The Best 80 Choose Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Choose jokes. There are some choose select jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these choose choice puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Choose Jokes and Puns
Stupid kid
A barber was doing his business and a kid walked in his shop.
The barber told his customer:
- See that kid, he's the stupidest kid I've ever know. Here I'll prove it to you.
The barber yells at kid to come to him so his customer can watch.
The barber pulls out a 2 euro coin and a 5 euro bill and asks the kid:
- Hey kid, what do u choose?
The kid takes the 2 euro coin and leaves. The barber:
- See, I told u. He chooses 2 euro coin every time.
The customer walks out and sees the kid around the corner eating ice-cream.
He approaches the kid and asks:
- Do u not know the difference between a 2 euro coin and a 5 euro bill. Which one is more valuable?
The kid replies:
- I know the difference, but the moment I choose the 5 euro bill, the game is over.
Why did Elon Musk choose SpaceX to land on mars?
Because if he chose SpaceY he'd land on 14 year old boys.
Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"
"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."
I told my son, You will marry the girl I choose.
He said, NO!
I told him, She is Bill Gates' daughter.
He said, OK.
I called Bill Gates and said, I want your daughter to marry my son.
Bill Gates said, NO.
I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.
Bill Gates said, OK.
I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.
He said, NO.
I told him, My son is Bill Gates' son-in-law.
He said, OK.
This is how politics works.
My girlfriend asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose.
Apparently, I was only supposed to name one, not two.
I asked my mom if by any chance i was adopted ?
She said - why would we choose you..
A man asks an atheist if he had the ability to choose, which fictional character would he be
The atheist replied with " God "
If your mother-in-law and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose...
would you go to lunch or a movie?
If you had to choose between a billion dollars or world peace...
how many bedrooms would your mansion have?
African Roulette
Four men are captured by a tribe in the middle of Africa.
The tribe leader gives them the choice of either death, or they can try their luck at "African Roulette."
The men, as one of the choices seemingly had a chance to stay alive, hastily all chose the second option.
The tribe leader lined up 6 extremely gorgeous women in front of the men, and said "You must choose one of these beautiful women to preform oral sex on you."
The men saw nothing wrong with this and were ecstatic at their luck, yet confused about the "roulette" part.
As they chose their women and were getting ready, the tribe leader spoke up and said, "One of them is a cannibal."
If I had to choose between a rope or the inclined set of steps....
I would opt for the latter.
You can explore choose represent reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean choose opt dad jokes. There are also choose puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
If you had to choose between world peace and Bill Gates' fortune...
What color would your Lamborghini be?
Dog or Wife?
Your Wife is shouting at you to open the front door, and your dog is barking at the back door. Which one do you let in?
Well you can choose, but if you let the dog in at least they will stop barking.
What did Hitler choose on the test?
Not C.
What did JFK say before going to visit Marilyn Monroe?
I choose to go to Marilyn's hotel room this night and do the naughty things, not because she is easy, but because I am hard.
What's the difference between "a choice" and " to choose?"
"A choice" is a decision you make.
"To choose" are what Mexicans put on their feet.
I completely understand parents who choose not to vaccinate their children...
...because they all got vaccinated as children, and obviously turned out retarded.
I was standing at the bar when a girl came up to me...
I was standing at the bar when a girl came up to me.
"Fancy buying me a drink?" She said,
"Sure," I replied. "If you let me choose."
"Okay," she grinned. "But how will you know what I want?"
"Well, it's kind of a talent," I smiled. "All I do is look a girl up and down and I know exactly what drink suits her best."
"Okay," she giggled. "You can choose for me."
So I turned to the barman and said, "Diet coke, mate."
Why did the inventor of throat lozenges choose to be cremated?
So there wouldn't be any coffin.
My wife of 57 years said let's go upstairs and make love.
I told her choose one, I can't do both.
Apparently the US government has to choose between supporting ISIS and the al-Assad regime...
I think that's called getting caught between Iraq and a hard place.
If you had to choose between your local WNBA team winning the finals and receiving $5.....
What would you spend your $5 on?
My 6 year old daughter told me this morning that she wanted to grow up and be a feminist..
I told her she could only choose one.
Riding a horse can be difficult. You could always choose to ride a mule instead...
but that would be half-assed.
My girlfriend threatened to break up with me
She said, "You act so childish whenever I'm around. Now, it's either 'your mom' jokes or me."
I said, "And I, like so many men before me, will eagerly choose your mom."
Three men are captured by canibals
The canibals say that they will be killed and their skin will be made into a canoe, and that they can choose how they die.
The first one jumps off a rock, the second one cuts his throat.
The third one takes a fork, starts stabing himself and yelling 'NO CANOE FOR YOU!"
My wife said she would leave me if I didn't stop making PokΓ©mon references...
'You need to make a choice' she said 'It's either me or the stupid pokΓ©mon references!'
'I understand', I replied, holding back tears. 'Sandra, I choose you!!!'
They say choose a major you love and you'll never work a day in your life...
because that field probably isn't hiring.
An angel appears and says, "I'll grant you whichever of three blessings you choose. Wisdom, beauty, or ten million dollars."
Immediately, the man chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, he is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table.
One of his colleagues whispers, "You have great wisdom. Say something!"
The man says, "I should have taken the money."
Sometimes you have to choose between what is hard and what is easy
Luckily for you I'm both right now
What is my girlfriend's favorite meal?
A dish called: "I don't know, you choose."
I'm so sick of people looking at me funny because I choose to breast feed.
If I wanna get my milk straight from the cow, then that's up to me.
If you could choose between having a light saber or saving a child.....
Which color light saber would you choose?
How Politics Really Works
I told my son, "You will marry the girl I choose."
He said, "No."
I told him, "She is Bill Gates daughter."
He said, "Yes."
I called Bill Gates and said, "I want your daughter to marry my son."
Bill Gates said, "No."
I told Bill Gates, "My son is the C.E.O. of World Bank."
Bill Gates said, "Okay."
I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the C.E.O.
He said, "No."
I told him, "My son is Bill Gates son-in-law."
He said, "Okay.
This is exactly how politics works.
An angel appears to the head of a Philosophy Department...
...and says, "I'll grant you whichever of three blessings you choose. Wisdom, beauty, or ten million dollars."
Immediately, the professor chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, the professor is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table.
One of his colleagues whispers, "You have great wisdom. Say something!"The professor says, "I should have taken the money!"
I beat my wife at dominoes last night...
She really needs to remember that **I** choose the toppings.
My girlfriend asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose...
I SHOULD NEVER HAVE NAMED 2 FRIENDS!
I didn't choose the 4.0 GPA life....
Unfortunately it didn't choose me either :|
My girlfriend gave me an ultimatum today
She told me to choose between her and my obsession with pointing out doors to anyone in the room.
I responded, "Well, there's the door."
Wife says to her husband: "Choose, either me or the soccer game!"
He responds: "Give me 90 minutes to think."
If you had to choose...
Between eating bacon everyday or being skinny for the rest of your life, would you choose applewood or hickory smoked?
If I were stranded on a deserted island with 3 things of my choice...
I would have to choose Michael Phelps, a saddle, and a stick with a gold medal tied to it.
If you're genuinely asking me to choose between my career as a reporter and our relationship
Well then I've got some news for you
My friend asked me what I'd choose, a night with any lady of my liking or a million dollars
I said a million dollars because then I could have more than one night with the lady
John was unable to choose between two girls...
So he asked his friend Gary for help deciding which girl to be with.
John: I'm devoted to Kate but Edith is my dream girl, she's all I've ever wanted.
Gary: Then you should be with Edith.
John: But I love Kate and could never leave her...
Gary: Then you should stay with Kate.
John: But I also want to be with Edith, I can't miss this opportunity!
Gary: You can't have your Kate and Edith too.
In Russia, People Don't Choose Russia's President
People choose United States president
If I had to choose between DNA and RNA..
I would take RNA because it has U in it
When I go grocery shopping, I choose the checkstand with the sexiest checker
Self-checkout every time
"You will marry the woman I choose," said my dad.
I said, "But look how unhappy it made you."
The beard or me. You must choose.
A guy decides to grow a beard and his girlfriend hates it. She finally tells him: it's time to choose me or the beard.
He says: "What? Choose between the love of my life and a source of irritation that needs constant attention and tending? That's an easy decision....The hard question is who gets the apartment?"
Always love a women for her personality
They have like 10, so you can choose.
If I could have dinner with one person, alive or dead, I think I would probably choose...
alive.
If you could have dinner with any historical figure, who would you choose?
"Gandhi."
Why him?
"More food for me."
On a first date last night my date asked, 'So, what do you do?'
Frowning, I held up the menu and said 'you just choose something from this book of food'
It should always be pronounced "Gif"
Unless you're a choosy mom. Choosy moms choose "Jif".
If a genie appeared and said I could choose a woman, dead or alive, to magically appear so I can have sex with her...
I'd probably choose alive this time.
My girlfriend said choose her or weed
Too high to edit the title but it should say ex girlfriend
Dad, why did you and mom choose this name?
"You see Blue, its the anagram of something your mom loves as much as you"
And why is my sister called Lana ?
"For the same reason."
There was a guy who was terrible at naming thing ...
His dog was named dog, his cat was named cat and so on. One day, the man's sister was having twins and in a long family tradition, the babies uncle had to chose the names. Absolutely mortified, the twin girl and boy were born and it was time;
What did you choose for the girl?
Denise
Oh man, that's not so bad. What did you choose for the boy?
Denephew
I think of my co-workers as a second family
Because I didn't get to choose any and I hate them
If we played cowboys and Indians I wouldn't choose to be on losing team
that would be Sioux side.
A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal
He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.
Ask Reddit be like "If you could have sex with any celebrity, dead or alive, who would it be?"
I'd choose alive. Weirdo.
I asked my parents am I adopted
They answered, "Of course no, why do you think we would choose you?"
I am married to a Korean wife and she told me I get to name our son's English name
We live in Korea and gave our son my wife's last name λͺ¨ (pronounced 'mo').
I got to choose his English name so I said we should call him Lester.
So when I go around and introduce my child I could say
"This is our child λͺ¨ Lester"
A couple of Italian guys are discussing who, if they could choose any woman in the world, they'd rather bang
One of them says some big name actress, the other says "Virginia Pippilini."
The first guy's like, "Who's that? Is she a model?"
"I don't know"
"Actress?"
"I don't know."
"Singer?"
"I don't know."
"Well if you don't know, why choose her?"
The guy pulls out a newspaper and points to the headline. "Virginia Pipeline blows 50 men dead."
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children,
it's their responsibility to choose whatever medical school they'll graduate from.
My wife's mad at me because last night she asked me if I could have a threesome which of her friends would I choose.
I guess I probably shouldn't have chosen 2 of them.
A Man Goes To His Doctor
Doctor: Pick a star sign. Any star sign
Man: Alright, i choose Capricorn
Doctor: Nah you got Cancer
Men get paid more than women because they choose high paying careers like doctor, engineer, and CEO
Women pick low paying careers like woman doctor, woman engineer, or woman CEO
A husky, a pitbull, and a chihuahua are all fighting over a poodle.
Poodle says: "I'll only choose the mate who can use the words 'Liver' and 'Cheese' in one sentence..."
Husky: "Well that's easy, I love liver and I love cheese!"
Poodle: "That's not gonna work"
Pitbull: "I hate liver and I hate cheese!"
Poodle: "...No"
Chihuahua: "LIVER ALONE, CHEESE MINE!"
A surgeon offers a patient his choice of two hearts for transplant.
The 1st heart belonged to a 22 year old Olympian in peak physical condition who died tragically.
The 2nd heart belonged to an 80 year old obese sedentary politician.
Without thinking twice, the patient chooses the 2nd heart.
Shocked by his choice, the surgeon asks Why did you choose that heart?
The patient responds Because I know that heart has never been used.
I was surprised about the questions they asked on my online job application.
First they asked if want to have sex with male or female .
And now they want me to choose who i want to race with.
How does Santa choose which female reindeer to breed with his prized stud?
By choosing the one that's the best bang for the buck.
Between wealth and wisdom what will you choose ?
teacher : If you are offered wealth and wisdom what will you choose ?
student : wealth
teacher: No. That's a bad answer. I will choose wisdom .
students: that's ok sir. We have to choose what we don't have.
What did the convicted cannibal choose for his last meal?
Five guys
AMD is red, Intel is blue,
I choose i7 because Ryzen are few.
CASHIER: Paper or plastic?
CUSTOMER: You choose.
CASHIER: Sorry baggers can't be choosers.
in hell
A man goes to hell. They tell him:
-- You have not sinned too much, so we allow you to choose torture yourself.
He goes into the first room and there people are fried in a frying pan. It doesn't suit him and he leaves.
In the second room needles are inserted under the nails.
It hurts too, he says and leaves.
In the third room there are men knee-deep in shit having a smoke.
-- This is for me, although it stinks probably I have no better choice.
He gets into shit. He takes out a cigarette, lights it.
And then he hears:
-- The smoke break is over, finish off eating!
I was asked to pick a word to describe myself...
But I couldn't choose between indecisive and hesitant.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the choose decide jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working choose selection piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.