Choose Jokes
128 choose jokes and hilarious choose puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about choose that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Choose Short Jokes
Short choose jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The choose humour may include short choice jokes also.
- Why did elon musk choose SpaceX to land on mars? Because if he chose SpaceY he'd land on 14 year old boys.
- If you could have dinner with any historical figure, who would you choose? "Gandhi."
Why him?
"More food for me." - A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.
- Watching my daughter at the park earlier. Another parent asked, "Which one is yours?" Just for fun I said, "I am still choosing." She looked horrified.
- On a first date last night my date asked, 'So, what do you do?' Frowning, I held up the menu and said 'you just choose something from this book of food'
- What would you call someone with the power to heal others but chooses to be evil? The American Healthcare System
- 19:45 We can't continue this way. You have to choose. football or me? 22:00 Of course I choose you, honey!
- I asked my girlfriend if looks and money were important to her when choosing a boyfriend... she said "Clearly not."
:-( - If your mother-in-law and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose... would you go to lunch or a movie?
- If you could get rid of any race, which would you choose? I'd pick the 400 meters, it's too long for a sprint and it's too short to be a true endurance race.
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Choose One Liners
Which choose one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with choose? I can suggest the ones about pick and selection.
- I asked my mom if by any chance i was adopted ? She said - why would we choose you..
- Always love a women for her personality They have like 10, so you can choose.
- I didn't choose the 4.0 GPA life.... Unfortunately it didn't choose me either :|
- What is my girlfriend's favorite meal? A dish called: "I don't know, you choose."
- why did arwen and aragorn choose frodo to be the ring bearer ? Force of hobbit
- What did the convicted cannibal choose for his last meal? Five guys
- If I had to choose between DNA and RNA.. I would take RNA because it has U in it
- In Russia, People Don't Choose Russia's President People choose United States president
- Ive tried lockpicking once i still dont know wich one to choose
- How did the bank robber choose his next target? He used Google safe search.
- A son asks his dad Son: Dad am I adopted
Dad: Of Couse Not, why would I even choose you - If I could be an animal for one day I think I'd choose a Thursday.
- Knock knock. Who's there?
Pee catch.
Pee catch who?
Go! I choose you! - If I had to box a professional athlete. I would choose a soccer player.
- AMD is red, Intel is blue, I choose i7 because Ryzen are few.
Choose Adventure Jokes
Here is a list of funny choose adventure jokes and even better choose adventure puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What is a Republican's favorite Choose Your Own Adventure? The U.S. Constitution.
- S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P Choose your own adventure.
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Loads of Fun with Charming Humor Choose Jokes
What funny jokes about choose you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean option jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make choose pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
s**... kid
A barber was doing his business and a kid walked in his shop.
The barber told his customer:
- See that kid, he's the stupidest kid I've ever know. Here I'll prove it to you.
The barber yells at kid to come to him so his customer can watch.
The barber pulls out a 2 euro coin and a 5 euro bill and asks the kid:
- Hey kid, what do u choose?
The kid takes the 2 euro coin and leaves. The barber:
- See, I told u. He chooses 2 euro coin every time.
The customer walks out and sees the kid around the corner eating ice-cream.
He approaches the kid and asks:
- Do u not know the difference between a 2 euro coin and a 5 euro bill. Which one is more valuable?
The kid replies:
- I know the difference, but the moment I choose the 5 euro bill, the game is over.
Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"
"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."
I told my son, You will marry the girl I choose.
He said, NO!
I told him, She is Bill Gates' daughter.
He said, OK.
I called Bill Gates and said, I want your daughter to marry my son.
Bill Gates said, NO.
I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.
Bill Gates said, OK.
I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.
He said, NO.
I told him, My son is Bill Gates' son-in-law.
He said, OK.
This is how politics works.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My girlfriend asked me if I could have a t**..., which of her friends I would choose.
Apparently, I was only supposed to name one, not two.
my wife after 25 years of marriage asked me to choose my happiest memory, a moment when we were together
I said for god's sake woman, make up your mind, which one do you want?
A man asks an atheist if he had the ability to choose, which fictional character would he be
The atheist replied with " God "
If you had to choose between a billion dollars or world peace...
how many bedrooms would your mansion have?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
African Roulette
Four men are captured by a tribe in the middle of Africa.
The tribe leader gives them the choice of either death, or they can try their luck at "African Roulette."
The men, as one of the choices seemingly had a chance to stay alive, hastily all chose the second option.
The tribe leader lined up 6 extremely gorgeous women in front of the men, and said "You must choose one of these beautiful women to preform o**... s**... on you."
The men saw nothing wrong with this and were ecstatic at their luck, yet confused about the "roulette" part.
As they chose their women and were getting ready, the tribe leader spoke up and said, "One of them is a cannibal."
If I had to choose between a rope or the inclined set of steps....
I would opt for the latter.
If you had to choose between world peace and Bill Gates' fortune...
What color would your Lamborghini be?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did h**... choose on the test?
Not C.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Russian World War II veteran
Is telling his grandchildren:
"So the Germans surrounded us, captured us, and told us, "You choose: either we b**...-f**... you, or we shoot you..."
"And what happened, grandpa?"
"The cursed n**... shot me to death."
If I had a choice between stairs and a runged instrument for ascending things...
I would choose the ladder.
What did JFK say before going to visit Marilyn Monroe?
I choose to go to Marilyn's hotel room this night and do the naughty things, not because she is easy, but because I am hard.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I completely understand parents who choose not to vaccinate their children...
...because they all got vaccinated as children, and obviously turned out r**....
I was standing at the bar when a girl came up to me...
I was standing at the bar when a girl came up to me.
"Fancy buying me a drink?" She said,
"Sure," I replied. "If you let me choose."
"Okay," she grinned. "But how will you know what I want?"
"Well, it's kind of a talent," I smiled. "All I do is look a girl up and down and I know exactly what drink suits her best."
"Okay," she giggled. "You can choose for me."
So I turned to the barman and said, "Diet coke, mate."
If you had to choose between your SO and 1 millions dollars...
What is the first thing you would buy?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the inventor of t**... lozenges choose to be cremated?
So there wouldn't be any coffin.
My wife of 57 years said let's go upstairs and make love.
I told her choose one, I can't do both.
On earth: A magician puts his hand in his hat.
In the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. It is time. The rabit council must choose another sacrifice.
Apparently the US government has to choose between supporting ISIS and the al-Assad regime...
I think that's called getting caught between Iraq and a hard place.
If you had to choose between your local wnba team winning the finals and receiving $5.....
What would you spend your $5 on?
My 6 year old daughter told me this morning that she wanted to grow up and be a feminist..
I told her she could only choose one.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Riding a horse can be difficult. You could always choose to ride a mule instead...
but that would be half-assed.
My girlfriend threatened to break up with me
She said, "You act so childish whenever I'm around. Now, it's either 'your mom' jokes or me."
I said, "And I, like so many men before me, will eagerly choose your mom."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three men are captured by canibals
The canibals say that they will be killed and their skin will be made into a canoe, and that they can choose how they die.
The first one jumps off a rock, the second one cuts his t**....
The third one takes a fork, starts stabing himself and yelling 'NO CANOE FOR YOU!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife said she would leave me if I didn't stop making Pokémon references...
'You need to make a choice' she said 'It's either me or the s**... pokémon references!'
'I understand', I replied, holding back tears. 'Sandra, I choose you!!!'
They say choose a major you love and you'll never work a day in your life...
because that field probably isn't hiring.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president...
...and 50 for Miss America?
Sometimes you have to choose between what is hard and what is easy
Luckily for you I'm both right now
I asked my friend if you could meet anyone living or dead, who would you choose?
He said, "Donald Trump, dead."
I'm so sick of people looking at me funny because I choose to breast feed.
If I wanna get my milk straight from the cow, then that's up to me.
If you could choose between having a light saber or saving a child.....
Which color light saber would you choose?
How Politics Really Works
I told my son, "You will marry the girl I choose."
He said, "No."
I told him, "She is Bill Gates daughter."
He said, "Yes."
I called Bill Gates and said, "I want your daughter to marry my son."
Bill Gates said, "No."
I told Bill Gates, "My son is the C.E.O. of World Bank."
Bill Gates said, "Okay."
I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the C.E.O.
He said, "No."
I told him, "My son is Bill Gates son-in-law."
He said, "Okay.
This is exactly how politics works.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I beat my wife at dominoes last night...
She really needs to remember that **I** choose the toppings.
My girlfriend gave me an ultimatum today
She told me to choose between her and my obsession with pointing out doors to anyone in the room.
I responded, "Well, there's the door."
Wife says to her husband: "Choose, either me or the soccer game!"
He responds: "Give me 90 minutes to think."
If you had to choose...
Between eating bacon everyday or being skinny for the rest of your life, would you choose applewood or hickory smoked?
If you're genuinely asking me to choose between my career as a reporter and our relationship
Well then I've got some news for you
My friend asked me what I'd choose, a night with any lady of my liking or a million dollars
I said a million dollars because then I could have more than one night with the lady
John was unable to choose between two girls...
So he asked his friend Gary for help deciding which girl to be with.
John: I'm devoted to Kate but Edith is my dream girl, she's all I've ever wanted.
Gary: Then you should be with Edith.
John: But I love Kate and could never leave her...
Gary: Then you should stay with Kate.
John: But I also want to be with Edith, I can't miss this opportunity!
Gary: You can't have your Kate and Edith too.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The internet is like a choose your own adventure game
Where every adventure ultimately ends with me m**...
I was in a love triangle with my girlfriend and a tool. I told her she had to choose. Me or him.
She chose the ladder.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
b**... b**...
Two adventurers were captured by a tribe in the jungle.
The chief asked the first one: "Decide your fate: Death or b**... b**..."
He answered: "I choose b**... b**..." and was r**... by the whole tribe.
So the chief asked the second adventurer: "Death or b**... b**...".
He answered: "I choose death"
The chief: "Well, so it shall be. Death by b**... b**...!"
"You will marry the woman I choose," said my dad.
I said, "But look how unhappy it made you."
The beard or me. You must choose.
A guy decides to grow a beard and his girlfriend hates it. She finally tells him: it's time to choose me or the beard.
He says: "What? Choose between the love of my life and a source of irritation that needs constant attention and tending? That's an easy decision....The hard question is who gets the apartment?"
A girl had the choice of going out with either a fencer or a boxer.
The fencer was really kind and gentle, while the boxer seemed rowdy. In the end, she chose to go out with the boxer.
I asked her, "Why did you choose the boxer? The fencer seemed really nice."
She responded, " I don't know, the fencer just seemed rapier."
If I could have dinner with one person, alive or dead, I think I would probably choose...
alive.
Always choose a girl for her personality
They have 20 so you can choose
It should always be pronounced "Gif"
Unless you're a choosy mom. Choosy moms choose "Jif".
When the logician was given a choice between eternal bliss and a ham salad, which one did he choose?
Ham salad, because nothing is better than eternal bliss, and ham salad is better than nothing.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If a genie appeared and said I could choose a woman, dead or alive, to magically appear so I can have s**... with her...
I'd probably choose alive this time.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My girlfriend said choose her or w**...
Too high to edit the title but it should say ex girlfriend
Dad, why did you and mom choose this name?
"You see Blue, its the anagram of something your mom loves as much as you"
And why is my sister called Lana ?
"For the same reason."
There was a guy who was terrible at naming thing ...
His dog was named dog, his cat was named cat and so on. One day, the man's sister was having twins and in a long family tradition, the babies uncle had to chose the names. Absolutely mortified, the twin girl and boy were born and it was time;
What did you choose for the girl?
Denise
Oh man, that's not so bad. What did you choose for the boy?
Denephew
The four things you cannot choose.
1. Your gender
2. Your race
3. Your nationality
4. The president of Turkey.
I think of my co-workers as a second family
Because I didn't get to choose any and I hate them
If we played cowboys and Indians I wouldn't choose to be on losing team
that would be Sioux side.
Why would America choose the bold eagle as their national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away?
Oh, right...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Ask Reddit be like "If you could have s**... with any celebrity, dead or alive, who would it be?"
I'd choose alive. w**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An elderly couple are making their f**... arrangements.
They get to choose what is engraved on each other's headstones.
Husband says, "Here lies Karen. Quiet at last"
Wife says, "Here lies Kevin, stiff at last"
I am married to a Korean wife and she told me I get to name our son's English name
We live in Korea and gave our son my wife's last name 모 (pronounced 'mo').
I got to choose his English name so I said we should call him Lester.
So when I go around and introduce my child I could say
"This is our child 모 Lester"
A couple of Italian guys are discussing who, if they could choose any woman in the world, they'd rather bang
One of them says some big name actress, the other says "Virginia Pippilini."
The first guy's like, "Who's that? Is she a model?"
"I don't know"
"Actress?"
"I don't know."
"Singer?"
"I don't know."
"Well if you don't know, why choose her?"
The guy pulls out a newspaper and points to the headline. "Virginia Pipeline blows 50 men dead."
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children,
it's their responsibility to choose whatever medical school they'll graduate from.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife's mad at me because last night she asked me if I could have a t**... which of her friends would I choose.
I guess I probably shouldn't have chosen 2 of them.
A Man Goes To His Doctor
Doctor: Pick a star sign. Any star sign
Man: Alright, i choose Capricorn
Doctor: Nah you got Cancer
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Men get paid more than women because they choose high paying careers like doctor, engineer, and CEO
Women pick low paying careers like woman doctor, woman engineer, or woman CEO
A husky, a pitbull, and a chihuahua are all fighting over a poodle.
Poodle says: "I'll only choose the mate who can use the words 'Liver' and 'Cheese' in one sentence..."
Husky: "Well that's easy, I love liver and I love cheese!"
Poodle: "That's not gonna work"
Pitbull: "I hate liver and I hate cheese!"
Poodle: "...No"
Chihuahua: "LIVER ALONE, CHEESE MINE!"
