Choking Jokes

What are some Choking jokes?

What would a Skyrim guard say if he saw you choking a little girl?

No loli gaggin'

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

*-Choking noises-*

I was choking on some alphabet pasta when a lady asked if I needed help.

She took the words right out of my mouth.

Retailers have pulled all the Darth Vader toys from their shelves...

Apparently they are a choking hazard.

Why do the Minnesota vikings wear purple as a team color?

If you've been choking for 50 years, you'd be purple too!

During a weekly game at the home for the aged, the bingo caller began choking and then collapsed.

He was rushed to emergency, and went immediately into surgery.

It appeared that 40 years of calling bingo games in smoky halls had finally caught-up with him.

The surgeon successfully removed a mass that was blocking his windpipe.

After waking from the surgery, the caller asked the surgeon if the mass was malignant.

The surgeon replied, "Fortunately, no. It was B9."

What do you call people with a penchant for choking.

Asphixionados

Last day for your taxes

A man walked into a restaurant with his young son. He gave the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy started choking, going blue in the face. The father realized the boy had swallowed the nickels and started slapping him on the back. The boy coughed up 2 of the nickels, but kept choking.
Looking at his son, the father panicked and shouted for help.
A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit was sitting at the coffee bar reading a
newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looked up, put her coffee cup down, neatly folded the newspaper and placed it on the counter, got up from her seat and made her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully dropped his pants, took hold of the boy's testicles and started to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulsed violently and coughed up the last nickel, which the woman deftly caught in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman handed the nickel to the father and walked back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he was sure that his son had suffered no ill effects, the father rushed over to the woman and started thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "
No," the woman replied, "I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."

A blonde's boyfriend dies after choking

She tried calling 911 but couldn't find the eleven.

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.

He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "
"No", the woman replied.
"I'm with the I.R.S."

There's this penguin...

There's this penguin, driving through the South, the Deep South... late August. The hot months. "Ew! But it sure is hot!" the penguin lisped from behind the wheel of his choking jalopy.

Suddenly! The jalopy fails the penguin and he has to push it down a bumpy road to the next small town. He got out, and with all his strength in his weak flippers, he pushed the car over hill and dale.

"Whew!" he sighed.

As luck would have it, there was a mechanic in town, and he told the penguin that he'd have to spend some time with the car. "Why don't you come back in an hour or so?"

Wiping the sweat from his brow, the penguin espied an ice cream shoppe! "Hurray and yippy!" he cried! "I'll be back, toot sweet!" he said.

He ordered the tallest vanilla ice cream he could hold between his vestigial wings... those miserable fins could barely manage the scoops upon scoops of creamy goodness. The cone was so tall that more of it ended up on the penguin than in him!

"Yummy! That was very very good!" the penguin said, smacking his lips.

He waddled back to the mechanic who was ready to give the little fellow an update. The mechanic looked at the penguin sternly. The gaskets and seals on the engine were severely damaged after years of driving without a routine check, and it was certainly going to be expensive.

"Well, it looks like you blew a seal."

"Oh no, that's just ice cream!" the penguin said, wiping the ice cream from his chin.

My wife was in a coma for 6 months and the doctor told me that although it's unconventional that I could try oral to wake her up so I decided to give it a try but after 5 minutes I gave up and the doctor asked what happened...

She just kept choking.

Last week, I took a Dallas Cowboys jersey away from my 2-year-old nephew.

It was a choking hazard.

What did Cinderella say as she was approaching the ball?

*makes choking sounds*

What's the difference between a kinder surprise and Michael jackson.

One is a choking hazard for children and the other is a chocolate covered candy

I made just one mistake last night and my wife wont stop giving me the death stare.

Excessive choking.

What do you do when a girl is choking?

Back up a few inches.

What should you say when your girlfriend thinks your D is small.

Tell her small things are a choking hazard

My Grandmother died in my arms the other night...

...I wasn't even choking her that hard.

My wife was in a coma. The doctor says to me, "There's one way to wake her up, but its a little unconventional. You go in there and you have oral sex with her"

I said "By God".
He says "I've seen it work"
So i go in there, I'm in there about five minutes and i come out.

I say, "Doc, shes choking"

A young boy starts choking on some pennies

The boys dad runs to him and tries to help him cough them out. After unsuccessfully helping, he grabs his phone and calls the local doctor for help.

"Doctor, My son had swallowed some pennies, and he is choking on them, please come quickly before he gets hurt"

"Sorry sir, I'm currently out of town, but grab a pen and put this number down, 1-800-377-6971. They will be sure to get every last cent out of him"

"Is this the phone number for the hospital doctor?"

"No it's the income tax service hotline"

How do you help a choking pig?

With the Ham-Lick maneuver of course

What do you do if someone's choking?

Pull back a few inches

My girlfriend hates giving blow jobs. She feels like she's choking and can't breathe.

I told her it's all in her head, but that made things worse.

Doc, I swallowed a chicken bone.

"Are you choking?"

"No I'm serious!"

A young woman starts choking on her seafood at a restaurant.

The man behind her says "Stand back! I'm a doctor!" and proceeds to use the Heimlich manoeuvre on her.

A whole small fish shoots out of her mouth and the woman finally gasps in a few breaths.

The doctor picks up the fish and says "What's a plaice like you doing in a girl like this?"

My wife went into a coma

Doctor: "I'm afraid there's only one way to save her"
Husband: " I'm willing to try anything"
Doctor: " the only you can save her is by going in there and having oral sex. I know it doesn't make sense but I've seen it work, trust me. "
Husband: " my god! If there's a chance it could save her, I'll do it doctor"
5 minutes later
Husband: "doc i think there's a problem, she's choking!"

It's no wonder falcons are an endangered species

They've got an extreme choking problem.

A lady in my home town just died from choking on a sausage.

That's gotta be the wurst way to go.

Just been reading how more people die from choking on sweets' packaging than the sweets themselves.

Gums don't kill people, wrappers do.

Someone just called me materialistic.

I felt like choking them with my Vivienne Westwood belt.

The inventor of the Heimlich maneuver has died at the age of 96.

Ironically enough, everyone at his funeral was choking back tears.

How do you help a pig that's choking on something?

With the Hamlich manoeuvre.

Choking Hazard.

Jim: I once saw a man choke to death right in front of my very eyes.


Nancy: God that must have been awful, did you try to save him with the Heimlich manoeuvre?


Jim: I couldn't at the time, my hands were wrapped tightly around his throat.

I'm a cop and I got caught choking the chicken in public

I was revoked of my badge and sentenced to three years jail time. The chicken filed a civil rights suit and received 3 million in reparations

Help! I have food stuck in my throat!

Haha, just choking!

Tyson Chicken Factory Farm Caught On Hidden Camera Torturing And Neglecting Animals

I guess they were caught choking the chicken?

Gav, an old friend of mine recently passed away by choking on a heartburn tablet

I still can't believe gaviscon

What do you do when a girl is choking?

You move back a little.

I was putting on a Warriors jersey...

But my friend said "that's a choking hazard."

Why didn't the toy manufacturer do it with his wife tonight?

Small parts are choking hazards.

Taking that CPR class before Highschool...

Led me to believe that choking and strokes would have occurred more often that I thought.

Conversation with my Dad.

Me: "The teacher was talking about strangling a student today!"

Dad:"She was probably just choking."

"Help! A snake is choking me!"

"No I'm not!", said the boa contradictor.

What did the man say to the suffocating clown?

You've got to be choking

What did the Princess do when she got to the ball?

*Makes choking noise*

In California, what do you do to someone choking at Disneyland?

You perform the Anaheimlich Maneuver



Thank you

I went out on a date with a Georgia/Falcons fan

She seemed really kinky when I talked with her. She's really into choking

What did the guy say who didn't swollow his food correctly?

Nothing

haha, just choking.

What does a tsundere wookie mom gasp when she sees her baby choking on food?

Chew baka

If choking is an integral part of bondage sex

Darth Vader was one helluva kinky guy

What do you say when you see a Chelsea winger strangling someone?

Choking Hazard

What did the priest think while choking on a pancake?

Holy Crepe!

You know what's ironic?

A vegetarian choking to death.

Hospital

A food reviewer for taken to hospital in a serious condition after choking on a piece of food.

On arriving at hospital his family enquired about his wellbeing.

"Nothing has changed" replied the doctor "he's still critical"

3 nickles

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son for breakfast. He gives the young boy
3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts
choking, going blue in the face.

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping
him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help. A well
dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is
sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At
the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly
folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and
makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the
boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then
ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs
up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and
walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father
rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, 'I've never seen
anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?'

"No," the woman replied. "Divorce Attorney"

How to make Choking jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Choking to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Choking? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Choking pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes