Choose Jokes
131 choose jokes and hilarious choose puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about choose that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Choose Short Jokes
Short choose jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The choose humour may include short choice jokes also.
- Why did elon musk choose SpaceX to land on mars? Because if he chose SpaceY he'd land on 14 year old boys.
- If you could have dinner with any historical figure, who would you choose? "Gandhi."
Why him?
"More food for me." - A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.
- Watching my daughter at the park earlier. Another parent asked, "Which one is yours?" Just for fun I said, "I am still choosing." She looked horrified.
- On a first date last night my date asked, 'So, what do you do?' Frowning, I held up the menu and said 'you just choose something from this book of food'
- What would you call someone with the power to heal others but chooses to be evil? The American Healthcare System
- 19:45 We can't continue this way. You have to choose. football or me? 22:00 Of course I choose you, honey!
- I asked my girlfriend if looks and money were important to her when choosing a boyfriend... she said "Clearly not."
:-( - If your mother-in-law and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose... would you go to lunch or a movie?
- If you could get rid of any race, which would you choose? I'd pick the 400 meters, it's too long for a sprint and it's too short to be a true endurance race.
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Choose One Liners
Which choose one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with choose? I can suggest the ones about pick and selection.
- I asked my mom if by any chance i was adopted ? She said - why would we choose you..
- Always love a women for her personality They have like 10, so you can choose.
- I didn't choose the 4.0 GPA life.... Unfortunately it didn't choose me either :|
- What is my girlfriend's favorite meal? A dish called: "I don't know, you choose."
- why did arwen and aragorn choose frodo to be the ring bearer ? Force of hobbit
- What did the convicted cannibal choose for his last meal? Five guys
- If I had to choose between DNA and RNA.. I would take RNA because it has U in it
- In Russia, People Don't Choose Russia's President People choose United States president
- Ive tried lockpicking once i still dont know wich one to choose
- How did the bank robber choose his next target? He used Google safe search.
- A son asks his dad Son: Dad am I adopted
Dad: Of Couse Not, why would I even choose you - Why doesn't everyone choose cremation? You have to urn it.
- If I could be an animal for one day I think I'd choose a Thursday.
- Knock knock. Who's there?
Pee catch.
Pee catch who?
Go! I choose you! - If I had to box a professional athlete. I would choose a soccer player.
Choose Adventure Jokes
Here is a list of funny choose adventure jokes and even better choose adventure puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What is a Republican's favorite Choose Your Own Adventure? The U.S. Constitution.
- S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P Choose your own adventure.
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem? - The internet is like a choose your own adventure game Where every adventure ultimately ends with me m**...
Loads of Fun with Charming Humor Choose Jokes
What funny jokes about choose you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean chose jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make choose pranks.
s**... kid
A barber was doing his business and a kid walked in his shop.
The barber told his customer:
- See that kid, he's the stupidest kid I've ever know. Here I'll prove it to you.
The barber yells at kid to come to him so his customer can watch.
The barber pulls out a 2 euro coin and a 5 euro bill and asks the kid:
- Hey kid, what do u choose?
The kid takes the 2 euro coin and leaves. The barber:
- See, I told u. He chooses 2 euro coin every time.
The customer walks out and sees the kid around the corner eating ice-cream.
He approaches the kid and asks:
- Do u not know the difference between a 2 euro coin and a 5 euro bill. Which one is more valuable?
The kid replies:
- I know the difference, but the moment I choose the 5 euro bill, the game is over.
Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"
"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."
I told my son, You will marry the girl I choose.
He said, NO!
I told him, She is Bill Gates' daughter.
He said, OK.
I called Bill Gates and said, I want your daughter to marry my son.
Bill Gates said, NO.
I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.
Bill Gates said, OK.
I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.
He said, NO.
I told him, My son is Bill Gates' son-in-law.
He said, OK.
This is how politics works.
My girlfriend asked me if I could have a t**..., which of her friends I would choose.
Apparently, I was only supposed to name one, not two.
A man asks an atheist if he had the ability to choose, which fictional character would he be
The atheist replied with " God "
If you had to choose between a billion dollars or world peace...
how many bedrooms would your mansion have?
African Roulette
Four men are captured by a tribe in the middle of Africa.
The tribe leader gives them the choice of either death, or they can try their luck at "African Roulette."
The men, as one of the choices seemingly had a chance to stay alive, hastily all chose the second option.
The tribe leader lined up 6 extremely gorgeous women in front of the men, and said "You must choose one of these beautiful women to preform o**... s**... on you."
The men saw nothing wrong with this and were ecstatic at their luck, yet confused about the "roulette" part.
As they chose their women and were getting ready, the tribe leader spoke up and said, "One of them is a cannibal."
If I had to choose between a rope or the inclined set of steps....
I would opt for the latter.
If you had to choose between world peace and Bill Gates' fortune...
What color would your Lamborghini be?
If you could choose between 1 billion dollars and world peace...
What would the color of your new Lamborghini be?
Dog or Wife?
Your Wife is shouting at you to open the front door, and your dog is barking at the back door. Which one do you let in?
Well you can choose, but if you let the dog in at least they will stop barking.
What did h**... choose on the test?
Not C.
A Russian World War II veteran
Is telling his grandchildren:
"So the Germans surrounded us, captured us, and told us, "You choose: either we b**...-f**... you, or we shoot you..."
"And what happened, grandpa?"
"The cursed n**... shot me to death."
If I had a choice between stairs and a runged instrument for ascending things...
I would choose the ladder.
What did JFK say before going to visit Marilyn Monroe?
I choose to go to Marilyn's hotel room this night and do the naughty things, not because she is easy, but because I am hard.
What's the difference between "a choice" and " to choose?"
"A choice" is a decision you make.
"To choose" are what Mexicans put on their feet.
I completely understand parents who choose not to vaccinate their children...
...because they all got vaccinated as children, and obviously turned out r**....
I was standing at the bar when a girl came up to me...
I was standing at the bar when a girl came up to me.
"Fancy buying me a drink?" She said,
"Sure," I replied. "If you let me choose."
"Okay," she grinned. "But how will you know what I want?"
"Well, it's kind of a talent," I smiled. "All I do is look a girl up and down and I know exactly what drink suits her best."
"Okay," she giggled. "You can choose for me."
So I turned to the barman and said, "Diet coke, mate."
Why did the inventor of t**... lozenges choose to be cremated?
So there wouldn't be any coffin.
My wife of 57 years said let's go upstairs and make love.
I told her choose one, I can't do both.
On earth: A magician puts his hand in his hat.
In the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. It is time. The rabit council must choose another sacrifice.
Apparently the US government has to choose between supporting ISIS and the al-Assad regime...
I think that's called getting caught between Iraq and a hard place.
If you had to choose between your local wnba team winning the finals and receiving $5.....
What would you spend your $5 on?
My 6 year old daughter told me this morning that she wanted to grow up and be a feminist..
I told her she could only choose one.
So my girlfriend told me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter.
Well, I've got some news for her.
Riding a horse can be difficult. You could always choose to ride a mule instead...
but that would be half-assed.
My girlfriend threatened to break up with me
She said, "You act so childish whenever I'm around. Now, it's either 'your mom' jokes or me."
I said, "And I, like so many men before me, will eagerly choose your mom."
Three men are captured by canibals
The canibals say that they will be killed and their skin will be made into a canoe, and that they can choose how they die.
The first one jumps off a rock, the second one cuts his t**....
The third one takes a fork, starts stabing himself and yelling 'NO CANOE FOR YOU!"
My wife said she would leave me if I didn't stop making Pokémon references...
'You need to make a choice' she said 'It's either me or the s**... pokémon references!'
'I understand', I replied, holding back tears. 'Sandra, I choose you!!!'
They say choose a major you love and you'll never work a day in your life...
because that field probably isn't hiring.
An angel appears and says, "I'll grant you whichever of three blessings you choose. Wisdom, beauty, or ten million dollars."
Immediately, the man chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, he is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table.
One of his colleagues whispers, "You have great wisdom. Say something!"
The man says, "I should have taken the money."
Sometimes you have to choose between what is hard and what is easy
Luckily for you I'm both right now
I asked my friend if you could meet anyone living or dead, who would you choose?
He said, "Donald Trump, dead."
I'm so sick of people looking at me funny because I choose to breast feed.
If I wanna get my milk straight from the cow, then that's up to me.
If you could choose between having a light saber or saving a child.....
Which color light saber would you choose?
How Politics Really Works
I told my son, "You will marry the girl I choose."
He said, "No."
I told him, "She is Bill Gates daughter."
He said, "Yes."
I called Bill Gates and said, "I want your daughter to marry my son."
Bill Gates said, "No."
I told Bill Gates, "My son is the C.E.O. of World Bank."
Bill Gates said, "Okay."
I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the C.E.O.
He said, "No."
I told him, "My son is Bill Gates son-in-law."
He said, "Okay.
This is exactly how politics works.
An angel appears to the head of a Philosophy Department...
...and says, "I'll grant you whichever of three blessings you choose. Wisdom, beauty, or ten million dollars."
Immediately, the professor chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, the professor is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table.
One of his colleagues whispers, "You have great wisdom. Say something!"The professor says, "I should have taken the money!"
I beat my wife at dominoes last night...
She really needs to remember that **I** choose the toppings.
My girlfriend asked me if I could have a t**..., which of her friends I would choose...
I SHOULD NEVER HAVE NAMED 2 FRIENDS!
My girlfriend gave me an ultimatum today
She told me to choose between her and my obsession with pointing out doors to anyone in the room.
I responded, "Well, there's the door."
Wife says to her husband: "Choose, either me or the soccer game!"
He responds: "Give me 90 minutes to think."
If you had to choose...
Between eating bacon everyday or being skinny for the rest of your life, would you choose applewood or hickory smoked?
If I were stranded on a deserted island with 3 things of my choice...
I would have to choose Michael Phelps, a saddle, and a stick with a gold medal tied to it.
If you're genuinely asking me to choose between my career as a reporter and our relationship
Well then I've got some news for you
My friend asked me what I'd choose, a night with any lady of my liking or a million dollars
I said a million dollars because then I could have more than one night with the lady
John was unable to choose between two girls...
So he asked his friend Gary for help deciding which girl to be with.
John: I'm devoted to Kate but Edith is my dream girl, she's all I've ever wanted.
Gary: Then you should be with Edith.
John: But I love Kate and could never leave her...
Gary: Then you should stay with Kate.
John: But I also want to be with Edith, I can't miss this opportunity!
Gary: You can't have your Kate and Edith too.
When I go grocery shopping, I choose the checkstand with the sexiest checker
Self-checkout every time
"You will marry the woman I choose," said my dad.
I said, "But look how unhappy it made you."
The beard or me. You must choose.
A guy decides to grow a beard and his girlfriend hates it. She finally tells him: it's time to choose me or the beard.
He says: "What? Choose between the love of my life and a source of irritation that needs constant attention and tending? That's an easy decision....The hard question is who gets the apartment?"
A girl had the choice of going out with either a fencer or a boxer.
The fencer was really kind and gentle, while the boxer seemed rowdy. In the end, she chose to go out with the boxer.
I asked her, "Why did you choose the boxer? The fencer seemed really nice."
She responded, " I don't know, the fencer just seemed rapier."
If I could have dinner with one person, alive or dead, I think I would probably choose...
alive.
Wisdom, Beauty, or Money
At a meeting of the college faculty, an angel suddenly appears and tells the head of the Physics department, I will grant you whichever of three blessings you choose: Wisdom, Beauty—or ten million dollars.
Immediately, the professor chooses Wisdom.
There is a ash of lightning, and the professor appears transformed, but he just sits there, staring down at the table. One of his colleagues whispers, Say something.
The professor says, I should have taken the money.
It should always be pronounced "Gif"
Unless you're a choosy mom. Choosy moms choose "Jif".
When the logician was given a choice between eternal bliss and a ham salad, which one did he choose?
Ham salad, because nothing is better than eternal bliss, and ham salad is better than nothing.
If a genie appeared and said I could choose a woman, dead or alive, to magically appear so I can have s**... with her...
I'd probably choose alive this time.
My girlfriend said choose her or w**...
Too high to edit the title but it should say ex girlfriend
Dad, why did you and mom choose this name?
"You see Blue, its the anagram of something your mom loves as much as you"
And why is my sister called Lana ?
"For the same reason."
There was a guy who was terrible at naming thing ...
His dog was named dog, his cat was named cat and so on. One day, the man's sister was having twins and in a long family tradition, the babies uncle had to chose the names. Absolutely mortified, the twin girl and boy were born and it was time;
What did you choose for the girl?
Denise
Oh man, that's not so bad. What did you choose for the boy?
Denephew
The four things you cannot choose.
1. Your gender
2. Your race
3. Your nationality
4. The president of Turkey.
Why a man should always choose a dog over a wife
No man should ever choose a woman when we can get himself a dog.
Want proof?
Next time they misbehave put your dog and your woman in the garage for an hour and lock the door. Which one is happy to see you when you come back?
I think of my co-workers as a second family
Because I didn't get to choose any and I hate them
If we played cowboys and Indians I wouldn't choose to be on losing team
that would be Sioux side.
Ask Reddit be like "If you could have s**... with any celebrity, dead or alive, who would it be?"
I'd choose alive. w**....
A lady walked into a tattoo parlor and said, "Can you do a tattoo of a turkey on my right inner thigh and one of a Christmas tree on my left inner thigh?"
"Sure,* the tattoo artist said. "But if you
don't mind me asking, why did you choose
those two designs?"
The lady smiled. "My husband' she explained. "He says there's never anything to eat
between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"
I asked my parents am I adopted
They answered, "Of course no, why do you think we would choose you?"
An elderly couple are making their f**... arrangements.
They get to choose what is engraved on each other's headstones.
Husband says, "Here lies Karen. Quiet at last"
Wife says, "Here lies Kevin, stiff at last"
I am married to a Korean wife and she told me I get to name our son's English name
We live in Korea and gave our son my wife's last name 모 (pronounced 'mo').
I got to choose his English name so I said we should call him Lester.
So when I go around and introduce my child I could say
"This is our child 모 Lester"
A couple of Italian guys are discussing who, if they could choose any woman in the world, they'd rather bang
One of them says some big name actress, the other says "Virginia Pippilini."
The first guy's like, "Who's that? Is she a model?"
"I don't know"
"Actress?"
"I don't know."
"Singer?"
"I don't know."
"Well if you don't know, why choose her?"
The guy pulls out a newspaper and points to the headline. "Virginia Pipeline blows 50 men dead."
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children,
it's their responsibility to choose whatever medical school they'll graduate from.
My wife's mad at me because last night she asked me if I could have a t**... which of her friends would I choose.
I guess I probably shouldn't have chosen 2 of them.
