The Best 75 Choked Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Choked jokes. There are some choked smother jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these choked suffocate puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Choked Jokes and Puns

My friend died of gluten yesterday

The poor fella choked on the bread

Somebody called me 'pretentious' the other day.

I nearly choked on my latte.

What did Cinderella say when she reached the ball?

She choked.

Choked joke, What did Cinderella say when she reached the ball?

Was in a pub the other day...

Was in a pub the other day as one of the patrons was teliing the classic "What do you do if an epileptic person has a fit in the bath? Throw in the washing!" as a big burly guy walks over and says, "I don't think that's funny. My brother was epileptic and died in the bath."
"Sorry, did he drown?"
"No. He choked on a sock."

Some guys are talking about pets...

They get to talking about how good big dogs are because they can make good guard dogs.

One of the guys says "I preferred my old chihuahua pebbles better. And no other dog made me feel safer! He died killing a rabid full grown doberman for me!"

The other guys are confused and ask how that was even possible.

"The doberman choked to death."


I have this weird kink where I like to be choked with decorative gourds.

It's called Autumn-Erotic Asphyxiation.

Man, Jian Ghomenshi had the Canadian eating out of his hand...

but he totally choked!

Choked joke, Man, Jian Ghomenshi had the Canadian eating out of his hand...

At breakfast this morning, my wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with Twitter.

I nearly choked on my #Brown

My girlfriend told me she almost choked on her birth control this morning.

It looks like it almost did it's job.

Hear about the dyslexic alcoholic?

Choked on his own vimto.

The English language is bizzare

There was a young girl from Slough

Who choked on a piece of raw dough

But the time she was through

With hiccup and cough

She woke everyone in the borough

You can explore choked jian reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean choked pretentious dad jokes. There are also choked puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Yeah, you like getting choked don't you!?

oops wrong sub...

The courier delivered only half of my grizzly outfit today...

So I choked him with my bear hands.

Somebody called me pretentious today...

I almost choked on my chai latte.

Did you hear about the guy who choked on a brat?

It was the wurst.

A man and his wife went out to eat. Their meal was so good the husband said it tasted like heaven.

He choked to death.

Choked joke, A man and his wife went out to eat. Their meal was so good the husband said it tasted like heaven.

Did you hear about the man who choked on his lasagna dinner?

He pasta way.

My wife said she's breaking up with me, because of my obsession with rhyming,

I nearly choked on my tea, what terrible timing!

An epileptic in the bath.

I was in the pub last night when I told my mates the joke about "What to you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath? Throw your washing in."
Well, bloke on the next table turns round and says very solemnly, "My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath."

The bloke then says "Yeah, he choked on a sock!"


TIL how "Thing" from Adams Family died!

Apparently he was addicted to finger-foods and choked on a knuckle sandwhich

Henry Heimlich, the inventor of the Heimlich maneuver, passed away today.

People are all choked up about it.

When I heard that Dr. Heimlich died at age 96...

I got all choked up.

I just heard news that the inventor of the Heimlich Manuever, Henry J. Heimlich, just passed away at 96

I'm still choked up about it.

Henry Heimlich, inventor of the Heimlich maneuver, died today at 96.

Now I'm getting all choked up and it can't be helped.

Dr Heimlich died today

I'm all choked up

The guy that invented the heimlich maneuver died today...

needless to say I'm a little choked up

Autopsy confirms George Michael choked on a chocolate bar

It was a Careless Whisper

Rogue One aspired to be so much

But they choked on it.

I had Domino's for dinner last night...

I almost choked to death on double six.

My friend killed himself the other day... swallowed everything in his bathroom cabinet.

He choked on a tampon

Aaron Hernandez...

Choked harder than the Falcons.

The Patriots visit to the White House was so GREAT...

it left Aaron Hernandez choked up and ultimately breathless

My mate died of heartburn today.

Can't believe he choked on a gaviscon.

My uncle choked to death on a wiffle ball.

But not right away.

I just heard Michael Jackson died from food poisoning...

he choked on a 9-year old weiner.

Hey, did you hear about the blonde girl who choked on a piece of plastic?

She said that mannequin was one smooth talker.

Double Standards [One-Liner]

Sure if a girl wants to be choked it's hot and kinky, but if I want to choke a girl, it's all of a sudden "domestic abuse"

My friend told me that vegetables can be art

Art? I choked.

My Viagara got caught in my throat and I choked...

And now I've got a stiff neck.

As the crowded elevator descended,

Mrs. Simpson became too furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.

As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Simpson, and said,

"That will teach you to pinch!"

Bewildered, Mr. Simpson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl."

"Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did."

If someone fails at performing the Heimlich

Is it safe to say they choked?

I ate a pill that would made me immortal today

I accidently choked to death while swallowing it

Someone called me pretentious today.

I nearly choked on my honey-cardamom latte.

My wife choked at a restaurant, and the manager told us to leave!

Said something about "no oral sex in my restaurant" bullshit and told us to never come back

I hope your internet is kinky

Because it's about to get choked

If someone fails while attempting the Heimlich maneuver...

...is it fair to say he choked?

One of my friends decided to killed himself, he went into his bathroom cabinet and started swallowing everything that was in there..

..He choked to death on a tampon

Today I saw a baby Chihuahua killing a Great Dane.

How?

Great Dane choked to death.

Made my wife Heinze Alphabetti for dinner...

...but she choked on the D

Did you hear about the Italian who choked to death on pasta?

His family was terribly sad that he pasta-way

I know a guy who OD'd on pot.

He choked on a moon pie.

(I don't know who came up with this joke, but it wasn't me)

My last girlfriend choked to death.

It was a terrible blow... I had to finish myself off.

I tried competitive eating once.

I was doing pretty well but I choked toward the end.

Quick! Does anyone know the Heimlich maneuver?

England just choked.

This morning I choked on water while jogging for the third time this week...

Worst running gag ever.

Soup

Had alphabet soup for breakfast

Choked on the D

Do you know the one about the bride who choked at the altar?

Can't say I do.

I asked my friend, who was very much alive, if he'd choked to death on a berry.

Acai escaped his lips.

The Fed Ex driver only delivered part of my grizzly costume

I was so mad, I choked him with my bear hands

I walked into a pet shop.

I said, "I want to return this bird cage. My girlfriend's parrot is dead. Choked to death."

He said, "Have you got the receipt?"

I said, "No."

He said, "Why not? We need proof that you paid for it."

I said, "The parrot ate it."

Why do some people like being choked during sex?

Because it is breathtakingly good.

I was at a dog fight recently. The combatants were a 200lb Rottweiler and a 2lb Chihuahua. The Chihuahua emerged victorious...

The Rottweiler choked on him.

Two years after the death of George Michael, the cause was finally found. He choked on a chocolate bar.

It was a careless Wispa

My cousin told me she choked on a mozzarella stick at a local restaurant, and I laughed so hard I cried.

The choking wasn't her biggest problem considering it was a Mexican restaurant...

Last night I had the worst date ever. It was the pits.

Seriously, someone should have warned me I could have choked.

.....Suddenly, my eyes widened and I choked the urge to scream....

...then sneezed, but no one is around to bless me.

A man walks into a bar and leaves his Great Dane outside

All of a sudden, someone bursts into the bar and asks the man: "Excuse me, is that your Great Dane outside? My Chihuahua has just killed it!"

The man stares back very confused. "What? Your Chihuahua has just killed my 150lb Great Dane? That's impossible! What could your Chihuahua have done to kill my Great Dane?"

"Well, I think it choked on my Chihuahua"

Yes, you've got to be careful when you tell jokes in public.

I was in the pub with a few mates a while back and one of them was telling this joke, I'm sure you know it:

Q. What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath?

A. You throw in your washing.

Then a guy came over fuming and said, "I'm sorry but I don't find that funny. My brother died in the bath as a kid while having an epileptic fit.

My friend said, "Oh, I'm really sorry. Did he drown?"

"No, said the man, "He choked to death on a sock."

Hear about the Frenchman who choked to death eating his morning omelette?

Oeuf.

My last girlfriend choked to death

That was a tough blow

what gets longer when pulled, fits between brests, slides neatly into a hole, has choked people when used improperly, and works best when jerked?

A seatbelt.

I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke...

What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath?

Throw in your laundry.

The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit."

We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he choked on a sock."

My wife was inhaling popcorn and nearly choked to death on an un-popped kernel.

I almost had to call the popcoroner.

(Real life: my wife really was eating popcorn with no breathing in between and I said maybe slow down so you don't choke on that. I don't want to have to call the pop coroner , and she abruptly started laughing and, I swear, choked on some (non-fatal). So I decided to present my ad-lib here, as a joke. At least I (and you) can be sure it's no repost!)

My friend died a truly Roman death

He was lying down and choked on some grapes.

I had Indian food for lunch and almost choked on it

Talk about a paneer-death experience

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the choked obstruction jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working choked ughh piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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