Choked Jokes
78 choked jokes and hilarious choked puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about choked that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Do you ever find yourself laughing so hard that you choke harder than an unsupervised baby playing in a Heimlich factory? This article explores the idea of choked jokes and the comedic tool, Jian, that can help you get out of an awkward situation.
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Funniest Choked Short Jokes
Short choked jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The choked humour may include short choking jokes also.
- My wife said she's breaking up with me, because of my obsession with rhyming, I nearly choked on my tea, what terrible timing!
- Golden State Warriors "No one can choke harder than we did." Atlanta Falcons "Hold my beer."
- I was choking on some alphabet pasta when a lady asked if I needed help. She took the words right out of my mouth.
- Retailers have pulled all the Darth Vader toys from their shelves... Apparently they are a choking hazard.
- Why do the Minnesota vikings wear purple as a team color? If you've been choking for 50 years, you'd be purple too!
- The Fed Ex driver only delivered part of my grizzly costume I was so mad, I choked him with my bear hands
- A blonde's boyfriend dies after choking She tried calling 911 but couldn't find the eleven.
- Blue Elephant How do you kill a blue elephant?
With a blue elephant gun.
How do you kill a white elephant?
Choke it until it becomes blue and shoot it with a blue elephant gun. - This morning I choked on water while jogging for the third time this week... Worst running gag ever.
- They say you can choke on a tea-spoon of water, so I thought I'd test it out... The water went down fine, but the spoon nearly killed me.
Share These Choked Jokes With Friends
Choked One Liners
Which choked one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with choked? I can suggest the ones about strangle and clogged.
- What would a Skyrim guard say if he saw you choking a little girl? No loli gaggin'
- What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? *-Choking noises-*
- My grandma likes to prank us by pretending to choke on her food It's an old gag
- Why didn't Cinderella go to the ball? She didn't want to choke!
- What do you call people with a penchant for choking. Asphixionados
- Why do depressed girls give the best head? Because they are trying to choke themselves.
- Somebody called me 'pretentious' the other day.
I nearly choked on my latte. - Dr Heimlich died today I'm all choked up
- My friend Arty is allergic to vegetables Arty-chokes on them.
- My friend told me that vegetables can be art Art? I choked.
- I had Indian food for lunch and almost choked on it Talk about a paneer-death experience
- What did Cinderella say as she was approaching the ball? *makes choking sounds*
- What did Cinderella say when she reached the ball? She choked.
- My last girlfriend choked to death. It was a terrible blow.
- My last girlfriend choked to death That was a tough blow
Choked Harder Than Jokes
Here is a list of funny choked harder than jokes and even better choked harder than puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Aaron Hernandez... Choked harder than the Falcons.
Cheerful Fun Choked Jokes to Brighten Your Day with Humor and Joy
What funny jokes about choked you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean chewed jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make choked pranks.
My friend died of gluten yesterday
The poor fella choked on the bread
Was in a pub the other day...
Was in a pub the other day as one of the patrons was teliing the classic "What do you do if an epileptic person has a fit in the bath? Throw in the washing!" as a big burly guy walks over and says, "I don't think that's funny. My brother was epileptic and died in the bath."
"Sorry, did he drown?"
"No. He choked on a sock."
Some guys are talking about pets...
They get to talking about how good big dogs are because they can make good guard dogs.
One of the guys says "I preferred my old chihuahua pebbles better. And no other dog made me feel safer! He died killing a rabid full grown doberman for me!"
The other guys are confused and ask how that was even possible.
"The doberman choked to death."
Man, Jian Ghomenshi had the Canadian eating out of his hand...
but he totally choked!
At breakfast this morning, my wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with Twitter.
I nearly choked on my #Brown
My girlfriend told me she almost choked on her birth control this morning.
It looks like it almost did it's job.
The English language is bizzare
There was a young girl from Slough
Who choked on a piece of raw dough
But the time she was through
With hiccup and cough
She woke everyone in the borough
The courier delivered only half of my grizzly outfit today...
So I choked him with my bear hands.
Did you hear about the guy who choked on a brat?
It was the wurst.
Did you hear about the man who choked on his lasagna dinner?
He pasta way.
An epileptic in the bath.
I was in the pub last night when I told my mates the joke about "What to you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath? Throw your washing in."
Well, bloke on the next table turns round and says very solemnly, "My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath."
The bloke then says "Yeah, he choked on a sock!"
When I heard that Dr. Heimlich died at age 96...
I got all choked up.
I just heard news that the inventor of the Heimlich Manuever, Henry J. Heimlich, just passed away at 96
I'm still choked up about it.
Henry Heimlich, inventor of the Heimlich maneuver, died today at 96.
Now I'm getting all choked up and it can't be helped.
The guy that invented the heimlich maneuver died today...
needless to say I'm a little choked up
Autopsy confirms george michael choked on a chocolate bar
It was a Careless Whisper
I had Domino's for dinner last night...
I almost choked to death on double six.
My friend killed himself the other day... swallowed everything in his bathroom cabinet.
He choked on a t**...
The Patriots visit to the White House was so GREAT...
it left Aaron Hernandez choked up and ultimately breathless
My uncle choked to death on a wiffle ball.
But not right away.
I just heard Michael Jackson died from food poisoning...
he choked on a 9-year old w**....
Hey, did you hear about the blonde girl who choked on a piece of plastic?
She said that mannequin was one smooth talker.
My Viagara got caught in my t**... and I choked...
And now I've got a stiff neck.
As the crowded elevator descended,
Mrs. Simpson became too furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Simpson, and said,
"That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Simpson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did."
I ate a pill that would made me immortal today
I accidently choked to death while swallowing it
Someone called me pretentious today.
I nearly choked on my honey-cardamom latte.
My wife choked at a restaurant, and the manager told us to leave!
Said something about "no o**... s**... in my restaurant" b**... and told us to never come back
I hope your internet is k**...
Because it's about to get choked
If someone fails while attempting the Heimlich maneuver...
...is it fair to say he choked?
Today I saw a baby Chihuahua killing a Great Dane.
How?
Great Dane choked to death.
Made my wife Heinze Alphabetti for dinner...
...but she choked on the D
Did you hear about the Italian who choked to death on pasta?
His family was terribly sad that he pasta-way
Quick! Does anyone know the Heimlich maneuver?
England just choked.
Do you know the one about the bride who choked at the altar?
Can't say I do.
I asked my friend, who was very much alive, if he'd choked to death on a berry.
Acai escaped his lips.
I walked into a pet shop.
I said, "I want to return this bird cage. My girlfriend's parrot is dead. Choked to death."
He said, "Have you got the receipt?"
I said, "No."
He said, "Why not? We need proof that you paid for it."
I said, "The parrot ate it."
My cousin told me she choked on a mozzarella stick at a local restaurant, and I laughed so hard I cried.
The choking wasn't her biggest problem considering it was a Mexican restaurant...
Last night I had the worst date ever. It was the pits.
Seriously, someone should have warned me I could have choked.
.....Suddenly, my eyes widened and I choked the urge to scream....
...then sneezed, but no one is around to bless me.
A man walks into a bar and leaves his Great Dane outside
All of a sudden, someone bursts into the bar and asks the man: "Excuse me, is that your Great Dane outside? My Chihuahua has just killed it!"
The man stares back very confused. "What? Your Chihuahua has just killed my 150lb Great Dane? That's impossible! What could your Chihuahua have done to kill my Great Dane?"
"Well, I think it choked on my Chihuahua"
Yes, you've got to be careful when you tell jokes in public.
I was in the pub with a few mates a while back and one of them was telling this joke, I'm sure you know it:
Q. What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath?
A. You throw in your washing.
Then a guy came over fuming and said, "I'm sorry but I don't find that funny. My brother died in the bath as a kid while having an epileptic fit.
My friend said, "Oh, I'm really sorry. Did he drown?"
"No, said the man, "He choked to death on a sock."
Hear about the Frenchman who choked to death eating his morning omelette?
Oeuf.
what gets longer when pulled, fits between brests, slides neatly into a hole, has choked people when used improperly, and works best when j**...?
A seatbelt.
I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke...
What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath?
Throw in your laundry.
The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit."
We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he choked on a sock."
My wife was inhaling popcorn and nearly choked to death on an un-popped kernel.
I almost had to call the popcoroner.
(Real life: my wife really was eating popcorn with no breathing in between and I said maybe slow down so you don't choke on that. I don't want to have to call the pop coroner , and she abruptly started laughing and, I swear, choked on some (non-fatal). So I decided to present my ad-lib here, as a joke. At least I (and you) can be sure it's no repost!)
My friend died a truly Roman death
He was lying down and choked on some grapes.
My girlfriend called me childish the other day
I was so shocked I nearly choked on my alphabetti spaghetti
A radio station called me at random and said they'd give me $10,000 if I could answer their trivia question. When they asked me to name two constructions that hold water …
I choked under the pressure. WELL…d**...! is all I could manage to say.
Last night at the party, I nearly choked on a shoestring.
I couldn't believe someone had laced my drink.
I used to have a lovely dog called Minton, until one day I can home and he had choked on a shuttlecock
Bad Minton
A big angry man walks into a bar and says "Who has the Chihuahua t**... out front"?
A man in the back of the bar stands up and says "That's my Chihuahua"
"Well, he just killed my Rottweiler!"
" What?!! How did your Rottweiler get killed by my Chihuahua?!!"
" I think he choked on him".
Gone fishin'
I remember my brother teaching me to fish. I was so proud when he complimented me on my ability to securely put the worm on the hook. I didn't realize I was being had until I announced at the supper table that I was a " master baiter", and my Mom nearly choked.
