things, not because she is easy, but because I am hard.

I didn't choose the 4.0 GPA life....

Unfortunately it didn't choose me either :|

Three men are captured by canibals

The canibals say that they will be killed and their skin will be made into a canoe, and that they can choose how they die.

The first one jumps off a rock, the second one cuts his throat.
The third one takes a fork, starts stabing himself and yelling 'NO CANOE FOR YOU!"

What did Hitler choose on the test?

Not C.

How Politics Really Works

I told my son, "You will marry the girl I choose."

He said, "No."

I told him, "She is Bill Gates daughter."


He said, "Yes."


I called Bill Gates and said, "I want your daughter to marry my son."

Bill Gates said, "No."

I told Bill Gates, "My son is the C.E.O. of World Bank."

Bill Gates said, "Okay."

I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the C.E.O.

He said, "No."

I told him, "My son is Bill Gates son-in-law."

He said, "Okay.

This is exactly how politics works.

Stupid kid

A barber was doing his business and a kid walked in his shop.
The barber told his customer:
- See that kid, he's the stupidest kid I've ever know. Here I'll prove it to you.
The barber yells at kid to come to him so his customer can watch.
The barber pulls out a 2 euro coin and a 5 euro bill and asks the kid:
- Hey kid, what do u choose?
The kid takes the 2 euro coin and leaves. The barber:
- See, I told u. He chooses 2 euro coin every time.
The customer walks out and sees the kid around the corner eating ice-cream.
He approaches the kid and asks:
- Do u not know the difference between a 2 euro coin and a 5 euro bill. Which one is more valuable?
The kid replies:
- I know the difference, but the moment I choose the 5 euro bill, the game is over.

African Roulette

Four men are captured by a tribe in the middle of Africa.

The tribe leader gives them the choice of either death, or they can try their luck at "African Roulette."

The men, as one of the choices seemingly had a chance to stay alive, hastily all chose the second option.

The tribe leader lined up 6 extremely gorgeous women in front of the men, and said "You must choose one of these beautiful women to preform oral sex on you."

The men saw nothing wrong with this and were ecstatic at their luck, yet confused about the "roulette" part.

As they chose their women and were getting ready, the tribe leader spoke up and said, "One of them is a cannibal."

What is my girlfriend's favorite meal?

A dish called: "I don't know, you choose."

Albert Einstein, Issac Newton and Pascal are playing hide and seek...

They play rock-paper-scissors to choose the seeker. A. Einstein is left so he has to be te seeker. He starts counting down from 10.

Pascal hides in a bush bearby, but Newton remains in plain sight. He draws a square with an area of 1m^2 and stays in it.

Einstein's countdown ends. 3.... 2.... 1....

He turns around and sees Isaac Newton in plain sight. He tells him:

"Ha, found you, Newton!"

I. Newton responds while nodding:

"You didn't find me, because 1N/1m^2 =1 Pascal. So it's Pascal who you found!"

A German, American and a Mexican gey captured by a tribe

An American, Mexican and German get captured by a tribe.

The Tribemaster says to the German: "Choose what we shall put on your back before we start whipping you."

The German has decided: "Pour fresh beer all over me!"

So thats what they did, and whipped the German untill he died.
Next they walk to the Mexican and ask the same question.

"I dont need anything." he says, proudly.
They keep whipping his back, but he endured everything.

And thats when they ask the same question to the American.

"What do you want on your back?"

The American responds "The Mexican."

My girlfriend gave me an ultimatum today

She told me to choose between her and my obsession with pointing out doors to anyone in the room.

I responded, "Well, there's the door."

Two gentlemen meet for a duel...

The first gentleman, who challenged the other after being humiliated, is a man of honor. "I am the one who has challenged you. As such, I shall allow you to choose our weapons." He opens a case with two swords and two guns. "Would you like to duel with swords, or guns?"

The second gentleman is trained with a sword, and knows that his opponent is skilled with a firearm. As such, he chooses to give himself the advantage. "I choose to duel with swords!"

The challenger nods at this choice. "Very well then." He hands both swords to his opponent. "Here are your swords. That just leaves me with the guns."

It should always be pronounced "Gif"

Unless you're a choosy mom. Choosy moms choose "Jif".

Riding a horse can be difficult. You could always choose to ride a mule instead...

but that would be half-assed.

Two men fell madly in love with the same woman

They went to the woman and demanded she choose between them.

The woman told the two men that they were young and inexperienced, they should both go all the way around the world at least once before she could decide.

The first man immediately went home, began packing, and booked a the first flight out of the country.

The second man went home, but returned to the woman the next day and walked a circle around her. He looked into her eyes and told her that she was the whole world to him.

Who do you think she chose?

​Answer: >!The rich one!<

"You will marry the woman I choose," said my dad.

I said, "But look how unhappy it made you."

There was a guy who was terrible at naming thing ...

His dog was named dog, his cat was named cat and so on. One day, the man's sister was having twins and in a long family tradition, the babies uncle had to chose the names. Absolutely mortified, the twin girl and boy were born and it was time;

What did you choose for the girl?

Denise

Oh man, that's not so bad. What did you choose for the boy?

Denephew

Guy rubs genie bottle and he gives him 3 wishes but...

The genie tells him there's a catch:
"anything you wish for, your mother-in-law with get double the amount and more!"

Guy is fine with that.

Guy:"I wish I was the richest man in the world!"

Poof, mother in law becomes richest woman in the world.

Guy: "Ok, I want to be the smartest man in the world"

Poof.

Genie: "Now choose carefully. Your mother in law is probably the happiest woman in the world right now."

Guy: "I want a near death experience."

Why did the inventor of throat lozenges choose to be cremated?

So there wouldn't be any coffin.

Three England fans on their way to the world cup fin a magic lamp..

Three England fans on their way to the world cup find a magic lamp on the road, the first one picks it up and a genie comes out!

"England fans?!" says the genie, puzzled at how they made it to the world cup.. "Well I guess you get one wish each like everyone else. What do you choose?"

The first England fan blurts out, "Rooney! I want Wayne Rooney to break his World Cup curse and finally score!"

"Done" says the genie.

The second England fan thinks for a second and says, "our captain, Stevie G, he usually under performs, I want to see him play for England like he did for Liverpool this season."

"Done" says the genie.

The third fan says, "Guys, you aren't thinking big enough! We have got a real chance here - I want England to play like Spain!!!"

"Done" says the genie, and vanishes.

A dystopian future

Mr. and Mrs. Thyme are two people living in a dystopian future where babies are assigned a random combination of letters and numbers for a name, such as DL-6 or UR-1. However, due to a large amount of protesters, the law has been changed so that parents can choose their own name if they run to the city hall to change the name in 30 minutes after the baby is born.

Mrs. Thyme was pregnant, and her water had broken that morning. However Mr. Thyme had to work for the day, and he had an important meeting that he couldn't miss. He arrived at the hospital 15 minutes after the birth, and Mrs. Thyme said "Hello, dear! Isn't our baby precious?" Mr. Thyme nodded in approval. He suddenly remembered the law, and exclaimed "I have to go to the city hall!" and ran off.

20 minutes later, Mr. Thyme came back. "Did you name our son?" Mrs. Thyme asked. "Yes," Mr. Thyme responded, "Justin Thyme."

Pleasing Women

Three women go on vacation to an extravagant resort.
Upon arrival, the manager tells them, "we actually just opened a new building for single women, such as yourself! It has four stories, and you get to choose one of which you will stay in. Each floor has different types of men, and there will be signs at the entrance to each story, telling you what types you will find."

Figuring that it would be a fun adventure, they agree to these terms.

The women get to the first floor of the building. The sign reads "The Men on This Floor are Short, Pale, and Ugly".

Not seeing a reason why they would want to stay there, they proceed to the next floor, where they see a sign that reads "All Men on This Floor Are Average In Every Sense".

They begin to see a trend, and proceed to the next floor, wondering if their luck will improve.

The sign on the third floor reads "All Men on This Floor Are Tall, Dark, and Stunningly Handsome".

The women begin to get excited. They realize that this would be a wonderful floor to stay on, but curiosity gets the best of them, so they press on to the fourth and final floor.

Upon arrival to the last floor, they find a sign that reads
"There are no men on this floor. This floor was built with the sole purpose of proving that there is no way to please a woman."

A Frenchman, an American, and a blond get captured by a group of terrorists

The terrorists explain that they will be generous and allow the prisoners to choose their own method of execution.

The Frenchman is up first. He says "I am French and wish to stick with my heritage! I choose the guillotine!" They set up a guillotine and SLAM goes the blade. His head falls in to the basket and they carry off his body.

The American is up next. He says " I want to stick to my American traditions, I choose the electric chair." They rig up an electric chair and SLAM goes the switch. The chair shorted and caused a blackout in the facility, sparing the American.

"You are lucky, American. You have been spared by our God and may go free." So they let the American walk.

The blonde is up last. "Well," says the blonde, "The electric chair didn't work, so I guess I'll take the guillotine."

If a genie appeared and said I could choose a woman, dead or alive, to magically appear so I can have sex with her...

I'd probably choose alive this time.

If I could have dinner with one person, alive or dead, I think I would probably choose...

alive.

Interview

p.s: sorry about my english im not an native english speaker, this is the translation from my country joke (indonesia)

A woman came to a job interview. Then the interviewer says: "You have 2 choices, do you prefer me to ask you 10 easy questions, or 1 difficult question?"

After thinking for a while, the woman choose 1 difficult question. Then the interviewer asks: "Which came first, the night or the day?"

Without even thinking, The woman answer:"THE NIGHT, Sir."

Curious, The interviewer asks again:"How can you be so sure Night came first?"

"Sorry sir, but you promised me only one difficult question."

They say choose a major you love and you'll never work a day in your life...

because that field probably isn't hiring.

If we played cowboys and Indians I wouldn't choose to be on losing team

that would be Sioux side.

Choose Wisely...

A rather bad man dies and meets Satan in a room with three doors. Satan explains, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that you have to spend eternity behind one of these doors. But, the good news is that you can take a peek behind each and take your choice."
So, the man opened the first door and saw a room full of people, standing on their heads on a concrete floor. Not very nice, he thought.

Opening the second door, he saw a room full of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor. Better, he thought, but best to check the last door.

Upon opening the last door, he saw a room full of people, standing waist-deep in excrement and sipping coffee.

"Of the three, this one looks best," he said and waded in to get something to drink while Satan closed the door.

A few minutes later the door opened, Satan stuck his head in and said, "Ok, coffee break's over, back on your heads!"

So god asked 3 guys...

Three men die and end up meeting god.

God greets each of them personally and says their hellos. God then asks each one of them an important question.

"Each of you must choose one thing to have in a room for a thousand years. Choose wisely."

God asks the first man..."I want all the booze I can have god!" His wish is granted.

God asks the second man..."I want all the women in the world god!" His wish is granted.

God asks the third man..."I want all the weed in the world!" His wish is granted.

1000 years go by.

The first man stumbles out falling left and right with a giant bottle of beer in his hand.

The second man comes out looking exhausted yet satisfied.

The third man is curled in the fetal position in the corner of the room, rocking back and forth. God comes over to him and asks him what's wrong.

"Can I have a light."

If you had to choose between your local WNBA team winning the finals and receiving $5.....

What would you spend your $5 on?

I think of my co-workers as a second family

Because I didn't get to choose any and I hate them

The Boss.

One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks him to choose one.

The man asks, How much is the yellow one?

The assistant replies that it costs $2,000. The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. This parrot is a very special one. He can type really fast.

What about the green one? the man asks. He costs $5,000 because he can type, answer incoming phone calls and takes notes.

What about the red one? the man asks. The assistant says, That one's $10,000.

Curious, the man asks, What does he do? The assistant says, I don't know, but the other two call him boss.

5 men and 1 woman on a deserted island

Five men and one woman strand on a deserted island after their cruise ship sank. They are the only survivors. They find shelter and enough food and water to sustain them. So now they discuss the matter of sex. They all agree that each man gets his different day of the week to have sex with the woman. And in the weekends the woman is free to choose any or no man.
Now everything is going fine. But after 3 weeks the woman gets ill and eventually dies. The first week, the men are doing fine. The second week, it gets harder. But the third week, it becomes unbearable. That's when they decided to bury the woman.

Dog or Wife?

Your Wife is shouting at you to open the front door, and your dog is barking at the back door. Which one do you let in?

Well you can choose, but if you let the dog in at least they will stop barking.

Caught by a local tribe.

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now we've caught you and we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you and then we're going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.

The Englishman says, "a pistol for me please." The chief gives him a pistol, the Englishman points it at his head and says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork!" The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over--the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There is blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled and asks, "My God, what are you doing?"

And the New Yorker responds, "So much for your canoe you stupid cannibal!
(my dad told me this one)

If I had to choose between DNA and RNA..

I would take RNA because it has U in it

If I were stranded on a deserted island with 3 things of my choice...

I would have to choose Michael Phelps, a saddle, and a stick with a gold medal tied to it.

My friend asked me what I'd choose, a night with any lady of my liking or a million dollars

I said a million dollars because then I could have more than one night with the lady

I'm so sick of people looking at me funny because I choose to breast feed.

If I wanna get my milk straight from the cow, then that's up to me.

A man asks an atheist if he had the ability to choose, which fictional character would he be

The atheist replied with " God "

In Russia, People Don't Choose Russia's President

People choose United States president

Apparently the US government has to choose between supporting ISIS and the al-Assad regime...

I think that's called getting caught between Iraq and a hard place.

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