choking Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious choking puns

What would a Skyrim guard say if he saw you choking a little girl?

No loli gaggin'

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What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

*-Choking noises-*

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I was choking on some alphabet pasta when a lady asked if I needed help.

She took the words right out of my mouth.

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Retailers have pulled all the Darth Vader toys from their shelves...

Apparently they are a choking hazard.

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Why do the Minnesota vikings wear purple as a team color?

If you've been choking for 50 years, you'd be purple too!

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During a weekly game at the home for the aged, the bingo caller began choking and then collapsed.

He was rushed to emergency, and went immediately into surgery.

It appeared that 40 years of calling bingo games in smoky halls had finally caught-up with him.

The surgeon successfully removed a mass that was blocking his windpipe.

After waking from the surgery, the caller asked the surgeon if the mass was malignant.

The surgeon replied, "Fortunately, no. It was B9."

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What do you call people with a penchant for choking.

Asphixionados

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My date started choking last night so I quickly pulled my cock out.

"How's that going to help?" asked the waiter.

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How to Save a Life

Joe and Billy-Bob, two of the most country boys that ever did live, were sitting down in a resturant visiting the big city. The meal was going well until they saw a woman across the resturant stand up gasping and holding her throat.

"Help she's choking!" someone shouted, and panic ensued. People were screaming, children were crying, and the poor choking woman was turning blue. Billy-Bob knew it was his time to act. He stood up, walked over the woman, pulled up her skirt and ran his tongue right up and down her butt cheek.

The woman was so shocked she gasped once, coughed, and the offending piece of food flew across the room. Billy-Bob calmly walked back over to his table and sat down. Joe looked at his friend and said "Where you learn to do that at?"

Billy-Bob took a sip of his drink and told his friend, "Well I heard of that there Hind Lick maneuver on TV for chokin' folks, never actually thought it would work though."

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Last day for your taxes

A man walked into a restaurant with his young son. He gave the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy started choking, going blue in the face. The father realized the boy had swallowed the nickels and started slapping him on the back. The boy coughed up 2 of the nickels, but kept choking.
Looking at his son, the father panicked and shouted for help.
A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit was sitting at the coffee bar reading a
newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looked up, put her coffee cup down, neatly folded the newspaper and placed it on the counter, got up from her seat and made her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully dropped his pants, took hold of the boy's testicles and started to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulsed violently and coughed up the last nickel, which the woman deftly caught in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman handed the nickel to the father and walked back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he was sure that his son had suffered no ill effects, the father rushed over to the woman and started thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "
No," the woman replied, "I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."

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A lady and her little boy is eating in a restaurant. In an oversight, the kid swallows a coin and starts choking.

The mother tried hitting his back, slapping on the neck, shaking him hard without any success to make him spit the coin.



A man gets up from a nearby table, he lowers boy's pants, and squeezes his testicles. Voila! The boy spits out the coin.

The mother thanked the gentleman and asked ," Sir, are you a doctor?"

"No, ma'am, I work for IRS.


We are trained to squeeze the balls of everyone to make them cough up the last penny."

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A little kid is tossing a nickel in the air and catching it in his mouth...

The little kid says "Hey dad watch this!" and does it again. This time he actually inhales the nickel and starts choking.

The dad realizes what is happening and slaps the kid on the back trying to dislodge the nickel. Nothing. The gives the kid the Heimlich maneuver, still nothing.

In his desperation the father calls out, "Help! My son is choking on a nickel. Someone help!"

Up walks an attractive woman dressed in a business suit, brief case in hand. She reaches out and grabs the kid by the balls and gives a hard squeeze, with a cough and a spurt, out pops the nickel. Without missing a beat, she catches the nickel in mid air and pops it in her pocket.

Amazed the dad asks, "Are you a doctor? I've never seen anyone do that for a choking victim."

"No, sir." Says the attractive woman. "Im a divorce lawyer."

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A blonde's boyfriend dies after choking

She tried calling 911 but couldn't find the eleven.

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I was at a restaurant the other night and this guy started choking...

A waitress yelled out, "does anybody know CPR?!"
I replied "Hell, I know the whole alphabet!"
Then everybody had a good laugh...well except for one guy.

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A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.

He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "
"No", the woman replied.
"I'm with the I.R.S."

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I saved a mans life today. He was choking.

So i took my hands off his throat.

and said, "dont make me save your life again and use your blinker next time asshole."

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A woman goes into a restaurant in a small southern town out in the country...

She orders the fried chicken and starts to eat.

Eating too fast, she chokes on a chicken bone.

Well, these two country boys in the next booth notice she is choking, and they get up and go over to help her.

The first country boy drops his coveralls and bends over, and the second country boy starts licking his asshole.

She pukes all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat.

The country boy pulls his coveralls back up and says to the other excitedly, "You're right Billy Bob, that Hind-Lick Maneuver works like a charm!"

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There's this penguin...

There's this penguin, driving through the South, the Deep South... late August. The hot months. "Ew! But it sure is hot!" the penguin lisped from behind the wheel of his choking jalopy.

Suddenly! The jalopy fails the penguin and he has to push it down a bumpy road to the next small town. He got out, and with all his strength in his weak flippers, he pushed the car over hill and dale.

"Whew!" he sighed.

As luck would have it, there was a mechanic in town, and he told the penguin that he'd have to spend some time with the car. "Why don't you come back in an hour or so?"

Wiping the sweat from his brow, the penguin espied an ice cream shoppe! "Hurray and yippy!" he cried! "I'll be back, toot sweet!" he said.

He ordered the tallest vanilla ice cream he could hold between his vestigial wings... those miserable fins could barely manage the scoops upon scoops of creamy goodness. The cone was so tall that more of it ended up on the penguin than in him!

"Yummy! That was very very good!" the penguin said, smacking his lips.

He waddled back to the mechanic who was ready to give the little fellow an update. The mechanic looked at the penguin sternly. The gaskets and seals on the engine were severely damaged after years of driving without a routine check, and it was certainly going to be expensive.

"Well, it looks like you blew a seal."

"Oh no, that's just ice cream!" the penguin said, wiping the ice cream from his chin.

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Redneck First Aid

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town out in the country. She orders the chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast she starts to choke on a chicken bone. Well these two hillbillies in the next booth notice she is choking so they get up and go over to help her. The first country boy drops his coveralls and bends over and the second hillbilly starts licking his butt. The women watches these two go at it and is grossed out. She pukes all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. The hillbilly pulls his overalls back up and says to the other, "You're right Leroy, that hind-lick maneuver works like a charm."

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what did Cindarella say when she got to the ball?

{choking noises}

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My wife was in a coma for 6 months and the doctor told me that although it's unconventional that I could try oral to wake her up so I decided to give it a try but after 5 minutes I gave up and the doctor asked what happened...

She just kept choking.

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Last week, I took a Dallas Cowboys jersey away from my 2-year-old nephew.

It was a choking hazard.

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While eating at their favorite diner, two Texans hear an awful choking sound.

They turn around to see a lady turning blue.


The first Texan rises, hitches up his jeans and walks over to the lady.

He asks, "Can you breathe?" She shakes her head no.

"Can you speak?" he asks. She again shakes her head no.


With that, he helps her to her feet, lifts up her skirt and starts to lick her butt.

Shocked, the woman coughs up the obstruction and begins to breathe.


The first Texan turns back to his friend and says, "Amazing how that there Hind Lick Maneuver works every time!"

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[NSFW] Billy JO Bob was at a restaurant...

when a beautiful woman at a nearby table started choking on some food. Without hesitation, he jumped up, spun her around and pulled her pants down. He stuck his face in her ass and ran his tongue up it.

The woman screamed, expelling the food and turned to slap Billy Jo Bob. "What the hell do you think you are doing!" she yelled.

"What's the problem?" he responded calmly. "Ain't ya never heard of the hind lick manoeuvre?"

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The Patriots are like a giant dick.

Everyone that tries to take them on, ends up choking.

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A man and his wife was having a breakfast at a cafe.

Suddenly, in a very unlikely event, the husband choked on a quarter. The wife panicked and started screaming for help. Luckily, a man offers to help.

He pulled down the choking mans pants down and pulled his scrotum as hard as he can until the quarter comes out. The couple thanked the man properly. The wife said:


"Thank you sir. Are you by any chance, a doctor by profession?"

"No ma'am. I'm a politician. I squeze peoples balls until they spit the last coin"

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What did Cinderella say as she was approaching the ball?

*makes choking sounds*

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My penis has a warning label...

It says "Warning! Choking hazard...small parts."

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What's the difference between a kinder surprise and Michael jackson.

One is a choking hazard for children and the other is a chocolate covered candy

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I made just one mistake last night and my wife wont stop giving me the death stare.

Excessive choking.

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What do you do when a girl is choking?

Back up a few inches.

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I got kicked out of a restaurant last night...

This lady sitting next to me started choking, so i got up quick, pulled her pants down and licked her ass, ive never seen the hindlick maneuver performed but i thought how hard could it be.

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My Grandmother died in my arms the other night...

...I wasn't even choking her that hard.

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What's the difference between a lawnmower and a hooker?

When I'm choking the lawnmower, I don't stick my dick in it.

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The doctor told me that my dad died from choking on Viagra.

It was a hard pill to swallow.

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What are the most funny Choking jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Choking? Well, here are the best Choking dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Choking pick up lines to share with friends.

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